01x01 - And How They Met

[bunniefuu]

Pick up! Tables 12, 4, 11.

Got it.

Hey, when you get a second, stop looking at my boobs.

Excuse me.

Waitress? [Snaps]

Dude? [Snaps]

Hi, what can I get ya?

We need some...

[Snaps]

Is that annoying?

[Snaps]

Is that obnoxious and rude?

[Snaps]

Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working?

Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry.

Damn, dude, she b*rned you.

Oh. [Snaps]

No, hipster.

Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common.

I wear knit hats when it's cold out.

You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay.

You have tattoos to piss off your dad.

My dad doesn't know he's my dad.

You think... [Snaps]

This is the sound that gets you service.

I think... [Snaps]

This is the sound that dries up my vag*na.

The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one.

We need horseradish.

Please.

That, ladies, is how you treat a waitress.

Paulina!

Oh, so... so good, oh...

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were on break.

I just need some horseradish.

Here.

Oh, cool.

Excuse me, where's my waitress?

[Screams from back room]

[Laughing]

She's coming.

[Upbeat indie rock]

Earl.

Earl!

I made your favorite, red velvet.

My little cupcake brought me a cupcake.

Let me pay you for that.

Oh, no, no. It's on the house.

It's your birthday.

How old are you gonna be?

75.

Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger.

Max, Max, big news.

The new boss fired that Russian waitress, Paulina.

Turns out Chesty Kournikova was Vladimir puttin' it out.

Hello today. I have paycheck for you.

I need to talk to you. You fired Paulina, Han?

I am no longer Han Lee.

I have new American name to go with changing neighborhood.

To go with the changing neighborhood.

You need to remember this for your immigration exam.

Correct. To go with the changing neighborhood.

[Clears throat]

Bryce? Your name is Bryce Lee?

Wait, wait, um, um, um...

Don't hire a new waitress, okay?

I've been doing all the work anyway, and I really could use the extra money.

You need help.

No, I don't.

Everyone need help sometimes.

I don't. I've been waiting my whole life, okay?

I've waited on tables, I've waited in bars, I've waited on home pregnancy tests.

I already hire new waitress.

She work in all top restaurants in Manhattan.

I gave her Paulina's uniform.

Hi.

Mr. Lee, not to complain, but I think someone wore this uniform before me, like right before me.

Is it possible that I could get another one?

Maybe one that's a little less moist.

Also this mustard color doesn't really go with my skin tone, neither do the mustard stains...

And these various other stains, and smells. I hope that's clam chowder.

So...

I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing, and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.

[Laughs]

So thank you, and let's waitress.

Whatever that is, it does not belong in this diner.

It belongs in a show on Bravo.

But she blonde, hair so shiny, good for business.

Where do you even find these people?

The Russian hooker, the one before that was a meth addict.

You train her, I am boss.

Da boss.

Oh.

Fine, but make her wear the uniform.

[Sighs]

Are you sure we can't get the meth addict back?

She was really good at cleaning.

But her teeth fall out.

You are really judgmental, you know that?

I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention.

I'm Caroline, by the way. And you're Max?

Don't get attached.

This is the Williamsburg diner, owned by Han Lee, who just changed his name to Bryce Lee, because I guess he wants people to take him even less seriously.

Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob.

Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and cr*ck whores, but then he took it over and ruined it.

Hey, sexy woman.

You look so pretty today.

You look so beautiful, I forgot how bad your personality is.

Thanks, Oleg.

Hey, Barbie.

He will hit on you aggressively and relentlessly.

He doesn't realize he looks like that, and I don't have the heart to tell him.

Could we have some menus?

Oh, sure.

Don't smile.

'Cause it raises the bar, and then I have to smile, and I can't be doing that.

It's exhausting and I have a bad back.

That's Earl, we're in love.

Do not talk to him, unless you want to feel whiter than you already are.

Oh, and that stain?

Not clam chowder.

Go marry the ketchups.

Marry the ketchups. I'm on it.

Okay. Now divorce the ketchups.

Stop. Just stop.

There's no such thing as divorcing the ketchups.

You've never waitressed a day in your life.

Yes, I have.

You expect me to believe you after watching that whole Temple Grandin routine?

I'm telling Lee.

Okay, okay, I may have enhanced my resume.

Enhanced? What, are we in Paris?

Please, I really need this job, okay?

We lost all of our money.

My trust fund was taken for legal fees.

My dad is in jail.

What? What are you, Martin Channing's daughter?

[Gasps] Where's the paper?

Martin Channing?

The guy who ripped off the entire city is your father.

He told us we were having a good year.

You're Caroline Channing.

You're like a billionaire.

Was. Was a billionaire.

They froze all our assets, everything's gone.

I only have what I could grab, and I grabbed all the wrong things.

So do you know the president?

I've met him.

He's hot.

He's the president.

Have you been to Switzerland?

Yes.

Do you have a horse?

Yes.

Do you know Paris Hilton?

No, she's a hundred.

Excuse me, uh, two hot chocolate, please.

Comin' up.

It... let me do that, please.

I'm a really fast learner.

I went to Wharton business school.

I got 2,300 on my SAT's Can you make a hot chocolate, or not?

Nailed it.

We split the tips. Give me yours.

You did better than I thought you would.

Listen, tonight I thought of a way we could make some extra money.

They've totally underestimated the price point on those red velvet cupcakes.

In Manhattan the asking price is at least seven, so we could sell them for seven, and then pocket the difference.

Nothing about that sounds wrong to you?

It's not our fault that the idiot who makes the cupcakes doesn't know their worth.

I'm the idiot who makes the cupcakes.

New information.

That's stupid.

No one would pay $7 for one of my cupcakes.

Really? 'Cause...

Well, at least we know you're not adopted.

So how'd you even end up in Brooklyn?

Oh, I went on monster.com.

Typed in "place where nobody from the Upper East Side would ever go, ever," and this diner came up.

You can't wear a fancy leather jacket outside in this neighborhood.

You have to turn it inside out.

Oh.

Fur. Cool. Turn it back.

[Sighs]

So where do you live?

Our townhouse was taken and bolted up by the bank, so...

Is this where I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

I mean, I don't want you to, but just so you know, a well-adjusted person would.

I'm dead inside.

You make that pretty obvious.

Anyway, I'm just gonna stay in the city with a friend.

I live a couple of blocks that way.

I'd walk you to the subway, it's just that I don't want to.

Okay.

Okay.

[Indie rock]

♪ ♪

Why is the music so loud?

All: Whoa!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I'm sorry.

It's cool. So what are you doin'?

The band's practicing.

But you're not playing any instruments.

Yeah, that's how we practice.

We, like, listen to other good music and play it in our head.

It's like The Secret.

Well, I have a secret for you guys.

Get out!

Whoa!

Uh, you guys better go.

All: We should go.

Sorry, guys, I still have to make the cupcakes.

Cupcakes? For why? You can just buy 'em at the store.

[Tambourine shake]

You can do that in the morning, babe, come to bed.

No, I can't. I have to be in the city by 10:00.

Fine. You can have three minutes.

Fine, you can have eight, one for each ab.

Boom!

[Over intercom] Stand clear of the closing doors.

[Smooch]

Well, I can cross that off my bucket list.

Hey.

I have a taser!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

[Gasps] I am so sorry.

I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink.

It didn't feel pink.

I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being r*ped.

That's not what r*pe feels like.

Did you... did you sleep on the subway?

I had nowhere else to go, and I'm too afraid to sleep outside on the street.

[Chuckles] God, you're spoiled.

[Over intercom] Next stop, Greenpoint.

Ugh! Get your stuff. Come on, I'll take you to my place, but hurry.

[Gasps]

'Cause I have to be in the city in 30 minutes.

Call me.

Oh, my God, you've been robbed!

This is how it always looks.

Oh, my God, totally cute!

All right, I'll be back at 4:00, and we can go to work together. Bathroom, bedroom, boyfriend sleeps till 4:00, yard.

Oh, you have a yard.

Looks like a really nice place to relax and do cr*ck.

It is.

I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for my other job in the city.

You have two jobs?

Yes, I babysit for a Manhattan socialite diva.

Now I have a set.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, thank God you're here, there is a bridge and tunnel smell over by the babies that's stressing me out.

Their diapers probably need to be changed.

Again? I swear, the morning nanny just did that.

Motherhood is for reals.

Max, remind me, what's my Twitter password?

Twitter password.

Yes!

Hi, Brad. Hi, Angelina.

Max, I need to tell you something because we're family.

Now get me room temperature water and come over here.

We are victims of the Channing Ponzi scheme.

Me, David, and Brangelina.

How much money did you lose?

Hold my hands.

Nothing.

But it really scared me.

Open that?

So do you know Caroline Channing?

No, but she lost everything.

She has no money.

Can you imagine having no money?

I mean, you wouldn't even have any money.

You should twit that.

And no one will even talk to her.

I heard she went to six different friends' houses for a place to stay, and they all had to pretend they weren't home.

That's not cool.

Yeah.

That's really sad.

So sad.

Breaks my heart.

I guess motherhood has really opened me up emotionally.

Max, I need to hold one of the babies, bring me one.

[Quietly babbles]

No, the other one. That's not the good one.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Oh, I'm so sorry if I woke you up.

[Chuckles] Who are you?

I'm Max's friend. Uh, don't tell her I said that.

I have a feeling if she heard me call her my friend, she'd s*ab me.

[Laughs]

What are you doin' over there?

Just washing my uniform, trying to make it a little more cute and a little less crusty.

Oh, watch out!

Oh! Sorry, oh, my...

Do you have a towel or a rag?

No, I... I got it.

Oh, okay.

I'm Robbie.

I'm uncomfortable.

You're getting me wet.

That's the point.

You're Max's boyfriend.

It's cool.

No, it's not. Back up, Jersey shore.

You're pathetic, and that's coming from someone who's homeless and wearing white after labor day.

And I've seen better.

No, you haven't.

Hey. Why didn't you wait for me?

I thought we were coming over together.

Oh. Um, I wanted to get here early to marry the ketchups.

Listen, I heard something really upsetting about you today.

What did he say, that I came on to him?

Him who?

Nothing.

Him, Robbie?

It's none of my business, but you deserve better than that guy.

[Sighs] Yeah, it is none of your business.

Ooh, I was just starting to feel sorry for you.

I'm just saying, you're worth more than that.

What, I'm supposed to believe you about this?

The person who lied on their resume, and lied about the cupcakes... you're a liar.

I'm just trying to help.

You know what?

Since you seem to know so much about everything, why don't you take your Wharton degree, and your ridiculous coat, and figure this all out yourself.

Max.

Max, wait.

Oh, look, the arcade fire concert just let out across the street, good luck with that.

She's coming back, right?

She's not gonna leave me here alone with a restaurant full of people?

Let me put it to you this way.

You might as well be a night maid at the Schwarzenegger house.

You got screwed.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

[Tambourine hits] That feels so good.

Now put your tambourine around it.

[Tambourine shakes]

[Sighs]

Hi, honey, I'm home.

[Thump]

I want you gone by the time I get back.

Babe! Babe, I can explain.

You weren't supposed to be home.

People say I deserve better than you.

Who?

That blonde girl? She doesn't know what she's talkin' about.

She went to Wharton and Switzerland.

Yo, yo. Look at that.

That girl is workin' harder than Stephen Hawking tryin' to put in a pair of cufflinks.

Here, let me help you with that.

I don't need any help.

Everyone needs help sometimes.

This isn't what I ordered.

This is Caroline.

She may have gotten your order wrong, but she does get some things right.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

What'd you see in that guy, anyway?

He had these muscle thingies.

Oh, those things?

Yeah.

I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid.

Max!

I thought your tight ass wasn't coming in tonight, and my heart broke in half.

You know what, Oleg?

I needed that.

So, um...

I need a roommate, if you want to crash.

Hmm.

Not gonna lie, the subway's cleaner than your couch.

[Laughs] Wow.

I just felt myself starting to like you.

Really? Because I really feel like we could...

[giggles] I knew that wouldn't last.

Come on.

Tomorrow we can go into the city and get the rest of your stuff.

Everything's locked up.

What, you have nothing that you care about that we can get?

Well, there is one thing.

The weirdest thing is that nobody stopped us.

I'm gonna save a fortune, keeping him here instead of in the stables.

When did you put this whole horse-in-my-yard thing together?

I can't help it.

I see an opportunity, and I make it happen, like with your cupcakes.

Like what with my cupcakes?

Ready? To open a bake shop, all we need is 250 grand start-up money, for the real estate, and the basic equipment...

Yeah. Oh.

250 grand, that's all?

Yeah.

Did freakin' Chestnut here kick you in the head while I was in Starbucks?

Hear me out.

If we both worked two jobs and made $2,000 a week, we could open a cupcake business in a little over a year.

In the past two days, we've made $387, and that's a good start.

We can make extra money at other jobs, like publicists, advertising executives...

Janitors, drug mules.

We really need to work on your self-esteem.

So...

You, cupcakes, me, business background, us, success. What do you think?

I think you have a horse.

I think we have a horse.

[Whinnies]

Don't get attached.