01x06 - Episode 6

♪ Oh, fancy that ♪
♪ Is what my mother said ♪
♪ As I danced out ♪
♪ From between her legs ♪
♪ 'Cause I had something ♪
♪ All the other boys didn't have ♪
♪ And was the one thing ♪
♪ All the people are known to have ♪
♪ It's fancy ♪
♪ And you can't buy it, baby ♪
♪ Oh, no. ♪

So, uh, that's $3.50, thanks.

Too easy. I'll pay on card.

We actually have a $10 minimum.

Sorry about that.

I'll be back.

Hey, do you have an EFTPOS minimum?

No, I don't.

Great.

Sorry about that.

I don't know if I can do no talking.

It's this, or 30 days jail.

Yeah, I know. f*ck!

You have anger issues, Carl! You need it, so do it!

Mr Reardon, welcome.

Please sign here and leave all your possessions with me.

Your particular vow will be 8 days.

What if I sneeze?

Sneezing is OK.

Don't be smart, Carl.

The introduction seminar will commence across the courtyard.

Goodbye, Mother.

Today begins your journey towards inner growth.

Peacefulness is a joy and, through mindful reflection, we wish you a calming journey.

Your silence commences now.

(BREATHES LOUDLY)

(SOFT, WET MOUTH SOUNDS)

(SNORTS)

(COUGHS)

(SNORTS)

(COUGHS, SNORTS)

(SNORTS)

(SOFT, WET MOUTH SOUNDS)

(SNORTS)

(HAWKS UP PHLEGM)

(SNORTS)

OK, Joe! How are ya?

Hey!

How are ya? You good?

Alright! Great! Well, better get into it. (LAUGHS)

Check, check, check!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, step right up to Joe's Meats.

That's right.

And may I just say that Joe over here is an absolute credit to the meat industry.

(LAUGHS) Good on ya, Joe.

Good on ya. Alright.

So I just drove here in a car for ages, right, and, boy, my wheels are a little bit tired.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, baby! Oh, baby! Heh. Cheers.

Get in... Get in there, chop-chop!

(BEEP! BEEP!)

Ah, yes! Of course!

My old friend Old Rob! Here he is.

Kanga bangers, $8.99.

Lamb shanks. Shanks? Yes?

Hey, Joel. How's it going?

Hey, so, I've been looking at your accounts here.

Um, your supply costs are fine and your utilities are under control and you've got some great products here, but there is one area which I think could use a little bit of an overhaul.

What's the problem?

It's Mitchell. He's the problem.

Mitchell? Nah, mate.

Mitchell? He's been spruiking here for five years, mate.

Joe, when you came to me for help you wanted me to identify inefficiencies in your business.

Now, I've been looking at your books.

It was five years ago when this business started to take a bit of a downward turn.

Alright? It's not personal. It's analytics.

I like Mitchell. I think he's a great guy.

But numbers don't lie, OK?

Mitchell's spruiking is literally driving people away.

And Joe's personally showed me that there are absolutely no horse hooves in the meat, right?

No purged meats. Uh, no pig snout.

But I don't know, mate. Mitchell.

He's like family to me.

Look, I understand how this could be a sensitive subject, but how about this - with your permission, can I just try something different for just one day?

Speaking of gristle, speaking of gristle... have you ever heard of gristle?

Hey! Yeah, great! I can do the bit!

Alright, let's try something different.

But just for one day.

Sure. Lamb chops, $7.99.

What do you put in these egg sandwiches? They're amazing.

You wouldn't believe it - it's egg...

(DOORBELL RINGS) Egg?

Oh! Hey, uh, Mary sounds like somebody's at the door.

Oh, God. What have you got planned?

Nothing. Why don't you go and answer the door?

Oop! Hello! I'm bloody Fat sh1t! I'm your bellygram!

Ho-hoo-hoo!

Let's go. Are you the birthday girl?

Yep.

Well, then why don't you take a seat?

Let my birthday girl sit down and, uh, we're going to have a little bit of cheeky fun.

Here we go!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ I'm a big fat sh1t I'm a big fat sh1t ♪
♪ And I got a jumbly tum ♪
♪ If you wanna play with me I'm really bloody fun ♪
♪ I'm really bloody fat so line up and have a squiz ♪
♪ 'Cause I am a big old fat sh1t and I'm f*ckin' ridgy didge! ♪

(SQUEALS)

(LAUGHTER)

It's gonna be the best party ever!

(LAUGHTER)

Today we will present to you a challenge.

You must overcome this challenge - with serenity, not hostility.

(HISSING)

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck! Gaaa!

That was a f*cking king brown snake!

There's f*cking heaps of them up here.

Be very f*ckin' careful.

Anyway, this is your challenge.

It's one of those little metal brain game things.

Tommy! Thanks so much for coming down. Appreciate it.

This is Joe. Joe, this is Tommy.

How are you?

And this is the spot.

Oh, uh, these are the specials.

Photographic memory.

Let's do this.

Joe's Meats, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on in and get yourself some dinner.

That's right. Chop, chop, chop.

Bring yourselves in and look at these lamb chops.

Red meat. Who here loves red meat?

Let me hear if you love red meat.

Red meat? Yeah, that's right.

Well, we've got heaps of it in here, so you will not be disappointed, ladies and gentlemen, no.

(LAUGHS)

♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy ♪
♪ Meats ♪
♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy ♪
♪ Chops ♪
♪ Beef chops ♪
♪ Lamb chops ♪
♪ Pork chops ♪
♪ Off your chops. ♪

Crowd: Joe's the DJ! Joe's the DJ!

Yeah! Thank you!

Joe's the DJ! Joe's the DJ!

Joe's the DJ! Joe's the DJ! Joe's the DJ!

Yes, I know. Buy! Buy! Buy it now!

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

♪ Hottest deals ♪
♪ Specials. ♪

That was a masterclass.

That was awesome.

Maybe next time, throw a little less meat, but other than that, great.

Thank you so much for coming down. I really appreciate it.

Excuse me. Can I just say, mate, amazing.

I sold more meat today than I've sold for a whole month.

Thank you. Thank youse.

What did I tell you?

Joe, we've only just dropped.

We haven't even started peaking yet.

I'm using an MDMA metaphor.

So, Joe, you asked me to stay at home because you're doing a last-minute stocktake and then I come up and...

You've gotta be kidding me!

Mitchell, mate.

Who's this grub?

Mitchell, this is about Joe's business and getting it back on track.

It's not personal. It's analytics.

Mitchell, mate, this was just a test.

(LAUGHS) So this is the offcut I'm here to rescue you from.

(LAUGHS)

So, who are you with your smoke machines and your disco music and your turntable and...

It's pretty good, actually. It's not bad, yeah.

But this job is about people, right?

And this is my friend Old Rob, right?

And I know what he's going to order every single first Sunday of every month, yeah?

What's it? Yeah, too right.

Yeah, too right. 10 kilos of kidney meat.

Yeah.

Don't forget the mince.

Don't forget that mince!

Yeah.

So you can sell one cough dodger one bag of meat once a month?

Hero.

Joe, I'm bored. Come get me when you want to sell some f*cking meat.

Wait...

You... you come find me when YOU want to sell some f*ckin' meat.

Mitch...

Nah.

(SCOOTER BEEPS)

(LAUGHTER)

Watch this, guys. Watch this!

(LAUGHTER)

Come on! Let's go. It's inspection time!

Ohh! Bleh! Yuck!

Oh, ho-ho! That's two points to Mary.

Whoa!

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪

Wa-hey!

(LAUGHTER)

Hip, hip!

Hooray!

Whoa!

All: Fat sh1t!

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS)

You're fat!

Come on! More!

His tummy looks like an infected ball bag.

All: (CHANT) Fat sh1t, fat sh1t, fat sh1t, fat sh1t...

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oi!

Hey! How's it going, man?

I'm f*ckin' over being silent, hey? It f*ckin' sucks.

How good's this place, but?

All you gotta do is pretend to be quiet and you get all the free soup you want, man.

It's f*ckin' grouse.

I'm bringin' back grouse.

Oi! I'm Mogs, by the way.

I was thinking you and I should be mates.

You look like a f*ckin' cooked unit.

All my mates reckon I'm a f*ckin' crack-up.

They're always like, "Oi, Mogs! What are ya f*ckin' talkin' about?"

And I'm like, "f*ckin' nothing, man!"

And they're like, "You're f*ckin' piss funny."

(LAUGHS)

Oi.

Oi, mate, bring out the f*ckin' soup!

f*ckin' got him.

Flinch test. Heh! You passed! Heh!

Oh!

Hey, man!

Hey, guess what.

Just like you, I only brung three undies as well.

You know how I know?

I went through all your stuff. Heh!

It's just cool to know that we're the same.

Oi, and just a general announcement for all of youse -

I've brung a whole bunch of new ideas and sh1t.

So if youse ever want to have a read, just hit me up.

There's a real good article about the hottest dad bods of 2016.

Oi.

Soup fight!

Truce.

(CHUCKLES)

(SOFT, WET MOUTH SOUNDS)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Well, what do you think?

You're right!

Maybe he can do one day a week and then Mitchell can do the other four.

Joe, that would still take you three years to get out of debt.

Tommy's the best in the business.

You saw him. He's in demand. We need to lock him down now.

I can't fire Mitchell.

He's a nice guy.

I can't do that to him, mate.

Joe, I can't help you if you don't want to listen to me.

I hate to tell you this, but if you don't modernise... I think this business is done.

This business isn't for making money.

It's a home, and Mitchell he needs to be in a home.

Thank you for your time, but... sorry.

I won't be needing your services anymore.

Joe, I understand.

I wish you and your meat the best of luck.

I don't need luck, mate.

I've got family.

Special closing down sale now on!

Oh, mama! Oh, baby! We did it! (LAUGHS)

Kanga bangers, $1.99, and we've got prime rib for $2.99.

It's usually $17.99.

Speaking of $17.99, that's about as much money I've got in my bank account.

I'm in a lot of trouble! Oh, mama! (LAUGHS)

Everything must go! OK!

f*cking family.

OK! Choice meats! $17.99... Well, it used to be $17.99 and now...

(BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!)

♪ Got a shocking belly ♪
♪ It is very smelly ♪
♪ Got a shocking belly ♪
♪ It is very smelly ♪
♪ Got a shocking belly... ♪

Ah!

Whoo!

Hey!

I can't do this anymore.

What?

I can't.

I... I'm sorry.

I just...

I just can't do this anymore.

Partygoers: Ohhh.

What's...? Ohh. Where are you going?

Fat sh1t.

I gotta... I gotta go.

Oh, sh1t.

Did I miss the fatty?

Terry! Terry, mate.

Hey... Hold up for a sec. Are you, uh... Are you OK?

No, man. I...

I just don't want to be fat anymore.

Oh, mate, everyone's got a different body type.

Dude, I've got diabetes.

I've got high blood pressure.

I'm not healthy.

I... I wasn't always like this.

The more weight I gained, the more I just accepted it as normal.

And everyone encouraged me, too.

They wanted me to be the jolly fat guy.

And you start to believe that selling your dignity for cash is just your way of taking control of your body and taking control of your life, but I've lost control.

I don't want to be this way anymore and I... I feel like sh1t all the time.

Oh... Here's your money back, man.

Oh, Terry, mate. I'm... I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Thanks, mate.

Hey, Terry!

What you gonna do now?

I don't know.

But I know that whatever I do, my dignity and my health are not for sale.

Oh, man!

Hey, fat dude!

I will give you $2,000 if you get back in there and do your fat guy sh1t.

♪ Well, I'm a... ♪
♪ Big fat c**t and I want to suck a dickie ♪
♪ I'm a big fat c**t and I want to be a poo ♪
♪ I'm a big fat c**t and I want to eat a biccie ♪
♪ Cover my face in muck and slop ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Fat c**t's back ♪
♪ Here we go with the fat c**t rap ♪
♪ Oh, look out! Rappin' time! ♪
♪ Fat c**t does have a rapping rhyme. ♪

Whoo!

Aw, these, huh? (LAUGHS)

Oop!

Hey! Great work on the f*ckin' initiation the other night, guys.

That was a f*ckin' funny prank, hey?

Heh!

I love a prank between mates.

I've been doing me own f*ckin' pranks, actually, around the place.

What I've been doing is doing these massive sh1ts in bowls and just leaving 'em round the place.

It's really funny.

I'm f*ckin' crook in the head, mate. (LAUGHS)

It's just pranks, though, hey?

f*ck you!

Yeah.

You think we're initiating you?

We were f*cking assaulting you, mate.

Heh.

No-one here likes you.

Oh.

You can't read social cues, can you?

You're not right in the head.

I don't reckon you have a place to go besides here.

I reckon you're a f*cking toad, mate.

I reckon you're a f*cking toad, who deserves a lot worse than what we gave you!

You're f*cked, mate!

f*ck!

This is so much f*cking better!

(SCREAMING)

♪ Fancy! ♪

Oi. You wanna hear something f*cked up?

I ripped a scab off the other night, off my f*ckin' leg and I weighed it on these digital kitchen scales - guess how much it f*ckin' weighed.

94 grams, man.

Then my mate's like, "f*ckin' Mogs, you should eat the scab."

And I was like, "No way."

And then he's f*ckin' full dared me.

Can't turn down a f*ckin' dare.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SCREAMS)

Small dick! Small dick! Oh!