01x01 - The Holy Trinity: Los Angeles, California, United States

[bunniefuu]

[BIG BEN CHIMING]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Radio: According to today's newspaper headlines, it seems that it's the end of the road for motoring presenter Jeremy Clarkson...

...and said that it's with deep regret the decision had been taken not to renew him.

[BEEP]

..forecast plenty of sunshine through today with seasonal temperatures.

We should reach a high of about 82 degrees by this afternoon...

♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone ♪
♪ I can see all obstacles in my way ♪
♪ Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Think I can make it now the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings have disappeared ♪
♪ Here is the rainbow I've been praying for ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ We're gonna make it now the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings have disappeared ♪
♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Take it away ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh! Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪

[CHEERING]

Hello, everybody!

Hello.

That was the Hothouse Flowers.

And now, look what we have here.

[CHEERING]

He was born-

He was born in 1836...

[LAUGHTER]

He was fired by Car magazine, fired by Autocar magazine, fired by Scotland On Sunday, and somehow he managed to get fired by a Volvo dealership.

Thank you.

Probably for driving too slowly.

Ladies and gentlemen, James May!

[CHEERING]

Thank you, thank you. You're very kind.

And, ladies and gentlemen, you probably can't see him from the back, but I assure you he is here.

He was fired by Radio York, fired by Radio Leeds, and fired by Radio Lancashire, it's Richard Hammond!

Hello! Hello! Thank you!

Thank you.

And, ladies and gentlemen!

Over here!

He's- He's basically a shaved ape in a shirt.

And he, technically, is the only one of us never to be fired by anyone.

It's Jeremy Clarkson!

[CHEERING]

Thank you so much.

And the good thing is, it's very unlikely I'm going to be fired now, because we're on the Internet, which means I could pleasure a horse.

No! No.

Dog?

No.

No pleasuring of any sort.

There are families watching.

Yes!

Anyway, we are all car journalists.

And we have spent the last 20 years...

Being fired.

Yes.

But we have poured everything we know, everything we care about, into this show.

[CHEERING]

Everything. And coming up now is a small montage of what you can expect over the next 12 weeks.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

Honestly, I don't know.

Argh!

Is that the size of the drop or what's happened to his penis?

You're looking at magnificence.

Help! This is bad.

James says we've got to stop for fuel.

[SCREAMS] I hate you!

He doesn't like us.

Bloody Nora!

[SCREAMING]

May be leaking slightly.

What a moron.

You sunk my limousine!

I've lost one of my nose tampons.

This is not a particularly cultural thing to do.

I don't like the smell of tire smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

James is falling...

Sideways in linen.

There's no dignity in that, is there?

No.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now- Thank you.

All of that is gonna be hosted from this.

This is our new travelling studio tent.

Thank you so much. We're gonna be roaming the world in it.

We're gonna be like gypsies.

Only the cars we drive are gonna be insured.

Stop saying things that are gonna get us fired.

But I'm just saying, it's brilliant.

It is.

[g*nsh*t]

Oi! Who sh*t our drone?

Did someone sh**t it?

Him.

Let's not get bogged down in who sh*t what, okay?

Let's get changed and get on with the show.

Shall we get on with the show?

Let's do it.

Thank you, everybody!

Thank you so much.

And welcome to the first ever Grand Tour.

Thank you. Now, we hope you like our tent.

We think the great thing is that because it roams around the world, we get a different view out of the big picture windows every week.

So this week, obviously we've got the high desert of California.

Next week, who knows?

I do.

Well, yes, James, we know. It's Johannesburg.

Now they know.

I know they know! It doesn't matter!

The point is the view changes and so does the audience, okay?

This week you're all Americans.

[CHEERING]

Now, this is a bit of a problem for people like us who speak English.

We can converse perfectly well in a shop or a restaurant, but when it comes to cars and motoring, every single word you use is different.

When I say "different", I mean "wrong."

When you change gear with a lever, what do you call that?

Stick.

Stick.

Now, you see, this is a stick.

Couldn't change gear with this.

Wouldn't work. What you can do with this is point at things.

Let's see if we can get you educated.

What do you call this bit of a car?

All: The hood!

Man: Bonnet.

Bonnet.

They're learning.

What do you mean? I know you can wear a bonnet on your head.

It's two things. We're capable of having those different thoughts.

What type of vehicle is this?

All: Pick-up.

No, it's stupid.

Oh, now, hang on.

It is stupid.

Let's do another one of these.

What type of vehicle is this?

All: Coupe.

Coupe? Coop is where you keep your chickens.

That's a coupé. That's a French word, I admit.

Yeah, a bit.

They're muddled with that.

George Bush, have you heard what he once said about the French?

"The trouble with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur."

It is difficult. I think the only thing we agree on is "steering wheel."

Yeah.

But then they go and put it on the wrong side of the car.

It must be really annoying having to drive along like that all the time.

Why don't you just put it in front of the driver like we do?

It's probably a good idea if we get on with the actual show.

Yes, it is. But we had to clear all that up, because contrary to what some people have been saying, this actually is a car show.

Well, not next week it isn't.

Next week is an exception.

Yeah.

But not when we go to Barbados either.

No, Barbados is definitely another exception.

But tonight couldn't be more "car-y" if it tried.

I'm gonna prove that point because we're kicking off with this.

[LAUGHTER AND JEERING]

Bear with me, bear with me-

I agree!

[LAUGHTER]

The thing is, though, various supercar makers have now taken the polar-bear-friendly technology from a Prius, and they are now using it to create raw, naked speed.

Now, I say the best of these hybrid hypercars is the mad, swivel-eyed McLaren P1.

Whereas Richard Hammond, who's wrong-

I'm not wrong.

He is, because he says the best is actually the rather boring Porsche 918.

It's not boring!

Yes, it is.

It isn't.

Mm-hmm.

It isn't. Well, whatever.

We decided to meet up with the cars and settle this once and for all.

The location we chose for this titanic duel was Portugal... specifically, the international race track of the Algarve.

When we arrived, mechanics from Porsche and McLaren pounced on our cars, fettling them for what was to come.

And this meant Hammond and I had some time to indulge in a spot of childish point scoring.

Which one of these is going to be the fastest around this track?

This?

Yeah.

Apart from this one, which will be faster.

It won't. Which one do you think will be the fastest?

This one.

This one.

Porsche think the Porsche will be fastest. McLaren say the McLaren.

How much is it if I wanted to buy one?

I think one was sold in an auction for 1.8 million.

1.8 million dollars. Hammond, how much is yours?

838 euros.

Thousand I'm guessing?

Yes. It is thousands.

Why has your car got a number on the side?

It's the Weissach edition, this one.

You also get titanium chassis bolts.

Stupid.

For just an extra 㶰.000.

And a carbon-fiber bonnet strut.

Look at that. How much does that save?

About 100 grams.

Right there, 100 grams.

Has the McLaren got a carbon-fiber bonnet strut?

Doesn't need one.

No, because my bonnet doesn't go up because it will never break down.

And it's got silly doors. Proper doors, silly doors.

Mine does 34 miles to the gallon.

This does 94.

94 miles to the gallon?

94mpg.

Just remind me, Porsche is owned by?

That'll be Volkswagen.

Soon the McLaren and the Porsche were ready for some shakedown laps.

[REVVING]

And for these we decided we'd drive each other's cars.

Straight away, I can tell you that this doesn't have the brutality or the savagery of the McLaren.

Because it has rear-wheel steering and four-wheel drive, it feels secure and safe.

And that gives you the confidence-

[CHUCKLES]

...to play about.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

If I went round this corner this fast in the McLaren...

...a lot of poo would come out.

Whoa! There's poo coming out now!

Jesus.

It's spinning its [BLEEP] wheels in sixth!

This is frightening, that's what it is.

Whoa! More poo.

I didn't think it was possible to sh*t yourself to death.

[CHUCKLES]

The grip is genuinely incredible.

Oh, there you go.

Richard: In the savage and unforgiving P1, my nerves were sh*t to pieces.

But I, too, was falling in love.

903 horsepower.

Oh, my God!

Oh, you bad, bad, naughty car!

Jesus.

This recalibrates your mind.

I didn't think anything could be as exciting as that Porsche, but this- this is.

[TIRES SCREECH]

This is brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Oh.

What a car.

I love it.

Well?

This is rubbish!

I was just thinking exactly the same about this.

Were you?

This was boring me to death.

It was like being stuck in a Victorian woman's novel.

I'd rather that than being stuck in a telephone box with a panicking gorilla.

Rubbish.

It was trying to k*ll me.

It wants to hurt me.

That's why I like it.

This is a missionary-position car.

Razor blade in the hands of a surgeon.

Sickle in the hands of a drunk peasant.

Downton Abbey. Breaking Bad. That's crystal meth.

That's some iffy weed.

Fine wine. Crate of Newcy Brown.

Schooner of sherry. Absinthe.

James Bond specifying his martini to be shaken not stirred.

Begbie in Trainspotting lobbing a pint pot over his shoulder in a night club and starting a bar fight. What?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm here because, gentlemen, I have in the back of that lorry something that will make your McLaren and your Porsche look like lumps of yesteryear.

[REVVING]

I cannot remember the last time a car, or, indeed, any sort of thing, gave me a fizz like the Ferrari LaFerrari.

This has 950 horsepower.

950.

More than either of the other two.

And it's lighter. It weighs 1.250 kilograms.

Which is less than most hatchbacks.

Actually there is a bit more to the Ferrari LaFerrari, because what it has is, in effect, a formula one KERS system.

It constantly recovers energy that would otherwise be lost using its electric motor and its battery.

So as I brake there, the car is actually saying, "That energy, I'll have that."

Straight!

This is what 950 horsepower feels like!

Jesus!

This I believe will absolutely mince the other two.

Oh, man!

Jeremy: James was obviously talking nonsense.

But there's no getting around the fact that these three cars take automotive science to a new level.

They use the latest green technology to squeeze as much speed as possible from every molecule of fuel.

As a result, they're all capable of blasting way past 200 miles an hour whilst producing fewer harmful emissions than a family saloon.

What we have here, then, are three incredible machines which, at a stroke, have made the traditional supercar look wooden... and old-fashioned.

Welcome, everyone, to the hypercar holy trinity.

In that door mirror I have a 㱠million Porsche.

In that door mirror I have a 㱠million Ferrari.

What a toy box today.

Sparks from Jezzer.

I don't think so, Hammond.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

This could be so expensive.

It's going to boost.

Pushing the IPAS button!

And that gives me another 170 horsepower.

[LAUGHING]

Opening DRS!

Oh, my Christ!

Bloody...

And here comes May in the Ferrari LaFerrari.

Concentrating. Concentrating.

Oh-oh! That bloody car is trying to k*ll me, and I'm not even in it.

Ha-ha!

Jeremy: We could have played out there all day, but before we ended up in a 㳠million crash, we decided to start the tests to see which of the cars was best.

I came up with the first one, mainly to annoy gate-crasher May.

Let's make the first test a drag race using electrical power only.

Good idea.

It isn't a good idea.

Why not?

Because you can't drive the Ferrari on electrical power only.

No!

Of course you can't, because it's a KERS system like a Formula One car.

It's got a V12 engine and an electric motor, but they are integrated, they work together, you can't separate them.

You should have thought about that, shouldn't you?

Bad planning.

With James reduced to the role of onlooker, we lined up the P1 and the 918 on the start line, but then, instead of revving the petrol engines, we shut them down.

That is weird.

Preparing to start a drag race in complete silence.

I still have two electric motors that together produce 285 brake horsepower which is 109 more than the one electric motor in his McLaren. Oh, yeah.

[BEEPING]

[BEEP AND KLAXON]

I'm outta here!

You've got to love that, the immediate power from an electrical engine.

That is 70 miles an hour already and it isn't enough.

[RICHARD LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Who won that? It was me, wasn't it?

Yeah, but it's not important though, is it?

Is it not?

It's just not relevant.

Right, right.

In a drag race, it's irrelevant which car gets there first?

Yeah, yours is the better milk float.

[LAUGHS]

Back in the pits, Hammond had an idea for the next test.

We've got to drive to the hotel yet. It's about an hour away.

It gives us a chance to see what they're like on the road.

That's a good point.

Real world.

That is a good point.

I can't do that.

I can't drive the Ferrari on the road.

Why?

It's not registered.

It is, it's got number plates.

No, that's just pretend number plates.

If they register it, it becomes second-hand and they pay tax. That's why it came in the lorry.

So you can't drive it on the road either?

Nobody can drive it. It's not road legal.

Oh, no.

Mate, that's...

That is such a shame.

It's an hour of-

That's really a rotten bit of luck.

'Cause you've come a long way from Italy.

I can't give you a lift 'cause the soundman's headphones are on the seat and the mixer.

James: Oh, no.

There's literally nothing I can do.

Soon Richard and I were enjoying the world's best-ever commute.

It may be a bit Spartan in here, but it's unbelievably comfortable.

Because it uses electronics rather than traditional anti-roll bars.

That means there's no physical connection between the wheels.

So if one goes over a bump the others aren't affected.

It's uncanny. It's like being in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

It's a lovely evening. Taken the roof panels out.

Set the air-con just so.

And I'm enjoying a drive in the country.

[CHUCKLES]

Jeremy: Meanwhile...

[CHUCKLES]

James: Oh, bloody hell.

[BEEPING]

You're all right.

You're all right, in Italian.

[CAR HORN]

[CAR HORNS]

Oh, God.

[CHEERING]

James.

What?

I'm sorry to have to say this, but that Ferrari is useless.

Yes, yes, yes. Later on in part two, when these two have stopped dreaming up idiotic and irrelevant tests that it can't take part in, we shall see.

Fair enough. Now, at this point in the show we like to sit down and chew the fat about new cars and motoring issues.

Like, for example, why in Britain we have to drive at 50 miles an hour when they're doing roadworks to protect the workforce which is never there.

Yes, okay...

And why fully-grown adults have taken to riding around the city on children's toys?

Yes, okay.

I think they're called bicycles.

Is that the right word?

It's issues like that.

It's a segment we are calling Conversation Street.

♪♪ [JAZZY TUNE]

[LAUGHTER]

Well...

What?

[CHEERING]

We put a lot of work into that!

It was really, really hard doing that.

Better than that, rather brilliantly, we have made a bespoke version of that sting for every single episode we're gonna make for the next three years.

How about that?

[CHEERING]

But hold on. The slight problem with that is that we were so busy doing that we didn't think actually of anything to talk about.

We did.

Yeah.

What?

You'll love this.

James May, the world's slowest moving human being, has been caught speeding.

[GASPS OF SURPRISE]

Actually charged by the police.

Criminal.

He's actually quite proud of it.

He did it on a Honda CBR 600RR sports bike.

The thing was...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Richard and I were genuinely astonished.

He came into the office and said, "I've been done for speeding."

Until we found out how fast he was going.

James, how fast was it again?

37 miles an hour.

Crazy! Mad man!

How did you even breathe at that kind of speed?

How did the police catch you? Were they running?

Gentle jog for sure.

The thing is, if you've been caught, 'cause we genuinely don't believe anyone in the world has, but if you've been caught speeding at a speed less than 37, do honestly please write to us and let us know.

'Cause we don't think it's possible.

And mark your envelope, "I'm a tortoise."

And that is all we have time for this week on Conversation Street.

Whoa! Hang on a minute.

What?

The first-ever show, and you just mock me for my speeding ticket and then we move on?

It's a busy show.

It is a busy show. We've got to tell everyone about our track.

Yes, we have one.

[CHEERING]

This is the sort of place where you can drive cars at speeds that you can do on the road but only if you want to go to prison afterwards.

What, like 38 miles an hour?

39 maybe even, 40 from time to time.

Now, we were hoping that we could bring it round the world with us like the tent.

But unfortunately it's too heavy, and, as you are about to see, too bitey.

This is it.

It's not a race circuit.

It's not an airfield.

It's not a road.

What it is is brilliant and fast.

And extremely dangerous.

It even looks dangerous on a map.

Because as you can see, it's the exact same shape as the Ebola virus.

Right, time now to show you what a lap looks like.

To do that we've got a bit of a performance benchmark.

A Ferrari 488.

Take it away.

[REVVING]

Take it away.

First up, it's the Isn't Straight, so called because it isn't straight.

There is a super-fast left followed by a super-fast right.

And if you make a mistake, there's no run-off area or Armco.

It's just woods.

Woods that are full of wildlife which likes to run out in front of you.

After the second right on the Isn't Straight, we're into Your Name Here Corner.

Sponsorship opportunities are available here.

However, I should explain that it's possible nobody will be looking at your banner because this is a corner that was designed so a car can do this.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Ladies and gentlemen, James May... isn't here today.

That's just a friend of mine on his way back up the Isn't Straight... towards Old Lady's House.

We've called this section Old Lady's House, because it's right next to a house where an old lady lives.

She tells us she likes cars.

Says she used to have one.

Not sure she's going to like them quite so much after we've been here a few times.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Next up, there's a narrow and bumpy sprint to Sub Station.

You need to get this 90-left right, or you'll crash into a cage full of electricity.

And you'll need to get the final 90-left right as well, or you'll run into a field of sheep.

So, trees, animals, a house, electricity, and because it's in England, usually quite a lot of moisture in the air.

It really is the most dangerous track anywhere in the world.

To post a fast time here, you do need... those.

The car I've selected for my first lap of the Eboladrome is this.

The BMW M2.

Sadly, there isn't the time in this, our first-ever show, to do a full road test of this car, but there is time to say that I think this is the best M car BMW has ever made.

In a lot of fast cars these days, you get all sorts of knobs and buttons which you can use to change-

I say change- I mean ruin the characteristics of the engine and the suspension and the steering and so on.

And I always think, isn't that like a chef bringing a fish to your table and an oven and some butter and a bit of parsley, and saying, "Cook it yourself"? No.

You cook it, it's what I'm paying for.

This car, happily, has a more back-to-basics approach.

In the M2, you get a little rocker switch down here which does nothing at all as far as I can see, and that's it.

You're buying a car which was set up at the factory by engineers who know what they're doing.

And all you have to do is enjoy it.

Which I am doing.

Yes, look at this.

Oh, yeah, loving that.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll do that again, actually, and make sure- make sure I was correct.

There's hardly any understeer at all.

Poke the back out and hold it there.

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

I'll do that again... only going the other way.

Wrong way round Your Name Here.

Klaus and Fritz, I am loving your work.

Oh, I made a mess of that. But I'll just do this, and it'll look like I did it on purpose.

With the tires begging for mercy, I got back onto the Isn't and unleashed 365 rampaging horsepowers from the turbo-charged three-liter straight six.

This isn't as fast in a straight line as an M3, but everywhere else... it is better.

It feels less heavy, less cumbersome.

And due to the unique characteristics of our straight, I can tell the steering is less...

It's less twitchy.

This track was designed to trip cars up.

There are fast corners, slow corners, drifty corners, and bumps.

It's hard on the tires.

It's hard on the brakes. It's hard on the engine.

It's point and squirt and bark and yelp.

It is vicious.

But there is nothing here which has flummoxed the M2.

This thing is an absolute masterpiece.

Like I said, it is the best M car BMW has ever made.

You may think it's mad to suggest the cheapest M car is the best, but look at it this way, this track is a lot cheaper than Silverstone.

And I know which one I'd rather drive round.

[CHEERING]

Go drive an M2. Unbelievable.

What?

Why is there that zigzag at Old Lady's House?

That wasn't there when I went.

No, that wasn't.

But after you'd left, we discovered there is an unexploded Second World w*r b*mb, seriously, right where the track was, so we had to go round it.

Fair enough.

Let me get this right.

At our track, there's trees, animals, moisture, electricity, a house, and an unexploded b*mb?

Yeah. Like I said, it's the most dangerous track in the world.

Honestly, it makes Imola look like a duvet. Honestly.

Anyway, all the cars that we test at the Eboladrome will do a timed lap.

And to make sure it's a completely level playing field, they will all be driven by the same racing driver.

Audience: Ooh!

We thought about this. We gave it some thought.

How clever is that? Now...

[LAUGHTER]

The thing is, Amazon insisted that the racing driver in question should be from this side of the pond.

So we went to something called NASCAR?

And we found one. We shipped him to England and then we introduced him to the complicated procedure which involves turning right.

He's called Mike Skinner, but we know him simply as "the American."

We should warn you that some of his views are quite strong.

Yes, he has very specific views, for example, on cars that have engines with fewer than eight cylinders.

Communist.

Or more than eight cylinders.

Communist.

Or cars that have their engine in the middle.

Communist.

Everything that isn't American really with a V8 is communist.

So let's see how he gets on with the M2.

There he is.

Looking utterly bewildered.

But he's off. A skitter of a wheel spin.

And immediately he's onto the Isn't Straight.

There is a right there that will have confused him.

Now a left, he'll be good at that.

Now he can open the taps.

Three liters, six cylinders.

This thing wouldn't pull a greasy string out of a dog's ass.

Jeremy: I've literally no idea what he's talking about.

Where I come from, this ain't a car.

It's a cry for help.

Jeremy: Whatever.

He's through the final corner on the Isn't Straight.

Into Your Name Here. Hard on the brakes.

Grabbing the stick, which is on the left-hand side of where he's sitting, and turning in.

See what I mean? No understeer at all.

Damn tracks are narrower than my driveway.

Yeah, that's 'cause it doesn't have a monster truck on it.

Wonder which one of them came up with this thing.

The tall one? The short one? Or the one with the girly hair?

Jeremy: Okay, coming up to Old Lady's House.

Hard on the brakes.

Turning in, round the unexploded b*mb, and now opening the taps again.

No turbo lag at all, as he hammers down the bumpy back straight towards Sub Station.

This is a 90-left, new Tarmac but it held it well.

One more 90-left to go through Field Of Sheep.

And he's done it well. And across the line.

[CHEERING]

First one. That's good.

He's great.

He's great going left and right. Amazing.

To make sure that the M2- that wasn't on the lap board all by itself, we got the American to put other benchmark cars- we call them benchmark cars, he calls them communist- around the track, to see what's what.

There they all are: McLaren, Audi and so forth.

Hang on a minute. We saw a Ferrari 488 at the track in the film earlier on.

Why isn't that on there?

Because Ferrari wouldn't let us time it.

Wouldn't let us?

No.

So the Ferrari LaFerrari can't go on the road or run on electric only?

No.

And the 488 can't do a timed lap?

Ferrari are quite tricky to deal with from time to time.

Let's just put it that way and move on. It's time to see where the M2 goes on that board.

Let's have a look. Let's put it on.

Oh!

Richard: Ha-ha!

Wow! Wow!

"I think it's the best M car they've ever made."

Not my words.

"I prefer it to all the others that are quicker than it."

Yes, it's-

The one you should have, if you want one that's slower than all the other M cars.

It's better. It's only two seconds-

It's quicker than a Civic.

Yeah.

But it's slower than-

If you had a choice of M cars, lined them up, and said, "I'd like the fastest", it wouldn't be that one.

Shut up.

Better in every single way?

You said that.

I don't care. Have you driven one?

I have.

It's fabulous.

It's a brilliant car. It really honestly is.

It's a shame we can't take the track round the world with us.

Because if we did, we could invite celebrities to drive round it and we could keep a score sheet of who was the fastest.

[LAUGHTER]

No, I don't like it!

I don't like it, no.

I don't think it would work.

Nobody wants to watch that.

I'm not sure that they do. Anyway, we've got a better idea, Okay, for our celebrities.

We're calling it Celebrity Brain Crash, and we had a sting made for that as well.

That is terrible.

I don't like to use this...

[CHEERING]

Richard: It's just terrible.

Who is gonna say, "I'm gonna watch that new Amazon car show.

Henry VIII's head explodes"?

Why is there smoke coming out of Brad Pitt's head?

What are we trying to say?

No, we're not.

No, we're not saying that.

Not that.

That is a terrible sting, but the machine itself isn't terrible at all.

It's used to measure somebody's mental agility, their observational skills and their ability to multi-task.

It's actually based on a machine that's used to test fighter pilots who want to join the Royal Air Force which, as we all know, is the finest and greatest air force in the world.

[JEERING]

What do you mean, "Boo"? What do you mean, "Boo"? What?

If that was true, we wouldn't have to help you every time you get in trouble.

[UPROAR, CHEERING]

I'll hold myself back here.

Now, hold on. You lot can grumble as much as you like, but we edit this show and we're British, so you'll just get cut out.

[BOOING]

We're all in agreement.

That the Royal Air Force is better than the US Air Force.

[CHANTING] USA! USA! USA!

[JEERING]

We're all in agreement the Royal Air Force is better than all the other air forces in the world.

[JEERING]

We're all now in agreement.

The Royal Air Force is- is the best air force in the world.

[BOOING]

So we're all in agreement the Royal Air Force is quite good.

[JEERING]

That will do. That will do.

So let's get back to Celebrity Brain Crash and meet our first-ever guest.

Normally on other shows, the guest will come through a sparkly curtain, wave a bit and then sit down, but not here.

Oh, yes, our guests make a proper arrival.

And on that note, let's meet tonight's star.

He has been in pretty much every single movie franchise there is apart from Bridget Jones.

No, he was Bridget Jones.

Was he?

No.

But it doesn't matter. He was in the Bourne films.

He was in the Mission Impossible films, the Avengers films, and right now he is 10.000 feet above us, waiting to make one hell of an entrance.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Renner!

[CHEERING]

There he is. There he is, that's his plane.

[CHEERING]

Hold on, everybody. Here he comes.

He is ready to jump.

I'm ready!

He is ready to jump. And there he goes!

Richard: That is amazing to see him doing his own stunts.

Jeremy: Yeah, I know. And he is looking good!

When he gets here, I do want to talk to him about that Bourne Legacy film.

A: what it was like to punch Shane Jacobson.

And, B... Ooh, hang on.

He's leaving this terribly late.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

[APPLAUSE]

Right.

Does that mean he's not coming on, then?

No, James, he's not.

It's okay, though. We anticipated this sort of thing, so we got a back-up guest ready.

Uh...

He was in Man From Uncle.

He was in Lone Ranger. He was both twins in The Social Network.

And his new film is called Nocturnal Animals.

We haven't had time, unfortunately, to organize a dramatic entrance, but I hope you'll give him a warm welcome nevertheless.

Ladies and gentlemen, Armie Hammer!

There he is.

Oh, my...

Jesus!

Is that a snake?

It's a snake.

That's a rattlesnake.

Is it?

Yeah.

He's being k*lled. Quiet, everyone.

Quiet, please.

There's literally nothing we can do.

He's yards away from us.

Snakes are like herds of them.

They hunt in packs.

Yeah, they're pack animals.

Does that mean he's not coming on either?

No, James, he's finished writhing around in agony.

And now he's dead.

So that is a no.

Well, uh... maybe there's somebody famous in the audience.

That's unlikely.

No. Seriously, you know Carol Vorderman?

She rang me this morning from an air show nearby and said, can she come to the show?

I know you don't know who Carol Vorderman is.

She's a huge, huge, huge star in the UK.

She started out on a program called Countdown and established herself as being unbelievably brilliant, a fantastic mathematician and very beautiful.

Yes, she's also dead.

What?

What?

She's dead.

How did that happen?

I don't know. I'm not a pathologist!

But she's dead is what she is.

Seriously?

Yes!

Christ.

Problem.

What are we gonna do?

Um...

Jesus, look at that out there. It's like a-

It's just littered with corpses.

[LAUGHTER]

Lads, I don't think this bit is working.

Let's drop Celebrity Brain Crash this week.

We'll do it again in South Africa next week, and I think people will have forgotten all this.

They might not.

I think they will.

We'll just skip over it now. It's not gonna happen.

That's okay, 'cause we can back to the cars.

Yes! Moving on!

[CHEERING]

Don't look.

Yes, don't look.

This week-

This week we are trying to find out which of the new breed of hybrid hypercars is the best.

Yes. On day one at the track in Portugal, we established that the McLaren P1 is a mentalist, that the Porsche 918 is a very good milk float, and that the Ferrari LaFerrari can do nothing at all.

Some of that is true.

But now, day two.

Jeremy: We began by lining up the three most exciting cars on the planet for the drag race of all drag races.

Naturally, this meant engaging launch control, which in the McLaren takes about a fortnight.

I have to have the drive tray in track mode, the aero package in sport mode, so that the rear end squats when I set off and gives me more traction.

I have to have the DRS button pressed with my thumb to keep the rear wing open which reduces drag obviously.

Launch control in the Porsche, left foot on the brake hard.

Right foot on the throttle hard.

Light goes green, left foot off brake. Pa-ching!

Launch button, press for two seconds.

Left foot on brake. Right foot on throttle.

Press launch control, mash the throttle, within four seconds release the brake.

Three seconds later, I have full boost, and I have to set off within three seconds or the entire system disengages.

I'm going to get this wrong.

Just so you know.

I've got a lot to do in here.

[REVVING]

[BEEP]

I wasn't ready.

Oh, my God! That is quick!

Holy mother! Did you see that?

[BLEEP] me! Jesus [BLEEP] Christ!

It's all over the place.

Since it was clear I'd got all my buttons wrong, the chaps agreed to another run.

Sit rep, the lights went green before the boost was ready, and I had the DRS button still pressed when I got to the end, which meant I had no downforce, which meant- Well, poo came out.

This time I'm gonna do it with more drag, which will slow me down, but I will be able to stop without k*lling myself.

[REVVING]

KERS system charged. Right.

Jeremy: Boost building.

Three, two...

And we are away! What a start!

The Porsche has got off to a flyer.

Oh, balls!

180, 190, 210.

230 kilometers an hour.

That wasn't very good.

Because James had somehow messed up that time, and because this test was about the cars, we decided to go again.

It's a rocket ship.

For England!

No, no!

Okay, we have all three won this now.

Jeremy: Determined to find a definitive one-two-three finishing order, we ran again.

[BEEP]

Another totally different result there, gentlemen.

And again.

That's a different result again.

Jeremy: And again?

At this point, we decided to call a halt to proceedings, because we had reached a scientific conclusion.

It turns out it doesn't really matter which car you buy, it all depends on your shoes.

Now, this is a TOD loafer.

Slightly worn to get a crisper jump off the brake pedal, and it's immediate.

This is a Converse.

There's more sponge in there than I thought.

See, Adidas, they weren't thinking that through.

So, as you lift your foot up- - It's a millisecond.

I know you've got KERS, I know you've got a 6.3-litre V12, and I know that launch control system is amazing, but it's all let down by the sponginess of the Adidas shoe.

So they should sell you the car and the shoes.

No, have you got the correct shoes and have you worn them in?

Exactly.

Fresh shoes, lads.

I just need to- - You need to skid about. There we go.

With that sorted, it was time to bring in a racing driver to see which of our cars could do the fastest lap.

Our resident American said he wasn't interested, because all three cars are probably communist.

So instead, we went for a Belgian chap-

[g*nf*re]

...who's done Formula One and Formula E, Jerome d'Ambrosio.

Jerome took the cars out to get a sense of how they handled.

And when he'd finished, we were interested to hear his professional opinion.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Richard: At this point, word reached us that Jeremy was taking liberties with the subtitling machine.

So we moved on to the big event: the timed laps.

Once the mechanics had finished their preparations, the three speed traps were activated.

And the Ferrari LaFerrari took its place on the start line.

Look how good it looks there.

This is just wasting time. It's wasting rubber and fuel.

No, this is like an amuse-bouche.

Yeah, it is. You have ordered the duck and sherry trifle.

And you're a melon ball.

I'm not even listening.

[BEEPING]

Gentlemen, it is doing 231.4 kilometers an hour at the end of the straight.

It's about the same speed as a Golf diesel, something like that.

194.9.

Going down the hill using gravity.

Is he stopping off for shopping?

He must be.

Here he is.

James, if you want to get a cup of tea.

We've warmed the track.

Richard: Next it was the turn of the Porsche 918.

How much faster will it go because of the stripes?

Much.

231 point...

So he's faster than the Ferrari.

Richard: 183.0.

Way, way, way slower than him.

Don't forget between here and the next measuring point, Okay, you've got four slow corners, and those are the ones where the Porsche is gonna make up time.

Because of the four-wheel steering.

Like a Honda Prelude?

No!

110 point what?

One.

So, almost to a tenth of a kilometer an hour, the same speed as you.

Richard: Here he comes. He's f*ring noises.

There it is. Look at that.

Jeremy: Finally, it was the turn of the psycho k*ller.

The trickiest, the edgiest of the three.

But I was so confident it'd win, I was prepared to take a massive gamble.

If the McLaren isn't the fastest, you two can knock my house down.

What?

Knock it down.

What, your house?

Yeah, and I mean that.

That's how confident I am that that will be the fastest.

You know we will do that?

Yeah.

It's a serious bet?

Yeah.

Fine.

If that's not the fastest, we can knock your house down?

Yup.

You know where it is. You've both been.

I'd love to knock it down.

Here we go. A lot riding on this.

235.9.

Okay, it's fastest at the end of the first straight.

Would you like to come to my house for dinner?

Yes. Can I bring a bulldozer?

188.3.

That is worryingly quick. Brisk.

It's quite brisk?

We don't know how fast it's going around the tight turns.

Might have been doing two kilometers an hour around here.

Where is he?

Crashed.

With that, back to the tent.

[CHEERING]

Thank you so much. Now...

I want to make it absolutely plain, 'cause I know this matters to anoraks, all three cars were running on exactly the same sort of tires.

Yes, same tires, same track, same driver.

So the times are down to the cars.

Yup. And now it is time to reveal those times.

Let me just make it absolutely clear.

We don't know what they are.

The producers have kept them from us.

They're top secret.

Yup.

So, let's put the scoreboard up, and let's begin with the Ferrari LaFerrari, I believe.

Let's see what it did it in, please.

We don't know if that's any good, do we?

Let's move on and do the Porsche next.

What did the Porsche do it in?

Oh, yes! 1:54.2!

Yes! Yes! You see?

You said it would mince the Porsche.

And it didn't mince it. It was slower than the Porsche.

I told you it's just a melon ball.

It's slower than my car, which was faster than your car.

0.2 of a second, and it looks better.

Yeah, it did in my mirror where it belongs getting smaller.

It's a melon ball, and it lost.

Hammond.

What?

Calm down.

All right.

Because now we must bring up the time that really matters.

The one where a lot's at stake.

The McLaren... [CLEARS THROAT]

The McLaren P1.

Are you nervous? Sure?

No. No.

A little bit?

No!

I'm not nervous.

Why be nervous?

You could get, like, a shopping trolley and keep all your things in it.

Make some new friends under a bridge somewhere.

Hammond.

I'd say sell your body but don't do that.

Be quiet! Let's-

Let's bring up the time of the P1. Here we go.

Oh, God.

Where is it?

[UPROAR]

Yes!

That is funny. Because you said... the fastest, but it's not the fastest.

It's the slowest!

Ladies and gentlemen, journalist, broadcaster and homeless man, Jeremy Clarkson.

[CHEERING]

That's what it is. That's what it is.

You're not really going to knock my house down?

Yes, we are.

A bet is a bet.

That's the deal.

And we're going to film it.

No, but the thing is, on the tires that the McLaren can be bought with, it was faster.

We agreed right at the start we'd all run on the same tires.

That was the deal before your car lost.

So let's just...

Let's just sum this first show up, shall we?

I've lost my house.

We've had a fight with the audience.

Big one.

Somebody sh*t our drone down.

And we've k*lled three quite major celebrities.

Yeah, but on the plus side, my Porsche was the fastest!

[CHEERING]

And on that terrible disappointment, I'm afraid it's time to end.

Thank you all very much for coming.

Thank you for watching.

And we'll see you next week in Johannesburg.

Good-bye!

[CHEERING]

♪ Oh, sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪