01x03 - Crime Time

[bunniefuu]

Tush: Arthur?

Arthur: Yeah?

I may have just invented a new taste sensation.

Yeah, what is it, Tush?

I take a donut hole, I put a little coffee in the middle, I call it the Tush-hole.

I don't think that's a good idea...

No, shh, shh. Let's just enjoy this.

Yes?

It doesn't have to be coffee, of course.

You could put anything in your Tush-hole.

Hey, that could be our ad campaign.

"What do you like in your Tush-hole"

Oop, I just heard it. Never mind.

(laughs)

(Fawz yells)

(yells)

Fawz, what's going on?

My dry cleaners was robbed!

No!

Are you okay?

Those bastards took everything!

My computers, my chemicals, my hangers that say, "We Don't Use Chemicals."

Cop, girl cop, come and help.

Uh, girl cop's not going anywhere till she's had her coffee.

In the last 24 hours, we've had six break-ins, two muggings and one public urinator.

I really had to go.

Did I really have to watch?

Uh, the coffee's still brewing.

All right, it'll be a few more minutes.

Fine. I'll be next door.

I have to give the insurance company my wish list.

I mean, the list of things that were stolen.

This crime wave is hitting close to home, ain't it?

Yeah, what's been happening here?

I thought this neighborhood was supposed to be getting nicer.

Well, a spike in crime is often a byproduct of gentrification.

As Biggie Smalls once said, "More Money, More Problems."

It's actually "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."

I'm not comfortable saying it that way.

Yeah, the crime wave's gotten so bad, the department's bringing in reinforcements to help out.

Yay, great. More cops.

You know what that means: more pat downs.

More business.

All this crime, guess it's time to bring out my bus face.

Did you say "bus face"?

Yeah, it's this face I use on public transportation so people don't mess with me.

Let's see it.

(clears throat softly)

Oh, that's so cute.

Adorable.

Like a constipated Disney princess.

Maya, that face might work out in the suburbs, but you're in Uptown now.

If you want the creepos on the bus to leave you alone, do what I do: act like a crazy person.

Please don't show her how.

Let me show you how.

I invented a character I call Johnny Buggins.

He has a voice like this.

(crazy voice): Oh, hello there, Mr. James.

You have beautiful eyes.

May I take one home and feed it to my robot?

I hate Johnny Buggins.

(normal voice): Works every time.

What is taking you so long?

You two are like Cagney and Lazy.

Starsky and Not Much.

Law & Order another donut.

Okay, we get it!

All right, just... We'll be right here.

Forget the coffee.

Give me some beans.

Okay.

What?

Sugar.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Cream.

Damn.

Come on, junior, let's roll.

Oh! Just kicked in.

♪

Yo, that club was so lit.

Right?

That girl was so into me.

Yeah, man, but look, next time, can you not introduce me as your butler?

Let me check on the store real quick.

Arthur? Is that you?

Oh, geez!

What the hell you guys doing out here?

Well, I thought with everything going on, I would check on the store.

It's 4:00 in the morning!

Well, yeah, Sweatpants and I, we just got back from this after-hours club.

How do you dance in those tight pants?

Oh, well, I'm more of a upper-body guy.

I see.

And I'm strictly lower body.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, an-anyway...

What? Oh, you want some?

Hmm? Hmm?

Hey, hey!

Hey, guys!

Oh!

Huh?

I'm-a catch you later, man.

All right, man, be good.

All right, see you.

All right.

What are you doing out, huh?

In your robe.

On your way to a prizefight?

(chuckles) No.

I just go down the block to the paper box and pick up a Sun-Times.

What? That's, like, four blocks away, man.

Well, so what? I do it every morning.

It's my routine.

Arthur, you cannot be walking around this neighborhood at this hour, man. People get mugged.

One time, I got robbed right over there.

Yeah, I know, that's because you're a target.

I mean, look at me, I got nothing to steal.

Well, except for that coin purse.

Oh, wait, that's not a coin purse!

♪
♪

Says he does it every morning.

All by himself, to the corner and back.

That's a bad idea. Most crimes are committed between 2:00 and 6:00 in the morning.

Yeah, and Arthur's an old man.

He shouldn't be out at 4:00 a.m. He should be in bed, having sex dreams about Angela Lansbury or somebody.

Well, he's been getting that paper forever.

Good luck trying to get him to stop.

(grunts) There we go.

Fawz, what the hell is that?

Since I was robbed, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

I will place him in the window to deter criminals.

You've heard of a scarecrow?

This is a scarecop.

So, Fawz, let me guess, you got the black mannequin because it's scarier?

No, because it was cheaper.

(laughs)

Which is terrible.

You really think that's gonna work?

I have to do something.

Sal's Florist Shop was robbed last night.

Thank God no one was hurt.

Oh, except for Sal, who was beaten severely.

Old man Sal?

He's been in this neighborhood just as long as Arthur has.

He's in the hospital, but he's gonna be okay.

Come on, let's go duct tape this donut to your hand.

Make you more authentic.

(laughs)

This is ridiculous, man.

I got, I got to talk to him.

Yo, Arthur.

No.

You don't even know what I'm about to...

I like my morning paper.

But why don't you get...

I don't want a subscription.

Ha! I wasn't gonna say that.

I was gonna say "prescription" but I knew that wasn't right.

Oh.

Come on, man.

Everybody's getting hit.

You heard about Sal, right?

Yeah, yeah, and it was terrible, but he's not like me.

Look, I love starting off my morning with a nice short walk outside.

I find it invigorating.

Oh, come on, Arthur. I need you to be safe.

I am safe! Look, I've taken over 15,000 trips to that newspaper box.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me.

And no way I'm giving up my independence.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's a slippery slope.

One day, you give up your morning walk, the next day, you're taking my car keys from me.

You don't even have a car.

I'm glad you think that.

(laughs)

♪

(phone ringing)

Oh, Franco.

Franco, why you calling me so early?

Franco: 'Cause I didn't want to scare you.

Scare me? How could you scare me?

By being inside your apartment.

What the hell are you doing in here?

Teaching you a lesson.

You see, you think you're invincible, but you're not.

Hey, how'd you get in?

The better question is: out of all the many and easy ways to get in, which one did I choose?

Did I use telekinesis to open the lock with my mind?

No, he did not.

It was I, Sweatpants, using the spare key you keep under your doormat.

Ah.

Franco: All right, Sweatpants, tell Arthur what you'd do to him.

I don't know.

Guess I'll probably tie you up to this chair, take all of your stuff, realize... you've seen my face.

Place a lit cigarette in your hand and burn this place down so nobody knows I was here.

Franco: Yeah.

He just finished watching The Wire.

Well, I guess I better get rid of this spare key.

Good. Good, good, good.

But that's not how I got in.

Say I was an eager, young criminal, and I noticed that the fire escape leads me up to the second-story window, with a latch that appears to be busted.

Oh, come on.

Who'd want to do all that just to get in here?

Someone like me.

(laughs)

Who would take a blanket, put it over your head, handcuff you to a radiator and crazy glue your butt cheeks together.

Where you getting this stuff, man?

Five older brothers, no adult supervision.

So you got in through this window?

No, I did not.

I got in by jumping on top of the Dumpster in the alleyway and climbing through your bedroom window.

Wait a minute.

You can get in my bedroom window from the alley?

Let's ask Sweatpants. Sweatpants!

Was I supposed to come in through the bedroom?

All right, all right, you made your point. Wow.

Never thought I would be this vulnerable.

Good. So you agree that I should take a few safety precautions around here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you guys get...

Just get the hell out of here, okay?

All right, come on, Sweatpants, time to go.

You know, I really expected more cats.

(laughs)

♪

Well, Johnny Buggins, that crazy act doesn't work.

I tried it with some weirdo on the bus, and he invited me to spend the night in his abandoned dryer under the highway.

All right, slow down.

Show me your Buggins.

Give me a freaking donut!

(laughs)

It was so cute.

You're like a British Muppet.

Damn it.

Yo, so I just got off the phone with a security company, and they can, uh, put bars in the windows and install some cameras all over the entrances.

Is Arthur cool with all this surveillance?

Yeah, he said I could take a few precautions.

This is nothing. In my country, the secret police were everywhere.

How did you know they were secret police?

Good point.

Maybe it was just a bunch of nosy people.

Who abducted my grandfather!

Well, the cameras will protect Arthur when he's here, but what about when he goes out at night?

Oh, I'm way ahead of you. See, I was thinking we can all take turns watching over him.

So, I bought this calendar at the drug store.

Sexy firemen calendar?

It was on sale! All right...

Whoa, whoa, check out those pecs.

Someone call 911, am I right?

Can we focus on the schedule? Thank you.

All right, so I can do the morning shifts, but Arthur goes to the bank at night, so I need someone to volunteer to walk with him.

I can do Mondays after school.

Okay.

I'm free Thursdays.

Thursdays.

How much time does he spend in the gym?

I mean, that's like an eight-pack.

Put me down for abs-days. I mean Wednesdays.

Franco: Arthur, glad you're here, man.

So, look, I had an idea, all right, um, that we'd all, you know, accompany you while you walked around the neighborhood.

So you'll be babysitting me, huh?

Nah, not at all.

It's just friends looking after another friend.

Look, look, I'm not a pathetic old man.

You know, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

We talked about this, man. You need to be safe.

I agree, which is why I bought this.

Oh!

We're going to be on the news!

♪
♪

Where'd you get that?

I went to a g*n show.

Man, do they hate Obama.

We never talked about you getting a g*n.

Hey, come on, come on, you're the one that wanted me to be safe from all the criminals, right, huh?

So now I got a g*n, now I'm safe.

Mind if I take a look at that?

Looks like a Beretta 92FS, double-action, semiautomatic, nine-millimeter.

15-round magazine. Yep.

You're definitely gonna blow your head off.

Thanks.

How do you know so much about g*ns?

I used to work in a liquor store.

(laughs)

Wait until Jerry finds out that Arthur has a g*n.

Who's Jerry?

My scarecop.

I like to imagine his life before he met me.

You know, he started out as a menswear mannequin, but became a cop because he wanted to make a difference.

Now he's two weeks from retirement, and, uh...

I have a lot of down time at the dry cleaners!

Arthur, look, I'm just trying to protect you.

So why do you want to take my g*n away?

Maybe because studies prove that a g*n in the home poses a greater thr*at to family members than to intruders.

That's true, but in states where g*n ownership goes up, violent crime goes down.

Yeah, but 86% of...

Who cares?!

Like, 100% of Arthur owns a g*n right now, which makes me a million percent freaked out.

But why? Now you're protected.

If a bad guy comes into the shop, Arthur can just boom-boom, boom-boom!

(laughs)

That's sh**ting, not dancing.

Wait, do you own a g*n?

g*ns.

And also no.

This is Chicago, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I knew a lot of guys who thought having a g*n would make them feel safer, and it didn't.

It just got them sh*t.

Randy, James, we got a situation.

Arthur bought a g*n; you got to stop him.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Is it registered? You got a permit?

Yes.

Well, then I can't stop him.

And the way crime's been lately, it's not a half-bad idea.

So you're just cool with this?

Well, if he's a responsible g*n owner, I'm fine.

James: I don't know. As a police officer, I've seen way too many people hurt themselves with their own g*n.

Franco: Mm-hmm.

He sh*t himself.

I sh*t myself.

Well, you don't have to worry about me.

I've handled a g*n. I've been in the Army.

You were a cook.

A pastry chef.

Yeah, but believe me, I've seen a lot of stuff go down.

Like what, a soufflé?

Randy, come on, please help me out here.

All right, look, Arthur, if you're really serious about this, we're gonna do it the safe way.

I'm gonna take you to the sh**ting range and make sure you can handle that thing.

All right, fine, if that'll make everybody comfortable.

I'm going, too.

I want to see if I should invest in a Kevlar apron and a bulletproof hairnet.

Come on, it's just a g*n. How complicated can it be?

Happens to me all the time.

(laughs)

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Get out of my shop!

Those donuts might be filled with jelly, but I'm about to fill you with lead!

Bam! Bam!

Would you stop saying "bam"?

Huh?

The g*ns make the noises for you.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I got carried away.

Okay, let's see the damage.

(clears throat)

(grunts)

Good news, they can use this one again.

There must be something wrong with that target.

You know, in basketball, I used to blame the hoop until I realized I just suck.

(sighs)

Arthur, this, uh, g*n thing may just not be for you.

Why don't we get you a whistle and some pepper spray?

Oh, wonderful.

Does that come with kitten heels and a girdle, hmm?

What year do you think it is?

Look, Arthur, we gave it a try.

Yeah, man.

g*n is not for you, especially at your age.

All right, all right.

I'll give up the g*n, if that'll get you off my back.

Yes, it would.

(g*nf*re)

And will you stop hanging out at 4:00 a.m. in your robe?

All right, I'll wait for the sun to rise, like a damn rooster.

Just tie your robe, so I don't see your cock-a-doodle-doo.

Oh.

Look, a little present for my ex-husband.

Shall we go?

♪

Arthur, no!

Oh, my God! Oh, geez!

(panting)

I almost sh*t you.

You said you got rid of that.

I just wanted you to get off my back.

Why are you following me?

'Cause I knew you were lying.

Just hand it over, okay?

All right.

(siren whooping)

Officer (over loudspeaker): Drop the g*n.

Okay, close your robe, then drop the g*n.

Officer: Well, I have to say I'm impressed.

How'd you manage to wrestle a g*n away from this young man?

Huh?

Why you assume I was robbing him?

It was his g*n.

And what would I want to steal from him, his flip phone?

Ah, we have a motive.

Yeah, you got me.

I'm the uptown obsolete-technology bandit.

And a confession.

Oh, come on, would you stop it?

It was my g*n. He works for me.

Have you called Officer DeLuca yet, huh?

I told you, she'll vouch for us.

Yeah, she said she's on the way, she just needs a cup of coffee first.

All right, you guys hang tight.

Franco: All right.

Damn, I almost k*lled you.

Yeah, you could have.

Now can you give up the g*n?

I guess it's obvious I shouldn't be carrying one.

But I'm not gonna let you scare me out of living my own life.

Do you understand?

Okay.

I'll back off.

All right.

Look, man, you... you at least have to let me put up some bars on the windows or some cameras or something.

Can I still get the newspaper by myself?

Can you wait till the sun comes up?

Or read the news online like everyone else under 90?

I'll wait till the sun comes up.

Thank you.

And, look, I'm-I'm sorry I got in your head.

All right.

But I lost a lot of friends to g*ns in this damn city, all right?

And I can't stand the thought of losing another one.

Oh, so now I'm your friend, huh?

Not if you keep making my emotional moments about you.

(laughing)

Selfish bastard.

All right, bring it in, man.

Yeah.

No, no.

Where...

No, over. There.

Are you okay, sir?! Is he trying to as*ault you?!

Oh, stop it, will you?!

Randy, hey!

Hey!

Randy.

Franco: Hey, Randy.

Go ahead. Go for it.

So, DeLuca, were you on a date, or did you get a job as a blackjack dealer?

No, but he was 21.

And I did tell him to hit it.

Solid. Nice one.

All right, look.

He's cool, and he's cool.

So are you cool if I take it from here?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Bye.

All right, all right.

Thank you, Randy.

Well, I guess I got to start making the donuts now, huh?

Good. k*ll people the old-fashioned way...

With heart disease and diabetes.

Yeah.

Thanks, Randy.

Well, where you going with those?

I told you, I have a date.

♪

All right, got two cameras in the shop, two outside, and two upstairs in Arthur's apartment.

And all the cameras are linked to this app on my phone.

Where is Arthur, anyway?

Haven't seen him all morning.

He's running an errand, but he just got back.

How do you know?

Well, look.

(laughs)

Ooh. Yeah, that fish-eye lens is not his friend.

Whoa! It wasn't the lens.

Well, hopefully we won't be seeing much on those cameras.

The extra police presence is starting to make a difference.

That's right. Crime in uptown is trending downtown.

(chuckles)

In my head, that was hilarious.

I'm just glad we can stop working so hard.

(Fawz yells)

Come with me!

Some kids just stole my scarecop!

Come on, Hawaii Five-Slow, let's go!

It's all you, James.

All right, I'm on it.

Yes! We can watch the chase on my phone, look.

Let's see.

Oh! Mannequin cop down!

No, that's James.

(groans)