Scene Seven – The Branford Inn
Daphne: There’s a veterinarian’s five minutes from here, I’m sure he
can make Eddie cough up that ring.
Frasier: All right then, off you go, both of you.
Daphne and Niles exit with Eddie.
Frasier: Hurry, please! We’ve only got the skywriter until five!
As he settles down, he notices the heat growing in the room.
Frasier: Clint, would you please turn up that air conditioning to
the maximum? That ice sculpture over there is by the
renowned artist Arthur Nudzac, and it’s melting already!
Clint does. In a few seconds, however, the unit sputters and dies with
Frasier: What’s that?
Clint: We just blew out the compressor.
Frasier: Just don’t just stand there, please, call a repairman.
Clint exits. Roz knocks on the glass, with a crowd of highly agitated
guests behind her. They are coughing.
Roz: Frasier! Frasier!
Frasier cracks the door.
Roz: You have got to let these people in!
Frasier: Yes, Roz, I’m sorry, I know it’s warm...
Roz: No, it’s not the heat. That truck that just crashed was full
Distressed mooing is heard in the distance.
Frasier: Well, the sound of gentle mooing in the background might lend
a pastoral effect.
Roz: Cattle, Frasier – large, un-diapered cattle that just heard a
cannon go off!
Frasier: Oh. All right, I’ll handle this. Um, wedding guests, we thank
you for your cooperation and your patience...
Seeing the door open, the guests ignore him and push their way in,
holding their noses.
Frasier: People, people, please!
But he’s helpless to stem the tide.
Scene Eight – Vet’s Office
Daphne and Niles are seated in the waiting room with Eddie. Also
seated are a man with a carrying cage, and a woman, Rachel, playing
with a monkey perched on her shoulder.
The vet, a young man named Dr. Hauck, comes out with a pill bottle.
Hauck: [to the owner] Okay, here are your pills, twice a day. [leans
down to the box’s door] And you feel better, Mr. Kitty Cat.
A harsh meow from the cage jerks him back. He straightens up.
Hauck: Who’s next?
Rachel: I am. [the monkey cheeps]
Hauck: Oh, gosh.
[N.B. Arleen Sorkin has a long affiliation with Frasier. Aside from
being the wife of executive producer Christopher Lloyd, she often
voiced the parts of callers into Frasier’s show during rehearsals
and studio tapings, before the celebrity voices were dubbed in later.
Of course, I remember her best as the voice of Harley Quinn on Batman:
the Animated Series – her shining moment was successfully performing
“Amazing Grace” on a kazoo. -- Mike Lee]
Niles: Actually, we have an emergency here. Our dog swallowed a
ring, and it’s holding up a whole wedding.
Rachel: Go ahead, I can wait.
Daphne/Niles: Thank you./Thank you so much.
Reset to: Examining Room
Daphne and Niles follow Dr. Hauck in and place Eddie on the surgical
Hauck: Boy, no easy ones today. Talk about hitting the ground
Niles: Is this your first day?
Hauck: Yep. I’m not in Kansas anymore.
Niles: Where’d you go to vet school?
Hauck: Kansas. All right, here we go. Now if you hold his mouth
open for me, I’ll see if I can get his paw down his throat...
[off their shocked looks] I’m just kidding, I’m just... you
know what, why don’t I just take your pooch to the other room
here, and I’ll just, I’ll be right back.
Niles: All right.
Hauck: Excuse me. [picks up Eddie] All right, buddy.
Niles: Thank you.
He carries Eddie to another room.
Daphne: He has no idea what he’s doing.
Niles: Oh, he’s just new at this, he’s nervous.
Daphne: I’ve been a bit nervous myself lately, ever since me brothers
Niles: Really? Why?
Daphne: Well, you know, the way they keep patting my stomach and
saying, “he’s a Moon all right!”
Niles: [relieved] Oh my God, yes!
Daphne: And every time they say that, all I can think is, what if he’s
not? What if he’s like you and Frasier?
Niles looks up, appalled.
Niles: Excuse me?
Daphne: Oh, a Moon boy I know how to handle. But what if he’s a
little genius – teasing me in French by the time he’s six?
Niles: [laughing] That is so funny – I’ve been worried he’s gonna
turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when he kicked
that speaker off your belly, that you had a little Simon in
Daphne: [chuckles] They are a handful, my brothers. I can just
imagine the hell they’re raising back there.
Niles: With an open bar?
They chuckle – then Daphne suddenly clutches her stomach and we hear
the sound of water trickling onto the floor.
Daphne: [gasps] Oh my God, my water just broke! The baby’s coming!
Niles: Because I said “open bar”?!
Daphne begins to scream as her contractions start.
Niles: Oh, okay, all right, don’t-don’t panic, there’s plenty of time
to get you to a hospital.
Daphne: Oh! – the hell there is, it’s coming right now! Oh...!
Dr. Hauck enters.
Hauck: Here’s your ring.
Niles: Oh, here, here – [grabs the ring] Call an ambulance, my wife’s
having a baby!
Daphne: There’s no time for an ambulance! Oh!
Niles: Oh my God!
Hauck: Oh my God! Uh, uh, you know what, why don’t you-you call
Niles: All right!
Hauck: ...and-and I’ll just, I’ll just get started here.
Niles grabs a phone off the wall.
Hauck: Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait! [they stop and look at him]
I’m going to wash my hands!
As he rushes to the sink, panic makes Daphne scream even louder.
Daphne: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?!
Hauck: Oh, I’ve assisted in many deliveries, ma’am. In fact, one
just took blue ribbon at the Kansas State Fair.
Daphne: Oh! Oh my God! Oh!
Dr. Hauck helps her to lie on the surgical table.
Hauck: Easy now, you’re doing great, girl.
Daphne: Don’t call me that, I’m not a bloody poodle!
Niles: [into phone] Yes, hello, hello! We’re at, we’re at, uh...
[checks the phone] 1206 East Vilage Road, my wife’s gone
into labor! [to her] They say the hospital is twenty miles
away, can you make it if I drive you-?
Daphne’s only response is a louder scream.
Niles: She says no.
He hangs up and faces Daphne.
Niles: All right, they’re on their way, they’re on their way, now you
just calm down. Focus on me, and breathe. Breathe...
He begins Lamaze breathing, inhaling rapidly and blowing his cheeks
out. Daphne looks at him and does the same. However, Niles’s panic
gets the better of him and his inhalations quickly turn to wheezing as
he starts to hyperventilate, then passes out onto the floor.
Daphne: Oh! Oh, for God’s sakes! Oh!
Dr. Hauck is still struggling into rubber gloves and a surgical mask
when Rachel opens the door.
Rachel: Is everything okay in here?
Hauck: We’re fine.
Rachel: Okay. If you need any help, I’m a registered nurse. [starts
Daphne: Oh, get the hell back in here!
Hauck: Easy, girl.
Daphne: Stop that!
As she keeps gasping, we FADE TO:
Scene Nine – The Branford Inn
Back at the Inn, Frasier is presiding over chaos. All the guests are
crowded into the dining room, sweating like pigs and fanning themselves
frantically. In desperation, Roz opens the door and starts fanning the
air with it.
Frasier: Roz, do not open a window until they tow that cattle truck!
Roz: God, it’s a million degrees in here! We gotta get a breeze...
[coughs] Oh my God!
Roz, Frasier, and all the guests stagger and cough as the fetid breeze
from outside fills the room.
Martin and Ronee, dressed in suit and white gown, enter the room, and
the stench hits them in the face.
Martin: Oh my God! [he and Ronee hold their noses]
Frasier: [putting a blithe face on it] Dad, Ronee! We’re almost ready
Martin: What’s that smell?
Frasier: [pretending] Smell?
One of the guests, an elderly lady, hastily exits with her husband.
Guest: [holding her nose] Congratulations you two, everything’s just
perfect, sorry I can’t stay!
Ronee: What’s happening?
Frasier: There’s been a bit of a mishap with a cattle truck, and-and
the A.C.’s out. But no matter! Right, people? It’ll take
more than that to mar our joy at seeing these two become Mr.
and Mrs. Martin Crane!
BOOM! Everyone jumps – except Simon and Stephen, who just bellow with
laughter again and clink their champagne glasses together.
In the midst of this chaos, Frasier’s mobile rings.
Frasier: Hello? Well, finally, Niles! Stop babbling! Listen, Niles,
you’ll have to speak up, I can’t hear you with that baby
screaming in the backgr... Oh my God!
He gets a joyous look on his face.
[N.B. This scene was not shown in the U.K. broadcast.]
END OF ACT THREE
Scene Ten – Vet’s Office
Daphne is lying on the table, holding her newborn son. Niles, looking
haggard but happy, hugs her. Rachel and Dr. Hauck are scrubbing down
in the sink.
Daphne: Isn’t he perfect, Dad?
Niles: He certainly is, Mom. He’s got your eyes and my chin.
Daphne: He’s got my hair.
Niles: You think so?
Daphne: No, he’s got my hair. Let go, dear.
Rachel: If you can part with him for just two seconds, I should finish
cleaning him up.
Daphne: Of course.
Niles: We can’t thank you two enough.
He looks at Dr. Hauck, whose mask is askew on his forehead, and who
is struggling to remove his gloves.
Hauck: [modest wave] Oh, please.
Niles: Really, if there’s ever anything that we can do for you...
Rachel: You can do me one quick favor: my Jason is kind of overdue for
She indicates her monkey, perched on top of his cage.
Niles: Oh, of course.
CUT TO: Waiting Room
The room is empty. Frasier, Martin, and Ronee come in, still wearing
their wedding clothes.
Frasier: Hello? Niles?
Martin: Boy, some day, huh? Getting married and meeting my grandson
all in the same afternoon.
The door opens and there is Niles, holding a monkey tenderly under his
arm and feeding him with a bottle.
Niles: Hey, you guys! You’re just in time, come on in!
He goes back in, leaving the three gobsmacked.
Martin: [to a gaping Frasier] Don’t stare, you were no prize at that
Reset to: Examining Room
Frasier, Martin and Ronee follow Niles in.
Daphne: Oh, look who’s here. Hello.
Rachel enters from the washroom with the baby swaddled, and gives him
Rachel: Here we go!
Frasier: Oh my God, he’s beautiful!
Ronee: Yeah, that twin’s gonna be jealous his whole life.
Rachel: Your ambulance should be here any minute, so I think I’m gonna
Niles: All right. Thank you again.
Daphne: Thank you.
Hauck: Uh, you sure you don’t want me to check your monkey?
Rachel: [embarrassed laugh] Yeah, I’m sure.
She picks up Jason and his cage, and leaves. Dr. Hauck excuses himself
to the other room.
Niles: Thank you.
Daphne: Thank you.
Martin: [tickles the baby] Hey there, you! I’m the one who’s gonna
spoil you rotten.
Daphne: Oh, you’re so sweet to come down. But what about your
wedding, all those people?
Martin: Oh, they’ll keep.
Ronee: Yeah, as long as there’s an open bar.
Daphne: [to the baby] Ooh! Settle down there.
Niles looks nervous. Outside they hear an ambulance siren.
Niles: Oh, I guess that’s our ride. I’m so sorry we’re going to miss
Ronee: Oh, so are we.
Daphne: I feel like it’s me own dad getting married.
Martin: [pats her head] Oh yeah, it’s not gonna be the same without
you guys up there.
Niles: Well, don’t let me forget the rings.
He takes them out of his pocket.
Ronee: Hey, wait a minute! Why don’t we just get married here?
I mean, we’ve got the rings, and-and the preacher...
Martin: Well, what about all the guests?
Ronee: Well, we can do it again for them later. And at least this
place only smells like a monkey.
Martin: Well, I’m game. Get cracking, Fras!
Martin and Ronee stand on one side of the table. Daphne lies there,
holding the baby. Frasier and Niles stand on the other side, and
Frasier takes some speech cards from his pocket.
Frasier: You know, I’d better, uh, condense this just a bit... [reading
the cards] No, I don’t need that... and I don’t need that.
All right... ah. [begins] “It was the great thinker Horace
Martin: Don’t need that.
Frasier: [chucks the card] Well, all right then, uh... “Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...”
A paramedic, Rob, opens the door.
Rob: Someone call for an ambulance?
Martin: Just a couple seconds, please.
Rob looks puzzled, but obeys.
Frasier: All right, Niles, uh, why don’t you give them the rings?
Niles: [does] Here.
Frasier: I’ll just cut to the chase here. Uh, do you, Martin Crane
take Ronee Lawrence to be your lawfully wedded wife, forsaking
all others, until death do you part?
Martin: I do.
Frasier: Do you, Ronee Lawrence, take Martin Crane...?
Ronee: I do!
As Martin fits the ring on her finger, Daphne laughs, choking up.
Daphne: Oh, I’m tearing up.
Frasier: You know, if they’d let me say what I planned to, you’d be
bawling your eyes out right now.
Martin puts the ring on and holds Ronee’s hand.
Frasier: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
They kiss tenderly and hug. Hugs and laughter follow all around.
Then Niles opens the door to Rob.
Niles: We’re ready now. [to Martin and Ronee] We’re so happy for you
The paramedics wheel a gurney in, and Niles takes the baby as they
slide Daphne onto it.
Niles: And, you will always remember your anniversary, because it’s
the same day as your grandson’s birthday.
Martin: Yeah, and Eddie’s!
Frasier and Niles freeze.
Martin: Uh, never mind.
Ronee: Eddie’s birthday is today? So that’s how you came up with May
15th for the hotel?
Ronee: I knew it! And you’ve been blaming the inn all this time –
oh, you are so busted!
She walks out, Martin follows her slowly. Frasier, Niles, and Daphne
watch him, concerned.
Martin: [to the boys] That was a short honeymoon.
The paramedics wheel Daphne out. Niles follows.
AN IDLE KING
Scene Eleven - Apartment
It is evening, the rain is pouring outside. Frasier is sitting on his
couch, enjoying a book and a glass of sherry. After a few minutes, he
closes his book, drains his glass, then picks up the cordless phone and
Frasier: Hello, Lilith. Hey, it’s me. Yeah, listen, I was just
calling to check out how Freddy’s doing. What, a new one?
I thought he was smitten with the old one. Well, you know,
he gets that from me. Back in my heyday, I had a new chess
coach every month. [chuckles] Well, I’m... spending a lot of
time alone lately. Well, you know, Dad and Ronee are still
on their honeymoon. Oh yes, they thank you for that very
thankful radon detector you sent. Not seeing much of Niles
and Daphne either, because they’re so busy with the baby...
Oh! Uh, sorry to keep you. Yeah, just, uh, just tell Freddy
to call me. Okay, bye, Lilith.
He hangs up. He goes to the balcony door and opens it, listening to
the sound of the rain.
Someone rings the doorbell. Frasier eagerly goes to answer it, to a
Man: Here to pick up a chair?
Frasier: Right. It’s right there.
He points to the chair, which has been marked with strips of red tape
on the front.
Man: Sorry I’m late.
Frasier: It’s all right.
Man: Been waiting long?
Frasier: Eleven years.
The Man levers the chair onto his dolly and wheels it to the door.
But Frasier betrays some affection.
Frasier: Uh, be careful with it.
The Man slips it through the door, and it is gone.
[N.B. Cleto Augusto reprises his role as the Moving Man who brought
Martin’s chair to the apartment eleven years ago in [1.01] “The Good
Frasier contemplates the empty space where the chair was, then
joyfully brings the Eames from the upper landing down, and
places it in front of the TV, with its footstool. He steps
back and surveys the tableau with satisfaction.
He sits on the coffee table, looking around at his apartment.
For the first time in eleven years, he’s on his own. He should
be satisfied. But after a minute, he realizes that he’s not.
He picks up the phone again.
Frasier: Bebe, hi, it’s Frasier. Listen, about that San Francisco
job... I think I’ll take it.
He hangs up.
END OF ACT FOUR
Scene Twelve – Café Nervosa
Frasier takes his seat with Noel and Gil from KACL.
Gil: Have you heard anything, Frasier?
Frasier: About what?
Noel: The new station manager. They’re announcing today.
Gil: My stomach is in knots. I just know they’re going to
replace sweet, kind-hearted Kenny with some ruthless,
Noel: ...hard ass!
Gil: That would hardly make up for it.
Noel and Frasier share a knowing glance. The Agent of Hell enters
and disturbs the peace.
Frasier: [standing] Bebe. Oh, I’ll let you know if I hear anything,
guys. [goes to Bebe]
Bebe: It’s done. When destiny calls, Bebe calls back and screws
destiny to the wall.
Frasier: Yes, yes, yes. Shush, shush. I don’t want anyone to find
out. I’m not telling my family until this evening.
[motions her to the window seat]
Bebe: I’m so proud of you.
Frasier: [digging in his pocket] Oh, Bebe, listen, I have something
for you. I’ve decided to give away some of the things that
I’ve accumulated through the years. As sort of a... fresh
start, you know.
He hands her a piece of jewelry.
Bebe: My baby’s all grown up. [She puts her hands on his face] I
look in your eyes and I see something there that I’ve never
Bebe: Crow’s feet. Sorry, darling, but you’re going to be on TV
now. I talked to my face man, he can see you at four
o’clock. [dangles a card in front of him]
Frasier: Thanks, Bebe, but no thanks.
Bebe: I’m not talking surgery. Just talking a little tweaking,
twenty minutes. I’ve used him for years.
Frasier: And I’m sure he’s very good at what he does, but still it’s
just not me....
He is interrupted by a short, balding fat man in his late thirties,
sticking his head round the door (Steve).
Steve: I’m done next door, so I’ll be in the car, Mom.
He leaves. Frasier looks back at Bebe in disbelief.
[N.B. To anyone who doubts that she’s made a deal with Satan...]
Frasier: [taking card] Four o’clock it is.
[N.B. In Bebe’s debut episode, [1.09] “Selling Out,” she alluded to
a daughter who was about to graduate from university. But no
episode after that mentioned any children.]
Bebe leaves in excitement and passes Roz who is talking on her cell
Roz: Yeah. Thank you. Bye.
Noel’s and Gil’s ears have pricked up. They join her with Frasier.
Noel: You heard something, didn’t you?
Roz: [dazed] Yeah.
Frasier: Roz, are you all right?
Gil: Of course not. She’s ashen with terror. Spit it out, Roz.
Who’s the jack-booted tyrant whose fanny I’ll be kissing
till God knows when?
Gil: [kneeling] Joyful news, your majesty.
Frasier: You?! Roz, congratulations! Aren’t you excited?
Roz: I don’t know. It just hasn’t sunk in yet.
Frasier: Well, that’s understandable. I remember when I heard that
my advice would be heard by millions of people and...
Roz: [yelling in excitement] It just sunk in! I’m the boss!
Who wants to go have champagne?
Frasier: Oh gosh, Roz, I’d love to, but I have to go to a doctor’s
appointment. Can you come to my place for dinner tonight?
Frasier: Oh gosh, I’m so happy for you.
Roz: I’m just so excited.
Overcome with excitement, she grabs Frasier and kisses him on the
lips. Then she breaks and grabs Gil and kisses him on the lips.
Then it’s Noel’s turn...
She stops, realizing that he’s breathing shallowly, daring to hope.
At first she’s reluctant, but her excitement is so great that she
goes ahead and grabs Noel and kisses him on the lips. Noel, seizing
the moment, throws his arms around her and returns the kiss
passionately, bending her backwards.
After a while she finally manages to break free. Noel looks
thoroughly satisfied and puts his arm around her.
Gil: Well. Was that worth waiting for?
Noel: [still breathing heavily] He asked you a question, Roz.
TO STRIVE, TO SEEK, TO FIND
Scene Thirteen – Frasier’s Apartment.
Frasier is on the phone in the kitchen. He is playing with his
eyes. They won’t stop streaming with tears.
Frasier: Bebe, it’s Frasier. When you get this, call me, please.
I want to thank you for sending me to that quack of yours
today! He screwed something up and now my eyes won’t stop
Reset to: Living Room
Meanwhile, Daphne is opening the door to Roz. Martin and Ronee are
already there, snuggled together on the couch now that the apartment
Daphne: There she is.
Daphne: Well, and to you.
Ronee: Hey, does anyone know what this big occasion is? We had
plans and Frasier made us cancel.
Daphne: We’re not sure either. He said he had some sort of an
announcement to make.
Niles enters with Baby Crane in his arms.
Roz: Awww, there he is.
Daphne takes him.
Niles: Hello, Roz.
Daphne sits with him on the couch.
Martin: [tickles him] Hey, David, remember me? I’m your grandpa.
Ronee: [tickles him] Yes, and I’m your... Sorry, I just, I can’t
say it yet.
[N.B. In memory of David Angell.]
Reset to: Kitchen
Roz enters to find a teary Frasier.
Roz: Frasier, I brought some champagne if... Were you just
Frasier: No, no, Roz, of course not. Listen, could you take these
out for me? [passes her a tray of hors d’oeuvres]
Frasier: Thank you.
Reset to: Living Room
Roz: Is Frasier okay?
Martin: Sure, why?
Roz: Well, I think he was crying in the kitchen. I hope he’s
okay. He’s been at the doctor an awful lot lately.
Niles: Has he?
Roz: Yeah, he went today and he missed a whole show because of
an appointment last week.
Martin: He hasn’t said anything to us.
Frasier enters with a serving tray and a china plate.
Frasier: Ronee, I saw you admiring this China pattern.
Ronee: Oh, yes, it’s beautiful.
Frasier: Yes, well, I’d like to make a gift of them to you as a
Ronee: Gosh, Frasier, thank you.
Frasier: Of course. Oh, Niles, I know how much you’ve always
coveted this chess set. [holds it up] And I want you to
Niles: But this is your favourite. This is the one you learned
Frasier: Which is why I want it to be the set that you teach that
son of yours to play on. I haven’t forgot about you, Roz.
I’ll be right back.
Niles is left speechless. Frasier leaves concern in his wake.
Roz: I don’t like this.
Niles: Well, now, let’s not get alarmed. It’s marriage in the air
and a new baby, it’s just brought out his sentimental side.
The phone begins to ring and Roz goes to answer the phone. But the
machine picks up first.
Doctor: [v.o. on machine] Frasier, it’s Dr. Hanning. I’m really
sorry about your results. I know it doesn’t look good but,
um, I’m going to do everything I can for you. Call me.
[N.B. Rob Hanning wrote for the show.]
This confirms the suspicion.
Daphne: Oh my God...
Martin: Do you think that’s why he brought us all here tonight?
Frasier returns in high spirits with another gift.
Frasier: Here we are, Roz. I thought this art deco mirror seemed
He passes it to her, causing an immediate fit of emotion. She sobs
Frasier: Well that just shows you. I thought I’d get the bigger
reaction from the chess set.
Niles: Frasier, what’s going on here?
Martin: Yeah, giving all your stuff away? You’re not going
anywhere, are you...?
Frasier: Well, I didn’t want to say anything until after dinner so
as not to bring down the party, but...
Roz moans in tears again.
Frasier: I see you’re all ahead of me. Uh... listen, a couple of
weeks ago I got some unexpected news.
The emotion hits Niles. He begins to sob.
Frasier: Now you see, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
You mustn’t think of my leaving you as a sad thing, because
I don’t. I think of it as an adventure.
Daphne: Oh, Frasier, no....
Daphne falls into tears.
Frasier: We all knew we weren’t going to stay together forever. I
mean, that’s not what life is about. Cry, if you must, but
I assure you, when I pass through that Golden Gate I will
This is the last straw for Martin and he falls into tears.
Martin: [in utter misery] Golden Gate?
Frasier: Yes! That’s where I’m moving to! San Francisco!
A beat. The tears begin to dry, evaporated by their astonishment.
Frasier: My new job. I start next week. Now don’t just sit there
choking back the tears. Go ahead, let them out.
They instead begin laughing hysterically and hugging each other.
Frasier is mystified.
Scene Fourteen – Frasier’s Apartment
The scene cuts to the end of the party. Frasier, Martin and Niles
are having brandy out on the balcony together as Roz, Daphne and
Ronee sit in the living room.
Niles: To San Francisco.
Frasier: To San Francisco.
Martin: To San Francisco.
They clink glasses and take a swig - Martin’s swig being
considerably larger... what with finishing off the glass.
Frasier: You know it’s just an hour by plane, so I’ll be coming back
up as often as you like.
Martin: We know, Fras. Don’t worry about us.
Niles: We’re happy for you.
Frasier: I’m happy for myself. And scared too. But it’s a good
scared. Sort of the way I felt when I came here from
Boston. If I hadn’t done that, just think of what I would
have missed out on.
Niles: And, look what I would have missed out on. [looking over at
Daphne and David] God, they are so beautiful.
Martin: And they’ll stay like that as long as she keeps breast
Frasier and Niles share glances as Martin heads inside. Daphne
enters from the other door.
Daphne: Niles, could you take the baby? I need to get a blanket.
Reset to: Living Room
Frasier and Niles enter the living room to find Martin snugly laid
out on Frasier’s designer Eames chair.
Martin: Mmmm, well this is pretty comfortable. I would have been
okay with this!
Frasier wishes to die.
Frasier: [changing subject] Let me just help you with some of those
Frasier exits to the kitchen as Niles lays David down.
Martin: Ahh, handsome boy.
Niles: Yes. And to think I had myself all worked up worrying that
we would have nothing in common.
Martin: Oh, I’ve been there, Niles. It all works out.
Ronee enters from the kitchen.
Ronee: Well, Marty, we better get going. I’ve got a crazy
Roz: Me too. I’ve got a seven-thirty and then I’ve got to fire
Roz: Whoever scheduled the seven-thirty meeting!
Niles and Daphne, meanwhile, are tending to David.
Daphne: We should go too, honey.
Frasier: Oh, well, if you really must go, all right, but I tell you
what, don’t go without taking some of these éclairs with
As everyone heads for the door, the camera focuses on Frasier
rushing in and out of the kitchen.
Frasier: I’m on TV next week and the only thing worse than seeing
them going to waste would be seeing them go to my waist!
Frasier chuckles at his own word play as he enters the living room
with the éclairs. He is surprised to find everyone stood waiting
for him, heartbroken.
Roz puts down the art deco mirror and moves towards him.
Roz: Does it mean you’re really leaving? [chokes up] What will
I ever do without you? [hugging him dearly] You’re the
sweetest, most wonderful...
Martin: It’s okay, Roz. He’s not going till next week.
Frasier: Let her talk, Dad!
Roz: You’ve always been just like a brother to me. [breaking
hug] Which is weird, I know, because we slept together,
She hugs him again. Daphne puts her bag down.
Daphne: Ooh, move over, Roz. [goes to hug him] Do you know how many
operas I’m gonna get dragged to now you’re not around?
Frasier: Well, I promise I’ll fly up for all the German ones!
Martin: Yeah, and he’ll be here for Christmas... and
Thanksgiving... and birthdays... and... [convincing
himself] We’ll be sick of this guy!
Frasier: Yeah, Dad’s right. I mean, once I’m gone there’ll be no
getting rid of me.
Frasier moves towards his father. Martin begins to tear up as he
puts his hand on his son’s face.
Martin: Thank you, Frasier. For... well, you know.
They hug in a special moment that is so much more than the “one
lousy thank you” which Frasier begged of his father in “The Good
Ronee: Go get ‘em, kid.
They briefly hug. Frasier then turns around to his dear brother and
respected friend, Niles.
Niles: You already made me cry once tonight. That’s quite enough.
Frasier: Right. Coffee tomorrow?
They shake hands. After all, “a handshake is as good as a hug,”
as their mother once told them.
Niles: I’ll miss the coffees.
The tears begin to spring as they denounce their mother’s sentiments
and hug tenderly.
Frasier: I love you.
Frasier and Niles break the hug as Frasier turns to everyone.
Frasier: You all know how I feel about you, and the only reason I’m
leaving is because I want what all of you have now: a new
chapter. Who knows if it’ll even work out? [looking to
Martin] But it’s like that Tennyson poem Mom had us recite
for you when we were kids. Do you remember?
Martin: I think we’re about to.
Martin happily listens to Frasier’s final quote.
Frasier: It may be that the gulfs will wash us down,
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are...
Scene Fifteen – KACL
The scene dissolves into the radio station as Frasier delivers his
final show. He is finishing the same Tennyson poem. Roz is in the
producer’s chair, and a whole crowd of KACL staff is standing behind
her in the booth, including Kenny, Noel, Gil, and Bebe.
Frasier: Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
Frasier gives Roz a glance of weary happiness.
As he delivers his farewell remarks, the camera slowly pans around
until we are left with an image of Frasier finishing his show whilst
another crowd, including Niles, Daphne, Martin, Ronee and little
David watch silently on from behind the glass, in the corridor.
Frasier: I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I
think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play
it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive
we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances
we never took. And I hope that explains a little this
journey on which I’m about to embark. I have loved every
minute with my KACL family and all of you. For eleven
years you have heard me say, “I’m listening.” Well, you
were listening too. And for that I am eternally grateful.
Frasier hangs up his headphones for the final time.
Scene Sixteen – Airplane Cabin
The scene dissolves back to the present as Frasier finishes his story
to Anne Ranberg, his fellow airline passenger.
Frasier: We had a big party that night. It was all very sweet.
The plane jolts.
Anne: What was that?
Frasier: Oh, good heavens. [looking out of window] We’ve touched
Anne: Already? [laughs in amazement] Well, thank you so much,
I’ve never had an easier flight.
Frasier: And I’ve never had more delightful company.
Anne: I think it’s great what you’re doing.
Frasier: Well, I just know I’d always regret it if I didn’t take the
Frasier and Anne sit in silence as the pilot announces their arrival.
Pilot: [v.o] Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Chicago...
So it ended with a twist.
Frasier: [with nervous excitement] Wish me luck.
Frasier prepares for the new chapter.
END OF ACT FIVE