01x02 - Operation Desert Stumble: Johannesburg, South Africa

[bunniefuu]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Greetings. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to The Grand Tour. And in this week's programme: I drive a saloon car.

[EXPLOSIONS]

James drives a catering lorry.

And Richard has a Kn*fe fight.

Let's dance.

[LAUGHTER]

That is all to come, but first of all, let me talk you through where we are. It's South Africa.

Over there, in the distance, you can see Johannesburg.

But this place here is called The Cradle of Humankind.

Now it's called that because archaeologists have determined it was on this very spot that mankind separated from the ape.

Ahem.

Well, I mean...

[CHEERING]

See? We haven't even begun.

What?

Be reasonable.

You've learnt to put socks on, but other than that, mate...

Listen, I'm trying to be profound here, OK?

Carry on, carry on.

I'm trying to be profound.

Because this is ground zero.

This is where all of human history began.

Anyone who comes here, it's like coming home.

Jeremy.

What?

How long has it taken some of us to evolve from being apes?

[LAUGHTER]

It's taken two million and a hundred...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING AND GOADING]

You at home may be wondering why everybody here is applauding, but it's because while the rest of mankind has managed to grasp the concept of arithmetic, the President of South Africa, Jacob Zuma...

Well, how can I put this? He sort of hasn't.

I've got a clip here to show you what I'm on about.

We announce that our membership figures stood at... 769, eight-hundred and...

[LAUGHTER]

700...

[LAUGHTER]

Listen properly.

769 thousand, 820...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, honestly.

The funny thing is...

Jacob Zuma is a bit of a controversial figure here.

He recently installed a swimming pool at his home.

And then, because he'd used taxpayers' money to do that, he said it was actually a water storage facility in case of a fire.

So, in other words, if he burst into flames, he can jump into it and put himself out in ten hundred and... three hundred... seconds.

He has also bought himself what he claims is a fire engine.

Nice.

He's also got himself an ambulance.

Yep. Can't be too careful.

Motoring in South Africa.

Big problem here, of course, is the wildlife, because how do you accurately warn motorists that there may be a deer-y thing ahead and it could be full of helium?

[LAUGHTER]

Well, the authorities have had a go.

They've come up with this as a sign.

It's not bad, except they've got the word wrong.

[LAUGHTER]

What?

It's wrong, isn't it?

It's not baboons.

No, it's not.

We're from England. We know that's not a baboon.

Baboons are actually very dangerous here.

[LAUGHTER]

Certainly, they've got a better idea of how to handle a g*n than the local police.

[LAUGHTER]

He's actually using that as a sh**ting stick.

Shall we get on with the show?

Yes, good idea. Good plan.

Yes, let's.

And we start with Aston Martin.

The company must have had a meeting recently and the bosses must have said, "It's gonna be a few years now until the next Bond film is out, so what are we gonna do at Aston Martin to generate some headlines in the meantime?"

And what they must have decided is, to make a car that is as good as a car can be.

They weren't talking about making a racing car because in racing there are rules about how big the engine can be and what sort of tyres you can use.

And they weren't talking about making a road car, that would have to meet emissions regulations, have comfy rubber bits in the suspension.

And all that stuff would slow it down.

Exactly. They wanted to make a car that adhered to no rules and no regulations.

So they have.

This is what they came up with.

It costs £1.8 million.

And it's called the Vulcan.

Spectacular, isn't it?

But not very practical.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, God. Ow!

Agh!

[GRUNTS]

Hold on... Nope.

How are you...?

No.

Agh!

Now I'm totally stuck.

Oh, yeah.

[PANTING]

You will be able to edit this out, won't you?

I don't want people thinking I'm fat.

Right. I'm gonna pop it into gear now.

You may hear this a little bit.

[CLUNK]

[CLUNK]

[LOW BUZZING]

[CLUNK]

Good. First.

Er... foot on clutch.

And now it's time to fire up the seven-litre V12.

[CLUNK]

[ENGINE REVS]

[CLUNK]

[ENGINE STOPS]

[CLUNK]

[LOW BUZZING]

It's quite normal.

[CLUNK]

[ENGINE REVS]

[ENGINE REVS]

When I got going, things didn't get much better.

Even at slow speeds, it is quite loud in here, which is why I'm wearing this silly face microphone so you can hear what I'm on about.

The noisiest part of this car, however, is not the engine.

[ENGINE REVS]

[SQUEALING]

That's the brakes.

[SQUEALING]

They are quite... They are quite squeaky.

[BRAKES CONTINUE TO SQUEAL]

It actually sounds like I'm stamping on a piglet.

And things get worse when you put your foot down.

[ENGINE REVS]

I'm not going to say that it's like being att*cked by a bear because it isn't.

But it is like being in a room with a bear that's thinking of attacking you.

At the moment I've turned the engine down on this knob here to its minimum setting.

It's only producing 500 horsepower.

So it's not really the speed that's scary.

Oh, God!

It's the noise and the harshness and the vibrations.

It's not a very well-equipped car either.

The windows don't wind down, for instance.

There are no toys at all.

And you only get half a steering wheel.

However, there is one amazing thing you get for your £1.8 million.

An all-expenses-paid trip to a racetrack of your choice, where an Aston Martin test driver will teach you how to drive your car, not with the engine wound down to 500 horsepower, but with it turned up...

...to the max.

Holy cow! Ha-ha-ha!

The engine is now producing 820 horsepower.

And the speed just beggars belief.

The bear is in att*ck mode.

The figures say it'll do 0-60 in 2.9 seconds.

And has a top speed of 208 with that wing on the back.

But it feels a hell of a lot faster than that.

Oh, God!

The other thing you get for your money is a squadron of mechanics.

But sadly... not a handbrake.

Right, what I've done now is I've taken... yes...

I've taken the steering wheel off, so I can't put it in gear to stop it rolling away.

Oh, God.

Agh.

Argh, argh...

When I'd finally got it to stop, the jacks were deployed and the mechanics set to work.

That's the thing about the Vulcan.

Wing angle, roll bar, suspension, brakes.

Everything can be adjusted to suit your personal taste.

After ten minutes of pretending I knew what they were doing, I was back on the track.

And the car felt... just as bonkers as it had done before.

However, I've changed.

I've been driving this thing now, I don't know, three or four hours, and I'm starting to... understand it.

I'm starting to get used to it.

I'm starting to trust it.

Now I'm starting to understand... why the Vulcan can go round the Nardo handling circuit in southern Italy nine seconds faster than the McLaren P1.

Nine seconds in car time, that's a year!

You get phenomenal mechanical grip in the low-speed corners, and then, on the Isn't Straight, you've got a ton-and-a-half of downforce, thanks to its aerodynamics.

Then you have the power from the engine, which feels, well, old-fashioned.

Proper.

I'm surprised it doesn't have carburettors.

I love this thing very much.

And what I love most of all is that it's not a test bed.

It's not an example of what cars will be like in the future.

It's a celebration of what they were like in the past.

What it is... is old time rock'n'roll.

[CHEERING]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

So...

What?

I get the impression you quite liked the car.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

What I loved most of all is they've made it out of bits that they already had lying around in the factory.

It's like you going home after your tripto South Africa, opening the fridge, and using what's there to make a delicious shepherd's pie.

What, some stale milk and an old piece of cheese?

[LAUGHTER]

And it costs £1.8 million?

Yes.

How much is that, Jeremy, in rand?

Ten hundred and 30 million and a million.

[LAUGHTER]

But for that it does 0-60 in 2.9 seconds?

So it's nearly as fast as an Aventador or a Caterham R600, or an Ariel Atom V8, but much more expensive!

And not road legal.

Yes. Thank you very much for relieving yourself all over my enthusiasm.

You're welcome.

[LAUGHTER]

It is a brilliant, brilliant car.

And only one question now remains.

How fast will it go round our track in the hands of a man who thinks that everything British is basically communist?

Here he is.

Looking a bit confused.

All right, folks, let's see what this bag of bolts will do.

Jeremy: And he's off, and immediately on to the Isn't Straight.

First corner coming up.

And he's flat through there. That is ballsy.

Changing down, though, for the second corner on the Isn't Straight, but now he can use full power.

800 brake horsepower?

Are you kiddin' me?

Jeremy: Now, hard on the brakes for Your Name Here.

He has got to be impressed with this.

For about $50,000, I could get one of my old trucks NASCAR style.

It's got 800 brake horsepower.

Go deer hunting, you got room for a couple deer in the back.

I don't think you can put no deer in this thing.

Jeremy: Plenty of deer to run over, though, back on the Isn't Straight.

James Bond drives one of these.

sh*t. Vin Diesel would whip his ass.

Jeremy: Yes, I'm sure he would, but down into first.

[TYRES SQUEAL]

I don't know about this thing.

It's like a red-headed stepchild I'm talkin'.

Be damn ugly.

Jeremy: Not sure he's fully concentrating past Old Lady's House.

But he is flat out towards Substation. It is bumpy here.

And there's new Tarmac on the apex. Will it kick the tail out?

Yes, it does indeed. He's OK.

Into Field of Sheep. No sheep today.

And he's across the line.

[CHEERING]

Hell of a track, though.

It is a hell of a track.

Big car.

Anyway, we must now bring up the lap board and find out how fast the American got round in the Vulcan.

Let's have a look. Ooh, it's quick.

Richard: Oh, hello. Hello.

[CHEERING]

There you go, see? Old time rock'n'roll.

Old time rock'n'roll has beaten rap and techno.

And R and B.

[LAUGHTER]

And is now at the top.

Very good.

Well done, and thank you. Now we must move on.

It's time for us to take a gentle stroll down Conversation Street.

[MOODY JAZZ SAXOPHONE]

Right, sticking with Aston Martin, they've teamed up with Red Bull Racing to create this.

It's called the 001.

It has a V12, no turbos, none of that sort of hybrid witchcraft.

Yet it produces 900 horsepower in a car that only weighs 900 kilos.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

Staggering.

Well, more than staggering, that is a magic figure, cos that means it has one horsepower per kilogram.

And no other car gets close to that.

Not remotely. The Vulcan's barely half that. It's staggering.

The only problem I have with this... and you just have to look at it.

Another angle we've got here. Look at that.

You know that car is gonna be all about aerodynamics and particularly downforce.

And I hate downforce.

What do you mean, you hate downforce?

Because they tell you you can go round a 90-degree bend at 100mph because of the weight of the air pressing down on the body.

It's like having an invisible elephant.

[LAUGHTER]

What if the elephant falls off?

[LAUGHTER]

It's not a real elephant! It can't fall off!

But how can you trust something you don't see?

Wait. No, I'm with him because what if you drove through a sudden vacuum?

Well, that's not gonna happen either, is it?

Hammond, listen. There has to be a speed in a car with active downforce, like that one, where you go round a corner too fast for the tyres, too fast for the mechanical grip, but not fast enough for the downforce to be working.

So you'd have to say to the police, "I crashed because I wasn't going fast enough."

It's true.

Potentially.

There's another point, actually, the handling is gonna depend on the weather.

If it's a really hot day, the air will be thinner.

No, thicker.

No, it's thinner on a hot day.

See, I'd be messed up already cos I'd have the wrong...

That's the point. You got a really hot day, and you don't really want to be driving a car where whether or not you get round a corner depends on whether or not the sun's out.

So you now want weather forecasts to include cornering speeds?

It's not just weather. Altitude.

You could drive that car round a corner at 100mph in Holland, sea level, but, what are we here, 6,000 feet up?

6,000 feet up here.

You'd barely be able to get round at three mph.

You'd crash it into a tree, or a visible elephant.

[LAUGHTER]

They are real.

Exactly. I just... Honestly, downforce...

I don't like having to trust something you can't see.

It's like North Korea.

[LAUGHTER]

Or the contraceptive pill.

[LAUGHTER]

That was an overshare.

[LAUGHTER]

There's actually another hyper car I want to draw your attention to.

Replacement for the Veyron.

Audience: Oooh!

That is the Bugatti Chiron.

It's got a quad turbo 8-litre W16 engine, which every minute inhales 13,000 gallons of air.

Just imagine.

It's unbelievable.

1,500 horsepower.

And the top speed is limited to 261 mph.

They say it would do 288 but that would be irresponsible on the road.

[LAUGHTER]

It's got diamonds in the speakers for better sound quality.

Of course it has, yeah.

Oh, you'll like this. At top speed, the force on each tyre is 3,800G.

A man dies at 9G.

If you drive the Chiron flat out it'll drain its t*nk in nine minutes.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Nine minutes?

[LAUGHTER]

Hang on a minute. 261mph at nine minutes.

That means you'd have to fill up with fuel every 39 miles.

Well, less... you can't drive until you run out, you'd have to look for a petrol station.

Yes, James, it really isn't a practical car, is it?

[LAUGHTER]

Gonna give you the most amazing stat, though.

It's about the people who are buying this car.

They've got 200 orders so far.

And the average person who's ordered one already has 64 cars, three helicopters, three jets and one yacht.

Zuma.

[LAUGHTER]

I reckon he's got one already.

Didn't say that. He didn't say that.

Shall we move it on?

In South Africa, there are 35 carjackings every day.

Every day?

Every day.

I've got to say, well done, that's an amazing figure.

I can't believe it. How have you got time to come here?

Cos you've got stuff to do.

They've all come here in someone else's car.

[LAUGHTER]

So you've already done it?

But what they don't realise is they're all walking home.

I've done a bit of research.

The most commonly jacked cars, carjacked cars, are the VW Polo, the Toyota Hiace and the Toyota Hilux.

But they're the best-selling cars in South Africa.

Exactly. The VW Polo is the best-selling car in South Africa.

So why would you buy a car which increases your chance of being sh*t in the head and your car being stolen?

Why not buy a car that nobody would want to steal?

No, cos if I lived here, I'd get something like a beige Volvo Estate.

That's just a car you want!

[LAUGHTER]

You're using it as an excuse to get your dream car.

[LAUGHTER]

Look, Hammond, I've explained it to you before.

Having a Volvo Estate is a bit like needing to go to the dentist.

It's gonna happen. Get it over with. Just do it.

I don't want to get it over with.

That's like going to the dentist and saying, "Take all my teeth out cos they're gonna fall out."

At the barber's: "Just pull it all out, it'll fall out anyway."

The doctor: "Stop me being able to retain my urine. It's gonna happen, too."

I'm gonna bury myself and get it all over with once and for all.

He has got a point, seriously.

Let's enjoy it before we have to have the Volvo.

But why do you all buy cars that you're going to get carjacked in?

Has anyone got a Volkswagen Polo here?

You have? Did you buy that for yourself?

My dad bought it for me.

Your dad bought it?

[LAUGHTER]

Wow! Oh, nice gift!

What sort of madness is this?

Has anyone got a Toyota Hilux?

Yeah. This is insanity.

Is it yours?

[LAUGHTER]

What did you start out with this morning?

[LAUGHTER]

It's unbelievable.

Anyway, listen, we gotta move it on.

Because, here in South Africa, people have an interesting approach to preventing car theft.

Got a picture here of one man's solution.

Richard: That's a python.

Now there's no question it's gonna work.

I would not steal a car that had that on the dashboard.

However, a python's not like a burglar alarm.

You can't turn it off.

When you come back to your car, how do you say to the snake, "It's my car, don't strangle me."

[LAUGHTER]

You can't.

I'm pretty sure you can't train a python, can you?

You can't. That's why you never see sheep snakes or guide snakes for the blind.

[LAUGHTER]

It'll never happen.

I have to say, in England, we've got an even more stupid solution.

This chap's come up with an idea called "Bike Mine".

I've got a video of him here explaining how it works.

It can be attached quickly to protect almost any personal possession you store outside or in a garage or shed.

Its robust steel construction is covered in a rubber skin to protect your property.

Bike Mine is safe because the detonators are self-contained... as well as legal to own and use.

Bike Mine is reliable because there are no batteries to run down and only one moving part.

[SMALL expl*si*n]

[LAUGHTER]

It's not gonna work.

What I can't understand is, he said it can also protect any other personal property you may have.

What, like a Ming vase?

[LAUGHTER]

"Are you worried about your child being kidnapped?

Simply hang this b*mb round their neck."

[LAUGHTER]

So, moving on, to Jordan, weirdly, where the government has just built a mock town, so that special forces from all over the world can turn up and have a competition to see which one is best.

Yes, and this year, Mr Wilman, who is the Fat Man who controls our lives, decided that us three should go and take part.

Obviously there'd be a lot of sh**ting, running about and doing somersaults.

None of which we'd be any good at.

No, but, the SAS, the world's first special forces unit, was created to be fast, to get into the battle quickly and then get out again.

So there would also be a lot of high-speed driving.

Erm...

Yes, I know.

That is a bit of a problem. We'll gloss over that.

Anyway, we were sent out there and this is what happened.

Jeremy: This is it.

The special forces training base deep inside Amman.

The city, obviously, not... not...

Anyway, arriving now to demonstrate what we'd have to do later, a squad of special forces soldiers.

They exfoliated from a Black Hawk helicopter on ropes and then fought their way through a t*rror1st-infested building.

[g*nf*re]

Their next task was to steal a car, which they used to reach a h*jacked airliner.

Here they stormed the cabin, k*lled the bad guys...

[g*nf*re]

.. and rescued a VIP.

There was then a high-speed car chase and a running g*n battle, as they escorted the rescued hostage to the safety of a nearby embassy.

[g*nf*re]

James: That was quite impressive.

Well, it's not like they were using real b*ll*ts.

Yes, they were.

They were not.

They were!

Are you saying that on this, let's be honest, training ground, people are allowed to run around with real b*ll*ts in these g*ns?

Yes.

Rubbish.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

And there you are. Real b*ll*ts.

And I managed to sh**t myself.

Oh, yeah.

How did you do that?

Well, because, on an as*ault r*fle, the b*ll*ts come out this side and I'm a left-handed sh*t, so they just go up my arm, the casings.

You're gonna be rubbish at this.

Well, I'm not going to be able to use an as*ault r*fle.

I'm not gonna be able to storm that airliner.

I'm not gonna be able to get out of the helicopter.

Jeremy: Fearing that things may not go well, we were told to go and get ready.

And even that was fraught with difficulty.

Why are you wearing white?

Snow camouflage.

It has never, ever snowed in Jordan.

I didn't know where Jordan was.

You're gonna be quite visible.

[TEXT ALERT]

At this point, we received details of our mission from our boss, Mr Wilman.

"Each time one of you is k*lled, you all have to begin again."

So it's like that Tom Cruise movie.

What, Cocktail?

No, not Cocktail. Or Rain Man.

This is gonna take forever.

Jeremy: Nevertheless, we were soon in the helicopter on our way to the start of this important rescue mission.

Let's just get this straight.

When we get over the building, we leap out of the door and grab the rope and slide down it?

Pretty much, yeah, that's it. That's how it goes.

You could be leader.

Get out there, show us how it's done, we will follow.

I don't want to.

I've never climbed a rope or gone down one in my life.

Well, what a time. Get on with it.

Why don't you go first?

I can't do that. I'm scared of heights.

Lead by example.

Be an inspiration to your men.

Yeah, exactly.

How high will it be?

30 feet?

Yeah. You'll be fine.

What happens if you fell 30 feet?

Would you be going home with a head wand?

You'd be going home in this helicopter but not in that seat.

You'd be in a bucket in the corner.

OK, here it comes. Let's do this!

[BUZZER]

Whoa! Jesus Christ! Stop!

Oh, sh*t.

I'm very scared.

Mate, that's not the attitude.

Go on, then!

Don't like it!

Go down the rope!

Don't want to do it.

Loosen your hands a bit.

I don't want to.

Do you want me to tickle you on your belly?

No.

Well, go on, then!

Hammond!

Yeah?

My trousers have fallen down.

Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, Chuck Norris.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, yes. Have you ever in your whole life seen anything...

Aaagh!

I know I made that rope thing look a bit difficult, but actually it's surprisingly easy.

So, why don't you go first?

I've got a better idea.

What?

Why don't we just land the helicopter?

That is a good idea. Helicopters can land.

[QUIETLY] Stop, stop, stop. Hammond.

Right, listen, you open the door, and I'll throw this stun grenade in.

Good idea. In three...

No, wait, wait!

I don't know how it works.

Oh, for God's sake.

[MUTTERS TO HIMSELF]

Right. You ready, Hammond?

Both: Go!

[GRENADE THUDS]

[expl*si*n]

Come on!

[RAPID g*nf*re, JEREMY GROANS]

Richard: I thought you said it was a stun grenade?

Jeremy: I meant smoke.

James: I can't see a thing!

[ALL COUGH]

Literally nothing.

Jeremy: When the smoke finally cleared, we started our sweep.

Ssh. Quiet.

Dog. Dog.

No! It means door. There's a door!

There's a door.

It's not a bloody football, is it?

Kick it.

You put your foot flat.

That's how you do it.

Nobody there.

It's empty.

Nobody there.

Jeremy: Soon, though, they were there.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

[QUIETLY] We are trapped in this room.

Well, why don't we just go out of the window?

We could go out of the window.

Yeah, we could do that. Cover us.

Yeah, I'll cover you.

Richard: As Jeremy laid down covering fire...

[g*nf*re]

...May and I climbed out of the window.

But then, there was a problem.

[STRAINING AND GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

I'm stuck.

Well, push!

Ooh!

What?

[WHISPERS] The t*rrorists are in the room.

[WHISPERS] How do you know?

They're doing things to me.

Ooh.

Oooh.

This is very uncomfortable.

It's probably cos you're so tense.

Ohh. James!

What?

k*ll me.

sh**t me.

Gladly.

Please hurry up.

Fully a*t*matic?

Er...

Get on with it!

Just give him the lot.

In ten...

Not ten!

All right, in... three, two, one.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

How did you miss?

It's true what they say about machine g*ns.

You can't hit a thing with them.

What?

Just k*ll me.

We're trying! It's not that easy.

Hang on. I'm out.

Use the shovel. Hit me with that.

Right.

Do you want to say anything?

Yes. Final words. I hate you.

You know, I've dreamt about exactly this.

Hurry up!

Incoming!

[CLANGING THUD]

[RAPID g*nf*re]

We are trapped in this room.

Why don't we go out of the window?

Do you mind if I go through the door?

This is better.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Jeremy: Heroically we fought off all the attackers outside the building.

But then we were pinned down by a sn*per.

James. James.

What?

Go down there and steal that Renault.

Why?

Because this is a car show. We need a motoring element.

Good point.

Go!

Can you think of anybody on God's green Earth less able to do this kind of thing than him?

[g*nf*re]

I mean, he can play the harpsichord but that's not a skill we're gonna need today.

[g*nsh*t]

And he's been sh*t.

James.

What?

Go and steal that Renault over there.

Why?

Because this is a car show. We need a motoring element.

Good point.

Can you think of anybody on God's green Earth who's less able to do this sort of thing than him?

[g*nsh*t]

Can you think of anybody on God's green Earth...

[g*nsh*t]

Can you think of anybody...

[g*nsh*t]

Can you think...

[g*nsh*t]

James, you can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Nah, he'll miss eventually.

Oh, God.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh, for God's sake.

There it is.

Because Corporal Stubborn wouldn't budge from his tactic, Richard and I decided that on our next attempt we'd go into battle with some new equipment.

Go and steal that Renault.

[SCRATCHY RECORDING OF CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[CORK POPS]

[g*nsh*t]

Go and steal that Renault over there.

[MUSIC PLAYS AT HIGHER SPEED]

[CORK POPS]

[PANTING]

[g*nsh*t]

Ohhh!

[g*nf*re]

James, go and steal that Renault over there.

No.

What do you mean, no?

Well, there's a garage over there. It'll have some vehicles in it.

Oh, yeah.

Now we're in a car show.

Right, Jeremy, you go sort that sn*per, we'll get these started.

Good plan.

Right, there's no keys. I'll hotwire it.

Oh, there he is.

Say hello to my little friend.

[g*nsh*t]

[WHOOSHING]

Yes! What a sh*t!

[THUD]

Ohhh!

I'll never be able to do that again.

Jeremy!

What?

James has electrocuted himself.

Oh, what a...

Say hello to my little friend.

Right, there are no keys. I'll hotwire it.

Have you not seen every single movie ever made?

[ENGINE STARTS]

There's nowhere to put a g*n. That is a bad mark for Audi.

Sport, drive, traction control off.

Here we go!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Unbelievable.

Jeremy.

What?

Why did your trousers fall down?

Because there were so many grenades attached to them.

And in the down-draught of the helicopter...

I was very brave doing that. I was.

I'm sure I saw him crying.

They were tears of bravery.

Oh, that well-known expression. Tears of bravery.

Anyway, look, there's a bit of a trend in South Africa for making your own car, making a car from scratch.

We've got an example here.

This man's built this one based around the engine and a few bits from a BMW 318i.

And I've got to say, I think that's pretty cool.

It's brilliant.

There are lots of these.

I prefer this one, also with a BMW engine, a V8, but the bodywork is made of denim.

[LAUGHTER]

A man of exquisite taste.

[LAUGHTER]

I think the best of them all is so good, we've actually brought it into the studio.

Look, it's down here. Unbelievable, this.

It's a replica of a Mercedes C9.

Now that, Hammond, was the car that won the 24-hour Le Mans race in 1989.

And it's so amazing, I've brought out the man who built it.

Ladies and gentlemen, give him a warm hand. Johan Ackermann!

Thank you very much for coming.

[WHISTLING]

Can I just as...

Can I just ask, Johan, how did you get the styling to work?

Well, Jeremy, there was no drawings on the internet, so, erm... I got a book on the dimensions, but the closest I could get was a 1:32-scale model.

Hang on, so you measured your toy car, multiplied it by 32 and built a full-sized one.

Yep.

That's how you did it?

Is it road legal?

Fully road legal.

It's a real car, not a model?

Yeah.

How long did you spend building this?

From start to roadworthy was 16 months.

Right. Was there, or is there, a marriage to have survived this?

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I hope so.

My wife is here, so it must be a good sign.

Hello, patient lady.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, it's a remarkable achievement, and well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johan Ackermann.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

That's brilliant.

Brilliant.

We're moving on to a great idea that Richard Hammond and I have had all by our own.

And it is brilliant.

It is.

It's called, Making James May Do Something He Doesn't Want To Do.

[LAUGHTER]

And we kick off with spinning.

It's a South African thing. Fairly simple.

You get an elderly rear-wheel-drive car, take it to a car park where you do doughnuts in it to a backdrop of strong rap music.

[LAUGHTER]

It's lively, it's interesting, and it's youthful.

It's everything he isn't.

[LAUGHTER]

[RAP MUSIC]

[CHEERING]

[TYRES SQUEAL]

[TYRES SCREECH]

[TYRES SQUEAL]

Well, here we are, then, at one of Jo'burg's top spinning destinations, the aptly-named Wheelz 'n' Smoke Arena.

And the object of the exercise, as far as I can make out, is to create smoke.

[TYRES SQUEAL]

And drive round and round the arena until the tyres go bang.

[TYRES SQUEAL AND BLOW]

And then what's left of the tyres are put on a bonfire over there, to make sure there's absolutely nothing left.

[METAL GRATING]

[TYRES SQUEAL]

This is Stacy, and she's only about 17, I think.

And the word round here and the noise in the crowd says that Stacy is actually very good at this.

But how the bloody hell would I know? It's just a massive cloud of smoke...

...with some headlights occasionally appearing in it.

[CHEERING]

To help me get into the spirit of things, the organisers suggested I should become more involved.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[TYRES SCREECH]

Aaaargh!

[GIBBERS]

[TYRES SCREECH]

Look at the rev case, in the red constantly, mate.

[ENGINE REVS]

I don't like the smell of tyre smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Get back in the car, you [BLEEP] idiot!

Help!

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Thank you.

[TYRES SCREECH]

[ENGINE REVS]

[TYRE BLOWS]

Has it broken?

Yes.

Finally.

I got 20,000 miles out of the last set of rear tyres on my car.

[TYRES SCREECH]

[CHEERING]

Just go out there and do it.

Fancy trying to do that in England.

Or anywhere. Or Australia.

Anyway, mm-mm-mm.

James May, was there any part of that that you enjoyed?

Nope.

Good.

But now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash.

[LAUGHTER]

Now after what happened last week, our guest this week declined our offer to arrive at the studio on a hovercraft, saying she would prefer to walk.

It's understandable.

Yes, it is.

I'm sure that despite this, you will still give her an enormous welcome.

Although she's now a major Hollywood star, she was actually born here in South Africa.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Charlize Theron!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

We must ask her about A Million Ways To Die In The West.

I love that film.

But what I really love is the way she looks in it.

The hat and the floaty skirt. She's on a bicycle as well.

[AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS]

Jeremy: Oh, no.

Richard: Oh, God.

Oh, not...

Ladies and gentlemen, Charlize Theron has been att*cked by a lion.

Oh, no.

Literally nothing we can do.

Does that mean she's not coming on, then?

[LAUGHTER]

She's been eaten by a lion.

Well, look, are there any other well-known South Africans in the audience?

It's not very likely, James.

There's only two globally famous South Africans.

One's now in a lion and the other's in prison.

[LAUGHTER]

Let's get back to what we were doing.

Earlier on, we were at a Jordanian special forces training base learning to be super army soldiers.

And we pick up the action as we rush towards the h*jacked airliner to rescue a VIP and take them to safety.

Let me talk you through the plan.

James and Richard will use the catering lorry as an as*ault vehicle.

And then, after we've rescued the VIP, we'll use the Audi as a getaway car.

Now what we're doing here, very cleverly, is we're going round the back of the plane because planes don't have rear windows or door mirrors, so they won't see us sneaking up.

Stealthy, you see.

Hammond, we're manoeuvring in.

Richard: OK.

James: Dab the brakes.

Richard: Right, we are in position.

James is gonna lift me on this platform to the door, then we go in.

Right, are you ready?

I'm ready to lower the jacks.

Absolute stealth.

[CACOPHONY OF ALARMS]

[METAL CREAKS]

[ALARMS CONTINUE]

I think the t*rrorists are going to notice this as*ault.

[ALARMS CONTINUE]

[MUFFLED ALARMS]

[g*nsh*t]

[CACOPHONY OF ALARMS]

[METAL CREAKS]

I think the t*rrorists are going to notice this as*ault.

Which is why I shall now cause a diversion.

[TYRES SCREECH]

I'm gonna make a smoking doughnut in front of the plane to distract the t*rrorists.

[TYRES SQUEAL]

Jeremy: Oh, no, this is a disaster.

Even when you turn the traction control off, it isn't fully off, so you just get miles and miles of dreary understeer.

Bad mark for Audi here.

Come on!

The only good thing is the t*rrorists will be looking out of the cockpit windows thinking, "Why is that Audi understeering around like that?"

Right! Go low!

[g*nf*re]

Here I come!

Cry havoc and let slip the dog of understeer!

[g*nf*re]

[DISTANT g*nf*re]

Chaps, I have located the VIP and it is the Queen of England.

James: I don't like the Royal Family.

James, now is not the time for your republican views.

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi outside. We will...

[g*nsh*t]

Why did you sh**t Hammond?

He was being annoying.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

That's how you do it!

[CACOPHONY OF ALARMS]

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi outside. We will...

[g*nsh*t]

Did you sh**t May?

Well, he sh*t me!

[g*nf*re]

That's how you do it!

Somehow in our next attempt, Hammond ended up on the wing.

Oh, I see. You wanna do this the old-fashioned way.

OK, let's dance.

[BLADE SWISHES]

Aagh!

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.

And what do you do?

I just said.

We are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting outside to get you to safety.

You'll like it, it's German.

Like you are.

Thank you, James. Are all the t*rrorists dead back there?

Everybody's dead back there.

Good man.

Your Majesty, if you'd like to follow us.

[g*nsh*t]

What was that?

He's just sh*t the Queen in the back of the head.

Well, now what we gonna do?

Oh...

[g*nsh*t]

Go. I'll have that, thank you very much.

Having finally got the Queen into the car, we were now faced with a perilous drive to the embassy.

However, this did at least mean I could get back to my day job.

[g*nf*re]

I'll talk you through the car. This is the S8 Plus.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

Plus means it has 80 more horsepower than the standard car.

That means 0-60 in 3.8 seconds, top speed: 190.

How very interesting.

The immense power is harnessed not only by all-wheel drive, but also by ceramic brakes.

[EXPLOSIONS]

And an electronic differential.

There's a time and a place for talking about that stuff, mate!

Sitting behind a six-foot-five-inch driver means that rear leg room is rather at a premium.

Having said that, however, for a high-performance saloon, the ride quality is really rather good.

Will you two stop reviewing the car?

[EXPLOSIONS AND g*nf*re]

Do you have an opinion, the Queen?

Not now!

Hold it steady, I'm gonna sh**t them.

[g*nf*re]

sh**t him in the face!

Have you come far?

[g*nf*re]

[TYRES SQUEAL]

[CRASH]

[RAPID g*nf*re]

The Living Daylights. Transporter 2 and 3.

Taken. Ronin.

Why are you listing films?

Because all those films had a big Audi saloon in them going quickly.

It is the car of choice for the Hollywood hero.

Shut up.

[TYRES SQUEAL]

[g*nf*re]

What's the top speed of that thing, James?

About 90 miles an hour.

Well, here is a top tip for Hollywood heroes.

[EXPLOSIONS]

If you're being chased by a car which is slower than the car you're in, simply drive faster than it.

See, that's what Nick Cage ought to have thought about, really, in The Rock.

And that man in Ronin, with the S8 chasing the Citroen.

Stop talking about films!

There's a bogey waxing our tail.

Oh, God!

Gonna sh**t its petrol t*nk.

James, there's no point sh**ting it. Petrol only blows up in films.

[RAPID g*nf*re]

Well, that's not strictly accurate.

Where the bloody hell is the embassy?

Go down here.

[TYRES SCREECH]

No, this is rubbish.

There it is.

There it is!

Right, you get the Queen to safety. I'll cover you.

OK, I'm on it.

Right, good. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Your Majesty.

Really quickly, Your Majesty.

[g*nf*re]

We can't see.

Come on, Jeremy, come on!

I'm doing my best!

[g*nsh*t]

[RICHARD LAUGHS] In the plums!

Oh, no!

Just keep moving!

[g*nsh*t]

They've done it again!

James, you're missing this!

You cannot modernise the royalty, because royalty is, at the very best, a medieval concept.

[g*nshots]

Oh! sh**ting!

That's gonna sting! He's still coming!

Keep going!

Mind the mines!

[RICHARD LAUGHS]

He's still going!

♪♪ [Barber's "Adagio for Strings"]

[g*nsh*t]

James, he's dead.

No, wait a minute. He's going again! He's moving again!

Jeremy, come on, you can do it!

Come on, keep going! Come on.

This is it.

Hammond...

There's the finish line!

Am I going the right way?

More or less. Roll over it. You can do it.

[GROANS]

Yes! We have done it.

[GROANS]

Have you come far?

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

A fighting force. An unbelievable fighting force.

We actually managed to complete that course in nine hours and 48 minutes.

And that's only nine-and-a-half hours slower than the actual soldiers.

Can I just ask, how many times were you sh*t?

What, on the run in?

On the way to the embassy.

Er... 17 to the torso, two to the... plum set.

[LAUGHTER]

And you lived?

Well, obviously, James, yes, look, I lived.

He did. And on that terrible disappointment, it is time to end.

Yes, it is. Thank you so much for watching.

See you somewhere next week. Goodbye!

[CHEERING]