05x11 - The Guardian

[bunniefuu]

♪ All done.

Perfect!

Now I'm ready for "Crazy Hair Day" at school.

What about you, Franklin?

No one messes with my hair, man.

I was just doing the -year update on our will, and I discovered my parents are still the kids' guardians if anything happens to us.

Why did we ever choose them?

Well, that's when we thought they were good people, before we discovered that my dad had a secret family for the last years.

[Laughs]

Oh, man, that was hilarious!

Best Turkey Day ever.

Obviously deeply painful for you.

Taylor doesn't need a guardian anymore.

Oliver's almost , but we still need one for Anna-Kat.

So I was thinking that we each make a list...

Unh-unh.

Leave me out of this.

That is your area.

What are you talking about?

Wills and legal guardians are your area.

Also, paperwork, telling the kids when a pet dies, and doom and gloom.

The world's an unpredictable place.

That's why people have insurance.

And cases of baked beans in the garage.

You laugh, but when society collapses, baked beans will be the currency.

That's why this is your area.

You wake up in the middle of the night worried about dying in a plane crash.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I turn on the TV and watch "Indian Matchmaking." Feels like I have all the terrible areas.

What are yours?

♪ Hey, all you real mothers.

Today I am showing my husband all the sucky things that fall under my area as a mother.

First up, "Refrigerator Smell Police." [Sniffs]

Ohh!

Still got another week in it.

Plus, extra probiotics.

♪ I don't know about you mommies, but I have got a whole system for batteries.

When the TV remote loses its oomph, I put fresh batteries in and shuffle the weak batteries down the line.

It goes kids' toys, then junk-drawer flashlight, then smoke detectors.

So our smoke detectors aren't working?

Relax, it's a rental.

But your family isn't a rental.

Oh, if only, right?

♪ - [Gasps]

- Ha.

You missed.

This time I won't.

What the hell?

Now I have to change!

Good idea.

Start with your face.

Stop it, both of you!

This is my least favorite area...

refereeing these two.

He started it!

What have you ever started, besides the slow death of my brain cells when you talk?

Hey, instead of always turning on each other, you are going to support each other.

As a matter of fact, you are going to learn what it means to support family by hanging your father's campaign signs around town.

Aw, honey, thank you...

Because he's running for City Council for some dumbass reason.

A little premature with my gratitude.

That's on me.

How much trouble will we get in if, like, say, you found these in a trash can two blocks away?

Hypothetically speaking.

Oh, great job, genius.

Now we can't do that.

They don't know that.

I said "hypothetically." I can't believe you, Taylor.

Geez, Mom, fine.

We won't put them in the trash cans.

No, not that.

You actually used the word "hypothetically" correctly.

♪ Hey, big guy!

Looks like you're really chewing on something.

Franklin, [sighs]

shouldn't you be with Anna-Kat?

I needed a little break from the old ball and chain.

You know how it is.

Plus, she's playing cards with her grandma.

As Peter Frampton once said to me on a transatlantic flight, let's see 'em.

Oh, so you have nothing.

I have a flush.

I win.

Well, you told me to go all-in!

That was my whole allowance.

You still have Christmas money, don't you?

Let's play again.

So, what's going on?

I'm just trying to figure out if something were to happen to Katie and me, who would take care of...

- Luthor.

- [Whines]

[Sighs]

Life, death, animal companions.

You're dealing with all the big ones.

Katie and I have always said we want... Luthor to go to someone in the family, but there aren't a lot of great candidates.

What about Kathryn?

Would you like a little treat?

Mm-mm-mmm.

Yeah, just to take the edge off.

There you go.

Good boy.

I guess it is just until college.

Luthor's going to college?

Oh, he's not gonna be a student or anything.

He's just auditing some classes.

Oh, that makes more sense.

♪ God, I love Second Breakfast.

I know.

You know what's a good follow-up to waffles?

Waffles!

It's not just about eating.

It's about having people to talk to who aren't named Greg.

Or Matt.

Or Siri.

[Chuckles]

I am all alone.

But not for long, thanks to you swiping my potential egg donors' names from the fertility clinic.

Now I have to find out how to meet them in person so I can make my decision.

You need to stalk their social media.

That's where you'll find your answers.

That feels like an invasion of their privacy.

Something else feels like an invasion of privacy.

What is it?

Oh, yeah, you.

Oh, you're gonna end up loving me.

That's how it always is.

Now, exactly who has ended up loving you?

No one yet.

Yet!

All right, send me their names.

I'll get right on it.

- How long is that gonna take?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Cellphone chimes]

- All right, here's what I got.

According to LinkedIn, uh, this one, whose belly I would use as a charcuterie board...

- [Groans]

- ...is looking for a job.

- [Cellphone chirps]

- But this one, who, oh, just accepted my friend request...

[chuckling]

p-poor thing.

Ah, she works at a coffee shop over in Fairfield.

- Boom.

- Wow.

You are amazing.

Also a bit terrifying.

Aw, you sound like all my exes.

Let's go check her out now.

Wait, you mean we're going from Second Breakfast to third breakfast?

This is the best day ever.

- [Chuckles]

- Yeah, hi, hi.

I have been here almost five minutes, and you have not brought me a menu.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

I didn't order the attitude.

♪ She's pretty, friendly, and she seemed to give the exact change.

But I don't really feel like I have a sense of her.

Is she smart?

Is she athletic?

What's her teeth-to-gum ratio?

I don't want no big-gum baby.

I'll go check her out.

You hang back.

If somehow the fertility place finds out what you're doing, they will definitely drop you as a client.

Oh, you're the best.

I'm naming this baby after you.

Oh, my God.

Really?

Actually, let me think about it.

Maybe just something with a "K." Mm.

- Don't hold me to that.

- Mm.

Hi.

I need three lattes...

one hot, one iced, and one just warm.

sh*t of vanilla in the hot one, almond milk in the iced one, and then the warm one is half-caf.

One hot vanilla latte, one iced almond milk latte, and a half-caf latte, warm.

- Is that right?

- Uh, maybe.

Quite the memory!

Very smart.

- Okay if I pay with coins?

- Mm-hmm.

Good hand-eye.

Athletic.

And you're very pretty.

Aw.

You can thank my grandmother for that.

Oh, you got her genes.

No, I got her money.

When she d*ed, I used it to spruce myself up.

I did my lips, nose, boobs, butt, tummy.

Even got my webbed feet taken care of.

It must be nice to finally wear flip-flops.

Totally.

And I know Grandma will look down on me and smile when I achieve my dream of getting on "The Bachelor." Sorry, you just failed a test you didn't even know you were taking.

But I'll watch for you on "The Bachelor," then "Bachelor in Paradise," then "Big Brother," then "Road Rules," then "Celebrity Rehab." Thanks.

♪ STEPHANIE: Welcome.

Can I help you?

Our dad is running for City Council.

Would it be all right if we put his campaign sign - up in your store?

- Sure, anywhere you want.

Hand me some tape.

Throw a "please" on there, and I might.

Please hand me some tape.

- No.

- Give me that.

No, don't tell me what to do!

[Gasps]

You two are terrible.

I'm not interested in putting that sign up in my store or voting for a man who raised such awful children.

Can't argue with that.

♪ There you are!

[Groans]

Damn it, Greg.

I have told you about sneaking up on me.

This is why we decided I shouldn't have a g*n.

Sorry.

I'm just kind of stuck on the guardian search.

That is your area.

I've gathered that, but this is a big deal.

- Maybe together...

- I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, but I've gone through everyone, and the way I see it...

You don't seem to be getting it, so let me make this clear.

Come on.

I could use your input.

Not my area!

You're acting like a child.

La!

La!

La!

La-la!

La!

La!

La!

[Sighs]

Greg, I can't be interrupted.

I really want to finish this chapter.

That's your book safe where you keep your Krackel bars.

Mm.

We need to talk about this.

- I can't.

- Why?

Because thinking about who Anna-Kat will go to means thinking about my baby being raised by someone else, about her growing up without a mom and dad.

It's too painful.

It upsets me, too, but that doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it.

You ignored that $ parking ticket.

- Now it's like $ .

- Oh, damn.

I really should pay that.

Eh, I'll do it later.

The way I see it, our only option is Kathryn.

[Panting]

Luthor's pretty smart.

Sit!

Still better than my mom.

I'm not thrilled about her either.

Before I even think of signing off, we're going to test her.

That's a great idea.

Who knows?

She might surprise us.

Oh, she's good at that.

In high school, I walked in on her making out with my boyfriend.

I was very surprised.

♪ ♪ Okay, to care for a child, you need the three N's.

You have to be able to nourish, nurture, and nicely protect.

I fudged the last one to make them all N's.

I'm getting kind of hungry.

First up... nourish.

Well, why doesn't Grandma make you some lunch?

Wouldn't that be fun?

Oh, sure.

I'll make you my favorite low-calorie lunch.

Uh...

Diet Coke, celery, and a thimble-full of cottage cheese.

Mmm!

That doesn't sound very good.

Wrong.

Celery is the perfect food.

You burn more calories chewing it than you get from it.

Then for dessert [inhales deeply]

a nice, deep breath.

Or a cigarette when you get older.

It's your body.

♪ [Sighs]

Sorry I'm late.

If you watch one "Ice Road Truckers," you watch four.

How's it going?

My potential donor just got here for her fake interview for Tami's tape company.

If this donor has any skeletons in her closet, Tami will find them.

She figured out a guy in our old neighborhood - was a serial k*ller.

- Oh.

Turned out he was just a lonely man who worked nights, but the cops came and everything.

So, what would you say would be your greatest weakness?

Would you be on to me if I said I love tape too much?

[Both laugh]

I would, but I'd still fall for it.

Yeah.

[Laughs]

Wow.

Your résumé is really impressive.

Just a few final questions.

Does your family have any hereditary baldness, mental illness, or drug addiction?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Uh, the interview's for a receptionist.

Are these appropriate questions?

You're right.

I'm so sorry if I was unprofessional.

You want to go to the bathroom and smoke a doobie?

I'm sorry, but I don't want this job.

Thank you for your time.

Well, she cut that kind of short.

Did you really think she was gonna go to the bathroom - with you and do dr*gs?

- You have dr*gs?

Well, maybe she thought I was an undercover cop.

I get that a lot.

Oh, she left her keys.

I'm gonna try to catch her.

I, uh...

I was joking, officer.

No dr*gs for me.

I'm a good boy.

Unless you're not a cop and you do have dr*gs.

Then I am a very, very... bad boy.

♪ So your mom tells me someone at school's been bad-mouthing you.

Yeah.

Chardonnay Linstrum.

Here's what you do.

You've gotta hit Chardonnay where it hurts.

Steal her boyfriend right in front of her nose, then turn to her and say, "I don't want him.

I just don't want you to have him." She doesn't have a boyfriend.

Oh, well, then just cut the brakes on her bicycle.

Anna-Kat, maybe you should get started on your homework.

- See ya, Grandma.

- All right, sweetie.

Don't do any of that.

The good thing about the name Chardonnay is she won't have to change it when she becomes a stripper.

[Chuckles, snorts]

So, she can't nourish or nurture.

Let's not give up yet.

We still have the last "N"... nicely protect.

Nicely protect?

That's so lame.

You came up with it.

Oh, yeah.

I like it.

♪ Mom's gonna k*ll us if we don't hang these signs up.

Let's get this done so I don't have to spend all day with you.

- Dummy says what?

- Hmm?

- What?

- It's just too easy.

♪ Lindsey?

Oliver, hi.

I did not recognize you at first.

You changed your hair.

- I like it.

- Thanks.

W-When did you get back into town?

I thought you said you wouldn't be home from college until summer.

Actually, um, I've been here for a few days.

Oh.

You should've texted me, hit me up with the beep-boop-beep-boop.

Sorry.

I was going to, but, um...

No problem.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I cannot promise as much fun as when we went to prom, but I'll do my best.

Tomorrow is really booked.

How about the day after?

I'm sorry, Oliver, I'm only back in town for a little while and I've got a lot of people to see.

[Chuckling]

Okay, yeah.

That's okay.

I'm super busy, too.

I've got school stuff, before-school stuff, after-school stuff.

It's quite a bit of school...

and stuff.

Well, it was good seeing you.

Hi, Taylor.

[Exhales deeply]

Dude, that was rough.

Thanks.

Didn't notice.

I'm sorry.

I know you really liked her.

We've been talking since she went away to college.

Not anything serious, but I thought she at least kind of liked me.

I feel so stupid.

You're not stupid.

She is if she doesn't realize how awesome you are.

It's okay.

You don't have to say that.

I mean it.

She's totally missing out.

And if it helps, I know how you feel.

I finally got the nerve to go for coffee with Andre, the TA I've been flirting with all semester, and I run into Trip.

And he's there with some girl from work.

Yeah, what's going on with that?

[Exhales]

No idea.

We haven't talked about it.

It's super weird.

Look, I know you would never purposely hurt Trip.

So whatever you decide, I've got your back.

Huh.

We actually had a nice interaction.

Yeah, look at that.

Lindsey's hair looked stupid.

And I'm sure the girl Trip was with had stupid hair, too.

[Chuckles]

I would give you a supportive hug right now, but that'd be so lame.

Yeah, really not cool.

We could, and then make fun of each other afterward?

I'm in.

- Loser.

- Dork.

[Chuckles]

That's better.

♪ You know what?

Feels like we're putting too much pressure on these Kathryn tests.

Yeah.

All she really has to do is keep Anna-Kat safe.

That's right.

They're at the park right now, and I don't hear any sirens, so I think we're good.

Hey.

- Where's Anna-Kat?

- Well, at the park.

You told me to take her there.

And you just left her?

You're supposed to stay!

Well, you never said anything about staying.

[Scoffs]

Well, I would never have agreed to take her - if I'd known that.

- Oh, my God.

So you think it's okay to just leave a little girl alone at the park?!

The way that your voice is getting all high-pitched tells me you don't think it is.

Hmm.

Wonder where he's off to in such a hurry.

♪ I can't believe she left Anna-Kat at the park.

I got her.

She's safe.

There was a minor freak-out on the car ride home, but...

she calmed me down.

Ugh.

I told you that my mom was a bad idea.

We just have to make sure that neither one of us ever dies.

So start chewing your cereal a little quieter.

That's the biggest thr*at to your life that I see.

Amazing.

Oh, you have to do my hair like this every day.

Okay.

I love you, Grandma.

Oh, I love you, too, kiddo.

Huh.

We forgot the most important "N." - Love.

- Well, look at that.

Maybe my mom is the perfect choice.

Ah, I always wanted a little girl.

Well, maybe not perfect, but fine.

♪ Can we talk to you for a second, Mom?

Okay, so I-I took $ out of your wallet.

I was gonna put it back.

Not that.

Greg and I have been thinking about it, and we have decided that if anything were to happen to us, you would be the best person to be Anna-Kat's guardian.

[Gasps]

Are you out of your minds?

There is no [bleep]

way I'm taking Anna-Kat.

God, I thought I was a bad parent.

You two are even worse, trying to pawn her off on me.

But she loves you, Mom.

That is the most important thing.

- Look, and I love her, too.

- [Door opens]

But I am done raising kids.

Now, I will go and visit her in the, uh...

oh, what is that place where they put kids who don't have any parents?

The orphanage?

Yes, the orphanage.

[Sighs]

Okay, guess we're back to making sure that we don't die.

Relax.

You guys can totally die whenever you want.

I'm .

If anything happens, I'll take care of Anna-Kat.

And I'll be there to help.

Really?

You guys would do that?

Of course.

Siblings take care of each other.

And if you two croak soon, I think we have a chance of really turning the kid around.

Of course.

The kids!

Yes.

Nobody can take better care of this family than this family.

It was right in front of us the whole time!

I'm so proud of you guys.

Now that I know that Anna-Kat is going to be in the best of hands, I can go back...

- [Door opens]

- ...to looking forward to death.

Okay, I took Luthor for a walk.

Where is he?

What, I have to stay with the dog, too?

Oh.

♪ How about Taylor and Oliver getting along?

I just wanted them out of the house because they were annoying me, but it actually worked.

I'm the best mother of all time.

I don't get any credit at all?

Nope, credit's my area.

Your area is pretending like you're not checking out the moms in the Pixar movies.

Yeah, I notice.

[Water running]

I want some new areas.

I don't know.

Your areas are pretty sexy...

keeping us all safe, making sure there's food on the table, being the man of the house.

Can we say "person of the house"?

- Less sexy.

- Right.

Continue.

You being so good at your areas makes me want to give you access to my areas.

Yeah?

Yeah.

ANNA-KAT: Luthor just dropped a dead rat on my pillow!

That's your area.

Go get it, person of the house.

♪ I have chosen Jillian as my egg donor.

Based on what?

Not getting high with Tami?

Well, she is Korean, which will make my parents happy, and on top of that, I really like her.

When I brought her keys, we had a quick chat.

I thought we agreed that it was dangerous for you - to interact with her.

- Oh, it was only for a second.

Turns out she went to Yale on a tennis scholarship, so my kid will be smart and athletic.

Plus, she's a great singer.

You got all that from handing her her keys?

No!

We met up at a piano bar later.

After our third martini, we sang every song from "Annie." The crowd went crazy.

Not in a good way.

So you went on a date?

No!

I just wanted one-on-one time so I could find out more about her.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Did you tell her you were gay?

- No, it didn't come up.

- Did you pay for her drinks?

- Of course I did.

- You were on a date.

No, I wasn't.

We were just having fun.

I walked her to her car, kissed her on the cheek, and we're going out to dinner on Friday night.

Oh, my God.

I'm dating my future child's egg donor!

Oh!

Nice, bro.

Killin' it.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, that's her.

- Hey, babe.

- Ah.

Oh, my God.

I can't stop.