01x08 - Adam Steps Up

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Mom made these lunches. Lot of carrots.

I won't eat them, so they trickle down to you.

Sorry about that.

It's okay. I'll just stick them up my nose... everybody laughs.

(chuckles)

Kate. What's up?

Hey, Royce. (chuckles)

What was that, buddy?

Dad, he just said "what's up?"

I know that "what's up" I've used that "what's up" I know where that "what's up?" ends up.

Walk away, Royce.

You just humiliated me in front of everybody.

Yeah. I'm creating a humiliation force field all around you that no boy can break.

You're too young for that stuff.

Oh, my God, you're out of your mind.

Wha...?

What is her problem?

Am I supposed to just let boys talk to her like that?

Well, it's a tough situation.

On one hand, you have to protect your girl.

On the other hand, Royce is really popular.

You did the right thing, Adam.

Last time a guy said "what's up?" to me, my son was conceived.

I don't like it, Marie.

She's growing up so fast.

I don't even know her anymore.

I like them when they're this size.

I want them to stay this size.

A boy flirted with Kate for the first time, and I missed it?

Don't worry, I embarrassed her.

You get to do all the fun stuff.

Hey, this wasn't fun.

Okay? I did not like the way she looked at that boy.

It's the same way she used to look at smiley face pancakes.

"I'm gonna eat you all up!"

Well, maybe that's what happens with women. You know, I mean, we start out loving pancakes and then we love men.

And then once we're married, it goes back to pancakes.

Okay, she is not a woman.

She's a little girl.

Not anymore. I mean, she's changing.

Is that why she's been so grouchy?

I told her we were out of cereal this morning, and she started knocking things over like Godzilla.

Well, she's going through puberty.

She's gonna be moody and bossy (chuckles): and complicated.

So when are you gonna finish puberty?

And this is why we circle back to pancakes.

Look, all I'm saying is that if you want to have a relationship with teenage Kate, you're gonna have to open up.

Talk about feelings.

What?!

You're gonna have to make an effort to connect with her on a deeper, more mature level.

Well...

I'm gonna miss her.

(sighs)

Hey.

Are you, uh... you in the mood to kick it?

Dad, why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird. Okay, look...

I read in one of your teen magazines that you guys like to... "kick it"

You know? And, uh... and have a "gab-sesh"

Dad, I'm not gonna have a gab-sesh with you.

Aw, come on, it'll be fun.

So, this boy at school, Royce, is he, like, a hottie or a nottie?

Oh, my God.

Okay, look, I know you're having all these new feelings, but Royce is a boy.

He's got one feeling, and he gets it about every 11 seconds.

Okay, this conversation is over.

Fine. Send the little one down.

I need a hug.

So, get this.

Andi wants me to talk to Katie about her feelings.

Oh, who wants to talk about feelings?

Hold those in until the end.

You know that noise people make right after they die?

That's all the feelings coming out.

Yeah, I don't think that's what that is.

But talking is Andi's thing with Katie.

If I want to reconnect with her, I got to find my thing with Katie.

Hey, you guys always like to go see monster trucks.

They're back in town.

Oh, she loves monster trucks.

We took this picture there last year.

And she laughed at everything I said.

She had a much better sense of humor back then.

You know what? I'm gonna take her.

Great. Marcy's out of town, so I'll come along to fill any awkward silences.

Okay. I'll grab us three tickets.

Yeah. Wha...?

Wait a minute.

Did you just come up with this idea so I would take you to monster trucks?

Aw, Adam.

Of course I did.

Adam: Okay,

Katie and Don and I are headed to the monster trucks.

Great. And since you guys are gonna be out, I'm gonna take the little ones to the zoo.

Ah. Or... you could put them on their computers and take the afternoon off.

Come on, we both know we do it.

No, I want to. I mean, I feel like ever since I went back to work, you've been getting all the milestones.

I mean, Katie and that boy, Emme learned to tie her shoes...

Teddy figured out escalators.

He's still a little shaky on the dismount, but he'll get there.

Mommy, can I bring my new Purr Baby to the zoo so he can meet the other animals?

Purr Baby: Purr Baby! That's me!

Oh, it talks! Cute!

I hate it.

Teddy, be nice.

Emme's got a new favorite toy.

Milestone.

Hey!

Great to see you, guys.

They're not coming, are they?

No, no, they're going to the zoo.

Ha-ha-ha. Suckers.

Enjoy the smell.

Adam: Katie!

Come on, let's go!

You know, I'd go to the zoo if they gave gorillas big trucks to drive around in, but...

I don't think we're gonna see that in our lifetime.

No. Not here.

Maybe Mexico.

Mm.

Their monkey laws are more liberal.

Yeah.

What's up? Oh, sorry, I know you hate when people say that.

Ha-ha. Inside joke.

I like our vibe here.

Okay, come on, let's go to monster trucks. Come on.

I don't really feel like it.

What do you mean, you don't really feel like it?

I just don't feel like it. I'm tired, okay?

You slept for 15 hours last night.

How tired can you be?

Can I interject?

I think I have a solution that'll make everybody happy.

Get in the car!

Don... will you let me handle this, please?

Yeah. Sure.

Katie... get in the car.

You can't make me go.

Okay, I am really trying here, but you're not trying at all.

I think you feel fine... you just don't want to hang out with me.

Why do you have to make everything about you?

All right, you know what? I don't like your attitude.

Forget monster trucks. Go to your room.

Fine.

Fine.

(door closes in distance)

What was that?

That was a grown man being manhandled by a little girl.

Okay, guys, just ten more minutes till our super fun day at the zoo.

(Purr Baby giggles)

Oh, and, Teddy, I am gonna give you snack money so you can buy a treat all by yourself for the very first time.

Milestone.

Purr Baby: ♪ Dun, dun, dun. ♪

What is with all this traffic?

Let me check the nav.

Automated voice: Recalculating.

Two hours to destination.

(Purr Baby giggling)

Your grandma bought that for you?

She's getting a call.

Yah!

Okay, I am done trying with her.

She is moody and irrational.

If Royce wants to know what's up... that's what's up, Royce!

I found some monster trucks on pay-per-view.

It was 50 bucks.

And I accidentally pushed "order."

And when it said, "Are you sure?"

I accidentally pushed "yes."

(electronic chime)

Oh. It's from Katie.

I guess that's how I communicate with my daughter now.

We have to bounce words off of spaceships.

"Dad, I'm really freaked out 'cause I just got my first..." (gasps)

Oh, boy.

First what?

You know, for women only... her first... lady-palooza.

What?

Oh.

Oh...!

(chuckling): Oh...

I'm out.

Katie! I got your text! Uh, I'll be right up! Don't worry!

I got this!

Okay!

Why am I going to the fridge?

No idea. Well... okay.

(mumbling)

Uh... that.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay.

(groans)

Whoa!

Okay, I'm coming up the stairs right now!

(voice squeaks): Daddy's here!

Katie? Katie?

Hey. Okay.

Hey.

I brought you some stuff.

Here's a ice pack and a Gatorade.

So... that'll do that. And, uh, you know, walk it off, and you'll get 'em next time!

Yeah, uh, do you need anything else?

'Cause I can run to the drugstore.

I did it once for Mom. It was super fun.

No. Mom made me a kit a while ago.

Oh, great. Are there any instructions for me?

'Cause I am flying blind here.

It'd be really great if I could talk to Mom.

I texted her, but she didn't answer.

Yeah, she's supposed to be here for this.

In fact, that was our agreement, okay?

And she broke it. So anything that goes wrong here, that is on her.

Can you please just call her?

Yes. I can do that. That is a thing I can do.

Okay, I'm gonna go downstairs and make a phone call.

And you just, you stay here and keep doing what you're doing, you know?

I'll be back.

Okay? And don't-don't panic.

Okay! I'm calling her right now!

Okay! (panting)

It's ringing!

(phone ringing)

It's ringing!

(phone continues ringing)

What the...?

You got to be kidding me.

Hey, Andi's voicemail. (chuckles)

I'm sorry you missed me, too.

Remember that thing I dreaded most that was gonna happen to Katie?

Well, it's happening, and you are not here.

We had a deal!

You were gonna handle this, and I was gonna talk to Teddy when he started taking really long showers.

And the only instruction you gave me for when this happens to Katie was to call you.

So I'm calling you, and it's not helping at all.

Oh, and, also, we're out of Pepto.

I'm coming back up!

(knocking)

Katie?

I'm coming down the hall.

I'm coming in. I'm at your door.

Hey. All right, okay, I tried to get Mom, but she forgot her phone, which leaves you with me.

Oh.

Sorry.

No, it's just I always pictured Mom being here when this happened.

Yeah, yeah. I always pictured me being on a fishing trip when this happened.

But, uh, I get it. She knows what you're going through. Um, uh...

(groans) Uh... Uh, oh, okay, uh, here's a... here's a story.

S-S... uh...

When I was a kid and I crashed my motorcycle, I only wanted to talk to my dad, 'cause he knew a guy who owned a motorcycle shop.

And, uh, that's... uh, that's... that's not really apples to apples, is it?

Are you okay?

Not really.

Here, put this on your neck.

Oh, that feels nice.

(sighs)

I've got a little bit of cottonmouth.

(chuckles)

Want some Gatorade?

Oh. Man, you think of everything.

Is it a pinecone? Is it a lizard?

Okay, Teddy, the point of Twenty Questions is to narrow it down, right, not just guess random things.

I know the answer.

Oh, I know you know.

But Teddy's never won one of these.

It could be a real milestone.

♪ Fa, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

Emme?

Does that thing ever stop making noise?

It'll go to sleep if we're really quiet.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Just go to sleep!

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

Hey, Marie, this is the third message I'm leaving you.

I know it's kind of weird, but, uh, Katie wants to talk to her mom, and I figured if I could find her a mom, and... - (knocking)

Oh, there you are.

Oh, thank... Oh.

Surprise.

Marie sent me. She got your message, but she's hooking up with some busboy.

Their hands touched a little bit when he took her plate, and it was on.

(stammers) How are you supposed to help me?

Mom?!

Oh, there's our little blossoming flower.

Why don't you just tell everybody in the world?

It's not everybody.

It's just Uncle Don and Lowell and Marie.

And probably some busboy.

(scoffs)

Katie! Katie...

I am totally blowing this.

She's up there all alone. She's freaking out.

She needs someone to talk her through this.

So go up and talk to her.

I can't. I'm terrible at this.

I told her to walk it off, Lowell.

Walk it off?!

Adam, I'm going to say to you what you said to me when I was att*cked by that aggressive moth.

Stop whimpering and grow a pair.

Are you on, like, testosterone pills or something?

It's a cream.

Oh.

Stop trying to find someone else to deal with this.

Parenting isn't about having the right answers... it's about being there.

Just be there for her.

Okay. Uh... yeah.

Thanks, Lowell.

You're welcome.

Now, I have to get home before it gets dark.

That's when the moths come.

(snoring)

(whispering): Mom.

Shh. It's sleeping.

But I have to pee.

Good morning! Let's yodel!

Oh, God. (groans)

(yodeling)

Emme, close your eyes.

Teddy, keep yours open.

This is the first time I've ever peed in a car.

What a milestone.

(yodeling)

You feeling better?

Uh...

I'll be okay.

But, uh, I'm right here for you.

Right... here.

(sighs)

Boy, when you sent me that text, I was really scared.

I have never been that freaked out before.

And one time at work, I saw a guy fall off the roof into a Porta Potti.

It was Uncle Don, wasn't it?

No, no, no, he was already in the Porta Potti.

(sighs)

I've never heard you admit that you were scared before.

Oh.

Uh... well...

I didn't think I was gonna handle it right, because you've kind of... gotten away from me a little bit.

I keep thinking of you like this little girl.

But, somehow, without me noticing, you've grown into something more.

And better.

I'm sorry you had to be stuck here with me for all this, but...

Katie, I'm so proud of you.

(chuckles)

I'm gonna cry.

I'm not usually this emotional.

And so it begins.

Don't worry, I mean, Mom will be home soon.

It's okay.

I'm feeling better.

Come here.

(sniffles)

(footsteps approaching)

Hi, Dad!

Hi, Dad!

Hey, guys.

I got to pee in Mommy's travel mug!

W...

Mostly.

Uh-oh.

Hey, honey.

You look...

I paused too long, didn't I?

Drown this.

In this.

Hey.

How'd it go with Purr Baby?

Did you...

Oh, yeah.

I introduced Purr Baby to my table saw.

When I cut it in half, it just kept laughing.

That is gonna stick with me for a while.

But how-how are you?

I just, I can't believe I missed everything here.

I mean, I-I was trying to catch mini-milestones, and I missed the biggest milestone yet.

Yeah.

It was touch-and-go there for a while, but, uh, I pulled through.

Okay, what is that one?

Circle.

Mm.

What is that one?

Square.

It's official.

You are a genius.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Emme. I saw something at the store I had to get for you today.

Oh.

Aw.

(gasps)

Aw.

Huh?

Yay! Thanks, Uncle Don!

(chuckles)

There was a big pile of 'em.

80% off, for some reason.

Wow, that's really thoughtful of you, Uncle Don.

Thanks. But why don't we leave him right here and let's go get some ice cream, huh?

I'm in.

Me, too.

She's coming, too?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, we're going for ice cream!

Andi: Okay.

(door shuts)

Purr Baby: Hello!

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... ♪