01x07 - Jeff & Some Jeffs

Bienvenidos to Taco Temple. Can I take your order?

Yes, hi.

[laughs] How you doing?

Uh, I'd like one King Quesadilla, some steak tacos...

Two churros.

Hold on, man, okay? I got this.

A grande rice pudding taco with the chocolate shell, of course...

And two churros.

You know what?

I'll take two churros too.

Shut up, all right?

I do the ordering, okay?

This is the only thing I'm good at.

Don't take this away from me like you take away everything else.

What the hell are you talking about?

Guys, let's not fight, okay?

I'll tell you what the hell I'm talking about.

You think humans are stupid.

Well, just 'cause you have green skin and multiple brains doesn't make you better than me, okay?

All you ever do is [bleep] all over my planet.

Oh, please.

Huh?

I drove for seven hours to show you the Grand Canyon, and you didn't even pretend to be interested.

Well, it was a crack in the ground, Jeff.

I mean, on our planet, we fix those.

Guys, can we please, please stop fighting?

Wasn't that, like, eight months ago?

How are you still holding on to this stuff?

I'm holding on to it because I actually have feelings, not like you guys, a bunch of cold-blooded Nazis.

Oh!

Oh, great.

Here we go again with the Nazi thing.

That's right, here we go.

You can't just compare everything you don't like to Nazis, Jeff.

It's lazy!

Of course you'd say that.

[chuckles] Everything seems lazy to a Nazi!

Call me Nazi one more time.

Oh, you see? You see?

Do it again.

Stop it! Stop it!

That's enough! [sobbing]

Sir, I'm sorry. I'm having trouble understanding you.

Did you say you wanted three burritos?

No, we want two churros.

Oh, I'll [bleep] kill you.

[all clamoring]

[horn honking]

[screams]

Come on!

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

all: ♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

And in the end, of course, the order got screwed up, and we ended up with 37 churros, which I had to pay for, as usual.

Oh, that sucks. Who are these friends of yours?

You know what? I hesitate to even call them friends.

More like three thankless mooches...

[cell phone buzzing and beeping]

Who do noth... Oh, [bleep].

[groaning]

Hello?

Uh, sorry. I'm at the hospital, sir.

I think I need a sick day.

Boop! Boop! Boop!

They think it might be shingles and...

Clear!

Huh?

Nurse, get me another scalpel!

I'm not losing another child.

Oh, we don't have a scalpel.

Okay, so I'll see you soon, sir.

Bye... bye now.

What the [bleep], man?

I'm sorry. I got caught up in the scenario.

Who asked for you to make noises at all?

I mean, who do you think are, Michael Winslow?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

So another thing these guys say is that I snap at people way too easily.

Can you believe that?

Hey, did you guys know that milk comes from a cow's nipples?

Blah! What?

It's just one unpleasant surprise after another on this [bleep]-hole planet.

Remember how sweet the air is back in Azuria?

Every breath is like a... a mouthful of sugar.

And the women.

Don't even get me started on the women.

They are...

Hello, Jeff.

Hi.

Excuse me, you're in my way.

Well, maybe you're in my way.

Did you ever think about that?

[mockingly] "Well, maybe you're in my way."

That's not what I sound like!

"Ever think about that?"

That's not what I sound like! You shut your mouth!

That is enough! We can't live like this.

Let's face it, guys.

We need therapy.

[mellow guitar music]

Many interpersonal problems arise because we're so caught up in ourselves.

We lose perspective of the bigger picture.

This machine will help you see beyond that, Jeff.

Well, why don't you use it on yourselves, then, if it's so great, huh?

[sighs]

[machine drones]

[moans]

Oh... wow.

[enchanting music]

♪ ♪

[gasps] Holy [bleep], that was amazing.

You see?

We're all connected in the vast web of life.

Now do you understand how important it is to let go of the petty and meaningless issues that...

Hey!

Huh?

That's my string cheese.

You want some? Get your own!

Jeff, are you serious?

This is, like, the cheapest [bleep] there is.

That's not the point. It's the principle.

Okay, we're gonna have to take this to the next level.

It's about time you realized how difficult you can be to deal with.

Shut up! I'm a delight to deal with.

You guys are the ones...

[all moaning]

Guys, are you okay?

Doing a lot better now that I found these bitching 'gos.

Uh, I thought you guys hated it when I jammed.

♪ Uh, oh, uh ♪

[bongo flourish]

[laughing] Man, that is one sick groove.

[both grunting rhythmically]

[scatting]

Hey, what... what's happening here?

Why are you guys acting so awesome?

[electronic music playing on radio]

That's my ideal bass tone there... not too crunchy, but still nice and fatty.

Totally.

Hey, bro, you wanna hit this?

Who do you think you're talking to, man? Of course.

Hey, guys! Check it out.

I'm an egghead!

[laughter]

Holy [bleep], that's by far the funniest thing that you've ever done, man.

[whooshing]

Okay, Jeff, experiment's over.

[groans] Why am I dizzy?

I hope dealing with three embodiments of yourself was an enlightening experience that allowed you to...

Aw, man, you guys suck again.

All right, that's it. This guy just doesn't get it.

It's moments like this I wonder what the heck we're even doing here, guys.

I mean, I could be back home with my family right now.

Well, hey, there's an idea.

Why don't you guys go home?

We could all obviously use a break from each other.

Might be good for us.

I-I have been pretty homesick.

And I haven't been laid in God knows how long.

Maybe that explains why you guys have been such insufferable dicks.

You're homesick. It makes perfect sense.

Why don't you take two weeks off?

Man, I just come up with the best ideas.

I think this is gonna be really good for you guys.

You can finally let go of all your neuroses and tension and...

Okay, Jeff, we get it.

Guy's a nightmare.

[ship whirring]

[sighs] All right.

Finally get the place to myself now.

I can actually get some things done.

[hard rock music]

[grunting]

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa, I've never seen it this busy in here.

This is crazy.

Okay.

So it looks like you have $137 in late fees.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's not an issue.

Are you new here? You just delete those.

Look, I can show you.

I'm sorry, sir. That's our policy.

Look, man, I used to work here back in the day, okay?

And I used to waive the fees for people all the time.

There's really no need to be a Nazi here.

I'm just doing my job, sir.

Funny. [laughs]

That's, uh, exactly what the Nazis said.

How dare you?

Can you seriously not see this from my perspective?

Wait a second.

♪ ♪

[grunts, sighs]

Hi. [laughs]

I'd like to rent these movies, please.

Sir, if you're not willing to pay the fee, then we won't be renting you any movies.

And good luck finding movies...

All right, let's see.

I think they press something like...

[whooshing]

Holy [bleep], what was that?

[groans]

Uh, I'm seeing some late fees here, but...

[laughs] I'll just go ahead and erase those for you.

It's real simple.

Boop!

Wow.

How very reasonable of you.

Easy now, Higgins.

We don't get another shot at this extraction for 70 years. Over.

Recalibrating sensors.

Adding 13 pounds of pressure.

[whooshing]

[groans]

Hey. Hey, can you guys see this?

Check it out!

[laughter]

That's hilarious!

Aw, [bleep].

[ship whirring]

Ah.

Ahh!

Hey, you there!

Give me three fried Zarflaps.

This one's on me, boys.

both: Mmm, mmm.

Oh, you know you've been gone too long when even the spaceport Zarflaps are this good.

[both laugh]

So true.

♪ Uh, oh, oh ♪

both: Oh!

Uh, sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, uh...

Excuse me, can I...

I'll just go right.

Oh! Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, sorry. I'm... I'm a little bit of a klutz.

No way.

"Lies, Deceit, and Betrayal: The Real Story of 9/11."

This looks awesome.

I know, right?

[gasps]

And "Ernest Saves Christmas"!

both: Classic!

Are you, like, a film critic or something?

You have the best taste ever.

Whoa-ho-ho! Looks like you have the best taste ever.

You know, I was just gonna go rub one out in the bathroom, but, uh, I don't know, you wanna just bone instead?

Hold on a second.

Women aren't attracted to me. What's going on here?

[metallic clanking]

Hey, honey, check it out.

I'm porking the car.

[laughs]

[grunts]

[laughs]

[gasps] That's my move.

Today in India, Swami Rivanda Duss broke his ten-month silent fast.

How do you feel, sir?

Uh, I'm [bleep] starving?

I could use about six pounds of steak nachos right here.

Know what I'm saying?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'd eat some nachos right now.

Oh, my God. Everyone's me.


What's up, ya animals?

all: Hey!

Sammy!

Have a drink on the house.

Let me tell you something.

You guys don't know how good you have it here, okay?

You got the best cocktails, the most incredible music, and the most beautiful women.

What's your name, gorgeous?

I've heard about you. Aren't you Sammy?

You're some kind of bad boy, aren't you?

Nah, no, no, no, no. I'm a scientist now.

I study a guy named Jeff.

He has diabetes.

Ooh, sounds fancy.

Zizzle, Bubbie!

Oh, come here, you two.

Oh... [smooching]

[both hissing]

Oh, you're even more adorable than I remembered.

[ship whirring]

Baby, I'm back!

I thought you were coming in tomorrow.

Mm, no, it's today.

Hey, bud!

Ooh, I like the cool new look you got going on there.

Whatever.

Hey, I got you something.

Humans use it to clean their teeth.

Great, well, I don't know what the hell teeth are, but they sound lame!

Oh, did you remember to bring a rent check this time?

[sighs] Yeah.

Oh, God, no... [mutters indistinctly]

Gotta undo this. Gotta undo this.

[groans] What's...

Come on! Come on!

[machine whirs]

[screams] Oh, no!

Oh, no, damn it! What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Oh, God. [panting]

Oh.

You know what? This isn't so bad, all right?

The guys will be back in two weeks.

They'll set everything back to normal.

I'm not going to let this ruin my vacation.

Oh, Ernest. Trusty old Ernest.

If anybody can put me at ease, you can.

Hey, Ernest, someone dropped the Christmas goose in the toilet.

Ewww.

[laughs]

Now, that is the funniest jaw of all time.

[singsongy] Still haven't gotten a kiss yet.

Oh, not now, honey.

Oh. Oh, okay.

I-I just, you know, missed you a lot, and I just thought maybe you...

Yeah, look, I've missed you too, but I'm not in the mood!

Okay. Okay, that's fine.

I'll go make us some chambourgulon.

[groaning]

[yelps cheerfully]

Hey, slugger, how you doing?

Fine.

Cool. Cool.

So I was thinking maybe today we could do something super fun and see the Port City Zangles play some ball.

What do you say?

I hate sports. They suck!

B-but I thought you might...

Look, you can't just come back and pretend to be everyone's best friend, okay, Dad?

Wh-wh-what do you mean? You're my...

And by the way, I'm not a jock, Dad.

I'm obviously a Znorver, but you wouldn't know that because you're never here!

Oh, boy.

[relaxing opera music playing]

[sighs]

This is bliss.

So this guy, Jeff... he's the most important guy on the entire planet.

It's... it's very meaningful work.

Ooh.

But that's what you get with me, a hardworking, high-profile, humble scientist...

[groans]

[gasps]

Well, if it isn't Sammy, the biggest piece of [bleep] in the galaxy.

We want our [bleep] money, Sammy!

Uh, sorry. Uh, excuse me.

Whoa, no, no, no, where you going?

[sighs] Great. Thanks a lot, guys.

Now I'm gonna have orange balls all night.

[groans]

And when folded, the $20 bill shows a clear image of the towers in flames.

Whoa.

Damn, this was supposed to last me two weeks.

[people clamoring]

Oh, no.

[all arguing]

Give me... give...

[all arguing]

Ah! There's no food!

We're all gonna die!

Hey, man, what's going on here?

Dude, guess everyone's been getting super baked and eating way more than usual.

And then no delivery drivers showed up 'cause I guess they all got sick with shingles.

[gasps]

What are the odds, right?

Daddy, are we gonna starve?

No, little boy. Nobody's gonna starve.

We all just need to keep it together for about another week, and everything is going to be just fine, okay?

We're [bleep].

You're telling me the whole country's out of food?

Like, how did this even happen, man?

Steve, I'm talking to you!

Sorry, Madam President.

I was just thinking that it was kind of funny that we're joint chiefs of staff and we're all smoking a joint.

[both laugh]

Yeah, okay, that is pretty funny, but let's focus up here.

Turn off the music.

Okay, so the whole country's out of food.

We just need... [gasps] I got it.

Jerry, what's the best food in the world?

Mexican food, ma'am, hands down. [laughs]

Exactly. Get me Mexico.

[laughing] Yeah, yeah, yeah?

And then the guy turns to his friend, and he says, "Butthole?

You damn near killed him!"

[laughs] What?

Oh! Sorry, sorry. He says, "Rectum."

Oh!

[both laugh]

Oh, Mr. President, I could do this all day, but look, the reason I'm calling is to put in a little order for some Mexican food.

Uh, nothing crazy.

Just, like, 6 million quesadillas.

What?

Uh, 12 million chicken tacos.

Ooh, and what about Mexican pizzas?

Hey, wait, wait. Uh, Ma... Madam President, uh, you can't just call me up and be like, uh, "I am a fat American, and I want a billion tacos."

Whoa! What?

You're the one that was like, "I'm the president of Mexico, and I don't understand jokes."

No, no, no, I just need you to not screw up the punch line.

You're like...

[both blabbering indistinctly]

[dramatic news music]

My fellow Americans, I tried to speak reasonably with the Mexicans, but there is no reasoning with Nazis, so we're going to war, baby!

[people cheering]

Time to get those Nazis!

Oh, [bleep].

[horn honks]

Come on, come on!

What are you doing? What is going on here?

Why can't anybody drive?

Oh, yeah.

How the hell am I gonna get in there?

Let's go live now to the U.N., where the Mexican and American ambassadors are trying to figure this [bleep] out, man.

Well, the U.S. has been very aggressive...

Not as bad as you!

Petty...

Not as bad as you.

Oh, [bleep] off, Martha.

Oh, Jesus.

No, you [bleep] off, Jose.

No!

It's incredible how thin-skinned these people are, you know, and how personally they take everything.

Is that supposed to be a dig at me, Jim?

'Cause you're the one who's always been bitching...

[all arguing]

Thin-skinned.

Hey, uh, excuse me.

Sir, this is an unauthorized area.

I don't know if you're friends with that guy, but, uh, he's telling everybody you, uh, suck a lot.

What? Lewis said that?

That piece of [bleep].

Hey, Lewis!

So, uh, on Earth, everybody carries a phone.

And they use it all the time, for everything.

Like, they're always...

News flash, Dad!

No one cares!

[sighs]

Now, now, Znarx, you shouldn't talk to your father that way, but, sweetie, maybe you could try to tell some more interesting stories, you know what I mean?

But, I mean, th-those are my stories...

Hello!

Ah, Zerk!

Oh, hey, Zerk.

Hey, hey, hey, let me feel those muscles.

You've been working out, huh? Look at you!

Aw, man, I...

Oh, sorry.

Didn't... didn't see you there, boss.

Uh, you must be Jimmy.

Yes.

Uh, this is Zerk.

He's a new neighbor.

He's been helping us out while you've been gone with, uh, repairs and stuff.

Yeah? Like what kind of repairs?

Well, I fixed the bathtub last week.

Now two people can fit in it.

Why would you need that?

You know what? I'll come back another time.

Good to meet you, Jimmy. Later, Junior.

I'll see you soon.

[giggles] Yeah.

[whimpers]

[mellow guitar music]

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Now, that's what I call a fruit salad.

[groans] Guys, this is my vacation.

You know, I always said if Sammy ever showed his weaselly little cheating, no-good, grifting ass around here again, I'd cut his little purple nipples off, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

[stammers] Wait. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Don't you see? I'm a different person now.

You can trust me.

If you just untie me, I swear I'll get you all the money I owe you.

All right.

There.

Thank you.

Ah! [bleep] you, mother[bleep]. La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

[bombs whistling through air, explosions]

Ay! Dios mio!

Boom!

[laughs]

Holy [bleep], that was awesome.

Oh, you better serve up those quesadillas, mi amigo, or we're gonna nuke your faces off.

You don't got the balls!

Oh, yeah?

This is the president speaking.

The launch code is Gamma, Tango, Zulu, Tango...

Wait, no!

Huh?

Stop! We don't have to go to war, okay?

We all just need to calm down... [groans]

You think you know how to run the country better than me?

You think I'm a loser?

What?

No, this isn't about... [groans]

You want me to totally waste this guy, Madam President?

Please say yes. Please say yes.

No, I wanna beat the [bleep] out of this guy myself.

[grunts]

[groans]

Don't you see? You're being a thin-skinned maniac who takes everything personally.

Just like me!

[grunts]

[groans]

Ah, that was just what I needed.

I've never felt more refreshed in my life.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was good to see the family.

All right, let's go, go, go!

Huh? Whoa, okay, take it easy!

[blasters firing]

[crash]

Oh, no.

All right, nice try. Out of the ship.

Come on. Come on.

W-we don't want any trouble, now.

You too, buddy.

Listen.

I've had a really rough couple days, okay?

Just shut your mouth and...

[screaming]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[yells]

Nobody [bleep] my wife, okay?

Jeez, take it easy, buddy! You made your point!

I'm so sick of being disrespected!

[sobs]

Dad?

Znarx?

Y-you didn't see that, did you?

Uh, what are you doing here?

Mom... Mom sent me because you forgot to leave a rent check, but...

[laughing] That was awesome!

I didn't realize I had such a cool dad.

Really? You think I'm cool?

Cooler than Zerk, Dad.

Cooler than Zerk.

Oh, Znarx, come here!

[gurgling] Kill me.

Please kill me.

[ship whirring]

I am so glad to be off that [bleep]-hole planet.

What the...

Looks like Jeff must have monkeyed around with the therapy machine.

[beeping]

[whooshing]

Suck my [bleep], you [bleep]!

[whooshing]

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I...

Wait a minute. Who are you?

Oh, [bleep].

[panting]

Ugh, smells like marijuana and... body odor in here.

Oh, I missed you guys so much.

Easy, buddy!

And you were right. I'm the one with the issues.

I'm a maniac!

Hey, hey, hey.

Let's just never fight again.

Court-martial proceedings began for disgraced astronaut Sayeed Higgins, whose lowbrow joke cost NASA $7 billion and 40 years' worth of research.

I am deeply ashamed.

I don't know what came over me and...

Steak nachos?

I ate steak nachos?

I have desecrated my soul for 1,000 lifetimes.

Mmm, nachos.

Hey, you guys want to get some Mexican food?

Hell yeah, we do!

Cut!

Uh, I thought you guys hated it when I jammed.

♪ Uh, oh, uh ♪

[bongo flourish]

[laughing] Man, that is one sick groove.

[both grunting rhythmically]

[scatting]

Hey, what... what's happening here?

Why are you guys acting so awesome?