01x10 - A Dinner Gone Wrong

[bunniefuu]

Okay, only six more days till you, me, Andi and Marcy are on a plane to Vegas.

(laughs)

Oh, we have been planning this trip for three years and something always, always screws it up.

Well, it was your fault we canceled last year.

You had to go out and get food poisoning.

Yeah, because you cooked me fish you bought from a guy in a van.

He was wearing a captain's hat. He seemed legit.

And the year before that, you had to pet that coyote.

He came right up to me.

Okay, for the next six days, we play it safe.

No dares, no bets, no making the crew laugh with your nail g*n tricks.

Nothing is gonna get in the way of our trip.

All right?

Did you confirm the hotel reservation?

Yeah, I even talked them into giving us the convention discount.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what's the catch?

No catch. Just, someone's gonna have to pretend to be a podiatrist.

And, um, possibly give a quick 90-minute speech.

Hey, Emme, how was ballet?

Great, I was the cutest one.

She's gonna be trouble, isn't she?

Yeah, a little bit.

(sing-songy): Six days to Vegas.

I know, I'm excited.

Oh, but, uh, guess what I heard at ballet?

Hmm?

Chad Thompson had a birthday party last week and Teddy wasn't invited.

What? Wait, which one's Chad Thompson?

The one that calls you "toots"?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's the one who's got the head that's too big for his body.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Bubblehead Thompson, yeah.

Yeah. I just... I hope Teddy's not upset.

Oh, well, let's find out.

I don't suggest this often, but let's go talk to our children.

(door closes)

Okay, you go.

Why don't you go? You're closer.

Teddy?

Listen, uh, Mom wants to talk to you.

So, Teddy...

Hey, what's going on with Chad Thompson these days?

I-I heard he had a birthday party last week?

I didn't want to go to that.

We don't really hang out anymore.

Oh, oh. (chuckles)

Well, so, who do you hang out with?

The guys who play Astroline Rebellion, the greatest computer game of all time.

Oh. Huh.

So, kids at your school play that?

No. I've never met them in person.

They're online friends.

Oh. Wow. (chuckles)

That is, um... troubling?

They're great guys...

SpaceBoss, LonerZero, TheGoobs43.

The-the goobs? What-what's a goobs?

Wh-What kind of kids are these?

They're called dorks.

All right, but, um, sweetie, you-you hang out with actual kids at your school, too, right?

Yeah, yeah, kids you definitely know aren't, like, grown men in some Internet cafe in Bangkok.

Not really. I'm more of an online presence these days.

Oh.

Hmm.

Oh, I should have taken him fishing more.

Okay, I didn't do it sooner because I didn't want to jinx it.

But I booked our flights to Vegas.

Great news: all middle seats.

Okay, how come we let Don plan these trips?

Next year, we got to make sure someone's in charge of making sure he's not in charge.

I don't if now is the right time to go, you know?

I mean, what, with Teddy and the space goobers.

What? So he's a nerd. He's happy.

You're just saying that 'cause you want to go to Vegas.

Yes. Yes, but also, he seems fine.

Yeah, the world needs nerds.

What do you think would have happened if Bill Gates' parents had freaked out about him being a nerd, huh?

There'd be no Angry Birds, I'll tell you that.

I just don't want the other kids to think he's weird and then give him a hard time.

Growing up is tough. (chuckles)

You know, I don't have any personal experience being an outsider, 'cause I've always been hot and athletic.

Mm-hmm.

But, um, I think Don can relate.

Mm.

Yeah. In high school, Jimmy Dugan used to follow me around and call me a shaved gorilla.

(laughs)

Oh...

Oh, a shaved gorilla. That's a...

Yeah, well, I was a nerd growing up and it wasn't easy.

(scoffs) You know, you're always saying that, but I am not buying it.

If anything, you were a hot nerd.

Like, uh, like Velma on Scooby-Doo.

Ah, you think so, huh?

Oh, yeah.

When you wear your reading glasses...

(whistles)

All right...

Well, that's because I didn't go to the same high school as the three of you.

Okay, I am gonna tell you guys something I have never told anyone before.

My freshman year...

You slept with a teacher? You got a boob job?

Why is no one else guessing?

Okay, I had just moved here from Virginia and I hadn't made many friends.

I thought, "I'm gonna make a big splash at the homecoming game."

So, I go to the mall.

And there, in the window, is a leather suit. Okay?

Just like the one Eddie Murphy wore in his stand-up special.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It was shiny, skintight and bright red.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And I spent all my babysitting money on it 'cause I thought... (scoffs)

"With this suit, I can't lose."

I hope this works out for her.

You're not good with tone, are you?

Andi: Yeah, I realized my mistake as soon as I hit the bleachers.

You see... leather makes a sound.

It's a sound that-that makes people stop and stare.

Why do I know this story?

And that's when I started to sweat. A lot.

And then, a cheerleader from the other school saw me in my Eddie Murphy suit and she flipped her little ponytail at me and she said, "Oh, hey, look, it's... "

Both: Sweaty Murphy.

What?

But how did you know that?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're Sweaty Murphy?

(laughs)

I played in that game.

We talked about you in the huddle.

We laughed so hard, they threw a flag.

No, no, no, no, the only way you would know that is if...

(swallows hard)

Oh, my God.

You're the girl with the ponytail.

Oh! (laughs)

And you're the girl in the suit, this is so funny! (laughs)

You don't think it's funny.

Don: Well, I'm just glad you're okay, because word on the street was that Sweaty Murphy went crazy and ended up in a home somewhere.

Yeah, my home.

I can't believe I married Sweaty Murphy!

(laughs)

It's not funny.

It's a little funny.

Funny.

I can't believe we have been friends all these years and that was you.

You are not really mad about this, are you?

It was years ago.

No, no, I'm not mad.

I mean, I guess I would have recognized you sooner, but your hair's too thin for a ponytail now.

(gasps)

Oh, yeah, I said it.

Don, car.

No, no, no, don't bother leaving, I'm going upstairs.

(Adam groans)

Wow.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad none of that was Marcy's fault.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just practicing for the car ride home.

Ah...

Oh, boy. How was your night?

Bad.

Marcy wanted to talk.

I spent years training her not to depend on me for emotional support. That's all out the window!

After you guys left, Andi went off about Marcy.

She went through all the English curse words, then started swearing in Portuguese like her grandmother.

This Vegas trip is starting to feel very shaky.

Oh, don't even say that. I need this trip.

All year, I've been working in this dump...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is our business.

I'm sorry, you know I love this place, but the thought of Vegas is the only thing that gets me through the day in this hellhole.

Look, I want to go, too.

But I don't think it's gonna happen, unless Marcy apologizes.

Well, there's two things Marcy never does: one of them, she did before we got married and then she stopped.

The one you're talking about, she's never done.

Well, we got to figure out a way to talk her into it.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

You know, it's been so long, I don't even miss it anymore.

Oh, you mean the other thing.

You want me to apologize?

That's a great idea.

Adam, you know I love Andi.

She's one of my best friends, but she totally overreacted.

All right, between you and me, I totally agree.

Also between you and me, I never said that.

She also said a very hurtful thing to me.

My hair is thick and luxurious, right, Don?

Like a yak's chest, baby.

Thank you.

Well, look, Marcy, you are a very powerful woman.

Like a yak!

Okay, uh, Don here is a shell of a man, so job well done.

But with that power comes responsibility.

You have the opportunity now to be the bigger person.

Hmm. Appealing to my vanity, I like it.

Okay, I'll do it.

Yes! Great. This'll mean a lot to Andi.

Oh, and when you do it, if she starts talking in Portuguese, just power through, that's all compliments.

(door opens)

There she is.

Surprise!

Look who came to see you.

Hello, Marcy.

That was in English, that's a good sign.

So, Andi, I just wanted to say...

Oh, you know what? Nothing you say can change what happened.

All right? I mean, all these years, I have regretted not thinking of the perfect comeback for when you called me "Sweaty Murphy"... (groans) but I see now that I'm not small and mean like you.

I don't have to blow out other people's candles to make mine shine brighter.

I saw that on a poster in the dentist's office, I thought it was quite something.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

I cannot believe that you are still upset about something that happened when we were kids!

It's kind of crazy.

Who are you calling crazy, doll hair?

Oh!

Okay, okay, okay, I think we're moving in the wrong direction here.

Honey, Marcy came over to apologize.

No, no, I am not apologizing anymore.

She's completely overreacting again.

Overreact... uh. A-Are you hearing this?

Do you think I'm overreacting?

Me?

Uh... do I think you're overreacting?

She's looking right at you. Everyone in the room knows she's talking to you.

Adam?

Well, you are reacting.

And it's definitely not too little. (chuckles)

It's... well, there's underreacting.

Right? Then there's regular reacting. You know.

Then there's, uh... you.

That means over!

I never said it!

All right. I gave it a sh*t, Adam.

I'm out. Don, car.

(Don inhales, exhales)

I never get to stay anywhere.

I can't believe you didn't back me up.

Come on, Andi. I always have your back.

I just don't think that something that happened in high school should cause all these problems today.

Because you turned out awesome.

Well, yeah. I am pretty great.

You know, but it was a long road to get here.

(exhales) When she said, "Don, car," I guess she meant, "Don, I'm taking the car."

Okay, well, good. I'm glad you're back, because you can help me.

Okay, don't you think everybody would be better off if Andi just let this go?

Be the bigger person, and just forgive Marcy.

Yeah, I-I mean, I did that to the guy from high school who used to call me a shaved gorilla.

Really?

Yeah.

Wait, you're not just making this up as you go along?

No.

'Cause I need something good here.

No. I-It's a nice story, actually.

Couple years ago, he came to me looking for a job, and I took that opportunity to be the bigger man.

I told him to go to hell.

How does that make you the bigger man?

Well, he's like five-seven. I'm way bigger.

I knew it.

All the parts of a good story, but still useless.

Don, why are you on his side?

You were a nerd in high school, too, and he doesn't get it.

I get it.

Oh, really? Have you ever been so desperate to get out of a leather suit that you broke the zipper?

And then your dad had to cut you out with an electric carving Kn*fe?

Okay. To be fair, that's a really small club.

You know, now that I think about it, Adam sailed through high school.

He was always the winner, always popular.

Okay. Look, I can't help it if people are drawn to me.

I'm... magnetic. I don't know.

Life's been easy for you, hasn't it?

It's... it's been a good run, yeah.

Well, you remember at dinner, when I told you they called me a shaved gorilla?

He laughed.

Oh, no. I do remember that.

It's a funny idea.

I mean, picture a gorilla.

Then, you shave him. You never see that.

(chuckles)

You know, I think I'm on Andi's side now.

(groans)

And I don't think she overreacted at all.

I think you underreacted.

You're an underreactor.

You are on the right side of history, Don.

What? What is happening here? Now you got him nuts?

Just because of one day, like, a million years ago?

Adam, it wasn't just one day.

I mean, people called me Sweaty Murphy for months.

All right? Even my homeroom teacher.

She'd do roll call in the morning, she'd be, like, "Murphy," comma, "Sweaty?"

And I'd have to be, like, "Here."

Oh. Okay. I didn't know any of that.

I think it's time you leave, Adam.

It's my house, Don.

Well, it looks like you win again, doesn't it?

(door closes, knocks on wall)

Hey, Marcy.

Why are you here?

Apparently, I'm on your team, now.

Oh, ho, ho. We're gonna be unstoppable!

What? No... No! It's not good.

So how do you want to get 'em?

Okay, we're getting them.

Look, Andi is really upset.

(sighs)

And now, she's got Don all worked up, too.

She even took him to the school-parent mixer tonight, instead of me, because he's on her team.

I had no idea this would be such a big deal to her.

Okay, look. I don't think either one of us really understood her point of view before, because she's right.

We haven't gone through it.

(sighs)

And I definitely didn't handle things the way I should've.

Well, to be honest, I feel terrible.

I mean, I love Andi.

But I think the reason that I got so upset was because I...

I wasn't proud of the way I behaved back then.

I was young and selfish, and I... I didn't care who I hurt, so, maybe Andi's right about me.

Wow.

Wow. You just said a lot of really great things at a really unhelpful time.

Okay, look. I think the question is...

How do we get her to forgive us?

How would I know how to do that?

Okay, Marcy. Look, it's... everyone in town knows you hold a hell of a grudge.

Oh, that's nice that people notice.

Yeah, okay, well. So, if the roles were reversed, what would it take or you to forgive?

Well, talking's not gonna do it.

We need something to let her know that we understand how she feels.

Right? A big gesture.

Would that by any chance be... a trip to Vegas?

No. No.

Oh.

No. What I would need is something that would make me feel better, while at the same time, making you feel bad.

You know, preferably, in a public place with a lot of people watching.

Okay? And on top of that, making a profound statement about the underlying issue that started the problem.

That's all.

Wow.

My brother Don is a saint.

So I told Adam, I'm gonna go to the parent mixer with someone who's on my team: Don.

And I misplayed my hand terribly, so I'm here.

Well, this may come as a shock to you, but I was not the most popular person in high school either.

Oh, I believe it. You seem soft, son.

Oh, my God.

Now we got a party.

Why are you dressed like that?

You... sweet, ridiculous man.

I want to be on Team Sweaty Murphy.

Even though you have really bad uniforms.

Honey, you didn't have to do this.

Yes. I did.

And believe me, now I understand how you must've felt.

Sweaty... in every area.

And humiliated.

Hey, Jim.

Oh...

Oh... you do get me.

This team sucks. Take me home.

Ugh.

Look what he wore for me.

Is he not the cutest?

Well, we wanted to make a point.

We? W-We who?

We...

Marcy?

Marcy: I don't want to do this anymore, Adam!

Marcy!

(leather creaking)

(laughing): That's the stuff!

Adam: Okay, I got my keys,

I got the tickets.

Vegas, here we come! (laughs)

I got to tell you, I didn't think this would actually happen.

(chuckles)

Hey, are we still getting the fake doctor discount?

Yeah. I just got to write a 90-minute speech about feet. I got the title.

"Feet: The Hands of Your Legs."

Okay, guys. Come on. We're gonna drop you at Nana's on the way to the airport.

All right.

Daddy, my throat hurts.

What? No. No, no, no.

Aw, honey. Come here.

Oh, Adam. She's got a fever.

No! No, no, no.

Yep. Teddy's warm, too.

Every year.

What are we gonna do? Uh...

Don't look at me. I'm a foot doctor.

Goobs, watch your tail.

This guy's level 30 xenomorph.

(gasps) Nice sh*t, LonerZero!

High five, guys.

Okay, that's it. We're going fishing next weekend.

And I'm buying you a BB g*n.

And this is how you high five.

With another hand.

Good morning, folks. (clears throat)

Von Burns, foot doctor.

Foot specialist.

Footballer, if you will.

Let's break down the word "feet."

From the Latin word "feetatoe."

Ten toes, two feet.

Five toes, one foot.

(Don clears his throat)

I'm gonna let that sink in for the next...

88 minutes.

In the meantime, I'm gonna walk with my feet to the back bar, get myself a nice little rum and Coke.

These are my feet, right here, ladies and gentlemen.

My feet are walking toward the bar in the back.

Thank you for coming out. Enjoy the next 88 minutes.