01x06 - A Warrior's Battle: The Story of Rob Guzzo

[bunniefuu]

Mikey Sauers: I don't think anyone is immune to the effects of w*r.

It doesn't matter what your upbringing is, how tough you are, how badass of a SEAL you are, you have to accept you're doing an inherently dangerous job, and people die.

Mark Matzeldelaflor: w*r is v*olence, right? Once you've experienced that, it never leaves you, it's always there.

Dave Hancock: w*r, it's confusion, it's chaotic, it's disgusting.

It's all the worst parts.

Trying to understand that, I mean, people have been trying to understand that for... for millennia.

Matzeldelaflor: Ramadi is 2006 was the hotbed.

If you had a heat map of conflict going on in the world, you've got your hot fire red, that was Ramadi.

Sauers: Ramadi was, like, you know, take a dirty city where they have all the abandoned buildings and then throw some garbage on it, light it on fire, and that was Ramadi.

It was just dirty, it was bombed out.

A lot of the infrastructure was damaged.

Hancock: It smelled like g*n powder mixed with... like rotting flesh.

Sauers: It was a very hostile environment.

A very unforgiving environment.

Most of the insurgents in that area just had a run of the land.

Matzeldelaflor: There's insurgents running around torturing people, planting IEDs, and not just attacking Americans but their own people.

Team 5 was there to take out the trash, essentially, to get those bad people out of the picture. Knowing that it was the most dangerous place in the world, that's where we all wanted to go. It's something we feed on.

You want to go to the fight.

Guys want to employ their training. And they want to make a difference.

Sauers: We fight for America, but your brothers the most important thing, the guys on the left and right of you.

Those are the guys that really, you know, make why you're out there important.

My name's Mike Sauers, I was at SEAL Team 5.

And I was a point man.

A point man is a person that walks in the front of the patrol figuring out the routes to the target.

Usually the first person that's gonna come in contact with any enemy that's gonna att*ck you from the front.

My name is Dave Hancock, I was a comms guy.

You were the guy on the radio getting all of the information from various sources.

And you're painting a picture to the people who can't see it.

My name is Mark Matzeldelaflor.

I was on Team 5, I was a sn*per and an assaulter.

There's definitely a lot of different personalities in a SEAL platoon.

And I think that's what really brings a SEAL platoon to what it is.

Hancock: There was this guy, Rob Guzzo. As soon as Rob checked in, and he was gonna be a comms guy, I mean, we just hit it off right off the bat.

Like, we were just laughing all the time.

Rob is a guy where if you met him once, you would never forget.

Matzeldelaflor: He was a walking holiday. It's like the feeling you get when Christmas is around and there's like this warm warmness around and you're just happy.

So it was like a very positive energy.

Hancock: He's just got, like, this high-pitch laugh.

(Imitates laughs)

Like it goes something like that, like...

(imitates laugh)

And you would just start laughing.

Matzeldelaflor: Rob was a total jokester, which is awesome, but at the same time, he was serious.

You know, his parents were both m*llitary and he had this sense of pride.

Robin Andersen: Rob as a child was always very active.

And he liked to make people laugh. His father was very athletic, being a Navy SEAL, and so Rob got a lot of his natural athletic ability from his father.

Bob Guzzo: He was around the SEAL Teams and so he got to see it first hand and I'm sure that was planting that seed then.

When Rob was 9,10, Bob was a BUD/S instructor and would take Rob frequently to the SEAL training compound.

Guzzo: Sometimes we'd go to the pool and I'd give him a little spin in the water and, of course, he was all game for it.

Once I realized he was comfortable with it, I said, "Well let's try tying your hands up."

He goes, "All right, let's go for it."

Then we did the hands and feet tied.

And he loved it.

There was nothing that he wasn't willing to do or try and give it a hundred percent.

Andersen: He's always been the guy's guy that everybody wants to be their buddy. His younger brother, Aaron, and then his other siblings you know, they all just idolized Rob.

He was the big brother.

After he graduated from high school, he ended up going to State University of New York in Cortland, New, York, which was where his father went.

He played football like his father, and his father was in the Beta fraternity, which Rob joined there as well.

So it was kinda, as time went on, it really looked like he was following his dad's footsteps. When he decided to join the Navy, it was on September 11th.

Guzzo: I was stationed at the Pentagon. I put in 27 years in the United States Navy, and 25 of those years were to SEAL teams. So fast forward now to me getting orders to DC as an anti-terrorism officer.

We're sitting in our office that morning.

You could literally feel the building shake. And there was no doubt in our minds what was going on.

(sirens wail)

Guzzo: By the time we got in there, it was just... you couldn't even recognize it as a building. It was just total chaos.

Andersen: I called the fraternity house.

The first thing he said when he picked up the phone, "Is my dad okay?"

And I said, "He's fine."

And he just, like, broke down in tears.

You could tell, he was moved by it.

He says, "I wanna do what you did."

Andersen: I was like, "Rob, you've got a degree. You can go in as a commissioned officer."

And he's like, "No, you know, I want to go in at the bottom.

I've seen how people respect you."

'Cause I enlisted and then got a a commission half way through.

And so I said, you know, "All right."

You know, I was just so proud of him.

Guzzo: With the world affairs the way they were moving, I knew Rob was going to certainly get deployed into a combat zone.

(g*nf*re)

So when I heard that Rob and his platoon was going to Ramadi, I obviously was concerned.

Everyone knew Ramadi was extremely volatile.

It was very hotly contested.

It was controlled by the bad guys.

Andersen: There was just so much combat and so much death of American forces.

I remember thinking, "This (bleep) just got real."

I mean, this is... this is not playing around.

Matzeldelaflor: The reason we were in Ramadi was to bring about a certain amount of order and control to a chaotic scene.

(g*nsh*t)

(shouting)

Sauers: It was just such a violent environment over there and, I mean, it was a very tough environment to fight in.

(g*nf*re)

I mean, the buildings were literally touching each other. There's a lot of channelized terrain.

You're constantly looking around 360 and 720, so you're constantly looking up.

Matzeldelaflor: Alleys, windows, doors. Each window is a thr*at where someone could be hiding.

They could sh**t from and gauge you from.

So you needed to have a lot of communications between the troops.

(g*nf*re)

(shouting) Move! Move!

Dave's coming up! Dave's coming up.

You can ask guys, "Hey, what's the biggest w*apon you carry?"

(g*nf*re)

You know, and guys'll be like, "Oh, 50 cal sn*per r*fle. Or machine g*n."

No. It's your radio.

It's the biggest w*apon you carry.

(g*nf*re)

Matzeldelaflor: If we're in a fire fight, that comm guy is your voice.

The comms guy is the one that's going to bring in support, reinforcements.

The comms guy is basically the guy that's gonna save your butt.

Hancock: So then it's up to you to be sure that you have positive comms at all times.

On several occasions, I mean, you'd have to go outside on the roof and expose yourself, just to actually get positive comms.

A lot of times, we would be on our back just kind of... just kind of like skedaddling along the roof like this, with an antennae up like this.

Like, "Hey." (Hancock laughs)

"Hey, can you hear me now?"

This is Red Bull six Romeo.

Be advised, troops in contact.

Sauer: Dave was our head communicator for the platoon. It's one of those jobs, it's not as sexy as being a sn*per.

You know, when you're a kid, I don't think anybody wanted to be the little green army man that was holding the big radio.

But it's so important.

(grunts)

Man on radio: Red Bull six Romeo this is Slater oh nine...

Hancock: I grew up in Syracuse, New York. I was a three sport athlete, so I played football, I did indoor track, I played lacrosse at college on a scholarship.

I was on a team for 13 years.

I joined up in 2001, right after the att*cks.

Just seeing the smoke from my mother's place just kind of did something to me.

At the armory, there was fliers everywhere, as far as the eye could see, for families, if they hadn't heard from somebody who worked on the towers.

And I looked up and there was this older lady.

She was probably 60. She had climbed probably about 15 to 18 feet up a power poll. Because she had a flier of her son, who was in Tower One.

But she refused to post that flier over anybody else's flyer.

Just out of respect, she did that.

Yeah, that... that was probably a defining moment in my life.

I wanted to do something, to have an impact. And I didn't want to wait. I wanted to be the best of the best and I wanted to go fight.

Sauers: Dave had a serious side because he would get so focused in, laser focused on what he was doing and making sure everything was super perfect.

Sauer: Dave was kind of like Rob's mentor. Rob was an assistant communicator.

And Dave definitely ran a tight ship.

A lot of times me and Rob would be up for, you know, four or five extra hours after a particular op, changing all of the radios because we were gonna be in a different battle space for the next operation.

We'd do comm checks with every guy, with every truck, and with the actual battle space commanders. Because it all boiled down to one thing.

Make comms.

Matzeldelaflor: Rob didn't take that lightly at all, that he was responsible for the safety of all of his brothers.

Sauers: I remember seeing Rob in his element and really, you know, being a master of his craft.

What you got, Mikey?

Nothing yet.

Clear, man.

We were doing an overwatch mission.

Matzeldelaflor: There was weapons being moved in a Mosque. Our whole task unit that was out there set up in different positions to monitor this insurgent activity that was going on.

Dave, we got, like, a peek-in north of our position.

Copy. Be advised OP 1 has a looker to the north.

No copy.

From building number?

Man on radio: Building seven.

Okay, I've got looker, building seven.

Sauers: It was a pretty big operation. I think we had three separate elements just with our SEAL unit.

And there were several other army units out there.

There was a marine unit.

(Men shouting in Native language)

Ready, fellas.

Mosque started putting out a call for blood, which is a call for people to come and fight.

(Shouting continues)

(g*nshots)

Contact, contact!

Comms, OP 1 has troops in contact.

Say again, troops in contact.

Matzeldelaflor: And we just started taking heavy fire.

(g*nf*re)

I got 'em, I got 'em.

And (bleep) hit the fan.

Like... (imitates expl*si*n)

(men shouting in native language)

(g*nshots)

What do we got?

Hey, we got contact north.

Sauers: I was on a roof with Rob, trying to deconflict where the different elements were at.

What was the last location?

Building 19.

And we had a map of the area.

We were trying to figure out where the fire was coming from, what was their positions.

Asking Rob all these questions.

I mean, it was just bang, bang, bang, bang.

Hancock: I mean, we were just dropping people left and right.

(blows)

sh**t' 'em, killin' 'em.

'Cause they kept coming out.

But they we wanted to get out of there before things turn really south.

So Rob was in charge of getting all of his guys out of there.

OPs 1 and 2, move to extraction.

You guys converse, we'll hold down the watch.

Copy all, copy all. Break it down.

Break it down. Let's go.

Break it down.

So we had elements in different buildings, so we were cross covering each other.

(g*nf*re)

(shouting)

Rob was coordinating the extract vehicle.

Where the vehicle was gonna come in, what's going on in the battle field, where rounds are coming from, where bad guys are at, who was gonna move when.

(g*nf*re)

(man shouts) 30 seconds!

Hancock: That's a lot of crap to balance. Like, we have, what, 50 guys out there?

And there's rounds going every which way.

OPs 1 and 2, breakout is a go.

(g*nf*re)

Go!

Move forward!

(Indistinct)

And so Rob's element, those were the last guys off the target.

So they were overwatching our two elements as we were moving to extract.

We're out, we're out.

Torches ahead, heads up.

OPs 1 and 2 have moved out.

(Explodes)

All right, let's go.

I was in the same element as Rob.

So we were the last ones to leave, to move to the truck. Go! This whole time, Rob is on the radio.

Fire. Pealing south. Both of these are...

(man shouts)

Matzeldelaflor: When he's not sh**ting rounds, he's listening the entire time.

(g*nshots)

(shouting)

Man, get over here! Come on!

Left bank.

Move!

(g*nshots)

Let's get outta here!

Get down!

Let's go!

Come on.

So Rob was responsible for the safe extract and the safe operation of 50 plus guys at once, during a massive engagement.

And he did a phenomenal job.

All right, let's go.

Hancock: That point of the deployment, things were still real, real hot.

Sauers: We were doing a great job of maintaining the infrastructure and integrity in Ramadi. But we still knew it was a very dangerous place. You know, one of the greatest things, is like, you know, just being in a really terrible situation, you know?

You're just hunkered down on the ground, and you can just look over at the guy next to you and he looks at you and smiles and laughs.

Rob was known for trying to break up the monotony on missions.

One of his classic moves was to tell a "knock knock" joke.

Like, we're actually hitting this building, right?

And, like, we're clearing the building.

It's a very serious thing.

And the doors don't open, he looks back at me, and he's like, "Knock, knock."

And I was like, "Wait... now, here, now?

Are you... Like, really now?"

He's like, "Knock, knock."

I was like, "Who's there? What? Who?"

And he's like, "Theodor."

And I was like, "Yeah, okay. Theodore who?"

And he's like, "Theodore's locked."

(laughing)

He said, "Hey, do you know what time you go to the dentist?"

And I said, "Is this a joke?"

And he says, "Yeah." And I said, "What time?"

He says, "Tooth hurty."

(giggles) I said, "What?"

He said, "Tooth hurty. Get it?

Tooth hurty."

I said, "Yeah, Rob. That's terrible."

When a joke cracks off in the middle of something like that, it kind of makes you take a couple steps back in your mind.

And so I think it actually has an actual real benefit beyond just being humorous.

Rob and myself were in the same tent in Camp Marc Lee.

One of the Christmas packages that came for Rob had this little polar bear, and you pressed its hand and it would light up and do a little dance and sing the, ♪ Stop, collaborate and listen ♪

♪ Ice is back with my brand new invention ♪
♪ Something grabs... ♪

You know, like every time we'd come back, we'd go to that and just press it and watch it.

Press it again. It became like a ritual.

Like every time you come back you just...

Yo, relax. Kick it one time, boy.

Matzeldelaflor: And then we'd sit there for, you know, five times just play that thing.

This stupid little polar bear that would just gave us such joy.

It was like a little piece from the outside world in this... in this w*r zone.

Matz is... he's very laid back.

But when he needed to be, he was a very intense guy.

Matz was a sn*per, and a hell of a sn*per too.

He was wired into his craft.

Matzeldelaflor: I grew up in New Hampshire. I was an only child. Growing up, I'd just always be running around in the woods, like, climbing mountains, snowboard, and skate, I did a lot of skateboarding.

Sneaking on to people's property, mischievous stuff.

The most m*llitary exposure I had in my family would have been from my uncle who is a marine, who I looked up to for sure.

And so I started researching the m*llitary. You know, I found team guys who blow (bleep) up and go after people, you know.

So I thought that was pretty cool.

Hancock: So we were sitting in a building and we got compromised at some point in time.

(g*nf*re)

I remember hearing do do do do do.

They lobbed a couple grenades up on the roof.

Man: Go, go, go!

(explodes)

We had guys on the roof. They tumble down the stairs.

Like, "Holy (bleep). That was close, you know."

But then, like, somebody had to go up and get all the gear because, like there was still gear.

Like, there was g*ns and belts up there on the roof.

And so Rob kind of heads it out the door. And there's literally like, the unexploded grenade.

All their old grenades are pretty nasty and trash.

All their fuse timers can just burn real slow.

So you never really know when it's gonna go off.

They can not go off for three, four minutes and then just... (imitates expl*si*n)

There's literally, like, a grenade.

It's unexploded ordnance, it's sitting right there, but it doesn't have a spoon on it. All the g*ns are on the other side of the roof.

And Rob just... he just kinda like...

Like, he looks over at me and smiles and he's like...

(humming) And he kinda does a little dance.

And he kind just hops over it.

Like, just kinda giddy.

You know, he goes to that side of the roof, he grabs that stuff.

I cut over to the right, I grab the stuff over here.

And then he's just kinda laughing.

He looks back at me and he's just like...

You know, just kinda playing around.

And I'm like, "Get inside," you know. "What're you doin'?"

He's like, "Well, that was interesting."

So we just kinda finished up and went about our way.

He didn't hesitate. He knew that we have to go over there and get that.

And he chose the most perilous route.

He chose the one that was gonna keep me safer.

So to me, that personifies "warrior."

Matzeldelaflor: I mean, Rob's the most loyal guy you can get.

No matter what, he's gonna support you, 'cause you're his bro.

Sauers: When he went through BUD/S, I was an instructor so it was really cool, to be able to think, "Hey, I've just put this guy through training," and to be able to see, Rob evolve into a highly trained warfighter, it was a really rewarding process.

I grew up in a small town in central Pennsylvania called Port Allegany.

Grew up hunting and fishing and played sports. The worst thing you could do to me as a kid is make me sit in a chair for five minutes.

I think I was about 15 or 16, one of my older brother's friends told me he was in Navy SEALs training.

He's like, "We're like a wrestling team that carries machine g*ns and blows stuff up."

So to me, I was like, "That sounds great."

I was in the Navy for 13 years and I was a SEAL for 11 years of that.

I mean, Mikey had been on a lot of rotations before.

So he had been there and done that.

I had a good respect for him already when he came to our platoon.

He's a fun-loving type of guy, you know?

In addition to just being a good pipe hitting team guy.

Newscaster: President Bush heard from his top m*llitary brass at the Pentagon, Wednesday, who have urged him to boost the number of US troops assigned to train the Iraqi security forces.

Hancock: About midway through deployment, our main focus had begun to shift to support the Iraqi police.

Sauers: But I don't think it was to the point where the Iraqi police and the Iraqi Army themselves were able to hold it down without a US presence.

While we deployed, Ramadi, it did get better.

But it was constant maintenance.

Hancock: So we were constantly being, like, pulled out to go and assist on these particular missions.

And it happened all the time.

Like, there was a school and some su1c1de psycho decides to go blow himself up while school is in session.

It took out like the equivalent of a busload of schoolchildren. I don't care how hard you think you are, like, the first time you see one of those kind of aftermaths... You know, like the dust hasn't even settled yet. The smell of expl*si*n...

I mean, it's still rampant in the air.

It kind of resets your... I would say your level of what's just utterly disgusting in the world, you know.

Sauers: You know, guys like Rob and Dave had to report on what's going on. As a communicator, you have to get very intimate, you know, with the environment around you.

Hancock: So, like, you have to say, "Well, so far we've identified that there is at least 11 children. And how do you identify, like, 11 children, from like a mass su1c1de bombing?

Well, you identify them by body parts with like different pieces of clothing on.

I mean, being a comms guy in that particular situation, things would be a little bit closer to you because you were having to hear it. And then you're having to, like, talk about it.

That kind of puts it on... on a different level.

I remember Rob having to go on a few of those.

And he was visibly just like, "What the... like, what?

Excuse my... like, what?"

And I think, I'll speak for myself, like, you never really understand, like, you never really come to come to grips with that answer.

You know, it starts... it starts weighing on you.

Matzeldelaflor: The enemy in Ramadi was pretty into using kids.

Hancock: What I thought was just disgusting was the use of kids for the intent.

Matzeldelaflor: They know that people have soft spots for kids, and they'd exploit that.

They'd try to leverage them to carry things for them, to move weapons or expl*sives or even to set up att*cks.

Such a w*r-torn country.

And, you know, most of these kids... it's like, you know, they don't really have long-term goals.

It's really hard to understand, as an American. They grow up in a w*r-zone.

Like, w*r has been their life.

Hancock: So we were on a target, like, right in the middle of the city.

(g*nf*re)

Watch that front, watch that front!

We got att*cked on three different sides.

Folks are coming your way, Jack, they're coming your way.

Hancock: Guzzo was on the second story window.

Moving in the alley.

Hancock: Well, one of the guys attacking was a kid. He was like a 10-year-old kid, eight, ten-year-old kid.

But he was dressed up, he was dressed up like a full blown 25 year old attacker.

You know, he had his check rack.

He didn't even have his AK on him. But he went to pick it up. I know Rob didn't want to but, I mean, he had to make a decision. "Do I do this? 'Cause he's going to pick it up. Do I not do this? Do I do this?"

(muffled g*nsh*t)

Hancock: Rob had to make a decision. You know, several of us have been in that same situation.

You know, like, you wait until the last possible second.

You know... To protect himself and his brothers, you know, he did what he had to do.

In the SEAL teams, we try to inoculate you to any situation possible.

But the real thing is always the real thing.

I couldn't imagine that there was anybody out there who wanted to sh**t an eight-year-old kid.

But when that kid's pulling a trigger and rounds are flying towards you and everybody around you, that kid is a significant thr*at.

Sauers: Having women and children be part of that enemy combatant group, I don't think you can prepare yourself for that.

Matzeldelaflor: After six months' time and you've been stuff every day, it gets to that "over it" type of feeling.

It's kind of like you're revving an engine full tilt.

The engine starts letting you know that you need to cool it down for a bit.

Hancock: Everybody was there for one goal, to come home feeling like we had changed something for the better.

When we left, things had become dramatically less violent.

At the end of deployment, I would see like kids and women would be outside in the streets. So I think we took that as a sign of success.

Sauers: We came back from Ramadi, it was kind of a changing point in the w*r. It was such violent fighting. They brought in a few doctors and psychiatrists. Basically, said, "Hey, if anybody needs to talk..."

It was more of a volunteer thing, though.

I'm not sure if anybody took them up on that offer, I know I didn't.

It was just kind of like, "SEALs don't get PTSD."

But, you know, going through a deployment like that, it doesn't really matter how much experience you have under your belt, I think it changes everyone, a little bit at least.

Andersen: When Rob came home from Ramadi, his eyes were just dark

and it was like looking into abyss.

He just wasn't the same person.

Matzeldelaflor: w*r is a constant thing. So your chemicals in your brain, your adrenaline, it's up, it's elevated. And when you come back, it's almost like a dullness, right? 'Cause you're not experiencing things at those levels.

So things can kind of just seem just "blah," you know?

Like just drab.

Andersen: Rob, in his attempt to adjust, just started drinking a lot, never sleeping. Well, I think when he did sleep he had the nightmares.

And I remember one time, he's laying there sleeping, and his legs are running, and his trigger finger is doing this.

For years, he would either call me or his father in the middle of the night and he would just want to talk. He would cry.

A lot of times he would be intoxicated.

And that just became our routine.

If you don't get any sleep, like, your... you really can't heal, like, mentally.

It just gets worse and worse, it just tumbles, you know.

Then you're drinking to go to sleep.

And then that turns into like four or five drinks a night just to go to sleep.

And before you know it, like...

Yeah, now you're pounding bottles to get... you know... it's... yeah.

Guzzo: When Rob started having these problems, we knew we had to get some kind of treatment for him. But he insisted he did not want to do it through the Navy chain of command.

That if he did, it would impact his ability to continue being a SEAL, which, whether it was true or not, if it was in his mind and he believed it, then that's where the truth is.

Andersen: Rob eventually saw a psychiatrist and he was diagnosed

with a variety of different things including PTSD, anxiety.

PTSD, it's like a silent disease.

Just affects people differently.

Matzeldelaflor: We all have this, like, black cloud.

I've seen it in myself.

It's just like this mental state.

There's sunshine behind the cloud too, that you can get to, but sometimes that cloud just consumes the sun.

It's a mix, I think it's a mix of what you've experienced in your past and what's going on currently, and then also when you start thinking about into the future.

Guzzo: Rob went through the civilian treatment.

And then also got into the m*llitary treatment.

But he was still having these little setbacks.

But those issues started to become farther and farther apart. After he got out of the Navy, he started working towards a master's degree in kinesiology. He was doing well and enjoying it. And he was informed that he was a father. He eagerly accepted it.

It was very encouraging, very loving to see that.

And again, it was kind of a shadow

over the fact that there was still that issue that was unresolved.

That day, Rob had just got back from the bar, maybe, like, you know, 2:00, around 2:00 AM.

So I woke up and came out and I was, like, foggy headed, drowsy.

Him and a couple buddies... you know he's talking to the marine buddies there about combat and stuff.

Um, so eventually, I went back to sleep.

And the next thing I know, I get... one of the marine dudes busts in my room.

"Mark, I need your help! I need your... I need you to come out here right now."

I come out of the bedroom and I see...

I see Rob, you know, sitting in a chair.

The first thought in my head is, he's doing a prank on me right now.

And like, there's... it doesn't make sense.

There's no way this is real.

I, like, nudge him, say, "Get up."

That's when I notice the reality of the situation.

Sauers: I got a text.

Text just said, "Hey, do you know Rob Guzzo?"

I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, I know Rob. What's up?"

And... the person texted back and said, "He lives in my building. I think he just committed su1c1de."

At first I was in disbelief.

We'd just texted back and forth two days before that.

We were talking about football.

It just took me by... I was so surprised.

Matz called me that morning.

I'll never forget.

I'll never... It'll never be out of my head.

It'll be there for the rest of my life.

It struck me into the heart.

Like I've never felt before.

Hancock: Matz called me.

He said, "Rob's dead. sh*t himself."

I was just like...

"What?"

Couldn't put it together. Couldn't wrap around... couldn't wrap my head around it.

We went to the funeral home and I told the funeral director, I said, "You know, I have to see him."

Because he had put the g*n in his mouth, you know, it was, it was... the exit wound was you know...

On the other side and he just looked so... he was so beautiful.

And I just went up to him and just was stroking his hair and, you know I kissed him on his cheek, and I just said, "Honey, it's okay. You know, it's okay."

Sauer: I mean, it's one of those things where you always look back and you always think, like, you know, if there's more you could have done.

You can kind of do the "what-ifs"

all the way back.

But at the end of the day, there is some perfect storm type of situation that happened where you unfortunately, you don't have... once you make the decision, there's no way to undo it.

It's a very permanent decision.

Hanford: Yeah, but I don't think you can blame yourself. You know, like, you could wish that... Man, I wish I... I wish I had picked up on some subtle change.

Or...

I mean, I wish I had, for sure.

Absolutely.

'Cause I miss him, but...

Yeah, I don't know.

If he was here, I would just tell him, "We're very sad. Tooth soon."

I would just say, "I miss you, brother.

I miss you, brother. I miss you and I love you.

And I'll see you on the other side."

I miss his presence, you know.

His... his "The Holiday," basically, right.

I miss that.

And I'd just tell him I love him.

And to think... what? Damn it.

You know, his dad and I had 60 years almost of Navy service.

And we frickin' could not save our son.

But there... you know, there is hope. And I think things are getting better.

I think, the PTSD and the traumatic brain injury, the "invisible wounds,"

are starting to be more and more accepted.

There's so many veterans that are struggling, and so my goal is to help other veterans. I volunteer now with the organization, "America's Mighty Warriors." We pay for the treatments that are currently not available at the VA.

The biggest one right now that's getting a lot of attention and showing a lot of promise is a hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatment.

The earlier you get treatment for PTS is the more likely that you'll be able

to manage it and rebound and have a successful, productive life.

Sauers: Any veterans out there that think

they may be suffering from PTSD, get help.

And if this gets out to just that one person who's struggling and hears what we're talking about and says, "Well, wait a minute."

There is some hope there.

Hancock: And I really hope somebody watches this and can be like, "He was a (bleep) all-star, and he was hurting."

And so they can say, "Well, that's...

It's okay that I'm hurting."

Matzeldelaflor: So you gotta kind of keep yourself in check. Be aware that you're no invincible, no matter how badass you are.

There's no one that's invincible, everyone's mortal.

Enjoy life while you have it.

(Man laughing)

(laughter continues)