01x02 - My Balls, Dickhead

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Imposters"...

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Mazel tov!

Yeah, I think we've been robbed.

My wife's car is here, but she's...

I'm worried she's been kidnapped or...

Hi, Ez.

Credit cards, the checking account, cash.

It's a shock.

You will replay every moment we shared together, think about every person we met along the way.

[knock at door]

Who the hell are you?

Federal Burro of Investigation.

Did you say "burro"?

Who are you?

I am her husband... just like you.

We married the same woman, and she took us both.

She's out there, probably working some new guy, looking like some new chick.

I'm supposed to fall in love with this guy?

Gary Heller... managing director of the Pacific Bank and Trust.

I bet his bark is worse than his bite.

That's what the last two girls said.

What do you know about facial-recognition software?

So the initial fee is...

1,000 American dollars.

You will never find me.

Mr. Heller?

Hi. I'm Saffron Keyes.

Every few years, I like to try new places, new faces.

Hi. I'm Saffron Keyes.

Showtime.

He's ready to see you now.

Mr. Heller?

Hi.

I'm Ms. Keyes. You can call me Saffron.

Yes, Ms. Keyes... Saffron.

Please come in. Take a seat.

Thank you.

As you know, I'm looking for a new assistant.

My job is a very big one.

Assistant?

I thought I was here to sell you Girl Scout cookies.

Would you like to try one? They're very delicious.

You're being funny. You're funny.

That's good.

Good. I'm glad I can be funny.

I usually get "adorable" or "cute" or "hot."

Blech.

Yes, well... [clears throat] Let's see.

Uh, Philadelphia Savings Bank, Montclair Insurance.

These are all excellent references.

What brings you to Seattle?

Well, I guess you can call me somewhat of a free spirit.

Every few years, I like to try new places, new faces.

A free spirit in banking.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure that that's a thing.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I can be quite serious. [groans seriously]

[chuckles] Funny again.

Thanks again.

Boy, if you keep flattering me like this, who knows what will happen in here?

Excuse me?

Uh... [giggles]

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I was just joking.

Do you think you can just waltz in here, bat your eyelashes, and get this job?

No.

Do you think I've never f... ed a pretty girl in my life before?

Mr. Heller, I didn't mean...

You can leave now.

Now!

Someone must've really done a number on you.

What did you just say to me?

I said... whoever broke your heart must've really done a number on you.

You don't know a damn thing about me.

I know what hurt looks like.

I see it all over you, and I know how it can harden a person.

But you see, I made a choice to not let it get to me.

And you, mister, well, you or some people... they let it make them mistrustful...

I mean "mistrustable."

M-mistrusting... whatever that stupid word is.

I think it's mistrusting. [chuckles]

Don't you laugh at me.

I'm not. I'm not.

I swear, Ms. Keyes, I'm not.

I suppose I just... "mistrustabled" you.

Right?

[chuckles]

Look, I may have overreacted, and for that, I apologize.

Apology accepted.

Would you still like to be my assistant?

[giggles] Really?

I thought I totally blew it.

[taps desk]

You were right about one thing.

I am untrusting.

Professional hazard, let's say.

So be loyal.

Yeah?

Absolutely.

You can count on me.

15 months, 2,000 miles, and I finally found her.

5 1/2 weeks and 9 miles, and I finally found her.

Yeah, I also got my life ripped apart.

Oh, and by the way, the spy shop was my idea, so I guess I really did find her.

Yeah, but I found you first, bro... you didn't find me.

I didn't know you existed.

Exactly.

First I found you, and now I found Alice.

And now I'm gonna take her ass back to Scottsdale, and after a few special nights which remind her of this thing I do with my pinkie, she's all yours.

Nice. Very classy.

What, you don't want one more night with Ava?

There is no Ava.

I want to know who she really is.

Oh, that's her.

Thank you. This... this is great.

Yeah, but it's all crossed out.

Where's the intel on her 20?

Her location.

Oh, I have her 20, full address...

Take you right to the front door... all right here.

Can you get it for us, please?

Relax, man.

I'd love to get it for you. You got $5,000?

What?

What?

No, no, no, we gave you $1,000 to find her.

You must be the smart one.

And the pretty boy here is the muscle.

[chuckles] $1,000 to find her, $5,000 if you want to see the intel.

You've got to be joking.

That's bullshit, man.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I don't do jokes. See you when you got $5,000.

Hey, man, I don't think you...

Whoa!

Hey, whoa, dude.

Everyone just relax. Everything's fine.

If everything in this world is fine, I'd be out of business.

[chuckles]

You see my titties?

Do you see my titties?

I don't see no titties.

No, no, no, no.

That's right, b*tches, 'cause I ain't your mama.

Now, until you have my 5 large, get the hell out of my store.

Okay.

Okay.

We'll do that.

Okay.

[grunts, groaning]

Just throw that down right here.

Thanks for the help.

You could use a little upper-body work.

I made a projected inventory, price-inflation- towards-reduction chart.

According to my calculations, we should clear 7 to 10 grand, no problem.

Really? Good. That's great.

Yeah. Just let me do the selling, all right?

Once I'm on a roll, try not to get in my way.

Yeah, God forbid I should keep you from getting sh*t in the face.

Oh, did you keep me from getting sh*t in the face, puppy-dog eyes?

That dude's an assh*le.

He needs to learn a lesson.

Okay, I get it. Just keep your temper.

All right, last chance, man.

Anything you want to save?

[dramatic drumbeats]

Sell it all.

Who wants to buy some goodies?

You do.

What's up, man?

All right, let's go see this.

Five bucks more, and it's all yours, buddy.

All right. Awesome.

Awesome, ladies.

That's a good find.

Yes, ma'am.

Enjoy that purse. I'll take it.

Thank you very much, ladies. That is such a beautiful dress.

I think it would look great on you.

You know, you can go try it on, if you'd like, right inside.

It's really nice.

[French accent] Do you like it?

I bought you that dress.

I know, chéri.

Perhaps you want to keep this one.

Little memento, no?

What do you think?

You look incredible.

You can't not buy it.

I'll take it.

Good call.

How much?

Actually, that one's free. Take it.

Oh, are you sure? Let me give you something for it.

Take it right now, and it's free.

Otherwise you can deal with Glengarry Glen Ross over here.

Okay. Uh, well, thanks.

You're welcome. Have a good one.

Dude, if you let emotion get in the way of selling...

I bought Ava that dress, and I needed it gone, so let it go.

I don't care...

Let it go.

Fine.

How we doing?

[sighs] Well, with 79% of our inventory gone, we have made 12% of our projection.

What the hell?

Look, man, I'm used to selling cars, all right?

You overprice, reduce price, sell. It's simple.

Your weird kitchen stools aren't exactly making it easy.

Yes, of course I remember.

I have it right here in my purse.

Look, check out this guy.

He's what we call a "beta-alpha."

Thinks he's an alpha male, and he's actually a beta male.

Sounds about right. That's my brother.

Hey, man. Uh, this is Richard. He's, uh... helping me with the yard sale.

Pleasure to meet you, man.

What's up?

All right, well, back to the wars.

[chuckles]

[scoffs] What a shitshow, Ez.

You're better than this, man... chasing after Ava or whatever her name is.

I mean, let's get you out of this funk.

Don't bother. I'm gonna find her.

I'm gonna straighten things out.

How, by ruining your life even more?

By sh1tting on your friends and family?

Mom and Dad... they're heartbroken, man.

Gaby quit. She's out.

What even happened there, man?

It's none of your business.

It absolutely is my business.

And now the bank is taking your house.

I didn't even ask you to come!

Boys, boys! That's enough.

Sweetie, can we have a talk?

Oh, I thought you said "we." I get it.

Okay, I'm gonna go look at some stuff.

Come on.

So you're really going to just go?

I am.

[sighs]

I can't understand it, but I want to.

Mom, it's gonna be fine. I promise.

Your dad is very upset with you.

But... he wants you to have this.

I can't take that.

Honey, don't be proud.

She took all your money. She took everything.

Let us just help you through this.

Mom, my whole life I've been leaning on you.

Not anymore.

It's called parenting.

That's what we do.

[breathes deeply] Thank Dad for me, okay?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

It's Binky.

[chuckles]

No one else should have this.

Can I buy this? It should stay in the family.

Of course.

Okay, good. I'll give you $5,000.

Nice try.

[keys clacking]

♪ Did you ever really love me? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Did you ever really care? ♪

[doorbell rings]

Good morning, Mr. Heller. Nice to see you.

I start in kitchen. It's okay?

♪ ♪

Welcome.

Thanks.

[Frazey Ford's "September Fields"]

Happy first day.

♪ ♪

Mr. Heller?

Coffee.

Milk and two sugars.

Back in a jiffy.

This is Andy, the youngest member of our team.

And best-looking.

Till now.

Oh.

[giggles]

I'm Saffron. Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, too.

Here's Mr. Heller's mail. Good luck.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ ♪
♪ Well, all you have to do is wander ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Over fields of dark time ♪
♪ Where do you find yourself ♪
♪ Feeling lonesome? ♪

I don't know how the hell this happened.

Mr. Heller, I picked these up at lunch for you.

I hope you don't mind.

♪ ♪

What the hell is this?

That is my g*dd*mn password.

Saffron!

[computers beeping]

♪ ♪

Mr. Heller, this is Florence Hayes, our new IT man.

Did you turn it off and turn it on?

[sighs]

Good night.

♪ Do you have a home for the morning? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And are you holding... ♪

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Joe.

Good night, sir.

Oh, whoa, whoa, hey. Hang on, hang on.

I got us. I got us.

Wow.

Good gods.

Well, aren't you my knight in shining armor?

All right, carefully, this way.

Come on.

So your two-week review is coming up.

Oh, yeah?

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

The fresher the milk, the more delicious the cheese will be.

Obviously, it would be best if you had your own cow.

But if you're not willing to make that sort of commitment, just buy milk and warm it up, but very slowly, on the stovetop.

Now, when we come back from break, I'll go into the different coagulants.

Okay, back in ten.

Hi.

Hey.

I just wanted to return your book.

Thank you.

Josh told me you quit, huh?

I did. Yeah, I just needed to not be surrounded by Blooms all the time.

I can relate to that.

Yeah. [chuckles]

And now you make cheese?

No, no, it's just... it's a new hobby.

Just trying to fill my head with other thoughts.

Look, Gaby, I'm so sorry for what happened that night that I, um, made you talk in an accent.

And then told me it wasn't up to scratch?

[chuckles]

I actually, like, really needed a kick in "zee" butt.

So thank you.

It was a good wake-up call.

[gentle music]

I don't think you know this, but...

[sighs] I used to get into work early every single day so I could watch you walk down the street... sort of see you out in the world.

I would imagine that I was somebody that you didn't know, and you would accidentally bump into me, and then we would...

[claps hands loudly]

Okay, everyone, break's over.

Let's go make cheese.

I should get back, or my curds won't form properly.

Yeah, don't let that happen. Sounds bad.

You should keep this.

I underlined passages... not very subtle... but I actually think page 35 is more for you now.

Page 35.

Yeah.

Got it.

Mm.

Ezra, um...

$5,000, that's a bargain.

Binky... I just thought it was really nice that you let your mom buy it.

[door buzzes]

Oh, well, look who's here.

Where's the pretty one?

I am the pretty one.

This is $5,000.

Yes, it is.

I'm pretty damn sure I said $7,500.

Hmm. I'm pretty damn sure you said $5,000... and "ow."

What?

Ah!

Yeah, I thought so.

[groans]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

My balls, dickhead.

Grab it.

[sighs]

This is where she lives?

Yeah.

Pleasure doing business.

[upbeat music]

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

That is what I'm talk...

What's up?

[grunts] Yeah, man!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, come on.

Ah, that is disgusting.

Hey.

Just gonna ditch me?

What?

After I found her for you?

I was just getting...

Bullshit.

And you went to my mother behind my back?

What kind of man does that?

The kind of man who has his eyes on the mother-effing prize, who isn't mooning over a red dress, 'cause the way I see it, man, you either want to find her or you don't.

Oh, I do.

Then do whatever it takes.

Oh, I will, but I will not trust you.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna cry.

Did you get the intel?

Yeah.

He wanted more money, but I took care of it.

You got, what, gum?

I did what I had to do.

So are you ready to go find her?

Yeah.

Keys?

You know, you could've just opened the passenger-side door.

I-I know.

[engine turning over]

All right, let's put some tunes on.

[Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" playing]

You got to be kidding me.

Don't do that.

What?

Do not be the guy that does not think that Chris Martin has it all figured out.

Oh, my God.

♪ I used to rule the world ♪
♪ Seas would rise when I gave the word ♪
♪ Now in the morning, I sleep alone ♪

How are you gonna make that?

You are worrying way too much.

We're all good. I have all the logistics.

I have all the data.

All we have to do is head there on Wednesday...

Can I have an espresso and a croissant, please?

Yeah, do you want it to stay or to go?

How about to stay?

[chuckles] Hey.

Hey.

Uh, that's all right. I don't want to interrupt.

You're not. I was just leaving.

So next Friday?

Yeah.

♪ For some reason, I can't explain ♪

It's a business associate.

I didn't ask.

You didn't have to.

Come on, why don't you sit with me for a minute?

♪ ♪

Princeton... fancy.

Well, full disclosure...

Princeton was a scholarship because I was good at math, and math led me to tech, and then tech led me here.

Following your dreams?

[chuckles] More like following the path of least resistance.

I created an algorithm for my senior thesis.

A few companies out here became interested, and...

What does the algorithm do?

You really interested?

So far.

Okay.

[giggles]

Well, let's say one day you happen to meet a tall, good-looking guy that you think you might want to marry.

For the sake of the story.

Well, madame, we've just met, so this certainly isn't an offer.

Well, give it a minute.

I'm kidding.

Touché.

Anyway, so you're online.

You're searching for rings and venues, and my algorithm says, "Hey, someone in here is a romantic, wedding-planning fool."

And then companies start sending you coupons for DJs and honeymoon places.

It kind of helps the marketplace to...

Take advantage of just how predictable human behavior is.

Well, I mean, if you want to be cynical about it, that's a good way to put it.

But I like to say I'm helping people find...

Buy more sh*t.

[laughs]

Sorry. I'm sorry. That's really impressive.

So you run a tech company?

I did run a tech company.

And about six months ago, I got some offers to sell... and here I am.

Yes, here you are.

You know, I know this is out of the blue, but, um, Saturday I'm having a barbecue...

Some friends, some family coming by.

Why don't you join us, have some lunch, a few drinks?

No.

Whoa.

Sorry. It came out wrong. I-I would love to.

It's just, you know, new job and, um, a lot on my plate right now.

Okay, well, yeah, no.

No pressure.

[clears throat]

But just in case... here is my number.

Hey.

Well, good morning, Ms. Keyes.

Uh, Patrick, this is, uh, Florence, the new IT guy.

The IT guy?

Got to watch those IT guys.

He knows where the bodies are buried.

Ha!

Anyway...

Give me a call, just in case.

Great.

You guys have a great day.

Yeah.

We're not even halfway there, and at the rate we're going through gas and snacks...

We need to eat every two hours to maintain peak performance.

Whatever. Look, the point is $213.12...

Is definitely not gonna get us there.

We need to figure out how to get more.

We need to get smart.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

So I can't buy protein shakes, but you can buy books?

Short cons.

Let's make some money the old-fashioned way.

Start reading.

[sighs]

I'll give you a dime for every quarter you can lay on end.

Sir?

How you doing?

Hi. Could I get a Miller, please?

You got it.

♪ ♪

Ten in a row.

♪ ♪

"Chapter one, The Fundamentals... No short-con repertoire would be complete without the classic distraction maneuver known as the 'bait and switch.' The key is picking the appropriate unsuspecting target."

So we're really gonna do this?

I mean, I want to find her, man. I really do, but... this guy and his family?

That'll make us just as bad as...

Ava.

You know, one of those books said you can't cheat an honest man.

Yeah, I read that. I still don't get it.

Hey, thank you.

You're welcome.

It's like there are people who set themselves up to be taken because they're, you know, greedy or selfish or mean.

You know what? We need some ground rules.

We need, like, a code of conduct for how far we're willing to go.

Like you said, we can't just steal from normal people, right?

You know what else?

Bushido, the samurai code... the true warrior must hold that loyalty, courage, and honor are important above all else.

Nice.

[upbeat funky music]

No old people.

Sure.

Yeah.

No kids.

No people who look, you know, sad.

Yeah.

No nice moms or dads... or anyone who's limping.

No babies.

What does that leave us?

[horn honks]

Hey, lady... next time get both hips replaced.

Both: Assholes.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me there, bud.

Uh, you know, I seem to have gotten a little bit lost.

Maybe you could help me out here.

Sure. I'm tourist information today... where you going?

So we are heading, um, to the east, and we need a...

I'm trying to get on the 29 here.

Yeah, that's where your finger's pointing...

Right there, the 29.

That's right.

But I-I can't figure out how to get to it.

See right out there where it says turn left to the 29?

[mouths words]

That's how you get to the 29.

Oh. Okay, that would make sense.

What?

What are you two zibs doing?

You should be more careful with this, sir.

What the hell? Are you trying to lift my card, assh*le?

Hey, he's not an assh*le. You're the assh*le.

Oh, my God, an American eagle.

Go, go, go!

[engine turning over]

He's coming!

I know! I know!

Go, go, go!

I'm going, I'm going!

Go, go!

Okay!

Turn, turn, turn!

I'm turning!

Oh, God!

That did not go well!

I know! I was there!

His big hobby, his passion is darts.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

No, he's in a darts league that competes every Friday at a pub called St. James's Well.

Am I the only one who thinks there's something off about this job?

The only thing off is Maddie's focus.

Oh, give me a break, Max.

Maddie, I want to make something very clear.

This job happens to be of special interest to the Doctor.

Max is just freaking out 'cause I had coffee and talked to some guy at a coffee shop.

No, it's the way that you were talking to him that concerns me.

You know what, Sal?

Why don't you tell her about Tulsa?

Max...

No, tell her, Sal.

She needs to know.

What?

What happened in Tulsa?

[sighs]

It was almost ten years ago, I guess.

We'd just started working for the Doctor.

It was a... a long game... a real-estate scam... and about the hottest summer you can imagine, so I went to the movies a lot.

And this guy was... sitting a few seats from me one night, and he offered me some Junior Mints.

[chuckles]

His name was Martin.

And he was... just about the sweetest guy I ever met.

We just seem to fit.

You know, sometimes you get a taste of real life, and it seems pretty all right.

You start daydreaming, you know... about getting out for good.

So what happened?

Well, let's just say the Doctor sent me a message... a little reminder that anybody not in the life, not like us, is a liability.

[whimpering]

[crying]

And if you care about those people, you know... you have to be careful.

[inhales deeply] And sweet Max...

[exhales deeply] was there to put me back together, weren't you, Maxie?

Anything for you, Sal. You know that.

Ahh.

All right, I get it.

But this guy at the coffee shop... he's a nobody.

You don't have to worry.

Really, I'm on it.

[indistinct chatter]

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter continues]

♪ ♪

Want something?

Yeah. I'll have a Manhattan, please.

Mm-hmm.

Keep the change.

I need a little favor.

You know what? Put it on our tab.

Hi.

No, thanks.

Why not?

If I let you, it'll cost me more.

[chuckles] All right, all right, fair enough.

How about if I can get you to say the word "seventeen"?

♪ ♪

Hmm?

I bet I can get you to say "seventeen," and if I do, you have to join us.

You're on.

All right.

What's two plus two?

Four.

Four plus four?

Eight.

Eight plus eight?

Sixteen.

See, I told you I could get you to say "sixteen."

No, you said "sevente"...

See? What?

[chuckles] You walked right into that one.

[giggles] Okay, I'm impressed.

All right, you can buy me a drink now.

All right.

What's going on here?

Mr. Heller.

Gary, you... know this one?

Ms. Keyes works for me.

Really? Give your HR person a bonus.

All right, all right.

♪ ♪

What are you doing here?

I live right around the corner.

Just getting to know the city.

Is this a good spot?

Well, you have to go where the darts are if you're in a darts league.

Big darts game tonight?

[scoffs] Match.

It's called a darts match.

Oh. Big darts match tonight?

You know, the game of darts goes back to the Battle of Agincourt in the 15th century.

The first dartboard was actually the cross section of a tree.

Wow.

You're a real enthusiast.

I kind of like history in general.

I like the perspective on why things happen.

Hmm. Hmm.

Never been my favorite subject.

I do love old movies, like "Casablanca."

Mm, that's kind of history, right?

[both laugh]

Ms. Keyes, you are a breath of fresh air.

Call me Saffron. We're not at work.

Gary, more vodka sh**t before I take your money.

Your turn, big guy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, my turn, my turn.

Oh, and, um, when I come back, will you teach me how to sh**t a dart?

Okay, but are you sure you don't want the reigning champ to teach you?

Positive. I imagine Gary knows what he's doing.

♪ ♪

Vodka, vodka, water.

Drink them under the table.

[smooches]

[all cheering]

[rock music]

Ahh! [laughter]

Okay, okay, okay.

There's a lot of money on that table... I'm nervous.

No, no, I got your covered. Don't worry about it.

Don't believe him! Gary's not exactly on a winning streak.

Ignore that. Just ignore that. Focus just on this.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Do it!

[breathes deeply]

♪ ♪

Aah! Oh, my gosh! In your face!

That is bullshit!

No, no, no, that is such bullshit.

Let's go again, double or nothing.

Double or nothing, let's go again.

Let's go again.

Don't be a sore loser, Freddy.

I think I better quit while I'm ahead.

Hey, Gary is a p*ssy, okay? You don't have to be a p*ssy.

And he's, like, so cranky. He's so cranky.

Ever since Patty left him for the pool boy...

[growls] Keep talking, Freddy. Keep talking.

Jesus, calm down.

Keep talking.

Apologize to the lady.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Apologize to the lady.

Relax, man!

Gary, Gary, can we please just get out of here?

[breathing heavily]

Please?

[exhales sharply]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[computer beeping]

♪ ♪

[mouse clicking]

[keys clacking]

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

What the hell?

Sorry I lost my temper back there.

No, it's okay. You were just defending my honor.

[keys clatter]

[door closes]

[sighs]

I don't feel so good.

[sighs deeply]

Get you a glass of water.

I know people say you're a jerk, but... [water running] they just don't know the real you.

[sighing]

♪ ♪

I'm just gonna put this here.

You're gonna need that.

Oh, and a truckload of aspirin.

♪ ♪

Get some sleep.

♪ ♪

[door closes]

[line trilling]

[line clicks]

Hello?

So this barbecue on Saturday...

Yes?

I was just wondering if there was gonna be a smoked brisket involved.

Wait. So you'll come based on the meat?

[giggles] Yes.

[jazz music playing over phone]

Yes, that's the deciding factor.

Done. So what's up for tonight?

Uh, not much.

Just a quiet evening at home.

You?

Not a lot... just getting my daily dose of jazz.

You hear it?

Love that one.

Crank it up.

[volume increases]

♪ ♪

You've got something right here on your...

Me?

What is that... ketchup?

What?

Huh?

Okay, not bad.

You felt it?

A bit, a bit.

Ah.

Okay, my turn.

All right.

[exhales sharply]

Taxi!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No worries.

Ooh, man, only a slight breeze that time.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's getting better.

All right. Ready for some driving?

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's go.

I could use a little "Viva La Vida" right about now.

Okay, how about this?

From now on, whoever has the wallet controls the radio.

Deal, baby. Let the game begin.

What the...

How'd you do that?

Thank you.

Son of a bitch.

[The National's "Start a w*r"]

♪ We expected something, something better than before ♪
♪ We expected something more ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Do you really think you can just put it ♪
♪ In a safe behind a painting, lock it up, and leave? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Do you really think you can just put it ♪
♪ In a safe behind a painting, lock it up, and leave? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Walk away now ♪

"At the bottom of every frozen heart, there is a drop or two of love..."

Till death do us part.

"Just enough to feed a birds."

♪ ♪

This better work.

It's sourdough, right?

Yep. Here you go.

Thanks.

It's all old folks.

Not an assh*le in sight.

Should we just go?

Oh. You know...

Hey, does "wheat" sound anything like "sourdough"?

You know, put a nickel in it, honey.

Assholes Tr*mp old people.

Good amendment.

It's a living document.

Mustard dip. Ready?

The mustard dip... a simple yet effective small-time con.

You know the secret to making toast?

Pick a mark with a calm, easygoing temperament.

You toast it!

Next, casually spill a condiment of your choosing on your unsuspecting mark.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Now, in one simple, fluid motion, remove your mark's jacket.

This should be done without effort or aggression.

Finally, extract the wallet just as your partner appears to seamlessly abscond with it.

Perfect in elegance and simplicity.

This man stole my wallet!

Well done.

Whoa. No, he did not.

Here... It's here.

I found it. It's on the floor.

You should be nicer.

Eat a D, Nancy.

Sorry about that.

Dude, that was so embarrassing, man.

Dude, we suck.

[pats back]

Hey.

I took it right out before I gave it back.

[grunts] I knew we had it, man!

Shh!

Way to go, dude.

Ooh, gets you all... adrenaline, endorphins.

I know.

It's like a drug.

I know.

Hey, you think this is how she felt when she took us?

I mean, what if we don't even recognize her?

She might not recognize us.

[chuckles]

Whew. We need to get cleaned up, man.

We're less than an hour away.

[mysterious music]

Going out for a few hours, Viv.

See you later.

Okay, have good day.

♪ ♪

[door closes]

♪ ♪

[floor creaks]

♪ ♪

[hollow knocking]

♪ ♪

[keys jingling]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Good. You're still here.

Oh, hello, Mr. Heller.

I almost done and, uh, get out of here.

I go now.

No, stay.

Please.

There's something I want to ask you about.

Sure, yeah.

So this girl...

Saffron.

Oh, such a pretty name.

And you like her?

So what problem?

I had a fiancée... not so long ago, and it did not end well for me.

Oh, the heart is strong muscle.

It spring back.

You ready for the love again.

Yeah, but I don't know if this is the kind of woman that...

Come, Mr. Heller, you handsome man.

Don't.

I know how people see me.

But this Saffron make you feel good.

Yeah.

She makes me want to... be nice.

I think you have good luck with this girl.

If there's any way we could see the room before paying for it... um, we just want to make sure the room is up to our standards.

We don't usually let people see the rooms before they check in.

I guess they just don't want us here, babe.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

You want to carry me over the threshold, too?

Yeah, you wish. Let's hurry this up.

[gargles, spits]

Are you coming out anytime this year?

[gargles]

Crap, I think we're out of hot water.

[shivering]

Hey, man, you want to use this?

Eat sh*t!

[razor buzzing]

[sighs]

Hello, Alice.

Hello, Ava.

We decided against it.

Um, not enough... natural light.

Thank you.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This is it.

[elevator bell dings]

♪ ♪

What's up?

[breathes deeply]

She's in there.

Yeah.

Okay, whatever happens...

[sighs]

Good luck.

Yeah, man, you too.

All right, mother-frickin' Avon calling.

♪ ♪

[on computer] Let's meet Julia and her husband, John.

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

John, you love your wife a lot, right?

Just a minute.

All right.

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

♪ ♪

Yeah?

Uh, that'll be $16.75.

Here you go.

Great.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Do you know this woman?

Are you kidding me? She's my wife.

No way.

[mellow percussive music]

Is she dead?

What?

No.

No, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

We want to ask you some questions, please.

Open this door...

♪ 'Cause we gon' ride into the sunset, baby ♪
♪ Yeah, we going for a ride ♪