01x10 - Guest in a Snake

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

I timed it perfectly.

We arrived at the exact same time.

Good morning, Penny.

Good morning.

I think it's gonna be a good day.

You look radiant.

Oh.

Oh, my God, Wendy Williams is gonna love your shoes.

What time is the interview?

I don't know.

I have to look it up when we get upstairs.

Okay.

I'm just kidding. It's at 2:00.

Ah, my stomach's been in knots.

I have been pooping all night.

[chuckles]

So, um, I know that you didn't want anyone to know that it's your birthday.

Oh, Penny, please, I don't want some big office party with awkward cake cutting, and I can't stand the faces of everybody who can't afford to buy me an expensive gift.

Well...

I made this for you.

Ohh.

Make a wish.

All right.

Should I close my eyes?

Close your eyes.

Okay.

[inhales sharply]

[both gasp]

[scarfing and snorting]

Was that your wish?

[male announcer]: From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, fresh from arresting a sexual predator, Mariska Hargitay.

Legendary director Joel Schumacher.

Todd the Tool takes on Rosie Perez.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy.

Who's everybody voting for in the school board election?

I like to be active in my borough.

"Bore-ow"?

"Burrow."

"Barrow."

"Burrough."

"Bur-rog."

Oh, hi, everyone.

Got to stop you right there.

Those shoes, not even close to pulling them off.

Okay, Marcus, you're not the only person that gets to dabble in fashion.

And genders.

Watch it, ginger.

Okay, anyway, uh, big show, big show: Mariska Hargitay from "SVU," we have the director Joel Schumacher, "St. Elmo's Fire," Guy the Snake Guy with a 40-foot anaconda, and last, somehow Todd got Rosie Perez to do a "Todd the Tool" sketch.

So whoo!

I can't wait to see what tool I get to play.

I'm really hoping for a hammer.

Pretty great that we landed Mariska, huh?

Big "SVU" fan, are we?

Yeah. I mean, who isn't?

It's on all day. She's great.

And the show's great. It's a win-win.

Do you think she's pretty?

Yeah, she's pretty.

Really pretty?

Yes, she's really pretty.

Would you consider yourself a stalker?

What?

Well, it has recently come to my attention that I am supposed to be protecting the guests of this show from stalkers.

Now, I want you to be honest with me.

Do you plan on physically attacking her?

No, Phil, I'm not planning on attacking Mariska.

I've got my eye on you.

FYI, uh, Jimmy talked to Mariska, and they worked out a special surprise for tonight's show.

Well, what is it?

Well, I don't know.

Jimmy didn't tell me.

Great. You know what?

Fantastic.

I have so much to do today, I'm happy to have Jimmy take this off my plate.

You guys, it's a really special day today.

Penny!

Sorry.

It's just normal special, nothing big special.

It's just so great to get to work with you every day, to share an office with you every day, to hang out with you all day, and learn every day.

Do you think she's pretty?

Really pretty?

Obviously.

It's recently come to my attention that I am supposed to handle stalkers.

Now I'm gonna ask you, honestly, are you planning on physically attacking her?

♪ ♪

Hey, gang.

What are we talking about?

What's up, Todd?

You're looking at a director.

We're looking at a tool.

No, no, director.

Jimmy's allowing me to direct the "Todd the Tool" sketch today.

Oh, my God, Todd, that's huge.

Congrats.

Thank you.

Why are you telling us?

'Cause we're friends.

Are we?

Yeah.

Besides Jimmy, you guys are like my best friends.

Aw.

We like you too, Todd.

Thank you.

I love the wood detailing on your costume.

It's not real wood.

It's too soft.

♪ ♪

Oh, Mariska.

Staci. Hi.

Hi, Staci.

It's so great to have you on the show.

I just got a call from Jimmy.

Yeah.

Can I actually confirm that you're okay being eaten by a snake on the show?

Oh.

Can I confirm this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He called me last night.

He told me all about it. I'm totally game.

You weren't, uh, drinking?

No, don't drink.

Okay, great.

But, um, I'm... I'm game.

I'm fun. I'm fearless.

This day, of all days, I can't have a celebrity die.

Look, I'm sure that you have a million safety protocols in place.

We actually don't.

This is the first time we've done this kind of shtick.

But if you're game...

Oh. [laughing]

You're funny.

I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

♪ ♪

[dance music playing]

Hey, Todd, what's with the music?

Uh, Tarantino directs with music on, so... pbbt, boom.

Oh, great. Thank you.

sh1t gonna get cray.

Hey, Rosie, how you doing?

Hi.

I'm Todd.

How you doing?

Oh, nice to meet you.

And what do you do?

Oh, I'm the director.

Oh, I thought you were the tool.

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

Let's get this baby started, huh?

All right.

Okay.

Um, so what exactly are we doing in this sketch?

Because all it said was for us to be... you know, hilarious and improv, so...

Yeah, I wrote that just for you.

You're gonna be great, yeah.

Just follow what it said in the script, okay?

All right, and action.

Got to wait for camera.

Oh, sorry. I knew that.

Camera's ready.

And action.

Wait.

You got wait for sound too, Todd.

Yeah, I knew that too.

Sound speeding.

And action.

Uh, last looks, last looks.

Oh. [laughs]

All right, good. She's good.

And action.

Sorry. I'm looking for Staci.

Uh, yeah, she's somewhere else.

Oh, she's probably running around frantically somewhere.

Okay, I'll find her.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Schumacher.

Yeah?

They have no idea who you are.

Mr. Schumacher...

Joel, please.

Joel, hi. I'm Marcus.

I can help you find Staci.

Hey, Marcus. I can find her.

Uh, Mr. Schumacher?

Rosie Perez.

You know me?

Of course. You're Rosie Perez.

So good to see you.

Oh.

Oh, nice to see you too.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

But I love all your movies.

Oh, thank you. I love all your movies too.

[nervously] "Batman & Robin"?

Yeah.

No.

[both laughing]

You're not that good an actress.

[both laughing]

Anyway, it's so great to see you all.

Uh, you're into a skit or something and...

That's right, yeah. This is "Todd the Tool."

I'm Todd.

You're Todd the Tool.

Can I watch, or is that...

Yeah, man. You're famous.

Sit down. All right.

This is green screen back here.

I was thinking, like, that could be your apartment or specifically your bathroom, 'cause...

Could I just ask a question?

Is there a script?

It's all in my, uh-

So you're just... you're winging it.

Yeah.

Well, could we just deconstruct this? Would you mind?

So, Todd the Tool, where were you born?

Long Island.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean your character.

Oh, uh... the... the toolbox?

All right, what is your purpose, then?

You are a hammer.

Yeah.

You're a tool, so you want to be of service.

You want to serve people, right?

Wait, I... sorry.

This isn't that funny, you know?

Like, no offense.

I don't think you're really a comedy director.

I know comedy, though, so...

Why do you know comedy?

'Cause I grew up with Jimmy and he thinks I'm funny and I laugh at a lot of things.

Well, you know, when we're with our friends, we all think we're funny, but it's different than really doing comedy for an audience.

Absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, I agree too.

Hey, good directors' minds think alike.

♪ ♪

I like your choker.

Oh, thanks.

I wear it 'cause people like it.

That's why I wear things.

Hi. Penny.

Staci, this is Guy the Snake Guy.

Hi, Guy.

Hi. Guy the Snake Guy.

Nice to see you.

Please tell me Mariska Hargitay's not gonna die on "Nightcap" tonight.

I can't promise that she's not gonna be killed.

I mean, it's a big snake, but, I mean, that's part of the intrigue, isn't it, though, yeah?

[grunts]

Okay.

I'm here. What's up in the hood?

Phil, um, we're just going over with Guy the Snake Guy guy the Mariska Hargitay stunt.

"Everybody knows I hate snakes."

That's "Indiana Jones."

Phil, you need to pay attention in case something goes wrong.

Ah, I guess I'll probably be ready.

Oh, Mariska, hi. Oh, great.

Um, this is Guy the Snake Guy.

So excited. Happy to be here. Huge fan.

Yeah, you ready to be a snake's dinner?

Yeah.

[both laughing]

Funny.

You sure you want to do this?

I'm absolutely sure. It's gonna be fine.

She's got to stop talking me out of this.

It's just, I don't want you to die.

You've got, like, 15 kids.

I do. It's gonna be fine.

Okay, well, Guy, tell me if I'm wrong, but don't anacondas eventually squeeze the life out of a human being?

Are you a snake expert all of a sudden?

Ah.

Seriously, Mariska, in the wild, these anacondas, they strangle their prey lifeless and dead, yeah?

And then they devour it.

But not this snake.

I've trained it to skip the first step.

Perfect. Just don't move.

Okay, I won't move.

But what... what if... what if I move?

Crush your whole body. It'd be a bloody mess.

I mean horrible.

Oh, oh, okay. Well, then I won't.

I won't move.

Yeah, don't move.

Okay. [laughs]

You can't move.

Yeah, like, don't move. Yeah, yeah.

♪ ♪

[lively trumpet music]


All right, now, this is how it's gonna go.

Mariska's laying down here, yeah?

And I've trained the snake to start on the special material and swallow all the way up to the top right around here.

You comfortable with that?

Yep, got it.

Now, to make sure that you're good under pressure...

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna pretend I'm the snake.

Just as a little test, yeah?

Got it.

The snake starts out right here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's not moving.

What's going on? How's this gonna work?

I don't know. Is it asleep?

Bam!

Oh, God!

See? And that's how fast it is.

Right up on your ankles there, Mariska.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a little tight.

A little sticky, a little slimy.

Right up again. [slurping]

Feel it? Yeah? Yeah?

[hissing]

Ah, it's up on your gams now, yeah?

That's a little tight, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all right now, it's coming up here, and as soon as it reaches your knees and your thighs, you start to feel a little tingle down by your ankles.

Don't panic.

That's the snake's stomach acid.

And it's gonna tickle.

Okay.

But you can't let it make you move.

Don't move.

That goes for everyone.

No moving.

Up, up, and its lips get swollen with all of its slobber, and it's right here.

Yeah, can you handle it?

Yep.

And it falls asleep, Mariska.

[inhales sharply] And it wakes up.

And it looks in your eyes.

And if it wasn't, it'll just go right there!

But don't worry, because I've trained it not to go farther up.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It knows what to do, and it starts...

[inhales sharply] Releasing back all the way down till you're free, and the segment's over.

Great.

Brilliant, yeah?

Yeah. So I'm ready, right?

Yeah, I think you're ready, Mariska.

Okay.

That's really impressive.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go make sure the snake's ready.

It's time for its dinner, and it's pretty cranky.

Wow, I've got to hand it to him.

I really believed he was the snake.

♪ ♪

Okay, guys. so far, so good, but let's do it again.

Last looks, please.

Yeah, let's go again. Last looks.

Go to do some... [clears throat]

Director's notes here.

Okay, Rosie, that was great.

Just want to do it one more time, and, like, do it, um, you know, funnier.

You're telling me to be funnier?

Eh, you know, just, like... funnier, you know?

Like, funnier... I'm funny.

[chuckles] Like "White Men Can't Jump."

Yeah, well, "White Men Can't Jump" was an excellent script.

Well, you know, the script is really a foundation.

Great.

You know, Todd, I'm sorry if I've been stepping on your toes, really, and, I mean, this is your comedy skit, and I don't want to piss on your parade.

Mr. Schumacher, no, Todd is trying to say that he's very grateful for this opportunity to learn from a master like yourself.

Well, I'm not a master, but since you said that, let's go again.

Let's pick up the pace.

[bang] Ow.

Uh, something wrong?

No, nothing's wrong.

I'm just angry.

Use it.

♪ ♪

Oh, hello.

Welcome to "The Wendy Williams Show."

Hi, I'm St...

Staci Cole, right?

How did you know?

It's my job to know everyone who comes in and out of here.

Our security guard will check you in.

Hi there.

Oh, hi.

Oh, can I offer you something to drink while you wait... a macchiato, espresso, cappuccino, matcha green tea latte?

Oh, listen, you don't have to go out and get me anything. I'm...

Oh. We have a full-time barista.

[all laughing]

Oh, you do?

All right, I'll have a chai latte.

Perfect. Oh, and help yourself to any baked gluten-free items and some fresh fruit.

Is this always here?

Of course.

Wendy takes the health of her employees very seriously.

Wow.

[giggles]

Now, Ms. Cole, if you wouldn't mind just placing your thumbprint there on that pad and looking directly into this camera.

Oh. [chuckles]

It's like the Pentagon.

The... oh.

[both laugh]

You're very funny.

Oh, you've very strong and capable.

Well, it's my job to serve and protect everyone here at this show.

I take it very seriously, as each and every employee, from top to bottom, is a equally important asset here at "Wendy Williams."

As Wendy always says, without any one of us, this show would be nothing.

And here is your chai latte, Ms. Cole.

And Wendy's ready to see you now.

Right. Oh, my God, it's porcelain.

[laughs]

Bye now.

Bye.

Bye.

This is exciting.

[lively trumpet music]

Okay, so I think when Todd says, "Hey, I'm Todd the Tool," you should, like, hit my...

Could I just say one...

No, you can't.

All right.

I'm... jeez.

Enough with your awesome notes, okay?

I can't do this anymore.

I can't! It's...

You're not the director, okay?

I'm the director, okay?

I'm the funny one!

You're just my sidekick.

I'm the funny one. America loves me.

"Just sit in the shadows, Todd, and just be appreciative for what you've got."

Shut up, Jimmy!

Shut up, man!

This is my thing, my thing here!

I am so glad I was here for that.

Shut up, Marcus.

All right.

I'm sorry. [sighs and groans]

I'm just upset.

Could I ask you guys to step out for a second?

Absolutely.

Don't worry, Todd.

They'll be right back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Take a deep breath. Relax.

This has been... you know, there's been a lot of tension, a lot of stress on you, I know.

Yeah.

I...

I don't think this is between you and me, and I'm sorry if I've stepped on your toes.

No, no.

But I think it's between you and Jimmy.

Yeah.

Jimmy's your boss.

And this is his show.

You got to step up, and you've got to step out of his shadow.

You be a director and separate yourself from trying to please Jimmy all the time.

Yeah.

I want you to finish this skit and really put your ass into it.

You can do this.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

Can I give you a hug?

Sure.

Aw.

[grunts] Thank you so much, Jimmy.

Oh.

I think you've just missed the whole point of that, Todd.

I'm gonna go watch Mariska Hargitay get swallowed by a snake.

I'll send them back in.

I'm sorry, Mariska.

I'm just having trouble finding a place to attach this.

Oh, that's okay.

You're such a pro.

[laughs] Thank you.

You're really pretty. Anybody ever tell you that?

Okay.

I actually don't mind if this takes a little bit longer.

[laughing] Yeah. It's okay. I got it.

Thanks so much.

I'm... okay.

Stand down.

I've seen every episode of your show.

Thank you.

Hey, stand down.

Phil, we're talking here, okay?

I said stand down!

I've got a Taser somewhere on me, and I'm not afraid to use it.

What are you doing, Phil?

Phil!

Is everything okay here?

Well, things are much safer now that those two are gone.

Okay.

Okay, guys.

So our segment is up next.

Any last instructions for Mariska?

No, I mean, she looks great.

You look great, Mariska. Just don't move.

Don't twitch. Don't move a muscle.

Don't move. That's all you got to remember.

If the snake begins to coil around you, there's literally nothing I can do.

It's an endangered species.

Don't you have, like, a Taser or something, a zapper?

Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely.

I'm not an idiot. But I can't use it.

It's an endangered species. They'll throw me in jail.

Those PETA bastards are crazy.

So I'd just suffocate.

Uh, yeah. I mean, you'd pass out, and, you know, you'd convulse.

Your eyes go back in your head, drooling kind of stuff, you know?

But yeah, yeah, you'd die, yeah.

Okay. Let's do this.

All right, guys, here we go.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Don't die.

[upbeat music playing]

[cheers and applause]

So how'd you like the office at "The Wendy Williams Show"?

What are you talking about?

You know I know everything.

It went well. It went... it went well.

I didn't get it, though.

Bitch, are you deaf?

Didn't you just hear me say I know everything?

I know you got that job.

Don't you know black girls talk?

Wendy is my client.

It just didn't seem right for me, you know?

It's so perfect. It's like a well-oiled machine.

I wouldn't fit in.

Wendy obviously knows that you're good at what you do and that you'd be an asset.

You'd kick ass over there, and you'd make a lot more money than you do here, but it doesn't take a genius to see that you're too scared to leave this steaming pile of sh1t you got going on over here.

Well, I can't leave "Nightcap" high and dry.

I mean, I've organized everything, and Jimmy can't possibly...

Oh, stop it.

They'd replace you in 2.5 seconds without even missing a beat.

There is a Staci Cole on every street corner in this city, girl.

Is this supposed to be a motivational speech?

No! This is a f*ckin' wake-up call.

You had the opportunity for upward mobility, to work side by side with a strong and powerful sister like yourself, and you're too chickenshit to take it.

You need to do like that Sheryl Sandberg says and lean in, bitch!

[huffs]

Okay.

I'm gonna lean in.

I'm gonna lean in hard.

I'm gonna take that job at "Wendy Williams."

Well, it's too late, because she already hired somebody else.

What?

And you are obviously not ready to leave this place.

[cheers and applause]

She moved! She moved!

She moved!

Mariska?

It encased her!

Oh, my God! Get me my scissors!

♪ ♪

Hey, good news.

Mariska's gonna be fine.

Her bones are broken but only on the right side of her body.

Well, you know what? It's not my fault.

It was Jimmy's idea. My hands are clean.

Hey, they're requesting us in the conference room.

Why?

Some sort of HR meeting.

If there's an ice cream cake, we'd better hurry up.

Oh, but, Staci, you said that you didn't want us to celebrate your birthday...

Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny...

[chuckling]

Let's go to the HR meeting.

♪ ♪

Uh, there's nothing planned, Staci.

All right, I'm gonna close my eyes.

No, um, you don't have to close your eyes.

[chuckles] This is actually kind of fun.

Um...

All right.

Afternoon meeting? That's rich.

All right, I'm gonna open my eyes.

Probably should.

[laughs] Okay.

Okay, Penny.

No, St... Staci, um...

Oh, all right.

Hello, Mr. Stripper.

Uh, I'm Lawrence from HR.

What's the matter? The cop was booked?

Oh, you're Lawrence from HR.

Well, I'm Staci from Talent.

[laughs] Hey, let's get this party started.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!

Oh, he's got a boom box.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop...

Yeah!

Whoa! Stop it.

We're doing it.

Oh, you like it a different way?

Yeah. Come on, let's go.

Oh, stop.

[muffled yelling]

Play with the fun bags!

Play with the fun bags!

Yeah, whoo!

I'm...

I really am Lawrence from HR.

He's really from HR.

[mouths word]

[sighs]

Okay.

As I was saying, um, we've had several cases of interstitial lung disease in the building, and we think it's linked to lead poisoning, and we need to test everyone.

Yeah, I'm sorry. And who are you?

I'm Staci from Talent.

It's my birthday.

Happy birthday.

If everyone would open their pamphlets on "How to Manage Interstitial Lung Disease and Keep Working: Everything You Need to Know to Stay Productive and Alive," you'll notice in the left column, filing for time off, that is strongly discouraged.

We feel that if you just rest up over the weekend, you'll be good to go on Monday.

I would, however, like to go over some of the symptoms you may encounter with ILD.

For starters, you may experience loose or bloody stools.