01x04 - Bad Help

[bunniefuu]

There it is!

Yeah, and if you wanna bring one foot forward, into a lunge and a half-moon crescent, and then come down, yeah, for a boat pose.

Anne: Can we all be brave adults, and just admit that babies don't need yoga?

All: Ohhhhh! Yeah.

[Babies coo and gurgle]

Well...

Okay, we can move on to something else.

Yeah, who's got a new topic?

I'm incontinent.

I'm pregnant.

[All gasp and squeal]

No!

Alicia: Anne!

Val: Congratulations, Anne!

Sheila, if you don't mind, we'll revisit your incontinence after we've talked about Anne's good news.

Sure.

Jenny: So when are you due?

Uh, lookin' like late May.

Alicia: Oooh, late May.

Yikes.

What?! What is it?

Well, are you worried about a Taurus baby?

No Alicia, I'm actually not worried about a Taurus baby, I am worried about ten million other things, like who the hell is gonna take care of all of these tiny humans I've decided to create.

Oh, sounds messy.

Anne, it sounds like you're gonna need some extra help.

Have you thought about hiring a nanny?

Jenny: Yeah well, haven't we all considered hiring a nanny?!

Pretty luxurious, though.

Yeah, as soon as I start making some green, you know I'm hiring a nanny.

Little tip though, don't hire your mother.

It gets very personal, very quickly.

Ian's our nanny.

And I'm pretty sure he's doing nothing with our kid.

You try talking to him?

No...

He's a writer, so he's better with his words than me.

You wanna out talk Ian?

Next time that he gives you any trouble, you just att*ck him with some "I" language.

So basically, you phrase everything in terms of how it's affecting you, all while smiling, with soft eyes, even when you're insulting him.

What do you mean?

Here we go.

Ahem.

How do you not know what I mean?

I feel like I am being very clear.

I'm worried that you may be a slow person.

That'll work.

I don't think that'll work.

You can follow it up with a blow job if you... are concerned.

Depending on your time you know.

Yeah.

♪

Narrator on Tv: Reptiles need to use very little of the energy that they generate themselves to warm their bodies.

I know!

Narrator: In fact, they use around a tenth.

Mom, you have to change the diaper pail, and can you put some food in Olly's bowl?

You know there's trash cans, right?!

This place is a mess!

Hello?!

What?

Are you guys even planning on leaving the house today?

And what are you watching?!

You know Kate, it's a little early for your judgmental commentary. Right?

Wait, what are you doing with that?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm preparing to feed your son.

Or would you prefer he starve?!

There was no lid on that, Mom, it's probably been sitting out all night, you can't feed him that!

Sorry, didn't notice.

Is it not too much to ask that you just tidy up the house, feed the dog, not poison my son?

You know what, Kate?

I'm doing my best!

Are you?

Yes!

All right, well... [Sighs]

Then, my bad.

Okay.

I'll just throw this stuff away, and I'll see you at lunch.

Somewhere with a nice fresh fish.

Fresh fish?

Yes, please.

Yeah.

[Baby coos]

[Streetcar rumbles]

♪

Anne: I'm telling you, she's tough.

Strict nanny: Nothing I can't handle.
[Laughs]

And who the hell is this?

I get it, I was a little girl once too.

Pfft. I doubt you were ever little!

Hell, I doubt you were ever even a girl.

What is your problem?!

Anne: Alice!

Alice: Next!

Manny: I think you just need some extra attention Alice, someone to keep their eyes on 'ya.

Alice: You can keep your eyes on me.

You live around here?

It's about a 20 minute drive.

Really?

Okay, so this was a mistake, you can go.

Thank you!

Mean nanny: I'm sorry, but what part of stand up didn't you understand, Alice?

You should be sorry...

That you thought you could pull off that shirt.

You look like a dental hygienist.

What does that even mean...

I've got this.

I get it.

You think you're hot.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're just an average little girl, who's actually really boring.

Now stand up, or I'll call the boy that you like, and tell him you smell like headgear.

That's what I thought.

Now go to your room and do your homework, so you don't end up as boring as you look.

[Sighs heavily]

The only way to combat "mean girl," is with "mean girl."

It's a transition, but she'll get there.

Wow.

You're hired.

[Ian hums softly]

Jenny: Uh, could you not do that in here?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, I just thought it was better than doing it in the kitchen.

Hmm. Uh, so...

What are you two doing today?

We are gonna go see a 35mm screening of "Tremors" at the Royal.

I think Zoe's gonna like the snakes.

Uh, snakes?!

Yeah!

They're basically ground monsters, that's totally inappropriate for a baby!

Isn't that your favorite movie?

But I'm not a baby.

Yeah, well...

I just feel like you don't really trust me with her.

[Scoffs] No!

I do.

It's just that I feel like I would like to know that you guys are going to safe places, that way I wouldn't have to worry about I's baby... having nightmares...

What?

Are you having a stroke?

No.

I'm just-I'm jealous, okay?

Oh.

You guys get to bond all day, while I'm stuck at work.

Right, I'm not buying it.

You're pumped to go to work.

It's weird. Do you even miss us?

Yes!

I-I think about you guys all the time.

Oh.

What, you don't wanna kiss me?

Are you wearing new perfume?

I don't know.

I guess. Um, I should go.

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Zoe cries loudly]

I know...

[Zoe wails]

Yeah, yeah.

Kate: Mommy's here, hey?

Hi! Hi.

Oh, I'm so glad he's awake and seeing me, you know, middle of the day.

I know, I'm surprised he's not sleeping, we had a big morning, didn't we?

Yeah? What'd you guys do?

Oh! You know...

Well, he keeps me very busy, Kate.

Mmm...

[Eleanor chuckles]

Waitress: Here's a taste of our Cabernet by the glass.

Thank you.

Hi!

[Coughs, retches]

Mom?

Yeah, I don't know.

Um, did you not like it?

Shhh!

Okay...

Mom, you do realize we don't disappear when you cover your eyes?

Oh, I don't like it!

Okay, she doesn't like it, so could you please...

Take it away!

Yes please, thank you.

[Coughs]

The coast is clear.

Oh my goodness, well, my appetite is completely ruined.

That wasn't very nice, I mean, she didn't make the wine, why punish her, you know? [Chuckles]

Kate please, don't discipline me, not today.

Why are you never on my side?

I am on your side... I don't know her, I don't care about her, I mean, she seems nice, but I don't know her story.

I just-it just felt a little nasty, you know?

Your tone is nasty.

Oh boy.

Your eyes are harsh and your discipline relentless.

Okay, Mom, uh...

This isn't working out, I-I know, I'm trying to stay open here, and I know you're doing us a favor...

What are you saying?

Are you dismissing me?

You would do that to your mother?!

I don't know how to do this, okay?

I just think it would be better for our relationship, you know, if maybe you didn't watch...

Charlie anymore.

I think maybe I'd feel better, safer...

Safer?!

Not safer.

Like, just...

Do not say another word.

I'll pack my bags.

What bags, Mom?

You don't actually live with us.

And it's actually not that simple.

I was hoping you could stick around for a little bit while we find another nanny.

A couple weeks, a couple days...

A couple weeks.

Well, however I can be of service to you, my dear.

I shall stay... until you find someone... uh, more suitable.

Thank you.

[Laughs nervously]

Woman on Tv: I'm sick of the way you treat me!

You've been drinking too much tonight.

You have!

Okay, why are you coming up here?!

You told me to leave!

I did not!

Stop it!

Get out of the elevator!

[Noisy crunching]

Woman on TV: Goodbye!
Get out of my face!

Why are you so aggressive?

Get out!

Jesus!

Did I scare you?

I just wanted to hand off the monitor.

Jayme's sleeping.

Mhmm...

You don't scare me.

Cool.

I'm gonna go pick up Alice from school.

Cool.

Wait, isn't it early?

Well, I thought I'd stop at the store, and pick up some fruits and veggies first.

There aren't any here for after school snacks.

Huh, I could've sworn I saw an apple around here somewhere.

I only found chips, and other processed things.

Yeah, we must've blown through all that healthy stuff on the weekend.

Hmm.

Anything I can grab at the store for you?

Um, how about a couple of carrots and celery, and...

Ack-cees... berries?

Acai.

Yeah, you know what, it's Lionel.

That eats all that crap.

I totally get it.

Mhmm, thanks.

This is a really big help.

It's so hard to keep this place stocked up.

'Kay. 'Kay.

Mhmm.

See you lates!

Late... S.

[Door creaks open and shut]

[Noisy crunching]

[Keys click]

[Low hum of chatter]

Uh hey, you have a minute?

Uh. For you, of course.

I've noticed a significant change... in your behavior, you've really been going above and beyond lately.

I mean, you've turned your work in early, you've stayed late every night this week.

So...

You're happy with me?

Uh, yeah.

Knowing that I have your support... makes me feel like I can do anything.

[Gary groans]

Gary: I'm pretty sure my productivity is at an all time high.

It's worth mentioning.

Anyway, um, I was hoping if you had time after work today, y-you'd want to have a little...

Ian: Jenny!

Ian! [Laughs]

Hey, baby.

Hi...

We wanted to stop by, see you in action.

She said she wanted to see her bad ass mommy at work.

Awwww!

Hi, I'm Ian.

Jenny's husband.

Oh! Yeah, yeah, hi.

I'm Marvin, her department manager, nice to meet you.

Marvin the manager.

That's funny, I like that.

Okay, honey, um...

This is such a nice surprise, but... isn't it almost her nap time?

Uh you know, she's pretty lax about her schedule, actually.

Hey, I was thinking the three of us could grab some lunch.

Ian, it's almost four.

Crap, okay, uh...

Coffee? She could use a coffee.

Uh, I should uh...
I should really dive back in, it was really nice to meet you, Ian.

You too...

Bye.

Marvin the manager.

Okay.

That is not funny.

Oh, come on, that's funny!

As a writer, I can confirm that that is very funny.

Look, I am serious here, this is my place of business.

All right, it just feels like you're kinda you know, maybe hiding something.

No!

I'm just trying to be professional here, and it's hard to do that when you two show up.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I feel bad.

We'll go. It's okay.

Don't worry about it.

See you at home.

[Sighs heavily]

That counts as your 15.

Okay!

Kate: I read that she was actually sick on an elderly lady.

She claims she had motion sickness.

Code for mixing pills and booze.

Probably.

She's a bestselling author, and a mother of four, how hard could it be?

Someone tweeted a pic of her roaming coach, talking to strangers...

I smell an addict.

It's not our job to judge, just fix it.

Who's up for restoring her image?

Oh, I can handle this.

I can handle this too.

How about both of you work on it?

I really don't need any help, pretty straightforward job.

Rosie: Oh, sorry to interrupt, um, Kate?

You have a phone call.

Oh, uh, take a message.

Actually, it's your mum.

Take a message please, Rosie.

She was bit by your dog.

[Mo laughs]

Oh, wow.

Looks like your afternoon just got busy, Kate.

Don't worry about it, take care of your mom.

I got this.

Let's go.

[Traffic rumbles]

Hi.

Kate.

Oh my god, Mom, are you okay?

Well, I am now, thanks to this wonderful doctor.

You know, he and his wife are having a little baby too.

A little girl.

Kate wants a little girl, but she's just so busy.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Congrats on your baby, is my mom okay?

Yeah, she will be fine.

The dog did break the skin, so I provided her with a tetanus sh*t... and a band-aid.

And I'll take some of that pain medication.

Well good, yeah, whatever gets her through it.

Eleanor, that must've been really scary.

It was, Nathan.

It was very scary.

I thought, well, if this is it, I can at least protect the baby on my way out.

I love him so dearly.

Uh Mom, I'm so sorry about earlier, please stay on with us.

It's so good for Charlie to be around his grandmother.

You know I hate that word.

Well, until you can think of an alternative.

You know, Kate, I don't know why you love that dog so much.

Sometimes I think you have more intimacy with that dog than you do with your own husband.
[Laughs]

Okay, we're all done here.

Try to take it easy the next couple days.

Call me if you have any complications.

Kate: All right.

Eleanor: Thank you.

Kate: You know, Mom, Nathan loves Olly too.

Nathan?

Hmm?

Oh, I...

The dog!

Yeah, I mean...

I do love Olly.

It's just...

You see? You see that?

See what?! It's just what, Nathan?!

Well, it's just that he's a biter now, and I don't think there's any coming back from that.

Well, he was just being protective, you know, and-and...

And Mom, are you sure you weren't asking for it, maybe just a little bit?

You know, you can do some... dramatic hand gestures that might trigger something, or you do a whispery voice that puts some people on edge, I'm just saying.

Kate, come on.

I'm saying, her skin is basically tissue paper, I've seen her cut it on a spoon!

Can we please do this some other time?!

We both have to get back to work.

Well, I guess you're right, Kate.

I will just have to be more vigilant, that's all.

Oh...

[Sighs]

♪

Mmm! Mmm!

Hey babe, I am lovin' all the stuff the new nanny got.

It's so good, I'm feeling great!

It's about time we cleaned this house out.

Yeah, totally.

What the hell?

What?

Where's my ice cream?!

I threw it out.

Oh!

You told me earlier that you'd like some changes around here.

So I took initiative.

So great too! Okay.

Lionel!

I just need you to clear things with me before you go and throw out a bunch of perfectly good food, 'cause people are starving...

All over the world.

I personally think the world would be a whole lot better without things like ice cream.

You think the world would be better without ice cream?

It's basically poison.

Well, I basically need it right now!

No, you don't.

I mean, you really don't.

Yes, I do!

What you need is discipline, Anne.

Look at you, you're "skinny-fat".

[Sucks in breath]

You need to cut the junk, and add in some exercise.

What the f*ck?!

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh here.

I think you're a really cool mom.

I just feel like you've been sending me signals.

Like, "help me" signals.

With your eyes.

I've always been able to identify the darkness in others.

I don't want to sound weird but you could say I'm like, a second degree wiccan.

You know, I've always sensed the darkness in her myself.

Shut up, Lionel!

Sorry.

Um, Alice?

What have I said about dumping your stuff around the house?

Not to?

That's right.

Because that's what homeless people do.

Do you have a home?

A really nice home that your mom and dad provide for you?

Yes...

Well then, go pick up your things and clean your room, so you're less gross. Got it?

Got it. [Sighs]

Cool, thanks.

She's great.

[Groans]

Lionel!

She's great!

Can you just...

[bottle thuds]

Hey!

Another late night, huh?

I had work to do.

Have you eaten yet?

Yeah.

I made us meatloaf.

Oh, that sounds good!

Where is it?

Well Jenny, I uh, ate it.

I was waiting, but you were taking so long, and yeah, it was really good.

You ate an entire meatloaf?

Don't do that!

What?

Don't humiliate me!

It's bad enough that I gotta sit around here waiting for you, cooking, and cleaning.

Hmm, you cleaned?

Yeah!

So is she asleep?

Yeah.

I put her down at six.

Hm, that seems early.

Look, you can't just come in here at crazy hours, and start criticizing me, Jenny!

It's eight!

Yeah well, I have been working my ass off, and I just, I needed a little "me" time.

I totally get it.

Thank you.

Did you get some writing done?

Yeah. Of course.

Can I see it?

You're unbelievable!

I know what you're up to at work, okay?!

I'm not an idiot, Jen!

Okay, this seems a little paranoid. I...

Just-just... Don't look at me, you're giving me dragon eyes.

Dragon eyes?

Yes.

The dragon eyes, it's something that I've introduced into my screenplay.

You'd know if you asked once in a while!

Seriously? Ian, I just did!

Ian!

Ohhhh...

[Sighs]

[Keys clack]

♪

Hmm!

♪ Oh this is trouble ♪
♪ somethin' been puzzling me ♪
♪ everybody lay low ♪

Come on!

[Phone chimes] _

♪ Time for you to talk some truth ♪
♪ yeah, you've got...
(Explaining to do) ♪
♪ (Explaining to do) ♪
♪ Oh, you've got...
(Explaining to do) ♪
♪ (Explaining to do) ♪
♪ Yeah, you've got...
(Explaining to do) ♪
♪ (Explaining to do) ♪
♪ Oh you've got...
(Explaining to do) ♪
♪ (Explaining to do) ♪

[Keys clack]

♪ Baby, I'm a bit confused (Whoa-oh-oh-oh) ♪
♪ Ha, ha ♪
♪ ha, ha, oooh ah... ♪
♪

[Sighs]

[Door slams]

Hi, Mom!

Kate.

It's so clean in here!

Well, I thought you might like to come home to that for a change.

What's that I'm smelling?

Can't you guess?

[Gasps]

Did you make spaghetti?

Oh!

You just sounded like when you were a little girl.

Mm! Hot!

Let me do that.

Mmm!

Let me help you just slow down for once.

Mmm, oh, you don't have to do all that!

[Blows]

I like doing things for you.

Mmm!

This is nice.

Yeah!

[Sighs]

Is uh, Charlie's down?

Right on schedule.

Mhm.

Nathan?

Not home yet.

Hmm.

Where's Olly?

Mom, where's Olly?!

Hmm?

My dog?

I put him out.

Uh, what does that mean?

He's outside now.

Well, he's not an outside dog!

Kate, all dogs are outside dogs.

He doesn't know that!

Well, if I can't leave him in the garage, and I can't tie to him a tree, where is this dog supposed to live?!

In my house, Mom!

You tied him to a tree?!

[Sighs]

[Olly pants]

I put a plushy blanket out for him.

It was practically cashmere.

Don't even!

Mom, what happened?

I'm humiliated.

Your son bit a child.

You know Charlie's mimicking that vicious dog.

Mom, it's not that big of a deal.

Katie, my dear, how much more blood must be shed before you put that dog down?