01x08 - The Snitch

[bunniefuu]

Young Men: Stewart! Stewart! Stewart! Stewart! Stewart!

(grunting)

(gasping, groaning)

Didn't feel it.

(gasping, whooping)

Stewart's such a freakin' beast!

Lax season, baby. It's finally here.

Dude, I'm laser-focused.

If I can show Coach what I'm capable of, I got a sh*t at varsity next year.

Oh, for sure. You're, like, the fastest kid in eighth grade.

I'm the fastest kid in the whole school.

Young Man: All right, boys, listen up.

Great training camp.

Squad's looking real strong this year.

Stewart, your chest is bleeding.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

No.

Okay, that's what I'm talking about!

Yeah. (chuckling)

As long as we keep raising banners, we're untouchable!

Lockwood Owls, baby!

(cheering, whooping)

You're the freakin' man, Pierce!

(screeching)

Okay. All right.

Now, as a thank you for a kickass training camp, us seniors have a little present to keep all of you guys, uh, motivated.

Gentlemen...

(outgoing message chime)

...check your phones.

(phones chiming, buzzing)

Damn. She's unbelievable.

That picture comes to us from the legendary Robby Ragosa, who's playing D1 at Virginia, smokin' goals and smokin' girls.

(whooping, chuckling)

Wait, why is there no face on mine?

There's no face on any of 'em, doof.

It's a freakin' sext.

Oh.

Look at that body.

And, oh, that tattoo.

It's like a... it's like a freakin'...

Unicorn.

Mr. Pemberton.

Where-where am I...?

Damn, Alba, how many cars can one person crash?

It was not my fault this time.

You hit a parked car. How is it not your fault?

That guy parked like a maniac.

Alba, other people worked very hard to be able to buy those cars, and now they're mine. Okay?

They're not yours.

They're kind of... They're, like, half-mine.

They're ours. They're our cars.

No. They're ours.

Mickey: They're ours, and I want you to be more careful with our cars.

Alba, just be careful.

Well, I cannot help it. When I am behind the wheel, I am a sl*ve to the power of the machine.

Listen, just clean up your act or else it's back to the minivan, okay?

Well, I mean, don't.

Oh, why you got to put me in a cage?

I have no choice at this point.

Don't go crazy, don't go crazy.

I need you to sign this.

No. What is it?

It's freakin' bullcrap. That's what it is.

The lacrosse team was passing around some pic of some naked chick after practice.

Off to a creepy start.

Then Principal Gibbons just pops out of nowhere and busts me. Now I have to go in front of the honor board and tell 'em who else was involved.

What's an honor board?

Why don't you ask her? She's on it.

(sighs) It's a committee of students and teachers that handle disciplinary matters.

Sounds like a committee of narcs and rats that handle snitching matters.

I'm not a rat, okay? It just looks really good on your college applications.

Uh-oh. Nerd alert, Ben.

(giggles) Yeah. Nerd.

Nerd.

Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I know I got to go in front of the stupid honor board with Larry Flynt here.

This is not a joke.

I am not joking. I don't want to do this.

All right, if I rat out my teammates, they'll destroy me.

And if I don't, Principal Gibbons will just crap all over my future.

Guys, we don't snitch. That's it. End of story.

He's not gonna snitch. He's just gonna tell the truth.

Will you listen to yourself? "Just tell the truth."

Let me tell you a little story about a guy I grew up with who just told the truth.

Brendan Carthas. (growls)W as very good‐looking, but he got pinched with a whole backseat filled with bootleg Poison tapes.

Cops offered him a deal. He took it.

Then he wound up a few days later in the back of a garbage truck, getting crushed until his guts sh*t out of his butt like a tube of toothpaste.

Alba: Oh, no, no, no. Come on, Benito.

We go now. Come on.

No, he should hear this.

(grunts)

No, no, no.

Ben, you snitch, you die!

No!

Sabrina: Oh, God.

Chip, listen to me, don't make this a thing, okay?

No, actually, don't listen to her.

I'll handle this, all right?

And what if you don't?

Then you shut your mouth and you do your time like a man, bitch.

(groans)

(groans)

Wrong with these people?

Alba: Okay, Benito, let's go.

(sighs) Oh, be careful. Crazy drivers.

Excuse me!

Did you not see me waiting?

Well, you waited too long, my friend.

Come on, Benito.

Mmm. (chuckling)

That is very nice. Mmm.

(car alarm wailing)

You tried to trick me, but that is blueberry.

That is blueberry. That's good, that's good.

Mmm.

(alarm continues)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Not the Rolls.

Benito, did you see who did this?

Yep.

Tell me. Who did it, Benito?

No way. I'm never gonna snitch.

I don't want to be butt toothpaste.

Um...

Hello. Can I help you?

Principal Gibbons?

Yes.

Hi there.

I am Mickey. I'm, uh, Chip Pemberton's aunt.

Oh. Well, please don't sit on my car.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, and thank you for denting my hood.

Oh. Pretty sure that was already there when I walked up.

It wasn't. No, that wasn't there, that...

Yeah, it was. No, it was there.

What do you want?

Well, I came to talk to you about Chip.

Yes, well, there was an incident...

He sucks. I get it.

And I'm pretty sure you get it, too.

But is this really a fair position to be putting him in?

How can I explain this to you? The success of our institution is ensconced in our values.

And when these values swing askew, there are protocols in place to right the ship.

Okay. Well, where I'm from, we don't have protocols, 'cause we aren't nerds.

But we do have values, and one of them is you don't snitch.

Look, it's not up to me.

We have an honor board for this very reason.

Yeah, I heard all about your little honor board.

And let me tell you about a guy I knew growing up who was also very honorable.

Brendan Carthas. My God, he was so attractive. This guy was...

Okay. I do not have time for this.

Well, I'm coming back around to the snitching thing.

I have a lunch meeting that I'm late for.

I'm saying he was a hot senior. It took me many years to get him in the sack.

I will see you at Chip's hearing.

Hey, Chip, do you believe in God?

What?

Hey, Chip.

Hey, Sabrina.

(sighs)

Got good news.

What?

Fixed your Gibbons problem.

Really?

Mm‐hmm. All you have to do is tell him who sent you that picture, he's gonna cancel the honor board and save you the public humiliation.

How is this good news?

Then everyone's gonna call me a traitor like you.

Chip, take the deal.

Pierce: Hey, Chip!

Come over here, man.

(whispers): Don't do it.

Later, traitor.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Take a seat, man.

So I heard Gibbons nabbed you yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Uh, don't worry about it. It was worth it.

Uh, the picture was... insane.

Who's that girl?

(chuckles)

Who knows, man? Ragosa's the king, huh?

Yeah, he is. Uh, I was up all night. Was really worked up.

(laughs)

I like this kid, you know? He's insatiable.

We got to get him a nickname, quick.

Beaver Dog.

Yes! Yes.

That is 100% it. What do you think, Beaver Dog? You like it?

Um, yeah. I-I mean, if... if you guys do.

I love it.

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Want to come by The Pit?

The Pit? Really?

Are eighth graders even allowed there?

You'll be with us.

Pierce: Yeah, man. We'll hook you up.

We'll see you there, Beaver Dog.

You da man, B-Diddy.

I am the man.

Pierce: Yo, grab our trays!

Yeah, yeah. On it.

Mmm, would you like some delicious cake, Benito?

Yes, please.

Whoa!

Not so fast. First, tell me who scratched the car.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Mmm.

Delicious.

You must try this. Mmm.

So good. Just say the words, and it can be yours.

Mmm.

But Mickey said...

(slams fork)

Mickey isn't here.

I am!

Me.

Your best friend.

So, what's it gonna be?

Oh, it's like that, huh?

Okay.

That is fine.

I didn't want it to come down like this, but you leave me no other choice.

(both laugh)

Now tell me! Who did it, Benito?

Who did it? Who did it?

(coughing)

(gasping): Wait! Stop!

Benito? Benito, Benito?

I need... my... inhaler.

Oh, no, no, no, okay, okay, okay, Benito, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

(continues gasping)

Shh.

Oh. Here. Here, here, here.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this what you want?

I can't... breathe.

What was that? I-I couldn't hear you.

You-you can't breathe?

Oh, you help me, and I help you.

Talk!

Okay... I'll talk.

Good boy, Benito.

(inhales deeply)

That's right, breathe.

Nice, nice.

Okay.

Tell me everything.

It was a man.

Mm-hmm.

(catching breath): He had hair... and a face... and he drove away... in a car.

(breathing heavily)

That's it?

Can I have cake now?

Yes.

Enjoy your cake.

(heart b*ating)

Chip: Hey, guys?

Pierce?

Anyone here?

Girl: Over here.

Hi, Chip.

I've been waiting for you.

I knew you'd come.

(gasps)

It's juice.

Gross.

Okay.

That... should... do it.

Okay... no.

Cool.

You gave it stripes.

What...

Welcome home.

What the hell did you do to my room?

Oh, I destroyed it.

Why?

Had a little chat with your friend Principal Gibbons.

He says that it's not up to him what happens to Chip.

He says it's up to you.

It is not up to me.

There's an entire honor board that decides.

Well, you better figure something out, because if you don't, I'm gonna have to go public with this.

What the hell is that?

It's a little machine, and you stick it into your computer.

Yeah, I know what it is. What's on it?

Oh, it's your entire hard drive.

And I've got a feeling it's not all that honorable.

(gasps) Oh.

Oh, I was right.

I want you to listen to me right now.

I own you. A...

♪ ♪

Yeah...

You were just gonna snitch on me.

What?! Like hell.

That's called extortion, stupid.

Chip: Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hey, looking good.

Hey, man.

Beaver Dog has arrived.

(groaning)

(laughter)

What's the matter, Chippy?

Pine cone got your nuts?

Ooh, freakin' Geno Pinero! (groans)

Sabrina: Hey, what the hell are you doing here?

Lax guys invited me.

Chip, those guys are just covering their own asses.

They don't even like you.

I don't think they'd call me Beaver Dog if they didn't like me.

What?

Beaver Dog. It's my nickname.

No, it's not.

Uh, yeah it is.

The guys gave it to me.

Chip, as easily as I can save you in this world, I can destroy you.

And that is exactly what I will do if you don't go home right now.

Beaver Dog!

You've got to be kidding me.

'Sup, Sabrina.

You coming to the Brunswick game?

Tool.

Your sister needs a hug, man.

Yeah.

You guys sure it's okay I'm here?

Absolutely. Dude, you're one of us now, okay?

So if anybody messes with you, just, like, let us know, okay?

Okay.

I mean, Geno Pinero just kind of smoked me in the nuts with a pine cone.

Oh, with a dong like that, you'd think he'd be happier.

Yeah.

Don't worry, we'll take care of it, okay?

I'm thinking monkey business?

Done.

What's "monkey business?"

Just step back.

He's got to find it.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

(rap music playing)

Get off me!

Pierce: Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell, man?

Don't hit that monkey. What's the matter with you?

(stammering) I-I didn't hit a monkey.

What is the matter with you?

You didn't hit that monkey just now?

Chip, you see Geno hit that monkey just now?

Uh, yeah Yeah! He saw you hit the monkey, Geno.

And you messed up, because that's Chip's monkey, okay?

Monkey? Are you serious?

Now apologize.

Does it look like I'm playing, Pinero?!

Okay, okay, fine. I'm sorry.

For what?

For hitting the monkey.

Hey, really, it's okay.

Pierce: Whose mo...

No, it's not okay, Chip.

Whose monkey are you sorry for hitting, Pinero?

Geno: Chip's monkey.

Pierce: Say it again!

I'm sorry for hitting Chip's monkey.

I'm sorry for hitting Chip's monkey, just get off of me.

You good, bro?

Yeah, I'm good. Just stop.

You're lucky my boy's got a good heart.

Don't let me catch you b*ating up on monkeys ever again.

Now get out of here.

Lax for life?

Lax for life.

Come on, we have to feed him after this.

He gets very hungry. Come on.

Okay.

Nice work today.

It's been a big day for you, huh?

Sabrina: Hey.

Buckle up, bitch.

I hate you.

Same.

Hey, hey! Shoo!

Get away from my client.

Is that Mom's suit?

Used to be Mom's suit, now it's my suit.

Oh, your breath reeks of booze.

Oh, does it?

You gonna go tell on me, Donnie Brasco?

Get the hell out of here.

(snickers)

Ugh.

Hope you have a plan.

Yeah, I'll pop 'em in or something.

For the hearing!

Oh, yeah. Oh, are you kidding me? Of course I do!

No, I was up all night watching prep school movies in preparation.

I got Scent of a Woman, Dead Poets Society, uh, Deep Blue Sea, School Ties. By the way, It's a good thing you're not a Jew, because that seems to be quite the deal-breaker in this world.

Did you say Deep Blue Sea?T he shark movie?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You seen it recently?

No, no.

Totally holds up.

Hey, you ready?

Yeah.

You ready? You ready for this.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah? You ready? Huh? You ready for this?

Please. Stop.

Huh? Huh?

Okay. Yeah!

You ready for this? All right.

Yeah, just... please?

Let's go stomp on those Jew-hating bastards.

(softly): Okay.

It's this way.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

(sighs)

Ugh.

This is even sicker than I thought.

There is some real evil Illuminati-type vibes in here, right?

The hell are those?

My notes.

Oh, God.

We gather, as so many before us have, in the quest for truth.

Yes, thank you.

No, that's... that's not... how it works, just... sit down, please.

As I was saying, we are here in search of the truth.

Now, is there a board member who feels compelled to begin...

Yes, there is. Thank you so much, Principal Gibbons.

Chip, would you categorize yourself as popular?

I'm on the lacrosse team, so, I'm popular.

(team cheering)

I like that.

A lot to like.

Nope, nope, nope.

Yes.

The lacrosse team, and proud we are of all they do for our school.

Typically, there isn't much interaction between middle school and varsity players, though that isn't true in your case, is it?

I-I guess not.

Hmm. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Probably something to do with... my speed.

Mm‐hmm.

Sabrina: Your speed.

Yes, I'm sure they're all enamored with your speed.

He is very fast.

Oh, please don't.

I know because I raced him once.

All right.

I‐I did win, but that's... because I'm also very fast.

Sabrina: Chip... who sent you the photo?

Chip: Uh...

I don't know.

Nobody.

So, it was yours then?

Well, no, it wasn't mine.

Huh. So, it must've appeared out of thin air.

Obviously, it didn't appear...

Sabrina: Chip, it's come to my attention that you were recently given a nickname.

Would you please share said nickname with the board?

(whispering): Beaver Dog.

Couldn't quite catch that, Chip.

Beaver Dog.

What?

Stewart: Yeah! Beaver Dog!

Okay, this is ridiculous.

Oh, sit down.

No, I'm done sitting down!

I've been around, you know.

There was a time I could see and I have seen.

Brendan Carthas.

You want to ask him about snitching?

Oopsie, too bad. You can't. Do you want to know why?

'Cause he's dead.

Okay, can we please get to the point?

Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.

Now, I don't know if Chip's silence is right or wrong, but this is bigger than us.

This is about two words... Mon-ey. Wall Street.

That Indian guy outside the bodega, pocketing ten bucks to get you a p*rn mag, he's gone.

He's long gone, and he's left us to spin inside this sticky web of technology and swiping.

Hey, don't swipe me, man.

What in God's name are you talking...

You think they wanted the sharks to get smarter?

It just happened... and they all got eaten because of it.

Are we gonna eat this boy?

Do you all want to eat this boy because someone gave him something?

I can do the math. One, two, three, not it.

Uh... and Chip didn't ask to be it.

Did you ask to be it?

Nah.

You hear that?

"Nah."

And now you want him to sell out his unquenchable sexual appetite and his integrity?

I got news for you, friends.

Neither one are for sale.

This young man chooses honor.

He chooses life.

He chooses lust.

We are but food for worms, gentlemen.

Worms.

Gibbons: I think it's best we take a short recess, so we can all process what has been said here today.

It's a lot. I, myself, am confused.

(whispering): You're welcome.

Ugh, get away from me!

What's wrong with you?

It's you!

What-What's me?

You're the girl.

The picture from Robby Ragosa. I-lt's you.

No, but you were...

(vomiting)

You...

(groans)

(gags) No, no, no!

Gibbons: As soon as everyone is seated we can begin the hearings again.

No, we can't!

Hey!

It was Pierce and Stewart!

Sabrina: Expel them both!

Chip: They did it!

Not me!

Gone!

It was Stewart.

No, no, it was Pierce.

Sabrina: I want them out of here!

Screw you, dude.

Sabrina: Get them!

I didn't do it!

(all shouting, arguing)

Leave!

(people shouting)

Now, you remember what I told you, Benito?

That minivans are for soccer moms and pedophiles.

No, the other thing.

That I can never tell anyone about this.

That's right.

I'm not a snitch.

I know... but I'm gonna need you to prove it.

Torch that son of a bitch.

Okay.

Okay. (speaks Spanish)

Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Good.

Good boy.

Whoa. Okay.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

You know, Benito, if anyone ever messes with you, like a teacher or a coach, then you can snitch, okay?

Okay.

Good boy.

(sighs) I like fire.

I know you do, Benito.

I know you do.

What'd everybody do today?

Nothing.

Yeah. Very boring day.

Yeah.

Hey.

How'd your first game on varsity go?

How do you think it went?

Thanks to me, we had all our best players expelled.

Real weird energy in here today, huh?