01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

(UPBEAT SHOW TUNE)

Song: ♪ Oh, fancy! ♪
♪ That is what my mother said ♪
♪ As I danced out ♪
♪ From between her legs ♪
♪ 'Cause I had something ♪
♪ All the other boys didn't have ♪
♪ And it was the one thing ♪
♪ All the people longed to have ♪
♪ It's fancy ♪
♪ And you can't buy it, baby ♪
♪ Oh, no. ♪

(LIGHTS BUZZ)

Do you think he'll remember us?

Of course he will.

You don't forget your mum and dad.

I know.

Oh, but I'm scared.

What if I don't remember him?

What do you mean?

Well, it's been two years since Boyd ran away.

What if he's changed so much that...

Susan, you'll know.

You'll know him in your heart.

He'll have grown, but he's still our boy.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Is he here?

He's here. Boyd?

(LOUD LOLLIPOP SUCKING NOISE)

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Mom and Dad! Oh, my gosh!

(LAUGHS) Boyd!

Mommy! Mommy, I'm home!

I'm finally home!

Oh, I missed you guys so much.

Hey, can we go to McDonald's on the way home?

That's my boy. Of course. You can do whatever you like.

Yes! I'm gonna get two milkshakes.

Sure, buddy. Today is your day.

Oh, I just can't believe this is real.

I know. It's like a dream, isn't it? We're together at last.

Yeah, I am your little son.

Let's go to Macca's.

OK, let's go!

What do you want? Chocolate?

Yeah.

Chocolate and a caramel together. I mix 'em up.

Oh, wow.

I call it a Boyd special.

OK, cool. 'Bye.

(FARTING NOISES)

(FARTING NOISES CONTINUE)

What is that?

'Fart Blaster'.

If you just search for 'fart' in the App Store, there's heaps of them.

What kind of a person makes these?

(FARTING NOISES)

Honey?

Honey, it's finally up for sale!

Oh, that is so great, baby.

It's your first official fart app!

I am so proud of you.

Now, do you want to come down for dinner?

Oh, I just...

I need to get the day one update ready, so...

Oh, well, honey, Michael and Sarah are here.

Just come down for dinner.

Rach, getting the day one update out is crucial to the survival of the app.

Plus, I need to apply a couple of bug fixes and, most importantly, I need a constant stream of new fart sounds.

Well, um, OK. Yep.

I... Yeah, I understand.

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

'Fart Blaster' Version 1.01 - update fart sounds, take one.

I'm sorry. He just has so much work to do.

Oh, no.

That's OK.

Um, can you pass the gravy?

Yes.

Thank you.

(LOUD FARTING ECHOES)

I...

(FARTING CONTINUES)

Man: Oh, God!

Babe?

Where are the Wet Ones?

Delicious gravy.

I'm just gonna grab the Wet Ones.

(BOTH CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

(EERIE CHORAL MUSIC)

So you're over there?

Yep.

Alright, see ya, mate. Be good.

Girl: Hey.

Hi.

You hear about Stephanie?

Yeah, she's not coming to school today.

Have a great day.

(BELL RINGS)

Simon.

Yeah. Glenn?

How are ya?

Yeah, good. How are you?

Yeah, real good.

Yeah, great.

This is exciting.

Yeah, I'm a first timer.

You?

Yeah, first timer.

Pfft... So who are we meant to be meeting again?

Meeting... Ros.

Ros! Yeah, nah, that's my name.

Yeah. You been talking about me, have ya?

What have you been saying? That I'm a bit of a handful?

That I'm a bit on the spectrum? That I'm a bit how's your father?

Hey? Hah!

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Right. You two dads be our talent for today, yeah?

Both: Yeah.

Yeah, alright. Come through.

Come on, come around.

Right, so you got your salads, your fruits, you got Leanne.

You got the sushi, the falafels.

Electronic drinks fridge. Yeah, only the best.

Fresh food, yeah. I'd come here for lunch myself.

You're not a kid! Hah!

No, we stopped doing the pies and the saussy rolls and that.

You know, it's harder to turn a profit, but it is worth it for the kids' guts and butts.

Great. I'm liking what I'm hearing.

Great! Have a wine. I will.

There we go.

It's pretty early.

Nah!

Right, pretty simple.

What you do is take the order, take the money, give 'em nothin'.

Hah! Nah, give 'em the food.

(MEN LAUGH AWKWARDLY)

Yep.

Ohh.

We still got a bit of time up our sleeves.

Not gonna have any of your wine? Have some of your wine.

Go on, it's a perk of the job. That's it.

Very good. Very good.

(EERIE CHORAL MUSIC)

(MAN CHUCKLES)

There we go. Welcome home, son.

Oh, yeah! Wow!

You guys got some great stuff here. Oh, what is this? Art Deco?

(SUSAN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh, you must be exhausted.

Do you want to have a lie-down?

Yeah, your bedroom is exactly as you left it.

Nah, I'm pretty buzzed.

I might take a quick sh*t, then head out for a chorizo.

Oh, no worries. You know where the toilet is?

Yeah, I'll find it.

Hey, do you have any lad mags I can read while I'm pushing this big sh*t out of my assh*le?

Let's have a look.

(EXHALES)

Thanks for seeing us at home, Dr Lewis.

I think it's good for you and Boyd to spend as much time at home as possible.

How do you feel about Boyd being back?

Oh, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

Oh, look, I am happy.

I just, um...

It feels different, you know?

Yeah, look, it can be common for parents who've been separated from their children to experience an emotional disconnect.

Yeah. Um, I just...

(SLURPS)

I feel like I've forgotten him.

You know, I don't remember him eating this much smoked salmon or liking coffee.

Oh, he loves his salmon and coffee, don't you?

Hell, yeah!

But why does he have an American accent and a full beard at 17?

Boyd, maybe it'd help your mum if you just told her what happened.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, I joined this circus for a while and it was my job to hose down the soiled midgets, yeah?

'Cause, you know, after the show they'd get all covered in, like, all kinds of stew, right?

Stew?

Yeah.

Like beef stew, lamb stew, that kind of thing.

'Cause what would happen is there was this point in the show where they'd give all these bowls of stew to the kids in the audience and they'd make 'em throw 'em at the midgets while they rotated on this big moving platform.

Oh, yuck!

Mm, and then for a while I went to Thailand where I shacked up with this ladyboy called Bang Bang Chaddy.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh!

And she was...

She was cool, but she had a weird ball sac.

It was all loose and greasy.

It was like a big bag made of chicken skin.

Sorry. I can't listen to any more of this.

Oh, Susan, please, please.

Look, it can be hard to adjust.

Have you guys seen that show 'Ellen'?

I love that f*ckin' show!

It's a great show.

Yeah.

Wonderful dancing.

Yeah.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

Babe, I'm sorry that your fart app isn't selling as well as you'd like, but... but maybe it's time to let go and move on.

Jesus, Rach. It's only been four days.

I just need to find the perfect fart sound to add to the next update.

You've already put out seven updates!

You've had your little bit of fun and now you're done.

My "little bit of fun"?

This isn't a bit of fun, Rach.

This is my life. I quit my job for this!

You what?

I'm... passionate about farts and fart apps.

I've always known that.

So now... it's time to get serious.

(FARTS)

What the f*ck are you doing?

Chasing my dreams.

Ooh! Oh-ho!

(HISSING)

Ooh, Christ, that's cold.

(CHUCKLES MANIACALLY)

(GAGS)

(HISSING STOPS)

Behold... the artist's work.

(STRAINS)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(expl*sive FARTING)

(CONTINUES FARTING)

(TREMBLES)

(VIOLENT, SOGGY FARTING)

(GRUNTS AND MOANS)

(LIQUID SPURTS)

Oh... (PANTS)

Can you take me to the hospital?

OK. (SIGHS)

There.

Michael.

What?

You need to realise that is not our boy.

He's a fully grown man.

What are you talking about?

Hey, I left a fifth of gin around here somewhere.

Have you guys seen it?

Uh, it's on top of your p*rn mags.

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Yeah, here it is. Got it.

Ohh, this is a good p*rn!

Hey.

This is our son just before he went missing two years ago.

Does that look anything like the person in our home?

That is the same exact person.

Boyd is our son and we love our son.

Our son was gone and now he's back.

He isn't.

He is our little boy.

Mm, he is.

He is our son.

Thank you. I know it's hard.

This is all new, but this is our family.

Ohh...

Ros: How we going in here? Alright?

(SLURS) Ros, this wine's really cloudy.

Oh, that's just a sign of quality, darl.

Now drink your cloud wine.

That's it. Down it goes.

(SLURS) Hey, Ros, I'm nearly done with the salads...

I'm nearly done with salad...

Sorry, Ros. I'm just feeling a bit weird.

What do you want me to move onto next?

(CLANG!)

(LAUGHS)

What are you laughing at there, chuckles, hey?

Ros, I think I need a lie-down.

Yeah, that's alright. Come on. There's a couch out this way.

Come on. Simon, you be a good dad and come with us.

Come on. Off we go.

There's a couch out here. Here we go.

You're right. There we are.

Go on, in there.

Get in there. OK.

(LOW CHATTERING)

Ros: Alright, off we go.

That's it. Go.

(SILENCE)

OK, yep. Go on, move it.

Come on. I haven't got all day.

Alright, fellas, I got a couple of hot papas here for you today.

Let's put your hands together and get some shouting going.

Please, welcome to the stage - it's Glenn and Simon!

(PEOPLE CHEER AND APPLAUD)

Whoo! That's it, boys.

Go, go! Come on, come on!

Go, boys!

(MEN CHEER AND SHOUT)

Let's hear it for these boys! Come on!

Put your arms up! Whey!

There they go. Get into it.

Yeah, boys!

Get up, get up! Get up, ya nongs!

Come on, get up.

Here it is. Get 'em up!

Whey!

(DISTORTED AUDIO)

(CAMERAS CLICK)

(EERIE DISTORTED TRANCE MUSIC)

That's it. Lovely.

(CHORTLES DEMONICALLY)

Who's next?

Hi. Um, is my dad around?

Uh, well, I think he's a bit busy at the moment.

OK. Um, what can I get for 40 cents, please?

Dad to dad. Dad to dad.

(ALL CHANT) Dad to dad! Dad to dad!

Dad to dad! Dad to dad!

(ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)

(DISTORTED) Dad to dad...

Rachel, I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for putting you through all of this and... it'll all be over soon.

What do you mean, it will all be over soon? It's over now.

Honey... I still haven't found it.

I still haven't found the perfect fart.

Gareth, this fart obsession is ripping you apart from the inside.

It's rotten and it's sick and it's gonna blow up in your face because you're not ripping the farts anymore.

The farts are ripping you.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't understand.

I have always supported you in all your bullshit!

You expect it. But you don't care about me or my dreams.

I don't want to be the woman behind the man.

It isn't who I am.

I'm a person too, Gareth, and I am more important than a fart.

Imagine if Jimi Hendrix's girlfriend had said the same thing to him about playing guitar.

That's absurd.

If that's how you feel, then you should just get out of my life.

You absolute sh*t.

You f*cking piece of sh*t.

You're actually f*cking serious, aren't you?

Um, yeah, I am.

And, uh, thank you for driving me to the hospital, but if you could just go...

(SIGHS)

Where's Boyd?

Oh, said he was going to the bong shop.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, that'll be him now.

I'll get it.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Oh, Boyd! Ohh!

Dad!

Son.

(WEEPS)

I just gotta get back to my book.

Ohh... I knew you'd come home.

Mom, Dad, I'm home!

I got three new bongs including this one that's shaped like a baby.

Hopefully it teaches me some responsibility...

Oh.

Boyd, we need to talk.

Yeah, I... I understand.

I'm just happy for you guys.

Ros: Dads? Dads?

Dads?

Oh, you dads were so great today.

What?

I tell ya, I've never had so many rave reviews about salad wraps.

Very impressive. Plus, your clean-up job? Topnotch.

Are we done, Ros?

Oh, you're very much done, my dads.

But we'll be having you back. We love our dads here, don't we?

Oh, God, your nose is bleeding.

Here, take this tissue, right?

Tilt your head back, OK?

Now you have to promise me you'll keep your head tilted back, alright?

And if it keeps bleeding, take yourself to the doctor, you understand?

OK, thank you, Ros.

Alright.

Alright, yeah, that's enough. Alright, thank you.

Thanks so much for your help. Ta.

Good on ya, darlin'. 'Bye. 'Bye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

If we keep going like this, someone's gonna get properly hurt!

When, Leanne? When does it end?!

It ends when I say it ends.

Hose up and get yourself home.

You've had a long day.

Go on.

(NOTES RUSTLE)

Eggs? Beans?

There's gotta be... there's gotta be something else.

A better way.

f*ck!

Man: Yes, yes, yes.

(MUTTERS)

Some very interesting stuff in here.

Thanks.

Are you a fart man?

How'd you know?

One fart man knows another.

Dr Grobbett.

Gareth.

It's a coincidence, actually, 'cause I'm a fart doctor.

A doctor of farts?

A fart specialist.

Oh!

There's not many of us.

Um, alright.

Is there something that you can give someone to make them have bigger farts?

There's something.

Yeah?

A new kind of surgery.

Re...

Experimental.

It's dangerous, but it'll make your arse sing like an angel.

I want the surgery.

How much do you want it?

I want it so bad. This is perfect.

Nah, you're not ready, mate.

What?

I am ready!

I was born ready!

Great. Let's do it.

What? Really? Now?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Of course.

OK. Alright. (GRUNTS)

Hurry up!

Alright, I'm coming.

Susan: Goodbye, Boyd. Take care of yourself.

I've popped in a couple of p*rn for the road.

Oh, thanks, Susan.

Thank you, Michael.

You know, I know it was a lie, but it wasn't a lie to me.

You opened your home and your hearts to me and that's something I'll never forget.

Kid, you got some pretty great parents.

They're pretty cool with some f*cked-up sh*t.

(LAUGHS)

See ya, Boyd. I will miss you.

I'm sorry for everything.

Anyway... goodbye!

See ya.

So long!

Farewell!

OK.

See ya.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Ohh!

Sayonara...

Boyd, Boyd, wait!

Come back!

What?

We want you to stay with us.

For serious? No fooling?

No fooling. Just come inside.

Oh, f*cking-A!

Hey, can I tuck into that smoked salmon?

Of course you can, Boyd.

Yeah!

What's ours is yours.

I've always wanted an older brother.

Hey, now you got a little baby brother too. Hey?

You wanna get f*ckin' high?

Oh, f*cking-A!

Yeah, let's go.

Alright.

(EXHALES)

We're ready to go.

Computer is recording.

Mike's set up. Check, one, two. Check, one, two.

What I'm going to do now is give you a tiny incision.

Just a little bit of blood.

(SQUELCHING)

That alright?

Yeah.

(SQUELCH)

Ohh!

OK.

(HISSING)

Ohh!

Your fart bone just released the fart gas into your farty bum chamber.

You're about to explode!

(LAUGHS)

(BREATHLESSLY) Thank you!

Man: He might be down this way. Let's have a look.

OK, there he is.

Oh!

Get him back to the psych ward!

OK. Oh, Jesus.

Just hang in there, OK? You're gonna be alright.

Here we go. Just hold on.

(RUMBLING)

Ohh!

(LONG, BUBBLY, expl*sive FART)

(LAUGHS AND CONTINUES FARTING)

(FART CONTINUES AND ECHOES)

(FART SQUEAKS)

This is why we do it!

The perfect fart!

(FART CONTINUES)

(LAUGHS) I found it.

Alright, hang on. I'm just... I'm gonna need some help.

Nurse, can we... (GAGS) ... can we get some help, please?

(BUBBLING FART)

(FART SQUEAKS)

(HEART RATE MONITOR FLATLINES)

(FART PLAYS ON PHONE)

Oh, you got 'Fart Blaster'?

Nah, 'Frankenfarter'. I like the little picture better.

Yeah, they're all basically the same.

It's the first annual Boyd Championships!

And here are our two contestants, Boyd and Boyd!

Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah, go, Boyd!

Our first category - painting.

He's really getting into it.

I wonder what that is.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Have a look at that!

Ooh!

Well!

The final category, the decider: freestyling!

Yay!

Dildo marching?

It's saying so much to me.

Oh, this is so hard to judge.

Five, four...

Oh, Boyd!

... two, one, it's over!

And it's a tie!

You both win!

(ALL CHEER)

My Boyds, my Boyds!