04x03 - The Man in the Mexican Mask

(SEETHING EXHALE)

There she is, ha ha!

Craig! How are you liking the event?

My mind is blown! Me too.

How long have you been keeping this a secret from me?

A secret?

Mikey and I are old travel buddies!

Yeah! I haven't seen this guy in what, 20 years?

About that.

Ah, Mikey!

You neglected to tell me that you guys were pals.

Oh yeah, back in '99, we rode all the way across Southeast Asia together on a moped.

I did all the driving.

Yeah, yeah, and I never forgot the guy who I hugged all the way to Laos!

Yeah, nuts to butts. (LAUGHS) Nuts to butts!

Seriously man, I always thought that he'd be running like, a... a surf shop in Maui, you know, not working with us on Après!

Sorry?

Yeah, he just pitched me his idea.

He did? Yeah.

It's everything in one word! Elevated.

Elevated! Elevated.

Elevated! Look, we were going for sophistication, "elevated" transcends sophistication.

It's totally Zen!

I'm resisting the urge to elevate my foot up your ass right now.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

You guys, you guys have like, great energy, I can tell.

You never-you never dated, did you?

What? No! I'm married.

Well, that never stopped her before.

Yeah, couldn't resist the old Bolinski charm.

What's that, terrible tattoos, and a crooked pen1s?!

Whoa!

Wh... Trish!

Trish, come on, that was a joke!

Excuse me. Yeah, yeah.

Bolinskiiii! The Blinses!

Yeah, yeah, let me show you some of these kegs.

Ah, that guy can drink more than any other human being...

Can he?!

That was amazing!

Yeah, I really thought the venue delivered.

Oh yeah, no, the party.

Yeah, the party was great, yeah, great job.

Hey, when can the two of you present me with like, a formal pitch? Yes, um, about that...

You know what's weird?

It's like I knew he was there before I even saw him.

He certainly has a knack for showing up where he's not needed.

He's always been a master of surprise.

Once he got us out of a jam with the Bangkok police by pulling coins out of their ears!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Um, to be clear though, Mike isn't actually on this project.

Really? But wasn't "Elevated" his pitch?

Sure. Yes, um... but it really wasn't his place to...

I like the idea.

I see. Um... me too.

Uh well, leave it to me, I'll talk to Mike.

What's important is you get exactly what you want.

Awesome. Hey. All right.

Pow! Yeah... (LAUGHS)

Hey Kate, collaboration is an elevated approach to success, huh, don't you think?

I-I do think. Yeah.

Namaste.

Nama-namaste.

Back at you.

(CAR RUMBLES)

Mother f*ck...

♪♪♪

So, do you need me to get a job, or something?

I need you to put your gi on, and chop-chop to karate class.

But don't we need money?

(SIGHS) Before you earn money, you need to learn how to conduct yourself.

Because, let's face it, we both know that you destroyed your job at Kate's office.

Karate teaches you discipline.

And it's an opportunity.

An opportunity... to see the benefits of rules... in your everyday life. (KEYS CLACK)

But you guys are broke.

No, we're not!

I have exciting news! Oh my God! You got a job?

No. But I signed up for an online coding course!

What?! Go get ready.

Go, go, go, go!

Yeah! I mean, I have to get with the times.

Learn the language.

Meet Mr. Future!

Mr. Future?!

Do you really think that now is a good time to start switching career paths?

Well, this course promises to have me coding by Christmas.

Christmas? Lionel, what are we gonna live off of?!

The book that I don't know how to write, that's already a failed experiment?!

Do you want help? I have a lot of free time.

Oh my God, we're gonna lose the house.

Okay honey, I think you're being a little bit negative.

Oh really?! Do you think you could code me a goddamn coffin?!

'Cause I'd like to take a forever nap right about now.

Okay, well, clearly you don't know what coding is.

(SLAMS SCREEN SHUT)

I am going upstairs to write, because our survival depends on it!

Well, what am I supposed to do with Alice?

Take her to karate!

And then what? I don't know, figure it out!

(KATE SIGHS)

Mind if I come in?

You're asking? Not really your style.

Well, I uh, owe you an apology.

Y'think?!

I busted my ass on that event, and you show up, pitch a new concept, and all of the sudden Craig's vibrating like his asshole's full of rose quartz!

So, Craiggles likes my idea.

Loves it.

And now I am forced to invite you in on this project.

I have never wanted to karate somebody so bad.

Whoa.

First we gotta take care of this.

Finish cleaning up after Intern's party.

Definitely not the image Craig was angling for.

(TEENAGERS CHEER AND SHOUT)

Okay, where did you find this?

The internet.

We have to get rid of this. Like, yesterday.

Don't worry, I'm hiring some nerds to do an online scrub.

How much will that cost? It's my gift to you.

Bottom line is, any evidence of an illicit Après party will be gone.

Good, thank you.

Because I actually have to go to this thing for my son's camp, and we also have to follow up with Tru Air.

I'm working on a simple fix.

Don't worry, I'll run it by you before I press any buttons.

So you can feel free to go to your kid's thingamajig.

Hmm?

To fresh starts.

To fresh starts.

Hmm!

You got yourself a little bit wet there.

No I didn't, I didn't.

♪♪♪

(KIDS HOLLER)

Oh! Come here.

Hey, dude!

Yo, GQ!

Your son just threw sand in my kid's face!

(SCOFFS ANGRILY)

Jubel, don't throw sand, okay?

Not that I blame you for trying to bury that kid.

She looks like Joe Dirt. (CHUCKLES)

I heard that.

Oh, you talk.

I thought some kid left a Bratz doll on the bench.

Excuse me?

Well, you look like a butler on a break.

(LAUGHS)

Wow.

Which one's yours?

Uh, the only other Asian kid in there, duh!

Puny!

How many packs a day produced that keychain?

Your kid is not that much bigger.

Did he come in the box with your mail-order bride?

(LAUGHS)

You're a bitch. What's your name?

Jenny.

Isn't that a child's name?

What's your name?

Malcolm Cody Patrick.

Hmm, after your mom's top three guesses at who got her pregnant?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, that's interesting.

Most people are taller when they stand up.

♪♪♪ Hey, Business Boy!

Copier's out of toner.

I'm not a Business Boy anymore, I told you.

I got a promotion.

I'm a businessman now. I take inventory, and wear a tie.

What? Since when?

Since you weren't listening, obviously.

I'm the new Custodial Operations Manager.

So you're a janitor?

I'm the manager of the janitors.

I'm a Janager.

Dude! Way too much floor cleaner!

If you can't ration this properly, I'm gonna have to find somebody who can!

(SIGHS)

Um... I've never heard you speak to anyone like that before.

Yeah, I might have to let uh, Josh go.

You can... you can fire people?

Totally.

Uh... are you sure we're supposed...

(DOOR SLAMS)

(IMPRESSED CHUCKLE)

Lionel. Hi, Kate.

Do you have a minute?

I was actually just on my way out. But...

All right, come on in. All right.

Wow, I mean, this place is great.

What's up? Um... you know uh, you know Anne. My wife.

You know my wife... Anne.

You havin' a stroke?

He is trying to ask you to give me my job back.

LIONEL: No! No, I'm not.

Yes, yes, I am.

Please, don't tell Anne.

(SIGHS)

You jeopardized my entire business, Alice.

And I'm really sorry.

It was just supposed to be a chill hang-out with some friends. Oh, please.

There are videos all over the internet of children drinking my client's product.

What if those kids' parents decided to sue?

It's not my fault!

Some guy in a mask showed up.

He gave us the beers!

All right, if you're not willing to take responsibility for your actions, then we have nothing to talk about.

Okay! Okay.

It's my fault.

Look, I know almost all the kids from the party.

I can try to get them to take down their posts.

This does not mean you have your job back, okay?

If I still have a client at the end of this, maybe we can talk.

Okay. I'm on it.

All right, go connect with Mike and the scrub team, they're in his office.

Wow, that was really great, thank you.

Hey, can I be on the scrub team, too?

Because I don't have a job, but I am learning to code, so...

I love you, but I gotta go. Okay.

(SNAPS, CLAPS)

Uh, do you validate? I don't have a job!

You wanna grab dinner? (LAUGHS)

Yeah, that's not what this was about.

It was just s*x, and it doesn't leave this closet.

Wow, now I feel cheap.

So how much are you getting paid to be the king of the janitors? Oh, they doubled my pay.

Yeah, right.

If they doubled your pay, that means you're getting more than me, and I'm your superior.

I don't know. I'm serious. They doubled my pay.

(YELLS) What?!

♪♪♪ SEAN: Now, this painting to me is very reminiscent of Monet's "Water Lilies", although Mom would never admit it.

I'll show you another one.

To me, it's reminiscent of something I've seen hanging in a Ramada. Shh!

So where did your mother learn to paint?

Oh, she actually studied in Paris.

At a lesser known, but pretty prestigious, art school.

One of their most famous students was actually Paul Gauguin. Oh! I know who that is!

That fruity soap store at the mall, uh, his paintings are on their packages.

So, Sean, where is the artiste?

Oh, yeah, she actually just texted that she's feeling ill, she won't be able to make it.

Aw, that's-that's very sad.

Yeah. She'll be okay.

Yeah... would you excuse us for just one moment?

Come on.

I'll just be right back.

What are you doing? He's pulling something.

What? No, he's not.

Yes, he is! I know for a fact that Gauguin didn't study at a shmancy art school, that he took up painting after giving up his career as a stockbroker!

Since when do you know so much about Paul Gauguin?

Oh! Since I've started doing 3:00 a.m. bottle feeds and can't get back to sleep without watching a documentary!

Okay, so maybe he made a mistake.

He's not the artist, his mom is.

An artist who isn't at her own art show.

Because she's sick! Because she doesn't exist.

Are you jealous? No!

Uh huh. No!

I just don't know why he's still hanging around.

The guy donated some sperm, but it's like he's back from the war.

Can we finish this in the car, please?

We've gotta get to Rhoda's camp.

You know what? You go. I'm staying.

No, Bianca!

SEAN: Hey.

Oh, yeah.

All right, there we go.

Ugh! Why do they always have to do this sh1t in the middle of a work day?

And what does a carnival have to do with camp?!

Well, camp is just some loose term for any kind of ranch-style babysitting.


(CHARLIE CRIES OUT) What was that, buddy?

I want ass!

Did he just say he wanted ass?

Yeah, he's been saying it since the beginning of camp.

I don't know what to do about it.

Is that-is that Val? Oh my God.

Kate! Anne!

And just like that I got nightmares!

Hi, ladies.

You enjoying family day? So what is happening?

Mel got a bouncy castle at a liquidation sale.

It's been a golden goose.

Even the boys are helping out.

Shh! Shh! Stop! Dude.

Just leave it, man.

KATE: You should be so proud.

Congratulations.

Kate and I know running a business is demanding, but the rewards are extra sweet, like a hard-won orgasm.

Well, you know, I-I run my own business, too.

Mm, not really the same thing.

Anyway, gotta go.

Someone upchucked in the bouncy castle.

Kettle corn.

Bye.

She's always such a bitch to me!

Is she?

I find it interesting that they want nothing to do with each other.

I don't get it, we're best friends, so shouldn't they be like, biologically engineered to be best friends? Mhmm.

Oh... or not. Speaking of delinquent kids, did you give Alice her job back?

Well, no, but I told her she could earn it back if she earned my trust, right? Like, baby steps.

Baby steps.

You could've used baby steps when you were moving back in with...

NATHAN: Hey, Anne.

Nathan.

Hey. Hey.

CHARLIE: Ass! Ass!

I want Ass! Charlie!

Don't say that wor... This is what I'm talking about.

He's like, hungry for some strange.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Are you talking about an infidelity tree, Anne?

'Cause I am not that tree anymore. Enough.

Look, you may not approve, but I love your best friend.

You hurt her again, and I will shave your balls with a straight razor. That would like save me time.

Okay, this could not get any weirder.

Yo, what up, clowns?

Forrest!

Do you... do you work here?

Yeah, I used to come here as a kid.

So what, like, last year?

Yo, I would keep these two separate, she tried to bury him in the sandbox the other day.

What? No!

I mean, they were probably just playing.

If you mean playing in the Thunderdome, where only one of them walks out alive.

What're you... ah! How? What is happening today?!

Look, these two are destined to have f*ckin' friendship bracelets. And Nathan...

I'm sorry, okay? You're fine.

Thank you...? Look.

I'm not gonna shave your balls, okay?

Look, you know what, we're overdue for a-a double date.

We should go out for drinks, break some crab...

Crab? It's a pretty busy week.

But raincheck, for sure. Yeah.

Okay.

I'm gonna take a lap, you wanna join me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll go grab the kid.

I'll-I'll see you soon. Mhmm. Yeah, sure.

Yo, do you wanna... go in the bouncy castle?

It's shaped like a cow's butt.

No!

Get outta here, scram!

God!

♪♪♪

What the hell is this?

My daughter looks like a filthy slob, and who is this miserable kid?

Oh my God, look at that one, she's picking her nose!

KATE: Hey! Hey!

Look at these great shots!

What's up, man? Yeah.

Oh hey, look at you, with your buddy.

CHARLIE: Ass!

Uh, did he uh...

What did I say about saying that word, you gotta stop that!

Let me know if you ladies want to order any prints.

Why would anyone want a copy of this in their home?

Yes, we most certainly will.

Thank you.

Bye, guys. Let's go, come on.

Hey, if it means anything, I think they're great.

I'm so sick of those like, posed bullshit school photographs.

At least you really caught them, you know?

Thanks.

Clearly, my style's not for everyone.

Pssh! Well, I dig it. I mean, look at my little guy!

He looks so happy over there! Wait, you're Charlie's mom?

Yeah, I'm Maya, Axe's mom! That's Axe.

His name is Axe?

Yeah, short for Axelrod.

He keeps saying "Ass!"

Ass, Axe, I didn't... (LAUGHS)

Don't kill me!

I literally have been preparing myself for a four-year-old with a butt complex.

(LAUGHS) This is ridiculous, he just wants to play with your son.

Yeah. I'm Kate.

Maya. Man, our kids are super tight.

We should just hang. Let me get your number.

Hey, what's goin' on here?

Hey Anne, this is-this is Maya, it's Axe's mom.

Our kids are, are pretty tight, they've hit it off, I guess.

Hit it off?

Apparently the counsellor said they're inseparable.

Inseparable. (LAUGHS)

If they love each other so much, they should just get married!

I think we'll just start with a playdate.

Hey, how's Thursday, you guys wanna all get dinner?

Yeah, let's do that. All right.

I thought you had a busy week?

Oh, I have a few more gems I wanna show you.

Oh, totally. I can't believe he was calling him "ass!"

Literally believe.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Honestly. You're the best.

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

I'm sorry I was so rude. This afternoon.

It was immature.

It's just... you see the good in everyone, and I love that about you, but I have met some... nice people with not nice intentions.

What reason does he have to lie?

Oh, I met his Mom, by the way.

And she was sick.

Anybody could pay a meth-head to play their sick mother. Oh!

I'm just saying. Frankie, I'm not stupid!

Sean-Sean's a good person. God brought him into mine and Solomon's lives for a reason.

Actually, I brought him into your lives.

See? This is all about you. Okay, well, what are you looking for?

My rosary! My grandmother gave it to me.

Well, maybe somebody stole it.

Oh my God.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES) KATE: Oh!

_

(KATE LAUGHS) _

(CHUCKLES)

Hey Alice, why aren't you in there with the rest of the scrub team? Well, Bullshitzki wouldn't even let me in the room.

He said, "Head home, Intern, you've helped enough."

But my friends sent me all the stuff from the party.

I've got video of the beer guy.

(TEENAGERS HOLLER AND LAUGH)

That's a grown man!

Uh, send me this ASAP, okay?

Good work, Carlson.

(TEENAGERS IN VIDEO CHEER)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

That's odd.

Uh huh?

JENNY: Kate, it's Jenny. I need to ask you a question, as one successful businesswoman to another.

Uh... uh, sure.

So I'm looking over our staff payroll, and I'm noticing that people are getting paid different things.

Well, that's kinda how payroll works.

But how do I zoom in here? No, what?!

Oh, I see. No, I mean, overall, men are getting paid more than women.

Holy f*ckin' sh1t!

Mike?!

And Warren, and Gary, and Marvin!

All of them! b*st*rd!

I know! Totally. What do we do?

Okay, I ca-I can't even believe this.

Well, it's real, I'm looking right at it.

But... it's confidential info.

Well, not anymore.

The cat's outta the bag, shithead.

Who's a shithead? Them, right?

Yeah, of course they don't want us to know they're screwing us!

God, I should say something, but... what if I get fired?

The truth'll set you free.

Uh huh.

(PHONE CLATTERS)

♪♪♪