01x13 - And the Secret Ingredient

[bunniefuu]

One steak sandwich and a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.

We're out of muenster.

Oh, since when?

Well, let's see, the diner opened in '82.

So '82.

Hi, sorry but we're out of muenster.

Seriously, dude?

I wanted muenster.

Sorry, we have cheddar, Swiss or American.

I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.

Well...Then American?

American cheese?

What am I, at grade school?

Yeah, go to the principal's office.

I can't have another idiot up my ass right now.

It's at capacity.

Max, I got this.

Would you like to see the menu again?

This is crap, okay, I wanted muenster.

Well, I wanted to be running a fortune 500 company instead of waiting on a toxic man-child like yourself.

But, we can't always get what we want.

So, order something else, put it in your pie hole and get on with your damn life.

Welcome to waitress.

We've been expecting you.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell rings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Here you go, table ten, Earl.

Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?

Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.

How about you?

I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.

He was adopted by a rich white lady who could give him everything we couldn't afford to.

Which is everything.

White people will adopt anything.

I figured out the best way to go see Chestnut.

We take the J train to the 4, and walk three blocks to his fancy new stable.

Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel sh*t?

No, but there's a dicey underpass at Grand Central where we might get sh*t.

I am so excited to see my baby again.

Me too.

In the Lifetime movie version, we get there and Chestnut likes his new home better and then we cry.

Excuse me, Hi.

Sorry to bother you.

I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.

I just got my period.

Mazel tov.

Do either of you have a tampon?

Not me.

I just go off into the woods and don't come out until it's over.

I have one.

I'm so sorry to bother you guys.

No problem, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Panty Shields"

Actually, no, I don't have one.

Here's a quarter, there's a tampon machine in the ladies' room.

Thanks.

[Bell rings]

Pick up, table six.

I couldn't help overhear.

I have tampon.

Oleg, why do you have a tampon?

Same reason I carry a lighter, even though I don't smoke.

Feels good to be the hero.

Sorry, again, but do you have any more change?

It's 75 cents.

It's a quarter.

75. Says so on the machine.

It better not or I'm about to rage against the machine.

What?

Han, I need to see you in here now.

But that is the ladies' room.

You're fine.

Women bring their little boys in here all the time.

Everybody decent?

Man in the ladies' room.

I apologize for personal intrusion.

You don't have to cover your eyes.

It's a ladies' room, not a solar eclipse.

Max, why do you want to see me in this inappropriate meeting place?

This is why. The tampon machine.

Oh, this is not man topic.

I do not wish to discuss time of the month when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.

Chase the cotton mouse?

Geeze, where'd you get your sex education?

Lambchop's playalong?

Han, you changed the price of tampons?

Yes, this is not appropriate talk.

No, this is not appropriate action.

They've been a quarter forever.

Look how old this machine is.

Harriet Tubman used to get her tampons here.

I'm a businessman.

Emphasis on the man.

I do not belong in here.

Hey, hey!

Don't make me chase you, you little khaki mouse.

Look, han, everyone knows there are certain things that people need in an emergency that you never raise the price on.

Things like what?

Off the top of my head, tampons and 40-ounce beers.

Max, why are you so upset?

It is only two more quarters.

Han, that's a 200% price hike.

That's outrageous.

You're taking advantage of women.

If men were the ones who got periods, tampons would be thrown free from floats like Mardi Gras beads.

I went to Mardi Gras once--I was 11.

My mom and her new boyfriend wanted to go, and they needed a designated driver.

Earl, I need a man's opinion.

Is it my right to raise the price of any product in my diner?

What product are we talking about?

Tampons.

Oh, brother.

Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.

Trust me.

I been in this situation a long time.

Remember Aunt Flo?

That was my aunt.

Han, just because you can take advantage of a business situation, doesn't mean you should.

It is law of supply and demand.

Fine, then I demand you roll back the price on the supply.

Come on han, don't be so 1% about it.

You think occupy Wall Street was a big deal?

Wait till you see occupy tampon.

We only protest once a month, but it's an intense five to seven days.

Got it. Found the milk.

And I found it even faster than the butter.

You know they're not hiding it from you.

It's a grocery store, not a sorority scavenger hunt.

Grocery shopping is so fun.

When I was little, I always wondered where this stuff came from.

What's that?

Birthday card for my mom.

Aww, let me see.

"Get better soon"?

I thought you said it was a birthday card.

It is, that's the only one that seemed appropriate for our relationship.

Do you really want your mom to get a get well card on her birthday?

Okay...Here's one with a strawberry, that's fine.

It's really about the 50 bucks inside anyway.

That makes me sad.

Sad? I can fix that.

Have a treat, it'll perk you right back up.

Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.

That's okay, they'll just think a g*ng came through and did it.

A candy g*ng?

What, like the sour patch kids?

Just step away and pretend you didn't do it.

That's what you do.

We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.

Why would we need to do that?

Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.

I thought the cupcakes were homemade.

They are, I make them in my home.

You've been using a boxed cake mix?

Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.

And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.

So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?

I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.

In fact, they should rename shame "keshame"

I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed.

Shouldn't there be someone to do this for us?

Oh, he's probably in the aisle cleaning up after the candy g*ng.

There was no candy g*ng in here tonight.

That was a sneaky customer, now wasn't it?

Hey, look.

For Chestnut, I can't wait.

I got him the kind with tops on them, like Bugs Bunny.

He'll be so excited when he sees the two of us tomorrow.

I know.

I was talking about me and the carrots.

All right now, your total is $70.49.

Wow, that seems like a lot.

I don't make the prices, now do I?

No, I was just commenting.

Well, it's not CNN, now is it?

Here, give her the coupons.

The coupons?

Yeah, here.

Max, you use coupons?

I had no idea.

You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator.

We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.

What are you talking about, I have coupons.

Here, take them.

I-I have--

I can't, I don't want to.

I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further.

Don't make me.

There's no need to go down a keshame spiral.

Hi, she has coupons.

Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?

Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?

I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me.

Now didn't ya?

Look, it's not a big deal.

Lots of people use coupons.

Coupons are for-- poor people, yes.

Like us.

People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "wow, $70? That seems like a lot."

Your new total is $12.70 wait, it just went from $70 to $12?

Just like that?

The same food for less money?

The exact same food?

How is that even possible?

You used coupons, now didn't ya.

Max, coupons are genius.

I'm late, I know.

I just got a text from Chestnut.

"Where are you?

I'm wearing my best suit."

He spelled suit with a four, but that's pretty good for a horse.

I have a good reason.

15 chicken pot pies.

Regular price: $1.47.

Coupon price: Free!

'Cause I bought 15 and used the double coupon in-store sale combo.

Listen to me with the lingo already.

Reminds me of my first day interning on Wall Street.

Chicken pot pies?

You don't even like them.

What does it matter if I like them or not?

They were free.

It's free money.

Who doesn't like free money?

I don't know about free money, but this is like watching someone free base for the first time.

Chestnut's fine.

It's not a big deal.

Ooh, oh, I just got another text from Chestnut.

"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."

We can go tomorrow.

In the Lifetime movie version, we just missed the day we were appointed by the court, and Chestnut's new parents move him out of town.

And we cry.

I get it, it's just that after last night, I woke up fascinated by the concept of coupons.

So I did some research.

I found this woman online who calls herself the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.

Only she calls them "cue-pons."

Is that the correct way to pronounce it?

Eh, I'm gonna go with her way after all, she is the queen.

Canned pumpkin?

Ten cans, double coupon, five cents each.

Great, 'cause I'm always lying in bed at night thinking I wish I could cr*ck open a can of pumpkin.

Oh, and I found a coupon for you to send your mom an edible arrangement for her birthday.

A pretty pineapple daisy says so much more than cash in a card.

And it's for 40% off the regular price.

That's perfect because my mom was 40% off a regular mom.

And Max, I do have something else for you in this bag.

Something that'll make you very happy.

Canned yams for when I get tired of canned pumpkin?

Better, look.

Look out, Han Lee.

I'm about to get my tamp on.

Well well, if it isn't everything that's wrong with the current economy, in a boys' v-neck sweater.

Oh, what do you think you are doing?

Oh, just putting straws in the container...

In case, uh...

Just in case a woman might suddenly need a straw and not have 75 cents.

Those are not straws.

They do not belong in public.

Didn't your mother ever teach you that is secret, no-no private lady thing?

You can't even say the name.

Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it, you should be able to bring yourself to say it.

I will never speak of it.

[Rings bell]

Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.

What's the big deal?

In Ukraine, there are pop songs about it.

She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.

[b*at boxes]

[Rings bell]

That is inappropriate counter display.

You take it down.

You take down the price and I will.

No, it is free market.

I charge what I want.

I am the boss.

Max, someone left a stack of newspapers filled with cue-pons, and look, a double for Duncan Hines.

Could this day get any better?

Oh, and tables four, seven and eight want their checks.

Okay.

Have 'em ready right here.

Max, no, that is private!

Here's your check.

And a little something extra, compliments of women without three quarters everywhere.

Thank you very much.

I don't know about your flow, so I gave you a regular and a super.

Max, have you no shame?

Nope.

Ladies, at that time of the month, I invite you to think of this man.

This man, Han Lee, right over here.

The man who thinks your menses should be more expenses.

Okay, okay, I will lower the price back to a quarter.

And that is end of discussion, period.

Oh.

Tampons for everyone. [Customers applaud]

Max, you are the Norma Rae of feminine hygiene.

[Inhales]

It's so windy.

Choosing coupon shopping over going to see your son again?

That's a keshame.

In the Lifetime movie version, this is where they take you away as an unfit mother.

And I don't cry.

I'm sorry, but I just saw that all these cake mix cue-pons expire today.

I'll be real quick.

Ten minutes, in and out.

If I had a cue-pon for every time I heard that from a guy.

Here, start going through these papers and look for the cake mix double cue-pon.

If I combine these with the in-store bonus, not only will we get the lower cue-pon mix price, but they will actually give us $23 back!

[Squeals]

I'll give you $24 to stop saying cue-pon.

Come on, start pulling out the ones for the cake mix.

It'll be a breeze. [Wind howls]

No, that was a breeze.

My cue-pons!

The fact that you're more worried about your coupons than your hair shows how far you've fallen.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Max, it's the Williamsburg cue-pon queen.

Where'd she leave her crown, in the minivan?

This is so exciting. I have to go pay my respects.

We don't have time for this.

Just throw the cake mix into the cart or we'll miss the train.

There, calm down, have a treat.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, your highness, but aren't you the cue-pon queen?

Mm-hmm.

I'm Caroline.

Freddie, and I can't talk right now because if I lose my place-- you'll lose your mind!

I'm gonna lose...My...Mind...

I know. You say that on your show.

I won't bother you, but I think you'll be excited when I tell you that it's only my second day and I already learned how to make money on the purchase of cake mix.

All I have to do is buy 40 boxes and we get the-- store bonus, yeah.

Cake mix... That's a rare cue-pon.

Where'd you find it?

Yesterday's circulars.

Didn't you see it?

I missed it.

Go to the truck and get the stockpile of circulars.

Look at him go.

You're sweeping the shelves.

On your show, you said sweeping the shelves was out of line.

Max!

These are mine, I was here first.

I think she's probably gonna be here last, so let's go, we don't need these.

We do, if we don't get 40 boxes, they won't be free.

I've met actual queens and this isn't royal behavior.

Max, she just body-checked me.

Push me again and I will report you to the American embassy.

Max, get in here.

Oh, we got a problem?

Oh, we got a problem.

Oh, hell no!

What do we do?

You step away and pretend you didn't do it.

That's what you do.

24, 25-- you're making me wait, now aren't ya?

Just till I get to 40.

[All groan]

26, 27, 28.

Come on, I'll buy it for you.

Come on, take up the bitch on his offer and let's go see Chestnut.

Max, shh, I'm counting.

If we don't have the exact right mix-to-coupon ratio we won't get our free money.

Okay, where was I?

Amateur.

Real mature, your highness.

We have places to go.

Okay, 40.

Take it away, Tanya.

Wait, what is this?

This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.

Where did this come from?

I put it in.

You can't do that.

It has to be all Duncan Hines.

I needed Pillsbury.

Well, you can't have it.

I need it!

Why?

I need it!

Why?

That's the secret ingredient.

I throw a spoon of Pillsbury in the Duncan Hines.

Pillsbury?

That's what makes it you?

That's what makes it more delicious.

Tanya, stop, flag on the play.

[All groan] Here, take this back and get me another.

You know what, I'm just gonna go see Chestnut while I still have time.

No, Max, please take this back and get me another one.

You're the one who wanted to use the store-bought mix instead of making your own from scratch.

So go back and get me another mix.

I used the mix because I don't know how to make my own.

No one ever taught me.

No one taught me how to bake.

No one taught me how to use tampons.

No one taught me anything.

You still think I should send my mom a better gift?

And no one taught you how to check out, either.

I'm going.

Max.

You need to get another mix, now don't ya?

I'll go get it, won't take a minute.

[All groan]

Who's the queen now?

Hey, my dude.

Look at you and your fancy coat.

Retirement looks good on you.

Told you I'd come by to see you.

Hooked you up with some carrots.

Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.

I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.

Probably not a great signal in here, but...

Your mom might be a little late.

She's coming though 'cause I know she's dying to see you.

All right, man, who am I kidding?

She's not coming.

I know that's hard to hear, and trust me, mothers not showing up, I've been there.

But, I know wherever she is, she is thinking of you.

Okay, that's not true either.

Here's the thing.

Your mom is a flake.

And you got two options, you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself or you can say, "hey, my mom's not here.

"I can watch tv all day and then go kick in a neighbor's window because I feel like it."

Hey.

Hey, look at me.

The fact that she's not here is not your fault.

It's hers.

There, I just saved you, like, 14 inappropriate sexual encounters.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi, Chestnut!

Hi, baby.

Aw...

I missed you.

I missed you so much.

Did you miss me?

So you got all the cake mix?

Yes, plus the $23.

And I got you your Pillsbury as well.

Paid full price-- it k*lled me.

You are a freak with the coupons.

I know.

I don't know what came over me.

When I found a way to make free money I forgot about everyone else.

Oh, my God.

Like my father.

Max, I have Ponzi DNA.

Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.

Must have been hard learning to do everything on your own.

I mean, I don't know how to do any of that stuff either, but, I had a staff of 20.

Yeah, I got staph at 20.

You know, you may think your secret ingredient is a spoonful of Pillsbury, but it's not.

It's you.

It's everything you've been through that makes you who you are.

Someone who fights for a box of tampons and fights for a horse's feelings and even fights for a box of cake mix when a friend in the middle of a cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.

This is the part in the lifetime movie version where I get up to pee.

I don't know who you're kidding.

You watch the entire movie and then you cry.

Listen to her, Chestnut.

She thinks she has me all figured out.

What she doesn't know is that when it comes to the cupcakes, I have another secret, secret ingredient.

Oh, don't tell me it's a pinch of Betty Crocker.

I can't tell you. It's a secret ingredient.

Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.

No, it's true.

Our slogan should be: They're so good, you'll rob your grandmother.

[Cash register rings]