01x06 - And the Disappearing Bed

[bunniefuu]

Here you go, Earl.

Table 12 throwing down a credit card on a patty melt.

They really need those eight airline miles?

Where they going... New Jersey?

Credit cards are the downfall of America.

Well, credit cards and Kim Kardashian.

I like her big ass as much as the next man, but don't go give the damn butt a franchise.

Max, I can take a lot.

Please keep your sex life to yourself.

I handled it when I lost my fortune, and I handled it when I lost my fortune.

You said that twice.

Because I think it bears repeating.

But this is too much.

That couple that just left... a $50 check, a $1.47 tip.

47 cents?

Uh, I wasn't even aware they were still making pennies.

I smiled and bent over backwards, giving them service... all for $1.47?

This makes me the lowest-paid hooker in New York.

All right, give me that check. I'll handle this.

Hey!

Was something wrong with the service my girl over here gave you?

No. Tipping's an option.

So is me spitting in your food.

You might want to remember that the next time you leave a waitress pennies.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

This was our first and last date.

Sorry, dude.

Looks like this little tip just lost you the chance to give her your little tip.

[Grunts]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Max, come in, sit down.

There's something we have to talk about.

This can't be about my drinking.

I never sit in that chair.

Well, today we're doing things differently... breaking our pattern.

Hold up.

Did you join scientology?

And I went to Starbucks and got you a coffee and a vanilla bear claw.

A Bear Claw? Awesome! I'll sit anywhere you want.

My life is not where I want it to be.

That $1.47 tip was a wake-up call reminding me that life will always undervalue you if you let it.

Yes, I've been knocked down, but now it's time to fight back and grab life by the balls.

I don't know if life likes having its balls grabbed.

Some guys do, but those are usually the ones who want you to spoon them.

I'd like to explain my vision for our future by walking you through...

My vision board.

Oh, no.

It's a simple tool.

You're a simple tool.

You start with a thin, white board...

Your thin, white, and I'm bored.

Keep going. I can do this all day.

I have a Bear Claw in me.

I've been making vision boards for years, and I always achieve my goals.

And you think it's that crazy little board and not your father's billions?

Max, it works.

You put up pictures and inspirational words of things you want in your life.

See? I have success, a cupcake business, and a picture of a beautiful new bed.

Ah, the ones at the Asylum look different than that, so don't get attached.

Sleeping on that couch is holding me back.

I never get a restful night's sleep, and I need a good nine hours.

What you need is a good nine inches.

That should be on your vision board.

It is... on the back.

Nice.

Now, unless you're willing to switch the bedroom every other week...

No, that sounds mormon.

Then I want to install a murphy bed in here.

The bed folds up against the wall during the day, so you'd still maintain your signature Williamsburg "I don't care about anything chic or nice" decor.

Who's going to build it? 'Cause it's not me.

I'm already being taken advantage of at my babysitting job.

Peach has me lugging things back and forth to help with the twins' first birthday party.

I've been sorting through clown resumes for a week.

Peach is throwing a birthday party?

Did you ask her if we can cater the desserts?

She hires fancy people with real companies.

We're not a real business.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

You mock the vision board, but look... here it is, our cupcake shop.

I don't think we can both fit in there.

Max, you have to start imagining what our life can be.

You deserve a cupcake shop, and I deserve a new bed.

All you have to do is dream it.

No, all you have to do is do it.

And for you to build a Murphy bed, it'll take a miracle.

So unless you have Jesus or Jesus on that board...

Not going to happen.

[Banging on door]

Who is it?

It's Jesus...

From Williamsburg hardware.

We got your do-it-yourself Murphy bed.

See how I made that happen?

Vision.

So which one of them has the nine inches?

Guess what I did today?

Jesus?

What do you think?

I think the bed still isn't built.

No, but it's almost finished.

[Clears throat] Look...

Notice anything different about me?

I have answer.

You had boob job.

Your "b"s have turned into "c"s, and for that, I give you an "a."

No, I had my uniform altered.

Yes, life dealt me a bad uniform, but with a little vision, I can shape it the way it works best for me.

That should be a tip in your inspirational book, which I'm guessing is called cutting pictures out of magazines isn't just for serial K*llers anymore.

And this is exciting... look.

The other really important thing I did today... made us business cards.

Now you can give one to Peach and throw our hat into the party ring.

You're her babysitter. You already have a connection.

Yeah, a connection to her babies' asses.

See? That's your limited vision.

Plus, Peach is interviewing this gay guy who used to work for Martha Stewart.

I mean, gay, Martha Stewart... we can't top that.

Just give her the cards. We have to start somewhere.

See? "Max's homemade cupcakes."

And look... "Max Black, owner/baker."

"Owner/baker"?

That's pretty cool.

See? There it is.

It's real.

But the name sucks a big one.

"Homemade"... it sounds like homeschooled, like we're churning out cupcakes that aren't comfortable around other people.

Or it sounds delicious.

And the cupcake on the card has a cherry on it.

My cupcakes don't have a cherry... haven't since I was 13.

If you could really get under his shoulder blades... that's where he carries all his stress.

Don't say your real thoughts.

Don't say your real thoughts.

Max, we're using our spa voice today.

Use my spa voice? Okay.

I can't afford this.

I want you to make sure the twins drink lots of water after, you know, to flush out the toxins.

Toxins?

All they drink is breast milk.

I can't be sure what the woman I buy that from puts in her body.

We're all so tense about the birthday party.

If everything isn't perfect, how will they live with the shame?

Um, Peach, um...

[Clears throat] Speaking of the... the party, uh, I-I started this, um, thing, and it's probably dumb, but... [Mumbling]

I don't need it. Like, I'm fine.

I don't need it. It's just more like... like a... like a... [Titters] Favor.

Um, but, uh, the thing is, there's the cards, so I was thinking may... "maybly"...

"maybly"? What's that? It's not a word, right?

I was not saying a word.

I'm sorry.

I'm done with whatever this is that you're doing.

I have to go meet the Martha Stewart queen and hear his party pitch.

Just remember, at 3:00, the twins have their spray tans.

Well, that's exactly how I envisioned that.

Let me see what you're drawing, Johnny.

A rat with a civil w*r hat.

Is that your comment on how politicians view soldiers?

No, it's an actual rat I saw wearing a hat.

See, when you tend bar till 4:00 a.m., you see a lot of weird stuff.

And when you waitress till 2:00, you see a loser drawing a rat on a napkin.

Now sign it, please.

Hmm.

You realize my art won't be worth anything till I'm dead?

Why do you think I keep inviting you here to eat week after week?

[Cackling]

Question... how does it feel to be the owner of an original piece of napkin art worth roughly...

Less than the worth of the napkin?

Well, I got to get back to work.

All right, bye.

Pick up... table ten.

I watch you over there.

Much sexual tension with deadbeat bartender.

He's not just a bartender. He's a street artist.

And all I did was bite a piece of celery.

When I think of all the times I asked you to bite my celery...

And nothing.

Okay, my side work's done, and my tables are all caught up.

So, tell me, did you give Peach the card?

No, I didn't.

Why?

It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.

That's crazy.

What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "good afternoon, Peach."

"Exciting news... I started a cupcake business."

"Here's our card."

"Please pass them out to all your friends, and help us launch our exciting new business venture."

"Thank you."

That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show.

"Somebody date-r*ped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."

There is nothing needy about having a quality product and wanting it out there.

Look at Earl... he has a CD on display.

Yeah, but he's cool about it.

He doesn't get all late-night infomercial and shove them down people's throats.

Earl?

How many CDs have you sold at the diner?

Well, in this current economy...

It's been pretty light.

May I?

Mm-hmm.

Hi.

You guys look like music lovers.

This is the best saxophone CD you will ever hear... recorded by our cashier Earl Samson.

He's played with all the greats...

Coltrane, Hancock, even Bacharach.

His music career derailed due to a heroin addiction, but now he's clean and sober and, at 83, still following his dream.

Only $9.95 a copy. Who'd like one?

Thank you!

Earl, four CDs.

Is any of that true?

Nope. She even made up my damn last name.

That girl can sell.

Oh! Max...

Will you come look at Brangelina?

I think the spray-tan lady went a little too far.

I wanted them to look tan, not foreign.

A little lebanese, but that'll clear up in a day or two.

I'm having the worst day.

Jessica Seinfeld stole the Martha Stewart boy.

I am so upset with her.

I thought we were pretending to be friends.

And now I have no one to do the desserts.

[Monotone voice]

Hello, Peach, exciting news...

I have a cupcake business. They're really good.

Give these to your friends and help launch a new business or whatever.

That's it. I did it. Boom!

Okay, the bed still isn't built.

But the mattress came, and it's so good.

Oh, no... this is not okay.

We're not keeping a mattress on the floor.

We're poor, not crackheads.

And you tricked me.

I did my part, so you better get this bed done.

Max, you gave Peach the cards.

I'm so proud of you. What did she say?

No. Shut it. Do it.

Relax. The bed will be assembled and hidden in the wall by the end of the day, 'cause I decided to do what cute girls have been doing for centuries.

I asked a guy for help.

You called a guy?

Oh, is he going to climb up your long blonde hair and rescue you from your murphy-bed tower?

Wait. You don't know any guys.

Who did you invite?

Johnny.

No. No, no, no, no.

Eh, I don't want to see Johnny.

I had a weird thing with him at the diner last night.

I thought you guys were friends.

I don't know what we are.

He was fake interviewing me with a celery stalk...

'Cause you're both grown-ups.

And when he put it near my mouth, I thought he wanted me to bite it, so I...

You bit it?

I bit it!

That is weird and humiliating and hot.

Yes, yes, and, yes. Call him right now!

He can't come over here. Look around!

I have his napkins hanging up everywhere.

He'll think I'm dexter.

[Intercom buzzes]

Don't answer that.

Don't you...

Come on in, Johnny.

Yes, I did it. I need a bed.

You are so selfish!

Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter.

So, quick... help me take down the napkins.

Oh, god, there are so many!

How come I never noticed how many there were before?

I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money.

Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?

You're right. We'll trash you later.

Why don't you just ask him what the celery moment meant?

I don't want to ask him.

You don't want to ask anybody anything.

It's not like the business cards.

What am I going to say?

"Good afternoon, Johnny."

"Exciting news... I have started an oddly sexual celery-biting business."

[Knock on door]

Be right there, Johnny!

Yo.

So I brought tools... per your request... and beer, I made an executive decision on.

So that's what you do with my art.

Just one, and I put it up there.

She doesn't even like it... she's like, "why would anyone hang up stupid napkin art?"

Right off my back.

Had a couple of these on the subway.

So here's the wood.

You can't help her... she needs to learn a lesson about doing things for herself.

She thinks we're her daddy, and we'll go back on our word, and she'll get a pony.

[Horse neighs]

Well, you can see why she'd think that.

I'm going to see if the horse wants a beer.

Hmm, maybe put my glasses on him... get crazy up in this piece!

When you're out there, ask him what the celery meant.

Get busy, princess. Daddy's got company.

Well, little lady, I reckon a cowboy'd get used to a pretty sweet setup like this.

It's a hard life out on the trails.

Yeah, it's hard for my people, too, since you stole all our land and gave us blankets covered in smallpox.

I do declare, I'm sorry for the disease blankets.

But they did keep you warm, I bet, until they k*lled you, that is.

"I do declare" is not cowboy.

That's Southern Belle.

I think you're looking for "darn tootin'" or "dag nab it."

Cowboys did not say "dag nab it."

Yeah, they did.

"Someone done gone stole my horse, dag nab it."

I think you're thinking "doggone it."

No, "dag nab it"... cowboy.

Do you really think you know cowboy better than me?

Which one of us has a horse?

Which one of us has assless chaps?

Should I go inside and help Caroline?

No. I'm sure she's doing just fine.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

When you put the sss... we should get on the horse!

Okay.

Yeah!

[Both chuckle]

[On computer] Use three-inch lag screw to secure ledger board to wall studs "aboot" every 12 inches.

Ooh! Your canadian voice is so dull, I can't understand a word you're saying.

There's got to be a video with a better voice.

"How to build a Murphy bed... Morgan Freeman."

Interesting bit of information about horses... they hurt your balls.

Yeah, mine hurt, too.

You would think after all these years of riding a horse, man would have evolved to have his balls on top instead of underneath.

Life would be so much easier.

Well, yeah, but I don't see a lot of old-timey ladies wanting to get with the top balls.

Are you thinking about the celery?

No, I'm still thinking about my balls.

Now I'm thinking about the celery.

That was weird, right?

Not weird, really... more, um, intense.

Intense good or intense bad?

Intense intense.

Whoo.

Whoa. Oh. Did I just grab your... yeah, I don't know. "Maybly."

"Maybly"! That's not a word, right?

I should...

I got to get down.

Me too.

Both: My balls.

[On computer] So take your makeup brush, take your mirror, and you want to comb your eyebrows upwards.

What are you doing?

Okay, okay.

I thought I typed in "Morgan Freeman."

But I'm so tired, what came up was "more gay men"" but this damon guy is a genius.

If he had a video on how to build a Murphy bed, it'd already be done.

Wait. Where's Johnny?

What happened? Did you ask him?

No, he left.

Out the back?

Yeah, it got even weirder.

He grabbed my boob.

Or... he didn't grab my... he grabbed my boob.

I just don't know whether it was on purpose.

But I asked, like you told me to, and now I have a weird boob moment to go with my weird celery moment.

That is very complicated.

But I'm great with relationship stuff.

So come on over here, and we'll hammer it all out while we hammer this all out.

Come on, this is where you break down and finally help me build the bed.

No, this is where I go to my already-built bed.

And after Peaches today and...

Whatever that was out there with my boob, I'm not showing anyone my cards anymore... business or personal.

[Grunting] Go in!

Go in! Oh!

What is happening out here?

That's the kind of pounding that's supposed to happen after you're in the bed.

I can't do it.

I tried. I really did, but I can't.

I guess I can't do anything without my father's money.

You were right.

Trying is embarrassing.

So I'm not going to try anymore.

I'm sick of it.

[Whining] I'm going to sleep on that horrible couch and get bad tips and cry every waitress day for the rest of my life.

Daddy, please.

God, you're a baby.

Okay, I'll help you... this one time only.

And we're not going to bond when we do it.

We're not going to high-five when we finish.

And I don't want to hear two months from now, "hey, remember that night we built the Murphy bed?

That was awesome." None of that. Got it?

We need the power drill, 1/4-inch bit, some masonry screws, and a Bear Claw.

Now delete "eyebrows," type in "Murphy bed," and let's build this mother.

I can't believe we did it.

Yeah, it looks pretty good.

Oh, Max.

You put the bakery up on your vision beam.

Say anything more, and I'll take it down.

[Cell phone rings]

Do you know this number?

That's Peach.

Why would she call you?

It's about the cupcake business... my number's on the card.

Put it on speaker.

Hello?

I found your card in my baby's room.

I have no idea who you are or how it got there, but I'm throwing a birthday party in a week, and I thought cupcakes might be fun.

Oh, they are.

People love cupcakes.

They bring a sense of whimsy and nostalgia.

That's enough.

Why don't you tell me some of the other events you've done?

Oh, well, we're a start-up company.

Oh, no, I need a real business.

Bye-bye.

Well, there you go... complete waste of our time.

See? Trying is embarrassing.

No. That was great, incredible.

What? She hung up on you.

Yes. But it proves one thing.

The cards... they worked!

This is so inspiring.

First we build a Murphy bed, next a cupcake business, then, Max...

Who knows what else? [Smooches]

[Bed slams]

Uh, adjust the springs?

No, that's perfect.

[Cash register bell dings]