01x07 - Phoenix Rising

Kate: Previously on "Workin' Moms".

We have let this go long enough.

We need to, like, hug and communicate.

Did Anne give you more drugs?

Did you or did you not want me to come onto you?

Marvin this was just some harmless office flirting.

Get a hold of yourself.

Anne: My Nanny has bonded with my daughter more in a week than I have in nine years.

So, you in Kate?

Let the best man win.

Your words not mine, man.

[Baby coos]

Something I like to do is just a gentle bicycle with the legs.

And not only does this feel dynamite in their little quads and hammies, but it also helps them to release gas.

[Baby farts]

Speaking of massage; Kate what's going on here?

Kate: Oh, that?

That's just the most amazing rub down I've ever had.

I can't even imagine.

What, you've never had a massage before?

I mean, not in years.

I, uh... I don't think I could enjoy it anymore because I am just too preoccupied.

With what?

Boiling your diva cup?

Okay, take your thumbs and trace little circ...

No, Anne, with the fact that I have so much to do everyday.

You know, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, making baby food.

See if you weren't making baby food maybe you could go for a massage.

Everyday I take, like, 20 minutes just to think or dance or, I don't know, clean my cow figurines, whatever. Something.

I tell my family that I have IBS, so I can lock myself in the bathroom and play Candy Crush.

Jenny, what is the filter that you use in your selfies?

I don't use filters.

Really? Wow.

Well, I've made the conscious choice not to be on social media.

Anne: Oh, good for you, Sheila.

All: [Sarcastic reactions]

Kate: Let's throw her a parade.

Will there just be one ball that all our parents will share from?

What?

Here, like this.

Ah, smaller. Hm-hmm.

All right what time are you gonna be home tonight?

Uh, no later than four, five the latest. I promise.

Well, you better be home for dinner.

The last time you left me alone with your parents it was the worst.

When I gave birth to Charlie?

The small talk was excruciating.

Fair enough.

Remember when you told me to throw out this box of junk?

I do, yeah.

Well, I didn't throw out this box of junk.

I hid it in the crawl space.

Oh, thanks for your constant reminder that I married the right man.

Did you ever!

Guess how much my VHS copy of "Beauty and the Beast" is worth?

Uh, negative 10 cents?

Uh, try positive $500.

What?! What kind of nutjob pays $500 for VHS?

Can you please take Jamie with you?

Oh, uh, funny, you know, studies have said that crying babies really muck up a business transaction...

Lionel!

But I'm gonna take her 'cause I love her and I'm a good father. Yes.

Let's go meet Herb.

Hopefully he's not a murderer.

Yes. Yes.

Okay, bye, mommy.

Lionel?

Yeah.

You will take her out of the box and put her in the car-seat, right?

Yeah.

[Door creeks open]

Where's Daddy going?

Jesus Christ, you scared me.

Sorry for living.

Daddy and Jamie went to sell junk to a man named Herb.

Gross.

So I guess it's just me and you today.

Fun.

[Apple crunches]

Looking good, sugar butt.

What are you doing?

C'mon don't worry, I won't put it in.

Put what in what?

Your sweet ass in my Kickstarter video.

For my movie.

The movie about fat vampires?

[Blender whirs]

Did you listen to anything I said?

My new screenplay is about stay at home dads.

Are the dads vampires?

No.

Also, not a bad idea.

I can't believe you're making a Kickstarter.

You really think people are gonna give you money.

Yeah. You said you were gonna help.

I was planning on going to yoga.

You don't need yoga, baby, if anything, yoga needs you.

Come on, it'll be fun. You, me, Zoe.

Fine I'll help you.

You don't have to guilt me, I'll do it.

All right!

Zoe!

[Phones ring]

Ugh, okay, I was test driving the clients bike.

It's a fixed gear bike.

Did you know they don't have brakes?

Yeah, Carl, everybody knows that they don't have brakes.

Hey, you know what didn't have breaks last night?

Uh-oh.

This guy.

Too bad I wasted it on a seven.

Did you guys smash?

Chad could you refrain from speaking millennial in here?

Come on, you guys know what "smash" is.

It's like tap that.

You're talking about s*x?

Yeah, just like, less sad.

It sounds very violent.

What do you people call it?

s*x. Mo?

I don't know. Guess I'd say, uh, we banged.

Got it on. Laid some pipe.

Like you could ever do anything as masculine as plumbing.

[Chad laughs]

Carl, what's your smash?

Uh, make love.

[All laugh]

As enlightening as this is, let's, let's get down to work.

Agreed.

Okay.

Uh, Carl, So do you want my specified notes right now?

Yes I do. Yeah.

Chad, actually, you can hang onto those notes because you'll be making the presentation.

Oh, I-I thought I was?

Yeah. Uh, Carl, seeing as you broke your face on the bike last night, I'm gonna keep you away from the clients.

Yeah, so, uh... I don't know about that, I've never pitched before.

You can handle it, man.

Yeah, man, you're gonna smash it.

[Door speaks open]

[Car door opens]

Please, come into my office.

[Car door shuts]

Can I offer you a refreshment?

Look, I got chips, gum, I'm pretty sure this is a juice.

You clearly love that place.

If you wanna make a move, Nora, this is the time.

I just, I feel rushed.

Mm-mm, no. We keep coming back here, right?

That means something.

Seventh times a charm, right?

I don't know.

Is this gum's cinnamon?

Hm-hmm.

It's burning my mouth.

Is your body trying to tell you something?

You ready to make a move?

Hm-hmm.

'Kay.

Uh-ha.

I'll do it. Put in my offer.

Woo-yeah, come on, let's do this.

All right. Okay. Hold please.

[Laughs, keys tap]

And it is sent.

Oh God, I feel regret.

Don't. Don't do that.

You are gonna thrive here, Nora.

You're right.

Yeah. This is gonna mean good things for you.

[Cell phone pings]

You didn't get the house.

What?! Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no.

Look, can I be real with you?

Never saw you in that house.

What?!

No, you, you think that you think inside the box, but I think that you think outside the box.

Listen, got a little gem that I've had in my back pocket for a few months now.

Don't tell anybody.

Want to see the little gem that's in my back pocket?

It's a gem.

I don't mind seeing the gem in your back pocket.

Yeah-yeah-yeah, right.

Let's blow this joint.

[Engine starts and whirs]

[Video game pings and crackles]

[Anne laughs]

Game: Juice!

Alice: Watch out. Mini port is coming.

Quick, we've gotta get out of here before it's too late.

[Door creaks open]

Alice: We must save Pretty Corn.

If only Bravy Corn were here, he could help us.

[Unicorns clomp against table]

[Video game sounds]

[Sighs]

Well, how do we look?

You look fine.

Can I press record?

You ready?

I'm ready, all right.

[Record button beeps]

Hi, I am Ian Mathews and I am a stay at home dad.

Every morning I wake up and I get to bond with my daughter.

We take walks together, we eat meals together and we chat.

It's the most beautiful relationship I've ever had.

There's nothing that makes me feel like more of a man than being a mother to my daughter.

All right, Chad, you got this.

[Preparatory breath]

Specified bikes are famous for their specified ability in tackling mountain ranges.

You sound like a little bitch. Confidence.

It's important to note when you're riding through the city to be aware of the urban environment.

That-that's why we've planned a series of bike riding...

Dude, they know this already.

This is not how you get it in with a client.

Look, I'm just warming up, okay? I'm teasing the tip.

Oh.

It's Saturday.

We all have better things to do than watch you tease the tip.

You know what?

Why don't you just do it?

Yeah. All right. Thank you.

Will you give the kid a chance, please?

Chad, you're gonna do great.

Uh, just think of the client as a buddy and you're going for a beer with the buddy...

Really, guy whose face looks like roadkill?

You're giving advice on pitching to a client?

Yeah, I thought it might be a bit more helpful than ripping him a new one.

I doubt it.

You pitch like you have s*x; badly and never.

Mo.

Nice.

[Everyone groans]

Oh god, this is glandular. This is a real problem.

You look like a Manatee at a wet t-shirt concert.

Look... Forget this!

[Laughs] Oh ho!

Come on, Carl, relax.

Carl, you okay?

Mo, Jesus.

Boy: [on TV] I'm scared.

Girl: [on TV] Well, I'm hungry.

Hey.

So should I be Brave Corn... y?

Gravy Corn?

[Anne whinnies]

You want to play?

Yeah, sure. If you want me to we can...

[Anne whinnies]

Hey look, I am here, let's play.

Can we just finish this episode?

Yep, sure. Yep, that's fine.

Boy: Okay, on the count of three let's put our horns together and sing.

Boy and girl: One, two, three.

How's that a dungeon?

Uh, that's where Meany Corn lives. In the clouds.

He has them locked up.

You can't lock somebody in a cloud.

Clouds aren't solid, you can walk through a cloud.

You know that, right?

Boy: Quick, give me a boost.

Girl: Well, climb on.

Why does she need a boost? She's a horse, she can jump.

She's not a horse, Mom, she's a unicorn.

Okay, so don't unicorns have magical powers?

I mean that skill set could come in really handy...

Mom, if you don't like the show then don't watch it with me.

Okay. God.

[Clears throat]

I'm just gonna excuse myself then.

I'll be right back.

Boy: Don't forget the sugar cubes.

So let me just make sure to hit record.

What do you want me to say?

Just talk about how blessed you feel being married to a stay at home dad.

Right.

Ready?

[Record button beeps]

And action.

My name is Jenny Mathews.

I'm married to a stay at home dad.

My husband stays at home with our daughter and watches her grow and I go to work, it's great.

Cut. Cut. Okay.

Honey, I understand that you're not a, you know, a natural performer, but it's starting to come off a little sarcastic.

Uh-ha.

Do you know what you need?

A scene partner.

Come on.

And up.

All right, let's try it again, except this time look deep into Zoe's eyes and speak from the heart.

Okay?

Ready? And action.

My husband watches our daughter and I go to work where I find myself feeling like I'm searching for something, but I don't even know what it is.

I come home from work to find my husband bonding with my daughter in ways I always imagined I would bond with her and then I, I feel like...

Cut. Cut.

Okay. Um, Honey, no one is gonna want to donate if they're getting a negative vibe, right?

It's a little heavy.

So why don't we make it a little bit more about me.

Right. So, like, less honest.

Yes, exactly! Thank you.

Okay, perfect.

Let's record and... action.

[Exasperated breath]

Alice, come over here.

[Paper crinkles, footsteps thud]

Mom, why are you sick all the time?

Uh, because I have perpetual indigestion...

It doesn't matter just sit down.

But there is another episode.

Sit.

[Irritated huff]

You see this?

Yeah, I see it.

We're gonna make one of these.

Why?

What do you mean why?

Because it's pretty.

Can we make a unicorn instead?

No.

Why not?

Because we're making a bird.

And because I don't know how to make a unicorn.

Alice, come on, it'll be fun.

... and so you fold it over diagonally.

Uh, no. Honey...

Diagonally. The corners have to meet up.

Like this?

No, the corners have to be flush.

What's flush?

It's when they line up.

You have to pay attention to detail.

I'm trying.

Are you?

Because if you're not gonna do it right you might as well crumple up your paper.

You mean like this?

[Paper crinkles]

[Paper thuds]

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Congratulations Frankie.

Put her there.

Wait, wait, you sold that turd?

Hey, man, one person's turd is another person's house.

Did she go inside?

Did she smell the back room, I mean it smells like salmon.

Guys, what I sold her was a new beginning.

A salmon scented new beginning.

Seriously, Frankie, good job.

You keep it up, you'll be employee of the month.

We have employee of the month?

Oh, no. [Laughs]

But if we did...

Hey G.

Giselle: Frankie, this isn't a good time.

Yeah, I know you're busy, but I just want to call and tell you that...

Giselle: Okay, okay, Rhoda.

I got some good news.

I've got to go.

I sold the... house...

What was that? She hung up.

She's... she's kind of busy right now.

She's really happy for me though.

We're happy for you too.

Thanks.

[Heavy breath]

[Phone buzzes]

Hmm?

Oh, f*ck.

[Sighs]

Carl?

Kate. Hey. Hey, uh...

What's up?

Hey, man, look I'm sorry about what Mo said in there.

He was, he was being a jerk.

[Laughs] Yeah, no, he just kinda poked a couple of my sore spots there.

Like your face? [Laughs]

Yeah.

Oh, don't... I'm sorry.

I know you're going through a divorce and that's gotta be hard.

Oh, if you... If only that was it.

I figured it was time to move on, so I went online and I fell in love.

Oh my god, Carl, that's great.

No, no, that's not great, Kate. I...

I got catfished.

Oh no.

Yeah, it turns out this girl named Tina is actually a guy named Phoenix.

Well, that, that can happen to anybody.

It's like, I see something and I wanna tell Tina, but hey, guess what, buddy? You can't tell Tina, you can only tell Phoenix because Tina doesn't exist.

Oh. Oh-no, eh, oh God, it's okay.

Oh no.

[Carl sobs]

Hey, Buddy, look, for the record, I think you are a really sweet, really smart guy.

Well, thanks, Kate.

You know you're really good at this job.

Thank you.

I don't know why they gave Mo the Montreal gig.

What?

♪ I do it alone ♪
♪ So I'm lonely ♪

Babe, I got my first donation.

A hundred bucks!

I'm taking you out for dinner.

Wait, no, I'm gonna put it towards the movie.


♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪
♪ Are you scared to tell somebody ♪
♪ How you feel about somebody ♪

♪ Are you scared what somebody's gonna think ♪

♪ Are you scared to wear your heart out on your sleeve ♪

[Both laugh]

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Are you scared of me ♪
♪ Because I'm scared ♪
♪ That death's gonna take me away ♪

[Key turn, engine and radio turn off]

[Cell phone buzzes]

[Knocking]

Kate: [Laughs]

[Door locks unlock]

Hey, lady, you lost?

What are you doing out there?

Ah, just getting some fresh air.

Mm-hmm. You smoking?

[Grumbles] Vaping actually.

Dad, is that weed?

Oil extract. Want some?

Yeah, I'm good.

Ooh.

Mm?

You seem like you're down in a trough.

Care to share? What is it?

I'm, I'm just tired.

Oh.

Hey, what about the Montreal thing, any word?

Actually, um...

I just found out they gave it to Mo.

The weeper?!

No, that's Carl.

The teenage zorp?

Dad, that's Chad.

Ridiculous.

Why your boss would want so many boys with the same name in that office, is beyond me.

How'd he tell you?

Who, Richard? He didn't, I found out from Carl.

The Weeper.

Well, Don't un-count your chickens before you know they're dead.

Just wait 'till you hear it directly from Richard.

Yeah, maybe.

And Nathan, does he know what's happening?

Oh, you have to have a talk with him.

I mean, a real talk.

The secrets in a marriage are like fleas in a bed; you can leave them to fester, they'll both have you sleeping on the couch.

Fair enough.

Oh, I better get back inside.

I told your mom I was making a phone call, but I just remembered my phone's in her purse.

[Laughs] Sounds like a secret.

Well, what do you want for nothing.

Just do as I say, don't do as I do.

Okay.

You coming?

In a minute. Will you pretend you haven't seen me?

What? Seen who?

[Kate laughs]

Love you, Dad.

[Smooching kiss]

You too, Honey.

[Door slams shut]

[Console beeps, music plays]

♪ Put on my best dress ♪
♪ I wanted to impress ♪
♪ I put a little make-up on ♪
♪ Put a bow in my hair ♪
♪ Wore pretty underwear ♪
♪ Hoping you might take it off ♪
♪ Don't know your etiquette ♪
♪ But I'm strapped to my chair ♪
♪ And it ain't 'cause you're pretty ♪
♪ You were charming ♪
♪ Until you saw your chance to kill ♪
♪ Your chance to make history ♪