O.k., everybody step right in here.
Come on, come on.
This is the home of Paul revere.
Looks like a bar to me.
Well the reveres liked to entertain a lot.
Walk around and soak up some atmosphere.
Give me a sh*t of bourbon.
What's this all about?
It's a walking tour of Boston, and it's 30 degrees outside, and my feet are throbbing.
Paul revere's house is nowhere near here.
You want to do this?
I got to fit in five more sights before 6:00.
I'll never make it.
Ah!
We are also standing on the grainery burying ground, the old corner bookstore, and the old north church.
Well, let's get going. This is it for Boston.
That's the whole tour?
Seemed to fly by, didn't it?
Bid a fond adieu to Boston, the hub of new england.
I always thought Boston was a lot bigger.
It is in the summer.
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot wouldn't you like to get away sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came y0u wanna be where you can see our troubles are all the same you wanna be where everybody knows your name you wanna go where people know people are all the same you wanna go where everybody knows your name
Sure, sister. No, that would be fine.
You're welcome.
Hey, Sammy, I didn't know you had a sister.
No, that's sister Teresa from St. Mathias school for girls.
She's sending one of her students over with a playbill.
Hey, you know, that St. Mathias a good school.
I've had two kids thrown out of there.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
What's up, norm?
My nipples. It's freezing out there.
So, how was your Sunday there, norm?
Did you catch the celtics-76ers game?
Oh, yes.
And the bruins-flyers, the ramos-ramos fight, yesterday Australian-rules football.
Tomorrow we got Boston college versus iona.
Put that money down, pal.
Yeah, I'll be ready.
Norman, doesn't your wife ever complain that you never spend any time with her?
Would you?
Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink ice-cold beer in freezing weather.
Cliff, explanation, please.
Now, how do you know he has one?
5 bucks says he does, 10 says it's a doozie.
When the British ruled the punjab...
10 bucks all the way.
They drank steaming hot pots of tea on the hottest days of the year to balance out their inside and outside temperatures.
See, conversely, drinking an ice-cold drink on a cold day actually results in a more comfortable body temperature.
All right. Why do you drink ice-cold beer on a hot day?
Mr. Clavin.
What else you going to do with it?
Well, I got to get rid of a little bit right now.
I'll be in the little boys' room.
Hop on one leg, big boy.
Sammy, the pipes are clogged up again.
Nothing's working back there.
I'm sorry norm, you're going to have to go up to melville's again.
Jacket in the same spot?
Yeah.
What a drag, huh, norm?
Dress up to go to the John.
Come on.
You know, you men have it easy.
We have to wear taffeta and have the correct change.
Hey, looks good there, norm. Who's your tailor?
Give me a break.
The sweater's a little bulky, all right?
Have a good time up there, Ollie.
I'll be in the back with my pipes.
Wait. I've got an order.
Carla's got the bar. Right, Carla?
Hey, that's right!
Yo-ho!
O.k., everybody! Carla's got the bar!
You can have anything you want, as long as it doesn't have ice, straws, cherries, olives, mixer, umbrellas, fruits, or flames.
An order.
I need an old fashioned, a Brandy Alexander, and a Martini.
Three beers coming up.
Ooh, boy!
The damnedest thing.
I've been shivering all the way over here.
Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
Oh, thank god.
I thought I had malaria.
Are you all right?
No, Diane. I don't know where my mind is today.
I just remembered.
I left it at Nina's apartment.
Your mind?
No. My coat.
Who's Nina?
Oh, just a girl who moved into my building today.
I helped her move some of her stuff in.
Diane, it's the damnedest thing.
I kept wanting to smell her neck.
You wanted to smell her neck?
Yeah, and it just hit me what that's all about.
Physical attraction?
No. Lux.
It used to be the soap of the stars.
Diane, don't say anything about this to anybody, please.
Why?
It's embarrassing.
Look, if you're my friend, you won't say it, ok?
Coach, you're a normal, healthy man who happens to be attracted to a woman.
What's wrong with that?
For one thing, she's a lot younger than me.
How much younger?
Well, you'll see because I told her where I work and she said she might drop in after she unpacked.
Hello.
Oh. Hi, sweetheart.
You're under arrest.
That not... that's not her!
Hi. Come on in.
I'm from the St. Mathias school for girls.
Sure.
Sam told me I could put a playbill up here.
Oh, good.
What play are you doing?
We're putting on a production of twelve angry men, a taut, absorbing psychological drama.
When I was your age, we did Romeo and Juliet.
We were looking for something with more meat.
Thank you.
You're welcome, honey.
I'll hang it up for you.
Hi, Ernie.
Nina. Hi!
Welcome to cheers.
Boy, it's nice and warm in here.
My apartment is freezing.
I hope you don't mind, but I asked the super to call me here when they get the heat turned on.
No, no, it's a great idea.
Come on. Sit down. I'll show you the place.
Have a seat.
Now, let's see, uh...
This is the bar.
Uh... those are the bottles.
Uh... these are the glasses.
That's a stool.
Uh... any questions?
Well, you know, I've always wondered, what kind of gas do you use to pressurize those beer kegs.
Probably unleaded.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure. White wine.
White wine.
Ooh, Diane, Nina. Nina, Diane.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you. Hi.
Diane is very smart.
Diane, say something very smart.
Tempis fugit.
Coach, she's adorable.
Isn't she?
Oh, Carla, come over for a minute, will you?
I'm busy.
Carla's been in a lousy mood for the last two, three years.
Let me tell you, it's getting strange up there.
Now, that's norm.
That's not norm's jacket.
What do you mean, strange?
The new men's room attendant.
Guy hands me a towel, whisks me off, and invites me out to a movie.
Guys!
Guys, meet Nina.
She just moved into my place.
Whoo! All right, coach!
No, no, no. Not my apartment. My building.
Crazy guys. They're nice, though.
I'd still be dragging my box spring if it wasn't for Ernie.
You're a dog, coach.
Honey, would you excuse me?
I got to check the back room.
That's it for me.
That's Sam. He's handsome.
He's a bit of a wolf.
Well, I don't know what I'm doing back there.
Does anybody know anything about plumbing?
Well, the romans had an elaborate system of aqueducts there, Sammy.
They were sort of the forerunners of...
Cliff, I need somebody to help me fix the plumbing.
Sorry, Sam. Strictly theory.
Hey, let me do it.
Give me a break, Carla.
Come on, I mean, I'm an expert at this stuff.
I got four kids and one bathroom.
My kids gave me drano for mother's day.
Give me that wrench. I'm going in there. Come on.
Go get 'em.
Ok, everybody out of the men's room!
Why didn't you say that before you came in?
Give me two beers, Sam.
Excuse me a second.
Oh, Sam, look, uh, I know what you're going to do.
I can't explain now...
Just stay away from that woman, ok?
What woman?
Oh.
Actually, I was going over for a cup of coffee, but thanks for pointing her out.
I must be slipping.
Sam...
Please. I can't tell you why, but it's just not right.
Ok, all right.
If you insist.
Ah, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I understand something about psychology.
Oh?
Yeah. By telling me not to go over there, you're trying to get my curiosity up so that I'll do exactly the opposite, right?
Absolutely not.
No, no!
Probably a friend of yours, huh?
Two of you cook something up to make me look like a silly fool.
I'm not going anywhere near her.
Thank you.
Thank you?
That's exactly what you wanted me to do was walk away, wasn't it?
You don't want me to go anywhere near her, do you?
No.
No, meaning yes.
Hey, listen, this is my bar.
I'll do what I want.
Hi there.
Oh, hi.
You new in the neighborhood?
Yeah, I'm new to Boston.
How do you like it so far?
Fine. How do you like it?
Much better now.
Look, I'm sorry about all this stuff.
I'm just sitting here waiting for my heat to be turned on.
How hot do you want it to get?
I heard you were kind of a wolf.
Howl at the moon one time, and they never let you forget it.
Listen, while we're on the subject of sub gum, how'd you like to go out to Chinese food later?
No, thank you. I'd rather not.
Did I make it clear I meant with me?
Painfully.
I think I like this girl.
[Wrench clanks]
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go say goodbye to my bathroom.
Congratulations, Diane.
You and your friend made me look like a complete ass.
I hope you're happy.
Couldn't have done it without you.
Isn't she great, Diane?
Yes, she is.
You know, coach, I think you should ask her out.
Ask her out?
Yeah.
I haven't asked a girl out in years.
I don't know if my old lines would work.
Well, what was the last one you used?
"How would you like a pair of nylons, fraulein?"
Probably not.
Come on, it worked!
What do we need it for?
It's just another piece to clog up!
Carla, it's got to belong to something.
You can't hang on to things because of sentiment!
Coach, wait a minute.
How about all the women you talk about from your baseball days?
How did you approach them?
Well, not by talking with them.
What'd you do?
Well, I'd spot a cute dame in the stands, and to get their attention, you know, I'd injure myself.
You intentionally hurt yourself?
Yeah, sure. I'd lean into a pitch, or I'd dive face-first into a bag.
I'd take a real hot grounder in the gut...
Anything to get their sympathy.
You were a sly one, coach.
Listen, one day I wasn't even in the game and there was this real cutie.
So, I threw myself down the dugout steps.
It worked!
Coach, look, you don't have to do that stuff now.
Look at her over there.
She's all by herself...
A stranger in this big city.
You are the only friend she has here.
Can we have some service back here?
Coming right up!
Go get her, tiger.
Hey, coach...
Yes.
Can you cover for me tonight?
Yeah, sure. Where you going?
I'm going out with that young lady.
Diane is going to learn the meaning of the word "comeback."
Ohh.
You say something there, coach?
Like "ohh"?
Yeah.
That wasn't me.
Can I have another beer please, Sammy?
Coach, what's going on here?
Just a normal evening.
I'm pouring a beer, norm's in line, Sam's sweeping the girl of my dreams off her feet.
Just a normal night.
Coach, I thought you were going to do that.
Come on, Diane. Sam's such a smoothie.
I can't remember the last time a woman turned him down.
Will you bug off?
Does that refresh your memory?
I got her on the ropes, cliffy.
You're a real glutton for punishment, aren't you, mayday?
Hey, the evening's young.
Ooh, but your lines are old.
Don't you worry about me.
I'm going out with your friend tonight, even if it kills me.
Coach, come on.
Now's your chance. Go!
Diane, who needs it?
Who needs it?
Coach, don't give up on Nina.
Diane, will you please leave me alone.
Leave me alone, please.
No!
Get in there, you pipe, and no backtalk!
Coach.
Diane, you can't come in here. This is the men's room.
Well, Carla's in here.
Carla doesn't count.
Hey, watch it!
Diane, please, I'd like to be alone.
Coach, now if you don't act now, your life will be forever haunted with the memory of lost opportunity.
Diane, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should have tried earlier, but Sam's after her now. Can't you see that?
Well, so?
He's not getting anywhere.
Whoa! You got the hots for Nina?
Oh, you know that too, huh?
Carla, coach is too shy to ask Nina out.
Oh, come on, will you? Who wants to date me?
I'm over the hill.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I'd go out with you.
Really?
Yes.
I would, too.
See? And we all know how fussy Carla is.
You're not just saying this?
No!
Hey, coach.
You're a cutie.
Come on over here, cutie.
Look at you.
What a hunk!
Yeah! Coach, you're a pin-up guy.
Yeah, you!
Stop it, the two of you!
Hey, who is that stud?
Well, uh...
I'm no Harold Flynn, but it's ok.
Coach, it's errol Flynn.
No, Harold Flynn...
He used to play second base for Chicago.
Good look, no hit.
Diane.
Carla.
I'm going to do it.
Just give me a few minutes to spruce up, will you?
Listen, coach. That's great.
And I'll make sure that Nina sticks around.
I can't believe the graffiti in this place.
Adolescent men are... Oh, no!
What? What is it?
Look at this!
"For a good time, call Diane chambers."
Thank god they got the number wrong.
Hey, I got it right off your application.
Carla, how could you?
Last time I play cupid for you!
After our moonlight drive up to the cape, we'll check into separate rooms...
One for us, one for our toothbrushes.
I wish you could bottle that charm.
Is that right?
Yeah, then I could put a cork in it.
Hey, uh, Sammy? Beer down here?
I'll, uh... I'll be back.
Tell me you're not in trouble, Sam.
Tell me you're just playing around with her, I can't go on.
I'm, uh... I'm just playing around with her.
He's just playing around with her.
Give up, Sam.
It takes a big man to admit he's a small person.
And now, Harvard yard!
It was here that in 1636, John Harvard raised his eyes to heaven and announced...
Line up! The can is fixed!
Come here.
Look, I let you do this one time, but no more.
I don't want you to come back in here. You understand?
Sorry about this!
They're studying for finals.
Let's give a little consideration and tiptoe out.
Seems like all we've done all day long was go from one bar to another.
What do you want for 8 bucks, minutemen?
Move it!
Nina, your super called.
He said your heat's back on.
Oh thanks, Carla.
Uh, listen, Nina.
Nina, Nina.
Uh... I sense that we have had trouble hitting it off tonight.
But I think I know why.
Put aside, for now, my technique, my style, my smooth manner.
Put aside my hair, my teeth, my physique.
Put all that aside and what have you got?
Nothing.
You know, I don't even feel like being with a woman tonight.
Good night, Nina.
Good night, Sam.
It turns out we were cousins.
Nina, can you wait just a minute?
The coach wanted to say goodbye to you.
He'll be right out.
Oh, ok.
I give up. The woman's undateable.
Undateable, Sam?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
In fact, I have a hunch you're about to see that woman swept off her feet by a guy.
You're crazy.
It may seem impossible to you, one whose idea of romance is a floor mat and the bolero played at 78, but you're about to see a man get a date with a woman using nothing but sincerity and his own feelings.
She's kinky, huh?
You mean the coach?
He's crazy about her.
I would have told you sooner, but he swore me to secrecy.
I've been building up his courage all day.
Look, Diane, you've got to stop him. She's unbelievable.
She'll crush him.
Nina?
Oh, hi Ernie. I was waiting to say good night to you.
Uh...
Listen, Nina, uh...
I want to say something. Uh...
Look, I'm not a rich guy, and, you know, I'm no brain.
I'm just an average guy, but I like you, Nina, and I'd like to go out and do things with you.
Would you have dinner with me tonight?
Oh, Ernie, that's sweet of you, but I've got a lot of unpacking to do.
But thanks for asking.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.
Coach, coach.
Look, I got sh*t down, too.
Listen, there are just some women in this world that you can't get to.
And she's all of them.
I made reservations upstairs.
Well, good night, everybody.
It was nice to meet you all.
Yeah. Ok. Good night.
Good night, Ernie.
Bye, Nina.
Aah! Ow!
He's out like a...
Coach, wake up!
Is he all right?
Ernie, are you all right?
Ah! Ooh!
Are you ok?
Yeah. I'm just a little woozy.
Coach, let me take you home.
Oh no, let me. I live there anyway.
Oh no, honey. You got all that unpacking to do.
Oh now, don't be silly.
This is a lot more important than unpacking.
I'm ok.
Works every time.
Hey, Sam.
I might not be in tomorrow morning.