01x03 - Ddongjeem & Umma's Picture

[bunniefuu]

Man: Hit me with one of them scratch-and-wins.

Is that one you car?

Huh?

Which one?

Red Toyota, no-parking zone.

Is that one you car?

No, man. I don't even own a car.

I'll take these two.

Appa: Hmm.

If you don't have car, why you ask "Which one?" when I ask, "Is that one you car?"

I don't know.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Huh.

Janet: Here's your lunch, Appa.

Okay, see you.

(DOOR BELLS JINGLE)

(DOOR SHUTS)

Janet. Call police.

What happened?

Car is no-parking zone.

Talk to police.

Let me guess...

It's a Honda?

No.

Mitsubishi?

No.

Okay, it's a Toyota, but still, no-parking zone!

How many times do I have to tell you, Appa?

Japanese people aren't the only ones driving Japanese cars.

Janet, 1910, Japan att*ck Korea.

(JANET REPEATS)

You buy Japanese, you is guilty by associationship.

What about your Canon SLR camera?

Appa get half price.

Your money still went to Japan.

Half price, I rip off Japan. Talk to police.

Uh... Why don't you just call them yourself?

Police hear accent, they don't take serious.

Appa...

Janet! 1910, Japan att*ck Korea...

Okay, okay. I'll call.

(GRUMBLES)

(PHONE BEEPING)

Yeah. Never mind. Cancel order, we don't need.

But there's an illegally parked car right there. -Ah.

But it's Hyundai. No problem.

(SIGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPA HUMMING)

Gerald: Hello, Mr. Kim.

Gerald.

Janet not here. Five dollar.

Well, actually, I was hoping I could ask you a favor.

Um...

Well...

(DOOR BELL JINGLES)

(SIGHS)

You have a very interesting face.

Hmm.

And I would really love to take some pictures of it, of you as a whole, for school.

I've seen you picture.

They just naked.

Oh. That was just one assignment...

No! I never do naked picture!

(STAMMERS) I... I... Just the neck up.

I know what you thinking.

"Oh, it's so hot, Mr. Kim, take off jacket.

"Oh, looking good, Mr. Kim, take off shirt.

"Everybody doing, Mr. Kim, take off panty."

I would not ask you to take off...

Then you sell to naked picture magazine for businessmen, huh?

Who?

They like naked everything.

Okay.

Some magazine, only for the foot.

I don't...

Foot in sock, foot with hair, foot in shoe, naked foot... No shame. Out!

Gladly. Okay.

(DOOR BELL JINGLES)

(CHUCKLES) Hello.

Nice day, eh? (CHUCKLES)

Kimchee: Of course I can cut out early.

My best friend's practically the boss here.

Kimchee.

Yeah.

I kinda run the shop when he's not around so it's no problem.

Yeah. Let me run home and get my jersey.

(MUFFLED GROAN)

Hey, can I call you back?

(WHIMPERS AND GROANS)

What the hell, man?

I was just frontin'. (EXHALES SHARPLY)

So, tell me about Phil.

Phil, yeah.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that guy.

He said that you tried to get him to chamois the cars.

Yeah. And he said no. Can you believe it?

Yo, we might have to fire his ass.

He said no, because it's not his job. It's yours.

He disrespects me, he disrespects you.

I'm the assistant to the assistant.

It's like nobody here gets that.

You're not my assistant. I don't have an assistant.

I'm the assistant.

Don't run yourself down.

Kimch, we're friends but you gotta stop taking advantage.

"Taking advantage"? By having your back?

These guys are lazy.

Lazy when it comes to doing your job.

Yo, you wouldn't even be working here if it wasn't for me.

I appreciate that.

But I worked hard to get the bump up and I'm not about to let you screw it up.

So I'm the screw-up?

That's funny coming from a guy who stole cell phones for a living.

You stole cell phones too.

But I didn't get caught.

Yeah. I only got caught because you ran...

You know what?

Rest of the week, you're on urinal cake duty.

Old ones out, new ones in. Every day.

Oh. So, is this the way it's gonna be?

That's the way it is.

So, that's the way it is.

Get out of my office.

(SUCKS TEETH) You got an office?

Go!

Appa: ...and 12 egg.

Yeah, I say like that.

Look, if I only want 12 egg, I say "dozen."

If I want 12-dozen egg, I say "12 egg."

Easy. "Egg" means "dozen."

"Dozen" means "12 egg."

What's you problem?

(DIAL TONE)

Hello? Hello?

(DOOR BELL JINGLES)

(GROANS)

I'm not even talking to anyone. (GRUMBLES)

I'm still not interested, Gerald-paparazzi-boy.

Um, I'm actually just here to see Mrs. Kim.

Ah, she is for sure not interested in your naked picture.

No, I just need to show her something.

What?

Her photos.

After you declined, I asked Mrs. Kim and she said yes.

You walk into my store, like a crazy p*rn picture-taker, and tell me you take photo of my wife?

Yes but, I... Okay.

Give!

They're not naked photos!

Give!

I cannot stress that enough.

And negative too.

It's all digital. And tasteful.

Password.

It's, uh... I'll just...

Password.

I'll show you.

I just show you. Password.

You're not supposed to give people your passwords.

It's not "1-2-3-4." Look, I...

(GRUMBLES)

Please, Mr. Kim.

You know what happen when too many bad password?

iPad lockdown.

You know how to fix iPad lockdown, huh?

I don't know how to fix... Okay! Okay!

It's "4-3-2-1."

(SCOFFS)

And then the photo folder is just there.

You take this photo?

Yeah.

It's good.

Thanks, Mr. Kim.

That's like the first time you've ever...

It's very good, Gerald.

Okay. I accept. Hmm?

What?

If you do this with Mrs. Kim, think what you can do with an interesting face.

Let's sh**t.

You know what?

I'm already done the assignment.

Hey.

Hey.

Look how beautiful, huh?

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, he do me next.

Who do what next?

I do him next, but I don't. I don't do him.

I... He wants me to take a picture of him, but I can't, I got such a busy week.

Oh. Gerald play hardball, huh?

Okay. I commission you, take a picture of me.

Like Renaissance time.

I pay to you one pop, every day for rest of life.

I actually don't even like pop.

But do you like free pop?

It tastes identical. Why don't you just ask Janet?

That's okay, I'm pretty busy too.

Okay, two free pop. Final offer.

Hey, it's your call.

Gerald: Um...

Okay, but can we change it to a bag of chips?

Small bag only. Ketchup chips not include.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, Janet, have a good shift, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

I practice face exercise.

I'm just telling you what I heard.

And according to one of your colleagues, they say you used your hands to anally penetrate...

What?

Hey, don't sexually harass the messenger. (CHUCKLES)

Not that you would.

No. No, I wouldn't.

Like, where's this coming from?

He's requested that his name, or she, her name, or his, remain anonymous.

But this is a very serious complaint.

I think I know what this is about.

And it's just a huge misunderstanding.

I'm sure it is. I made it very clear that you have never once been sexually inappropriate with me or anybody else, and I am very aware of that kind of thing.

It's called a ddongjeem.

Is that prison slang?

No, it's Korean.

So ddon means "poop", and jeem means, uh, "needle".

So, like a "poop needle."

It's the same as a wedgie.

Okay, uh, I'm picturing a wedgie but I feel like you would have to work very hard to get to the point of penetration.

There's no penetration.

It's just a prank that Korean kids like to do.

Okay? You put your hands in the prayer position...

So this is a religious thing?

No, it's just how you put your hands.

And then you just give a quick jab. For fun.

So you jab the anus for fun.

It's got nothing to do with the anus. Okay?

Just forget about the anus.

I'd like to, but you keep saying "anus."

It's just a quick little poke in the bum that Korean guys do to each other, like at church.

I'm not explaining this right.

Okay, you know what?

I think I get it and it even sounds kind of fun.

But if this got back to head office it could be considered harassment.

Head office knows about this?

No, but if Kimchee, or her...

Decides to file a formal complaint I have no choice but to send this on up.

Kimchee ddongjeems me all the time.

Okay. So this is more widespread than I thought.

I need you to go find Kimchee and resolve this now.

Without using ddongjeem, or anything else that might be sexually confusing or ambiguous or intriguing at all.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Janet: It's really beautiful, Umma.

Perfect for your "Don't Touch" wall.

"'Don't Touch' wall"?

Uh...

Umma: Don't touch!

See?

"Don't Touch" wall is too full.

No balance. Have to take one away.

Yeah.

Uh... Take out.

Yeah.

But that's the one I...

Took.

(EXCLAIMS)

That's a best funeral photo.

Hmm? (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Yeah. You remember Mr. Chang's funeral photo?

Very bad.

Photo was from roller-coaster ride at Canada Wonderland.

Mr. Chang look very scared.

Like he knew he was going to hell, huh?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(SIGHS)

That is so beautiful. Huh?

Like you going to heaven.

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

You want help getting that ice pack up a little further?

I wouldn't joke about this, bro.

Kimch, you're not serious...

This is a really interesting pamphlet.

I could get fired for this.

Maybe you should have thought of that before you...

"Repeatedly tried to force your hands on me without consent..."

It was just a ddongjeem!

Please, don't ddongjeem me again!

I really don't need any more "anxiety, loss of appetite, or social isolation."

(CHUCKLES) He's not being serious.

And he does it to me all the time.

It's just a little nudge with your fingers in...

It's like if I gave you a wedgie or a pink belly.

Which I would never do, but if I did, then it would just be for fun.

But I wouldn't.

So...

Are you mad at me?

No.

Are you mad generally?

No.

Well, kinda. Sorta. Yes.

Okay.

I'm just thinking I've been focusing too much on photography, you know?

You're a way better photographer than I am.

Apparently not.

Okay, let's do this one, huh?

Gerald: Hi, Mr. Kim.

Are you wearing makeup?

It's a Korean-style lotion.

For Gerald take my picture. Hmm?

What you think, with golf trophy?

Church tournament, huh?

Or we go outside.

I show you my putt.

I hope that bag of chips is worth it.

Ah, not just bag of chip.

One bag of chip every day for rest of my life.

I thought it was for the rest of my life?

No, I say "rest of life."

You life, me life, whichever end first, mmm?

Well...

If I die first, how I give chip to you?

Huh? And if you die first, how you eat chip I give to you?

Just take picture.

Thank you all for coming to this little meeting.

You said it was mandatory.

Okay.

I think we've all noticed a little bit of tension around the office lately, so I just wanted to get the g*ng together and nip this in the bud.

A lot of people mispronounce that word.

Sorry, what is this about?

Well, I like to think of us as a family and, Terence, two of your siblings are having a little bit of a misunderstanding.

Oh, I just thought this was a lovers' quarrel.

We're not a couple.

You're... You're not?

No.

Okay, it's just a ddongjeem. It's a Korean thing.

And this is an excellent opportunity for us to increase our sensitivity of different cultures and traditions.

For example, in my family we play this game where we pass an orange around the room using only our necks.

(CHUCKLES)

That may seem sexual to some people in different cultures...

Why are you looking at me?

There are only five people here. I have to look at someone.

The point is, we need to be sensitive to each other racially, and sexually, and culturally, and sexually...

And if you two can just make amends, we can all move on.

Sure. I'm really sorry about what happened.

Totally unprofessional, totally won't happen again.

Thank you. I accept your apology.

Uh, I wasn't apologizing to you.

I was apologizing to everyone else.

Oh. Apology not accepted.

You can't accept an apology that I never gave.

Maybe you guys should just break up.

We're not a couple.

But I'm sure as friends you'd like to find some common ground.

Oh, we're not friends.

We're not?

No, we're not.

Okay, this might be a good time for a little break.

Jung: Fine.

Cool. Good meeting.

I'm just gonna go.

Okay, thank you for coming.

Yeah, Terence, you can go.

I can go too?

Yeah, thank you.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

What you think about what I'm doing?

Well, why don't you tell me what you're going for, and I'll tell you how you can sort of achieve that look.

Hmm. In my funeral photo I want to be looking successful.

But why are you making that face?

This is a successful face. Why you making that face?

This is just my face.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CONTINUES CLICKING)

Look. Why don't we forget I'm here, okay? Both of us.

And you just try doing some work or something.

Oh, good idea. Action sh*t, huh?

Yeah.

James Bond. In Casino Royale.

(CLATTERS)

Oh.

Don't take that one. Mmm?

Hello, Mr. Kim.

Oh! Good afternoon, Ms. Mary.

(CHUCKLES)

Appa in action.

How's your hip?

Calcium good for bones. Let me help.

You don't have any chocolate.

Yeah, but we do have this one. (CHUCKLES)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CONTINUES CLICKING)

Here we go.

This is whipping cream.

Turn off camera.

Oh.

Okay, no chocolate milk. Sorry.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

You don't look sorry.

Do I look successful?

You look uncomfortable.

You look uncomfortable.

Get some chocolate milk.

(SIGHS)

Don't use that one.

Maybe we should try this another day.

What?

I get nervous around you.

And you nervous make me nervous.

Can't take good funeral photo.

Maybe you have to take sneak-att*ck photo of me, huh?

Okay.

Appa: Not now! Surprise.

Commando style. Like a ninja.

Like... Like, tomorrow morning?

Don't tell to me! Take photo when I don't know.

You understand?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I understand.

(SNORING)

Hey, you up?

What time is it?

(SWITCH CLICKS)

Kimchee: A time I should be sleeping.

Like you seem to be doing, no problem.

We're really gonna do this now?

Do what?

'Cause I don't know what we're doing.

All right. What do you want me to say?

Anything!

I find out today we're not friends anymore, and then I get home, and this guy doesn't say anything to me.

You make dinner, watch TV, and go to bed.

What is that?

You're the one who said we weren't friends anymore.

Is that all you got?

It's what happened!

So you didn't brutally ddongjeem me?

And then kick me out of our office?

And then you had the balls to apologize to everyone else but me!

Speaking of balls, you might want to switch to boxer briefs.

You're seriously making jokes right now?

You know what? Forget it.

Hey. Hold it, Kimch.

I'm sorry.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Yeah, I want you to feel better. But I mean it.

Okay? This sucks.

I shouldn't have ddongjeem-ed you at work.

And?

What about kicking me out of my office?

It's my office.

It's my apartment.

Are you kicking me out?

No.

It's just so weird.

Look, it's weird for me too.

But when we're at work you gotta respect my position.

And you gotta respect me. All of me.

You're right.

Hug it out?

You're not wearing any...

Hug it out.

I'm really not comfortable... Oh!

Okay.

You hungry?

For what?

I'm making eggs.

(SIGHS) I'm just gonna close my eyes and go back to sleep.

All right. (KISSES)

You don't have any bouillon cubes, do you?

(CHUCKLES)

Here you go, sir.

Thanks.

You know what?

We're good.

C'mon, Noah.

(WHISPERS) Go. You blocking my light.

Gerald!

Time out!

Who are you yelling at, Appa?

Gerald.

He is taking sneak-att*ck photo of me.

But I need break.

Gerald's at school.

That's what he wants us to think. Gerald!

No, seriously, Appa. I was just with him.

Ugh, waste.

Such good posing today.

Why don't you just sit, and I'll get you some tea.

(SIGHS) Okay.

(GROANS)

(APPA EXHALES DEEPLY)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Appa: Yeah.

What I tell you, Gerald? Sneak att*ck.

Catch the inside Appa.

You have great talent.

Thank you, Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you like it.

Side by side.

Like graveyard when we die.

Mmm.

(WHISPERS) Thanks for the save.

I feel like you should just tell them.

(WHISPERS) Nah, this is working for me.

Now I ready to die.

Me too.

Look like we going to heaven.

Umma: Yeah.

I feel like I shouldn't be here.

(WHISPERS) I feel like that most of the time.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

Are you a good photographer?

I don't know. I like some of my stuff.

Come on, Janet.

Yeah, I'm pretty good.

Well, then then it doesn't matter what Appa and Umma think.

(LAUGHS) Oh. I'm going to remember you said that.

This must be k*lling you.

Ddongjeem's stupid. It's for kids.

Uh-huh. And you'll get fired if you do it again.

Yeah.

But I don't work here.

If anyone asks, I'm in my office.

Hey.

g*n it.