01x03 - Lice-Ism

[bunniefuu]

[energetic brass music]

♪ ♪

I was going for a younger, sexier, Vincent Price.

Okay, shut it.

As much as I'd love to talk about our wonderful show tonight...

[sighs] Whoopi Goldberg, Denis Leary, the amazing ventriloquist, Jonathan Geffner, I actually have something very serious and pressing and somewhat urgent to discuss.

You finally got laid?

[laughter]

[laughs mockingly]

There's been an outbreak.

How serious of an outbreak?

'Cause if it gets bad, I do have cyanide pills in my desk drawer. They are chewable, Very hard to find on the deep web.

Absolutely it sounds extreme, but it is the cleanest and easiest way to die.

Okay.

Everybody can k*ll themselves during hiatus.

The reason I look a little glum is because we have a lice outbreak.

[all groaning]

All right, all right!

It's not Ebola!

[exhales] But you all need to be treated.

Well, you might want to start off with Marcus because his children had lice all week.

You bitch!

Dude!

What?

That was a secret.

Marcus, patient zero!

How dare you!

Don't worry, the Lice Fairy is here.

Excuse me? What did you call me?

The Jamaican ladies to treat all of our scalps!

Oh, gotcha.

Um, I've had two very bad experiences with Jamaican ladies touching me.

This place is disgusting.

I'd always knew I'd end up getting something working here.

Which is why we all need to be treated.

All right, I have a time schedule of when everyone is going to visit the Lice Fairy, so please see me after.

Yeah, I think I see one.

What? Get it.

k*ll him. k*ll him!

Get it!

[whimpers]

[grunting, screaming]

I got it.

From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, we're "Makin' Whoopee" with Whoopi Goldberg.

Lovable Masshole Denis Leary.

Renowned Jewish ventriloquist Jonathan Geffner.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings, but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy!

We are in this small, cramped room [whispers] Because we have lice and nobody can find out about it.

We need to be quiet.

Like Anne Frank quiet.

Yeah, yeah, you got it bad.

I knew it.

You know, if she has it, I probably have it 'cause I fell asleep in her lap last night watching "Cupcake Wars."

[all aww]

Boy, that is sweet.

And how long you all been together for?

2 years, 1 month, 13 days.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, but... we're not.. we're not a couple.

We don't...

Oh.

Hey, you know, when I was a kid, um, every time I had lice, my dad would soak my head in kerosene.

I think it may have k*lled more than just the lice.

In your medical opinion, uh, that treatment, does it also... treat down here?

My pubes?

[lively music]

Oh, my God. It's even worse than I thought.

I actually think I look kind of hot.

I've never felt so tough.

You all look hideous.

This is all your fault.

Allegedly.

You guys don't get it.

We are the fifth-rated late night talk show.

People find out we have lice, that's it.

We're done. We're cancelled.

You're screwed.

It kind of looks like we just got back from the Caribbean.

That's it. That's what we're gonna say.

We just got back from the Caribbean.

Don't tell Whoopi we have lice.

I can't wait to get my cornrows.

I have the perfect facial structure for it.

Sorry, Randy.

And Penny.

And Staci.

I'm good.

Ehh...

I'm cute.

[high-pitch] Ehh...

Pretty.

[higher-pitched] Ehh...

♪ ♪

No, you can't.

Because you can't cancel the day of.

Because people don't...

Hey, Staci.

I don't care! He has to be on the sh...

Staci!

Maggie, hold on a second. What, Todd?

Oh, uh, do you know where Jimmy's peanut butter is?

No, I don't know where Jimmy's peanut butter is.

Well, okay, well, he told me to ask you 'cause you know where everything is.

Maggie, listen to me. I understand that he's sick, but you cannot cancel...

Maggie!

[shouts] Maggie!

Oh!

Is Denis Leary sick?

Well, his manager says he is.

No! God! Jimmy loves Denis!

We got to get Denis Leary on the show!

I know!

All right, well, Jimmy didn't prepare anything, 'cause, you know he can always wing it with Denis, so...

That's implying he usually does prepare for his interviews?

No, he doesn't. [laughs]

So you don't know where the peanut butter is?

Oh! Check his bottom drawer!

Bottom drawer. God, yes!

Oh, my God, I can feel them hatching.

Oh, God, the Lice Fairy is still here.

Ugh!

Hey, um, you... you know where the ventriloquist put the puppet thing?

Oh, you mean Ezra?

He's not technically a puppet, he's a dummy and he's in dressing room number 3.

Did you want to meet him?

No!

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

He doesn't have access to the whole building, right?

Oh, well, he is a guest, but he's not a person, but he lives in a suitcase.

The suitcase has locks on it, right?

So he... he can't get out.

I don't think so.

Why?

[scoffs] No reason.

It's just, you know, I don't want... to surprise him. I don't want him... to surprise me.

You know, it's just one of th...

Just one of those things. You know what I mean?

♪ ♪

Oh, Whoopi. Big fan.

Thanks.

I think.

Oh, Whoopi Goldberg, we are so excited to have you on the show.

Okay, so is this some sort of... diversity thing?

To make me feel more comfortable being black and everything?

No, no, no, no, no. Hashtag BlackLivesMatter.

Um, no, we were on a company cruise.

You know that doesn't make this any less r*cist?

Right?

Can I offer you guys some freshly-sliced watermelon?

Don't mind if I do.

Fresh watermelon, Ms. Whoopi?

Sure. 'Cause who doesn't like watermelon?

Mm-hmm.

You know, I gotta tell you, this is really making me a little uncomfortable.

I just feel like maybe "Nightcap" is not the place I should be.

No, no, no, no, no, Whoopi.

Please don't walk out.

I gotta think about this.

Do you think we could take the watermelon to my room?

Yes!

A safer environment.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go.

I've always felt this show was r*cist.

[strained] Grady!

I know.

[exhales sharply]

Well, this is a pickle.

Listen to me, if we lose Whoopi... we've already lost Denis Leary because he's sick, we're gonna have 40 minutes of a ventriloquist.

But the ventriloquist is so good.

Not for 40 minutes.

[phone dings]

What? Did you see your reflection?

Whoa. No, no, no.

So my friend who works on Denis' show said that Denis is at work today and looks fine.

You have a friend?

She's an online friend.

She says that he also baked banana bread for the crew.

assh*le! You know what?

I'm gonna go down to Denis Leary's set and I'm gonna grab his flat, pale, potato eating, Irish ass and I'm gonna bring it back to our show.

And I'm not talking like this 'cause I got cornrows.

♪ ♪

[energetic brass music]

♪ ♪

Jesus. [panting]

Let me guess, you're scared of Ezra.

I've seen it before.

[stammers] Is he drinking coffee?

Oh, it's better for our relationship if I treat him like a person.

Oh.

Nothing to be scared of.

He's a nice guy. Want to touch him?

Nah, I don't want to touch him.

Hey, it's okay. You can touch me.

I don't mind at all.

What?

Hey, where you going?

♪ ♪

[retching]

Staci! Are you okay?

Oh, my God, Penny, what are you doing here?

I thought you might need emotional support.

You just ran out of there so quickly and my natural instinct was to follow you.

Is that wrong?

No.

Well, yes and no.

Look, I know Denis Leary's trailer is around here somewhere. I'm trying to find it.

Oh, I know where he is!

My friend told me he's around the corner.

Go get him, tiger!

Copy that.

You tell them that the situation's changed.

Oh, f*ck. God damn it.

What?

Oh, f*cking Leary.

What?

Oh, my God, look at your hair.

I can't believe you came down here.

Look at your hair. What are you talking about?

This is for a part. What's that for?

I came down here...

I'm acting.

I'm an actor.

You cancelled on me the day of the sh**t!

Okay, well... well... because I'm sick.

So, that's...

Denis, we go way back, man.

You've done the show a million times.

Don't be such a Hollywood guy, be honest with me.

Come on, we're...

Listen, I'm sick, okay?

I'm f*ckin' sick and I... I shouldn't even be on my own set, but I'm doing it because I have to be here to... you know, 'cause it's a budget thing.

So, like I said, if I were you, I'd back off.

What, sweetheart?

I just have your tickets for tonight's hockey game.

Are you kidding me?

The Bruins-Rangers game? Tonight at 7:00?

Can I explain something?

You mother...

Let me explain something to you, this... this is... I'm not sick.

I don't... I don't like to brag about my charity stuff.

So what I'm doing is I'm taking a couple of sick kids to the... I am.

I'm taking sick kids to the... they're not gonna die, but they're very sick and... and they're... you know, their house... they have lupus.

They can't... They can't have ice cream, they can't eat hotdogs, it's like... you know what I mean? It's a big thing.

You can't eat pork if you have lupus?

I don't think you can eat... there's certain things you can't eat. Yeah. I mean, I don't know everything about it, I'm just... Listen, I don't like to brag about it, so I said I was sick, I didn't want to mention sick kids.

All right, so it's at 7:00, okay?

You can still... You can still do our show and make it there by 7:00.

Yes, but... there's a... pre-game skate.

Which is...

You're gonna skate with the lupus kids?

It's a lupus, uh... related skate.

Okay, you know what, Denis?

And that's at 6:00.

You're a grown man.

So why don't we just say, you do the show, you'll be there by 7:00.

You can bring all the sick kids with you to the show. Okay?

I... I'm not sure the sick kids will want to come to the show.

[stammers]

All right, well, you can meet them at the rink.

Please.

All right, I'll do it.

You will?

I'll do it. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Oh, my God, you're the best.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

If you weren't married...

All right, if...

Well, I'm very married, so... Yeah.

All right.

"Nightcap" f*ckin' piece of sh*t that show is.

I got him.

Yay, that's such good news.

And I have some good news too.

I got us a ride back to the studio.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh, Penny!

This is so fun.

Oh!

And I also got us an Edible Arrangement to nibble on.

I feel like I'm in a Nora Ephron movie.

[jazzy music]

All set. You are mic'd.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, and I'm not a r*cist.

Okay.

Hey, Whoopi! [laughs]

It's Todd. We met on, uh...

I'm Jimmy's friend. Yeah, and producer.

That's sort of accurate.

Is she all mic'd up?

Yeah, she's mic'd.

Dude, nice.

Okay, good luck, Whoop.

Touch that tail.

Do not touch my nipples.

I always think he's gonna hit me.

Oh, he never does. Uh, hey, Whoops, would you mind... could you sign my copy of "Jumpin' Jack Flash"?

It's me and Jimmy's favorite. We watch it all the time.

Sure.

Ah, thank you so much.

This a bootleg?

Yeah, I got it from a Chinese guy down on Canal Street.

Nice.

Nice. Yeah, no offense.

I just...

No, no, it's cool.

They don't pay me.

Yeah, right.

Cool.

Ah, cool!

[sighs]

So, Todd...

Yeah?

What's up with your hair?

I think we may have lice.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

You're serious?

Yeah, who knows, you know? [grumbles]

They're all over the place.

So right now, while we're talking, lice could be jumpin'... from you to me?

No! No, no!

I work upstairs with Jimmy.

No, upstairs is totally clean.

Yeah, I'm all good, but down here is probably infested with them, so I'm getting the hell outta here.

[energetic brass music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, look at you guys.

What?

Listen, you go deal with the ventriloquist, I'll deal with Whoopi.

I'm on it.

Should we high-five?

No.

Okay.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Todd.

Hey.

I just met Ezra. He's wonderful.

Have you met him?

Yeah, he drinks coffee!

Can I tell you a secret?

Yes!

You tell me one, then I'll tell you one.

Nah, that's okay, I just want to tell you mine.

Oh.

I'm afraid of puppets.

Why?

You ever see that movie "Magic" with Anthony Hopkins?

It's one of Jimmy's favorite movies.

He brings me over all the time to watch it.

Does he know you're afraid?

Yes!

Do you cry?

Yes!

Wait, Jimmy thinks it's funny when you cry?

Yeah, I make him laugh, you know?

I am to him what he is to America.

You know, Todd, I used to have a debilitating fear of goats all throughout my childhood.

It was bad.

So I finally tried immersion therapy.

My mom locked me in a pen with goats overnight.

You know, just me and the goats?

It worked.

I woke up the next day and I wasn't afraid of goats, and I finally saw them for what they are.

Goats?

Yeah.

Not evil, horned monster creatures.

Just goats.

[giggles]

Hey, have you seen Jimmy's peanut butter?

Um... no, I haven't.

[clicks tongue]

♪ ♪

That's fine. I'll call Kerry Washington I don't give a sh*t. What are you doing here?

Hmm, well, I was meditating, but I also figured that you'd like an update on Whoopi.

What is she doing? Is she still here?

Oh, well, she's asking questions, but I did my best to keep her here and, uh...

All right, guys, listen to me, this is... this is probably the biggest thing I've had to face thus far in my career.

Do we want to be known as a r*cist show or a show that's gonna be know for having a lice infestation?

Okay, but we deal with celebrities and celebrities are whores... we all know that, and we all know, very well, that when it comes to self-promotion, people can look beyond racism in a heartbeat.

Okay, on the count of three, you say which you think is worse.

Racism or lice infestation.

Are you ready?

One, two, three.

Lice.

Strep throat.

Strep throat?

Um, I think I'm getting it.

It's also contagious.

That's a tough call.

Uh, excuse me, white devils.

What is this I hear about the "Nightcap" staff being r*cist now?

Jesus, word travels fast.

I'm a publicist.

I'm the one that word travels to; and, yes, it travels fast because I'm good.

I'm also black. Did you know I was black, Staci?

I knew you were a publicist.

Don't get cute with me now.

Is that what these ridiculous cornrows are about?

No, no, no.

We went on a vacation in the Caribbean and we...

When did you go on a vacation to the Caribbean?

You look whiter than ever.

Do you ever want another black person on this show?

Lupita Nyong'o, Jamie Foxx, Al Roker.

I don't want Al Roker.

Nobody wants Al Roker.

Malik, why are you here?

You don't even have a client on the show.

I heard that Whoopi was on the show tonight and she needs a new publicist.

So you need to take me over there.

I will take you over to Whoopi right now, but you have to promise that you won't tell anybody this is a r*cist show... or that we have lice.

You have lice?

No.

Deal.

Deal.

♪ ♪

Sup, bro?

I'm Todd.

Ezra, right?

Just gonna chill real quick.

Is that cool?

You like coffee, right?

Yeah, I can get you some coffee there.

[chuckles]

I'll have some too.

There we go.

Coffee actually does make it feel more normal here.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, look at these g*ns.

Ho-ho-ho! Look at the g*ns.

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, I sp... Oh.

Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.

I'll get that off for you.

I'll get you off.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, man.

Wait, wait, hold it.

I told you you could touch him, but not like that.

This dummy is only 12 years old.

What? Oh, what?

No, no, no. I wasn't touching his d*ck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get out of here.

People like you disgust me.

What?

People like... I was trying to be social.

Your dummy's antisocial.

"Social."

Nice euphemism.

I'm a good man.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Yeah?

Whoopi? Ms. Goldberg?

Hi. Hi.

I just wanted to come in and brief you on your interview, but before I do that, I want to introduce you...

Is this to prove to me you know black people and have black friends?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're not friends.

I'm Malik Walker, publicist.

We met at the Met Ball.

Six years ago.

Okay, I only want to talk to you.

Me?

You.

Okay, well, I'm just going to leave my card right here.

We'll be in touch.

[clears throat]

[sighs] Look...

I don't know how to even begin this conversation.

When I came in, everybody had those, you know, cornrows in their hair and I was feeling really uncomfortable and, you know, looking around and thinking, "What, are you making fun of me?"

'Cause you couldn't get it together with the dreads so you got cornrows?

You got me the watermelon.

It's a whole thing.

But then this guy comes in and tells me that you have a lice infestation.

A lice infestation.

What the hell?

That is the most disgust... it's the nastiest.

It's like...

It's like coochie juice on the chair.

Tell me honestly. I just...I just... want somebody to talk to me honestly.

Are you r*cist, or do you have a lice infestation here?

I can't say it any clearer.

Oh, okay.

We...

We're... we're...

Rrr...

r*cist.

[gasps]

Yes!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you were so honest with me.

You know, I work in television, and no one ever tells you the truth.

You know, you get these big networks and they know what they are, and they pretend they're not, but you know.

I just love that you're honest.

As matter of fact, it's blowing my mind.

And I think I would like to make "Nightcap" someplace I come, you know, whenever I have something I need to do.

I got to tell you something.

I like being r*cist.

♪ ♪

Penny.

[gasps] Staci.

I have been looking everywhere for you.

Listen, the lice story didn't break.

Whoopi thinks we're r*cist, which is so cool, so it's going to be a great show.

Um, no, it's not.

I just got off the phone with Dennis Leary's manager, and he's not coming tonight.

What?

He says you gave him lice.

Well, that is on us.

All right, tell the ventriloquist and that dummy they have two segments on the show tonight.

Ezra's going to be so excited.

He's gonna get a woody.

What?

A puppet erection.