Cliff: Here's a little-known fact:
Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Excuse me, I've got to powder my nose in the men's salon.
Hey, you know, you look a little like tip O'Neill.
Yeah?
A lot of people say that.
Really, I'm a better-looking fellow than he is.
My god, you are tip O'Neill.
How do you do?
Ha ho ho ho!
I'm Sam Malone.
You used to throw for the sox.
That's right. What are you doing here in cheers?
Well, I'm walking down the street.
A lady stopped me, started to tell me about her philosophy of life, her philosophy of government, and so I ducked in and thought I'd have a quick one.
Well, what can I get you here?
There you are!
Mr. Speaker, forgive me for being so relentless, but I really...
Diane, Diane, step into the office.
I'll be right back. What is it, Sam?
No, she won't.
One more quick one, coach, then I really got to run.
Hey, norm, what were you saying last week about that do-nothing congress down there in D.C.?
They're a bunch of clowns.
You think so, huh?
You can take the average guy off the street and he could do a better job.
Nah. Sure!
This bozo right here could probably be a better congressman than them.
Oh, yeah?
You know, I may run for office someday.
You do that.
You're out of work, too, huh?
No, I'm the speaker of the house of representatives.
Don't be ridiculous.
That would make you tip O'Neill, and me...
A horse's butt.
You said it, not me.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
What can I get for you, norm?
I'm going to need something to k*ll time before my second beer.
Uh... How about a first one?
You got it.
Glad you came in today, norm. Big day.
Oh, yeah? What's going on?
The miss Boston barmaids contest.
They're picking the finalists today.
What is it?
What is it? Paul!
It's only the biggest event of the year.
I mean, words can't describe it.
Ah... a bunch of waitresses serve drinks, and one of them wins.
Yeah, that's about it.
Coach is particularly excited today because this year the contest is being held right here at cheers.
All right!
I hate to burst your bubble, coach, but the contest's a phony.
You got to fool around with the judge to get in.
Oh! That's disgusting.
Yeah, and he won't return my calls.
Hey, everybody, I want your attention.
They picked the finalists for the miss Boston barmaid contest, and this year cheers is going to win.
Hey! Whoa! Yay!
Finally they're letting in preggos!
No, no, no, no.
Carla, it's not you. It's Diane.
Sam, Diane's pregnant?
No, no.
She's a finalist, coach.
Give me a copy!
That proves it! There is no god.
That little pixie. She didn't say a word about it.
Oh, no, no. She doesn't know anything about it.
I entered her without telling her.
Why, Sam? Just to cause me anguish?
All right, all right.
So she's not the best waitress in the world, but she makes it in these other categories here...
Perky, pert, congenial, and fun.
And I don't?
Sweetheart, you cannot join the contest.
You're pregnant.
So? Proves I'm congenial.
Good point. Good point.
Hey, Sammy, here she comes.
All right, I want this to be a surprise.
Just everybody pretend like you don't know anything.
Coach, grab her apron and put it up here next to the paper so she sees it.
Hello, everyone.
Hi. Hi.
You all look chipper today.
What's up?
Oh, come on!
I hate this.
Tell me.
Really, it's nothing at all.
Something in the paper, eh?
"The miss Boston barmaid competi..."
Oh.
I hate female contests with every fiber of my being.
Why did you want me to see this?
Uh, just to make sure you felt the same way about it that we did.
No. No. Terrible.
What kind of a ninny would let herself be entered in a contest like that?
Ahem. This kind.
That's me!
Takes guts to admit it.
[Whistling]
Who did this?
Who is responsible for this?
I'll k*ll him.
You did this.
That's it. Wong song yu.
He got k*lled in the orient while trying to rescue nuns.
That's him.
You entered me much as one would enter a heifer in a county fair.
Oh, no. Come on, Diane.
Honey, no. The judges, they just come in, they secretly watch your work, and then they pick the finalists.
In a county fair, you take the cow to the judges.
Thanks a lot, coach.
Anytime, Sam.
Hey, come on, Diane. I thought you'd be happy about this.
Oh, of course, of course.
I love being entered in degrading female contests.
Me, too, but I'm always pregnant.
Come on, this is not degrading.
I mean, in Boston, this is considered a very, very big honor, Diane.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, di, it's really big, you know.
It's not as big as mail carrier of the year, of course, but it's up there.
Mail carrier of the year?
Who do they give that to, a postman or a pigeon?
Hey, watch your mouth.
It was just a joke.
Yeah? Well, don't you ever... repeat, ever...
Joke about the u.S. Postal service in front of me or any other mail carrier. All right?
He didn't mean anything at all by it.
Yeah. Well, I'd like to see how fat and sassy he'd be without his daily mail, huh?
I'm sorry, norm. I just don't know what came over me.
That's ok. You had every right.
Yeah. Well, the post office is everybody's target.
But when they want a letter fast, huh?
Who do they come to on their knees?
Federal express.
He's mine!
Sit down, cliff.
Sam, these contests perpetuate the attitude that women are mere objects to be judged and ranked in respect to how well they serve man.
Aw, come on, lighten up, will you?
Relax a little bit.
I mean, this is not the u.N. Here.
Have some fun.
Do you think being scrutinized, poked, and prodded like a side of beef is fun?
Well, not every day, but on your odd Saturday night...
What do you think I am?
Are you kidding me?
I just thought you were cute.
I mean, is that such a big deal?
Cheers never won this before.
I thought it might be nice if we did.
I thought it might be nice if you won it for us.
I mean, I didn't even think.
I just picked up the silly picture and sent it in.
By the way, where did you get that picture?
I, uh... You know, I found it.
Found it where?
Well, as a matter of fact, you were pretty careless.
I found it lying around your wallet.
Don't you ever go through my wallet again.
Don't worry. It was pretty boring.
Oh, I'm sorry. If I'd known you were going through it, I'd have added something interesting.
You know, I've never seen anyone with so many silly pictures of themselves.
You with your cat, you on your pony, you by your car, you by your car with your cat on your pony.
I'm going to call them at the contest, tell them exactly what I think of this whole thing and that I won't do it.
Nah. Come on.
Damn!
Hey, uh, Paul.
No hard feelings, huh?
No.
Just that, you know, the sears catalogue came out this week, and it puts kind of a strain on me.
Ah, yes. I would like to speak to the person in charge of female dehumanization.
What do you mean, speaking?
This is in regard to the miss Boston barmaid competition.
I am Diane chambers, and I have something to say about this contest and all contests like it.
I only wish the whole world could hear what I have to say.
There will be reporters there?
From all the major papers?
Well, uh...
I guess if a contestant had a few things to say, this would be an excellent forum for 'em.
Ha ha ha!
Yes, I am every bit as cute as my picture.
Yeah, thank you.
I'll see you at the contest.
Hey, Diane, I just have one thing to say to you, and I mean this.
You stay in this contest, or we're no longer friends.
I'm staying in the contest.
Wow. Really?
Yes.
Hey, Diane...
You go to bed with me tonight, or we're no longer friends.
Well, I guess you can just push friendship so far.
Norm, hold this for me, will you, norm?
Whoa. What smells great, coach?
I just came from the barber shop.
You know, they put some of that zingy aftershave stuff. Ooh!
Oh, that explains why all these flies are dying here, coach.
Oh, oh, hey, hey, Diane.
I've been to a couple of these things before.
So I know what they're looking for.
Basically it's personality and customer service and all that kind of thing, but a nice appearance can't hurt.
You know what I mean?
Sex?
No, no, not sex.
Just a nice appearance, that's all.
For example, if you lowered your blouse just a little bit off your shoulders...
Absolutely not.
Hey, come on, just to check it out.
Come on.
That's very nice. That's very nice.
Maybe mess your hair up just a bit.
Oh!
That's nice. Lean against the bar.
That's good. Put your elbow up here like that.
Wet your lips a little. Pout.
That's good.
I thought you said the judges weren't looking for sex.
They're not. I am.
I just checked out the old competition.
They look even better up close.
Eh... none of those girls have what I'm looking for, normie.
What's that?
Low standards.
Come clean. One minute you're against this stupid contest.
The next minute you're all for it.
What's up?
You don't like this contest, do you, Carla?
It's a sham.
Carla, you'll be happy to hear that I am going to bring this contest to its knees.
Ooh, I like it so far.
When they introduce me, I'm going to make a statement denouncing those responsible for this outrage.
Ohh. Oh, I love it! I love it!
There aren't too many things about you I like.
In fact, there's nothing about you that I like, but I always say all great friendships start with one small act of vengeance.
Man: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 45th annual miss Boston barmaid competition.
First, each contestant will tell us a little bit about herself.
Yvonne.
[Cheers and applause]
Hi. I'm Yvonne.
I go to modeling school.
And I'd like to be an artist.
[Applause]
Hi. I'm Jocelyn, and I like being a waitress.
I'm saving my money to travel around the world next summer.
Hi. I'm Bonnie, and I have to say I really like being just what I am...
A cocktail waitress in the best city in the world.
Oh, Boston.
Go!
Um...
My name is Diane chambers, and I would like one day to be known as the voice of my generation.
You see, I'm a humanist.
And aren't we all? Good luck.
And if you win, we'll be seeing you on A.M. Boston.
Just let...
A.M. Boston?
That's right. They're gonna be here later to tape the announcement of the winner for tomorrow morning's program.
Let the games begin.
Man: Diane chambers, humanist.
And now Yvonne will wait on the judges, who'll ask her a set of prepared questions designed to help us get to know her better.
Hello there. I'm Yvonne, and I'll be serving you.
What's your pleasure this evening, gentlemen?
Could you recommend something warm and sweet and perfect for late in the evening?
Irish coffee...
Or me.
Ooh!
And one gin and tonic.
I am moved, cliff. I'm visibly moved.
Going to be tough to b*at.
Now for our last contestant...
Someone right from here at cheers, miss Diane chambers.
Yo!
Whoo!
Hello. I'm Diane, and I'm delighted to be your waitress this evening.
What can I get you?
A screwdriver, please.
What kind of vodka?
Absolut, please.
Absolutely. Ha ha ha!
Chivas rocks.
Chivas rocks. And for you, sir?
I'll have a beer.
Imported or domestic?
What would you recommend?
I'll find something nice for you.
Be back in a jiff...
With pretzels.
You were terrific, Diane.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You dropped some cards here.
Oh, never mind.
What is this?
"Women pitted against each other in a public display of servitude."
I don't know what it means, but it's making me hot.
I'll take my speech, thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, whoa.
What do you mean, speech?
What are you talking about?
Sam, I'm going to win this contest so I can make a speech denouncing it.
Oh, my god.
Is that what you've been planning the whole time?
Sam, I have to do this.
I don't believe I could be so stupid.
For a minute there, I thought you were actually going to be a regular person for once.
I am not a regular person.
Hey, you're telling me?
Sam, someday you'll realize that I'm doing the right thing.
Why do you always have to do the right thing?
Do you see the rest of us running around trying to do the right thing?
And we're happy.
May I go now?
Yeah. Go on. Help yourself.
By the way, by the way, I just want to say that, uh, I'm really happy to see that under all this public pressure, we haven't seen that facial tic of yours.
And you won't.
Mind over matter.
Ahem. St. Paulie girl.
An absolut screwdriver, chivas rocks, and pretzels.
Is there anything else that I can do for you?
Is there something wrong, miss?
What do you mean?
Are you all right?
Oh, um, um...
Well, I have this, um, this facial tic.
Um...
But I, um... I believe that all of us have obstacles to overcome in life, and in the final analysis, the true measure of greatness is the severity of obstacles one has had to overcome in order to achieve one's goals.
I, um...
I may not be the most attractive waitress here, I may not be the most talented, but I am a survivor.
I didn't come here to lose.
I came here to win.
I will b*at them all.
I will b*at any who come against me.
And as god is my witness, I will never be hungry again!
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, miss Boston barmaid...
Miss Diane chambers!
Congratulations, Diane.
Is that A.M. Boston?
Yes, it is.
Ahem.
I really didn't expect to win this contest.
It had... thank you.
It has been quite...
And...
It has been quite...
It has been quite an experience.
Now I would like to tell you my feelings about this contest.
But before you do that, Diane, let me tell you what you've won.
That's really not necessary.
Something every waitress needs...
A six-months' worth of free dry cleaning at ritz cleaners!
Thank you.
Contests such as these can do nothing...
And for entertaining at home, a kitchen-helper food processor!
Oh.
Thank you. That's nice. I've always wanted one of these.
But really, ladies and gentlemen...
A $200 gift certificate from filene's department store, where you can pick out some new outfits for that week-long vacation you and a friend will be taking to Bermuda!
Bermuda!
Bermuda!
[Squealing]
I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
Aw, hey, come on, don't feel so bad.
Most people would've done it for the dry cleaning.
Hey, come on.
Look, I don't even think you did sell out.
Of course I did.
No, you didn't. What you did was you let your feelings out.
I mean, for the first time in your life, you were... you were spontaneous.
It was great.
That's not the first time in my life I've done something spontaneous.
May I have my purse, please?
I enjoy being spontaneous...
Every now and then...
Whenever I think it's appropriate.
Hey, you're a maniac.
Ok.
Maybe I do tend to be a little uptight at times.
Maybe this bar is changing me.
Maybe the atmosphere here is starting to rub off a little.
Maybe.
And maybe in some small way, I'm the better for it.
Maybe you are.
Maybe I should thank you.
Maybe you should.
Like how?
Oh, forget it. Forget it.
Hey. Hey, come on.
You really want to make it up to me?
Let's go to Bermuda.
You got two tickets.
Don't be coy.
All right. All right.
I know what you're talking about.
I know I've been making a lot of passes at you, but I swear, you take me to Bermuda, I will be the perfect gentleman.
You will?
Cross my heart.
Then forget it.