Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, no. Here comes another order.
I need 2 martinis...
One straight up, one over.
Gin or...
Vodka?
Gin.
Beefeaters.
Anything else?
Yes.
There's something else.
Something I need...
Desperately.
A molson golden ale.
Sam, you added this wrong.
Coach...
[Sigh]
We were gonna kiss.
We were?
You mind if I do these first, Sam?
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
[Wham wham]
[Wham wham]
[Wham wham]
[Wham wham]
It won't budge.
[Sigh]
I think I'm gonna be pregnant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook.
Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?
You know, Sammy, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and decided to stay inside, where it's safe.
Carla, you know there's a theory that late-born babies are more intelligent.
For example, I was born late.
Hey, so was I.
Well, it was just a theory.
Carla, how did it happen the last time?
Benny hill did it.
Benny hill?
Well, I was watchin' him on TV, and I was laughin' so hard, I went into labor.
Yeah. I heard that could happen.
Well, if laughter's what you need, I have a face that makes people laugh.
Yeah, but you got a nice personality, Diane.
No. I'm going to make a funny face.
Hmm...
I don't think it's gonna help, but go ahead.
Very funny.
Hey, Sammy, let me have 2 gansetts for the lovely couple at the back bar, please.
Hey, have you got yourself covered yet, kiddo?
Oh, yeah. It's all set.
My sister's gonna fill in for me while I'm out with the baby.
Great. Thank you.
Which sister is this? No-neck?
No.
No, no, not no-neck. Another one.
You have a sister named no-neck?
It's her nickname.
Everyone in my family has one.
Just out of curiosity, Carla, what's your nickname?
Muffin.
You're kidding?
What's wrong with muffin?
Nothing. It's just the most incredible coincidence.
You and I have the same nickname.
No!
Daddy always called me his muffin because I was so sweet and toasty.
Well, I'm called muffin because my brothers once stuffed yeast in my ears and tried to bake my face.
Should I ask what this sister's called, or am I gonna regret it?
Oh, no, Sammy, Annette is different than the rest of us.
She's always been the good one.
Well, every family has its white sheep.
You and your sister close?
No, no. We never spent much time together.
I only see her when I go home for family occasions:
Weddings, holidays, stays of execution.
Anyway, the thing about Annette is she's real shy, kind of a wallflower.
She doesn't have very many friends.
We'll take care of her. When are we gonna meet her?
Soon. I've been in labor for the last 4 minutes.
It was my funny face, wasn't it?
Carla, why didn't you say so?
I was trying to hold out until my customers left.
It was my last sh*t at a pity tip.
Hey, hey, mail it to me.
I'll be at St. eligius hospital... Carla tortelli.
Enjoy your drinks while I'm under the Kn*fe.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
I'm Carla's sister Annette lozupone.
Whoa, what an interesting name.
How do you pronounce it?
Lozupone.
Gee, just like it sounds.
Hi, Annette. I'm Sam.
Hi. We've been waiting for you.
I see that you already met coach.
He must be a good worker.
Let me introduce you around here.
That's cliff. Annette.
That's norm.
This is Diane chambers.
Annette.
Diane.
Well, you must hear about me from Carla all the time, huh?
No.
She never mentioned another waitress here?
Oh, yes. I've heard her talk about fish-face.
She quit.
Nice kid, that Annette, huh?
Yeah, she is, coach.
Yeah. She's cute, too, huh?
Cute, huh?
[Kiss kiss kiss] Cute.
You like her, there, cliffo?
I don't know. I just said she was cute.
Are you gonna ask her out, huh?
Ah!
Come on, cliff.
You haven't had a date in months.
There's a simple explanation for that that you riffraffs probably wouldn't understand.
I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Yeah. She has to like you, right?
Excuse me, cliff.
Get you a pad, and we'll get a tray on the other side.
Here's a pencil, honey.
Ok, coach, thanks.
You know, you'd be doing her a favor if you asked her out.
She'd, you know, feel more comfortable.
Yeah? Well, I don't know. Maybe, eh...
Maybe on the way out.
Gotta go.
Go? Oh... So soon.
Cliffy, the night's young, and it's your round.
Oh, hey, sorry. I got a big day tomorrow.
They've asked me to test-drive a new postal vehicle on my route.
How come they asked you?
Well, I've got the best safety record in the branch, coach, never even been near an accident.
Not since you were born.
[Whistles]
Was that, uh... Comment addressed to me, Paul?
Oh, no, cliff. It's, uh...
If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.
[Whispering] Cliff...
Annette.
Uh, excuse me.
I just had a sudden thought here.
Uh... if you're not doin' anything, if you have the time, maybe we could go out some time and do something together if you want.
Really?
That sounds nice.
Oh, uh...
Yeah, well, uh...
I better warn you, though, uh...
I'm goin' on a special assignment for the department.
Oh.
I've got no right to ask you to wait for me.
Well, here's my phone number in case you make it.
Great. Well, auf wiedersehen.
Bye.
So, what do you think?
How's the new girl doing?
Oh, very well.
That date with cliff is the second one she's made since she's been here.
Really?
Well. Well, that's... that's good. That's good.
She's breaking out of her shell.
Sam, it's cheers. It's a romantic bar.
As many people fall in love here as get sick.
So what do you say? Uh, maybe 1 A.M.?
That would be fine.
Sam.
She's not what Carla thinks she is.
Yes, she is. She's just...
She's naive.
Sam, I am an excellent judge of character, and I say she's loose.
Just stop. Stop.
She's not loose. All right, I'll talk to her.
I'll keep her from getting into trouble here.
Annette, can I talk to you there in my office?
By the way, I think you would do a lot better for yourself if you'd stop meddling in other people's sex lives and started concentrating on mine.
Well, that's great. That's great.
That'll keep me till the end of a minute.
Ah.
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
I just want to have a little talk with you.
You see, I know that you haven't worked in bars before, and I just wanted to explain how men behaved in bars.
They, uh...
Well, they... they have a few drinks, get a little high, and then they get a little carried away around a beautiful new waitress, and, uh, well...
Is this making any sense to you?
Why don't we sit down here?
See, what I'm...
No, I thought maybe that... mmm! Oh!
Take me. Take me.
Ooh! Ow!
Sam, telephone call...
Whup! Ho!
I'll just tell 'em you're breakin' in a new waitress.
No... coach!
Ok, folks, almost ready.
That was cliff.
He said he's feelin' a lot better. He's comin' in tonight.
Great. What happened to him, anyway?
It was during his test drive a few days ago.
He stepped out of the car and into a pothole, smashed up his leg, but he finished his route in pain.
He figured those 1974 Christmas cards couldn't wait another day, huh?
Uh, Annette...
You're late again.
I'm sorry, Sam.
Would you like to take me into your office and scold me?
No, no. No, no, no.
Just, uh, just maybe don't do it again.
I won't.
Eh...
Sam...
She's turned into the thing that devoured Boston.
We've gotta tell Carla about this.
Oh, no, we do not have to tell Carla about this.
It's none of our business if she likes men.
Loves men.
She can do whatever she wants with her sex life.
It's in the bill of rights.
Where is it in the bill of rights?
Well, you know, the part about the right to assemble and bear arms.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Hey, I thought you said that you weren't gonna call me stupid now that we're being intimate.
No. I said I wouldn't call you stupid while we're being intimate.
Ok, folks, the movie's ready!
I got the lights.
Thanks, Sam.
Sit down, everybody. Get nice and comfy.
Here we go.
Everybody comfortable?
Uh... this film I call a trip to the hospital to visit Carla and her new 2-day-old baby.
I like that. I like that.
Thanks, Sam.
All right. Here we are in the elevator, and, uh, those elevator doors are opening, and we're going to Carla's room, and, yes, we go in, and...
Oh, gee, I made a mistake. It's a dead guy's room.
The widow was so upset. I tried to...
Cheer her up with a gift, and she had... I just...
It wasn't the right moment.
Oh, now, here we are.
Uh, I'm on the right floor, and there's Carla's room, I hope, and in we go.
Yes, it is!
Yay!
Ah, the kids were very good.
They were on their good behavior.
Then Anthony squirted his water p*stol at me.
Here I am wiping the lens, and sarafina grabbed the camera, crawled under a... a... a bed, and I begged her for it. I had a heck of a time...
Then Ann Marie jumped on my back.
Sam: Coach, didn't you get a sh*t of the baby?
Yeah. There she is.
Norm: Which one's Carla's, coach?
It's the little girl, norm.
Doesn't she look just like her mother?
I think that's all.
Sam: I got the lights.
Ok.
Well, hey!
Bravo.
Oh, that was nice.
I'm glad I got to see the baby.
You mean you haven't been over there yet?
Well, I got as far as the hospital, but I met the chief surgeon in the parking lot, and we split a 6-pack in his Van.
What a nice fellow.
Hey, lookie, here!
Hey! Hey!
Welcome back.
♪ When cliffy comes marching home again ♪
♪ hurrah, hurrah ♪ come on over here, soldier.
Welcome home, cliffo.
[Chuckling] Thank you, coach.
Boy, I've missed you guys...
Except Paul.
Yeah.
So, uh, who wants to see it?
Oh, no, not me.
I can't stand that stuff, can't even eat an open-faced sandwich.
Eh...
Ew!
Ah, it's almost gone now anyway, yeah.
Little suds on there, cliff.
Hey, thank you, coach.
I had some healing hands to help me.
Yeah. Some, uh...
Incredible, beautiful hands.
Oh, wait a minute here.
Sounds like the man's been bitten by the love bug.
Cliffy, you found somebody, huh?
Well, yeah.
He did.
Cliff: All right, all right.
I never thought I was the kind of guy to fall head over heels...
Oh, god. It isn't Annette, is it?
Well, yeah!
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
Thank you, Diane.
It's great.
She doesn't know it yet, but, uh...
I'm gonna ask for her hand.
Annette?
Yeah. Isn't it something, Sammy, me and Carla's sweet little sister?
Oh, it's like fate, huh?
Oh, there she is.
Annette...
Hiya, sweetheart.
Hello there...
Handsome.
Oh, Sam...
I think we have to talk in the back room.
Why?
Well, it's our weekly seminar on the use of leitmotif in the chanson de Roland.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Boy, time really flies by, doesn't it?
Yeah, Norman, why don't you join us? Coach?
No, no, not me, Diane. Thank you. No.
Oh, come on, coach.
You're the guest speaker.
Hey, this might be good.
We are confronted with a problem.
Tell him about it, we ruin his life.
Sam: Right.
What if we don't tell him about it?
Don't tell him about it, we ruin his life.
Well, if I'm confused, everybody must be.
I know cliff. He's a very sweet guy.
If anybody can change this Annette babe, he's the one.
Well, maybe you're right, Norman.
I guess we've been pretty cynical, huh?
Who are we to judge?
Maybe Annette really loves cliff.
There you go.
Hey, face it, love can be a rebirth for any man and woman.
Yeah. I feel better about that.
Well, wasn't it Dante who said...
[all talking]
Annette, would you get me a soda, please?
Certainly.
That cliff is really something special, huh?
Which one's cliff?
Let me tell him. I'm his best friend.
Cliff, talk to you in the back room here a moment?
Uh, well, yeah. Sure, norm.
You sure about this?
I've seen this kind of thing destroy relationships.
He should hear about it from somebody who cares about him and who he cares about.
See you later, sweetheart.
Bye.
Yeah. So, uh, what's goin' on, norm?
Aw, nothin'.
What, I can't talk to my buddy?
Well, yeah. Sure. No problem.
Uh, so, uh, what's up?
What would you say your definition of "friendship" was, cliff?
Hey, norm, Annette's out there waitin' for me.
Use a dictionary, eh?
Yeah.
Cliff... cliff, I think friendship is 2 guys who can remember all the good times that they shared, you know?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's good, norm.
You remember all the good times we shared?
Yeah. Listen, norm, if you want a couple of bucks, uh...
No, no. Cliff, cliff, cliff!
Hey, remember, like, uh, when you thought that I was drinkin' too much and that you felt that I really ought to stop?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
As a friend, I appreciated that.
Yeah. You didn't stop, norm.
I decided you were wrong, but, uh...
Remember we were passing through Concord and we stopped, we took a squirt on that guy's lawn?
Oh, ho ho ho! Yeah!
Yeah. We k*lled his Jack-in-the-pulpit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. So what'd you ask me back here for, norm?
It wasn't to talk over the good times, huh?
Well, uh, not just that.
More like, uh...
About, uh...
Annette.
Oh...
Norm, lookit. Lookit.
When Annette and me are married, it's not gonna change us.
No. Cliff...
Annette's not as innocent as you think she is.
What's that supposed to mean, norm?
It means since she's been workin' here, she has been around...
And...
And around.
What are you saying this for, norm?
'Cause you're jealous or something?
'Cause Annette and I are going and starting a new life together and all the magic's gone out of your relationship?
More people have enjoyed Annette's magic than Doug henning's.
Normy, I'll give you one second to take that back!
Ok, I'll give you 3.
Who's she been with?
Everybody.
You?
No.
'Cause you're married, right?
After you're married to a woman like Vera, you don't even think about extramarital sex.
I try not to think about marital sex.
So, what... You hate me now, right?
No.
Hate her?
No.
Hate yourself?
Yeah.
My choice, too. Yeah.
Eh, I guess I should have known.
She said she invented all those things it takes you years to learn.
Oh...
Oh... I guess I oughta thank you, huh, norm?
Oh.
Eh... Oh, no, no.
Couldn't have been easy for you to...
I just hope I can do the same for you one day.
Thanks.
Well.
Come on. Let's get a beer.
No. I'm not goin' back out there.
The guys are gonna laugh at me.
No one's gonna laugh at you.
Those people care about you, and they know that you're hurtin'.
Anybody who laughs at you has got to answer to me.
Normy, you're about the best friend I ever had.
You're mine.
Wanna hug?
Nah.
Me, either.
I mean, it's not like you pulled me from a burning car or anything.