01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

Hey, folks, it's me, Eddie Champagne, the hot tub king of Detroit.

Hot tub KING of Detroit THE hot tub king of Detroit.

Eddie Champagne.

You think the water's too hot?

It'll be fine.

Okay, people.

All right, let's make commercial magic.

Eddie Champagne, hot tub commercial, scene ten, take one.

And... Action.

Hey, folks, it's me, Eddie champagne, the hot tub king of Detroit.

If you don't like my prices, I'm gonna be the one in hot water.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh! Aah! Oh!

[Shrieks]

[Chuckles]

Cut?

Lea, tell me we got that.

We got it.

Oh, my god!

It's so hot!

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, Ed, I'm telling ya, that reaction's gonna sell a lot of hot tubs.

Oh, god.

It's Felipe. They're at the chop house.

Just got their steaks. We got to go.

That's a wrap! Great job, everybody!

Eddie, you nailed it!

Thanks, guys!

♪ ♪

You guys are the ad kings of Detroit!

♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm talkin' to you ♪
♪ don't just sit there feeling blue ♪
♪ when you feel there's nothing you can do ♪
♪ you just pick yourself right off the ground ♪
♪ get on up and turn around ♪
♪ hey, hey ♪

[Elegant piano music playing]

Felipe, where are they?

Right over there.

I mean, what could I do?

I pay for the coffee.

I pick up the dog, and I tell the cop that I'm with animal control, undercover.

I still have the dog.

[Laughter]

A million dollars?

Heck yeah, we got a deal.

Carter?

Carter Grant, VP of marketing, Chrysler?

Uh, yeah. Have we met?

We're about to. Sam Duvet.

Uh, hi, Sam.

Tim Cramblin, Cramblin Advertising.

Hello, Tim.

Cramblin Advertising?

Are you Hank Cramblin's son?

That I am, yeah.

You know Sally Pomerantz?

Head of creative for Pomerantz and Klein.

Hank Cramblin, what a legend.

How is your father?

He went insane. He lives in a nuthouse now.

Oh.

Well, the next time you see him, you tell him Sally Pomerantz from Chicago said hello.

He won't understand that.

Talking to him is like talking to Bugs Bunny.

Well, then you tell him, "What's up, doc?"

Thank you.

That'll mean a lot to him.

Sally Pomerantz.

Just as lovely as I'd always imagined.

I mean, wrong color but... just as lovely.

Yeah, he imagines everyone black.

I suppose it's because I'm black.

Oh, that could be.

Could be.

That could...

Could...

Both: Be.

Carter, we are on our way out because we already ate here.

Look at these stains on our ties.

Look at the receipt.

I'm guessing all the agencies are in town because you're hearing pitches for your new campaign.

Well, Cramblin would love to throw our hat in the ring on that.

Oh.

Well, have I seen your work?

Oh, you sure have.

Delta Airlines, Budweiser...

No, no, no. Not your father's.

Yours.

Oh, uh...

How about Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture?

Harry Dean, the DUI lawyer?

Frank Franklin insurance?

Oh, I've seen that one.

♪ 313-555-0197 ♪

Frank Franklin.

That's so us.

That's us!

No, it's, uh...

That's a very catchy tune, yeah.

But, you know, I'm just not sure that your firm is what we're looking for right now, gentlemen.

Oh, sure, 'cause you're probably gonna go with these fine folks from Chicago 'cause that's where you make your cars.

Wait a minute. No, you don't.

Where do they make their cars, Sam?

Right here in Detroit.

Come on, Carter.

You make your cars here.

Make your ads here.

[Chuckles softly]

Fellas, it took a lot of balls coming in here like this.

Well, we were already eating here, so...

Receipt, so...

Right, the receipt, yeah.

Um...

Tell you what.

Why don't you come by tomorrow?

Hmm? 8:00.

8:00? I can't at 8:00. I just can't.

I have dinner with my wife, and I can't cancel.

Oh, no, I meant A.M.

A.M., yeah. Makes way more sense.

Yeah.

A little early.

We'll be there, okay?

See you in the morning. Thank you.

Okay.

Gentlemen.

Mrs. Pomerantz.

Ms.

Oh.

[Upbeat rock music]

Ooh!

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hoo!

Got a lot of work to do.

[Retching]

Oh, no, there he goes.

Oh, I was so scared in there.

I know you were. You were great, though.

You honestly were great.

Really?

Thanks, buddy. You were great too.

No, it's not 'cause...

The food is good.

Yeah.

Leave room for dessert...

[Gagging]

Shh. Let it go.

I'm right here, bud.

I'm right here, buddy.

Okay, Chrysler.

Chrysler.

You'll love the visor in your brand-new Chrysler.

If I don't get a Chrysler, I'm gonna cry, sir.

Jesus Chrysler!

What a car!

I'm taking off for the day, unless there's anything you need, anything at all, big Hank.

Ms. Portnadi, Hank was my father.

I'm Tim, remember?

Whoops.

I dropped my pencil.

[Sultry music]

♪ ♪

[Panting]

Can I just leave it there?

Yes, please.

For the love of god, do.

Yes.

Night, Sheila.

Okay, Chrysler. Chrysler.

You guys ready to edit the hot tub commercial?

Lea, that's small potatoes.

We're working on a big old potato.

You can go ahead and do it yourself.

You sure?

Lea, you're in film school.

I think you can edit a hot tub commercial by yourself.

Thanks, guys.

I will not let you down.

Uh...

All right, let's stop screwing around.

It's 12 hours till the pitch.

Be nicer. Drive a Chrysler.

[Ball thuds]

You suck.

No, you suck.

You got nothing.

You got nothing.

I... everything.

You got nothing.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Bleep]!

♪ ♪

Foul!

That's on me!

♪ You're maybe thinking ♪
♪ about being the better man ♪

Foul!

♪ But you're still young ♪
♪ you don't want to take that step ♪
♪ you can't run, you can't lie, you can't hide ♪

Oh, travel! Oh, travel!

[Elbow thunks]

[Groans]

Whoa!

Whoa.

I can't believe that didn't break the window.

I know.

It's almost like it's unbreakable.

[Funky music]

Stapler.

Stapler.

[Yells]

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[Chuckling]

Oh, my god!

Oh, man!

Ninja throw!

[Chuckling]

Wow, didn't even.

It didn't even.

Both: Coffeepot! Coffeepot!

Coffeepot!

Go! [Yells]

Oh!

Yes!

Hello! Who is it?

♪ ♪

[Yells]

♪ ♪

[Grunts and laughs]

[Grunts]

Candleholder!

Candleholder!

Candleholder.

Candleholder!

Candleholder.

Candleholder!

Candleholder.

[Grunts]

[Glass shatters]

Both: Oh!

Oh!

So it did break.

It didn't break. It shattered.

♪ ♪

One...

Both: Two...

♪ ♪

[Desk clattering]

Whoa.

Oh!

Old diet pills.

[Pills rattle]

These things were basically speed.

Huh.

Expired January 1974.

You think it's safe to take some of those?

I don't know.

[Intense music]

How about this?

Open on dad driving through the rain in a brand-new Chrysler 300.

Across town, his daughter walks into a tattoo parlor.

Hands a pile of cash to the man at the counter.

Biker-type dude, like, a real mean guy, like, a neo-n*zi.

Yeah, she points to the sign that says "nipple piercing," takes off her shirt, pulls down her bra.

We see everything.

Yes.

Cut to...

Dad races across town.

Close-up.

Biker's meaty, hairy hand grabs the daughter's nipple.

Pulls it out as far as it'll go.

Oh, it's farther than you think.

Yeah, it's way farther, man.

Biker pierces the nipple. Daughter moans.

Drop of red blood rolls down her milky black breast.

No, milky white breast.

I pictured black.

Keep going.

In the reflection, the drop of blood rolling down the daughter's breast, we see the father standing in the window.

He sighs.

He smiles.

Says, "my baby's all growed up."

"Got to let her fly."

Chrysler.

Time to fly.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes!

You know, the more I think about it, I don't think we can show a boob in a commercial.

No. No, we can't.

They wouldn't let us air that nursing home commercial with a boob in it.

And that was just an accident.

Hey, Judy? Two more beers.

You got it.

Two beers.

Hot or cold?

Well, cold.

Come on, man.

[Soft music playing]

♪ ♪

Oh, it's time for Eddie's commercial.

Uh, Judy, can you turn on the TV?

Sure.

And that's one m*rder that... had a happy ending.

We'll be right back with sports and weather after this.

Hi, folks, it's me, Eddie Champagne, the hot tub king of Detroit.

[In slow motion] The hot tub king of...

The hot tub king of Detroit.

Oh... No.

And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Eddie together again.

[Somber music]

Oh!

Did he just eat that off the ground?

Ew! What did Lea do?

This is not the commercial.

My god, you're beautiful.

You really knock me out, you know that?

[Sparse piano music]

You wouldn't want to... ever kiss a guy like me, would you?

No. Probably got a boyfriend.

He's young and... Virile.

I must disgust you.

♪ ♪

Wish I would have met you when I was 18.

♪ ♪

I was amazing then.

Eddie Champagne, the hot tub king of Detroit.

♪ ♪

[Applause]

Wow. [Laughs]

Normally I don't comment on the commercials, but that was very bad.

Oh, we're in trouble.

[Cell phone buzzing]

Looks like rain is headed our way, but...

Let's get out of here.

Thank you, Judy.

Thanks, Judy.

You want a doggie bag for your beers?

What are you talking about?

That's a dumb idea.

[Smooth rock music]

♪ ♪

We're dead.

Eddie's gonna k*ll us, and we have got nothing on this Chrysler pitch.

We'll come up with something.

No, we won't, man. We're dumb.

Hey.

Hey.

You remember when we first took over your dad's company and everybody quit and all the clients left all in the same day?

Yeah, of course I remember.

Well, you remember, like, a year later, we got our first client?

Sure, Stan from the carpet store.

Yeah, what'd he want to call himself?

[Chuckles]

What'd he want to call himself?

Big Stan the Carpet Guy.

What did we call him?

Big Stan the Carpet Man.

That's right, and why?

'Cause it rhymed.

'Cause it rhymed.

Yes.

See, buddy? We did it then.

We'll do it...

Now.

Again, buddy.

It's... 'cause it rhymes with "then."

It's got to rhyme for it to work.

That's the whole point of it.

Oh, here come the trucks!

Here we go!

Here come the big rigs!

Here we go, big Steve.

Go get 'em, pal!

[Horn honks]

Whoo! Thataway, Clint!

You the man, Steve!

Oh, happy birthday!

[Horn honks]

Big Lou!

Lou!

Oh, and wolf man.

Oh, wolf man!

[All howling]

[Horn honking]

Yeah, I know it's a long sh*t, but I really want to nail this Chrysler pitch.

I know. We will, pal.

Yeah, not just for us.

For everyone, for the whole city.

[Horn honks]

Go, Kathy.

Norman Drummond!

I mean, Chrysler isn't just a company.

It's... it's these guys.

It's our friends. It's our family.

Yeah, every Chrysler is the city of Detroit on four wheels.

♪ ♪

[Chuckles]

That's it.

That's the pitch.

That's the pitch. We got the pitch.

We got the pitch, buddy.

We got the pitch!

We got the pitch!

We got the pitch!

[Horn honks]

[Upbeat music]

And that's why every Chrysler is like the city of Detroit on four wheels.

On four wheels.

On four wheels. Yes.

Gentlemen.

Your morning hot dogs arrived.

Thank you, Sheila.

Knock 'em dead, big Hank.

I don't... [Sighs]

♪ ♪

Well, there she is.

As I live and breathe.

Hey, did you guys like the commercial?

No!

No, Lea, you tanked it.

You sh*t the bed.

Absolutely blew it.

You blew it!

And it sucked!

♪ ♪

Here we go.

You ready?

Sure I am.

We did it, pal.

We sure did.

I paid for the coffee, I picked up the dog, and I told the cop I was with animal control, undercover.

[Laughs] Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's get the hell out of here Uh-uh.

Let's dump his body in the woods and walk in there like nothing happened.

What if he wakes up and sees us?

[Crunches]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Leave the bag out.

Yeah.

It'll just be like a piece of bag out there.

Nobody's gonna ask anything.

No, I know.

He's not answering.

I'm so sorry.

He has never missed a meeting like this.

It's fine.

Just very unprofessional.

Let me call his cell phone.

Call his cell phone?

What are you gonna call it?

What?

You have to do stand-up.

I will, I promise.

That's weird.

Someone's coming out of the woods with a bag of chips on their head.

You know, that is weird.

[People murmuring]

That's Carter Grant!

Oh, my god!

Did you see that guy?

[People gasp]

Is he dead?

Call 911!

Hold his head! Hold his head!

Over there!

[Laughter]

I still have that dog.

Oh!

[Laughs]

Hey, Carter.

Hey.

Hey!

Remember us?

Like, when's the last time you remember seeing us?

At... at the steak house.

Yes, because that's the last place we saw you.

Great.

We... we just...

We brought you these.

Oh. Thank you.

We just want to say...

Yeah.

You know, get well.

Feel better.

Thanks.

And, uh, also, you know, we've got a great pitch for you, when you're ready to hear it.

Ah.

I'm sorry, guys.

I really appreciate you coming down here, but, um, we ended up going with Pomerantz and Klein.

What?

Why didn't you wait until you heard our pitch?

Honestly, I only scheduled that meeting out of respect for your father.

Well, we'd still love for you to hear the pitch.

Who knows? You may reconsider.

Well, fellas, with all due respect, you do late-night commercials for furniture stores.

Don't you think Chrysler's a little bit out of your league?

You know?

[Laughter]

Excuse me?

Out of our league?

Oh, man!

Well, yeah, right?

Now you're definitely gonna hear the pitch.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are gonna hear the pitch.

We worked the pitch, and you're gonna hear it.

You're not gonna pitch to me in a hospital!

Uh-huh.

Open on...

Both: Joe Louis's fist.

Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, no.

We see an auto worker driving through town, looking at the sights he knows.

The people, the places.

His friends, his dad.

I'm not listening.

Mm-mm.

No, you know what?

He's not listening. He doesn't want to hear it.

Very well, I'm pulling the plug on your ass.

Do it! k*ll him!

Wait!

Say good night, pal!

Bye!

I'm not on life support, you idiot!

Why idiot?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay? [Stammering]

Let's just all calm down here a little bit, okay?

I'm sorry.

Okay, we're all sorry.

Best of luck, guys.

It's nothing personal. It's just business.

It's just business.

We understand.

Just business. Okay?

And this is e-business we're in.

Yes. For sure.

Yes.

Every Chrysler is like the city of Detroit on four wheels.

Come on, man.

And this is the top, top of the bottom line.

Now, this one...

This one's a three-seater.

It's not virgin plastic, so it's made from other stuff.

This could be a bottle...

Can you excuse me for one second?

Eddie, we are so sorry.

Boys, I got to tell you, when that commercial aired, wife and I went at it pretty bad.

I mean, I had my bags packed.

I was out the door.

And we decided, you know, "let's just make love one last time."

For the first time ever, we tried woman on top.

It was amazing.

Then we tried it again, woman on top.

Wasn't a fluke.

I was able to last longer.

It was like I was able to stall while she got what she needed.

And then, when she was done, I flipped her over, and I went real fast, so I got what I needed.

That's great, Eddie.

Very cool, very cool.

Spent the rest of the night in the hot tub, just laughing and talking.

I found out her favorite show is "Scandal."

I didn't know that.

I love "Scandal."

Oh!

That night, I remembered I was married to my best friend.

We thought you were gonna be mad.

Mad?

Your commercial saved my marriage.

[Bright music]

Great.

Thanks, guys.

♪ I'd stare the devil down for you ♪
♪ never make another sound unless you want me to ♪
♪ I'd turn my world around for you ♪
♪ just to hold you so gently ♪
♪ I'd bite back every frown for you ♪
♪ play the fool in front of all the town for you ♪
♪ rob a rightful king of his crown ♪
♪ and gladly pay the penalty ♪
♪ what I'd do for you ♪

Hey, babe.

Hey, hon.

How was your day?

You won't even believe what happened.

A truck axle fell on the assembly line and pinned Fred to the ground.

Oh, man, what did Tony do?

Well, you know Tony.

Yeah.

He just ran around like a chicken with his d*ck cut off.

Classic Tony.

I had to lift the dang thing up myself so little Joey could come drag him out from under it.

You wore your hernia belt, right?

You worry too much.

I worry about you.

Baby.

You coming upstairs?

I sure am.

♪ They can just wait in line ♪
♪ what I'd do for you ♪
♪ I'd pay the price, the sacrifice ♪
♪ just to see it through ♪
♪ stand through all the storm and strife ♪
♪ what I'd do for you ♪
♪ every day, I'd yell ♪

Sam!

Sam!

♪ You can put me through hell ♪

Sammy!

What's up, bud?

Just wanted to say great work today, pal.

Thanks.

You too, buddy.

You talking to my brother?

Mm-hmm.

How's flipping that house going, you idiot?

You're the idiot, Chrissy.

I bought this house for $20,000.

And it's a lot harder than I thought.

Sorry-ass.

Man, shut up, dummy.

Good night.

Night, buddy.

I love you.

Love you too.

Who even cares?

♪ What I'd do for you ♪
♪ I'd do anything for you ♪
♪ Yes, I will, darling ♪
♪ Just to see it through ♪
♪ stand through the storm ♪

Candleholder!

Candleholder!

Candleholder!

Candleholder!

[Grunts]

Oh!

Candleholder.

So it does break.

[Laughter]

It does break.

So it does break.