This won't take long...
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
It's awful.
So do you have any questions?
No, I'm good.
Me too.
(Upbeat pop music)
Robert: I got this new deal. We call it Fun Space.
I'm just not in an investing space right now.
Can you ask your husband to stop calling me?
Robert has been calling you?
Yes, and texting me.
This is a picture of a French baguette with a Kn*fe through it.
We're not doing lawyers, we're going with mediation.
You're doing mediation? Good luck with that, man.
We really shouldn't discuss anything until Robert gets here...
I'll try again.
(Phone ringing)
Do you need to take that?
No.
I was reluctant to lawyer up, but, hey, I gotta protect what's mine.
So smart.
Mediation is like one person ends up with the cup, the other person ends up with the coffee, you know?
(laughs) Right.
So, um, let's see what kind of assets we're talking about.
It's not gonna look like a whole lot on paper, but I got a big project in the works.
It's an indoor adventure experience called FunSpace.
Mm.
The, uh... the DBA is pending.
And soon as it's rolling, whole financial picture's gonna change.
Well, you're in great hands with Gerald Watkins Mayfield.
So, you do mostly divorces?
Nope. Mostly wills, trusts, estates.
You do some divorces?
You know what, Robert?
Basically, it's all law.
(knocking on door)
All law.
I'm with a client.
(door opens)
Hey, sorry. I'm going out.
Will you set the timer, turn off the oven in 35 minutes?
I'm using the timer for a meeting, hon... Angela.
Use your phone, then.
Right. Thank you.
Good idea.
My associate, Angela.
Also my wife.
One of the many benefits of working at home.
Um, do you have a, you know... like, a real office somewhere else?
Robert, there's no bells and whistles here.
I run lean and mean so I can focus on winning cases.
Fancy offices, hot secretaries, diplomas on the walls...
I don't need that ego bullshit.
Right.
The good news for you is I don't charge what those midtown divorce lawyers charge.
They can be 750 an hour.
Holy f*ck!
Who's got that kind of green?
Well, you might someday.
If I can protect what you've got coming.
(sighs)
I can do this, Robert. Are you on board?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I am.
Great.
(timer rings)
All right, so we're at an hour and six minutes.
Screw it, let's call it an hour.
How do you wanna pay up?
What works for you?
Cash.
(music playing)
♪ I won't go livin' in the past ♪
♪ But I believe that love can last ♪
♪ That you'd always remain ♪
♪ After all, we're still the same ♪
♪ Take me ♪
♪ Take me high ♪
♪ Say hello ♪
♪ Take me ♪
♪ Take me high ♪
♪ Say hello ♪
♪ Say hello ♪
♪ Say hello... ♪
(phone ringing)
Can someone get that?
Lila: I'm watching a movie!
Tom?
Hello?
Oh... oh, uh, hello.
Um, I'm sorry. I thought this was his cell phone.
Are you... are you calling for Robert?
No. Is he there?
He hired a lawyer?
No! What? (chuckles)
Uh, I must have the wrong number.
Uh, the wrong Robert.
I'm not a lawyer.
This, uh... this is a prank call.
What are you wearing?
(phone beeps)
See, over here, I was thinking about putting the FunSpace FoodSpace.
Back here, the ball pit, so that's gonna be the FunSpace BallSpace.
What do you think of that, George?
I love it.
So, are you ready to make an offer?
Because sellers are very motivated.
A few more questions, George. A few more questions from my investors.
Okay, what about the parking lot?
I mean, how many spots do we got out there?
226.
226 families, which is a thousand entry fees if I go with the entry fee structure.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Right?
What about room for tour buses?
Well, none right now, but that's just white paint.
White paint. I like that, George. White paint.
See, tour buses are key to the business model because I see this as a field trip destination.
You know, let me ask you a quick question, how high do you think the average kid jumps on a trampoline?
I... that, I'm not sure, no.
Well, because it's gonna directly affect the height of the ceiling.
Right.
But I don't wanna stop the parents from jumping.
No.
I don't wanna do that because fun has no age limit.
Son of a bitch, George. This is all you.
You're the one that's motivating all of this.
(chuckles)
All right. Oh, you know what?
You know what would be fun? Velcro suits.
(phone chiming)
Like, they jump and they stick.
Oh, and...
Right? They struggle like a baby.
Right. Yeah, man.
It'd be funny.
Yeah. Okay.
Hang on one second. Yello?
You hired a lawyer?
Uh, well, I'm not actually obligated to, you know, give you that information.
I already got that information from your lawyer.
Okay, well, I may or may not have...
He called the house, so now I know you have a lawyer and I know he's an idiot.
Okay, let's not make it personal.
Which makes you an idiot, too.
You don't have to call him an idiot.
I thought we decided to mediate, you know, act like adults, make this as painless as possible.
Frances, just trying to protect both our interests here, okay?
And I don't we were getting anywhere
with the binders and, you know, coloring books.
(growls) Workbooks!
And we paid for that session that you didn't even bother to show up for.
Right. So, we tried mediation.
Let's move on. Is that crazy?
Robert... when this is over and you're wondering when exactly it went so wrong, remember this moment because you did this.
You did this the moment you hired a lawyer, okay?
So, I was wondering if I'm at sort of a disadvantage since my husband already has a lawyer.
Gerald Watkins Mayfield? I do not see him as a problem.
I looked at his website.
His main area of expertise would appear to be clip art.
So, preliminarily, issue one...
Excuse me, I'm sorry. Just... it's just one more thing before we get too far along.
Um, can you... can you just give me a sense of how much this is gonna cost?
Well, that depends on your definition of cost, right?
Because with me, you get a partner.
We walk through this together.
You are not stuck with some teenage summer associate.
Your problems are my problems.
So, this is going to be quite costly.
Yes.
But compared with the assets you could lose, it's a mere fraction.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, let's do this.
Preliminarily, issue one...
I never wanna be surprised, so you must be totally honest with me about anything that he might use against you.
Well, I... I cheated on him.
I had an affair.
Okay.
That's common. We can get through that.
"Let he who is without sin"...
Also, because of the affair, I missed some time with my kids.
Regrettable, but understandable.
Also, I don't need all of this right now...
I've erased shows that I knew Robert wanted to watch because I found them annoying, like "Ice Road Truckers."
I don't know that program, but...
I kissed... no, actually, I fully made out with this guy at my friend Dallas's bachelorette...
Again, just... just put these in an email.
Just sh**t 'em off.
I've never faked an orgasm with Robert.
I mean, I... it probably sounds impressive, but it's not.
It's mean.
And when I didn't have one, because, you know, as a woman you don't always, I would make it clear to him that I didn't have one and he would feel awful.
And then he would wanna make it up to me by, you know, doing, you know.
And I would say, "Nah, let's just go to sleep."
I think I enjoyed making him feel inadequate.
Oof.
I mean, that's just at the top, you know... off the top of my head.
I mean, if you give me a few minutes, I'm sure I can think of more.
Just jot them all down at home...
Okay, okay.
...and bring them with you the next time that I see you.
The more that I know, the easier it is for me to get you what you deserve.
What do I deserve?
Happiness.
Oh. Oh.
Blue key is for the front door, pink key is for storage.
That's it. It's all yours. Exciting.
It's exciting and terrifying.
Hey, you know, maybe you could smash out this wall and buy the space next door, too.
Sure.
You could put a cafe in there.
Yeah, I think the gallery is all I can handle right now.
Right, start really, really small, then expand and make it special.
So, what was this place before?
Last year, it was a bridal shop primarily for lesbians.
Oh.
And before that, it was a Halloween store.
And before that, it was used for animal adoptions.
Oh, I... I was not previously aware of this.
Oh, yeah, it's one of those super diverse locations where just about anything can work.
Here's hoping!
Anyway, congratulations.
Good luck.
Bye.
Good-bye.
It's so dark in here.
It was really sunny when she showed me the place.
I think she did that on purpose.
I hate her.
Oh, come on.
You're getting to do what you always wanted to do... the art stuff.
Ooh, I forgot. I made you a list.
I had Nick's business manager put this together.
These are all artists whose paintings we bought, so they owe me one, which means they owe you one.
Thank you, Diane.
Wow. Wowza, yes.
These are big-time artists, yeah.
Sort of out of my league at this stage.
Wow, you guys have two John Currins?
Oh, just tiny, little ones. I could pop them in my pocket.
Oh, Mickey Burgess, yeah. He's having, um... he's having an opening at a gallery in Scarsdale this week.
Oh, I bet they're having an opening party, then.
(gasps) We should go! We should go!
Come on. We're totally gonna go.
Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll introduce you to Mickey what's-his-name.
As what?
"This is my friend Frances.
It's really important you know her 'cause she's opening a shitty little gallery at an ex-Halloween store."
Uh, excuse me. Is this Progress Bridal?
Oh, no. It's an art gallery now.
Oh.
(sighs)
(door closes)
Well...
Do you think they're real lesbians?
Well, I'm not sure why they would be pretending.
You got Max Brodkin? Phoof!
You told me to call him.
Phoof, I know.
But can you afford that kind of money?
What?! You told me to call him.
And stop saying "phoof."
Yeah. No, you're right. No, no.
He's great and he doesn't take just anyone.
He represented that guy on Wall Street whose wife said that he forced her to have group sex with clients.
Yeah, I remember. That was an awful story.
No, I knew her. She liked it.
Anyway, Brodkin helped that guy keep his apartment and she ended up in debt prison, so lucky you.
When did you start smoking again?
This morning when Cole told me that he wants to go live with his stepfather.
Oh, no.
And he's spending all his free time with this 18-year-old hussy who looks like she's been pregnant twice already.
(sighs) That's really why I called. I just need to cry.
You need to cry?
Yeah. You know that I can't cry just by myself.
I need somebody to be listening or it just doesn't come.
'Cause that's how you got your dad's attention, yeah.
Right, I just... I need to, you know, get it out of my system and... or I can't get through the day, so...
(deep breath) Hang on.
It's coming.
Listen, I'm sure Cole didn't mean that.
He doesn't...
Shh. Please just let me do this.
(sighs, whimpering)
(inhales)
f*ck it. It's not happening.
(elevator dings)
Okay, maybe we could just try this again later.
I look forward to that.
All right. I gotta go.
I have an appointment.
Bye!
(sighs)
Hello, Ellen.
Hi, Dr. Holt.
How was your week?
Really not good.
Thank God you showed up. I've been dying to get out of the house.
Well, that's how you got out of there last time, huh?
Right.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, if anyone deserves a thick, juicy steak, it's you.
Yeah, I can't have a steak.
I just had a massive heart att*ck, but I'm thrilled with the salad bar.
Just saying it's 4.95 to add a steak.
Yeah, I can't have a steak. I just had a massive heart att*ck.
You know what?
Not the best cut of meat I've ever had for under five dollars, but not the worst either.
Thank you. Thanks.
You're welcome.
So, Nick, your children are old and estranged from you now.
And maybe you don't see the necessity...
Is... is this about your FunZone?
FunSpace, yeah.
You already pitched this to me.
I started to pitch it to you and Diane cut me off.
But I could see that you were interested.
And the space is not gonna be available very much longer, so I was wondering maybe you're ready to pull the trigger.
You know, manner of speaking.
You took me to dinner to ask me for money?
To make you money, my man.
Make you money. All right, here we go.
All right.
Put the buds in.
You ready? Okay.
(muffled music playing)
Is it playing?
What?
Is it playing?
Yeah.
Is this "Hang on Loosely"?
It's "Hold on Loosely."
It's by... it doesn't matter.
Is it... oh. Here we go.
Hey, Nick, oil prices may rise and fall.
The real estate market may go in the shitter.
No matter how bad the economy gets, Nick, children always wanna jump on trampolines.
I can't hear what you're saying and listen to the music.
Oh, maybe just take the buds out and hold them next to your ears.
Robert.
(laptop closes)
The smartest thing a man can do is understand his limitations.
Like, look at the way you went at that salad bar.
You couldn't possibly have eaten all of that.
That's because I'm hungry, Nick, which is good in business.
You've made one great investment in your life.
Made hundreds of great investments for my clients when I was on Wall Street.
Jesus Christ, I'm talking about Frances.
You need to focus on her, not on this, because she is the important sh*t.
(sighs) Nick, is everything okay at home?
Is Diane threatening to k*ll you again?
Everything is great at home.
The incident, as awful as it was, actually saved my marriage.
Your marriage could be savable, too.
Savable? She f*cked a French guy 69 times.
Look.
As lousy as the marriage is, the divorce is gonna be much, much worse.
You are gonna get cock-f*cked on this, Robert.
I am worried about you.
She's hired a really good lawyer.
Who has?
Margaret Thatcher.
Who the f*ck are we talking about? Your wife, Frances.
Frances? She hired a lawyer? When?
I don't know when, but she hired Max Brodkin and he's really good.
He's really, really good.
Who's your guy?
Gerald Watkins Mayfield.
Yeah, see, I... I don't know them.
He's a local guy.
Does mostly wills and trusts, you know, that sort of thing.
But it's all law, right?
It's all law?
Y-yeah.
It's all law?!
(music playing)
It's actually quite cathartic to list all the shitty things you've ever done.
Mm, I'd need several notebooks to list everything bad I've done to my poor baby, Nick.
Wow.
You tell Max Brodkin about Allen's funeral?
What did I do at Allen's funeral?
You took some of the flowers.
You said you didn't know what to do with all the flowers.
I meant, "Help me bring them home," not, "Put my dead husband's flowers on your f*cking coffee table."
Uh... (scoffs)
Diane: Yeah, that was weird.
You've also been somewhat unkind about Nick.
Did I sh**t him?
You're doing it again.
Yes, yes.
Yes, thank you.
No, thank you. I can't.
I'm not having... I'm not... I'm not drinking any alcohol.
Of course I would like to, but I'm not going to, but thank you.
What is that, champagne? Looks good. No, thank you.
So, are you... are you not drinking?
No, I haven't had a drop since the night of Nick's accident.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
You're Diane, Nick Clavowen's wife, right?
Yes.
I'm Mickey Burgess. This is my show.
Oh!
Mickey: So glad you're here.
You and your husband bought Kelly Vang's "Tashkent Exteriors" last year, didn't you?
Hmm, was that a painting or a sculpture?
It was a series of 40 paintings.
Oh, yes!
Um, well, honestly, I think only one of them made it into the house.
(chuckles)
I would like you to meet my friend Frances of the Frances DuFresne Gallery in Hastings.
Hello. Hi.
Carson Hodges.
Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I... I actually know your work.
Actually?
No, I mean I'm a... I'm a massive fan.
Hmm.
I loved your "Gross National Product" series.
I never thought I would have this opportunity, but did I... is it possible I detected a little bit of commentary on Koons's calculated commercialism going on there?
A little bit of what on what?
He knows.
Koons's hollow populism is a fraudulent vulgarity.
Oh, okay. Well, we'll agree to disagree.
But congratulations nonetheless.
Diane, why don't we let them have their discussion about themes and... and all that, okay?
Did you see...
You know, when I, uh, started the "GNP,"
I thought I was doing a vicious parody of Koons, but when I finished it, I realized, "sh*t, all I did was replicate him."
I'm sorry it wasn't more well-received.
But, you know, give them a few years, they'll catch up.
Thanks. I look forward to being mildly appreciated after my death.
Who doesn't?
f*ck it.
Let's get a drink.
Talk about all the other fraudulent vulgarities out there.
You've got a list?
Who doesn't?
We completely lost the element of surprise, Gerry, because you f*cking called the house.
Yes, I... I agree. That was my bad.
But can we keep it down a little bit out here because my wife is...
Yeah, I know. Your wife's asleep.
That's why we're in the car, dipshit.
She made these for us, so... they're for everyone.
sh*t, now Frances will start looking for a lawyer.
She already has one. Max Brod-something.
Max Brodkin?!
Yeah, you know him?
I wish. I mean, I know of him.
He's a legend.
So, am I f*cked?
No! The question is am I up to it?
No, because you're not a divorce lawyer.
Why are you down on him?
You told me to hire him!
I didn't know he was gonna call the house.
Guys, it's fine. It's all law.
It's not all law, Gerry.
Robert, listen.
This is an amazing opportunity for me.
I could learn a lot from that guy.
I would lower my rate just to be in court with him.
That's something to consider.
What are you guys, the dipshit twins?!
This isn't a teaching hospital. This is my life, man.
I need a real g*dd*mn lawyer.
Can you afford one?
No, I can't, dumbass, because I have a shitty accountant.
You know what? Nick's right.
I gotta step my game up into high gear starting right now.
Gerry, you are officially fired.
Don, I'm gonna keep you on.
Bullshit! You're f*cking fired, too!
(scoffs)
Gerry, get out of the car.
And, Don, you drive me back to mine.
Move it, Gerry.
(engine starts)
Thank you.
So, tell me about the Frances DuFresne Gallery.
First of all, it's not even open yet.
Why Hastings?
Because I live there.
Ah.
And because every time I walk past an "art gallery" in Hastings, I, um... I wanna k*ll myself.
It's all batiks and carved giraffes and pottery.
Glorified gift shop.
Exactly!
And I think just because you don't live in Manhattan or, you know, Paris or London doesn't mean that you don't deserve to look at something beautiful and provocative and challenging.
Does a clientele exist?
Uh, I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Well, if things are a little slow the first few months, don't panic and add, you know, a f*cking coffee bar or something.
No way. I'd sooner burn it to the ground.
Well done, Carson.
Once again, you've snatched the strongbox out from under me.
I'm in the middle of a conversation here, Gustav.
Unfortunately, dear Carson, I've been circulating the room.
Word is she doesn't have the money that her friend Diane of "Diane and Nick" have.
You're a drunk.
I'm a drunk who had pieces in the Whitney.
You had one piece in the Whitney because Al Emery heard you had bladder cancer.
How many pieces have you had in there since you went into remission?
That's incredibly unkind.
But accurate.
Perhaps I have had too much to drink.
Do help me out.
Oh!
You desperate pig! I'll k*ll you!
Hey! I'm... I'm okay!
(people gasping)
(glass shatters)
Guys!
Please, guys. Guys... oh, my God!
(grunting)
Is somebody gonna...?
Dupa! Dupa!
Let's go.
(Carson grunts) Ow!
Robert: Thanks for meeting me this late.
Man: No problem.
The real reason I didn't go through with mediation is because I was too embarrassed.
It's a real low point in my career.
Horribly in debt.
I'm living in a working job site.
This is a terrible time to go through a divorce.
Are you kidding me? This is the perfect time.
Look, that lying, cheating, cock-sucking c**t of a soon-to-be-ex, she could pay you alimony.
You know, maybe in terms of language you could maybe notch it down a bit.
Mother of my children.
Look, the door's right there, you know, if you're gonna puss out before we've even begun.
No?
I didn't think so.
Let's get this party started.
That was fun. I'm glad we did that.
It was awful.
That guy only wanted to talk to me because he thought I had money.
So what?
The only guy that wanted to talk to me thought I was the manager of the venue and that I could get him a good deal on his daughter's wedding.
How did that happen?
I don't know.
But I just went with it. We're having lunch on Thursday.
Those artist types are so exotic.
AKA assholes.
Not all assholes.
Right.
Just the ones at that party.
(phone chiming)
Oh, um, sir, it's just... it's the last house on the right there.
Hello?
Hello, Frances.
Who's this?
This is Robert's new lawyer.
I wanted to call and introduce myself.
(whispering) Robert got a new lawyer.
Put him on speaker phone.
Shh.
I'm Tony Silvercreek.
(gasps)
Oh, yeah. No, it's bad.
Look, I'm gonna wanna take a deposition from you soon, but not tomorrow. I know you're probably gonna want to sleep in after yet another late night out with your friends, involving alcohol.
Sleep tight, sugar.
(exhales) He sounds like a dirty birdy.
How did... how does he know what I'm doing?
And why is he calling at 11:30 at night?
That's what he does.
Tony Silvercreek is one of the most ruthless, disgusting, go-for-blood lawyers in divorce.
Well, why aren't I with him, then?
Because he hates women.
He won't even represent a woman.
Oh, well, that... that is terrific.
Okay.
Wait, Frances. I'm about to save the night for you.
I don't think that's possible.
I'm gonna take the dog back.
What?
Nick misses the dog.
Nick misses the dog?
Bless him.
No! My kids love that dog.
And with everything they're going through, you wanna take that away from them, too?
Get Nick a new dog. Come on!
He couldn't pick that dog out in a lineup.
Just let me keep the f*cking dog.
(music playing)
♪ I believe if I was all alone ♪
♪ I would be better off in a world my own ♪
♪ I'd forget I ever knew of you ♪
♪ And this dream every night that you put me through... ♪
(grunts)
♪ We walk along a Hollywood sea ♪
♪ And you dance once again with me ♪
♪ We are close ♪
♪ We are friends ♪
♪ And our love never ends ♪
♪ But in the cold morning light ♪
♪ I see ♪
♪ That you won't be back ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ There can be no peace ♪
♪ I'm condemned, it seems ♪
♪ To a life of restlessness and hopeless dreams ♪
♪ Hopeless dreams, hopeless dreams ♪
♪ We are close ♪
♪ We are friends ♪
♪ And our love never ends ♪
♪ But in the cold morning light ♪
♪ I see ♪
♪ That you won't be back ♪
♪ For me. ♪