Cliff: Here's a little-known fact...
Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
So, Chuck, how's the job search going, huh?
I got something, Sam, but I'm not too excited about it.
I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments, you know, making mutant viruses and stuff.
That sounds like a pretty good job.
I don't know. Makes me nervous...
All that weird stuff floatin' around.
Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's safe.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. They take all the right precautions.
Yeah. Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Must be getting a little paranoid, huh?
You know, I'm feeling better already.
See you later.
Take care, Chuck.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
Last week on cheers...
Interesting, interesting.
That was Sam's brother.
He's on his way over.
He hates him.
Guy's better at everything than I am.
He's perfect.
Nice voice. Who is that?
Guess.
Your brother is one good-looking guy.
The guy did get me a job.
Come on, hurry up. He's going to do some tap-dancing.
Your brother's teaching me Spanish.
You think Diane likes Derek?
I don't know, Sammy.
I'll pass her a note in gym.
He's just a man like any other man you'd meet in Greek mythology.
Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's vineyard tonight.
In a plane or on his back?
Whatever you and my brother Derek want to do is ok with me.
I don't care.
I'd rather stay with you.
What? What did you say?
I didn't hear anything.
Is Diane about to fall for Sam's brother?
Will Sam's heart be broken?
Will norm find happiness in his new job?
Will coach return to coaching in Venezuela?
Will Carl yastrzemski please call cheers and ask for the spitfire?
Uh...
Well, coach, it's clear we've reached a philosophical impasse here, you know, much like the question of the tree falling in the woods.
The what?
The tree falling in the woods.
Oh.
The question is, if a tree falls in the woods and if there's nobody's there to hear it, does it make a sound?
If there's nobody there, how do you know it fell?
Well, coach, we assume that it fell, you know.
Yeah, but you don't know.
All right. Ok, coach.
I went to the woods yesterday and saw the tree laying on the ground.
A bunch of beavers could have chewed on it and then gently lowered it to the ground, cliff.
Well, you got me there on that one, coach. How about another beer?
I'm telling you, you surprise me, cliff.
You're not prepared at all tonight.
I fell asleep while I was going over my notes preparing for our conversation today, coach.
Oh, you do that, too, huh?
Coach.
Where's Diane today?
It's her day off. She must be out with Derek.
She's been out with him every day.
You know, I am sick of hearing about her.
Ever since lady dye-job arrived, she gets all the attention.
Nobody cares about me anymore.
Nobody asks what Carla's doing anymore.
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, Carla.
Carla, come on now. Be fair.
We weren't that interested in your life before she got here.
Well, Sam. Thanks again.
Yeah. Thank you for dropping me off.
You sure you can't come in for a drink?
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm in kind of a hurry.
Oh, hey, uh...
I'm sorry I shrieked the wrong name.
That's ok.
Hi, everyone.
Hey, Sam.
Sammy, Sammy, oh, my, my, Sammy.
Sammy, tell me true, now, not only did that gorgeous-looking girl go out with you, but she also drove?
No, she didn't drive, she carried me.
Hey, Sam. I'm proud of you.
You took my little wimp speech to heart there.
It's great to see you back in action again.
Yeah. I want to thank you for that.
Took my mind off my brother and your skinny coworker.
I don't even care where they are anymore.
Where are they?
Well, Bobby and Suzie saw them at the drive-in sharing a cherry coke and fries.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How you doing, norm?
Coach, I'm on top of the world.
It's a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere.
How's your new job coming, norm?
Don't bring that up.
I'm no longer in the employ of Goldstein, boorman, and kowakami.
What happened?
I discovered that so-called medical corporation was a polite term for den of thieves.
They're in the business of cheating on taxes.
Oh, yeah, so you resigned in protest, huh, norm?
Well, I took a long lunch, and they canned me.
The last angry man.
Damn right, I'm angry, Sammy.
Those are rich people cheating on taxes.
And who has to foot the bill?
Honest folks... Like me and you and all you nice people here at the bar that I've listed as my dependents.
So, uh... Where's Diane today?
She's not out with Derek again?
I don't believe it.
Hey, hey.
What happened to all the interesting talk around here, huh?
I mean, I used to enjoy coming in here and listening to a good conversation.
Now there's so much gossip you should all have dryers on your heads.
I'm gonna be in the office.
So, what'll you have?
I'll have a cup of tea.
And I'll have a small Sherry.
Ok. Now that sounds nice.
Sherry sounds very nice, and it is late afternoon.
I think I'll have a glass of Sherry, too, please.
Two sherries.
Uh... make that a glass of wine.
White wine.
Wine.
I haven't had a glass of wine in ages.
Is your wine dry?
Yeah, it's ok.
Then give me some wine, too. Two wines.
You know what sounds like fun to me all of a sudden?
What? A beer!
I haven't had a beer since I don't know when I used to have half a beer on a hot day.
Well, it's quite cold out today.
Then put a sh*t of whiskey with it, and it's perfect.
Two boilermakers... Wild Turkey and bud.
I'll run a tab.
Good.
Ah, que lastima.
What's wrong, coach?
I didn't get the job in Venezuela.
They hired another guy.
Oh, jeez. What's the matter, they didn't like your Spanish?
No, no, the Spanish was fine.
They didn't like my English.
See, that's too bad, coach.
Sorry, coach.
Well... ¿que so what, so what?
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi. Hi, Diane.
What are you doing here? It's your day off.
I just felt like I needed to be in a place where I had a few friends today.
So that's your next stop?
Not today, Carla, please.
What can I get you, honey?
I'll have soda water.
You know what, coach? You never take a day off.
No. Thursday's my day off.
You work every Thursday.
Yeah, but I go a little slower, you know?
So tell me, how are you doing?
Not very well.
What is it?
It's Derek.
What about him?
He's flying to Paris today, and he wants me to go with him.
He's a charming man, coach.
He's everything I've been looking for.
And I think he's interested in me, too.
Gee, what a lousy break.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Diane.
Maybe it's good.
Oh, it is good.
I'll tell you why.
The second I looked at you and Derek, I said, "now there goes a cute couple."
Yeah.
What about Sam?
Well, Sam and Derek are a little cuter, yeah.
Coach, let me ask you a question.
Diane, you're asking a guy who's taken a lot of fastballs in the head.
You sure you want to ask the question?
Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
You're the smartest person I've ever met.
Well, I, Diane chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted
"to a 6'3" bubble gum card.
Well, gee, I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but...
The rest of what you say is all over my head.
Coach, I'm making a confession here.
Not just to you, but to myself.
Maybe I'll feel better after I say this.
I...
I...
I get it. I got it.
You're hot for Sam's chili.
I think keats would have said it differently...
But I'll accept that.
Look, Diane, if you like Sam at all, I don't understand what the problem is here.
Derek's making a commitment.
All I ever get from Sam is adolescent flirtation.
I'm not sticking around for that.
If he'd give me something, anything, I'd stay.
Diane, Diane, you don't understand Sam.
Sam's the kind of a guy, you know, he keeps his feelings to himself.
The more he cares about something, the less he shows it.
I've been with him through his divorce, through his boozing, through the end of his career.
And let me tell you something.
The tougher things got, the cooler he got.
You know something? It's a damn sure bet that if he's not expressing himself to you, he's nuts about you...
Or he couldn't care less.
Diane, do you mind if I say something?
Of course not, Norman.
Sometimes, a man and a woman are so afraid of being vulnerable to rejection that neither one of them will take the first step of admitting their true feelings.
Norman, that's beautiful.
I do have a romantic side, Diane.
I know I make a lot of jokes about Vera, but the truth is, if that woman ever packed her bags and left me, I don't know what I'd do... First.
Well, I guess I have no choice but to force the issue. Where's Sam?
He's in the office, honey.
I'll tell him I'm going away with his brother and see what he does.
If for the first time in his life, he's honest, and doesn't hide behind that tough jock facade, I'll stay.
If he does one of his blithe, gratuitous jokes, I'm leaving.
I swear it.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Diane, hold on.
I mean, you're putting your whole future on the line in this one moment here.
You're letting your whole life turn on this one response?
You're right.
Can it wait till I go to the head?
No!
Well, I'll hear about it.
Coach, coach, why did you do that for her?
That was our chance to get rid of her once and for all.
Are you crazy?
Crazy, Carla?
Crazy like a doorknob.
[Knock on door]
Oh. Hi, Diane.
Sam, your brother Derek has asked me to go to Europe with him, so I've come to say good-bye.
Damn it. I didn't need to hear that.
What? What's wrong?
Well, it's too late to put a help wanted ad in tomorrow's paper.
Good-bye, everyone.
I'm leaving now.
I'll miss you all very much.
Bye, Diane. Bye, honey. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Sorry, honey, I'm not interviewing till Monday.
Get this straight. I'm going away with him.
Good. Have fun.
This could lead to marriage, you know.
Probably will.
Probably, nothing. Will lead to marriage.
We'll be Diane and Derek Malone.
We'll buy a spread somewhere and call it the double "d."
It'll make a nice brand.
Children. We'll have blond, blue-eyed children everywhere.
Have them brush after every meal.
I'll be your sister-in-law.
You'll come over for dinner and say, "she sets a good table and she keeps herself up."
I had to say something. You just fed me.
I'll send you Christmas cards every year.
"To a wonderful brother at Christmas."
It'll be nice to be remembered on the holidays.
The cards will have pictures of us...
Derek and I, the kids, the dogs.
The blond ones will be the kids?
This is all right with you?
If you're happy.
I'm ecstatic. Good-bye.
See you at the wedding.
Do I get to kiss the bride?
I think you know what you can kiss.
This is it, everyone.
I bid you a fond farewell.
I've enjoyed knowing all of you.
You've brought a lot to my life.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Good-bye, everyone.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
Farewell.
Would you get the hell out of here?
Go, go.
I won't let it end this way.
I've had warts that went away quicker.
Ow! Ooh!
What did I hit?
My nose. You're supposed to knock.
You were coming out to say something to me, weren't you?
What is it?
I wasn't going to say anything.
Yes, you were. What was it?
Go to the airport. Say it!
No!
Good night, Diane. Good-bye. Bye, Diane.
Bye-bye.
That's the blackboard from the pool room.
What are you doing with that?
Tell me what you were gonna say, or you'll be very sorry.
Don't do that. I hate that.
Don't. Don't. Stop! Don't!
Zing!
No, don't. I hate that. Please stop.
Would you just stop? Put that down. Please.
Just put... aah, no! All right, please don't go!
Ask me nice.
Come on, would you?
I mean it. I deserve that much.
Ask me nice.
All right. Just put it down.
Put the blackboard down.
Put it down.
Please stay.
Why should I?
Go on, get out. Get out. Go on.
Hey, I'm not sticking around here just with a hope that maybe something will happen between us.
What is it you want from me?
I want you to tell me what you want.
I'll tell you what I want.
I'll tell you exactly what I want.
I want to know what you want.
You're doing it again.
Listen. Look...
Will you just explain one thing to me?
It's very important to me.
Why aren't you with Derek?
Because I like you better.
Oh, Diane. Listen.
All the jealousy I felt for my brother over the years is nothing to what I felt these last 5 minutes.
Sam...
I think we're about ready to start something that might be kind of great, huh?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Maybe we should, uh, kiss or something.
We're not going to just kiss.
We're about to start something. I mean, a kiss is where you start, isn't it?
You don't make an announcement when you're about ready to kiss someone romantically.
It wasn't an announcement.
I just didn't want to catch you off guard, that's all.
On our first kiss, it's ok to be off guard.
You should be swept away.
I was. I was.
Nobody's swept away when they have the presence of mind to say, "maybe we should kiss."
You're right. You're right.
All right. When I do it, I won't say anything.
No, no. This isn't right, either.
Hey, I didn't say anything. I was swept away.
Let's face it. The moment's not right.
We're too aware of what we're doing.
All right. All right, you're right, you're right.
This whole thing is not going the way it should.
Maybe we should just forget about the kiss and hit the sack.
This is the dumbest conversation we have ever had, which means it's the dumbest conversation that's ever been.
Maybe this whole thing is just a mistake, huh?
What whole thing?
Well, this whole thing that we're trying to do here.
I mean, every time we try to get together, something goes wrong.
I mean, look, look. Just 'cause I'm a neat-looking guy and you're kind of hungry at the moment doesn't mean that...
Hungry?
No, no, don't. Listen. Listen.
What I mean by that is...
You've been here a long time.
Now, if something were just going to naturally happen, it would have happened by now.
It's silliness to try to make it happen.
Oh, fine!
You tell me this now that I've let Derek go.
No. Don't throw Derek in my face.
You never cared for Derek.
You just used him to trap me.
Trap you? Yeah, that's right.
I'm the best thing that could have happened to you and you're too stupid to realize it.
Are you kidding me?
You are the worst thing that happened to me.
Before you came here, I was a happy man!
You honestly believe you were happier before you met me than you are now?
Hell, yes!
How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone that makes you sick?
I could write a book on the subject.
You can't shut up long enough to write a check.
You know, as a matter of fact, you can't shut up at all.
You're trying to change the subject. No, I'm not.
The subject is, you can't shut up long enough to kiss me.
To save your life, I bet you couldn't shut up for 30 seconds.
Make it 10.
Oh, I most certainly could.
All right, let's see, huh?
You're going to time me?
That's right. I'm gonna time you.
10 seconds, starting... Now.
This is the most...
You want to try again?
I wasn't really trying.
You want to see me do this? Fine. Starting... Now.
This is the craziest thing...
Good. Really good.
All right, so I can't do it.
Silence is overrated anyway.
At least I have something to say.
Meaning I don't?
The last conversation I had with Derek was about walking on the moors like heathcliff and Catherine, and I threw it all away for this.
Good. I'll tell you what you do.
I'll tell you what you do.
Will you get out of here? Go on.
Take her with you. Go on. Get out.
Don't push me!
Why don't you just go find Derek?
Fine.
It shouldn't be too hard to find him.
Just follow the sound of applause.
I will. Maybe I can still catch him.
Fine.
And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this:
You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered, son of...
Shut your fat mouth!
Make me. Make you?
I'm going to bounce you off every wall in this office!
Try it, and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
Or should I say... funnier.
You know, you know, I always wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
You disgust me. I hate you.
Are you as turned on as I am?
More. Bet me.
I'm going to nibble on your ear.
Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear.