01x07 - The Country Club

[bunniefuu]

Is he normally this sweaty?

I don't think it's normal for anyone to be this sweaty.

Hmm.

Ah.

Okay.

First off, I had zero knowledge of what was going on with your parents' finances.

Aren't you their money manager?

I know, right? I mean, it doesn't feel great to be left out.

It didn't help that I found out about the fiasco from the NY Insider column at my therapist's office.

(gasps) What?

Oliver Fishburn did a piece on Mom and Dad?

Who's Oliver Fishburn?

He's only the biggest gossip columnist in New York.

The man feasts on the elite.

If I were you, I would take this opportunity to lay low and cut back on unnecessary expenses.

You know what we should do? We should march straight to the club and confront him.

I mean, he basically uses that place as his office.

That's the opposite of what I just suggested.

Uh, look, if I were you, I would cancel the country club membership until we know the state of your finances.

Don't be a moron, Barry. We're not canceling the country club.

And why didn't anyone tell me we have a country club?

You don't have a country club. We do.

If anything, we should be spending more time there so that everybody can see that the Pembertons are fine.

Yeah, yeah, we're fine.

Not you.

Yeah. If I don't play in the golf tournament this weekend, people are gonna know something's up.

People are gonna notice if a 13-year-old isn't playing golf?

Yeah. It's basically the social hub of Greenwich.

Remember when the Ostrovskys got caught up in that Ponzi scheme?

It's all anybody could talk about.

Former clients who also ignored my advice.

Oh, remember that one time you pooped in the pool and everyone called you Sabrina Pooperton?

Shut up, Chip.

Back up.

Sabrina pooped the pool?

No. When I was nine, I ate some chocolate in the pool and everybody went crazy.

Oh.

People are idiots.

Eh, mom and dad had to pay for the drainage fee.

That's basically admission of guilt.

Yeah.

Guys, I can't make this any clearer: this is a bad idea.

Barry, you've been overruled.

Now, let's talk about the food situation at this club.

Do they do a decent nacho?

I don't mean to offend you...

Then don't.

You don't fit the Pemberton brand.

The Pemberton brand seems to be fugitives and pool poopers.

Hey, pop these by the first tee for me.

Thanks, chief.

What... what are you doing? Chip.

Show some restraint.

I am. Dad usually gives him 50.

Well, maybe consider a new financial role model besides Dad.

What the hell?

I'm not in my usual foursome with Judge Golder.

(gasps) There you are.

Oh, you're with Jerry Berlin.

Oh, the guy from the concrete company?

It's already happening... we're becoming socially radioactive.

(laughs)

Oh, here he comes.

Is that Chippy? How are you?

How you doing, darling?

You ready to go make this course our 18-hole bitch?

I would, and I'd love to, but me and Sabrina have to go to the...

No, we don't.

Have fun.

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on, tiger. Huh? Come on.

All right, let's go, come on.

I said, "Sweetie, sleeping with a woman doesn't make you a lesbian, it means you're bored."

I know. Right?

100%.

Oh, God. I'll call you back.

Hey, Oliver. Sabrina Pemberton.

We met at the Met Gala.

I'm sorry, that night is a blur of bad Pinot and intolerable conversation.

I assume you want to talk about the article?

Oh, that stupid thing? No. Come on. (chuckles)

I just came over here to tell you how big of a fan I am.

Aw, sweet.

Thanks for popping by.

No, I just also wanted to say that, you know, if you ever needed a resource, I'm pretty plugged in around here.

Oh, are you?

I mean, in my eyeline alone...

Dan Gregor flipped his car with a hooker in the front and an eight ball in the glove box.

Hmm.

That's it?

I'm just getting started.

Huh.

Jackie Gilford had her housekeeper deported because she didn't want to fire her.

Oh, and Caroline Martin...

She used all the money from her 9/11 charity fund to fix that face.

(exclaims softly)

And not that it's worthy of an article, but that purebred Goldendoodle she won't shut up about?

(whispers): Rescue.

(laughs)

Yeah. So, you know, as you can see, there are plenty of stories here that are far juicier than my family.

(chuckles) Girl, you are the story.

(chuckles) What?

Prominent family on the brink of collapse with a daughter who's got a mouth like a fire hose?

Wait, I told you that in confidence.

Ah, you didn't say "off the record."

Off the record.

Nah.

Okay. I made it all up.

So...

Oh. So you're a liar, too?

What?

Oh! This keeps getting better and better.

No...

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Look, all I'm saying is that, for a fancy establishment, you do very piss-poor nachos.

Ma'am, we don't do nachos.

You insisted we make them.

Yeah. Well, you tried, and you did a really bad job of it.

So I'm not paying for them.

Well, don't take 'em away.

I'm gonna snack around a little bit.

I will take another mojito.

You seem to have a pretty good handle on those.

Thank you. Ah!

One for my girl, too.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Poodle says that when I'm at the club, I'm supposed to be invisible.

Alba, when you get a chance to party at a place like this, you got to take full advantage.

Oh.

Check out all this stuff that I snagged. All for free.

Oh.

Stole this massaging showerhead. Just unscrewed it, right off the shower. Nice, right?

That's nice.

Yeah.

You get the little soaps?

I really like those little soaps.

You kidding me?

I got a hundred little s...

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, you know what, I was sitting at home, and then I remembered you're not my boss.

Place is amazing, by the way. You're right.

Yeah, well, enjoy it, because it might be our last day.

What are you talking about, last day?

Alba, will you please take Ben to the playroom?

I need to have a chat with Mickey.

Well, if you're gonna use bad words, I already know five.

The B-word you always call Mickey...

Okay, let's go. Come on. You like to play. - Wait, I'm not done, I'm not done. (sighs)

No, no, no, no, no.

Hmm. Was the "B" for "boisterous"?

What's the matter? Little plan didn't work?

Not exactly. I think I poured more gas on the fire.

Oh, hell no. Mm-mm. I got a tennis lesson tomorrow.

Lead me to him. I'll handle this clown.

Okay.

Pem-ba-tone.

Pem-ba-ton.

Pemberton.

Peh-ba-tone.

Pa-ba-tone.

Pemberton.

Pem-ba-ten.

Pemberton.

Both: Pem-ba...

Okay, you know what, screw it, all right? Where's our carts?

Oh, it's the last team of the day. No carts left.

(exhales) Fine. I'll get some waters. We'll be on our way.

Oh, yeah, we ran out of those, too.

Don't you guys see what's happening?

We're getting boxed out!

Aw, relax, kid. Happens all the time.

Not to me, it doesn't. It's a slap in the face.

Fine. All right. We'll see how easy it is for them to box us out once we go out there and win the whole damn tournament! Who's with me?

All: Hai!

Yeah, yeah, I'm revved up.

Yeah!

Let's do this.

Come on.

♪ All right ♪

♪ ♪

(exhales) Oh. Shanked it.

Seriously?

(piano playing)

Can I help you?

No, I don't think so. But I can help you.

My name's Mickey. I'm Sabrina Pemberton's aunt.

Oh, of course. Poodle's sister.

I smell the resemblance. Is that rum?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's rum. Good nose.

Listen, I know you're a busy girl and I'm a busy guy, so I'll just get right down to business.

Boom.

What is this?

That's $168.

And what am I supposed to do with it?

I don't care. Put a down payment on a Chihuahua.

It's a bribe. Take it.

Huh.

(grunts) There. That's better.

Is there a problem?

No. None whatsoever.

Thanks to $168 and your niece, I'm flush with material for the next month.

(chuckles softly)

Okay.

Well, I hope you've got a good memory.

That wasn't mine.

What's that?

That wasn't mine.

Watch that.

Keep your eyes on that.

Walk away.

Concentrate. Eye on the ball.

Deep breath. Nice and easy.

Own it, baby!

G...

Ooh!

Ah. Worm burner.

Damn it!

Easy, buddy.

Stupid...

You okay, tiger?

I'm fine!

You sure?

I'm freaking fine!

Listen, I heard about your folks, all right?

Everybody gets popped sooner or later. They'll get through it.

All right, well, we're not everybody. Our name is getting stomped on!

I thought if we came here and won the tournament, I could've got some of our glory back.

Mm. I get it.

Look, all you got to do is change the conversation.

Okay. So how do I, um... how do I change the conversation?

Hmm. Well, you could tell everybody you tackled a school sh**t.

Okay. That could be nice.

Nah, nah. You know what, an injury is always the safest bet.

You take a line drive to the sternum right now, that's all they'll remember.

Tax fraud who? m*rder what?

My family didn't m*rder anybody.

I'm not asking any questions. I'm thinking about the kid with the hole in his chest.

Fine. Do it.

Good man.

♪ ♪

All right. Now, I want you to cover your teeth and your junk.

Okay.

All right?

Okay.

Cover up.

Here it comes.

All right.

All right. Only take a second.

(groans)

Won't hurt.

Won't hurt. Here comes. Ready?

(muffled shouting)

Oh!

(chuckles)

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Come on.

Let me buy you an Arnie Palmer, all right?

Rest his soul. Come on.

I got it.

We chuck hot sauce in his face.

What's that gonna do?

It's gonna burn him really bad.

Oh, God. You're an idiot.

I'm the idiot?

At least I'm, like, coming up with stuff here, you know?

Oh, God. I really think you should slow down.

You're gonna crap yourself.

That's kind of your department.

(grunts)

Huh?

No.

Are you kidding me?

Think about it. We need something that will overshadow your family's scandal, right?

We can't.

Oh, we can.

And we will.

We're gonna make Oliver poop the pool.

Just like you did.

Um...

Jerry: Ugh. Dead last.

Who would've guessed it?

Literally, anyone.

Yeah, well, that's the thing about golf.

You know... ooh.

Hey, have you guys seen Ben? Yeah.

Yeah, we need his poop.

Wow.

You gonna introduce me to your friend?

(scoffs) Jerry, Mickey. Mickey, Jerry.

How are you, blue eyes? Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my goodness.

That's a woman.

Hey, hey.

If it isn't the all-stars.

What happened out there today, Chip?

Guess your short game fled the country, too, hey, kiddo?

(men laugh)

Oh, yeah?

Well, get this.

While you good old boys were busy chuggin' high balls, Pemberton here sunk a hole in one.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

That's incredible. Hey, guys.

The Pemberton kid here got a hole in one.

(all cheer and clap)

That's my boy, huh? (laughs)

Yeah, I, uh, I can't believe you told them that.

Oh, and I can't believe I was there to see it.

Tell them, Chip. Take it away.

Y-Yeah.

So, I was, um... golfing with this guy and, uh, we were on the grass and I reached for my seven iron and then I switched to a six, 'cause, well, I'm 13.

He's 13!

(laughter)

(chuckles)

You're k*lling them. Go ahead, tell them. - Yeah.

So, I, uh, I inhale some fresh morning air.

Uh-huh.

And-and then I take a nice swing back and I rip it, right?

And I thought I overshot it, I really did, but it turns out I hit it right on the pin and it rolled right in.

(laughs) A round of drinks on Pemberton.

(cheering and laughter)

Wait, wait, wait, what?

It's tradition.

You get a hole in one, buy drinks for the whole club.

(whispering): Hey.

What the hell, Jerry?

I can't afford to pay for the whole damn club.

(sighs) Know what? Screw it.

Drink up, you sons of b*tches, it's on the Pembertons!

(cheering)

Mmm. (slurps)

Mmm.

What do you think, Benito? What should we do next?

You want 'em to wrap us in the detoxifying seaweed or scrub us down with the pineapple enzymes?

(slurps)

I want the pineapple enzyme scrub and the detoxifying seaweed.

Mmm.

You heard him.

Pineapple the son of a bitch.

Oh, and put it on the Pemberton account.

Alba, what are you doing?

Do you have any idea how much this costs?

That a mojito?

Yeah, it is.

That's my girl.

(chuckles) Aunt Mickey, I'm gonna get covered in mud.

No kidding, we were looking to do some mud stuff, too.

Yeah, and I just want to go on record and say this was not my idea.

Right, yeah, yeah, this was totally not her idea. Yeah.

It was, however, based on the story of her life.

(chuckles)

Ben, what do you say?

You want to do our family a solid?

Uh, okay.

But can I go to the bathroom first?

Bingo.

And so finally, the Jew says to the Mormon, "Because it's my bank."

(laughter)

Ooh.

What about our boy, huh?

Oh, he's great. You should've been there.

Yeah, well, they're here now and we're talking and you're interrupting.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

Do you?

Because you're still here, all right?

So, how about you go enjoy your free drink and if we need any fun facts about gravel, we'll hit you up, all right?

(laughter)

(forced chuckle)

All right.

(fake chuckle)

Pardon me, Chip, may I have a word?

Yeah, sure, Alfie.

One second, boys.

So, what is this about?

A photo op with the hole-in-one kid?

Well, it's come to my attention that you may have embellished your story.

♪ ♪

(slurps)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So, we are gonna put Ben's poop (slurring): inside this gossip columnist?

No. And cool it on the drinks while I explain the plan.

(loud, sustained slurp)

Go on.

This is gone.

♪ ♪

Thanks to Sabrina's cunning and charm, we know that Oliver goes to the pool every day after lunch to work on his tan. And once our little songbird finds his perfect perch, we kick off a tanning day from hell.

First, we swap out his tanning oil for cooking grease so he bakes like a human brisket.

Ah.

Then, Alba utilizes her nanny network to ensure some serious stink sours his mood.

I know all the babies.

I know you do.

Mm.

Oh, my God. What are you feeding that thing?

Mickey: Then Ben will delicately distract him.

(grunt) Who the hell did that?

Sorry, mister.

Mickey: While I approach with a not so fresh towel.

No one's unclear on the poop part.

No toys by the pool.

Okay.

Want to play Marco Polo?

Get out of here.

Mickey: And then... the coup de grâce.

The most precise and intricate part of our plan.

(baby crying)

Between the heat, the smell, and the crying, Oliver's left with only one option.

Really?

This now?

Ugh.

Mickey: Get in that pool.

Ben: Oh, my God!

Is that poop?

What?

No! What?

(kids laughing)

No, you're mistaken!

It can't be.

That's not what that is.

Mickey: And just like that, he becomes the pariah he tried to make us, the poop pariah.

Oh, yeah. Let's do that.

Yeah.

Aunt Mickey, I really got to go.

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Let's roll.

Why'd you stop? Mmm.

Can you guys please stop making eye contact with me?

Well, I just don't understand why you're having such a hard time.

I mean, you're normally like one of those Play-Doh presses.

Yeah, hurry it up.

This is getting really weird.

Alba: Don't worry, it's taken care of.

Ah! It's not that, I stole some fudge from the kitchen.

Oh.

See?

It does look the same. All right. Chill out, Pooperton.

No!

(speaking Japanese)

They're lying!

We don't take these accusations lightly.

Fortunately, the last member of your foursome can clear this up.

Jerry: Oh.

Chippy, Chippy, Chippy, Chip, Chip.

My line of work, we have a saying.

Truth is the best foundation.

The most concrete thing we have.

Jerry, please.

To cheat in golf, the purest of all games, why, that could tarnish your reputation.

I don't see how a man could ever recover, not in this country.

Well, you might be able to get a fresh start overseas.

Well, I don't know.

But I don't actually think my Pacific Rim friends here have accused anyone of anything.

They're just confused.

(speaks Japanese) _

Ah.

Hole in one.

Hai.

Hai. Hai. Oh, hai.

Hai!

Jerry: Hai.

I did the Olympic village in Nagano Games '98.

Seems to me, we owe this boy an apology.

Chip, I feel like I owe you...

(Jerry clears throat)

Mr. Pemberton.

Huh?

Mr. Pemberton, Pemberton.

Right. Mr. Pemberton, I hope that you accept our sincerest apology.

Alfie, Alfie. Save it, all right?

These things happen.

Thank you.

If you're a moron!

You slander me?

Me?! And you think you'll get away with it?

I'll have my lawyers all over your ass, and by the time they're done with you, my name will be all over this club, while you're outside mowing the lawn, you animal!

I don't know what to say.

Chip: Say nothing! Shut your pie hole!

You ought to know bet...

Ah, well, you got a scary side, kid.

(soft chuckle)

Thanks.

Why'd you help me out?

Ah.

Kid, my old man was a shoeshine boy for coal miners.

I was born in the dust.

Makes me feel good to be in a position to help out a little prince like yourself.

A Berlin bailing out a Pemberton, how about that?

Well, thank you.

Don't mention it.

Just get me your aunt's phone number, we'll be even, huh?

Done.

And here he comes in three, two...

♪ ♪

And he will be walking through that door in three, two... one. Where is he?

Ugh.

Where is he?

Oh, no.

He's over there.

Mickey: Are you serious?

So much for the master plan.

All right, well, where's Alba? She's got the stuff.

Oh, yeah, there she is.

Alba!

Screw it.

Hey, Fishburn.

(screams)

(kids laughing)

Sabrina, is that... oh.

(laughing): Oh, my God.

Sabrina Pemberton pooped the pool.

What?

(laughter)

Sabrina: Oh! No!

Ah! No!

No! No!

It's chocolate.

Ah!

No! I swear, look!

It's chocolate!

(kids screaming)

No, no, no, no, no, nope.

Please, not again!

Hell no!

Hot sauce!

(screaming)

Mickey: Yeah.

It burns the eyes and the face. See?

My-my eyes!

Hot sau...

I ask you to keep a low profile, cut back on expenses.

And instead you buy drinks for hundreds of people?

It's tradition.

Defecate in a pool?

I did not.

And as*ault a man.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Okay.

Guys, this is a very serious situation.

Close to 30% of your family's assets have been frozen.

Well, hang on. What about the rest?

Well, the rest is fine.

For now.

But your family lost millions of dollars.

Okay, but you are saying that we still have millions left to lose.

Well, I wouldn't put it that way.

Chip: All right, way to go, Barry. We're still rich.

Nice.

I don't think you're hearing me.

We need to make some real adjustments, like that apartment on Ninth Avenue.

It doesn't get much use.

Absolutely not.

Are you kidding me?

Mickey: We have an apartment in the city?

You have nothing!

Well, this is news.