01x08 - Mars or Bust

[bunniefuu]

Ozzie: I'm calling to follow up on a story about Glint Enterprises.

It's Ozzie.

He's connecting the dots.

Oh, damn it.

This thing between you and me has to end.

You've made your choice, traitor.

Gerry: I really, really like you, and I think about you a lot.

Ozzie: You're the first person that I've told about this, outside the group.

Who did this to you?

Empathy. I will find you.

Thanks so much for doing this.

Sure. Always happy to talk to journalism students.

Well, it'll be an interview followed by a quick Q&A.

All right.

I'll see you out there.

Okay.

Ozzie?

I'm Marissa Klein.

I run the Metro desk for the New York Times.

Yes, I'm familiar. I'm a fan of your work.

Your piece on prison reform was amazing.

Well, if you have time after this, I would love to talk to you about an opening.

Yes, I... I would love that.

Our distinguished guest today is Ozzie Graham.

[Upbeat music plays]

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Welcome.

He's the man behind the scathing article about Glint Enterprises and CEO Jonathan Walsh.

It'll be tight, but I think if I learn to budget, this should last me for months.

Okay, Nancy, we're gonna need more duffel bags.

How much cash were you able to get from my accounts?

None. They've frozen everything.

Even my Cayman Islands holdings?

Yes.

Bermuda?

Yes.

What about my Bitcoin?

[Whirring]

Nancy?

Nancy?

Fantastic. Perfect time for a system update.

[Whirring]

Aah! Nancy, what are you doing?

Whoa!

[Dramatic music plays]

Oh!

Who's a little Grey bastard now?

Jeff?

Hey, Jonny boy.

Hear you're a traitor.

Jeff...

Hope you don't mind...

Jeff... but I performed a manual override on your...

... Assistant.

I'm repossessing her on behalf of the mission.

Oh, come on!

The MainStation will be here shortly.

The invasion can then begin in earnest.

Jeff...

What do you think they'll make of the problems you've created?

Jeff... Jeff...

28409 still runs free.

Jeff...

Kurt d*ed... trying to clean up your mess!

Kurt d*ed because he didn't understand crosswalks.

[Choking]

And now I have to fix everything.

Starting by infiltrating StarCrossed.

Jeff, if you k*ll me, everything will be exposed.

[Choking]

[Panting]

You disgust me.

Oh.

Did you want your duffel bag of money?

Come on, just let me have it. Don't be a d*ck.

You wanted to live among the humans, traitor.

I wonder how you'll fare as a broke human.

[Ripping]

Aah!

[Spooky music plays]

Oops.

You ripped my suit!

♪ ♪

Try living among your human friends now.

So, Jonathan Walsh was your boss, and you exposed his involvement in a massive cover-up.

Was it hard for you to watch Walsh take the fall for that?

[Sighs]

You know, I didn't... I didn't feel great about it.

But, you know, that's part of the job.

It's following the truth no matter where it takes you.

That's the responsibility and the burden of being a journalist.

Next question, please.

Hi, Mr. Graham.

My name's Jenny Kim.

I'm a second-year journalism student and also a really big fan of your work.

Thank you.

How has your belief in aliens affected your career as a journalist?

Excuse me?

Is this a joke question?

Jenny: I actually tried to interview you after your alien abduction support group article was published in Glint.

They said that you quit and moved to Beacon.

That's... that's true, yeah.

Is there a question here?

Well, StarCrossed is in Beacon, so I just assumed...

[Chuckles]

Well... Jenny, is it?

You know, as a journalism student, you should know that correlation does not prove causation.

I know, but then I drove by the church, and I saw you leaving with the group.

[Audience murmuring]

Twice.

So do you believe in aliens?

No.

[Sighs]

Yes. I believe in aliens.

[Audience murmuring]

Do you think you've been abducted by aliens?

The jury's still out on that one.

That's... not a "No."

No, it's not.

[Audience murmuring]

We prefer the term "experiencers."

Uh-oh! There he is!

My man! Hey, hey!

[Cheers and applause]

That's... really not necessary.

It's not necessary? What are you talking about?

"We prefer the term 'experiencers'"?

Mic drop.

Yes. Boom.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's a big deal!

Can you imagine what that did to your career as a respectable journalist? [Laughs]

I have some idea.

You can kiss that goodbye.

That was a big sacrifice you made. [Laughs]

Thank you.

Now, as your sponsor...

I-I feel like I need to take credit for at least 20, 30, 40% of this, 'cause it's... Ooh.

Can I talk to you for a moment, in the knitting corner?

We were told to never go over there.

Stay away from the yarn trees.

All right.

Doug: You're not going near the knitting corner, are you?

No. No.

No.

We were... yeah.

Yeah.

Just...

Good night.

Take care.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hey. How's it going, Ger?

On a scale of 1 to 10?

O-okay.

About a 2.

Oh.

Recently had a lifelong dream die, and I'm thinking about selling insurance for my dad.

I'm sorry to hear that.

But...

I have attracted the attention of a good woman.

Oh.

Which puts me back up at a solid 5, 5 1/2.

So, all in all, I guess I'm average.

Okay. There you go.

[Eerie music plays]

♪ ♪

What the...

♪ ♪

So, I'm guessing that congratulations are in order.

Congratulations.

Are you upset with me?

Mm, no, no, no.

I'm not upset, I-I guess it's more like, um... crushing disappointment.

That's what I would call it, yeah.

Do... do you know why, or...

The... the podcast?

Look, I had no choice. She ambushed me.

Maybe you should explore why it takes being ambushed for you to finally open up, when you had the chance to do it here on "Coming Out Day" with the group, but no, you chose to blow that off.

I told you, I was sick.

[Chuckling] Oh, bullshit!

You blew it off. Food poisoning, my ass.

Just talk, Ozzie, okay?

We're here to listen.

Okay. Totally.

I promise.

Hey, pretty lady.

Hey, Gerry.

How's, uh... how's things?

Yeah, pretty good, thanks.

Uh, everything okay, Gerry?

Do you understand women?

Yes. Yeah, I think like a woman.

So I could probably help you with...

[Footsteps approach]

Whoa. Who is that?

Excuse me. I'm looking for StarCrossed.

You found us.

Nancy?

Welcome to StarCrossed.

[Crickets chirping]

Hello?

[Eerie music plays]

Whoever it is that's back there, you shouldn't be there!

Oh, my God!

So, tell us about yourself.

Oh, I'd like to know...

... About all of you.

Well, we'll get to that, of course.

I... I love your enthusiasm.

But new members usually start by introducing themselves.

Okay.

Um, you might want to start with "My name is..."

Oh, my name is Nancy.

Hi, Nancy.

Nancy, welcome aboard.

I'm Richard. I'm Richard.

[Clears throat] Nancy, have you ever been in a group therapy before?

No.

That's okay.

May I ask why not?

Because I'm not weak.

[Laughing]

So you associate vulnerability with weakness?

Exactly. Yes.

Well, Nancy, this is a safe place.

You can talk about anything that you want here.

Your workplace...

You can talk about relationships...

I, for example, uh, just got out of a serious relationship.

With a woman. So...

Nancy, I had no idea... that you knew anything about this stuff.

Nancy: I didn't, until your interview today.

Ozzie's my coworker.

All: Oh.

Richard: Never mentioned you to me.

Gina: Wow.

It is amazing what we learn about one another [Chuckling] when we share with one another.

And with that in mind, Ozzie, I'm gonna ask you to begin tonight.

Oh... sure. Yeah. Uh, sharing. Sharing.

You had a pretty big day. Why don't we start there?

Uh, ooh...

Gerry, come on.

You got my note!

Yeah, I did, Gerry.

Must be busy.

Every time I call you, I get your voicemail.

Yeah, um, so here's the thing, Gerry, listen...

Why do you keep using my name, Yvonne?

So formal.

Okay, sweetie, listen to me.

I really like you.

I like you, too! I like you so much.

So, so much.

Okay.

Let's... let's try something.

On the count of three, we're gonna say what it is that we want to do, okay?

One... two... three.

Let's keep sleeping together on the DL.

Let's move in together.

Gerry, did you just say, "Let's move in together"?

Uh...

I am not in the headspace for something serious right now.

Especially with a group member.

Oh.

But... but you know what?

This is me. This isn't you.

And... and I... I need some space.

Um, but... but... but let's still be friends.

Yeah.

Right?

Makes sense.

Mm.

Okay, so, I am gonna go in here, and I just need you to wait like two minutes, all right, 'cause I don't want them thinking, you know...

I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Okay! Eh! Boom.

[Sighs]

[Humming]

[Horn honking]

Excuse me, sir?

You need a car to use the drive-thru.

[Horn honking]

At the end of the day, I'm just trying to process how I may have thrown away a really great job opportunity for telling the truth.

That's a really big compromise.

[Cellphone dings]

How'd it make you feel?

[Cellphone dinging]

Ozzie?

Uh...

Ozzie!

I'm sorry, I-I have to go.

Go where?

I-I can't say.

What?

I... I'm sorry.

I know it all sounds made up.

All right. Well, it sounds made up.

But it's-it's not.

I swear.

Sounds like you're lying a lot.

I'm sure I'll be back soon.

Oh, my God... that guy, he struggles with his feelings.

Gerry: [Sobbing]

Gerry, are you okay?

Yeah, just getting some air.

Really? 'Cause it looks like you're crying.

No, high pollen count today.

All right.

I'm actually hurting pretty bad.

[Sighs]

Can you be discreet?

Gerry: Just starting to realize that the world, in general, is just one big lie.

That's... pretty negative.

Yvonne dumped me.

You and Yvonne were dating?

Not anymore.

But you know what?

I think it's a good thing.

You were crying five minutes ago.

Tears of rebirth.

I'm a realist now.

You're in an ebb, all right?

This is gonna pass.

No. No.

One day, a guy's just got to wake up and say, "I'm 40, I'm unemployed, the aliens don't want me, and love is a sham, and that's just baseball."

I don't want to breach your personal space prematurely, but new members do usually like to share their experience with the group.

My experience?

With the aliens.

Oh, the aliens. Right.

Right. Okay.

Richard: Don't hold back. I mean, nothing's out of bounds.

It's all good, so...

Euggh!

[Coughing] Richard! Richard!

Look a little thirsty.

I'm not thirsty. I'm okay.

It was the basic deal... I was transported skyward on a crystalline shaft of light.

Mm.

Oh, yeah. I've been there.

And I was greeted by three aliens.

One of them seemed deeply, profoundly intelligent.

He had big, soulful black eyes.

He was slightly shorter than the others, but obviously much...

... Much, much, much more competent.

It was clear he was the leader.

Mm. Wow.

Okay, it's like Ennis.

Ah.

You tell stories really well.

Do you want to tell us what happened?

Not really.

Should we call the cops?

No. No police.

I believe... that I was abducted by aliens.

Oh, man! Come on!

That abduction was meant for me!

Gerry, calm down. This is about Doug.

And I'm pretty sure he didn't try to intentionally hijack your alien encounter.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Father Doug.

Was it awesome?

It was hazy.

There was a light, a bright light, and then black.

When I woke up, I was wrapped in a membrane.

[Voices muttering gibberish]

And there were voices.

Modulated voice: Renounce your God.

No! Never!

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with me!

And then I screamed.

Let me go, you mother [bleep]

It was awesome.

And there was music.

Wait, you said there was music?

That's not canon.

It was like a driving...

[Imitates dubstep music]

[Dubstep music plays]

♪ ♪

[Imitating dubstep music]

Like... like not of this Earth.

Sounds like dubstep.

This isn't aliens.

It was aliens!

Listen, I have 17 years of research under my belt.

Okay, I don't care how...

That's not aliens.

It was aliens. I can prove it!

10-4. Let's go.

And if aliens exist, what does that mean for world religions?

Was Jesus an alien? Were the Apostles?

All right, Doug, those are some heavy questions.

Maybe let's take it one step at a time.

They told me we were on Mars. Can you believe that?

Mars!

That's insane.

You know how long it takes to get to Mars?

Nine months, minimum.

All right, Gerry. Lay off.

[Scoffs]

He doesn't understand what we've been through.

He's not one of us.

I wish I wasn't one of us.

So, it sounds like you don't feel very supported at work.

I'm not.

My coworkers have no sense of the bigger picture.

Most of the time, I feel totally alone.

Mm. That must be stressful.

It's insanely stressful.

Gina: Do you have someone in your life you can share these feelings with?

Well... my friend Kurt.

Is Kurt your boyfriend?

Or your husband? Or...

He's dead now.

He's what?!

He's dead?!

Oh, God!

You poor thing!

I was woozy, and they... they put something in my mouth.

What do y... what do you mean? Like a... a chip? Or a probe?

What? No, no, no, like a... it felt like a canister.

And it released gas.

Did it make a sound?

Yes, it did.

Did it sound like this?

[Air hissing]

That's it! That's it! That's the sound!

Seems like these "aliens" got you high on whippets.

Whippets? Is that a thing?

Yeah, it's a thing where we need to call the police.

So, any reason the church may have been targeted?

Have you made any enemies?

Enemies?

How could we make enemies?

I... mentioned the group in an interview today.

Is that the, uh, alien group?

Yeah.

Doug: Okay, is there any way... Could we... please keep that out of the official report, Officer?

I'm gonna have to write this up.

I mean, kidnapping is a class B felony, so...

Oh, my God.

Plus, this could be considered a hate crime.

I may have to contact the archdiocese.

[Cellphone dings]

Oh...

Excuse me, I... I have to take this.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

That's a crazy ringtone, huh?

My two cents, Father, uh, maybe have the alien group not... meet... here... anymore.

That was quite an interview you gave today.

Yeah, well, you know, I thought I'd end my career with a bang.

Ozzie. I still want to hire you for this position.

If you're interested.

Yeah.

I-I'm definitely interested.

But I need help selling it upstairs.

How much of your your alien thing are you comfortable walking back?

W-walking back? What do you mean?

It sounds like you and Kurt were very close.

I... I guess so.

I don't know.

Who did this to you?

Well, it sounds like you cared a lot for him.

Nancy, when I lost my husband, who rocked my gypsy soul, you know what I felt?

No.

I felt lost and angry.

Is that how you feel?

Yes.

Yeah, well, you own that anger. You're entitled to it.

You know, I couldn't even begin to heal... until I realized that.

I am angry...

Yes, be angry.

... at humanity.

What? No.

No. Mnh-mnh, sweetie. No.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt, but Father Doug has an important announcement to make.

Doug?

I need you all to leave.

Is there a gas leak?

For the night?

Permanently. He's kicking us out.

[All talking at once]

Ain't that some sh*t.

Well, there you go.

[All talking at once]

Nothing we can do, folks.

No resolution.

[Eerie music plays]

[Indistinct chatter]

What happened happened. Uh...

If I lie about it, I'm no better than Jonathan Walsh.

What if Bob Woodward couldn't break Watergate because he'd also seen the Loch Ness Monster and no one would take him seriously?

That would be a shame.

That would be a shame.

[Stirring music plays]

Where is everybody?

♪ ♪

Father Doug was assaulted and kicked us out.

♪ ♪

Gina, I'm... I'm going back to New York.

I thought about what you said, and you're right.

I haven't been doing the work in here, and... when I try to share something personal, it just results in stuff like this.

Aren't you at least gonna say goodbye to everyone?

I'll send them a message when I get back to the city.

You can't run from this forever, Ozzie.

You were abducted, and until you truly own it, it will haunt you.

Thanks for everything, Gina.

I mean that.

♪ ♪

Uh, Nancy, that was, uh, very courageous... you, in there tonight.

Um, you know... we could go out for some coffee, or, um, a scone or something?

Empathy.

Gina is Empathy.

Does that sound like something you'd like to do?

Tell me about Gina.

Uh, sure.

What do you want to know?

Everything.

Everything.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Dubstep music plays]

Modulated Voice: [Gibberish]

You're an idiot, dude.

Renounce your God.

Nice work, boys.

Good job kidnapping and torturing that priest.

I really appreciate it.

If I need any more kidnapping and torturing, I will text you.

You got it.

Seriously.

Any time, yo.

Keep it up.

[Both laugh]

[Playful music box music plays]

[Children laughing]

♪ ♪

[Dramatic music plays]