[BETTY] Previously on Riverdale...
- Dude, what are you doing?
- What we've been doing all summer.
My dad is right over there.
He's the new RROTC instructor.
Excuse me, Major Mason? I'm hoping it's not too late to join?
[LOUDLY] Can I get another bartender in here, please?
- Hey, Toby! Toby! I know him.
[JOSIE] Listen up, Andrews, you are in free fall, and I am not having it.
You broke the code. Turn in your jackets and go.
[TONI] Are you serious, Jones?
I'm a Serpent by blood. You can't take that away from me.
[VERONICA] I think my mom may have hired someone to shoot my father, so that she could make a profit from the sale of his drug operation.
We're gonna destroy them before my mom sells everything.
[HERMIONE] What the hell did you do?
My buyer is coming, Veronica, and they are gonna want blood.
[DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[JUGHEAD] Riverdale is like Bizarrotown, where murder, mystery, and candy drugs aren't the exception, they're the norm.
You forget sometimes that people are still just living their lives.
Doing things as ordinary as getting married.
What do you mean, you don't want a big wedding?
Well, we just finalized our divorces, Kevin, and this is a second marriage for both of us.
And with everything that's going on in Riverdale...
Yeah, we just wanna go down to Town Hall and just keep it simple.
If I may?
We fully disagree.
But we're not the ones getting married, so we respect your decision.
As long as you let us throw you an after-party at La Bonne Nuit.
If there's no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.
Okay, but a small one.
Fabulous. I'll send out invites today.
Cadet Keller, ladies, how are you all doing?
We're good. Thank you.
Actually, we've got some news.
Tom and I are finally tying the knot, and these two are throwing us an after-party downstairs.
You and Moose can be our first invites.
How 'bout it?
I'll... check my calendar, Sierra.
What's his deal?
Marcus and I used to be good friends. We did RROTC together, but we just grew apart.
It's probably the jealousy.
Marcus always had a crush on me, as you know, but I only had eyes for you.
- Oh, lucky me.
- [SIERRA CHUCKLES]
It feels so good to sleep in a real bed, doesn't it?
Far away the rural horrors of tent city.
Well, I don't miss the cold or the mud, that's true. But...
I don't know, I miss the game, babe.
[CELL PHONES CHIMING]
Oh, my God. Our SAT scores.
I pray mine are good enough for Highsmith College.
The women of my family have gone there for generations.
I don't indent to break Blossom tradition.
Much like desert hearts, my score's not perfect, but it's close.
How'd you fare, T.T.?
As I've always known you to be.
Since you two vigilantes took it upon yourselves to burn all the Fizzle Rocks that I had already sold, you are gonna come up with the money to pay back what's owed.
How are we supposed to do that?
I'd start with the speakeasy's coffers.
We don't make nearly enough to pay off whatever kingpin you're working with, Mom.
Well, then I suggest you get creative, mija.
The buyer, who has a reputation for being dangerously unhinged, is on their way to Riverdale, and they're looking to get paid back in full for the drugs they are not getting.
Who is this buyer?
You don't need to know.
They're sending an intermediary.
How much money are we talking about, Mrs. Lodge?
And suddenly, I'm in an episode of Ozark.
But you are in the big leagues now, and it is time to sink or swim.
[CHERYL] Furthermore, I've successfully balanced my duties as Captain of the River Vixens and president of the student body whilst maintaining a . GPA,
perfect attendance, and achieving an almost perfect SAT score.
For these reasons, I believe I'm an exemplary candidate for Highsmith College.
Not to mention, I'm legacy.
You are, Ms. Blossom. However, most recently, Highsmith College's Board of Directors have decided it's time to diversify our student body with women from outside the alumni pool.
This is a new initiative?
I'm afraid so, but long overdue, don't you agree?
I'm just imagining which board member in particular suddenly developed a conscience.
[EXHALES] Hey, I need to ask you something.
- Will you be my date to my dad's wedding?
I know, it's a public event, and you haven't come out to your dad yet, but maybe it's time?
I mean, how long have we been together?
- Since summer started.
- So practically forever.
And I love the clandestine grope as much as the next gay guy, but we've never even spent a proper night together.
You don't think I want to?
So do it, just talk to your dad.
- Major Mason.
I told you they were in here, sir.
Cadet Mason, Cadet Keller.
The meeting with the Naval Academy recruitment officer is about to start, so, on the double.
I'm sorry, Kev, I can't.
Hey, Sweet Pea.
I hope you don't mind me dropping by like this.
I'm always happy to see you, Josie.
Especially if this is...
- A booty call?
Wouldn't be the first one we've had since our summer fling ended.
Well, it's not.
Um, I don't know if you've heard, but my mom is getting married to Kevin's dad, and I wanted to know if you would be my date to the wedding.
As your boyfriend?
Does it have to be so official?
I like you.
And I would be with you, all in with you, in a second, but you sliding into my life whenever you don't wanna be alone...
I'm not built that way.
Maybe that makes me needy, but I just...
I gotta get off this merry-go-round with you.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
So, this is the infamous Maple Club.
And no surprise it's as cheap and callow as your efforts to sabotage my admission to your alma mater.
I spoke to the headmistress at Highsmith College.
She enlightened me about a certain new policy that seems designed specifically to keep me from attending.
I can't think of anyone else who would stoop so low, Mumsy.
Care to explain?
The hallowed halls of Highsmith shall not be polluted by someone of your alignment.
You are an aberration.
And I'm so sure the alumni newsletter would be thrilled to profile a twice-widowed dominatrix with a proclivity for poison.
With the hefty financial gifts I've bestowed upon them over the years,
I doubt they would bat an eye.
Now, accept it, Cheryl.
This is the price of salt.
Your presence shall not besmirch Highsmith.
The charges against you are very serious.
Oh, wow, what do you suggest?
I could request an injunction.
[CHUCKLES] I think I'd like to go straight to trial.
Where you going?
I am having a little snack, before having my other snack.
What is it?
"Fair Sierriana, Friar Thomas, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
If you wish to live to see this blessed event, you must reunite with your Midnight Club to... [GASPS]
To complete Ascension Night once and for all."
"Tell no one, or your children will pay the price.
Best wishes, The Gargoyle King."
Well, someone looks like they could use an epaulette to cry on.
I'm not trying to carb-shame you, Kevin, but, whatever's on your mind, it's not worth it.
So, put down the Swizzler and tell me your tale of woe.
I could use the distraction.
Well, there's this guy, and we've been having problems...
Moose, you mean?
Please, I have eyes.
I saw you lounging together at my pool party, looking like a community theater production of The Talented Mr. Ripley.
The Koose ship's been trouble from the gay get-go.
Maybe it's time you move on.
I can't go back to Fox Forest.
Oh, sullen, tenderhearted Kevin.
I'm not talking about cruising, I'm talking about Bumble.
I'm sure you can find a well-adjusted, handsome, out and proud fella here.
That'd be nice.
But I like Moose a lot.
I just wish he'd be honest with his dad, so we could date.
You know, openly.
- What's his hang-up?
- Major Mason's not the biggest fan of our persuasion.
It burns me that there are people in this town that still believe that being gay is anything less than rapturous.
Maybe Moose would come out if he liked me more.
No. It's not your fault, Kevin.
Your aesthetic may be firmly rooted in the s, but you're a catch in any decade.
As for the object of your affection, maybe he just needs the subtlest of nudges?
A bulldozer wouldn't be enough.
Attention, students, it's time for the daily announcements.
As Riverdale High's first openly lesbian Student Body President, I'm announcing the launch of a new club, an LGBTQIA Alliance,
with the mission to find and support our fellow queer and questioning students.
In that spirit, this week's blind item will be on theme.
A certain oh-so-hunky, all-American RROTC cadet is afraid to come out of the closet.
Well, let's show this cadet that Riverdale High is welcoming, so and his Broadway-loving boyfriend can finally PDA like the other sex-crazed couples dwelling amongst us.
Also, for lunch today we're having Shepherd's Pie. Thank you.
[MOOSE] Did you put Cheryl up to that?
What, her not-so-blind item? Of course not.
I'm opposed to publicly outing people unless they're conservative politicians.
Have people guessed it's you?
- I don't know. Maybe.
- Moose, putting aside what Cheryl did, we've been together for a while now, and I can't keep playing Brokeback Riverdale with someone who's in the closet.
Either you come out to your dad or, I'm sorry, but we're breaking up.
Either way, I'll respect your decision.
What the hell were you thinking?
Just now? About the sweet, sweet revenge I'm gonna get on Mumsy.
Hopefully with a little help from you and your trusty camera, O shutterbug of my dreams.
- You just outed Moose.
- No, I didn't.
It was a blind item, Toni. For all anyone knows, I wasn't ever referring to him.
Moose's father could have heard that announcement.
Oh, my God, is this our first fight?
Cheryl, get some perspective!
Did you know that my uncle hated the fact that I dated girls?
That's why the Serpents were so important to me.
They were like my nonjudgmental family.
And now I don't have them.
Toni, I'm sorry.
- I didn't realize...
- Of course you didn't.
Because you're too busy being Cheryl, causing chaos regardless of the consequences.
Look, babe, I get that you're mad at your mom, and you're pissed that you're not going to some hoity-toity college that I could never get into or afford...
- If it's about money...
- Cheryl, just stop and listen to me!
Highsmith College was your legacy.
The Serpents were mine.
Now they're not.
I'll fix this.
- What part?
- All of it.
You are the most important person in my life.
I'll do whatever it takes to make all these things right.
But I may need your help.
- Archie, hey.
- Am I interrupting?
There's a recruiter from Julliardholding local auditions and my slot's this afternoon.
Well, if you're nervous, don't be. You're gonna kill it.
Ha! If could even get there.
It's at Seaside, and I just assumed that Sweet Pea would give me a ride, but I didn't even get a chance to ask him.
Wait, are you guys...
No, I ended it, so that I could focus on my music.
Which is what I always do.
So much so that I've pushed everyone away.
And I can't ask my mom for a ride because she doesn't even know that I have this audition.
Because if she knew, and I didn't do well at it, she'd start asking me about my backup plans, which I don't have.
Let me take you.
I got the jalopy.
Just remember this moment though, when you're accepting your Best New Artist Grammy, okay?
[REGGIE] What's up, Ronnie?
We're officially dead.
That, or we're about to have our kneecaps broken, courtesy of whoever this mystery buyer is.
Does that really happen?
I've combined my liquid funds from Pop's and La Bonne Nuit.
We're not even a quarter of the way there.
Is robbing banks still a thing?
Although the thought of being Bonnie to your Clyde is intriguing, banks have round-the-clock security guards with guns.
Yeah, but if they're anything like my dad's lame-ass security guards...
Holy crap! I'm a genius.
My dad keeps cash in his safe at the dealership.
Enough to make up the difference probably.
I'm not gonna let you steal from your own family.
That dealership is my legacy, so technically, I'd be borrowing money from my future self.
And everything is insured, so my dad will get a sweet payout.
Which is more than he deserves for all the shiners he's given me over the years.
This is lunacy.
But it might be inspired lunacy.
How would we get it all done?
My dad's security guard is only on duty at night, after closing. So, I'd hit the lot during the day, probably lunchtime, when my dad is usually at Pop's with a customer, trying to close a sale.
You could wear a Gargoyle mask, so as not to get recognized.
And I, of course, would come with you, as we're in this mess together.
You can be my baby driver.
Just, please, don't scratch my car.
So we all received letters then, to finish Ascension Night?
This was taped to my trailer.
Mine came to the dealership.
Thought you caught the Gargoyle King, FP?
Tall Boy was using the game as a cover to deal drugs, but he wasn't the one running around, setting up chalices back when we were in high school.
We're not really taking this seriously, are we?
I think we have to assume that this is real, if only for our kids' sake.
And then what?
I mean, we're just supposed to leave them home alone all night while we run around pretending to be teenagers again?
May I remind you what happened last Ascension Night?
Someone ended up dead.
We don't have any choice in the matter.
We all know why this is happening again, and now.
Two members of the original Midnight Club are daring to get married, to be happy, and the Gargoyle King, whoever or whatever he is, wants to destroy that. He is a vicious and petty god, and if we don't finish the game now, the Gargoyle King is never gonna leave us alone.
Yeah, maybe if we do this, we catch the son of a bitch.
There's only one problem...
The letter says we all have to participate.
I'll talk to Hiram.
All right, well, it's settled then.
We finish the game we started.
All right, then.
Whenever you're ready.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Oh, my God, Reggie, were you shot?
I got the money, but turns out there was security after all.
- Well, are you okay...
- Drive! Drive!
[CHERYL] Thanks for your help, Toni.
Just remember your promise to me.
Don't worry, babe, I have a mega plan, and this is only step one.
Operation Fifty Shades of Blackmail is underway.
What in God's name are you Jezebels doing here?
Whatever mad, Sapphic caper you're on,
I won't have you jeopardize my thriving business.
Step down from the Highsmith College Board and revoke your ban on my admittance, or we'll go public with these photos of your sorry clientele.
[SCOFFS] I am far from ashamed of my work, Cheryl.
Need I remind you that blackmail is far more illegal than anything that goes on at the Maple Club, all of which is consensual.
How will your clients feel once we publish their names and photos?
Don't test us, Mumsy.
We know how to dominate too.
[ARCHIE] Did it come through?
- [JOSIE] Um...
- Come on, what's it say?
"Unfortunately, we are unable to invite you to callbacks this year."
I'm sorry, Josie.
I know I'm biased, Archie, but I think I killed that audition.
I sang my heart out, and it still wasn't enough.
Then, they're crazy.
- They don't deserve you.
- I've given so much to this, and all along I've been saying, "It's okay, it'll be worth it." I've built up so many walls to focus on this one thing, and now...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- And I'm alone.
- you're not alone.
- I am.
I can't even get a date to my mom's wedding.
That speaks volumes.
I'll do it.
What? Be my date?
I've been alone these last few months, either literally or feeling like I'm from Mars, and it sucks.
So, maybe I can help you feel a little less alone.
[REGGIE] I can't believe I was shot.
You sure you don't wanna go to a doctor, Reggie?
Nah, it's just a graze.
Besides, now I can say I've been shot.
Except you can't, since we want everyone to believe that the Gargoyle gang robbed your father's dealership.
Let's see how much money we just comped.
And pray it's enough.
What? A dye pack?
Oh, hell. We're screwed.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
I did it. I told my dad.
What? You did? How'd it go?
He was quiet and weird at first, but then okay, I think.
We went to Pop's afterwards and got chicken pot pie.
Which is a good sign, right?
I am so proud of you, Moose.
Does that mean you'll be my date to the wedding?
Yeah. And more importantly,
I think we should do it. Spend the night together.
Only question is where?
Don't worry. I know the perfect spot where no one will interrupt us.
Well, in a fortuitous turn of events, Ms. Blossom, Highsmith College's policy not to admit legacy candidates has been reconsidered. So, we may proceed with our interview.
Respectfully, Headmistress Patricia, I know you only perform a limited number of these one-on-ones.
With my qualifications, legacy status or not, I'm obviously a shoo-in.
Therefore, I'd like to cede my time to another unquestionably worthy candidate.
Ms. Antoinette Topaz, future photojournalist and Nobel Peace Prize recipient.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Headmistress.
Knock 'em dead, babe.
And remember, this is only step two.
Uh, yes, please. Have a seat.
- Do you have your portfolio with you?
- [TONI] Yes, I do.
Whoever you are, please be chill.
Oh, great. More teenagers.
Here's your money. Or as much as we could get of it.
Veronica Lodge, I presume?
I can't believe your mom sent you out here to sort out her mess.
Hey, I know she's cutthroat but, man, that's cold as ice.
Sorry, are we supposed to know you?
I'm Gladys Jones.
You might know my kid, Jughead?
You're Jughead's mom?
Mrs. Jones, if you could give us a little more time, I know we can get you the rest of the money.
Just please don't break our kneecaps.
I gotta say, I do admire the fact that you two came out here knowing you were short.
Shows you know how to take responsibility.
Look at the two of you.
You kind of remind me a little bit of me and FP back in the day.
So, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna be sticking around for a while.
So, I will take your money, but I'm gonna have to charge you a fee, because I'm gonna need to get it laundered.
- Every which way.
And then, we'll figure out a payment plan for the rest.
But, in exchange, you're gonna lend me those sweet wheels.
Please, Mrs. Jones, Reggie loves that car.
Then I'll make sure I take real good care of her.
Oh, wait, one more thing. Just as a favor, don't tell Jughead about our business.
I mean, if you do, I'm gonna have to tell
Hiram about his missus going behind his back for a cut, and that'd be bad for all of us.
[CHERYL] Greetings, Moose.
What the hell, Cheryl? What do you what?
Outing you was wrong for so many reasons.
It's a personal decision that I shouldn't have taken from you.
And that's step three. Bon appétit.
I'm not saying what you did was right, but it kind of turned out okay.
I'm out to my dad now.
And Kevin and I, we...
We're finally gonna do it.
Tonight, in some secret bunker.
Well, well, well, Moose.
In that case, I'd bring a fresh set of sheets, if I were you.
A lot of people have had s*x on that cot.
[FP] Feels like we never left.
'Cause we never did.
All right, the Gargoyle King wants us to finish Ascension Night, so we better start by finding the chalices, then we flip for our fates and drink up. Game over.
You want us to drink poison?
Not quite. Penelope, did you bring them?
The antidote to cyanide.
Drink it now, you'll be inoculated for the next several hours.
Oh, come on.
All right, let's get these chalices and get this over with.
Should we wait for the Lodges?
We're already here, Sierra.
Friends, good to see you again.
Although I'm certain not all of you feel the same way.
Well, I sure as hell don't.
But we're here on a mission, so let's get after it.
[ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYING]
I know. Candles, it's dumb.
Nah, I get it.
Girl's bathroom is clear.
That's where I found the chalices before.
- Did you check the trophy case?
- Yeah, we did. Nothing.
We searched the student lounge, the closet where we found Featherhead...
Second floor is clear.
- So is the cafeteria.
- And the library.
I don't understand. The objective was simple.
Return to school, find the chalices, finish the game.
What aren't we seeing?
Wait a minute, where's Penelope?
Penelope, what is it?
The hell does it mean?
It's a prank, and we've been played.
Or... it's just another iteration of the game.
And what the Gargoyle King wanted all along, to distract us
- and lure us away from...
- Our kids.
- [STRUMMING GUITAR]
- [CELL PHONES BUZZING]
- Hey, Dad.
- Josie, where are you?
- I'm rehearsing with Archie.
What's going on?
Archie, lock the doors, do not let anybody in the house.
It's locked, Dad. What's wrong?
[CELL PHONES RINGING]
- Crap, it's my dad.
- My mom's calling me, too.
Do you think he knows about the dealership?
- What's up, Dad?
[CELL PHONES BUZZING]
- It's my dad.
- It's my mom.
- Hi, Mom.
- Betty, where are you?
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
It's my hateful mother.
- Why are you calling, night hag?
- Cheryl, just do what I say.
Keep your bow close.
Josie is with Archie at Fred's.
- Veronica's with Reggie.
- Kevin's not picking up.
Cheryl, you don't know where the Keller boy is, do you?
[KEVIN] It's funny.
Part of me thought this was never gonna happen.
I'm glad it did.
Betty, if that's you, I reserved the bunker for tonight.
What the hell is this?
- Who are you guys?
- What are doing?
- [MOOSE] Let go of me! Get your hand off me.
- Oh, my God. No!
Oh, my God, Moose, no!
Oh, my God.
What do you want?
Please. Please, let us go.
They want us to flip for our fate.
We're not doing that.
We're not playing your sick game, okay?
If we don't, they'll kill us.
- I'll go first. I'll go first!
- No, Kev...
Is this what you want?
Will this make you happy?
- [POLICE SIREN WAILS]
- [OFFICER] Drop the weapons!
- Don't move! Don't move!
They're from the RROTC?
[FP] Let's cut to the bone, Mason.
Are you the Gargoyle King?
There was no poison in those chalices.
I was just... scaring them.
Right. Scaring them straight?
You set out to abduct and terrorize your own kid.
How'd you talk your cadets into helping?
I made it a quest.
The Gargoyle King told them their brothers needed help.
When you are weak, I am weak.
The RROTC was the same way when Tom Keller and I were in high school.
Back then, us cadets did everything together,
and no one was closer than me and my best friend,
Until I tried to kiss him.
When my parents found out about my inclinations,
they sent me to the Sisters, to get help for my...
weakness of character.
That's where I first met the King,
and where I started playing Gryphons and Gargoyles,
which I later learned Tommy played too with his Midnight Club.
The Sisters cured me of impure thoughts.
I became strong, as I have been all these years.
But then, I heard Tom and Sierra were getting married just as my own son Moose told me he was seeing Tom's boy, who looks just like Tommy did.
You wanted... to destroy what you couldn't have.
The Sisters scared you with the Gargoyle King, so you thought you'd do the same... to Moose and Kevin.
Man, the Sisters did a number on you.
Tall Boy was using the costume to sell drugs, but Major Mason was using it to, what, scare his kid?
We keep taking down Gargoyle Kings, and they keep popping up again.
It's like playing Whac-A-Mole.
Yeah, but the true Gargoyle King, if there even is an ur-King, is still at large.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk last time.
No, that's all right, sweetheart. It's okay.
- Nice hat.
- You, too.
What are you guys doing here?
I think what you meant to say is, "Welcome home."
We're always happy to see you, Gladys.
Just, uh, wish you had called and told us you were coming to visit.
Visit? Nah, me and JB are here to stay awhile.
[JOSIE] In the end, our folks got the wedding they wanted.
The four of us, at Town Hall.
They said it didn't feel right having a party after everything.
So, what now?
Well, after everything that Kevin and Moose just went through, not getting into Julliard doesn't seem like such a big deal.
Honestly, I... I don't know.
Just take it day by day.
That's what I'm doing, too.
And the bummer is, I was gonna suggest we sing together, Josie.
So, why can't we?
♪ I always wanted to see the lights of Broadway ♪
♪ I always wanted to hear the traffic roar ♪
♪ I always wanted to be a part of New York City's great big heart ♪
♪ And now I am I couldn't ask for more ♪
♪ People like us we get through the day ♪
♪ Survive in the city way better than most ♪
♪ We go through the motions from nightcap to nightcap ♪
♪ Here but not here with the heart of a ghost ♪
♪ People like us we meet up some night ♪
♪ In a room full of strangers who call themselves friends ♪
♪ It feels like a dream but it's too hard to tell ♪
♪ Where the dream begins and the real world ends ♪
♪ And where ♪
♪ Where do we belong? ♪
I'm glad it was too late to cancel the cake.
I love you, Sierra.
I love you, Tommy.
[MOOSE] I can't stay, Kev.
I just... I came to tell you that.
I'm, uh, I'm moving to Glendale to stay with my aunt.
Moose, your friends are here, and I'm here,
- and you can live with any of us.
I can't live here.
At least not for a little while.
I'm gonna miss you, Marmaduke.
I'm gonna miss you, Kevin Keller.
It's so messed up what Major Mason did.
It's the Sisters' conversion therapy. It twisted his soul.
Well, I'm glad we got you out of that hellhole when we did.
I'll never forget the day you saved me, T.T.
And, since you've done so much for me, I wanted to do something for you.
Call it step four.
A gang. If you want it.
You said you were missing having the Serpents as a family, so I found some other girls who were looking for support or community, or just good old-fashioned fisticuffs, and I thought maybe, we could start a new family?
Cheryl, this is the most badass and romantic thing you've ever done.
[GIRL CLEARS THROAT]
Uh... Do we have a name yet?
How about the Pretty Poisons?
Pretty by day, poison by night.
I love it.
[HERMIONE] You said you have an update for me?
Yeah, but first...
You could have told us that the secret buyer was Jughead's mom.
Wait, Gladys showed up?
[SIGHS] I assumed that she would have sent one of her deputies scurrying up from Toledo.
Nope. And about Toledo, Mom, I've got some news for you.
I don't think Gladys is leaving anytime soon.
Everything's going just how you said, Mom.
I've got Dad wrapped around my pinky.
You're his weakness, baby.
Which means, we got the whole town, JB.
Your old man's the sheriff, the mayor owes us serious cash. Hell, even her daughter's working for me now.
Oh, yeah, we moved to the right place at the right time.
I could feel it.
♪ Where ♪
♪ Where do we belong? ♪
Can I kiss you?