Yes, I'll tell him.
Oh, Sam, I just had a conversation with your date tonight... Bambi?
She said she can't make it. She's had an accident.
No kidding. What happened?
She... fell off her shoes.
Gee, that's tough. That's tough.
That leaves me only two hours to find another date.
Those are the breaks.
Not to worry, not to worry.
[Cliff gasps]
The book!
Cliff, I swear it just gave off a beam of light.
A little black book? Yeah.
Didn't those go out with getting a girl drunk and seducing her?
That's out now?
Let me see, let me see, let me see.
Hey. "Kristie lavaroni."
Kristie lavaroni, come on down!
Come on, Sam. Let me dial this one.
It's been a long time since I've run my fingers over a girl's digits.
Norman.
You know, I haven't seen kristie since Woodstock.
You were at Woodstock?
A friend of mine told me to go down there.
He said it was a great place to pick up chicks.
I should've known you weren't there for the music.
There was music at Woodstock?
Sammy, it's ringing.
Hello. Uh, is kristie there?
She entered a convent?
Oh, boys, it looks like your idol has fallen.
So what's the number over there?
[Click]
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hi, coach.
Hi, Diane.
Hey, coach.
Hi.
Sam... Sam, look at me.
Do I look ok to you?
Yeah. Why?
I just went down to renew my driver's license, right?
They asked me to donate my kidneys.
Oh, no, no. Don't take that personal, coach.
They ask everybody.
Those highway robbers.
It used to be a lousy two bucks.
Carla's late again.
Yeah, I know. I wonder why.
Sam, you know why.
Why aren't any of us saying anything about Carla's problem?
Listen. Diane, I don't think we should be the ones to bring this up.
You know Carla. She's proud.
Maybe she just wants to keep this one under her hat, that's all.
Maybe it's not even what we think it is.
Coach, what else could it be?
Gas?
Hi, everyone.
Hello, Carla. Hi, Carla.
I gotta go change.
Ok.
What are we all so afraid of?
We've known for well over a month that Carla's...
Let me be the first to say it aloud... Carla is pregnant.
That's it, Sam. It's out.
Oh, Sam, she is all alone in the world.
She needs some support.
She's probably waiting for us to reach out.
And you people call yourselves friends.
Why don't you talk to her?
Well, I would, but Carla's never actually called me a friend...
Unless doofus is a term of endearment.
No-o-o, don't look at me.
Vera and I don't have any kids.
I don't know anything about the subject.
Yeah, norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
I can't, coach.
Gee, I'm sorry, norm.
I look at Vera, I just can't.
So how's it going, guys?
Oh, hi, Carla.
Aw, this is...
Look, Carla, we just want you to know that if there's anything you ever need, just... just ask us, ok?
Well, since you brought it up, Sam...
Yeah, yeah, what?
I'm gonna need a couple hours off at the end of April.
All right. Ok. You don't want to talk about it.
Nah, nah, nah. It's ok.
I told the father about it yesterday.
He's been out of town.
You know, I just wanted to tell him first.
Well, tell the rest of them. They're dying to hear.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah. I'll go talk to them.
All right.
What was I saying?
The weather, it's always just sort of... oh.
Ahem. Everyone...
I'm pregnant.
What? What?
No! You're pregnant?
Oh, Carla.
Well, why didn't you say anything?
I got a lot on my mind.
I can't remember everything.
Oh, sure. Busy gal.
Congratulations, huh? Unless you don't want another kid.
Of course she wanted the kid, norm.
Sure, I do.
What penniless, unmarried mother of 4 wouldn't?
See what I mean?
Carla, don't worry about that.
I'm gonna give you a little bump up in pay there.
Hey, thanks, Sam.
That's great. What a guy.
Great. Carla gets a raise for getting pregnant.
I wonder what I have to do to get a raise out of the boss.
Both: Get a raise out of the boss.
So, who's the father? We want to know.
You're about to see for yourselves.
He's coming in. Ooh.
I really got lucky this time, boy.
He's a nice, responsible guy, and he is gonna support this kid.
Oh, that's great.
You're going to get married?
You know, actually, we probably would, Sam, except it goes against my most cherished belief...
Men are toe jam.
Who is this guy?
Coach: Hey, Marshall!
Marshall?
Carla made love to a ph.D. From m.I.T.?
Hey, look, you guys, if you can't say it in front of me, don't say it at all.
No, coach, Marshall is the father of Carla's child.
Oh. Marshall? Yeah.
I don't believe it, and I believe everything.
How are you feeling, little mommy?
I'll make a deal with you.
You don't call me little mommy, and I don't put your tongue in the blender.
Hey, Marshall, come on down and sit down.
Way to go.
We're so happy for you both.
Congratulations, Marshall.
Congratulations, dad.
Why don't you have a seat, little... Carla.
Thank you.
Look. I think we have something to celebrate here.
A little champagne.
Yeah! Pour it up, boys.
I'll get the glasses. Here you go.
By the way, I recommend the lamaze method.
I've read about that, and it sounds wonderful.
Oh, no, forget it. I got my own method.
Knock me out and wake me when it's potty trained.
[Laughs]
All right. Let's make a toast.
Diane, make the toast.
Oh, all right.
To the baby.
With Marshall as the father, it's sure to have brains.
With Carla as the mother, it's sure to have need for them.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
What I mean is, to the baby and its luck in having such wonderful parents.
Hear, hear.
Mmm.
What? What?
You know, I think I'd better just lie down for a minute.
All right? Sure.
Would you all excuse me?
I'll be right back.
Gee, Marshall, I didn't even know you and Carla were dating.
Actually, coach, we just dated the one time.
One time?
Uh-huh.
Just once?
Uh-huh. It's a funny thing, too, 'cause Carla wouldn't give me a second look before that...
Or since.
But she sure was ready, willing, and able that night.
She was a woman possessed.
So the whole thing was her idea?
Yes, I think you could say that.
Not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I had no idea this would be the result.
I was so surprised when she told me about it yesterday.
Would you excuse me, Marshall?
I think I need to talk to Carla.
You clever girl, you.
What?
I know what you're up to, you sly boots.
Gotta hand it to you. Pretty smart.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
Marshall's not the father of that child.
Maybe he is, and maybe he isn't.
Come on, Carla.
You can tell me. I'm proud of you.
This shows real initiative.
Well, since you already guessed, you're right. He's not the father.
I lied so he'd support it. [Laughs]
What a great, great plan.
Well, I hate to sing my own praises.
Ah, well, don't sing your own praises.
Why don't you hum a few bars of this tune?
Aah!
Carla, how could you?
Why don't you just sit down and let me talk for a change.
Fine.
I had had a really rotten day.
I got stiffed twice, Sam bawled me out for something, you were here, I got soaked on the way home.
By the time I got the kids locked in their rooms, I had really had it.
So I sat down at the kitchen table...
A bottle of chianti.
I just started thinking about how rotten my whole life was...
When I saw his face through the fog in the door window.
Who?
Nick, my ex-husband. Ooh!
Besides everything else, it was our anniversary.
I see.
But I was so down, I figured we could just talk for a while, you know.
So we were drinking and remembering the couple of good times we had.
It was the first laugh I had all day.
He was wearing his black fishnet t-shirt.
I could see his panther tattoo through the little holes.
No woman could resist.
With the rain and everything and the wine, I just got carried away.
Carla, this is the man you once referred to as seepage.
Sure, Nick's disgusting, but he knows this spot on your ear lobe.
One nibble and you are a heaving mound of flesh.
I find that very hard to believe.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Let me just show you.
Oh, Carla, don't be ridiculous.
Carla.
Oohhh...
Cliff, no, this isn't what you think.
No, no, that's ok.
I'm an eighties kind of a guy.
I've seen all the right movies and everything.
Yes. Well, uh, no, cliff, you see, Carla and I were testing a fascinating scientific hypothesis.
Scientific.
Oh. I like science.
Step right this way.
Carla, show him.
Unbelievable, huh?
I didn't feel anything there.
Sometimes there's a delayed reaction.
Well, ok, maybe if the both of you...
Take a walk. Cliff.
Oh, hey, listen...
If you need a trois, for that menage, I'll be in the bar.
Hmm. All right. Let me see if I have the decadence straight.
You discovered you were pregnant.
You purposely seduced Marshall because you assumed that your husband would not assume responsibility for the child.
Exactly.
Depraved.
Now, look here, whitey.
You know, you can talk, but I got 4 kids, and I've been raisin' 'em alone, and it's been damn hard.
I can't take it anymore.
Somebody is gonna help me ease my load a little bit this time, and I don't care what I have to do to get it.
Carla, it's wrong.
I don't care...
And I don't care what you think.
What did you guys do to cliff back here?
Why, what's the matter?
We just had to pull him off the wooden Indian.
Cliff.
Ish... ish...
Sip, beer. Sip, cliff.
Carla, do you know the story of the telltale heart?
Take a leap, whitey.
I'm going to tell it to you.
A young man k*lled an old man.
While carrying out the crime, he could hear his victim's heart b*ating in fright...
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.
He was very glad when the man was dead.
The awful sound stopped.
Then he dismembered his victim and buried him under the floorboards.
Soon, he could hear a sound coming up from the floor...
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.
Till he couldn't stand it anymore!
Surely everyone heard it.
Eventually, guilt drove him totally insane.
You can never escape your conscience.
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.
Ok, ok!
Tom, I've been cheating on you.
You are a wonderful man.
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry.
Wait, darling!
Ba-boom, Carla.
Ba-boom, ba-boom.
Is this having any effect on you?
None at all.
Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.
Ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Diane, would you just leave me alone?
Carla, don't get upset.
Sit down with me.
Thanks.
So, uh, how's it going, dad?
Great.
I think I'm approaching a state of euphoria.
Coach, could I have a beer, please?
Absolutely, Marshall.
Ba-boom, ba-boom.
Carla, what, uh... What, uh...
What do you think we should name the child?
We got time for names, Marshall.
The biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter.
She kept insisting, insisting on Lisa.
And I wanted to stick with the original name.
What was that, coach?
Baby girl pantuso.
Ba-boom!
You know, Carla, I've been thinking.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to my lawyer and have a new will drawn up, and all of your children will be named as my beneficiaries.
Oh...
Gee, Marshall, I never expected that.
That's about the sweetest thing anybody's ever...
Diane, would you just cut it out with the stupid ba-booms?
Carla, Diane's in the back room.
[Gasps]
Come on. We gotta talk.
You win. I'm gonna tell him the truth.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?
She's gonna tell him the truth.
The truth about what?
Oh, Sam, it's terrible. She lied.
The real father is her ex-husband.
I don't believe this.
I mean, I know the guy.
Her ex-husband is an insensitive macho pig with one thing on his mind.
Some women are attracted to that.
Name one.
Hey, hey, di...
"Arlene Abrams..."
"Angela Adams..."
I'm going home.
No! Listen. Wait a minute. Come here.
I'm gonna talk to you first.
Sit down, sit down.
Now, look...
Diane told me what's going on, and I just have to say something.
Marshall, you and Carla have a chance for some great happiness here, and I don't think you should throw it away.
Sam...
Come on, let me say this. Let me say this.
Look at me, Marshall.
Look at you?
Yeah.
Now, a lot of people think that I've got a great life, but you have, uh...
You can have something that I don't have.
You... you can have the love and the warmth of a family.
If you don't marry Carla, some lucky guy is going to.
As a matter of fact, if you don't marry Carla, I'm going to.
I'm not gonna marry her.
I got the veil in my locker.
You... you understand what...
Get outta here.
You're all toe jam.
You know... I just feel terrible about this.
Well, I guess she really did want some help with this child.
Yeah. She's barely getting by just the way it is.
Carla's probably never felt lonelier than she does at this moment.
Got any more of those little yellow goldfish crackers?
We don't have any crackers that look like goldfish.
What'd I just eat?
You know, I wish I had the money so I could take care of the kid myself.
Me, too, Sam.
Wait. I've got a wonderful idea.
We're always taking up collections for little league teams and give gifts to orphans.
We are now going to take up a collection to help Carla.
I think cheers should adopt this child.
You know, that's not such a stupid idea.
We could all take turns doing things with the kid, right?
I could... I could teach him to pitch.
Yeah. I could teach him how to hit your pitches out of the ballpark.
There you go.
I'll do the kid's taxes.
Coach, come here, come here.
What... listen, everybody, everybody.
This is for Carla's kid.
It's gonna be our kid.
I can teach him how to slide into second base.
Oh, you can't, coach. Remember your back?
Well, I can teach him how to swim.
You're afraid of the water, coach.
I can teach him to tie a windsor knot.
Why do you think you wear these clip-ons?
Well, I can just sit there.
I'm going home.
Carla, before you do, we want you to take this from us.
It's to help out with the kid.
We'd kind of like it to be our kid, too.
[Laughs]
♪ When you walk through a storm ♪
♪ hold your head up high ♪
♪ and don't be afraid of the dark ♪ everybody, come on.
♪ At the end of a storm ♪
♪ is a golden light ♪
♪ and the sweet silver song of a lark ♪
♪ walk on through the wind ♪
♪ walk on through the rain ♪
♪ though your dreams be tossed and blown ♪
♪ walk on, walk on ♪
♪ with hope in your heart ♪
♪ and you'll never walk alone ♪
♪ you'll never walk alone ♪