Carla: Hey. Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Remember when I said you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered...
Shut your fat mouth.
Make me.
Make you?
I'm going to bounce you off every wall in this office!
Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
Or should I say funnier?
You know...
You know, I always wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my lucky day.
You disgust me. I hate you.
Are you as turned on as I am?
More. Bet me.
It sure got quiet in there all of a sudden.
You don't think he k*lled her?
Nah. Even in death she wouldn't be that quiet.
What do you think they're doing in there if they're not fighting?
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Well, isn't it nice that for once we're not fighting?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Let's go some place, some place where we can express what we're feeling now.
Great. How about the couch?
The couch.
Who said we always had to be serious?
Will you stop joking?
I... I want to go some place... Intimate, some place... romantic.
Oh, yeah. Ok. All right.
Romantic. Yeah.
My apartment?
Your apartment?
There I go again, huh?
No. I think that's a good idea.
Well, that's why I said it.
Yes. Your apartment, the place you spend half your life, and I've never even seen it.
It seems so right.
I think you're gonna like it.
I'll give you my, uh...
Famous guided tour...
Starting in the bedroom.
And ending in heaven.
Come on.
Oh, Sam.
What, what?
I've changed my mind.
No, no. I mean about your apartment.
I'm sorry. I know you're gonna think I'm overly sensitive, but, Sam, you've been with a lot of women...
No, I have not.
There haven't been that many women.
That gets exaggerated here in the bar.
There haven't been that many, really.
How many have there been?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe, uh... 400.
Ohh!
Honeys, honeys. Four honeys.
Maybe that's more than my share, but it's all behind me now.
Well, you see, that's what I mean.
I want to be... Special.
I want to go some place where you've never been with any other woman.
All right, ok, that's easy enough.
Uh, like... like where?
How about a hotel?
Oh, yeah. Oh.
That's great, that's great.
But one you've never been with anyone else.
Well, all right.
That's easy, that's easy.
Ok. Hotels, hotels.
Hey, there we go.
Nope.
Nope.
Well, I'll be darned.
Forget it.
Come on. We're being silly here.
Why don't we... why don't we go to your place?
Well, I guess that could be all right.
Oh, great.
Oh, wait. Sam, it's so filthy.
Oh, no, no, it doesn't have to be, not if we care about each other.
No. I mean my apartment.
I haven't straightened up for days.
I don't care about that kind of thing. It doesn't matter.
As long as we're together, it doesn't matter where we are.
Oh, Sam, that's beautiful.
We're not talking pigsty, are we?
No, of course not.
All right, then. All right, come on.
Ok.
Oh, boy.
She better be great.
I know that you must be curious about what Sam and I were talking about.
We want to be totally honest with you.
Um...
It is said that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread, but the heart has a wisdom of its own.
Sam and I have decided to traverse the fall line of our aloneness.
What's she talking about, Sammy?
I don't know. Um...
Does this have anything to do with what we were talking about in there?
Of course.
Diane and I decided we're going to start messing around.
Great. There you go.
So we'll see you all later.
There you go.
You want a refill?
Wait, wait, wait.
I feel damned by faint praise. What's wrong?
What do you mean what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. No.
You don't seem very happy about our announcement.
Well, Diane, it's just kind of sudden.
Sudden.
It's just happening kind of fast.
Yeah, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Yeah. It won't be enough.
Oh, no. No.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that Sam and I have different backgrounds, ambitions, dreams.
Well, let me tell you.
We have one thing very much in common.
I got it.
They were both born brunette.
No.
We have a willingness to be vulnerable to one another.
I think I see a trip to ye old leash and leather shop coming.
I am sorry that you're all so cynical that you can't accept Sam and me.
Well, it doesn't bother us.
We believe in us, right, Sam?
Yeah. You bet. It's going to be great.
We'll have a lot fun.
I may have to work a little harder on this one, but it's gonna be worth it.
Thank you, Sam.
You're welcome.
Now if you will excuse us, we are going to go out and begin our lives together.
There is more in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.
What did you mean you're gonna have to work a little harder on this one?
I said it off the top of my head.
I think it might be misunderstood.
Thanks for picking the flowers for me in the park.
Well, thank you for paying the fine.
We make a good team, huh?
So what do you think of my place?
Very nice.
Is this the bedroom?
Nice? I want you to know that I'm putting a lot of energy into the decorating of this place.
It shows. Where's the light?
It's over by the bed.
Oh! I think I just stepped on your cat.
Oh, my god, I think I just k*lled it.
No, my mistake.
I just stepped on your giraffe.
Oh, Mr. Jammers.
This place is lousy with stuffed animals.
They're not stuffed animals.
They're my friends.
Let me introduce you.
Mr. Jammers you've met.
And over here, we have Freddy frogbottom.
You named all these silly things?
Ah-ah! Don't call them silly.
Mr. Buzzer will sting you.
Mr. Buzzer? Don't tell me. Let me guess.
That must be the bee, right?
Boy, this is definitely weird, Diane.
That is exactly what's wrong with you.
What's wrong with me?
Yes.
I should have known you wouldn't have any imagination about this, no sense of whimsy.
You're so earthbound, so uninspired.
Can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this.
Sam Malone...
Those animals happen to be a part of me.
Now, why can't you indulge that without...
What are you doing?
I'm taking my pants off.
Why?
Well, not to give Mr. Buzzer a target.
We're arguing. We're having a fight.
How could you take your pants off when we're having a fight?
It's not gonna last all night.
I don't want to be overdressed when it ends.
Get out of here. Get out of my apartment.
You want me to leave?
I demand that you leave.
Well, let me just tell you a little rule I have.
Mr. Malone takes his pants off, he doesn't put them back on again until he finishes business.
Bet me!
Diane, would you please...
Would you give me a break and let me put my...
You are despicable.
I never want to look at your fat, ugly face again.
Get out.
Come on, I'm losing the mood here, Diane.
You'll lose a lot more than that.
Wait a second.
You want to know the truth?
It wasn't 4 women. It was 400 women, easy.
They'd have to be.
You know what I was just thinking.
Most of the guys I broke into the majors with are all gone now.
You mean gone to the great beyond, coach?
No, Alan. Dead.
No, I... I...
I can't understand it.
You know, you wonder.
You're born. You grow up. You die.
Is that the end? Is that it?
There's various theories about an afterlife, coach.
You know, millions believe in reincarnation.
You mean when you come back as a chicken?
Not necessarily as a chicken, coach.
The hindus believe that what you come back as depends on your behavior in this life.
You know, if you led a good life, you'll come back in an elevated state.
Like Colorado.
No, coach, more like a king or a prince.
Conversely, uh, if you've not led a good life, you'll come back in a more lowly condition.
Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself.
I figure if you're dead, you're dead, and that's what it should be.
Just the idea of living forever doesn't appeal to me.
Yeah, I can see why, Paul.
Oh, hey, Sam.
Sammy, what do you think about death, huh?
Too good for her.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I mean that.
I knew it.
Yeah, we told him so. Had to happen.
He wouldn't listen to us.
Will ya, norm, there's something wrong with Sam and Diane.
Coach, we're talking about Sam and Diane.
Oh, we are? Well, that's better.
It's none of our business.
I think we ought to do something about it.
We didn't exactly give them our blessings when they left here. When you get right down to it, everybody deserves a chance.
I think we owe Sam an apology.
I'm gonna have a chat with Sam.
He made it clear that he doesn't want to be disturbed.
He didn't mean me.
Sammy and I are pals. We're tight.
Sammy, norm.
Get the hell out of here!
You bet, buddy.
That was inspiring, norm.
I'm sorry.
We're sorry. We're all just a little sorry about what we said about you and Diane.
You're no worse a match than anybody else.
Any two people are gonna be a long sh*t.
Yeah, right, Sammy, you know, long sh*ts come in sometime.
Maybe this one will.
No, no, no. You guys were right.
I must have lost my mind there for a minute.
Tell you, though. The old Sam Malone is back, boys. Ready for action.
I'm gonna grab the first woman that comes by and I'm gonna go crazy.
Yeah, Carla, what is it?
Nothing.
Yeah, it feels good to be finally... Rid of her. Ha!
Coach, let me have a soda here.
I tell you, things are gonna be a lot more the way they used to be around here than they ever were. Glad to hear you say that, Sam.
You're gonna be the better man for it.
Hey, coach, you're not buying this, are you?
Buying it? Carla, I'm not even following it.
Hey, Carla, I mean it.
Oh, yeah, I believe you, Sammy, I do.
But you know, I could tell you how to get Diane back.
I'll tell you what.
If you're interested, I'll be at the end of the bar here.
Well, it's got to be good for a laugh.
How?
Women have always come pretty easy to you, Sammy.
Now you have finally got yourself a toughie.
Let me tell you how to handle her.
Now, I don't care what we women say when we get dressed up and go on the Phil donahue show.
Every woman wants to be controlled, even your miss egghead there.
Women like power, Sammy, raw, naked power.
The reason I stayed with Nick so long was because he had power.
Sure, he was a gentlemen, sometimes, like he would take me out to a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.
They'd call our number, and he'd go get it.
But once we got behind that bedroom door, Sammy, he called the sh*ts.
She's right, Sam.
You know, one time I had to get tough with Vera, lay down the law, next night I came home, she was waiting for me wearing nothing but a saran wrap bikini.
I haven't been able to look at a sandwich since.
You know, you're right.
I mean, I have let her have her way every step in this relationship.
She is, she is, she's leading me around by the nose.
I tell you, she's not gonna do it anymore.
She's picked the wrong guy to have a power play with.
She'll love it.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell our little miss chambers there's a time to put up and there's a time to shut up.
Yeah!
And this is the time for her to put up and shut up.
She'll have him for breakfast.
He's a goner.
He's dead in the water.
So tell me, where did you get a tan like that?
Were you in the sun or something?
My tan? What are you talking about? Look at your tan.
I love the sun. You know, I couldn't live where there wasn't any sun.
Oh, I know. I don't know how prisoners stand it.
[Knock on door]
Diane, open up.
Go away, Sam.
I'm meditating.
Open the door, Diane.
I have something I want to say.
Oh, Sam, how much more evidence do you need that we were not made in heaven?
We turn into idiots in each other's company.
The difference in your case is barely perceptible.
But it's starting to bother me.
Diane, open the door!
This is the last time I'm gonna tell you.
Well, who the hell do you think you are?
I'm Sam Malone, and that was your last warning.
[Thump]
What are you doing?
[Thump]
Sam, stop it.
Well, now you've done it.
Uh-huh.
Yes, you broke my door. You're gonna pay for that, ape.
Ape?
Oh, oh, I like that. Yeah, I like that.
Ape. You know, you are going to pay for a lot of things.
Now, get in that bedroom, woman.
Ok.
Sam.
Would you give me a minute to slip into something flimsy?
Yeah, sure.
[Muffled voice]
Diane?
Yes?
You talking to somebody in there?
Oh, I'm on the phone, Sam. Just a second.
You're making a telephone call?
Who did you call?
I was calling the police.
Would you like some coffee while we wait?
You were calling the police? Why?
If you're gonna act like a marauding hun, you have to expect to be treated like one.
You take cream, right?
Yeah. Yeah, but... No, no, no.
What... what...
Wait a minute here.
Are you serious? You called the cops on me?
Well, yes, I'm completely serious.
I've got fresh ground, but I think it might take a little time.
They said they'd be right over.
No. Hey, come on, wait a second.
I'm not... I'm not doing anything here.
Sam, you... you broke into my apartment.
I have the evidence.
You know, you...
You're a loon. That's what you are.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
Oh, you have to run, huh?
Well, I'll just call the police and give them your address.
You make me so mad sometimes.
I'd like to take your face and...
Excuse me.
Be very careful. What you say.
It could be used against you in a court of law.
So what's the final verdict on the coffee?
What... what are you doing to me, Diane?
I'm losing my mind here.
The first time I saw you, I said to myself, "now, that could be the woman who's gonna make me happy for the rest of my life."
Now I'd be happy just to stay out of jail.
You make me sorry I was ever born.
Oh, god.
Sam, I know how you feel.
Don't let them take me away, huh?
Sam, I think the important thing here is that we both learned something tonight.
You've learned that v*olence and hostility have no place in a romantic relationship.
No, no place at all. No place at all.
And...
I've discovered something, too.
Oh, what?
I like the lift part.
I like it a lot.
You know...
You've made my life a living hell.
I didn't want you to think I was easy.
Oh.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Why don't we just kick these things off the bed?
Why don't you put them in the other room? Oh, come on.
I'll be less inhibited if they're in the other room. Oh, ok, yeah.
Yeah. Ok, now, be very careful because some of them are old and sensitive.
Don't you think maybe you ought to call the cops off?
Oh, silly Sam, I never called the police.
Sam, will you make sure that Gary gorilla and Mr. Jammers aren't next to each other. They don't get along.
Not to worry.
They're a mile apart.