01x08 - IBS-ISIS

[bunniefuu]

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Are you okay?

I sh*t in my pants.

Uh-oh.

We have a big show tonight.

We have, uh, George Stephanopoulos.

He's gonna be talking about the election.

We have Mario Batali.

Ooh.

No wonder she's wearing makeup.

Okay.

Why is she wearing makeup?

I don't understand what's happening.

Well, she used to have a thing for Mario Batali and probably still does.

Okay, we both enjoy cured meats, okay?

Uh-huh.

Let's move on.

Grady's a red-headed chef.

You guys ever, uh, think about, you know?

I've seen her looking. I'm not interested.

The feeling is mutual, Grady.

Great.

Also, we have a female comedian.

Yes, Aparna Nancherla is on tonight.

She's gonna do a set.

Oh, yeah.

Guys, FYI, I'm expanding my producing duties, and I'm gonna be doing the Aparna Nancherla segment tonight, so...

Says who?

Uh, me, uh, Jimmy.

I ran the idea by him last night at the Knicks game.

He's down.

Uh, what's the idea, Todd?

Oh, my buddy Nate, uh, he's dating Aparna, and he wants to propose to her live on TV, and Jimmy's like, "Whoa, that sweeps gold, baby.

That sweeps gold!"

I was like, "What is that?"

What is that, seriously? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You got to take a dump.

I'm gonna go make a call to Burbank, and you're not doing that segment.

W... Jimmy wants me to, so...

No, Todd. No, Todd.

When did "go call Burbank" become slang for making a poop?

[Male announcer]: From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, the sexiest man in Crocs, Mario Batali, the news anchor whose name you can't spell, George Stephanopoulos.

Say her name ten times backwards: comedian Aparna Nancherla.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts.

Here's Jimmy.

[energetic brass music]

Hey, Randy, can I talk to you for a second?

Look, I'm sorry I took all the aspirin from the first aid kit, but I'm very hungover right now.

I think I'm being recruited by !sis.

Oh, not here. Come in the sound room.

Look, how do you know it's !sis and not Al-Qaeda or the Taliban or Boko Haram?

How would I know the difference?

Did you receive any weird text messages with numbers and emojis?

No.

Somebody from the Almi Kabeeb Network called and asked me to interview for a job.

[sighs] You're right. It's !sis.

Al-Qaeda recruits with emojis.

Has anybody seen my bottle of mace?

Hey, Phil, this is a private conversation.

Got it.

What are we talking about?

I'm being recruited by !sis.

Oh, my God, that's terrifying.

Look, this sound fishy.

You don't seem like the type of person that anybody would want to hire.

Right?

Right?

Okay.

But they do prey on the weak.

They say they want me to help out with their social media efforts.

I follow a lot of t*rror1st groups on social media, and they're actually pretty funny, but they're not as good as the Fat Jew.

[laughs] He's hilarious.

Look, I just don't want you to end up on the back of a pickup truck in a training camp in Yemen.

I have a 4:00 p.m. Skype interview.

If they let you know about any att*cks coming up, let me know.

I'm gonna call in sick from work that day.

[lively brass music]

♪ ♪

[toilet flushing]

Hi.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Mario Batali is in his dressing room.

Do I look sweaty?

No.

It's gonna be a long day.

♪ ♪

Oh, Mario.

Angel, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

It's so nice to see you.

It's so nice to be here.

Thanks for having me.

Oh, it's been too long.

It has been.

Oh, you look fresh as a daisy.

So I made some great stuff. It's a spring stew.

Would you like to try a little bit?

Oh, I'm so good.

Oh, it is so good.

Just a little taste.

Okay, all right.

All right. It's goat's head, completely in season right now, so delicious, filled with collagen, healthy.

It's so good. I'm gonna get some note cards.

Okay.

Hey, Penny, it's me. Listen, I'm in the bathroom.

I'm gonna be about 10, 20 minutes, so can you get me a walkie?

I got a walkie you can use.

Uh, it's me, Randy.

What are you doing in the ladies' room?

Come on, Staci, it's 2016.

We're a little beyond gender designations in the bathrooms.

Hey, Nate dog!

Hi.

Oh, what's up... [indistinct] What's up?

Oh, you're hurting my neck a little.

[laughs]

Ow!

Yeah, man!

Okay.

I haven't seen you in so long.

My hand's stuck.

Do you guys... Do you guys know each other?

Uh, I was... I've seen him around.

Oh.

How you doing? I'm Todd.

Aparn... Aparna. Uh, have we met before?

Uh, I don't... oh, yeah, were you at...

Were you at Jimmy's, uh, the Hampton House, with the whole Bill Cosby legal fund clam bake thing?

Oh, yes. Yes, I was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were you there?

Well, I was...

I was doing the bake.

I was the bake.

Oh, you were baking the clams?

Yeah, I was baking.

Outside.

Yeah, I got b*rned.

You boil or steam?

I steam it.

And it went all over my genitals.

Oh, God.

This love... love is in the air right now.

Sure.

So you want to go over your...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you have notes, that would be great.

Uh-huh, I'm producing it, so...

Yeah, cool.

I read over your... your set. It's very funny.

Oh, oh, thank you.

She's so funny.

She's the funniest, uh, she's funny, she's beautiful, um, soft hair.

I love soft hair.

Uh, when she holds hands, she does just the right amount of grip.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Good grip's important.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It really is.

It's like, "now, this is love."

The perfect woman.

Would you guys f*ck a lion?

f*ck a lion?

Yeah.

Would you f*ck a lion?

What made you think of that?

Soft hair.

I would not f*ck a lion.

Yeah.

Okay, I would.

I mean, because I'm in a wonderful relationship.

Okay, so Jimmy's gonna introduce you.

Yeah, I gave him my intro, yep.

Right, Jimmy's gonna introduce you, then you come out and then... you do your set.

Okay, yeah.

That's what I was gonna do.

Boom.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Yeah.

That's it. So, Nate, you want to, uh...

You want to grab a snack in the green room?

Yeah, I'd love to grab a snack.

Oh, wait, we have sna...

We have so many snacks.

No, no, no, we're gonna get...

No, there's better snacks in the green room.

Okay. I like snacks.

No! No, sit down!

Sorry.

I am so sorry.

I...

Yo, let's... Nate dog, let's rock that shiz.

Let's get those... those snacks.

You're gonna do great.

All right.

I think we're all good.

I mean, she's the one, right?

Yeah.

We've been together for two weeks. I know.

Yeah, you got to lock that sh*t down, man.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is this like the best way to do it, though?

On TV, in front of people?

There's nothing else we can do. We have to do it now.

We have to.

Have to.

Yeah, I told Jimmy already, so you have to do it.

You told Jimmy so we have to?

Yeah, that's how it works here.

Okay.

Hey, cheers.

To a good engagement.

You know what I mean? It will be great.

Let's do a bro thing, you know what I mean, bro it around?

This is a bro thing?

Yeah.

I got such a big arm.

Staci?

Uh, I'm here.

Um, hi.

A lot of people are looking for you.

Yes, I'm having an IBS day, Penny...

A very intense IBS day.

Got it. I'll get the Imodium.

No, uh, can you also get my laptop, my Hello Kitty booking notebook, my charcoal pills, and my Zen garden?

Can I get your advice on something?

Now?

I'm being recruited by !sis, and I just don't know how to proceed.

Oh, sure, sure.

Okay, so I've been FaceTiming with this Belgian student who's also being recruited by !sis and in the same way.

Okay, first of all, you're very susceptible to these creepy groups, okay?

Remember that cult you joined, and you didn't even know you had joined a cult?

Oh, I sometimes miss my Messianic maiden family.

Okay.

What should I do?

Penny, I don't know what you need to do, okay?

Go with !sis, don't go with !sis.

I'm fighting IBS, okay.

Just let me sh*t in peace.

Staci, are you in here?

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

[moans]

She's in this stall right here.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this private?

Yes!

Oh.

I'll give you guys some privacy.

Uh, Staci, I really hope it wasn't my goat head stew that made you sick.

No, no, no, no, no, it was...

Mario, it was great. It's one of my favorites.

Do you have C. Diff?

No.

Crohn's Disease?

No, no, no, no.

IBS?

Staci, do you have IBS?

Uh, I don't think... no.

It's a disease where your stomach gets all crazy and the bowels just go wild.

Let me take a look and see if I can find it on the web.

Oh, the Internet's not very fast here.

Let me see if I can get the page to load.

Hey, where's Nate at?

He's a piece of sh*t!

What? Oh, my...

You want to know why?

My friend Jenny sent me this text that her friend Steve saw him at a bachelor party last weekend and he had sex with a stripper.

Him?

Who does that?

He's so...

Yeah, I know.

He's small and wiry and he kind of looks... yeah.

That's what I was gonna say.

Like a Pixar mouse. Yeah, I know.

He had sex with a stripper.

sh*t. Um...

He was gonna propose to you tonight.

What?

Yeah, live on the show.

No.

Yep, yeah.

Why would you say that's okay?

I don't... well, I'm producing it so...

f*ck him, no.

Oh, God. Okay.

Can we still do the segment?

No.

And then... okay...Um...

Propose?

Yeah, he was gonna get down in front of Jimmy live on television.

No, you know what?

Fine, yeah, have him propose on national television, live, yeah, yeah, and I'll dump him.

I'll dump him on national television, live.

Is that gonna be...

For the people.

Good?

It'll go viral.

Viral?

Do you work out at Crunch?

'Cause I could swear I've seen you in the steam room.

You work out?

I use the Shake Weight.

If I can just say, George, I don't think you ever need makeup.

Oh, that's nice, thank you.

All right, back off, poor man's Shelley Duvall.

Hey.

Thank you.

Okay, so now that we've broken the ice, um, George, I need your advice on something.

Guy trouble?

I think I'm being recruited by !sis.

Oh, that makes sense.

Recruited by !sis?

Okay, so a Middle Eastern network wants to have a Skype interview with me about a producing job, and it doesn't seem legit at all.

And you know, like, on the one hand, yes, it's great for a practice interview, but on the other hand, I don't want our government to think that I'm a t*rror1st and start monitoring me.

I'm a good person.

I... I really don't think you have to worry about this.

I mean, you really don't fit the !sis profile.

You're not a guy.

You don't seem all that angry or isolated.

More like depressed.

Maybe if I worked at !sis, I could meet some guys...

With !sis.

I'm sorry?

You don't work at !sis, you work with !sis.

Right, George? Yeah, you actually are right.

I mean, it does sometimes act like a multinational corporation, but it's really more like a movement, a religion, an apocalyptic cult.

Maybe I could dismantle it from the inside.

Wow, that seems like a lot of work.

What do they pay?

$40 an hour plus benefits.

Do they need a makeup designer?

What's the name of it?

Almi Kabeed.

I'm not sure where the accent falls.

Almi Kabeed.

Almi Kabeed.

[energetic brass music]

Hey, bro.

Hey.

What's up, man?

How's it going?

Go... [sighs]

W-what's she doing?

Oh, she's jamming out to some Bonnie Raitt.

She always does this to get pumped up for a set.

Oh, cool.

Hey, are we still good for that thing we talked about?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude.

Awesome. I'm nervous. I'm really nervous.

Oh, don't be nervous, man.

Do exactly what you were gonna do.

Okay. All right. I'll do it.

Hey, can you get out of here?

Why?

Uh, I got to... I got to talk to Aparna about a bunch of, like, secret producer stuff.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

I'll get a soda or something.

Yeah, get a soda, bro.

Cool. All right.

All right.

All right, nice.

Oh, man.

He needs more ass on him.

Hey, Aparna.

Hey!

Uh...

Wake up.

Oh, God.

I was told never to touch the guests.

Uh, um...

Oh, hey.

Todd.

Hey, did Jimmy like my idea?

Well, it's my idea, 'cause I'm the producer but yeah, Jimmy's in.

Okay, whatever.

Just bring Nate out there and I will do it.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

10-4.

You didn't hear what I said.

Um...

What?

10-4.

[lively trumpet music]

Hi, I'm Penny Jones.

I'm so sorry. I was told to dial this number for an interview with the Almi Kabeeb network.

Is this the right number?

Yes, it is. Nice to meet you, Penny.

You don't look anything like I imagined.

You're... like, you're blonde.

Um, what were you expecting?

Um, I don't know.

I think I was expecting you to look more like Osa...

Where are you in the world?

I'm in Cincinnati.

Oh. Very covert of you.

You've already infiltrated?

I wouldn't say infiltrated.

Our parent company has been based here since 2004.

Does our government know you're here?

I'm not exactly clear on what it is that you are asking me.

I'm so sorry. I'm extremely nervous.

I-I've never been, like, recruited before.

Well, Penny, look, your Linkedln profile is very impressive.

How have you enjoyed working at "Nightcap"?

How do you know I work at "Nightcap"?

It says that on your Linkedln.

I'm sorry.

Before we go any further, let me ask you this.

It's been weighing on my mind.

I mean, I can't sleep at night.

My Urticaria is acting up.

I've got hives just exploding in my undercarriage.

If there is a jihad, do I have to take up arms and fight against my fellow Americans?

Excuse me?

Look, I just thought that this would be an interesting opportunity.

This was always just going to be a practice interview, and I have a feeling you are going to offer me the job, and you know what?

I'm gonna say no, because I like this country and I don't fully agree with the views of your organization.

Okay.

We're just going to keep your resume on file and if a position opens up, we'll be sure to let you know.

You erase me from your files and you leave me alone.

Well played, Penny.

I don't think you'll be contacted again.

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

[toilet flushes]

Hi, Staci, it's me.

Oh, hi, Penny.

Listen, do not come in here.

Okay, it smells really bad.

Okay, so I've got George Stephanopoulos right outside.

He has a question. Can I bring him in?

No, what?

Okay, so George is refusing to lip sync to "Sweet Home Alabama."

He says it's just a rip off of Fallon.

Okay, well, he's right about that.

Okay.

Man entering, man entering.

I am entering, and I am theoretically a man.

Phil, this is the ladies' room.

I know.

I got a call about a disturbance.

Someone said they could smell a dead animal.

Ugh, how are you even breathing in this room?

[gags]

Hey, checking on my girl.

Are you empty yet?

Hi, Mario. I'm all good.

Are you okay with your segment?

Oh, great. Penny's been fantastic.

Oh, thank you, Mario.

Shh.

What?

I think I hear scratching.

Mario, you know a lot about dead animals.

What would you say this scent is?

I don't think it's anything of a dead animal.

I think it's Staci and her IBS.

Oh, right. [laughs]

I can't believe I forgot you have IBS.

Everybody always talks about it.

Well, don't you worry, Staci.

I'm gonna get on the intercom and announce to the entire office that this is nothing to worry about, that this smell is just you in here on the shitter.

Actually, we don't have an intercom.

You know what I'll do is I'll just go around to every desk and tell everyone face-to-face.

Okay, get out, get out, get out, save yourselves.

Ahh!

Everyone, come on.

Didn't you two used to be an item?

Yeah, I dodged that b*llet.

Whew.

[audience laughing]

Oh, great job, guys. [laughs]

That was awesome.

What the hell, man?

What?

Did you know that was gonna happen?

What, the whole dump thing?

Yeah, the whole dump thing where I got dumped on national TV.

Yeah, totally, yeah, but you did a great job, man.

Good acting.

I wasn't acting.

That actually was happening to me.

Wow. Well, you banged a stripper, bro, so...

First of all, it doesn't count as cheating if you pay for it.

It's a business transaction.

Oh, yeah, 'cause there's money involved?

Yes.

Well, someone found out.

She wasn't happy about that, because you put your wingwong in someone else's toast.

Wait, wingwong in toast?

You know what? I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go apologize to Aparna.

Oh, that's probably not a good idea, 'cause you know, newly single, she's right in Jimmy's limo, and they're going to dinner town.

Dinner town?

She's going right to dinner town eating food.

Wait, they're gonna have sex?

Well, no... yeah, well, you know, dinner town.

[moans] Mm.

Wait, are they gonna eat or are they gonna have sex?

[moans] Mm.

Are they...

I can't... you're saying two things.

Dinner town, bro.

Dinner town.

They're going to dinner town.

Okay, explain to me what you...

Say what you just said without using the word "dinner town."

Sure. They're gonna go, "Oh," and then "Uh."

Okay, no sounds, no dinner town, no sounds, just words.

No, I need words, not silence.

Just give me words.

I need words. That's how I communicate.

All right, they're gonna... eh!

I don't even know what's happening right now.

Well, thank you once again for reaching out, and like I said earlier, we would literally do anything to have you be the face of our network.

Listen, I'm really flattered by your interest, but I got to tell you, I'm under contract.

You'd have to buy me out.

To be clear, George, we have oil money.

I'm listening.

♪ ♪