05x10 - Chapter Eighty-Six: The Pincushion Man

This one's for all you night owls burning the candle at both ends.

Stay hungry, my friends.

Oh, this one is one of my all-time favorites.

- Duran Duran?

Top five for me.

- Sure.

♪ Night is a wire ♪ ♪ Steam in the subway Earth is afire ♪ ♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do Do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪


♪ Woman, you want me Give me a sign ♪ ♪ And catch my breathing... ♪ - Sorry.

Um, I should...

I should go...

- Uh, I...

I'll go.


I have school tomorrow, so I gotta...

- Yeah.

- ...get to those damn kids.



I will see you later, then.

Hey, I was thinking, since I'm in town, might be nice to get to know your family better.

Well, with Polly missing, my mom is pretty much my family, and the twins.

Um, but I wanted to tell you, I asked Jughead Jones to meet us at the FBI office.

He's been helping me with the case.


This is an official FBI investigation now?

No Jugheads allowed.

Tell him.


So what is your strategy, moving forward?

The Lonely Highway is miles long.

How many rest stops are along it?

How many stretches of beaches or marsh?

- How many cul de sacs...

- Okay.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

There's ground to cover, so let's start covering it.

We already have.

I've got ten agents on the Lonely Highway, searching every... every lot, field and ditch.

Okay, so shouldn't I be canvassing with them?


I need your expertise here with something I'm surprised you haven't brought up yet.

Your father.

Look, some of the remains date back to when he was still alive...

and actively killing people.

But there have been murders since he died.

We... we should be looking for someone in their s or older.

Or you buy my theory that it's an assortment of killers.

- [sighs]

- What if your dad was one of many?

What exactly do you want me to be doing?

Didn't your father undergo extensive analysis while he was at the Sherwood Asylum?


Well, let's start with reviewing those tapes.

Parent-Teacher Night is always a nerve-racking event, but this one is truly make-it-or-break-it for us.

We need to show the parents that we can educate and protect their kids during these troubled times.

Archie, I'd like you to join Kevin in giving tours of the school.

Good idea.

With Toni out on bed rest for pregnancy, we're short on tour guides.

I can do that.

Oh, Chadwick, since you finally picked up, does this mean you've signed the divorce papers?

No, Veronica, I'm your husband, and you're my wife.

And what we went through binds us for life.

You know that.

For God's sake, Chad, stop wasting my time and sign the damn papers.

Cheryl Blossom, have you lured me out here to seduce me?

- Hmm.

- [chuckles]

- May have, Minerva.

- [chuckles]

But it's also time to harvest our sweet, sweet sap, which will in turn become this year's bounty of maple syrup.

What is it?

I'm shooketh.

Our maple trees have always provided.

This is your fault.

You are not meant to be happy.

The curse won't allow it.

Some maple groves will be nothing but a burden on us, barren.

We must pray for deliverance.

The only praying that needs to happen is for sanity, which you seem to be sorely lacking.

Ta-ta, Nana.

[cell phone ringing]

Samm, what's the good word?

I got great news, pal.

Pop Culture Weekly wants to publish an excerpt from your new book.

Wow, that's great exposure.

What are we sending them?

Uh, that's the rub.

Pop Culture Weekly wants something more...

sensational than what you've been writing about.

Yeah, aliens as a metaphor for trauma.

I'm still trying to get underneath that.


But listen, they usually give their slot to Stephen King.

You know, maybe you could try channeling him instead of Raymond Carver.

Bye, Jones.


You betrayed me at that football game.

Mr. Lodge, you're right.

It won't happen again.

You have my loyalty.

That's a lovely, mea culpa, but that football game sparked some life to the former town of Riverdale.

You can feel its broken spirit rebuilding.

Riverdale High, which should be rubble, is hosting a Parent-Teacher Night.

What can I do to redeem myself?

Do you know what palladium is, Reggie?

It's like gold, right?


Only, rare and more valuable.

I've been digging for it behind my prison walls, but the palladium vein beneath it is completely tapped, and it's yielding next to nothing.

Now we need to move to the vein underneath the Blossom maple groves.

Luckily, I have an idea that will take care of the prison and help bring about Riverdale's ruination.

What do you need me to do?

I'll handle the prison.

You get me those groves.

On it, boss.

General Taylor.

At ease, Sergeant.

I didn't want to say anything until top brass signed off on it.

But I nominated you for a Silver Eagle medal for your last mission, for acts of bravery under enemy fire and overwhelming odds.

All due respect, sir, but that... that mission was a disaster.

I lost ten men.

So did I.

But you saved Corporal Jackson's life, carried him miles on your back.

Sir, I appreciate this, truly.

But accepting an honor for that mission just doesn't feel right to me.

I'm sorry to hear that, Sergeant, but you will be accepting the Silver Eagle.

And that's a direct order.

Now, brief me on how your recruitment efforts are going.


Screw you, Stephen King.

[glasses clatter]

[indistinct talking on tape]

What's up?

There's something on this tape.

[woman on tape]

How were relations between you and your wife, Alice, at this point?

We weren't in a good place.

She wouldn't touch me or even look at me.

So I started connecting with women on Nedslist.

That's how women working the Lonely Highway make their connections, too.


Miss Veronica?

This arrived for you at the Pembrooke.

- It's from Mr. Gekko.

- From Chad?

Ugh, pray to God these are my divorce papers.

[exhales heavily]

I'd like to pose a question that goes right to the heart of being a soldier.

When issued an order, do you follow it without question?

Sir, yes, sir.

Good answer.

What if you don't believe in that order?

What is your responsibility then?

What do you do?

You follow the order, Sergeant Andrews.

No questions asked.

Anyone, even a general, is capable of making a wrong call, sir.

[bell rings]

My granddaughter is not at home, and you, dear boy, are certainly not her type.

I'm actually here to see you, Ms. Blossom, about your lovely groves.

May I come in?


I don't know why Juniper and Dagwood can't share a cake.

[phone ringing]

Cooper residence.

Are Juniper and Dagwood all right?

What kind of accident?

So, I have a favor to ask.

Can I just...

Can I say something first?

I'm sorry that I tried to kiss you.

That was totally inappropriate of me.

Well, I leaned in, too.

I'm sorry, I...

Things are just kind of complicated for me right now.

I know you've met Betty.

She and I had a terrible breakup back when I was in high school, and I never really recovered from it.

And then my most recent relationship was more toxic than nuclear waste.

Define "toxic." It's this girl, Jessica.

Um, she's also a writer.

We would drink a lot, party a lot.

We'd fight, we'd break up, we'd get back together.

Got it.

Well, then, as they say, let's just be friends.

So, as your friend...

can I ask you my favor?


Pop Culture Weekly wants to run an excerpt on my new book, which is great, but I'm having bad writer's block.

A lot like when I was back in New York, before I even finished The Outcast.

Well, what did you do back then?

Maple mushrooms.

Yeah, I took a trip, had some psychedelic visions, and when I came to, I had written pages.

By ingesting magic fungi?

I have, uh, some personal trauma that I can't access...

and I'm hoping that these maple mushrooms will allow me to break through to it.

So, I need someone that I trust to just watch over me and make sure I don't get into any trouble while I'm under.

I'm sorry, Jughead, but I...

I can't help you with this.

As your friend...

I don't think you should be doing psychedelics, alone, or with me.

Why do you have to go back there?

You don't owe him anything.


I do.


A few years ago, Chad and I went to a party on Marsha's Vineyard.

We had too much to drink and got into a terrible fight, and I was so angry that I...

I wished he would just die..

put me out of my misery of a marriage.

Okay, so you had...

you had a dark thought.

So does everyone.

True, but that night, we left...

we got into the helicopter to fly back to the city.

Chad was at the stick, something malfunctioned, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in Columbia Presbyterian Hospital.


The helicopter crashed?

- You didn't do anything wrong.

- I did.

I wished him dead.

And then I stayed with him out of guilt.

Now I have to face him, Archie, if only to get closure.

And then I'll be on the first train the next morning.

The next morning?

- Does that mean...

- No, no.

Don't worry.

I'm staying with Katie in Washington Heights.

And once all of this is behind us, we'll be free to be together.



what happened at school today?

Your principal seems to think that you pushed your classmate, Jerry, down some stairs, on purpose.

Jerry said Mommy was dead.

Jerry got a concussion and he broke his shoulder...

and it could have been much, much worse.

Juniper, Dagwood...

he could have died.

How dare you, Nana?

These groves were my birthright, and you had no right to sell them.

But the groves are worthless.

And now we've passed them on, the curse shall be upon them.

There is no curse!

[line ringing]

Hey, Speedy.

Yeah, it's Jones.

Yeah, I know.

It's been a while.

How are you?



Hey, how is that stock of maple mushrooms holding up?


No, no.

But I moved.

I'm in Riverdale now.

Could you send a runner out this way?

That's awesome, man.


You are the best.


[cell phone ringing]


- Hello.

- Sergeant Andrews, this is Sarah Bellum The New York Times.

I'm calling about your last tour of duty, sir, in Uzbekistan.

Okay, what about it?

I've been investigating your CO, General Taylor, who, I believe sent you on a dirty mission.

Can we meet?


They pushed a kid down the stairs, Glen, on purpose.

And they had no remorse.


I'm worried that they're bad seeds.

- Like...

- I'd like to meet them.

Especially after what you just told me.


And you're also trying to get to know my mom better.

What gives?

Well, I guess you'd find out eventually.

"Family of darkness.

Varying displays of the serial killer gene in the Cooper family tree."

Glen, what is this?

It's my dissertation.

About me and my family?


Uh, Betty...

the Coopers are a perfect case study of nature versus nurture.

Look, you and Charles both have the genes.

He's a serial killer, you're not.

Your father didn't have the genes, but he was a murderer.



Glen, people are dying.

People are dying on the Lonely Highway, and you're working on a... a term paper?

Is this why you came to Riverdale?

I came for both reasons.

Okay, fine.

Then I quit.

You're not gonna do that.

You need me to find your sister.

Besides, aren't we having a good time here?


Does that answer your question?

- [door buzzing]

- It's messed up, Uncle Frank.

My CO, General Taylor, arrived in Riverdale wanting to award me the Silver Eagle medal for my last mission.


And then I got a call from a reporter working at The New York Times, who was investigating that mission, among others, all ordered by General Taylor.

I think General Taylor is trying to get out of this investigation, and I think that mission I led was shady.

And now he's trying to turn it into some kind of heroic event.

Yeah, well, it'll be harder to discredit a mission that's being celebrated and splashed all over the news.

And Taylor wouldn't be the first general trying to buy a soldier's loyalty with a medal.

So what do I do?

Do you want to be the guy who helped sell the cover-up or do you want to be the guy who stands up against it?

I won't disrespect the sacrifice my men made.


You hold on to that, even if you're called before the Senate.

I appreciate the counsel, Uncle Frank.

By the way, how are you holding up?

It's, uh, kinda strange in here, Arch.

Something's brewing.

- You can feel it, like a riot.

- All right.

Well, keep your head down and lay low.

I gotta run.

It's, uh...

Parent-Teacher Night.

All right.

Good luck out there, soldier.

I asked for the groves and you delivered.

Welcome back to the fold, Reggie.

So, when do we start to dig?

Let's say, two weeks.

But first, we savor tonight's fireworks at my jail.

[door opens]

Nice try, you simpletons, but you'll be shocked to learn the contract you have is totally devoid of meaning.

I had Nana Rose declared legally senile half a decade ago.

She has no power to do anything.

Now it's time for you to accept the fact that you will never get my precious groves.


[door closes]

- Mr. Lodge, I...

- No.

No, no.

No excuses.

Just... fix it.


Jess, what are you doing here?

Surprised to see me, Jones?

[Jughead scoffs softly]

I guess Speedy didn't mention that I'm his new runner now?

No, he didn't.

Yeah, when he told me you asked for maple mushrooms, I got nostalgic.


What do you say, Jones?

One last trip for old times' sake?

Hey, are those the 'shrooms we're doing?


Excuse me, who the hell are you?

I'm his new girlfriend.

Yeah, I'll take it from here.


All right, then.

That'll be $ for the fungi.

Is there any way that you can spot me, Jess?

Typical Jones.

You have a week, or else I'll come looking for you.

Did I miss something?

Clearly, there's no talking you out of this.

But only this once.

- [elevator dings]

- [slow jazz playing]

Chadwick, I distinctly remember making reservations at Fukumomo, so whatever game you're playing...

Thought this would be more fun.

Like those early days when we didn't have any furniture.

Chinese food by candlelight.

You said you'd have dinner with me.

And since this might be the last night I see you, I wanted it to be special.

That's sweet.

But you left out the part where you blackmailed me into coming with compromising photos.

Veronica, please.

It's just dinner.

We can talk about the good times, too.

It wasn't all bad, was it?

We had our moments.

All right.

Dinner here is fine, but only because I haven't had proper Chinese food in months.


[clears throat]


I cooked the maple mushrooms into a sauce.

Pop's very first psychedelic cheeseburger.

I like it.


You know, you don't have to stay with me here the whole time.

You can just check in periodically.


See you later.

Look what I found.

Our first date.

I can't believe you thought that a tour of the London Dungeons was the way to woo me.

["Sleepwalk" by Betsy Brye playing]

Our wedding song.

First time we danced as husband and wife.

[clears throat]

Would you do me the honor of making it our last, too?

♪ Sleep walk ♪ ♪ Instead of dreaming ♪ ♪ I sleepwalk ♪ ♪ 'Cause I lost you ♪ ♪ And now what am I to do? ♪

And we've been through so much, Veronica.

Genuinely thought we'd be together forever.

- Chad?

- Hmm?

That night, the night of the accident...

I always wondered...

You didn't crash on purpose, did you?

Why would you ever think that?

We almost died.

Because then, we'd be together forever...

in a different way.

[music continues playing]


all I ever wanted to do was just make you as happy as you make me.

I signed the papers right before you walked in.

I told you...

I just want one last night together.

Thank you, Chad.

Tonight's making me happy.

♪ Sleepwalk ♪ ♪ Every night I just sleepwalk... ♪

[clock beeping]

- Tick.

- [clock beeping]

- Tick.

- [clock beeping]

- [clock beeps rapidly]

- Boom.

- [explosion]

- [people clamoring]

♪ Sleepwalk ♪ ♪ Every night I just sleepwalk... ♪

[man exhales]

♪ Please come back ♪ ♪ And when you walk inside the door... ♪

If you won't sell them now, maybe you will after they're burned to a crisp.

♪ I will sleepwalk ♪ ♪ No more ♪


And here is where I lead your shining stars in song.

Kevin is an amazing glee club director.

As a matter of fact...

- [indistinct chatter]

- [woman]


Not to worry, folks.

- It's probably just a circuit breaker.

- [crowd murmurs indistinctly]

Why don't you guys wait here and I'll be right back?

He was in the army.

He's got it.

[doorbell rings]

Juniper, sweetheart, would you mind getting the door for Grandma?

Are you expecting anyone?


I may have forgotten to invite the Blossoms.



[wind howling]

- [door closes]

- [Charles]

Hey, Mom...

little sister.

Hi, Betty.

Did you miss me?

Okay, Mom, I'm gonna need you to explain to me what's going on.

I've been, uh, visiting Charles in prison over the years.

They have guns, Mom.

I see that.

They're not gonna hurt us.

Let's just get through whatever this is.

Why are you here, Charles?



There was an explosion at the prison, and while the other prisoners headed off for the hills...

You know, we came here to celebrate with our family.

Chic and I, we would like to be married with our family present.


You don't even have a minister.

Um, about that...

Betty, um...

Charles had me get ordained online so that I could marry them in prison.

But this is so much better.

I mean, it's...


home, sweet home.

[man grunting]

[man grunting]


[indistinct chatter]

Watches, wallets, cell phones, jewelry, in the backpack.

[both grunting]


[both grunting]

- Come on, come on, hurry up.

- [clanging, thudding]

What's going on out there, Tim?

[man grunts]



Okay, okay.

Drop it.

[man breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

- [grunts]

- [cell phone chimes]

There's two more by the circuit breaker.

The school's under some kind of attack.

Yeah, my dad just texted me.

He said there's been a breakout at Hiram Lodge's prison.

We need to move out.

There are civilians in here.

We don't know how many armed inmates are out there.

We stay put, Sergeant.

Then we barricade all entrances and secure all access points.

Kevin, hold down the fort.

In front of these witnesses, and by the power vested in me by the Universal Life Church,

- I now pronounce you husband and husband.

- [knocking on door]

Juniper, don't get that.


Glen, what are you doing here?

Glen, as in Glen Scot.


It can't be.


It is.

Right, you... you two went to the academy together.

Oh, is that why you're writing your dissertation about us?


He's doing what?



Yeah, he's writing a paper about serial killers.

You know, nature versus nurture.

Specifically how it relates to the Cooper family.

The hell.

I don't count?

Of course you do, babe.

Since my old rival from the academy is so interested in learning what makes a serial killer tick...

I think we should all play a game.

Would you put that gun away, General?

We're in a high school.

As far as I'm concerned, we're behind enemy lines, Sergeant.


- Hello.

Anyone in here?

- Uncle Frank!

Archie, open up.

Oh, my God.

It's a good thing you told me about Parents' Night.

Uncle Frank, Kevin's dad said there was a prison break.

Maybe not.

I overheard some of my fellow inmates saying they're getting paid to trash the town, especially this school.

Only Hiram Lodge would be crazy enough to do that.

Now he's made us the target, which means we gotta go.

[clattering, men grunting]

[men shouting]

General, you only have six bullets in that gun.

What are you going to do when you run out?

The smart play here is to withdraw while we still can.

You want us to lead civilians out into open hostile territory?

I went to this school.

I grew up in this town.

We can slip out through a tunnel behind the boiler, and then I can get every one to the Sheriff's station safely.


Sounds like a plan, Sergeant.

So this fun game is called Pincushion Man, where the youngest member of a family takes a pin and sticks it in the pincushion man.

- Tonight, that man is Glen.

- No.

If memory serves, Juniper is the youngest member of our family by... three minutes?

Here's your pin, little lady.

All you have to do is stick it in the pincushion man.

Nice and deep.

Please, please, please, Charles.

I'm begging you.

She's nine years old, okay?

This will scar her for the rest of her life.

Me and you, we're lost causes.

There's no hope for us.

But there's still hope for them, okay?


Please let there be hope for the twins.


You're right.

Juniper doesn't need to lose her innocence tonight.

But that means you have to take her turn.

One round of Pincushion Man...

then we'll get back to the wedding...

and then we'll be gone in the dark.


Juniper, Dagwood, get upstairs now.

Please don't do this.

I don't have a choice.

Trust me.


Rot in hell, Glen.

I can't believe she actually did it.

[both grunt]





- Glen.

- [panting]

We need to get him to a hospital right now.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, no!


[trippy music playing]

- Jughead?

- Tabitha.

Oh, you're here.

Oh, my God, it's my muse.

Guess the 'shrooms kicked in, huh?

Shouldn't you be writing?

I've actually already completed the first part.

Who cares?

Will you just dance with me, please?

You have no idea what you're missing.

I'm good.


Oh, don't be such a Betty.

A what?

The first sign of fun and you just try to kill it?



Time for my contingency plan.

- Bondage.


- [scoffs]

I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.

You have to get some real writing done.

I'll be back in the morning.


You're not serious, are you?

- Write.


- Tabitha.


Tabitha, don't!


I can help you out of this jam, baby.

- Jess?


- Hmm?


Oh, I knew you'd come back.

Of course.

Now calm down, and let's get lit.

I'm in the mood to fool around.

I wish I could, but...

It won't be a problem.



It's okay, Jug.

I'm here now.

It was really awful what I did to you senior year, wasn't it?

Can you ever forgive me?


Yeah, I can forgive you.

[breathing heavily]


[Jughead gasps]

It was really awful what I did to you in senior year, wasn't it?

Archie and I kissed.

I can help you out of this jam.

[music playing]

[door opens]



What are you doing here?

Nightmare, child.

I have escaped that hideous prison, and praise God that I did.

Flames are encroaching upon Thornhill.

Quickly, to the window.

Our groves.

[Nana Rose]

The curse...

the curse of our ancestors demands that all living Blossoms must die...



...we sacrifice the interloper.

- Oh, hell, no.

- No, Min-Min.


There's no time to give chase.

We must pray.

Pray for what?

We must pray for wind to divert the fire.

[whispering chants]

[wind whistling]

What the hell?

You lied to me, Chad.

I can explain.

You told me you signed the divorce papers.

All that talk about not wanting to fight, about closure?

Hear me out.

Over the past year, I got involved in an investment scheme.

It was supposed to be a sure thing, an easy way to get us out of debt.

What debt?

I made some bad investments, but I figured out a way to get us out the hole.

It just meant borrowing from other investors.

Tell me you didn't.

I had to make the investments in the name of an existing company.

So I used your new jewelry store, La Petite Bijoutiere.

This is unbelievable.

You need to sign those damn divorce papers right now.

And why would you want me to do that?

If we divorce, I can testify against you in court.


And no one would believe that the she-wolf of Wall Street didn't know about the dirty dealings going on in her own business.

Don't worry, babe.

I'll make it all back.

I just need time...

and a little help from you.

[General Taylor]

All right, Sergeant, you have something to discuss with me?

I do, sir.

I won't be accepting your commendation.

If I trusted my instincts over your orders, my men might still be alive.

And I know there's some sort of cover-up going on.

I want to make you a hero, Andrews.

But if you're not going to play ball, then I'll make you the scapegoat.

You have a choice.

Dutiful soldier or traitor.

I'm at peace with my decision.

And if you do force me to take the stand, I'll speak my truth.

Yes, and we'll see who Washington believes.

[gasps softly]

The transubstantiation.

[clanging, high-pitched whining]

Hey, how you guys doing?

Uncle Frank's gonna lay low here for a bit, and my mom's gonna talk to the parole board about how he helped us.

Yeah, fingers crossed Mary Andrews comes through.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, you on the train yet?


I'm staying in New York.


I have some business things to sort out.

I'll explain everything when I get back, okay?


don't do this.

I have to.

Just for a few days.


Have fun.

Thornhill didn't burn because of that freak windstorm, but a lot of the groves did.

Cheryl will be begging us to buy them from her now.

And the way my inmates left Riverdale High, it won't reopen for weeks, if ever.

You've done well, Reggie.

And today, today is a good day.


Okay, thanks for letting me know.


That was Glen.

He's okay.

Just a flesh wound, like I intended.

And Charles is still in the ICU at Shankshaw...

It seems like he's going to make it.

There is something else, though, Mom.

Um, the FBI has decided to relocate the Lonely Highway case upstate, closer to their northern office in Derry.

But I'm not going to stop looking for Polly, Mom.

As Glen so helpfully reminded me, I do have an instinct for these things.

I will get justice, Mom.

[engine starts]


Jughead, I brought you food.



my God.