01x14 - Kevin vs. The Dutch Elm

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Hey. You're up early.

Yeah, Chale's gonna help me study before class.

Oh.

Okay, Mom, if you're gonna start juicing, you still got to hit the weight room.

Very funny.

No, I'm giving out flu vaccines at school, and this morning, I'm gonna give one to your dad.

Whoa. He's gonna let you do that?

Every time he sees a needle, he freaks out and faints.

I know, and that's why this time, we're gonna do things a little differently.

You're gonna sh**t him with a blow dart while he's walking to the shower?

[Blows]

Like an animal.

No.

I'm gonna stick him with this little sucker before he even wakes up.

Like an animal.

[Softly] Honey?

Honey?

Ooh!

[Chuckles quietly]

Okay.

[Singsong] Gonna be so easy, 'cause he's so sleepy.

[Screams]

What the heck?!

Ow!

I'm sorry!

I was trying to surprise you with the flu sh*t this year so you wouldn't faint when you saw the needle.

What?

Ow.

Oh!

[Thud]

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

All right, babe. I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to Enzo's.

Hmm?

Yeah, once every five years, his grandmother sends this icebox cake from Italy.

It is life-changing.

It is just layers...

Graham cr*cker, chocolate pudding, graham cr*cker, chocolate pudding, graham cr*cker, chocolate pudding, graham cr*cker, chocolate pudding, graham cr*cker...

Okay.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

You know?

And then, it's chocolate pudding.

[Chuckling] Okay. All right.

I get it, but why do you have to go so early?

Oh, 'cause if I don't, you miss it, then it's gone, and I got to wait another five years.

Oh.

So, what I do is, I tell all the guys "Hey, show up at 1:00," because I know they're gonna show up early to get the lion's share, so what do I do?

I show up 12:30.

Okay. Well. That is very thought out.

Yeah.

You must care a lot.

Um, quick... What grade is Jack in?

Fifth.

S... Sixth. Fifth?

It is fifth. Sixth? Fifth.

Fifth? Sixth.

Fifth? Six...

Wow.

No, it's fifth. It's Si...

Well, change your face expression so I can...

Give me help here.

Oh, my God.

Enjoy your cake.

Um... oh, and when you're there, tell Duffy to bring his truck tomorrow.

His truck? For what?

We're moving the pool.

We're moving the p... Where'd that come from?

What?! Oh, no. Don't even start.

We talk about this every year.

You put it up in the wrong spot...

Underneath the neighbor's dead tree.

There's leaves everywhere, there's no sunshine, the water's freezing.

I mean, the thing is basically a giant squirrel urinal.

We're moving it.

All right, fine. You know what?

I will move it, but I can't do it tomorrow.

So I'll tell you what, we will sit down Monday with our calendars...

No! No, no, no!

No excuses this time!

You realize you've been trying to get out of this for years.

Okay, I think you're exaggerating.

Hmm?

I can't move the pool today.

My toolbox is missing.

Goody's having a garage sale.

I feel a little nauseous.

It's gonna rain.

You got to give me more notice.

You know what it is? I just need a "Me" day.

Mets are in the playoffs!

It's an inner-ear thing... No balance.

I thought we were trying that chicken place.

I think my rib popped out a little bit in the front.

[Strained] It hurts.

Y-You know what it is? I-I'm very garlicky.

Today?

[Muffled] Our pool?

Okay, fine. I'll do it. I'll move it.

Thank you.

I just got to say, I am feeling a little something in my throat...

Nope! Nooooo!

♪

Okay, here we go...

Enzo's grandmother's icebox cake.

It's been a good five years, boys.

[Chuckling] Dig in.

I'm just gonna come out and say it...

It's a little off.

It's a lot off.

I've been waiting for this forever.

I barely slept last night.

Not cool, Enzo's grandmother.

Ah, come on, guys.

She's 98 years old, blind in one eye.

It's a miracle she can hold a spoon.

I don't know.

I'm just saying, you promise you're gonna do something, deliver.

Exactly. Quality drops, get out the game, Nana.

I mean, I'm gonna keep eating, but I ain't happy about it.

By the way, what was with that, uh, text you sent me earlier...

Something about bringing my truck around?

Oh, yeah.

I need all you guys to help me move my pool tomorrow.

Wait, I'm sorry. I heard "Move my pool."

Are you... Are you out of your mind?

No. Listen, I've been promising Donna forever.

I-I got to move it.

The neighbor's got a dead tree.

It's hanging over, it's blocking the sun.

It's a whole thing, believe me.

You realize what a hassle it is to move an aboveground pool?

What's the problem?

Just empty out the water, pick it up, and move it.

Hey, Groot, it's not a kiddie pool, okay?

There's panels and rivets, and don't even get me started on the... on the filter.

Well, hold on for a second.

You said that the tree is blocking the pool, right?

So why don't you just get rid of it?

What do you mean?

Think about it. We're watching the game, okay?

We can't see the TV 'cause Mott's fat head is in the way.

What do we do?

Unscrew the brackets and move the TV?

No. We tell Mott "You move your fat head."

Exactly.

Hey, guys, I'm taking a lot of unnecessary sh*ts here today.

So, let me ask you this. What do you think is easier...

To take down a tree or to move a pool?

No-brainer, guy. Tree.

Give me a chainsaw, phone charger, and a tuna sandwich, I'll have that thing out of your life in 40 minutes.

Why do you need a phone charger?

I keep losing mine.

♪

So, you want to... chop down Mott?

It's a metaphor. But think about it.

The leaves, the lack of sun...

That's all coming from the dead tree.

Oh, you will say anything not to have to move that pool.

B... Bel... I-I will move the pool.

The pool... Moving that's easy.

You drain the water, you push it to the side.

It's... It's like a kiddie pool. It really is.

The issue is the tree.

Yeah, but you think I don't know that?

I would love to have the tree down, but that's never gonna happen, because it belongs to Mrs. Hoost.

And I have talked to her a bunch of times.

She's a nightmare.

Maybe for you.

Y-You can be a little off-putting. That's all I'm saying.

"Off-putting"?

Just because you're very beautiful.

And you're young. Okay, that's the thing.

You show up there, she sees you, she's an older lady.

She sees the skin. She's like, "I'm a raisin."

What do I do?"

Uh-huh.

It's just...

Uh-huh.

Look, I can go over there.

I can get permission from Mrs. Hoost right now.

[Chuckling] Oh! I really don't think you know what you're up against.

Are you kidding me? It's called conflict resolution.

I dealt with it every day on the streets.

You start nice, you come in with a little honey.

If it doesn't work, you bring a little heat.

Okay, well, what is it that you like to eat when you've failed and you're depressed?

'Cause I'll just start making that now.

Oh, okay. I'm not failing, and I'm not gonna be depressed.

I'm gonna be very happy.

And you know what I like when I'm happy? Fajitas.

♪

[Grandfather clock chiming, ticking]

[Chiming stops]

Boy, what a... what a lovely home you have.

I love the couch, the plastic.

It's like having a pool raft, but inside.

You could throw up on this, and 10 minutes later, you clean it up, you're back in the game.

I like it. It's good.

Ooh. That is a lot of, uh... What are these called?

[Dutch accent] Hummels.

Hummels?

You have a lot of them. I like that.

[Clank] Ohh!

These guys are making biscuits.

Okay, I'm gonna put that down.

Anyway...

Uh... I feel remiss that we haven't spent more time together as neighbors.

And that said... Did you receive the invite to the New Year's Eve party at our place?

I don't think you did.

No.

It was an e-vite, you know?

You should check your spam folder for that.

Either way, you should come next year, 'cause it's gonna be off the chain.

I'm in bed at 8:30.

Make an exception next year, 'cause it's gonna be cray-cray.

You are a very boring man.

Okay.

I have an early flight to Florida in the morning.

You should go.

Ooh! You're going to Florida.

Nice, nice!

Laying out, catch some rays... I like it.

My sister d*ed.

Still, you got to get some color for the wake, right? I mean...

Ooh! You know what I could do?

I was thinking... I could do you a favor, 'cause you know that dead tree that's on your yard and kind of half on our yard?

I could cut that down while you're gone, write up a receipt, and just charge you half.

That's all. We'll split it.

The tree is not dead.

It's dead.

Not dead.

Not making plans for the spring. Let's say that.

The tree is not going anywhere.

Let me put it to you this way.

[Clears throat]

You want to know what I'm known for?

Giving honey and bringing the heat.

And guess what. I'm out of honey, all right?

One call to the town, they'll declare that thing a hazard, and they'll rip it down themselves, and they'll foot you with the bill.

Or we can do it the easy way. You know what I'm talking about?

You wash my back, I wash yours.

I don't want you to wash me.

Wh... No, I mean, I'm not... It's not actually washing...

Rutger!

Who's Rutger? R-Rutger? I didn't even know what that...

[Dutch accent] Is this man bothering you, Tante?

He wants to wash me.

What the hell?

No, no, no. It's an expression.

Uh, you know, it's... it's like "I do you a favor, you do me a favor"...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

My... My wife couldn't make it today.

[Laughter]

Ah, good times.

Anyway, we got a stick a pin in the tree thing for now.

So good to see you again. And, Rutger, uh... I invited her to a, uh... New Year's Eve jam we're having.

You're always invited, too. [Laughs]

Ooh! Love the tattoo.

Look at that shape. That's a weird one.

I got them in Scheveningen.

Okay, I'm gonna assume that's a prison.

Saying my goodnights.

♪
♪

She... is a badger.

I told ya.

A nasty, Dutch badger.

And how about Rutger? He's a barrel of laughs, huh?

Who's that?

I don't know, but they were making fun of your boobs.

I did not like it.

What?!

Yeah, they were like, [Mockingly] Hey, look at her.

Are you kidding me?!

[Garbling]

That is not okay!

I know.

Believe me, I didn't like it at all.

Oh, we are so taking that tree down!

I wish we could, all right?

It would be the perfect weekend, too, 'cause she's going to Florida, but...

'Cause then, they would come back, and they would know it's me.

Right. Look, I... [Sighs]

I promised you I'd move that pool, and I will do it, okay?

Tomorrow. No excuses.

All right, well, thank you, but, I mean, you can't do it tomorrow... There's a big storm coming in.

I still get credit for offering, though, right?

Honey, there's a big storm coming in.

You know what that means.

I don't have to come up with an excuse tomorrow?

No. No, no, no.

It's the perfect cover.

So, she goes to Florida, and we knock down the tree, and then we blame it on the storm.

I like it.

See, now I am happy! Okay!

And, you know, when I'm happy...

I didn't make fajitas.

That's not cool, Donna.

Okay.

I made you burgers.

Okay. See? I'm happy again.

Okay, well, they're turkey burgers.

Why do you do this to me?!

♪

Okay, we called this family meeting because...

Well, we just want you to know tonight's gonna be...

It's gonna be a little weird, you know?

Um, your mom and I are gonna do something legally... iffy.

It's just a little iffy, you know?

Yeah, yeah. But it's not a crime.

No.

No, it's more like... a neighborhood prank.

Exactly. Exactly.

What we're gonna do... The point is, w-we're gonna rip down Mrs. Hoost's tree.

Cool. Yeah.

And so we just want to let you guys know, just in case somebody says something to you, comes up to you and asks you, you know, "Hey, did you hear anything about the tree thing?"

You would say...

"What? What tree? Never heard of a tree."

He's talking about the tree next door...

The one they're ripping down, idiot!

Okay, you gonna work with him?

Yeah, I'm on it.

Okay.

Okay, Dad, you cannot k*ll that tree.

It's a mercy k*ll, all right?

I mean, it's already half-dead.

And your mom and I, what we're doing, we're just... We're basically just putting a little pillow over its face.

Yeah, and if your father works the chainsaw right, tree's never gonna feel a thing.

Okay, no, I don't care about the tree, guys.

But there's a family of squirrels that live in it.

I mean, where will they go?

Are you kidding me?

No. No, in the morning, when I have my coffee, I like to watch them run back and forth.

All right, y-you do know that we tell people you're the smart kid?

What's that supposed to mean?

Exactly.

Let's just catch them, and we can let them loose in the park or something.

Chale, can you help me out here?

Uh... Mr. Gable, I agree with Kendra.

You need to relocate those adorable squirrels.

♪

[Grunting]

[Groans]

[Breathing heavily]

I can't see anything in here!

They're in there. I guarantee it.

Hold the sack against the knothole.

I'll start tapping.

[Squirrels chirping]

Keep going! I think I hear something!

Whoa! Whoa, it's working! I got one. Awesome.

All right, that's good. Wow.

Okay! You got to slow it down now!

You got to stop it!

They're filling up the bag!

[Screams]

[Screams]

My eyes!!

[Screams]

All right, the squirrels have been relocated to the trees behind Carvel.

And I think we all owe a big thanks to Chale.

That was a... That was a crazy att*ck.

I would have helped you out, but you, uh...

[Mutters]

Kendra: You're still my hero.

Oh, don't.

Wait for the rabies test to come back.

All right, so, we all know our job?

Yeah, it's simple... Mott cuts a wedge in the tree, we tie the main line to Duffy's truck, Goody and I are on the guidelines.

You give the signal, we bring her down like a baby's head on a pillow.

You've done this before?

No, but I watch a bunch of those logging shows.

All right, storm's picking up, so let's get crackalackin'!

Come on, come on, come on!

Oh, by the way, if the cops show up, I'm flipping like a pancake.

In prison, guys with my physique go for a premium.

I'm proud of you, babe, for saving those squirrels.

And I know if it came down to it, you'd do it all over again.

Actually, I wouldn't.

I'd hire someone to gas them.

Like... sleeping gas?

Sure.

♪
♪

All set, Duffy?

I'm in the truck, the rope's attached, and I'm standing by.

Over.

By the way, I think your milk turned.

My coffee tastes weird.

Copy that. It's almond milk.

Donna's going through a thing again.

Roger that.

If you like the almond milk, you should try the hazelnut.

Fat-free, and you'd never know. Over.

How does that stack up against soy?

Hey! Why are we talking about milk, ladies?

There's a tree that needs to come down!

I think we're good to go.

Okay, Uh, yeah. All right.

Let's do this. We're ready.

Yeah. Standing by.

Stand by, 1.

Cold and ready.

Okay, on my count.

Three, two...

Oh, God.

Go, go, go!

Hold up, hold up, okay? Her light just came on.

Okay, well, don't be a big baby, all right?

It's probably just on a timer, so nobody move!

I'll go check.

Delta, Foxtrot, how we lookin'?

Moron, moron, wait for my signal.

There might be a problem.

Okay.

Ooh, man, that's a lot of Hummels.

Okay, she is not home.

The lights are on a timer.

We are good to go.

Kevin, can you come here a minute?

[Sighs]

What's going on? We got the storm coming.

[Sighs] Honey, we can't take this tree down.

What are you talking about?

Still standing by.

I-I... You know what? Just give me a second, okay?

Look... They carved their initials in it.

Mrs. Hoost and her husband.

I mean, it must have been years ago.

It's so romantic.

And now this tree, that's all she has.

She's also got a big nephew, and you're gonna get a great tan this summer.

Honey, no.

This... It represents the life that they used to have.

I mean, if anything ever happened to you,

I don't know what I'd do.

You would waddle around in our sweet-ass, warm pool.

That's what you'd...

No!

I'd be like her, and I'd be sitting in our kitchen alone.

But I wouldn't even have a tree to stare at.

I can't take it down.

[Sighs] Look, I just...

I want you to be happy, you know, and...

Thank you.

But now's our chance if we're gonna do it.

I know. I know that you do, and I appreciate that.

But just...

We got to call it off.

[Sighs] All right.

Guys, you know what? Uh... we're good.

Good?

We're good.

Roger that!

[Engine revs]

Wait, wait, wait!

Oh, no!

What?

What?

["Ode to Joy" plays]

[Tree creaks]

No!

[Screaming]

You know, technically, I did take down the tree and move the pool.

Anything else you want me to take care of?

♪
♪

I got to say, 2017 was pretty great.

Mm. You know, 2018's gonna be even better.

Hey.

Mm.

I got to tell you, I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight, though.

Oh, me neither.

You know what we should do? We should record the ball drop.

[Yawning] That's fine with me.

[Doorbell rings]

Are you expecting someone?

No.

[Party horn blares]

Let's do this!

♪