01x07 - @emma

[bunniefuu]

Brooke: Welcome, everybody.

So, our best outdoor gear issue goes live in two days, so let's start the meeting...

Uh, Brooke, if I may go first... no one's here.

What do you mean? Mason's over there at the 3D printer.

I'm making a pair of... hiking boots.

For our gear issue.

Definitely not homemade Yeezys.

And to think the designers of that machine intended for it to make stupid stuff, like heart valves for veterans.

Damn it, I made two lefts.

I'm here too, Jack.

Oh, yeah, so Clark is video chatting live from the zoo, where he's finishing his article on the panda mating.

Clark, what's it like at the zoo?

There must be a slight delay on the feed.

Mmm.

Um, Clark, tell us about the panda mating.

Oh, it is so hot. I am all wet over here.

Uh, I think and hope to God he was answering your first question.

Yeah.

Clark, have you met Susan, the zoo's publicist?

She refuses to have sex, even when she is pinned down and mounted.

Clark, is the female panda going to have sex or not?

Probably not for a while, there's a line of dudes in front of me.

Uh, yeah, I think he's talking about the publicist.

Um, um, Clark, would you know Susan if you saw her?

Definitely.

She is crazy aroused and rubbing herself on a log as we speak.

Mute it! Mute it! Mute it!

Oh, dear Lord, yes.

Okay, then where's Emma?

Not that I could tell you what she does here other than tweet and show up late reeking of tequila and Pedialyte.

She does a lot more than tweet, okay?

As our social influencer, she brings readers to the site, she finds advertisers, she manages our social media.

Jack: And here she is, doing exactly the things I described and none of the things you just made up.

Jack, I know how to manage these kids, okay?

And trust me, Emma will do her best work if we just let her do her thing.

Yeah, okay, we need to have a chat with her.

Oh, look, there's Clark on location.

Clark, can you hear me?

How's the panda mating going?

Um, was it Brooke's idea for you to do this via video chat?

Yep, she is sex crazy.

I mean, she did not want to do it when the camera's around, but now that animal does not care who watches.

There must be something wrong with the feed because that does not sound like my daughter.

Oh, no, it was her all right.

She's been begging me to show her this piece for a long time.

Ah, Emma, take a seat.

How are you?

Uh, hung over and on the wrong side of 25.

But I'm about to feel a lot better.

(clicks tongue)

It says 15%.

Are these the odds of you staying awake during the meeting?

We're negotiating my raise.

I'm getting a promotion... durr.

Hmm, don't you "durr" me, missy.

I invented "durr."

Emma, I understand unconventional work styles.

Sometimes I kick my shoes off under my desk.

But you...

Look, you show up late and you're always on your phone.

And five minutes ago you were asleep at your desk.

Or maybe you were shutting your eyes so you could visualize all the great work you're going to do today.

No, I was straight up sleeping.

(chuckles)

Listen, Emma, we all have our thing.

Sometimes during work hours, I read the news on my phone.

You'd always sleep too if you were out till 3:00 a.m. wining and dining gear sponsors.

Wow!

What a clever way to say you went out with your friends and got drunk on the company's dime.

But you are not drunk anymore, and that is the important thing.

I'm still a little drunk.

Damn it, woman, I am trying to help you here.

You hired me to be me.

So why am I in trouble for being myself?

My stats are savage.

I have tens of thousands of followers, and they all read Outdoor Limits because of me and my personal brand.

@emma is low-key booming.

What the hell is @emma?

I knew you'd ask: my brand sizzle reel.

Witness.

(thundering percussion music playing)

Why do all your presentations end with that black kid holding a feather?

I knew you'd ask. Witness...

Oh, no please!

Don't show it! Don't show it again!

Look, Emma, you are smart and resourceful and maybe starting your own religion, but you need to start taking work more seriously.

You're better than this.

So I'm not getting a promotion?

Jack: No!

You're getting a warning.

Look, Emma, you are not irreplaceable, so shape up.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, come on, Jack. You need to give these kids more credit.

I just printed a printer.

And then I'm going to print another printer.

And then that printer will print another printer.

(elevator dings)

Hey, Esther, how you doing?

It turns out I'm not allergic to wool.

It's the sheep's saliva!

Okeydokey!

Well, everybody's here, so it can't be a meeting.

Emma quit, Jack.

"Big news, fam.

"I'm officially working @Scroll_Daily.

@OutdoorLimitsMag #BoyBye."

You drove away the best thing that never happened to me.

Hold me back.

Hold me back.

(eagle screeches)

(phone ringing)

I can't believe Emma left without saying goodbye.

Just like my mom's ex, Matteo.

I guess calling him "Papa" after their third date was just a little to soon for him.

It's always sad when a member of the team departs.

Except Vince.

Vince was a turd.

We all miss Emma, but it's not our fault that she bailed when she didn't get the raise that she didn't earn.

God forbid a millennial work more than eight hours.

Both: You're extending our work hours?

Look, Jack, Emma was in charge of sponsored content for the entire gear issue.

Without her driving traffic to the site, we'll lose money.

Brooke, relax, we'll be fine.

Heidi Klum and Seal here could do Emma's job.

Sorry, Jack, but between the gear reviews and the panda mating story, we're slammed.

Just like that panda was.

Nice!

Nice!

Look, since Emma's "#BoyBye" tweet, we've lost nearly all of her followers, and our page views are plummeting.

Fine, I'll do Emma's job.

Problem solved.

And I'll help you.

Can't wait to get my-my sleeves rolled up and down into the... updating the sub-read it?

Reddit.

Jack: All we need is a quick tutorial from Crockett and Tubbs here.

I'll take Instagram, you take Twitter.

All we're missing is her vocal fry.

(with vocal fry): Oh, Roland, you're so old. I can't even.

(with vocal fry): Oh, Jack, literally, how dare you?

Both (vocal fry): Ahhhhh.

Instagram is easy, Jack.

All right, let's try this again.

What do you think your username is?

Wait, my username is different from my email address, right?

(sighs)

(patronizing): Do you think they're the same?

Do you think one punch from me could collapse your lung?

Because I think it would.

Look, Mason, my first-ever tweet.

Roland, I told you you're only allowed 140 characters.

Oh, no, there's only two characters... a salty sea captain and the mermaid who let him believe.

There's a lot of different filters to choose from.

The Clark on the left... happy vibes.

He just came home from apple picking.

But the Clark on the right... oh, no, he's a bad boy.

He's from the wrong side of the tracks.

What the hell are you talking about? There's no difference.

What do you mean? It's easy.

You know what? Your mom's easy.

(shocked gasp)

I got this. Roland, come on!

Okay, let's see what's next on Emma's extensive task sheet.

"Post pic of camping lamp."

Oh, man, how am I gonna...

(phone camera clicks)

...done.

Uh, I want a raise.

I'm going to say, this tweeting is ridiculously easy.

You know, in my day, sending a quick memo was quite a lengthy process, let me tell you.

You had to call in the secretary, you had to dictate to the secretary.

You slept with the secretary.

You got blackmailed by the secretary.

You had to buy a two-bedroom hush condo for the secretary.

I hate to criticize my hero, but Jack's Instagram game is hot garbage.

I mean, look, he just wrote out the words "hashtag lamp"... oh, and he misspelled the word "lamp."

Mason: Oh, my God.

And check it out... Roland confused Google and Twitter again.

"Who was the third Batman?"

"Was Bruce Willis ever Batman?"

Clark: "Who was the best Batman?"

"Dame Judy Dench bikini."

Can you imagine what Emma would say about all this?

(chuckles) She'd be all like, "Durr."

(both laughing)

Both: I miss her.

And then your secretary turns up 18 years later at your door with a strapping young man who does look remarkably like one, and then... well, I suppose my point is sending a memo used to be much harder.

Yeah.

Hey, Regis and Kathie Lee.

We just crushed Emma's to-do list.

We're going to go celebrate with a drink.

Roland, shall we?

Yes, I'm just going to Google something quickly.

Mm-hmm. "Private mode...

Maggie Smith bikini."

(glasses clink)

Since you guys are now social influencers, mind helping me come up with a new theme for my bar?

What's wrong with, "No one will find me here"?

My Yelp rating has really gotten k*lled since that thumb made a cameo in my chili fries.

Oh, as if we haven't all eaten part of a person before.

My only option is to rebrand.

So I'm thinking...

Magic!

You know, I dabble in magic. (gasps)

Hey, what's that behind your ear?

Bankruptcy.

Nice!

Nice!

Just pick a card.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying something new.

Why is everyone ganging up on Eddie today?

I'm talking about these two.

What are you doing in a bar when you said you'd take care of Emma's work?

Relax, we totally covered Emma's daily deliverables.

Oh, no, that was her list of hourly deliverables.

Do these sound like sponsored tweets to you?

"'Blinded by the Light' lyrics."

"Angela Lansbury hot."

Did you confuse Google and Twitter again?

Hoo boy.

Look... Jack, we're up against a deadline here.

We promised 40,000 click- throughs to Kirkwood Lamps and all you did was post a blurry picture of something I really hope was a finger.

Hoo boy.

We are in serious danger of losing a sponsor here.

You clearly can't do Emma's job, so you better find someone who can.

(makes "pfft" sound with lips)

(coughs)

That was my card!

Welcome to Abraca-Eddie's!

We need 40,000 click-throughs.

I'm up to 300.

How about you?

I don't know.

My phone won't turn on.

We have to find a replacement for Emma.

Do you think I could buy one at Urban Outfitters?

If it helps, my niece Maybelle graduated top of her class from business school.

She's professional as hell and huge on social media.

Well, why isn't she helping you here then?

Because she thinks magic is dumb.

So, she's a genius.

I don't care how it happened, Sebastian, you just get it done, you hear me?

Send text.

Oh, my God, did they hire an evil Brooke?

This must be Clark and Mason.

Guys, I'm going to need more content to promote.

We have a Dropbox full of content.

Maybelle: Which I went through by 7:30.

Then I printed a right-foot Yeezy.

Oh...

Girl, this is a hiking boot.

Jack: Brooke, you told me to replace Emma and Maybelle is the best...

Wharton School, quarter of a million followers, and when she talks about the dumb stuff we do, (whispering): it doesn't sound dumb.

Rest assured, by end of day today, I will leverage our core capabilities to optimize page views.

Outdoor Limits will have more followers than ever.

I also brought in homemade cookies, and, yes, I will judge you if you eat them.

See, Brooke? That's how you manage an office.

My hire, your hires.

Yes, all right, I will admit she's more professional, but those are some pretty big promises.

I know this is a lot to process, so let me put it in terms you can understand.

Then sort of a high whistle, followed by a scream, and then a wet thud.

And there you go, that's how you know the panda reached completion.

Oh, Emma, it's not the same without you.

Clark: Yeah, I miss your sarcasm, your monotone voice, how you take off Jewish holidays even though, I mean, come on.

I miss you guys too, but it's amazing at Scroll.

I got a title bump and a raise.

Wow, that sounds so cool.

Plus, I don't have a boss like Jack pestering me to "become a better writer" and to "watch the original RoboCop."

So, what do they have you doing?

All sorts of dope stuff that Jack would never let us do.

I just compiled a list of their best lists.

Oh, yeah, I read the top ten top eight lists.

It was dope.

Yeah, I think it's one of our best best lists lists.

Sucks you're not with us, but seems like you really like it at Scroll.

I love it at Scroll.

(Clears throat)

Uh, Eddie, I ordered a hot dog.

Check your hood.

Ohh!

Whoa!

Abraca-Eddie's.

Mason: Hate to admit it, but Maybelle's crushing it.

Our followers and page views are through the roof.

I know this is out of character for me to say, but I wanted to tell you all as a team: I did a great job.

So you've seen the numbers, and I'm sure you're very pleased with yourselves.

Yes, you'll have to admit Maybelle delivered the goods.

Oh, yeah, she delivered the goods all right.

And now we're losing our sponsors.

Would you like to see what she did?

Oh!

Oh, like you don't get naked in a tent.

Oh, like you don't get naked at a public climbing wall.

Oh, like you don't defrost your nipples with... okay, I can't defend that.

I've ruined the magazine. Help.

I thought you said she went to business school.

Jack: She did, and now I can take a pretty good guess how she paid off her student loans.

Yeah, she clearly assessed the market and found a very effective outreach strategy.

Yep, one that involves her butt!

Nice!

Nice!

Look, REI, North Face, and even Gerry's Frisbees have pulled out.

In fact, Gerry himself emailed me and said, "Nobody catches a frisbee like that."

Yes, but our Maybelle doesn't play by other people's rules, does she?

Yeah, so my hire works, your hire... twerks.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

Emma's not coming back.

I don't know, I think she might.

Clark, she said she loves her job.

Guys, I have studied Emma.

Like, I have really studied Emma.

What?

No, it's not creepy.

I just, like, watch her a lot.

Like all the time when she's not aware of it.

Don't make it weird.

Anyways, when we were hanging at Abraca-Eddie's, I got the vibe that she's not as happy at Scroll as she said she is.

Well, I hope you're right.

Brooke, Roland, let's go convince Emma to come back.

And file a restraining order against Clark.

Yeah.

We'll go with you.

No, no, no. You guys clear all this off and then call Instagram and have them destroy all the negatives.

Jack, that's not how Instagram works.

(yelling): All the negatives!

(elevator dings)

Ah, don't worry, my dears.

We'll soon get Emma back once I've spoken to the head of this company, mogul to mogul.

And if she signed a contract, I shall simply ask, "How much for the girl?"

Perfect. Don't change a word.

Oh, my God.

It's like someone fed our office after midnight.

Uh, you, Miss...

...ter.

Um, where's your CEO?

We don't have a hierarchal management structure here.

Oh, good Lord.

Well-well, who has the biggest car?

That would be Colin. He started the company.

Take a right at the non-gender-specific bathroom past the meditation den.

If you hit the Twizzler bar, just don't.

Uh, hello.

Hi, do you know where Emma sits?

Who?

Emma.

Social influencer. She started this week.

Sir, I have neither the time nor the patience for your mansplaining.

(Chuckles) Look, I get it.

Can I just say hi to your really cute dog?

Oh, my gosh, he's so cute.

Find Emma or I will feed him affordable dog food.

Monster.

(loudspeaker beeps)

Woman (over loudspeaker): The 5:30 tumbling class is now starting in the body awareness space.

How are they our competitor? No one does any work.

(Scoffs) Competitor?

Scroll is one of the biggest online publications out there.

We're not even in the same league as them.

I guess the modern workplace has changed and transformed into a Swedish Dave & Buster's.

Everything has changed.

Do you know that we do 60% of our recruitment in skate parks?

That's terrifying.

(Sighs)

Maybe you do know what you're doing.

So, here, have a dog.

Your Emma will be right out.

And I'm taking Jonathan.

What are you guys doing here?

They just pulled me out of conflict resolution karaoke.

Emma, over the last couple days I have learned how good you are at your job.

And how hard it is.

Yeah, he learned that by hiring an Insta-ho.

Oh, I saw.

That ass, though.

That ass, though.

Emma, I'm out of apology pugs, but I still want to say I'm sorry.

Please come back.

(Sighs)

Brooke: Though, unfortunately we can't offer you a raise yet, but we can once you've been here a year.

I don't know.

Will you still be a hard-ass who pushes me to do better?

Let me tell you what I tell all women: I don't think I can change.

Okay, let's go home.

Really?

Yeah.

Making dumb lists all day helped me realize my top three favorite things about Outdoor Limits: doing something I care about, that IT guy who looks like Whoopi Goldberg, and you guys, my fam.

Aww!

Aww!

(Chuckles)

(quietly): "Fam" means "family," right?

Yeah.

Oh, Emma, that's good.

Well, I never did find Colin, but I found the Twizzler bar.

And I had this dragon painted on my face.

Look! So...

Jack: Let's go, guys. Traffic is terrible.

All their moms are circling in minivans.

Oh, and @emma, one more thing.

(gasps)

You get it.

I don't get it.

At all.