06x17 - To All the Girls I've Loved Before

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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06x17 - To All the Girls I've Loved Before

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Come in.

Mind if I use your office?

Again?

Hey, you think I like
having to do this?

You know how hard it
is to breast-feed twins?

I haven't had my bra
off and on this much

since junior high.

Hey.

Maybe you could help.

What do you mean "help"?

Well, you got

a decent set of ducts.

Maybe I could
use you as a decoy.

You see?

While I'm pumping one kid,

the other one's attached to you.

Are you serious?

Sure! It'll shut 'em up.

So they won't get milk.

Life is hard.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Good evening, everyone!

Hello.

You know, it's
uncanny, my darling,

but there's not a
room you step foot into

where you're not the most
beautiful woman there.

That's deplorable
sentence structure, Frasier.

What you mean to say is that

I am the most beautiful
woman in any room I enter.

Yes. Well, thank you

for correcting me
in front of 30 people.

There you go,

your usual cured
spritzer. Thanks, Sam.

Hey, the big day is
around the corner, isn't it?

Yeah, next Saturday.

Lilith and I have
been in the process

of writing, editing, rewriting,

and researching
our wedding vows.

Hi, boss.

Hiya.

Hello, Rebecca.

I have a small favor to ask

regarding our impending wedding.

Since all my close
friends will be out of town,

and we have had a
previous conversation,

and our eyes have met
on a number of occasions,

I was wondering if you'd
consent to be my maid of honor.

Me?

Isn't that usually
your best friend?

You are my best friend.

Oh, I'm very flattered.

Um... I guess so.

Sure, Lila.

Lilith.

Right. Right.

I knew that.

Let's discuss wedding gowns.

Do you think black...

Sam, it, uh, goes without saying

of course, that you'll
be my best man.

Aw, I-I don't want to do that.

It makes me feel
so uncomfortable.

I mean, a best man has
to give a toast, doesn't he?

No, look, I-I took the liberty

of writing down a few things.

Then I'd be honored.

Oh, that's great.

What are you doing

for a bachelor party?

Oh, actually, I
haven't any plans.

Well, would you like
to have one tonight?

Well, what do
you think, darling?

Uh, would I like
a bachelor party?

Well... while I feel
that particular ritual

is as passé as taking the
topknot of one's dead enemy,

I will not deprive
you of the experience.

Immature though it might be.

She's a gamer!

Oh!

We're on!

Fellas, stag party tonight.

Hey! All right.

You know, uh,
being maid of honor

means you have
to throw Brunehilda

a bridal shower.

Oh, right.

I guess I should do something.

What kind of
shower do you think?

Kitchen? Linen?

Look at who she's
hitching up with.

Better make it marital aids.

I'll handle this.

Uh, Lilith?

What do you say we
have a little get-together

at my place tonight?

That would be lovely.

Now, you're gonna have
to tell me who to invite,

because I don't know...

anything about you.

I only wish there were some way

I could repay you, Rebecca.

Oh, don't mention it.

If you ever need to
admit a family member

to a mental institution,

I could certainly speed
up the paperwork.

That's very dear of you.

Well, gents... Yep.

My last night of freedom. Yep.

One last chance to...

loosen the old
noose, so to speak.

Really have some
fun while I still can.

Do I hear the
pitter-patter of cold feet?

No! No! Not at all.

I mean, as long as I'm
in love with this woman

and she has my dear old
mother tied up in the cellar,

I'm gonna go through with it.

Darling...

could I speak with you a moment?

Excuse me.

The ball and chain.

Frasier, do you realize that is

the fourth derogatory
remark about marriage

you've made this evening?

Oh, come on, my angel.

I mean, they're...
they're jokes.

I mean, everybody
knows my mother is dead.

That's what makes it funny.

No one loves a
good joke more than I.

But I find that... As our
wedding day approaches...

The frequency of these
quips has increased.

Are you having second thoughts?

Well, only that I
love you more now

than I did five minutes ago.

Leaving aside your
schoolboy sophistries,

let me make you an offer.

If, after your madcap night
of debauchery and vomiting,

you still feel you want to go
through with the wedding plans,

call me and tell me so.

But... Lilith,

that's entirely unnecessary.

I beg to differ.

Up until this point,

you've only seen my
warm and vulnerable side.

Now I must become
cold and analytical.

As if you could, my treasure.

Frasier, I need
your reassurance.

I'll be awaiting your call.

Boy, this bachelor
party should be keen.

"Keen"?

Hey, I don't know about Indiana,

but around here
when guys get together

to send another
guy off to his doom,

things can get a little
raunchy, you hear me?

You fellas ever
dress up farm animals

in women's clothing?

No.

Well, then I'm one up on you.

Gentlemen!

You know, I,

I was listening to a
rock and roll station

on my way over here,

and... you know, to
put me in the mood.

There was a passage in
one of those tribal songs

that I feel, uh...

well, is the keynote
for this evening.

"Everybody have fun tonight."

"Everybody Wang Chung tonight."

Yeah, I think we got a
madman on our hands here.

I had a nap.

You know, gentlemen I...

I can't tell you how
touched I am that you all...

To a man... Came
back for my party.

We never left.

Boy, this is gonna
be some night.

Oh, a real guy night. Yeah!

Check your X
chromosome at the door.

I wonder what the
women are doing?

Oh, they're probably, uh,

hanging around, drinking
some European coffee

you know, mocha
Finland or the like, eh.

Passing around a
bunch of brownies,

saying, "No, I
really shouldn't,"

and then stuffing their faces.

To the man of the hour, huh?

Mr. Frasier Crane,

and to all the girls
we've loved before.

Hear! Hear!

I've, uh...

loved quite a few.
How 'bout a fill-up, huh?

Cliffie.

A big difference between
loving women and annoying them

in the checkout line, okay?

Ah, women.

They're tough to figure out.

Yeah, but they're
sure fun to play with

while you're trying.

If you guys could
have one woman,

any woman in the world,

who would it be?

Oh, that's easy.
Kathleen Turner.

Wah-wah-wah-wah!

Give me Kim Basinger
in 9 1/2 Weeks.

Ten weeks. Ten weeks.

Jill Eikenberry.

You know, L.A. Law?

She's married to that short,
dumpy guy on the show.

Something about her, I like.

Lilith Sternin.

Loni Anderson.

Boy, she's got a set of oompahs

that John Phillip
Sousa would k*ll for.

I swear to God.

My very first time
was in the sixth grade.

School crossing guard.

No! Hey, I swear to you.

Wow, that's more
exciting than my first time.

Wedding night, Norm?

Uh, the following week.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, good news, guys.

Wife says I don't have
to go home till midnight.

Ooh, yeah. The bad news is,

she'll still be awake
when you get there.

Eh, I don't know. Women, women.

You know, uh, once
they get their claws in you,

they just don't let go,
you know what I mean?

Oh, I don't know, Cliff.

I wouldn't say that
about all women.

I'm sure Loni Anderson
doesn't do that.

And I know my Lilith.

Why, just today, she
presented me with an opportunity

to back out of the
marriage if I so desire.

Now, is that blind
faith or what? Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what?

Seems to me that she
might have changed her mind

and is just trying to
let you down easy.

That's the most preposterous
thing I've ever heard.

Oh, I don't know, now.

If you had a 200-pound marlin,

and you're about
haul him on the boat,

would you stop and ask him if
he wanted to go back in the water?

Be careful, Dr. Crane.

This could be a trick question.

I think the laws are
different in each state.

Well, I-I certainly
don't believe

that's true in Lilith's case.

I don't know, Frase, Sammy
could have a point there.

Do you really think Lilith
wants me to back out?

Could be. Could be.

I'd think about it, Doc.

Well, then let's just see
how the night progresses.

Maybe Lilith Sternin
will get her wish, after all.

Where's that stripper?

Let's get Bubbles or Peaches,

or whatever her name is
out here and have at her!

No, you, uh, you
stay right there. Yeah.

We are amused.

Whoo!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Karen!

Dr. Crane!

You know each other?

She's one of my patients.

Karen, I hope you're
doing this for the money,

because this certainly
won't square things

between you and your father.

I'm sorry I spoiled your party.

Oh, nonsense, Karen,
you didn't spoil anything.

And under the circumstances,

we understand, don't we, guys?

There, you see?

Well, bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

Maybe I shouldn't get married.

Oh, come on, what
are you talking about?

Oh, it's time I realized

that there are two
Frasier Cranes.

Frasier the prospective groom
who sent Karen on her way,

and Frasier the pig who wanted
to see her shake her nonnies.

You know, I've never
revealed this to anybody,

but when Diane left me

at the altar, I...
well, there was

a tiny voice that kept saying,

"You're off the hook,
you're off the hook."

Yeah, the only voice

I heard was Vera's

just yapping and yapping.

You ever notice

it's always the women
who want to get married?

Yapping and yapping.

Well, you know, when I
think of all the unhappy people

whom I've counseled
over the years, whose lives

have been scarred and
destroyed by marriages badly cast,

I could write a book.

I have written a book.

Come on, now, Fras.

You're just having
last-minute jitters.

Geez, I-I don't know.

Maybe Lilith isn't
the woman for me.

What do you think of her, guys?

Tell me, listen, I-I-I demand...

complete honesty.

Well, uh, Doc, I'll
be honest with you.

Uh, ixnay, ixnay.

Oh, no, Normie, no,

I just wish that I
was there for you.

No, uh...

I was, uh,

waiting for you to
wise up, there, Doc.

You know, I mean,
Lilith Sternin...

I mean, even the name

makes the old butt
cheeks, uh, tighten up,

you know what I mean?

I mean, she is Olive Oyl
without the good fashion sense.

And that personality, geez...

Hey, whoa, whoa, come
on, hey, Cliff, that's enough.

Yeah, you think so? Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Sam, you know, you've
been uncharacteristically mute.

I mean, surely you have
some opinion on this.

No, no, do it, man.

I think you should

walk off together into
the sunset, you know?

Live happily ever after.

Translation: Frasier Crane,

you're a complete
fool if you get married.

I did not say that.

Now, listen, Sam, I know
exactly what you're thinking.

I mean, every fiber
of your body speaks it.

You live it every day.

Give me one good
reason why the single life

is better than being married.

Okay, uh... well, let's see.

When I get home, I don't
have to explain to anybody

uh, where I've been
or what I've been doing.

If I was out having a good time,

I don't have to call home
to see if I can stay later.

Oh, that reminds me.

There, right there.

There you go.

See, that's what
you're losing, man...

Your freedom.

You know, I can eat
doughnuts for dinner if I want to.

Nobody nags me to
put down the toilet seat.

I am the king of my
own remote control.

I can date anybody I want to,

and if somebody
better turns up...


And somebody always
does, bless their hearts...

Then I can date them
the very next night.

You know, I don't have to worry

about forgetting an anniversary,

no mother-in-laws,
no father-in-laws,

no laws, period.

I only asked for one reason.

My God.

I'm, I'm actually
beginning to have doubts.

No.

You know, I've got to hear

the voice of my beloved

just to reassure me.

Uh, Woody, Woody, give
me Rebecca's number,

and hand me the
phone, would you?

Oh, Dr. Crane, if
Miss Howe answers,

could you ask her
something for me?

What's that, Wood?

Ask her if she has
Prince Albert in a can.

Don't tell her it was me.

No.

Hello.

Yeah, h-hello.

Is that you, Carla?

Yeah, yeah, who is it?

Uh, it's Frasier.

What's all that noise?

What's going on over there?

We're making a quilt.

Well, can I speak
to Lilith, please?

Well, is it important?

She's showing the male
stripper where to put his things.

What?

Oh, I-I got to get back.

I-I got a bet this
guy's packing socks.

She'll call you back sometime.

What happened?

Oh, nothing.

Seems Lilith is
indisposed at the moment.

She's helping to
undress a male stripper.

A male stripper?

Well, where do
they put the tassels?

The thought of my Lilith
having one last carnal fling

with some fellow in a
Speedo is beyond belief!

Now, Frasier, I mean,

just 'cause some
guy strips in her honor

doesn't mean they're going
to wind up in the sack together.

Oh, no, no, no, you
don't know my Lilith.

I'll tell you, once
her libido's cut loose,

I mean, there's no tying
her down, unless, of course,

that's what she's
into for the evening.

She's, right now,
she's with him.

Oh, no, hey, hey, come
on, take it easy here.

She's with that man...
That sweating, chiseled,

Frasier. Pulsing, throbbing...

Hey, hey, whoa. Sexy...

Creme de Menthe?

You couldn't find some water?

My God, Sam.

You realize what
this... this means?

Well, I-I don't know
the clinical term for it,

but it seems to me

you were going a
little scooters there.

I was jealous, Sam.

I-I was insanely,
blindly jealous.

If ever I needed a clearer
gut-level demonstration

of my feelings, I
mean, that was it.

Yes, yes, it's perverted.

Yes, it's childish,
but yes, it's love.

Maybe you ought to
go see her right now.

I will, Sam.

There's just one matter
that has to be rectified first.

Cliff, in light of
my recent decision,

I now take offense at
your remarks about Lilith.

In short, I'm going
to kick your sorry butt.

Ah, now, come on, Doc,
just cool down, will you?

It was just a joke.

Oh, you mean like that
costume you wear every day?

Whoa!

All right, put up your
dukes, Dr. Cream Puff.

Okay, now we got a party, eh?

All right, all right,
uh, before we start,

let's just, uh,

set a few ground
rules, all right?

Uh, no punching in the face

because that can cause
severe brain damage.

Oh, oh, all right, uh,
just one other thing.

Uh, no hitting below the belt.

I'm about to be married.

Uh, all right, all right,
fair enough, fair enough.

All right, well, no hitting

in the, uh, right
shoulder, though.

That's my bag
shoulder, all right?

What about the,
um, upper thigh area?

Uh...

Oh, no, I think we covered
that on page five over here.

Yeah.

Well, then, where
does that leave us?

I don't know; it's leaving me

with writer's
cramp, I'll tell you.

Well, let that be
a lesson to you.

As for me,

I'm going to go
back to my beloved,

throw my arms around
her milky-white shoulders,

and let me tell you
something, fellas.

I'm going to tell her
I'm devoted to her,

and that I'm dedicating
the rest of my life to her.

Hello, everyone.

Frasier, is that you?

Good. I hope this doesn't
spoil the bachelor party,

but the engagement is off.

It's over, history,

kaput. Good night.

What?!

She's kind of juiced.

I can't be engaged
to you, Frasier,

because I'm marrying Randy here.

If anyone wants to
get us a wedding gift,

his butt is this size.

Why don't you sit
down, Dr. Sternin?

Oh, "Dr. Sternin" is
a little formal, isn't it?

You can call me Sheena,
Ruler of the Jungle of Love.

Can somebody sober her up?

Hey, I think you lost a button.

We'll handle it from
here. Thanks, Randy.

Happy to do it. There's
still the matter of cab fare.

Oh. Here, there you go.

Great. Thanks.

See you.

Oh, Randy, don't leave me.

I'll never be able to hear
"Shock the Monkey" again

without crying.

Lilith,

what were you thinking of?!

I'm sorry, Frasier, it's
just that I felt the need

to get back at you.

I waited all evening
for you to call

and say that the
wedding was still on,

but you didn't, you cur.

I did call!

Didn't Carla tell you?

She was too busy licking
Bosco off Randy's chest.

I became increasingly
more distraught and foolish

as the night grew long.

Of course, the 11 tequila
sh**t didn't help.

And now, the epilogue
is that my behavior

has probably cost me
the one man I truly love.

Oh, you can probably
still catch him.

Woody, I don't think

you're following
along closely enough.

Listen, you're not the only one

who's behaved
irrationally tonight.

Lilith... I want to
marry you anyway.

You do?

Absolutely.

For the rest of my life,

I will always
cherish those words:

"Lilith, I want to
marry you anyway."

Come, my sweet.

Let's get on with
our life together.

Uh, thank you all.

Yeah, way to go, Doc.

Good night, Doc. See you, Doc.

Oh, Lilith, just, uh...

promise me two things.

Never leave me for
another, and uh...

don't throw up on me in the cab.

Well, guys, what do you think?

What'll we do now, huh?

I got to get home.

Yeah, I got to
tell my wife, too.

Yeah, I'm out of here, too.

Me, too. Good night, Sam.

Good night, Sam. Yeah.

Hey, that reminds me.

I promised Vera I'd pick
up some Chinese food.

Oh, that's nice of you, Norm.

Well, I spilled it on
the floor this morning.

Yeah, well,

I'll be saying good
night there, Sammy.

I, uh, I am married to
the U.S. Postal Service.

What the hell, Sammy,

we all can't lead
your carefree life.

Well, good night. Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Party's over? Yeah.

They all had women they
had to run home to. Saps.

I just came back to lock up.

Oh, come on, hey,
I always do that.

Oh, that's right.

You're a real night
owl, aren't you?

Yeah. One of the great
joys of being single.

You don't have to tell me.

Those women at the shower...

They have no idea
how to have fun.

Five minutes after Randy left,
we got into this heated debate

about which was better,
mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

Turned into a fistfight.

Ha!

Ah, that's pathetic.

Boy, you know, I'll never
trade in the single life.

Me, neither.

Good night, Sam.
Yeah, good night.

Ah.

Freedom.

You want to go
get a cup of coffee?

Oh, you bet I do.
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