(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Carol on radio: Priority one. 1-5-1 in progress.
I repeat, 1-5-1 in progress.
We've got a code 7. I'm sending backup.
Car 72 responding.
We are heading south along Tenement Avenue, heading towards location.
(tyres screech)
April: Code 7. It's a priority 1.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Carol: Car 72, come in.
Stokes: Almost there.
Nearly there, nearly there.
Use of deadly force is authorised.
Stokes: Straight through the lights.
Hendy: Yep, yep, yep.
Right, right, right.
(HORN BLARES)
Oh, God.
Stokes: Left here. Left, left. That's it. Left, left, left!
Hendy: Where is he? Where is he?
Okay, I've got a visual on the suspect, first floor.
Shh! Got a visual on the suspect.
(CHILLING MUSIC)
Hendy: Stokes, are you sure?
I'm sure.
We have the sh*t.
Hendy: Take the sh*t.
Stokes, take the sh*t!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)
Pew! Pew!
Head sh*t.
Okay, end of drill.
Yes!
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
Nailed it.
Whoo!
How did we go?
17min 38sec response time.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Yeah, it's not great either.
Yeah, but we had all the traffic at the Domain.
There was a Rock Eisteddfod on.
Lots of kids we had to try not to hit.
As long as you're happy with it, that's the important thing.
I'm happy with it.
Me too.
See you at the station.
Thanks, boys. Thank you.
Good job.
There's a nice little pho place around the corner.
We just ate.
Oh.
And it's pronounced "fuh".
What is?
Vietnamese soup. Is that what you're talking about?
"Fuh".
"Fuh".
There's a nice "fah" place...
Nuh.
There's a nice "farh" place around the corner.
No.
There's a nice "fah"...
"Fuh".
"Fah".
"Fuh".
"Fuh".
Ask me.
"Fah"?
Ask the whole thing.
There's a nice "fah" place...
No, no.
There's a nice "fah" place around the corner.
There's a nice "fah" place...
No.
There's a nice "fah"...
No.
Nice "furh"...
Come on.
All right. Nice "furh" place around the corner.
Almost.
Nice "furh" place.
Almost.
Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
Again.
Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
Yeah?
And it's "Cheap Tuesday".
Okay, let's do it.
All right.
(THEME MUSIC)
♪ Out here on my own ♪
♪ Why's it always take so long? ♪
♪ I'm ready for the moment ♪
♪ Forget about the future ♪
♪ I'm ready for the pressure to blow. ♪
Reporter on TV: Businessman Bernard Doolan and his wife, Elizabeth, have been reported missing from their home.
Woman: We're currently investigating the whereabouts of the Doolans.
At this stage, there is a missing persons case.
But rest assured, we have some of our finest detectives on the job.
This is such a waste of time.
I mean, they've... they probably weren't even kidnapped.
Missing persons?
It's... ridiculous.
Even if they were kidnapped, as if they're gonna walk back in here.
Bloody ridiculous.
I really should change this profile picture.
Would you... would you try taking a new profile pic for me, all right?
I'm just... This doe-eyed hipster one thing doesn't...
I... I've ploughed that field.
Exhausted all the women in that market.
Did you just refer to yourself as a hipster?
Yeah, it's just, like, the whole little bad-boy thing going on there.
You mean your moustache? Is that what you're talking about?
Yeah, absolutely.
THAT moustache?
This one.
That one?
Yeah. Don't touch it.
I don't see how that's hipster at all. Why do you think it's hipster?
Well, it is, because I read this funny thing the other day about the 10 reasons you are a hipster.
And number one... (CHUCKLES)
Yeah?
Number one is if you participate in Movember all year round.
(LAUGHS) I do that.
Do you?
Yeah.
Do you?
Yeah, it funny.
I've never known you to contribute to research for testicular cancer.
(LAUGHS) Testicles? Why did you say that?
Because it's about donating money to testicular cancer research.
(CHUCKLES) It's... it's not.
Isn't it?
No, it's just about growing a funny moustache and wearing it around the office and giving everyone a laugh.
Then you trim it down towards the end of it.
See, this is the thing that kills me about these fad charities.
It's... it's...
Did you say f*g charities?
FAD.
Sorry.
Charities.
Right.
Everybody forgets what the cause is and it's just about being zany in the office, being a good ol' boy around the office.
It's about testicular cancer research.
Drop the zaniness, just donate to AIDS research because you're a decent person.
AIDS?
Yeah.
They've pretty much cured that one, though, haven't they?
Pretty much not.
If I said to you "full-blown blah", full-blown something, what'd be the next word you would think of?
Full-blown...
Dickhead.
No. Full-blown...
f*ck stick.
No! Full-blown...
Arse face.
Full-blown AIDS!
Right.
'Full-blown' doesn't go with anything else.
There's three other things I just thought of that go well.
I've never heard that in the same phrase.
You'll hear them a bit more from now on, I think.
(PHONE RINGING TONE)
Man on phone: Neddy and that new bloke got the package?
Man 2: Mate, safe and sound out west.
Man 1: Any heat?
Man 2: Nah, the cops are clueless.
Just poking around the harbour.
Man 1: Okay.
Who's gonna notice that we're missing?
I have no idea, Elizabeth.
Someone from your office.
Fiona or Marcus, one of them.
They'll... they'll clue in.
No.
It wouldn't be someone from my office because I work from home half the time, I have several offices.
I think it would probably be, er, Claudia when she comes on Thursday.
But we're never there. We're never there on Thursday.
No, she'll notice when she doesn't get paid, darling.
She's auto-paid, darling.
No, there's got to be someone else.
Um, er...
Oh, Grace!
Who's Grace?
Grace is my best friend.
Grace is your best friend?
My best friend.
Darling, I have never heard you mention the name Grace in the entire time I have known you.
Excuse me! Grace, I met her at French cooking class last year.
Oh, that woman.
December.
Grace.
Oh, yes. The melted hobbit.
That's disgusting.
Darling, she has...
That is absolutely disgusting.
The worst work done on her face.
Darling, there's no need to lash out because you don't have a best friend and I do.
I don't have a best friend?
No, darling, you don't.
Really? Well, that is going to be news to Elliot Gough.
Elliot Gough?
Yes, darling.
Elliot Gough, my best friend.
When was the last time you saw Elliot Gough?
It doesn't matter how often I see him, Elizabeth.
The point is he's my best friend.
Oh, really? He's your best friend?
Tell me, how many children does he have?
Oh! We're gonna do a quiz now, are we?
He has three children, darling.
And what are their names, darling?
Test me on the names.
You are... (SCOFFS) beyond...
William, Kate and Jack.
Oh, Jack? Jack?
Yes, his youngest.
Oh.
Adorable little thing.
Really?
So Elliot Gough has a son named Jack?
Yes.
So his name is Jack Gough, "Jack Off"?
Oh...
That's his name?
I'm sure they don't say it like that.
I think we can agree it won't be Elliot Gough or his son, "Jack Off".
I'm not best friends with his children, darling!
That would be weird.
If I was keeping track of the children's names of all my friends...
"Ooh, what's your children's names? What's your children's..."
"What's... Oh, what's his name?"
You haven't spoken...
I don't know his children's names!
I don't need to know... to Elliot Gough since 1995!
What his children's names are for him...
(BERNARD AND ELIZABETH CONTINUE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(SHOUTS) Keep it quiet down there!
God, now they're angry.
What did you do that for?
(WHISPERS) You started it.
(SHOUTS) Yeah, keep it down!
(CHUCKLES)
Neddy, when do you reckon the boss is gonna call me?
I don't know, mate.
That's what we're waiting for.
So when he calls, we're gonna do the ransom call then, right?
After he calls and lets us know?
Mate, we don't do the ransom call.
What do you mean we don't do the ransom call?
We don't do the ransom call.
We're the kidnappers, we've done the kidnapping, someone else does the ransom call.
Who does the ransom call?
I don't know.
I'm not the ransom call guy, otherwise I'd know.
I'm the kidnapping guy.
I'm a really good ransom caller as well, man. I'm really good.
(SIGHS) Do you want to hear it?
No.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll do it, you don't have to listen.
Why not just don't do it and I won't have to listen?
(FAUX INDIAN ACCENT) Hello. Yes, I am the kidnapper.
I have your people here. I will k*ll them.
You make a move. Ball is on your court. Ta-ta.
What the f*ck is with that Indian accent?
Mate, that's it. That's the logic of it all, right?
Ta-ta?
Like the English, colonial English.
Ta-ta. Right?
They're gonna know.
They're gonna not expect it to be a Subcontinent guy.
They're gonna expect it to be a white guy, right, doing an accent.
So, like, they're not gonna think it's me.
They're gonna look at me and they're gonna go, "That guy doesn't sound Indian or Sri Lankan. That guy..."
No, they're not. They're gonna go, "It's an Indian guy."
They'll look at you, go, "A f*cking Indian guy."
r*cist.
They don't give a f*ck if they're r*cist.
They'll go, "Here's an Indian guy on the f*cking phone."
"Here's an Indian guy standing in front of me.
"It's a f*cking Indian guy."
They're not gonna think it's me.
They'll go, "Mate, he wouldn't be dumb enough"
"to put on an Indian accent as an Indian."
You know what else? I'm not Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.
So they've already f*cked that up.
They'll be looking around going, "Hmm, who would be stupid enough"
"to put on an Indian accent?"
A white bloke.
Thinking ahead.
Forward planning.
How would you do it? You're gonna do a call. How?
I wouldn't do it.
Yeah, but if you had to.
I don't have to.
But just imagine!
I wouldn't do a stupid f*cking Indian accent!
Right, then, how would you do it?
It's not even intimidating. You do an intimidating accent.
Come on, just show me how you would do it.
How would you scare me? How would you intimidate me?
(SHOUTS) Give me the f*cking... I'm gonna f*cking do it now!
They're gonna f*cking die! I'll f*cking k*ll them!
(GABBERS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
Mate, if I got that call, I'd be scared.
But I wouldn't know what I was scared about.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Carol: Anything turn up?
Officer: Negative.
(RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES)
Yes, I'm on the phone to him now, Lachy.
He's my boyfriend and you're my son.
I'm not taking sides.
Hang on. Just hang on a minute.
It's Lachy on the other phone.
He's... he's denying it.
So I... I don't know. It's just a mystery.
I... Well, hey, you can...
You're both just gonna have to wait until I get home if you can't sort it out yourselves.
(SIGHS)
Beau and Lachy again?
Yeah.
Just standard World w*r III.
Oh, standard.
Yeah.
Well, this time Beau thinks Lachy has done a turd in his work boot.
So...
Okay.
There's obviously a turd in there.
Lachy knows nothing about it.
Beau thinks it's definitely Lachy's done it.
And we don't even know if it's a human turd.
It could be a dog turd.
We've had one good week in the two months he's been living with us, I reckon.
You know, we had the incident with the sticky stuff in the toolbox and then the hair in the sandwich.
The pubic hair?
We don't know it was pubic hair.
Okay, yeah. Sorry, that's right.
They just can't get along.
Yeah.
Now I'm just caught between Beau, my beau Beau, you know, Lachy, and the turd in the boot.
You could always just take a bit down to the lab and find out whose it is.
Oh, what? So I'll knock off tonight and then go home.
And, you know, instead of, like, just, you know, putting the bag down and having a glass of wine or something and...
No, no, no!
I'll go to the work boot, get a bit of the turd out, put it in a Ziploc bag and run it down to the lab.
That's... that sounds like a top night, that does.
That's a brilliant idea.
Well, it was just an idea.
Yeah. Would...
It would probably put a bit of closure on the mystery, though, wouldn't it?
April: Yeah.
And they do owe me a favour, those boys at the lab.
Can you hang on a minute?
Yeah, have you still got it?
Yeah, yeah.
Don't touch it. Just leave it.
Stokes: Maybe we should just do my profile picture, you know, and get my g*n.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Maybe I should, um... Could I fire off a round?
You reckon you could capture that?
We're not gonna do that.
Maybe a...
Just hold it up.
You know, "The Deer Hunter" thing.
Yeah, what does he say when the guy's slapping him?
"Dickidy tie! Dickidy tie!"
"d*ck in a tie?"
No.
Is that what you want to put?
Er, "Titty mau! Titty mau!"
"Titty mau"?
Forget it.
You know, put it up in front, like, James Bond style.
Like that, eh?
Close to your face.
Just a profile, profile. Sean Connery.
Lick it, lick it. Lick the whole length of it.
Lick the full shaft of it.
No. I don't like...
Okay, lose the g*n.
All right.
All right, let's just go with the same idea.
You're a desperate... you're a desperado.
You know, you're on the run from the law. You're desperate.
(HUFFS)
You'll do anything.
You'll do anything. You're desperate for...
You're desperate to find something.
You're hungry and you're begging.
You're a desperate... desperate older man.
You're a desperate old man begging for love.
You're a desperate old man and you're begging love, pathetically throwing yourself on the mercy of some...
Errr!
Poor woman who is just...
Why would I do this? This is not the image that I was going for.
I think that's it. That's good actually.
I'm not gonna use that.
No, that's it.
Go back to the hipster one.
No, this is much better.
Why?
Because it's you.
That's actually honest.
Stokes: That's not me.
Yes, it is.
That's not me.
You don't recognise it, but it is you.
And that'll attract the women you'll be most comfortable with.
Which is not a bad idea.
No, that's a good idea.
To find the perfect match.
You know, you might not get a lot of hits.
But the ones you get...
Will matter.
Will be ready to accept you...
They'll stick.
For what you are.
All right.
This.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
God, these things are so soft.
My mum's booties.
Wait.
What are they doing, like, in this ransom house?
Like, did you bring them with you?
It's my mum's house.
This is your mum's house?
Yeah. Whose did you think it was?
I dunno. It feels like some kind of ransom house.
Ransom house? How do you get a ransom house?
Go up to a friend, say, "Can we kidnap some people"
"and put 'em down in your house?"
Where's your mum?
Mum's gone.
Gee, sorry to hear that, mate. When did she pass?
Hey?
When did your mum pass away?
Oh, she's not dead.
She's in a home.
Hardest thing I ever had to do.
The mind goes, doesn't it?
Oh, no, Mum's perfectly fine.
That... that made it harder.
Body? Like, she's in a wheelchair?
Like, arthritis? Just...
No, she's a health nut.
Still walks to work.
She walks to work?
Well, yeah.
I've got her car, so she has to.
Got, like, a little... little job? Canteen or something?
No, she's full-time.
How old is she?
57.
She's in a home and she's 57?
Well, there's never a good time.
Well, think about it.
You think you want to put your mum through this kind of traumatic experience when she's lost her marbles?
She won't even know what the f*ck's going on.
This way, you can actually sit down and have a reasonable conversation about it, go, "Mum, you're going in the home."
So does she like it? She's having a good time?
Well, none of them like it.
I don't know how to say this, but I don't think she should be in a home.
We all make sacrifices, mate.
I've got to look after the house.
Got to look after her car.
That's life.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER OVERLAPS)
April on radio: Car 72, please report.
Car 72, please report.
Yeah, nah, that's April.
I'll take that.
It doesn't...
Car 72, come in.
April, this is Detective Stokes here, not Hendy.
So no need for concern.
I know things got a bit weird between you there, so it's okay, if you have any future correspondence you can deal directly with me.
Er, er... this... this is Hendy.
Car 72. No activity.
April: Thank you. Copy that.
(QUIETLY) Oh, Jesus.
What's going on there?
Oh, it's just... it's awkward.
Oh, sounds awkward.
What... what happened?
April and I had a little misfire, as you remember.
After that, we got back in touch, kind of started seeing each other, really casual, right?
And my car was in the shop and he'd just texted, and I remembered he had the four-wheel drive, and so...
She goes, "Hey, my family's got a coast house. Wanna come away for the weekend?"
"So I can have a lift."
So I can get a lift, totally.
We get there, right, on the Friday night, whole family's there.
Ooh.
Anyway, the next morning we went for a swim in this creek nearby.
And we get there, we all take our clothes off, jump in.
We're just splashing around...
What, just nude?
.. having a nice time.
The whole family, nude?
Yeah.
Completely nude.
Oh, God!
Middle of the day?
Mate, it was bright summer.
Bri... Like, there was no shade. Everything was in HD.
I just couldn't...
Ohhh!
It was like, "Oh, God!"
So it was, like, a nudie area?
No, it wasn't a nudist area.
This other family nearby sees what's going on, pack up their stuff, leave.
And then we started the water Olympics that we do, which is so fun, we got, like, um...
That's in the nude too?
Yeah. It's all in the nude.
And they're all like, "Come on, Hendy!"
"Take your swimmers off! Come on! It's fun!"
No!
No.
The dad comes up behind me, completely dacks me and smacks me on the arse.
Ooh!
It was hysterical.
f*ck, it was funny. But he got right into it.
And then, you know, you have handstand competitions, tunnel ball.
We're up on the bank playing tunnel ball, Granddad’s right in front of me.
You're at the back.
Oh, God!
Just looking right up the tunnel.
We all took turns looking at each other's bits.
It was abuse.
Hmm.
We got, like, piggyback wrestling, and I'm on my dad's shoulders and Mum's on Hendy's shoulders.
Oh, what was that like?
Like a sodden taco.
Ohh.
We're all getting along, and then I start to notice that Hendy's just, like, staring at something.
And I follow his eye line.
He's staring at my dad's d*ck.
Staring at your dad's d*ck?
Staring at my dad's d*ck.
At some point there we're playing Marco Polo. "Marco! Polo!"
I'm like, "f*ck this. I'm out of here." I leave.
Fair enough.
Back to the house.
"Meet you later, weird family."
Anyway, later, in the bedroom, I sat him down.
I was like, "Can we just talk about the elephant in the room here?"
And she's like, "Hey, Hendy, I know today was a bit weird."
Yes.
"Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit weird."
"Thanks for saying so, April." And she goes...
"Look, I know my dad's d*ck's bigger than your d*ck"
"and it doesn't matter to me."
Oh.
Oh? Oh?
Yeah, now I understand why it was so weird now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That her dad's d*ck's bigger.
No!
That's weird.
No, that's not the poi...
Did you hear everything that I just said?
They were nude and forcing me to be nude, and all the...
That's the weird thing.
But it was... bigger?
He's not circumcised.
Oh.
Interesting.
I didn't ask for that point of, um, detail, but all the same...
The point is she's got a weird family, she's the weird one.
This isn't about me or my d*ck.
And it actually just kind of ruined the weekend.
After that, it was like, "What's happened to him?"
Like he just... shut down.
Hmm.
I can understand why things are tense.
But was it bigger?
No further comment.
All right, all right. Not even a little...
No.
Let's leave it at that.
How about his balls?
Lower.
Yeah?
They were lower.
You'd see that.
I did.
Bernard: There's gonna be someone who's gonna notice or someone who's gonna, um...
Silly how hard this is.
Elizabeth: Yeah, a little...
Um, er... er...
Oh.
No, no, no. I've got it.
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
It's... it's, um...
You don't have it.
I do, I do.
I've got it.
Do you have it or not?
Because otherwise I'll say one.
Just give me a minute.
Just give me a second.
Um, it would be, um...
My brother, I haven't spoken to for...
God, years.
Er... Mmm.
It's moments like these you wish you had parents who were alive.
Um...
My mother IS alive.
Well, I know she's technically alive.
But she's certainly not someone who's going to notice us missing.
I mean, she wouldn't notice if her teeth were missing, darling.
Okay, you know, Bernie, please.
(SIGHS) Who else? Um...
I've got it, I've got it. Of cou...
Who?
The kidnappers.
The kidnappers. They have to get their money, their ransom.
They will contact someone and make demands and that person will then realise and we will be set free.
Darling, I think you solved it.
Wait, who will the kidnappers contact?
(DREAMY MUSICAL RINGTONE PLAYS, PHONE BUZZES)
That's it.
Oh, no, wait.
Can I do it?
Come on, please, please.
Go on, go on.
Great!
Hey, boss.
Boss: You've done it?
Yeah, it's done. It's totally done.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Right.
Downstairs. Downstairs. They're both tied up.
And, um, safe and sound. They're not going anywhere.
(BOSS SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) They?
The husband and the wife. They're both tied up.
Boss: What the f*ck you saying?
You got them both?
Yeah, yeah. I got 'em both. Got 'em both, right here.
Oh, Jesus f*cking Christ!
Who the hell is gonna pay the f*cking ransom?
N...
Hey? Oh, Jesus f*cking...
Yeah, right. No, I thought...
You don't get paid to f*cking think!
(HANGS UP)
What?
He said to get one.
One?
He... he said... he said, "They?"
And I was like, "Yeah, the husband and wife."
And, like, that's what... He said, "Not they. Just the wife."
But when he told me when he... to do this job, like, he was, like, "Go get her."
But then when he wanted both of us to do it, I was like, "Obviously, you're gonna get one and I'm gonna get the other."
But then, like, right now, he's saying to me, you know, he's meant to pay the ransom.
So, like, how's he gonna pay the ransom when he's down there and...
(WHISPERS) Oh, for f*ck's sake.
No, look, look. Neddy, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise. I just...
(WHACK!)
(NEDDY SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
They don't sound happy.
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
No, no, no. This isn't good.