01x04 - Episode 4

Just a little gift for later.

It's for $30,000.

[Sputters]

Mitchell: I was gonna wait till the baby was born, but I thought maybe you could use it now to get set up.

Meredith: It's nothing to Mitchell.

That's not the point.

I don't wanna be 30 grand in debt to your ex-boyfriend!

You were out of home at 17, Dad. I'm 31.

It's a very different circumstance, mate.

Are we seriously becoming the family that has to convince our mother that her Botox is OK?

I have got to move out.

Simone: I think I've met the one. Which is the everything part.

I can't stop thinking about him.

You're working with him.

Suss him out, tell me what you think.

You hot for him or something?

What?

You heard me.

No.

You are.

I am not!

Jack was just a total hero with Eric, and now I'm rethinking our compatibility levels.

I think they might be as high as 70%.

Oh, my God.

Honestly, I thought it was funny. I didn't give it a second thought.

It's just Simone's my best friend...

Look, Simone and I, whatever happens between us is completely separate to you and I.

[Phone rings]

Oh!

Simone...

Oh, no.

Take it! Yep, t-t-take... Do-don't mention anything about me.

OK, I'm here, where are you?

Simone: The station, outside the station.

OK, there are four different exits to the station, so which one do you think you might...

Um, I've forgotten how to breathe.

OK, you're definitely breathing, Simone.

Breathe. Tell me what you can see.

Uh, buildings...

People and cars...

OK, can you drop a pin for me?

Go into your maps...

My phone's not working...

You're speaking on it, Simone! You're speaking on it!

Water! Flowing water! I'm in it.

OK!

Lil! Oh, my God. I can't believe you're here.

Hang on.

What are the odds, huh?

You, and me and the fountain.

Just stay there.

[Yelps]

It's OK, I've got you. [Whimpers]

[Slurps]

Ugh. [Knocking on door]

You wanted to see me? What's wrong?

This Saturday, my sister's getting married in the Barossa Valley, and I'm a bridesmaid.

Lovely.

It's not.

It's offensive on a number of levels, but it's good for you because I want you to call the show.

Really? Are you... are you sure?

I'm not...

No. Do not hesitate.

Something like this happens, you've gotta grab it with both hands.

We're going again. Lily, could you call the show Saturday?

Just first, has this been run by Eric?

Last chance! Lily, this Saturday, could you...

I would love to call the show this Saturday.

I believe I'm ready and I will not let you down.

You better not.

[Sighs]

Now what are you doing? Get working.

This is make or break.

Yes, sorry.

Mmm, oh. [Coughs]

Mmm, oh. [Coughs]

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

[Laughs]

Oh. What do we even call your job now?

It's still the same job, Simone, it's just one show.

Yeah, but it's a big step, right?

Big-ish.

Well, get changed because I called Jack and Vincent and we are going to Mister Nicol's.

What? No, I'm not going anywhere.

But it's your big night!

I will celebrate on Saturday night, if it's a success.

What is that?

Your number one outfit select.

I also have second, third and fourth options.

Please. Do it for Vincent.

[Groans]

He said if he doesn't get a night away from your mother, he might literally explode.

I said he could stay over.

Oh...

Also, Jack's coming, and I really need this to go well, because he said that he wanted to have dinner and a chat.

What's wrong with that? That sounds good.

I'm bad with dinner and chats.

The best times with me and Jack have been at parties.

I just wanna get back to that cool Simone, queen of celebration, who's really amazing with her paralysed friend.

I think that will fix it.

OK, I will come for one drink, but I'm not staying all night and...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I-I-I've not finished that.

Yeah, I think I should get you a fresh one.

I know you think I'm a dickhead.

I don't.

A financial dickhead.

Maybe.

But can you just give me a year?

Give me a year to make the money myself. If I can, great.

If I can't, then Mitchell's offer will still be there.

[Phone rings] Who's that?

Ah, it's Simone.

Lily's had some career thing, they're just having drinks.

And you'd rather be there than here, arguing over finances?

What? No, I love finances!

You can go out with your friends, Pete. It's OK.

And you can have nine months.

Nine months?

To try and get it together financially.

But if we still need more...

Then we can surgically remove my ball sack.

Oh, please, don't say that.

Then I'll go to Mitchell and I'll accept his offer gratefully.

OK? Promise.

Good.

[Gasps] Oh, my clever girl!

No, not that clever yet.

Hopefully the cleverness will happen on Saturday.

Oh. Oh, I've got that.

No, Mum, it's fine. I've got it.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

I can... I can take it.

Darling, just while I've got you...

She is caving my head in.

Promise me you won't let him get too drunk.

Mum, I think his goal for the night is to get drunk. He'll be fine.

Go.

Alright. Alright.

Don't forget to turn him, if he's been drinking heavily.

Mum, I won't forget. Go.

[Rock music plays]

So, basically, you're set for life?

It's one show. And I could completely stuff it up!

I could be unemployed on Sunday.

You know you won't.

And how did he react?

The chef? Did he give you a bit of congratulations?

He was super-professional.

Mmm-hmm.

That's how we are now.

Well done.

I'm assuming I come to you for a raise now?

[Chuckles]

[Snorts]

So, no residue from your little moment, then?

Shut up!

What? She can't hear.

There was no moment.

OK?

OK.

Simone is completely paranoid he's gonna break it off with her.

Is he?

How would I know?

Because of you?

No!

We're not talking about this anymore.

OK.

Let's do you.

OK, well, in light of the 30 grand offer the other night, Meredith decided we needed to talk about money...

[Sobs]

No, no, I've got... I've got...

Look, I mean, this isn't everything, obviously.

I've got super accounts. Heaps of them.

[Sobs]

So, I thought, OK, I'm just gonna double down with the writing.

It's 1,500 words, rapping in an Australian accent.

Is there a cringe factor? Why?

Boy bands of the '80s? Where are they now?

Rehab? Reality TV? Total obscurity? Who knows?

It's the day of the gig, track the band dawn till dawn, from sound check to groupie three-ways.

Probably not literally.

I had one of my best days ever. I sold three articles.

But that only amounted to $802, so basically I'm 20 bucks away from either, A, letting my girlfriend's ex pay for my child or, B, begging Bernard the Cock for a job.

What about C, you go out and get a normal job, like a normal person?

Thanks for that insight, Lil.

You're welcome.

Knew you'd be understanding.

I am understanding! Pete, you are normal.

Remember to inhale. Remember to inhale.

Oh, my God, he is gorgeous. You're making me nervous.

Is that dimple real, or is that surgically enhanced?

I'm not playing. You need to learn to be quiet.

I'm a bit nervous.

It's a real dimple, actually.

Hey.

Hey.

Lil. I didn't realise we were all going to be here.

Really? I thought Sim would have told you...

This is Pete!

I have heard so much about you.

You're basically all we talk about.

What?

Yeah, no, totally.

Like, I'd say three conversations a day, minimum.

He's just being weird.

Don't be weird. Ah!

[Laughter] Sorry, Pete, was it?

Yep, yep.

How do you know Simone?

I'm sure that I've spoken to you about Pete before!

Um, remember when I was telling you the...

Mmm? Uh, just so many times!

I can't think of one specific thing!

Too many.

Basically, whenever I speak about my friend, I mean Pete.

Let's dance!

Have fun. Get stuck into it.

'Bye.

OK, first discovery. I mean nothing to you.

Second, they are totally on the rocks.

And third, it's definitely because of you.

[Sighs]

I just thought it was going to be the two of us tonight.

Oh, it was.

But then Lily's job thing happened, so I thought... celebration!

I do have to work tomorrow, so probably can't stay out all that long.

Jack... are you not that into this?

What?

'Cause I'm... really into you.

Like, the other day I realised we don't actually have a picture together.

I didn't actually Photoshop one, but...

That's where I'm at, but I feel like you're not there.

It's just been so hectic with the restaurant and the show.

You know what? I think we need to sit down and have a proper chat.

A chat?

I reckon you should come around to mine tomorrow, I'll cook dinner and we can talk, just the two of us.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Lily: Maybe he was just tired?

I feel that. I respect that.

He only stayed for 15 minutes.

It was over an hour.

And he invited you over to have dinner with him tomorrow night.

That's great.

He wants to end it with dinner.

Like the mafia.

No.

And the mafia would do it in a restaurant.

I think that you and I should just get out there, dance till dawn, make it the best night in forever, and make everyone in this bar jealous of us.

Or, alternatively, we go home, we put on our PJ's, we stick on 'Spice World', and we crack into the ice-cream.

Hah! [Laughs]

No. Come on. Let's go.

[Groans]

I think I actually left the ice-cream out in preparation, so it...

Hey! Baby!

[Laughs] Hey!

You came!

[Whispers] God, you texted Lucas already?

I just... he makes me feel good about myself.

That's what he does.

I'm not gonna sleep with him.

You always sleep with him.

Lillinator!

Hi.

Looking fine tonight. This cocktail, yours?

Don't mention it.

Uh, no, really, I won't.

Baby, baby, what's wrong?

I'm fine. I just... I want to dance.

Well, come on, baby, on the floor!

Come on, baby, on the floor! Come on, baby, on the floor!

Just stay out of it, Lillinator.

I am out of it.

Yep, so is he.

Feel bad kicking you out of your bed on your night of glory.

The glory faded long ago.

So, who is she officially screwing, Jack or Lucas?

It's alright, I've got it.

Uh, officially Jack. Unofficially Lucas.

Right. Do either of them know?

No-one knows.

Presumably Simone does.

Oh, Simone is across it, yes.

Lil, um, I've gotta get out of mum's place.

I love her, but she's draining my will to live.

You comfy?

Snug as a bug in a waterproof rug.

Night.

Night, Lil.

[Alarm blares]

♪ ['Catastrophe' by Yumi Zouma] ♪

Song: ♪ love me like you should ♪
♪ you know I never could ♪
♪ I'm better now, it's minimal ♪
♪ show me all your fears as we wait for this to clear... ♪

Shh. Stay asleep. Stay asleep.

♪ But no-one seems to notice, though... ♪

Good morning.

Morning.

Did you get my email?

Yeah, I liked the second idea. The 15-minute challenge.

Great, yeah, every time we've done a time challenge, it's played really well on screen.

How did Simone go last night?

Um, in what sense?

She seemed a bit down.

Um, yeah. She perked up.

So, I was thinking we could split the segment in two.

Did you guys stay out late last night?

No, no, we got home, it would have been shortly after midnight.

[Phone rings]

Excuse me.

[Quietly] Hello?

Simone: I can't feel my nostrils.

What? Where are you?

I can't feel my nostrils and I can't breathe.

OK, just tell me where you are.

I don't know.

Lucas left. I'm so hot!

OK, are you outside? Can you see a street sign or something?

Uh, I can see... the station.

Yeah, the station near the club.

OK, OK.

Stay put. I'm coming to you.

Everything OK?

Yeah, I've, um...

I've just got a bit of a family emergency.

Who?

It's, um... it's a mum and Vincent thing. I'm sure it's fine.

Need me to give you a lift?

No. You stay here.

Can you just pick a recipe that fits, and I'll be back in half an hour?

[Sighs] Let me know if I can help.

Oh!

Lil!

Hi.

Oh, my God! I can't believe you're here!

Hang on.

What are the odds, huh?

You and me and the fountain.

OK, hang on.

[Yelps]

Come on. Come on. Hey.

Oh.

[Whimpers]

Can you remember what you took?

No, I was so hot, and I couldn't breathe, and everyone had left, you know?

Yeah.

[Sobs] Come on.

Come on, we'll get you looked at, honey. Come on.

Don't worry.

Alright, I gotcha.

You look really tired, babe. You OK?

I'm fine.

Nothing to see here.

Nice deep breath in.

[Inhales]

And out. [Exhales]

And in. [Inhales]

Good. And out. [Exhales]

See, you're nailing it.

You won't even have to think about it in a minute.

So she's OK?

Yeah, she's dehydrated, but her temperature's fine.

You did really well, cooling off in the fountain.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Is it safe to leave her alone?

Yeah, I can look after her.

[Sighs]

Bless you.

Come on.

One more sip.

Everything OK?

Yeah. It was a... it's fine. All fine. Yeah.

Sasha was looking for you. I said you were on a call.

Thanks.

[Knocking]

[Sighs] First curve ball. There's a problem. With Eric.

He doesn't want me to call the show?

No, no. You're fine this week. It's Erica.

He's concerned that Erica has been looking smarter than him on air.

In the Talking Point segment?

Started with that, yeah.

Eric, where do you stand on constitutional acknowledgement?

Well, I-I...

I concur.

With me? Or with the current wording of the preamble?

Both.

Sasha: Then in the Entertainment Round-Up, she corrected his pronunciation.

Now, believe it or not, it's 30 years since the release of 'Whispering Jack'.

No?! It is. I know, I can't believe it.

Farnsie's se-my-nal album...

Seminal.

I think the word's 'seminal'.

[Chuckles]

Sasha: Then she laughed in his face...

Look, I'm sorry, I really am, but a responsible parent immunises their child.

I mean, I am just so sick of these anti-vasectomy people.

[Snickers]

[Laughs]

Eric wants a brain, which is something we'll have to outsource.

So I've told him we'll stick some brainiac on the mic, feed him stats, facts, gags, whatever he wants.

Can one of us do that, or do we need to get...?

You'll be too busy. He doesn't like Dale.

And Nikkii... can't do it, for obvious reasons.

What? You thinking of someone?

They should be good at massaging egos as well.

How much money would we be offering?

I'm conflicted. I feel flattered that you're asking, because I'm possibly the smartest person you know.

Not the reason.

But then I feel a little...

What? Grateful? Thankful? Excited?

It's not exactly my area, Lily.

Pete, I thought you were saying you were in some sort of financial crisis?

How many days are we talking?

Well, Saturday would be a trial.

But if it worked, potentially every Saturday and Sunday.

And you'd be my boss?

Yes, on Saturday.

After that, not your boss, but your superior.

The dynamic should feel familiar.

Pete, what is there to think about?

I would still like to work in an area that I'm actually interested in, you know?

Just so we're clear, you'd rather risk your baby starving to death than take this job?

[Camera clicks]

What was that?

I just wanted to record the moment that you used the potential death of my baby to win an argument.

Well... there is a record of the disdain you displayed when I put myself on the line to get you employment.

That's you being ridiculously inflammatory to win an argument.

Oh, no, wait. That's you every day.

Pete, are you interested or not?

Uh...

Can I have a day to think about it?

You can have 12 hours, max. That's to think about it.

But I suggest you spend longer thinking about your behaviour here today.

[Camera clicks]

Inflammatory.

Song: ♪ what we'll do ♪
♪ regret the past ♪
♪ and cling to it ♪
♪ remember that ♪
♪ none of that is real. ♪

I really like it.

I just feel like it's getting a bit... intelligent.

I love that that's become a derogatory term.

It's the talking point segment. It's meant to be vaguely intelligent.

Personally, I'd swap it out for Summer Accessories.

Ooh. I really like Summer Accessories too.

I mean, summer accessories is a proven winner.

But, hey, if you wanna use your one chance for some kamikaze talk-fest, well, I do respect your bravery.

Jack: Lily, can I speak to you?

Just a sec.

I just spoke to Simone.

Yesterday, I asked you, specifically, did Simone get home OK?

You said yes.

I know, but I...

Why would you ever say someone's safe and sound, when they haven't even come home yet?

She's fine. I just checked on her.

I'm sorry. I didn't think it was my place to say anything.

Who's this Lucas?

Oh. Oh.

Can we talk about this later?

You obviously know him.

Lucas is... he's Simone's ex.

And she seems to call him whenever she gets vulnerable.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

I thought everything was off with them, and it's never really been on, not in a meaningful way.

It's always just been about s*x.

She didn't mention anything about s*x.

So, not only did you neglect to tell me she had a drug problem, you also failed to mention she was screwing someone else.

I told Simone to talk to you about this, I... [sighs]

What was I supposed to do? She's my best friend.

She asked me not to say anything.

I couldn't betray my friend.

I mean, I need the work, but I don't wanna give up on all my dreams.

Mmm. Nah, dreams are good, mate.

I know.

Those are bloody important.

Exactly.

'Course, Lily's right, your dreams are on ice now.

What?

Yeah.

Will be for the next 20 years, at least.

Then when you thaw them out, they're not gonna look the same, I'll tell you what.

Hang on, you were fulfilled, though, weren't you?

When I was a kid. You loved playing footy.

Yeah, that was till you were three.

Then it was slogging away, managing the surf club.

Oh, how low's the bar? Exactly how bad is this job?

Well, it'd be writing patter, basically, for this one host, and it'd take up all the weekend.

How much?

500 a day.

1,000 bucks a week? Writing for telly?

You get to keep your hands clean and your pants on?

Well...

You're a bloody dickhead, mate.

I haven't said no, I just... I don't wanna make any sudden choices and...

You're done making choices, you were done making choices the second that baby started growing in Lily's belly.

Meredith, Dad. It's Meredith's belly.

It's all on one level, bathroom and kitchen need updating, but we'd have to do that anyway, and what about the area?

You are unbelievable.

What?

I'm not buying the house across the road.

Why not? Darling, it makes perfect sense.

You can have your independence, and I'm right over there if you need me.

But I don't need you. I don't need you, Mum!

That's the point. It's not just my independence.

I wanna live my life without you being across every step I take.

Lily: Mum, I think Vincent's just trying to say that he's 31 years old and he needs his privacy.

What for?

Vincent: What for?

Maybe I wanna watch p0rn!

Oh.

No, I already watch it. All the time.

OK, calm down.

But it's not satisfying.

'Cause I gotta keep a bloody hand on the door the whole time.

Maybe we can set up a system.

Vincent: What happens if I wanna bring someone home?

That's ridiculous, of course you can bring all your friends home.

Not friends, Mum. Women.

What happens if I want to bring a woman home for the sole purpose of having outrageous porn-inspired s*x?

Well, sweetheart, I don't really think that's on the cards, is it?

Lily: Mum. You know that that is entirely possible.

I'm just being realistic.

I know that one day you'll find a gorgeous...

Oh, for f*ck's sake, I am so sick of you.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sick of you.

You're sick of me?

Yes!

You're sick of me?

Just what exactly are you sick of, Vincent?

Is it the three meals a day? The round-the-clock care?

The daily massages? What exactly are you sick of?

I wake up and all I can hear every morning is your voice, your nagging voice, all day, every day.

I have no idea how Dad stayed so long with you, I honestly don't.

Vincent, shut up. That's enough.

No, no!

I don't know how to get it through to you.

I'm not your project, Mum! Get a bloody hobby and leave me alone!

Feel better?

Mum.

Mum!

Where are you going?

Mum, are you OK?

He hates me.

No, he doesn't hate you.

No, he just... he's got so much frustration in him.

He doesn't know where to put it all.

He's gone home now, so just leave him alone for a little while to calm down.

I know I should be grateful that he didn't die.

And I am, of course I am.

And I know it makes me selfish and greedy and pitiful, but... I miss my boy.

I miss the way he was.

What kind of a mother does that make me?

An honest one.

What if I let him go and he gets even more hurt?

He could, Mum. But so could I. So could any of us.

[Sobs]

You can't protect him forever.

Hey. You've gotta let him move out, Mum.

Yeah.

Ah.

Come on.

Yeah, I responded to that email.

They think it's gonna be too political, but it won't be.

The tone will be upbeat and energetic.

Yep. Hey, can I call you back in a little bit? Thanks. Thanks.

So, I've, ah... I've been thinking about your offer, your very kind offer.

Have you also been reflecting on your personal conduct?

Greatly, and not just my conduct for yesterday, but for all the years that I've known you.

And what conclusions have you drawn?

Well, the main takeaways are that you've always been right, about everything.

And that everyone in my life, your life, possibly the entire planet, would be greatly improved if everyone just listened to you all along.

So, is the job still on offer?

Pete, tomorrow is the biggest day of my career to date.

I know.

If you f*ck it up, I will kill you.

Will you support my baby after my death?

Maybe.

Mightn't be such a bad outcome.

[Alarm]

Oh my God, do you ever sleep.

I can't even comprehend how nervous you must be.

Lily here's the breakdown.

It's going to be a great show.

Fantastic.

Hey. I'd give you a hug, but probably wouldn't be appropriate, eh?

Hi.

Did you get the email?

Yep.

Have you read the breakdown?

Yes.

Just remind me, which host is he again?

I'm just kidding.

Today I'm not gonna laugh at your jokes, Pete.

Sound like a challenge.

No, it's not a challenge.

Really?

Shut up.

You OK?

Yeah.

You seem stressed.

You must be Eric's brain.

Ah, Pete.

Nice to meet you Pete.

You too.

Where is Syria?

Uh, the Middle East.

Ah it borders the Mediterranean Sea, Turkey, Lebanon, Israel, Iraq and...

Jordan. Why is dredging problematic?

Uh, it obliterates the sea bed floor, it kills marine wildlife, it's a major threat to the Great Barrier Reef.

What year did Eric win the Gold Logie?

Ah!

Alas, that's probably the only answer you need to know.

Good luck.

You'll be fine.

What year was it?

[Knock at door]

Yeah.

Hi, Eric, I just wanted to introduce you to Pete Barnett.

He is going to be working with you today.

Ah, yes of course welcome, come on in, please take a seat.

Thanks.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

First foray into the televisual world then?

Ah yeah it is.

All a bit overwhelming I imagine.

Ah!

You know what the biggest challenge is going to be just keeping up with me to be honest.

Right. Well any advice you can give is more than welcome.

Well, first and foremost: do not repeat, do not try to imitate me.

My speech pattern, my rhythm.

If you will and honestly save yourself the heartache.

In other words do not try to write "Eric gags".

Oh right, I sorta thought that was the general idea.

It's no no no no no no...

No.

That's that's what I do.

Great OK.

Pete, you feed me the data.

The facts, the stats, the who, the where, the what, the why.

You bring me the world.

I put it through the magic Eric filter add the funny and... [snaps finger and claps] spin it into gold.

Brilliant.

Absolutely.

And welcome back...

Well, have you heard of cosmetic...

Gareth: We're coming back to him on camera two, so ready and...

What about the Brazilian butt lift?

Camera 2. On one.

I know, right.

Coming up soon we'll hear about the latest and strangest cosmetic surgery fads...

Cosmetic surgery actually went up 10% this last year alone.

But first, Erica?

Cross to Erica.

Camera 3.

It's the controversial report that has everyone talking.

The Dalgaard Foundation released a paper this week listing some benefits for children raised by same s*x couples.

And...into the package.

It's our Talking Point this morning.

Woman: "A ground breaking study has found that children of same s*x parents actually... "

Eric: Great, can we...

Pete, Pete, I think Eric wants you quickly on the floor.

Eric: Paul? What's his name, Pete?

I can almost sniff a Walkley, but it's consumed by the aroma of Red Carpet Round-Ups and Home-Shopping Bargains.

Hey, sorry about that last stat before.

It's fine. It's all fine.

I could use a bit, a bit of...

What's that?

Substance. Detail, seasoning...

All of that. All of that. All of that.

All right. Sorry, sorry.

[Narrator] According to experts, gay couples are generally better prepared to have children and...

So, how... how's it going?

[Narrator] This is a stark contrast...

Same as all the other shows.

I don't know if that's a good thing.

Alice: Two minutes till the cooking segment.

Jack, 2 minutes. You all good?

[Jack] Yep.

OK, in 5, 4, 3, 2.

Well some food for thought there. What's your take on it Eric?

Well I've gotta say, as a devoted dad myself...

Oh God, brace yourself.

I get why people are uncomfortable with a report that well kinda brushes fathers to the side a bit, doesn't it?

The report is about same s*x parents of both genders.

I realise that.

So in some cases, families who have not one but two fathers.

But I think you'll find... it's predominantly lesbians, Erica.

Pete: Over a third of lesbians are parents versus 1-in-10 gay men.

As a matter of fact, I think you'll find that a third of lesbians in Australia have children as opposed to just 1-in-10 gay men.

That's a pretty big difference, Erica.

That's a pretty big difference.

It's getting a bit not fun.

No, it's good.

OK, Sasha would probably be stepping in, but whatever.

And ultimately what we're talking about here is a generation of kids who don't have fathers.

Eric, that's a ridiculous exaggeration.

Listen, don't get me wrong, I love gay people.

[Erica interrupts] That's a good start, go on...

If I could just get half a sentence out, Erica.

I'd be going to Jack but... Just saying.

I love gay people, I love their children and I support them.

I will go to their parties, I will pose with their selfies...

Great, I'm sure they're thrilled by that.

You know what, I will never say...

That kids that grow up without a dad aren't disadvantaged.

OK Eric, bring it down.

Oh look I'm sorry I am, but they are, it's a compromise and those children are compromised.

Actually if you look at any academic study in the scientific journals then that's not true.

Erica, we're gonna just...

Oh my God!

Really?

Uh?

Come on, this... this is not like all the other shows.

Eric?

Mature response, very professional.

Eric? The camera is still on you. I need you to fill.

You need to fill. You're still on screen.

You could just say, uh...

You know what?

[Yells] Fine!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

What's the call?

Um...

Go to Jack.

No we can't go to Jack. He doesn't have anyone to talk to.

Where is the back up package?

I have David Hasselhoff's obituary.

He's not dead yet. Go to a commercial.

It's too soon.

Upstairs is ringing.

We could be doing Summer Accessories right now.

Lily, I need a decision. What are we throwing to?

Throw to Hamilton. Hamilton, I need you to pad for 2 minutes.

We'll bring the weather forward.

Well, hello.

Good morning.

You know I often get asked, "hey Hamilton, when'd your love affair with meteorology begin?".

Let me take you back to 1987.

Hum... Stormy day, very cumulus clouds around and there was a little clap of thunder.

OK forget the pad, forget the pad. Forecast and break.

Let's forget about that.

I'm gonna talk to Erica.

I mean I was just feeding statistics from the report.

Yes and I needed statistics to support my argument. Support.

Seriously mate, if it were me I'd just apologise.

Really?

I'm not the one that stormed out off set. Well not first.

You know what... I, I, I... you're not really getting the brief here mate.

[Sighs]

Are you OK?

[Door closes]

Sorry, Lily.

No no, don't apologise please.

[Coughs] So what's next?

Jack in the kitchen?

Yeah, we're on a break and then it will be Jack in the kitchen unless...

Do you want an opportunity to respond to what just happened?

Not with Eric no.

No no. No no no.

You tell me what you'd be comfortable with.

I mean I have some points I wanted to make.

Oh. I just don't want to do a monologue down the camera.

What if it was a conversation?

They won't like it... Upstairs.

I'm happy to own it.

OK, who would I be speaking to?

[Door opens and shuts]

OK, before we do the kitchen segment.

I want you to have an on-air discussion with Erica about what just happened.

What?

I want to give her an opportunity to respond, and she'd rather do it as a conversation.

Are you sure we wouldn't be better off just dropping it?

It's clearly very emotional.

It'll be fine. With the two of you, it will be fine, I'm not a host, Lily.

I know that.

But you are more than capable. I will feed you the questions.

I'm just a cooking guy.

Jack, please.

You're all I have right now.

OK.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ten seconds.

OK. Sorry.

Hot Cat-oure, the Adelaide woman who makes formal wear for your cats.

No, we're going to Jack straight after the break.

Camera 2, close on Jack and stay there.

Hey Jack. I need you to get on set and work to camera 2.

Upstairs has already approved Hot Cat-oure.

They were quite firm about it.

We're going to Jack in 4, 3, 2, 1...

Welcome back everyone.

Well welcome back everyone.

We are coming to you 100% live, and as you may have noticed, things haven't gone exactly according to plan...

Good, that's really good.

Just...

Just a few minutes ago, we were in the middle of our talking point segment.

And it got a bit heated.

A bit emotional between our two hosts.

And they both stepped off the stage for a moment.

And just before we go...

Erica's travelling. She just left makeup.

... The things said by our host, Eric, 30 seconds, Jack. or by both our hosts, don't reflect the show or any of us working on it and certainly not me.

And funnily enough, I'm just here to cook a pumpkin feta salad.

She's back, she's on set.

OK, welcome Erica back on set.

So joining me now is our host, Erica.

Firstly Erica, how are you?

I'm fine thank you.

Uh, I'm sorry everyone at home for my sudden departure there.

Obviously we cover a broad range of topics here on the show.

And some of them hit closer to home than I want.

Ask her if she wants to reflect.

Is there anything you'd like to add?

You were a bit cut off there before.

Uh...

I don't generally talk about my private life.

But I am a proud lesbian woman.

[Screeches]

I am in a loving long term relationship.

And I think that is the perspective I brought to the segment earlier.

What is this now? Oprah.

I just want to say that Eric has... has always been incredibly accepting and generous to me and to my partner, to Carol.

I have.

But as someone who is really looking forward to having children some of the things that he said, and I guess his choice of words...

Struck a nerve.

And that's right.

[sniffs]

But don't worry viewers, we'll be fine.

We'll sort it out, cause we always do.

On that matter Erica, can I interest you in a salad?

[Giggles]

You know Jack, I could not think of anything better.

Oh, that is really really good.

[Clapping]

Camera 2.

Oh my God, over feels.

Alright guys. Well what a show.

Are you alright?

Yes. Pretty much everyone I've ever met is messaging me.

What are they saying?

Oh... Congratulations. Why did it take so long? We love you.

[Sniffles]

[Phone ringing]

Oh.

Mum.

Hi.

We are number the number 1, 3 and 8 trends and seriously half of Twitter wants to have Jack's baby.

Do you know where he is?

Here she is. Craig! Hi, I...

Did you make that call back there?

Yes. I thought it was better to stick to the story...

That was a great save, keep it up.

Hey, um...

Obviously we're going to need a full and thorough debrief about today.

Absolutely.

Great.

Also, that Pete fellow, I don't think he's gonna work out.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

He did only say two of the things I suggested in 3 hours.

If it makes you feel better, he has a poor little taste.

But the sad thing is I was kinda drinking the Kool-aid.

Um... Maybe got into the red carpet around...

Shut up!

No I did, I mean you gotta salute the bold colour choice.

And whoever said you can't wear red on a red carpet, that's plain wrong.

Right?

Plus... Watching you, you were kind of electric being the boss.

That was pure panic.

Well, it suits you.

[Phone message]

I just... I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hey.

Ah, it's Nikkii, wasn't it?

You have four different colour tones in your beard.

I've been counting.

[Laughs]

OK...

Coming in?

I just wanted to say well done for today.

[chuckles]

Gotta live TV.

Sink or swim.

You swam.

Thanks to you.

You feel good, you're really good. You should dream big.

Maybe... even bigger than that cooking guy.

Look, just ah... about everything with Simone...

I... you know I want to apologise again for not telling you the truth.

That was, it was inexcusable.

I was angry, I was confused about a lot of things.

I took it out on you and I shouldn't have.

It's all been a bit of a mess, really.

But I want to be honest.

If I'm honest, I've been confused.

By my feelings.

Stop.

Don't.

You're dating Simone.

I am not any more actually.

Oh then really don't.

If you, if you had feelings for me why would you go out with my best friend?

It happened... slowly.

I'm sorry.

Ellen was thin, but, it just wasn't really relevant to her brand.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Yes.

I can't... I can't kiss you back.

[Falling Short by Låpsley]

♪ One month till February ♪
♪ keep on holding on ♪

[Door closes]

♪ And I know it sure, and I know it sure ♪
♪ one month till February ♪
♪ keep on holding on ♪
♪ And I know it sure, and I know it sure ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Jack broke up with me.

I'm really sorry, Sim.

I don't deserve any pity, I'm just... feeling sorry for myself.

I admire you... You were friends with me.

Because in year one, when Angela Tobaro pulled my hair, you pushed her away.

And in year 11, when I entered that really bad joke-telling contest, you laughed so hard, that it drowned out the deafening silence of everyone else in the room.

And when I was studying at uni, and I had not one cent, you paid for my tickets so that I could see the White Stripes.

If you really loved me, you'll get in the bath with me.

[Crying]

[Sad laughter]

I love you, Lil.

♪ 'Cause you could say this is not too far to carry this ♪