01x02 - The Grandparents

[bunniefuu]

Hi, it's Poodle, leave a message.

(beep)

Oh, hey, Poodle.

Hey, it's me, Mickey, again.

Uh, remember me? The one you saddled with your kids, who are awful, by the way.

Listen, I was just... I had this thought that maybe if you had a couple spare minutes, you could give 'em a call and let them know that you fled the country and left them with a total stranger, you stupid, selfish monsters!

Anyway, give me a call.

Aah!

(sighs)

(toilet flushes)

Okay.

(inhales)

(exhales)

You got this.

Ah! Touchdown!

Her turn, hit her with a shrimp!

No, no, thank you.

I'm not trying to get hepatitis.

I want hepatitis.

Coming your way, buddy!

This is awesome, right, guys?

Why are we in a poor person's restaurant?

What's the matter with you?

It's not a poor person's restaurant... don't be an ass.

This guy's not even Japanese. His name's Pedro.

All right, well, Hamilton wasn't Puerto Rican, but people seem to be enjoying that just fine.

All right, listen, I brought you guys here because I, I got to tell you some pretty big news, and it's not...

Pass.

Pass? What are...?

You gonna pop those in right now? Are you kidding me?

Fine. Forget you. Ben, Chip, listen.

This is going to be pretty hard to...

Hey, Ben, I dare you to lick the grill.

What? Shut up! Just listen to me.

What's it taste like?

Oh, it's delicious! Come on, I'll give you a thousand bucks.

No, don't. He does not have a thousand dollars.

Boom.

Oh, my God.

You are a nightmare. Ben, don't do it, okay?

Will you just please listen? Sabrina, this is serious.

Don't touch my stuff, psycho.

I just thought you might like to know that your parents are gone and they're not coming back.

They're dead?

No, no. Not dead.

They're definitely not dead.

But they did flee the country.

That doesn't make any sense. They didn't do anything wrong.

Uh, I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I'm not going to touch that one.

No, I don't believe you. You're lying.

Why would I lie about that?

Um, I don't know, maybe because you're a lying bitch.

Okay, look, I understand this is really hard stuff to hear.

It's not hard to hear.

It's actually really easy.

I, like, literally don't care at all.

Okay, well the pitch of your voice is making it seem like you care a lot.

I don't care!

It's just... it's embarrassing, that's all.

Yes, it is, it is, agreed. It's very embarrassing.

Let's just keep our voices down, okay?

These gentlemen are trying to enjoy their dinner.

You think I care about these idiots?

Uh, sorry.

What is wrong with you? You're making a scene.

Oh, oh. I'm so, I'm so sorry.

Let me make it right.

How is that for a scene?

Dinner and a show! Lap it up, you dogs!

Hey, get-get back over here right now!

Oh, don't tell us what to do! You're not our mom.

You're just looking for a handout.

Hey, Sabrina...

You with your bad hair and your Dumpster clothes!

I know what you're up to, and I'll tell you something, you're not going to get away with that.

(sizzles)

Aah...!

Well, I hope you're very proud of yourself.

Your brother has b*rned off all of his taste buds.

Chip: I'd like to apologize for my behavior.

I understand, as the new patriarch of this family, you are all looking to me to set the tone, and I fell short.

Stop it, okay?

Nobody's looking to you for anything.

Oh, I'm sorry. You think you're in charge?

We're not gonna listen to a single word you say.

Well, you're not gonna have to. 'Cause I'm catching the last chopper out of Saigon.

You're leaving?

Yeah, Alba, I'm leaving.

Have you seen that car outside? That's a pig.

Probably FBI. And I'm pretty sure the IRS is not far behind.

And once all this is gone, Alba, all that's left is this.

And nobody wants just this.

Well, where you gonna go?

I'm gonna go back to Rhode Island.

Where I have no responsibilities and nobody to answer to.

So, unemployed and alone?

Sounds neat.

I wish I could bash you.

Okay, thank you for your time, Mackenzie, but I think I've got it from here.

Oh, wonderful. I bet you do, Chip. Great. But just in case, I've called your dad's parents, and they're on their way.

The colonel? No way. That guy's a legend.

I've modeled my entire career after him.

O-Oh, yes. I-I like the colonel very much.

When I was a little girl, he came to my village in Guatemala and built the hospital.

And then he brought me and my mother back to the States.

He would call me his libélula...

Dragonfly.

And you've been trapped here ever since?

Ugh. You're like a veal.

Got to get out more.

Wait, aren't he and Grandma Tippy, like, 100 years old?

They sounded about 1,000 on the phone, so I'm gonna get out of here before I get stuck talking about soup or whatever.

Sabrina: Fine, go.

You think I care?

Why are you taking our stuff?

Call it payment for services rendered.

You get that for living in our mansion for three days?

Well, I was eyeing the G-wagon but I didn't want to be gassing up the whole time, so I decided to go solar.

It's electric.

I know, right?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm coming with you.

What? No, you're not.

W... We are friends, yes?

Well, I mean, yeah.

We're friendly.

But I... You know, I-I already got the rug and...

Plus, the kids need you.

No, we don't.

Take her.

Miss Mickey, when I smashed that man over the head, I felt an animal in my chest wake up and roar.

I would very much like to feel that again.

Okay. I mean, how am I supposed to argue with that?

Fine, come along for a couple days, but you got to keep up, all right? I don't feel like babysitting.

Otherwise I'd stay with these animals.

Oh, uh... but i-it's up to you, Benito.

I will only go if I have your blessing.

Okay.

Mm.

Okay, let's go.

Well, that about does it. Good luck to you.

Uh, take care of yourselves.

And if you need anything at all, do not hesitate to call 911.

Hold onto your nips, this kitty can purr.

What's shakin', bacon?

Excuse me?

You're excused.

A little hustle, please. The colonel's waiting.

So what?

So show some respect.

He's a freaking w*r hero.

Dude went buck wild on Korea.

Look at this beast.

If there was ever a guy to surrender the patriarch role to, it's this stud.

(doorbell rings)

What?

Hello!

Oh, my goodness, look how big you've all gotten!

(gasps) Sabrina.

My beautiful angel.

And Chip, such a dashing young gentleman.

You remind me of my husband.

Oh, and Ben, my poor baby.

I heard about that little accident you had.

Hello, Grandma.

Now, it has been a long day, so why don't we all go upstairs and change into our PJs?

(chuckles)

Yeah, sorry, Grandma, that's not gonna work for me.

I've got a party to go to tonight. And I probably won't get home until late, so, you know what, don't wait up for me.

You guys... Oh!

I realize you children aren't used to having rules, but all that's going to change. Now, be a good girl and do as Grandma says.

No.

(gasps)

Chip: Whoa.

I think you'll find I have very little tolerance for back sass, dear.

Upstairs.

(door opens)

Mickey: So, of course,

I'm trying to convince him it was just a rash, but, you know, he wasn't buying it.

Oh.

You know, when I was a little girl, a rash spread through our village and nearly took all of the women.

Oh. Right on.

Yeah.

Very cool that we both have rash stories.

So, this is it. Home, sweet home.

(airplane whooshes)

Oh, yeah, I live real close to the airport.

Super convenient. Thirsty?

Yeah.

Cheers.

Oh.

Ah.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Mm, mm.

There we go.

Cheers.

(toilet flushing)

(gasps)

Jimmy?!

Holy crap, you're alive.

Oh, you look good.

What? No. Get-Get off of me!

You look really good.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm happy to see you.

Hi. Hey.

Alba: Mm.

I'm Jimmy.

Oh.

I'm the boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Oh, come on. We've been plowing for, like, ten years...

What are you doing here, Jimmy?

Are you living in my place?

No. The... the pipe is just, like...

Oh, the pipe? Yeah, and it... there's a, there's a... you got a drippy...

I got a drippy?

(sighs)

I missed the smells.

Okay, well, you can smell my ass when you kiss it good-bye. Leave.

Okay, you know what, I'm sensing some major hostility here, which is fine, but is it about the car thing?

The car thing where you ran me over?

Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Okay. Well, I said I was sorry.

No, you didn't say you were sorry.

I'm saying it now.

Jimmy, you didn't even stop.

I thought you were dead!

Did you stop?

Did you stop and think about how it made me feel?

Get out!

I'm serious. Get out.

Oh, fine!

Well, guess what. I don't need this, and I don't need you and I don't need this robe.

Come on. Keep the robe. I don't want the robe.

No, I don't want it.

It makes me think of you, and I hate it.

Wha...

Hold on.

Did you get a new tattoo?

Yeah, I did.

I regret it.

Mm.

Oh. And a word to the wise: that loan shark from the Indian casino, he's been poking around, so when he comes to get...

He reminds me of my cousin, Victor.

In the womb for 14 months.

Big head.

Very sad.

Yeah.

Don't pay attention to him. He's no one.

Hey, you want to get out of here, go crank the lights up on this town?

(laughs): I don't know what you say.

That's okay. Uh, just take this, and I will explain the rest later.

Oh. No. No, thank you.

Oh, don't worry... It's super mild.

Oh, no, no, I-I can't, 'cause I have a sensitive stomach.

Me, too. Just take half.

No, it's-it's no good.

Just put it on your tongue and tell me what it tastes like.

I can't do it! It's not good.

Alba, friends trust each other.

Plea...

I said no!

I'll fire you if you don't.

(laughing): I'm just kidding!

Oh, I'm so sorry. Your face. I scared you.

I can't fire you... You're not even mine.

(both laughing)

You don't have to take it.

Oh, thank you.

'Cause you already took it.

Wait, what?

Mm.

I popped one in your beer earlier.

Uh... no, y-you're joking.

This is a joke, right?

Of course I'm joking!

Oh.

(laughing): Who would do that?

Oh... I can't tell, I can't tell.

I know.

Actually, I'm joking about joking.

I'd say you have about ten minutes.

Wha...? Oh. Oh, no, no.

Yeah. You know what, I'm gonna go freshen up.

This is gonna be fun.

Don't leave. No.

Oh. (grunting)

Oh! What are you doing?

I was gonna go make a grilled cheese.

What are you doing?

I'm going out.

What if Grandma wakes up?

Well, you can tell her to eat a big fat...

And where might you two be going?

I was just going to make a grilled cheese.

Huh?

No, I-I was gonna go make a grilled cheese.

Ah, what a coincidence... Everyone's got a midnight hankering for some grilled cheese.

Okay, fine, I'm going out. My friend Fuji is deejaying.

Oh, how fun. Did you hear that, Colonel?

Fuji is deejaying.

Look, it's not that big of a deal... I'm just going dancing.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? You can dance right here.

What?

You heard me. Dance.

Come on, Grandma, this is insane.

Dance!

(snickers)

(laughs)

You gentlemen aren't going to let a lady dance alone, are you?

Go on.

Join her.

(gasps softly) That's better.

Now we're having fun.

(dance b*at plays)

♪ ♪

How you doing over there?

I... Good, I think.

Yeah?

My legs are heavy, but... my mind is light.

And my back is slick with a river of sweat.

I feel relaxed but... also focused.

Kind of warm, too.

Mm-hmm.

Overall, good. I feel good!

Great. That was a lot of info there.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. Mm.

Mm!

Whoa-whoa! That's not what you want to gulp.

Mm-mm. Mm.

No... no guzzling.

All right, that's on you.

Do you want to go dance?

Yeah, lead the way, bitch! Yeah!

♪ ♪

(retching)

(unzips)

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

(airplane whooshing)

Aah! We're gonna die!

(screams)

What? What?

Okay, okay, we're home.

We're home. Right on.

Ay. Oh, my mind is in pain.

Oh, Alba, God, do you have to scream?

It's like nails in a blender.

Let's just get inside and pass out, and then...

Wait, why is my window open?

Didn't Jimmy mention something about a loan shark?

Hold on a second. I got to make a phone call.

Oh, the words you say mean n-nothing.

Just shu... sh-sh-sh-shush.

Jimmy: Yo.

You're k*lling me.

Oh, hey, Jimmy, hey. How's my big, sexy side of beef, huh? What are you doing?

Just dumping out. I ate some leftover clams for breakfast... they're wreaking havoc on my insides.

What's up with you?

Nothing. Uh...

I just was hoping that you could come over here and... wreak havoc on my insides.

Oh. You do, do you?

Yeah. Big-time.

Uh... get over here. Take me.

You asked for it.

I'm gonna mop up, and I'll be right ov...

(groans) I mean...

Grandma says come down for break...

What are you doing?

This woman needs to know who she's messing with.

You sure that's a good idea?

Oh, it's all part of the dance.

She came at me, now I'll come at her, and round and round we'll go in this cruel little game of wits.

You sound insane.

Do I?!

I learned it from Mickey.

At least she appreciated a healthy rivalry.

Come on.

Ah.

Ow!

That's the colonel's bacon!

You can have bacon when you earn bacon.

You children have been spoiled rotten.

I mean, for goodness' sake, Ben is the only one of you with any manners.

Now, I suppose it's not entirely your fault.

I blame my idiot son and that whore mother of yours.

But I will restore dignity to our family if it's the last thing I do.

Chip, from now on, you'll be the colonel's apprentice.

You can start by cutting his food into little pieces and feeding him.

Doesn't he have a nurse for that?

He does. You.

And, uh, little Miss Rosemary Kennedy here will learn to behave like a lady, or she will suffer the consequences.

Yes, Grandma. Whatever you say.

Good.

(chuckles)

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to enjoy my coffee.

(sighs)

(gasps) Oh!

What? (scoffs)

What?

You ruined my blouse, you wrinkly bitch!

Your blouse was ruined by your inability to fill it out.

(scoffs)

Now, go put on a fresh pot.

(exhales)

(tires screech)

(car door shuts)

Let's do this.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

(exhales) Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

(grunts)

Oh, sh...

(grunting)

Wait, wait.

(grunting)

Ooh.

My goodness.

(grunts)

(panting)

Mickey?

Mickey.

Time to boogie.

Do something!

Don't worry, I got this.

Suck solar, bitch.

(engine revs)

(battery dies)

(beeping)

What-What's happening?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey.

(groans)

$4,200, Mick.

Where is it?

Where do you think it is?

Do I look like I'm playing games?

Okay.

I don't have it. But what do you say you take that car out front and we call it even, huh?

I don't want your stolen car.

I'm a loan shark, not a car thief.

(groans)

Sit. Both of you.

Mickey, I am scared. Your life is very sad.

Yes, I know that, okay? Thank you.

I want to go home to Greenwich.

It's too late. We've b*rned that bridge.

You b*rned that bridge.

We both b*rned that bridge.

It doesn't matter who lit the match.

We must beg their forgiveness. Mr. Chip will give you the money to pay for this mess.

No.

I am not borrowing money from a 12-year-old.

Honestly, Mickey, I'm depressed for you.

You literally have nothing.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Well, I hate to do it, but you leave me no choice.

Put your hand flat on the table.

Okay, look, I know you got to do the whole tough guy routine, but, listen, you and I, we all know that you're not actually gonna hit a lady.

Oh, my God!

(screaming)

Oh! You crushed me!

Next hand. Hurry. I got to pick my boy up from day care.

No, no, no, no, no! I got the money, I got the money.

Where?

It's in Connecticut. Just give me a couple hours.

You think I'm an idiot?

Give me that hand!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'll leave you Alba as collateral.

What?!

Hurry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

(whimpering) Please don't leave me.

Alba, listen to me. You got to trust me right now, okay?

Please trust me.

No, I don't trust you. You drugged me.

Well, that was for your own good.

I mean, look how far you've come.

(whimpering)

All right, listen, I need you to do me a favor. I did you a favor.

It's your turn to do me a favor. That's what best friends do.

We are best friends?

Well, I don't know. Are we?

Yeah...

All right.

"Meh, meh, meh. Look at me. I'm the colonel. I'm a w*r hero."

I'll show you a w*r, you old bastard.

What happened to you?!

I loved you, Grandpa!

I loved you!

(shouting)

What are you doing?

Huh?

Nothing. Just, uh, meditating.

Oh.

What happened to your face?

Oatmeal Boobs threw away my makeup.

Do you always look like that?

Shut up. I was up all night dancing the Charleston.

The woman is awful.

Tell me about it. The colonel's ruining my life.

What are you talking about? The guy's a vegetable.

He is a manipulative scumbag, and he needs to be stopped.

(doorbell rings)

Just hear me out, okay? 'Cause I know that...

Oh, thank God you're here. You got to help us.

You left us alone with an abusive lunatic.

What happened to your face?

Spooky, right?

Yeah.

Are you gonna help us or not?

Uh... (exhales)

Guys, Alba and I got a pretty sweet thing going on, so...

Name your price.

Well, you are family.

So I guess I'll have to take that into consideration. Ugh.

I'll come down to $4,200.

Bizarrely specific but fine.

Okay, just get them out of here, 'cause if I have to scrub the colonel's disgusting tattooed carcass one more time, I'm gonna lose my mind.

Guy's got tattoos, huh? That's pretty sweet.

He's got a cross, a dragonfly, some weird poem about the sea...

Hold on a second.

He has a dragonfly tattoo?

Yeah. It's big. It's right on his wrinkly tit.

Right here?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Tippy. Hey, super sorry for the barge-in. I'm Mickey. We spoke...

I know who you are. (blows) You're the sister of that whore who stole my son.

Yeah. That's me. So, listen, I know I told you I needed you to watch the kids, but a couple things fell through on my end, so we won't be needing you anymore.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Hey, you know what?

Grab a car on your way out.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

Well, that's unfortunate.

You leave me no choice but to reveal a scandal so very scandalous that it will shatter the foundation of the Pemberton name.

That's right, Colonel.

You've been a busy boy, haven't you?

A very bad, busy little boy.

Now, we all know the colonel is a man of many passions.

But none burn brighter than that of the female flesh.

Even he was no match for the temptresses who inhabit the tiny island nation of Guatemala!

Guatemala isn't an island.

Would you... I...

I'm doing a thing.

I know. It's just taking forever.

I'm building up to something.

Build faster.

Could you stop interrupting me?

If you just do it...

Yeah, okay!

Thank you!

Okay.

Anyway... there's no denying that the colonel has done a great many things for the landlocked nation of Guatemala.

His legacy will forever be etched in the roads he's paved, the schools he's built, and the faces of his bastard children.

That's right.

The colonel is Alba's father!

Why else would he have a dragonfly tattoo over his heart, if not to honor his precious libélula?

What's the matter, Colonel?

Cat got your tongue?

I believe the, uh, tattoo you're referring to is the B-24 Bomber.

Much like the one he bravely flew over the Pacific.

Yeah. Okay. Well, um...

Thank you for your service.

You're no different from your sister.

You're just a dimwitted gold digger trying to suckle from the mighty Pemberton teat.

Well, so long as I have breath in my body, you will never...

(cr*ck)

(screams)

(crying)

Is she gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Well, she did break both of her hips, you know?

So, no, she's not.

These kids have somebody to watch them tonight?

I mean, yeah, I guess I could stay, you know, if you guys need me.

Yeah, if you're not busy.

Well, I am busy. I'm very busy, Chip.

That's not the question. The question is, you know, do you want me to stay?

You know, I can, if you're desperate.

I mean, I wouldn't say that we're desperate, but... yeah, I guess, technically, we need somebody.

Okay, so if it's a technical issue, then, yeah, Yeah. all right.

Eh, look at that.

Sounds like we all need each other.

Who is he?

I'm Jimmy. I'm the boyfriend.

No, he's not my boyfriend.

Come on, we've been plowing for ten years.

All right, Jimmy, can we...?

Come on, let's not do this right now, okay?

Come here, Ben. Let's get you out of this thing before somebody else gets hurt.

You little m*rder*r.

Where's Alba?

(g*nshots on TV)