01x05 - Toothpick

[bunniefuu]

I said to him, "Billy, if you're gonna raise your fist to another man, you better be prepared to use it." And you know what he did? Son of a bitch used 'em. Punched me right between the eyes. Almost broke my honker. Friend of mine said he'd never seen so much blood. And his wife worked at the hospital. I got my revenge. You know what I did?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Hmm?

Jack: You're not even paying attention to me, are you?

Mm-hmm.

(phone chimes)

"Hey, Angus, it's Cindy. I miss your cute butt".

Gross.

She didn't say that. Give me that.

There's five messages.

The last 24 hours. You want to tell me about this Cindy or should I be worried?

I already told you... There's nothing to tell.

Come on. Bro, seriously.

I'm bored.

If not...

I'm gonna have to polish off another bag of these... whatever they are.

And you know how annoying my chewing can get.

If you just closed your mouth it would solve the problem.

Oh, really? Okay, all right.

Okay, all right, she's a girl that I went on one date with.

And?

Okay. She's smart, she's funny... and she's beautiful.

Does she have a criminal record?

Actually, she's great.

Okay.

But she's just not...

Your psycho ex-girlfriend, who turned evil, betrayed you and tried to unleash a plague on the rest of the world? I get it.

You're not over Nikki.

It's not like that.

No?

It's not?

Then why have we chased her to some slum in Portugal and staked out her place for, like, the last...

57 hours and counting?

This is just business.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not still in love with Nikki.

Then why are we here, man?

Other agents could've followed up on the tip this is where Nikki's been hiding out.

Because she's my responsibility.

Anything she does is on me.

Oh, come on, Mac, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

What Nikki does is on Nikki.

Well, I can't shake this feeling.

At least not till we catch her.

That's her.

(door bangs open)

MacGyver: Turn around, Nikki.

Are-are you Angus MacGyver?

Who are you?

Yesterday, a young woman gave me $500, American, to come here today at this time and give this to an Angus MacGyver.

Was it this woman?

Did she say what this was for?

Nikki made us.

♪ ♪
♪ California love ♪
♪ Now let me welcome everybody ♪
♪ To the Wild, Wild West ♪
♪ A state that's untouchable like Eliot Ness ♪
♪ The track hits ya eardrum like a slug to ya chest ♪
♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex ♪
♪ We in that sunshine state where the b*mb ass hemp be ♪
♪ The state where ya never find a dance floor empty ♪
♪ And pimps be on a mission for them greens ♪
♪ Lean, mean money-makin' machines serving fiends... ♪

What are you so happy about?

Any day I get to help you out with your parole officer and get another digit of your number is a good day.

Four down, six to go.

But maybe we could stop delaying the inevitable?

The inevitable?

You. Me. A hot tub and an early Prince mix.

Since when did you get a hot tub?

My boy Mac did some reverse suction thingie to our vacuum and connected it to our kiddie pool.

It's pretty dope.

If I want to be electrocuted I'll do it the old-fashioned way and climb a utility pole.

Look, I know you want your parole officer to think that we're in a relationship, but you're not very convincing.

And how's that?

Because a real girlfriend would be looking deep into my baby browns.

My P.O.'s not here.

This is like a dress rehearsal, bae, okay?

Consider it practice.

My game's like a Venus flytrap.

You get close, you get bit.

And once you're bit... you're mine.

So you're a carnivorous plant that's gonna slowly digest me?

Uh... uh...

Let me ask you something.

Do any of these lines ever work?

Honestly?

No.

Then why are you pretending to be a player?

I mean, you're cute, funny, smart.

Just be yourself.

You think I'm cute?

Kinda.

Kinda's good. I can work with kinda.

Slow down, baller, I was just making a point, okay?

Now let's go before you make me late.

She thinks I'm cute. She thinks I'm cute!

MacGyver: I think it was Mike Tyson who said, "Everybody's got a plan till they get punched in the mouth". Losing Nikki's trail was more like a slap in the face, but Iron Mike still has a point: even the best plans can go sideways. This one sure did.

I'm sorry, man.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, if that's Cindy, tell her your better-looking, more-distinguished friend is very single.

It's Thornton, but I can tell her that if you want.

No, no, Thornton already knows I'm single.

No, thanks.

MacGyver (on phone): Hey, boss.

Thornton: It's time to pack up, boys.

I need you in Berlin. Now.

What's in Berlin?

For over a year, Interpol and the CIA have been trying to prove that Eric Wexler...

Head of the German branch of the U.S. defense contractor Wexler Aerospace Industries...

Has been selling weapons to America's enemies.

But neither agency has been able to find any proof.

All that changed 24 hours ago when Wexler's executive assistant, Katarina Wagner, reached out to Interpol with proof of his illegal actions.

Katarina spoke to Interpol agent Simon Abbott.

Agent Abbott emailed Katarina with a ticket for a night train going from Berlin to Frankfurt.

He said he would meet her at the station and bring her in.

The problem is, Agent Abbott was found m*rder*d four hours ago.

And that email is only two hours old.

So whoever sent Katarina that ticket k*lled the real Abbott and is waiting for her in Frankfurt.

She's walking right into a trap.

Thornton: And that's why we have to act fast. I'm heading to Frankfurt to track down whoever is planning to meet Katarina at the end of the line. You boys are gonna rendezvous with Riley in Berlin, get on that train... find Katarina, and keep her safe.

(passing train's horn blares)

(knocking on door)

Jack: Katarina?

Katarina?

Katarina?

Oh, great, she's not in here.

Are we sure this is her car?

Yeah. I hacked her e-mail and got the ticket the fake agent sent her.

Well, she's gotta be somewhere on the train, right?

Hold up. Hold up.

Free Wi-Fi is a hacker's best friend.

Minimal security, unencrypted traffic, and... easy access to every cell phone, computer, and tablet on the network.

And they all have cameras.

Whoa.

This is great, but I'm still not seeing her.

Maybe it's 'cause she's trying to disappear.

She cut and dyed her hair.

Jack: Well, that would make sense, given who Wexler is, and the people he works with.

She's probably scared half to death, running for her life right now.

Looks about six inches.

Blonde...

This is who we're looking for now.

Hey, Katarina... Don't.

If you run, I'm gonna have to chase you, and there's only so much train.

So... maybe just hear me out first?

My name is Angus MacGyver.

I work with the U.S. government.

I know you're scared.

That's why my friends and I... are here to get you through it...

To keep you safe.

I need to make a phone call.

To Agent Abbott?

Yeah, I don't think he's gonna pick up.

I'm sorry, Simon Abbott is dead.

k*lled by whoever sent you that ticket.

This train is leading you right into a trap.

That's why we're here. To protect you.

You work for Interpol?

The Phoenix Foundation.

Never heard of it.

That's kind of the point.

You have ID? Show me proof.

They're... not exactly the kind of place that prints up business cards.

How convenient.

You don't look like a secret agent.

What, exactly, is a secret agent supposed to look like?

Sharp suit.

Shorter hair.

A little more... worldly.

Well, it's a... it's a whole new world.

Look, I know this sounds crazy, but there's a man waiting for you when you step off this train in Frankfurt.

And when you do, he's going to k*ll you.

And I really don't want that to happen.

(indistinct chatter)

♪ ♪

(speaking German)

Papa!

(speaking German)

♪ ♪

You and I should take a walk.

Why would I do that?

Because my 12 friends are easily offended.

And when they get angry, they get loud.

(shouting, screaming)

♪ ♪

(g*nshots)

(tires screeching)

(beep)

Mac, we got a problem.

(beep)

What is it?

The op's been blown.

What does that mean?

It means trouble.

We need to go to your suite.

For what?

Just being cautious.

Riley: Hey, Mac.

I thought you said this train was nonstop.

I did. Why?

Because eight people just boarded.

From the roof.

(helicopter whirring)

(shouting in German)

Seriously?

Looks like they're splitting up to search.

We got to go.

If you want to live, you need to come with us now.

Now, lock the door and stay here until I come back.

You're leaving me alone?

I'll be back for you.

I promise.

Now, lock the door.

(lock clicks)

Jack: If you ask me, I think there was a little something-something going on between you two just now.

No one's asking you.

He can answer for himself.

Where are they?

Getting closer.

Hey. Hey, guys.

(snoring)

(whispering): Where you going?

(quietly): What are you doing?

MacGyver: These days, guys are spending a lot more time on their beards. But, hey, if this guy's grooming habits can give me 240 volts and an "on" switch, who am I to judge?

(knocking)

It's me.

Is it safe now?

Uh, well, it's only been three minutes.

But if anyone comes through the door...

You want me to shave them?

(chuckles softly)

No, not-not quite.

(clicking)

You turned it into a Taser?

Yeah. Well, I would've made it portable, but I didn't have a lighter.

Thank you.

Yeah. You're welcome.

So, you want the bad news or even worse news?

Um, neither?

They're splitting up to cover more ground.

MacGyver: They know she has protection, but they don't know what we look like.

Safest place to be is out in the open, blending in with the passengers...

Mm-hmm.

...but still keeping an eye on Katarina.

An eye on Katarina.

Well, they do say that solid relationships are born out of intense first encounters.

Can we not do this right now?

(rapid footsteps overhead)

They're heading towards her suite.

Let's go say hi.

Yeah.

Riley, stay here.

Watch our backs. You're our eyes and ears now.

And what am I supposed to do if those guys find Katarina before you find them?

You don't know martial arts, do you?

No, of course you don't. We'll work on that.

Uh, for now, if there's any trouble, just call us.

(slurring): Hey. That chick in the dining car... digs you, man.

MacGyver (laughing): You are wasted.

She was hot. You should get her number.

Hey, fellas. Hot chicks in the dining car.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna puke.

Oh, God!

(grunts) Oh...

Aah!

Aah! (grunts)

Ugh!

Crap.

Guys?

Our new friend is about to have company.

(whispers): Guys!

"If you're having trouble, just call us!"

(scoffs)

(German accent): Hello.

Hello. Open the door!

Guys...

(knocking continues)

If you can hear me...

(man speaking German)

It's about to get real.

(speaking German)

Riley: Wow, you must really have to go.

(Taser crackles, man grunts)

Heads up!

(grunts)

Ugh!

Ugh...

Sorry. He was in my seat.

You were supposed to call us.

I did. You didn't answer.

So we... improvised.

Good job, girls.

Where's MacGyver?

Ugh!

(g*ns clicks)

(screams)

How's Katarina?

Wishing she took a plane.

You've got two hours to Frankfurt.

Can you lay low that long?

Riley's tracking the rest of our party crashers via their cell phones, so...

If we can do that...

Yeah. We can probably stay one step ahead.

Good. You stay alive, Mac. I got to go.

I've got my own party to crash.

Entshuldigen Sie?

I'd like to thank our Japanese friends as well.

Excuse me. This is a private meeting.

(gasping)

Now it is.

Everyone. Out.

(murmuring)

You sent eight highly trained men to k*ll one civilian on a train.

I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.

Katarina Wagner must really have something on you.

My assistant, Katarina?

Are you're telling me that she's in danger?

It's gonna be a lot harder to play innocent once I find your k*ller from the train station.

Who did you say you work for, again?

I assume you're here with the full support of Interpol and the German government, yes?

No?

I'm not sure what you're going to say when the boys from the BND arrive.

Takes them about 90 seconds to answer to my silent alarm.

You have about 30 left.

I'll be back.

And next time, it'll be with proof and a pair of cuffs.

Good luck with that.

Now, if you'll please excuse me...

♪ ♪

Wexler: Gerhard. Where are you?

We have a problem...

So... they turned off their cell phones.

How can we track them now?

I have training, which is what you need.

So listen up 'cause I'm about to drop some of Jack's infinite wisdom on you.

Jack and wisdom?

Mm-hmm.

Two words I never thought I'd hear together.

Until invisibility is perfected, professional operators will always stand out.

You just have to know what to look for.

Men with this kind of training will change their clothes, but not their accessories.

So watches and shoes will still be m*llitary grade.

And they're alert, overly alert.

Like a man who's had one too many cups of coffee.

You know what I mean?

If you tell anyone, I'll deny it, but I think I just learned something from you.

Huh.

Good.

Okay, Mac, car's clear. We're moving on.

(sighs)

So, have you done this a lot?

Uh, what? Escape a moving train?

No, this is... this is my first time.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

I'm gonna use the train door to make a sled to lower onto the tracks.

Well, that sounds insanely dangerous.

Well, mostly because it is.

But it is a lot safer than staying on a train with a bunch of men who were sent to k*ll you.

Three days ago my biggest fear was Wexler's latte getting cold before he got to work.

How did I get here?

By being a good person.

The kind who would do the right thing no matter how dangerous.

When I first started at Wexler Aerospace, I thought I found the dream job with the perfect boss.

Wexler was kind and generous.

He made me feel like I was helping him build something good.

Wexler is a bad man who's great at keeping secrets.

There's no way you could have known what he was up to.

I answered his calls, set his meetings, booked his travel.

I knew every inch of that man's life.

I should have known something wasn't right.

None of this is on you.

You got to let yourself off the hook.

(door opens)

Excuse me?

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Hold on. Hold on. Sit down here for a second.

Riley: What is it?

Polo shirts, khakis and tactical boots.

Riley: What are we gonna do?

Nothing.

Try to make a move right now, it could get messy.

I got two bogeys coming your way, pal.

Okay. Thanks for the heads-up.

When I was young, my grandfather and I traveled from New York to Los Angeles on a train.

Do you have a bobby pin?

Trust me.

"Where you're going doesn't matter", he always used to say. "It's all about how you get there." I remember loving the trip, not because of what I saw outside, but because of what I found inside. Trains are an ideal place for a game of hide-and-seek. But hide-and-seek is way less fun... (train thudding) ...when getting caught can get you k*lled.

(footsteps approaching)

(men speaking German)

(gasps quietly)

(footsteps retreating)

Okay. Okay, we're good.

Uh, sorry. I...

You don't have to apologize.

Mac!

(groans)

(groaning)

(man speaking German)

(groans)

(man coughing)

(coughing continues)

(coughing, door squeaks shut)

Hang on! Hang on! We got a bogey.

(groaning)

(grunting)

(groaning)

Riley: Mac, he's got a Kn*fe!

(grunting)

(grunting)

(steel blade clinks)

MacGyver: Fun fact about trains... They have torpedoes on board. Now these are not the kind used by the Navy. These torpedoes are small pressure-released expl*sives used by engineers to let following trains know that there's trouble on the tracks. But with a little imagination, you can turn one of those warning devices into a w*apon.

(expl*sive pop, man yelling)

What the hell happened in here?

Unexpected visitor.

Jack: Okay.

Well, that's two more down, which leaves only three now, right?

MAN: Carter? Carter? Wo bist du?

Sorry, but Carter's a little busy being dead right now. Over.

Man: And you will be joining him, whoever you are.

I'm the guy who's so gonna k*ll you, man.

(train rumbles and thuds loudly)

What now?

We're accelerating... a lot.

(helicopter whirring)

Riley: Where are they going?

Well, look at the bright side, Katarina...

Now you ain't got to worry about Wexler's men k*lling you anymore.

MacGyver: Yeah, 'cause this train's gonna crash, it's gonna k*ll everyone on board including us.

Ah. This here don't look so good.

And I'm guessing this is gonna be a problem.

Looks like they sabotaged the pneumatic air brakes and removed the train's computer.

Which means what?

Which means they removed all on-board fail-safes to stop the train.

Well, Riley, can you hack what's left of the computer and tell it...

What's left is a hole, Jack. You can't hack a hole.

Okay, all right. No need for the attitude.

I get it. Mac, can you fix the hole?

Fix the hole?

Yeah!

Riley: Okay.

If we were two hours from Frankfurt when our speed increased...

Are you seriously about to tell me this boils down to one of those “two trains leave the statio” word problems? I was always terrible at those.

30 minutes! That's how much time we have until this train plows into the station.

I actually think I might have a solution to this, but it's... it's kind of risky.

What kind of risky?

The "it might derail the whole thing instantly k*lling everyone on board" kind.

Jack: Okay, good. We'll call that Plan "A" and not do that. What's Plan “B”?

Plan "B" is to minimize casualties and get everyone off this thing, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...but I'm gonna need your help.

Katarina: Attention, passengers. This is an emergency.

I need everyone to take their cell phones and proceed calmly to the back of the train.

(Katarina speaking German)

Okay, rise and shine, people.

Up! Up! Up! Move! Move! Move!

Um, Jack, she said calmly.

Yeah, there's no time for calm. There's hundreds of people on board and the clock's ticking.

Let's go!

All right, everyone.

Move to the back of the train. Do not forget your phones.

Let's go, come on, come on.

That's it. That's the way to move.

Here we go, here we go.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Wait, wait.

Hold up there, Donald Duck.

Put some pants on, man.

Uh, how do you say, uh, "Put your pants on" in German? Huh?

Sprechen sie pants, dude.

Uh, I think that means, uh...

It means put on your pants.

Thank you.

All right, let's go!

Let's go, people!

Riley: Don't forget your phones.

Let's go, let's go!

Hey, Patty, slight wrinkle.

Wexler's men have sabotaged the train and split, so now we're on a runaway that's gonna crash into Frankfurt in less than 20 minutes.

Mac's getting all the passengers off the train, but you're gonna have to clear that station.

Copy. I'm on it.

Jack, our witness...

Is she okay?

Katarina?

She's in excellent hands.

(sighs) Is this gonna work?

Sure as hell hope so.

I can't believe Eric would let this many people die just to keep me from testifying.

This is all because of me.

Jack: Okay, Mac, we're good to go.

All 132 passengers are in the last three cars.

You ready?

Uh-oh, you got that look on your face, the one you give when you're about to tell me that...

Something's wrong.

Yeah, like what?!

The decoupling lever runs on the same pneumatic system as the brakes.

When Wexler's men destroyed them, they must've also destroyed our ability to decouple the cars.

So?

So, we're not gonna be doing this the easy way.

But there is a hard way, right?

MacGyver: Of course there's a hard way. There's always a hard way. And the hard way always sucks... but sometimes it's your only option. If I'm going to decouple these cars, I'm gonna have to cut through the steel connecting them. And cutting through steel is all about knowing your chemistry. If you can get your hands on some magnesium, found in the armrests on many modern trains, and some iron oxide, or rust, found just about, well, anywhere, and then add some fire, you've got what you need to make a thermal lance: a cutting tool that can slice through just about anything.

So this is the hard way?

And the dangerous way.

♪ ♪

What happened?

I ran out of fuel.

And it didn't have time to cut all the way through.

We're gonna have to move back to Plan "C".

Plan "C"?

Plan "C" went out the window eight operatives and a helicopter ago.

We're, like, on Plan "F" right now, dude.

MacGyver: It won't budge.

(grunts)

What are you doing? Get back there.

No! You need some help.

I can do it.

Go! Go!

No!

No. Move over.

I'm not going anywhere. Let's go!

All right, the second it snaps, you jump to the other car.

Jack: Brains before beauty.

MacGyver: I'm serious, man.

We'll have about two seconds to make it before we hit the tracks at 100 miles an hour.

(whoops)

That sounds awesome! Let's do this!

(creaking)

(creaking intensifies)

(coupling snaps)

(wheels screeching)

Oh, boy.

Now what?

Now we, uh... We go back to Plan "A".

Wait a minute. I thought you said that Plan "A" could k*ll everybody on board the train.

Yeah, I did.

Except there's only two people on board now.

Oh!

Great!

♪ ♪

You know what's weird?

I've never been to Frankfurt.

Guessing this isn't the way you wanted to visit.

No. I always thought I'd die somewhere tropical.

Jack, help me get this other side.

(panel creaks)

Jack: Aah.

I'm guessing Plan "A" involves you climbing down there.

Or you could do it.

I can walk you through what I was thinking.

(chuckles) I'll get the next one.

Deal.

Oh, and uh... brace yourself, 'cause Plan "A" gets a little... bumpy.

Good luck!

Most trains are diesel-electric, meaning a diesel engine generates electricity to drive the wheels. If I had miles of track, I could just unplug the cables and let the train slow down on its own. But I don't have miles of track, so I'm gonna do something a lot less safe.

Jack: Hey, Mac!

Whatever you're doing down there, you better do it real fast!

♪ ♪

MacGyver: Swapping the wires makes the motors spin backwards. A bit like slamming your car into reverse when doing 80 on the freeway. Except we're doing about 225, and the train weighs about 50 times more than a car, and I'm strapped to the bottom of it. So this should be fun.

(sparks)

(wheels screeching)

Mac!

Hey, Mac!

(wheels continue screeching)

Mac, it's working!

We're slowing down!

Mac!

How you doing down there?

Mac!

(grunting)

Welcome to Frankfurt.

(laughter)

(whoops)

♪ ♪

You remember what I told you the last time we met.

(sighs)

Riley: Hey, um...

That stuff you taught me on the train?

Mm-hmm.

Got any more tips you'd like to share?

Well, well, well.

She's had a little taste of Jack's infinite wisdom and now she's hooked.

Is that it? Hmm?

Well, you'll be happy to know that Thornton and I have talked about getting you some more field training.

Don't worry. Once we're done with you, you'll make Jason Bourne look like Matt Damon.

(chuckles softly)

Thanks, Jack.

Mm-hmm.

Now, you better watch it, or I'm gonna start thinking that you respect me.

Don't go crazy now.

I'm just starting to like you.

(chuckling): Okay...

Do you remember the first thing you said to me?

"Hey, Katarina"?

(laughs)

You said you were going to get me through this.

You kept your promise.

Eh, I kept you alive.

You did the hard part.

Deciding to speak up and tell the truth about Wexler.

I couldn't stay quiet.

I couldn't live with feeling responsible.

(sighs) But thanks to you, I know I'm not.

No, you're not.

But you are responsible for putting him in jail.

We did that together.

(laughs, clears throat)

(giggles)

If you're ever in Germany again...

Uh, yeah. I... I will.

I-I mean, I'm not... not very good at making plans, but... if...

Let's definitely plan to make plans, okay?

Maybe something without a train next time.

(chuckles)

Good-bye, Angus.

(slaps his back)

I'm proud of you, man.

(exhales)

For what? The train?

No.

No. That kind of stuff you can do in your sleep.

I'm talking about the girl.

I can see you trying to move on. That's... that's good.

That's, you know... progress.

I guess it just takes the right someone.

But you do know not to get tied down to one filly, right?

I mean, you got to... build the stable.

Ugh.

Why does your mouth always have to ruin a good thing?

I don't know.

I don't know.

(laughs) Let's go home.

Let's go get something to eat.

I'm starving.

♪ ♪

(rubber duck squeaks)

Bozer: Damn, girl.

I feel like I'm being played now.

I still don't know the rules of this game, but as long as I'm winning.

Where's Mac?

He came home from his business trip, dumped his bag, and took off.

He's weird like that sometimes.

All right. One last sh*t.

Winner take all.

I win, it's another digit.

You win, dinner's on Chef Bozer.

So, either you get a number, or you get dinner with me?

Sounds like you win either way.

What do you say?

Prepare to lose.

(rubber duck squeaks)

MacGyver: They say the best laid plans often go awry.

Did she say what this was for?

It's messy and imperfect and things don't always go according to plan. I wasn't looking to move on when I boarded that train, but sometimes you meet someone who makes you look at things differently. Because if Wexler wasn't Katarina's fault, then maybe Nikki wasn't mine. But one thing that hasn't changed... I'm still planning on catching her.