09x01 - Love Is a Really, Really, Perfectly Okay Thing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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09x01 - Love Is a Really, Really, Perfectly Okay Thing

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Man, how about all that stuff
that's going on over at Cheers?

What's that?

You don't know about that?

Well, Rebecca, the
babe who runs the place,

you know she's been dating
Robin Colcord, the multimillionaire.

Uh-huh.

Well, he tried to pull
a hostile takeover

of her corporation and she
was implicated in the deal.

So the corporation dumped her.

Guess who ended
up owning Cheers.

Sam Malone.

You're kidding.

Wait, you haven't
heard the best part.

Now, Colcord
skipped the country,

so Rebecca's ended up
having to take a waitress job...

at Cheers. Wow.

W-Where do you
get this stuff, anyway?

I got my sources.

Another round on the
house, Mr. Peterson?

Thank you very much.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Is Rebecca in her office?

I thought you ditched her

and skipped the country.

I did, but I've come back.

I finally realized what
Rebecca means to me.

What use is my
money or my freedom

if I don't have
the woman I love?

Rebecca?!

(gasps) I'm back.

Oh, my God! Oh,
my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Rebecca, what is
going on in here?

Robin, I can explain.

Wait a minute.

My button's caught
in your zipper here.

Robin, I can't explain.

It's my own fault.

For all you knew, I was
never coming back again.

I left the way clear for
something like this to happen.

But Robin, nothing did happen.

Nothing? No, nothing.

Okay, something almost happened
but I would never betray you.

I love you.

We didn't do anything.

Did we, Sam?

Yeah...

(clearing throat):
what she said.

(knocking)

Hey, jailbird, your
lawyer's on the phone.

Your lawyer?!

Yes, I've made
arrangements to turn myself in.

Oh, Robin.

Oh, I'll wait for you.

I won't have any
money when I come out.

That doesn't matter.

I'll help you
rebuild your fortune.

Yeah, just look at what
she's done with this bar.

Oh, shut up.

Boy, just because you
lose a few billion bucks

is no reason to cop a 'tude.

I guess I should go see
if Robin needs any help.

Sure.

Sam?

Thank you for lying about...

you know.

It's okay, sure.

Thank you for... you know.

I just think it was
the right thing to do.

The lying, I mean,
not the, you know...

Well, that, too.

Yeah.

Anyway... (clears
throat) well... see ya.

See ya.

(tiny object clattering)

Oh...

Your button.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, my attorney's
spoken to the prosecutor

and I... I have to go.

Can't we at least
wait till morning?

Well, my attorney says
that if I turn myself in now,

I can avoid a media circus.

Do you have any idea what
these sleazy tabloids would pay

for a picture of Robin
Colcord the fugitive?

(gasps)

Okay, let's try another one,

only, this time, look
a little bit more guilty.

Guilty?!

SAM: What do you
guys think, huh?

I'm finished.

With, uh, with what, Sam?

With putting my old
stuff back on the wall.

It was gone?

Yeah, it was gone...

Three years gone, man.

Rebecca had her stuff up there.

Ah. Are you so taken
with your own lives

you don't notice the changes
going on around here?

Sammy, we notice the
important things, all right?

By the way, is Diane
coming in today?

Hey! Hey!

Give this man a drink... whoo!

Sammy, I just realized,

I forgot to call Ma and
tell her the good news.

You know how she loves you.

Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink

when she hears
you got the bar back.

Hello, Ma!

Guess who the new
owner of Cheers is.

No, it's not me,
it's, uh, it's Sam.

Well, I'm, uh, still
a mailman, Ma.

Well, I know you had
high hopes for me, Ma,

but I couldn't finish college
and that's all there is to it.

She was thrilled.

SAM: Hey, Woody.

It says here that you and Carla

haven't had a raise
for over two years.

That's right, Sam.

I guess that's why I been
so darn moody lately.

Well, that's one of the things
that's gonna change around here.

Starting tomorrow, you
guys get a $20-a-week raise.

Wow, thanks.

Another thing
here, while I'm at it,

to celebrate the new management,

I am wiping out
everybody's bar tab.

Sam Malone, I am not a
man for mushy sentiment,

but I want you to
know something...

If you ever need a liver
donor, I've got one like yea big.

Woody, round of drinks
on the house for everybody.

All right!

(cheering)

Hi, Sam.

Oh, hi.

I didn't expect to see
you waitressing here today

with your billionaire
boyfriend back in town.

Well, it's only temporary
until I find a good job.

You know what they say...

Better a temporary dead-end
stupid job than no job at all.

Ah, just what every
employer wants to hear.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna, uh, take
these plants of yours

out to the woods and
give them their freedom.

So, what's new, Miss Howe?

I just got back from
visiting Robin in jail.

They're not going
to let him out on bail

since he jumped bond earlier.

They're gonna charge him a huge
penalty, even if he pleads guilty.

I don't think they're gonna give
that poor guy any breaks at all.

I got a raise.

You deserve it, Woody.

I deserved it two years ago.

Who was the boss then?

Let me think.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Boy, of all days for my kids to
handcuff me to the water heater.

Why, uh, what's the
big deal about today?

Didn't Sam tell
you what happened

in the office last night?

No. What?

He and Rebecca were in
there for for a mighty long time

and that place was wrecked.

He didn't mention
a thing. Really?

Maybe he's saving all
the dirty details for me.

He's such a gentleman.

(watch alarm beeps three times)

Well, fellows, that's the bell

announcing Clavin's
midmorning brain twister.

Oh, you going to get
up and try to walk again?

Is this going to be
along the same lines

as yesterday's little pearl?

If the Lennon Sisters,
the Maguire Sisters

and the Andrew Sisters
all came to a four-way stop,

which would have
the right-of-way?

No, no, no, no.

This one is, uh,
based on historical fact.

Now listen up.

How would the Civil
w*r have changed

if Lincoln had had octopus
tentacles instead of a beard?

For God's sake, Cliff.

There is no practical
answer to that question.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now we can assume that
the Gettysburg Address

would have been written on
the back of eight envelopes.

Very good.

Very good answer, Normie.

Also, he could have
disarmed John Wilkes Booth

and still applauded the play.

Now, in a related query,

what if Herbert Hoover
was able to expand his face

like a blowfish?

What were you
guys talking about?

Former presidents with
fish parts in their faces.

Come on.

Do you really
expect me to believe

you were talking about
something that stupid?

Where have you
been all these years?

Hello!

I know what you were doing.

You were trying to
cover up the fact that

you were gossiping about me.

REBECCA: And, as
soon as I turn my back,

you will go on about Sam
and I in that office last night.

Didn't I tell you? I knew
something happened.

Ooh, guys, do you think
Sammy finally bagged Rebecca?

MEN: Yeah!

Oh, hey, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

This is, you know,
just guy talk, you know.

Carla, you think he
finally bagged Rebecca?

Yeah!

There he is.

Why don't we ask him?

Sammy,

last night...

You... the Howitzer
in the office.

Come on. NORM: Come on, Sam.

Come on.

Guys, guys, that's tacky.

Sam, we know that.

It says it above
the door. Come on.

All right, if you must know...

Nothing happened.

End of story.

I guess nothing did happen.

I guess not.

Sammy would never
withhold information like that.

No. He lives to
talk about that stuff.

And we live to hear about it.

Aw, it's a symbiotic
relationship. Mm-hmm.

Much like that between the
shark and the tiny pilot fish

that constantly swims
around its mouth

picking out the
little bits of meat.

I suppose you're
now going to tell me

that if George Washington
had had a pilot fish,

he wouldn't have
needed wooden dentures.

Now you're getting
up to speed, Dr. Crane.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then he could have,
uh, swum across the Delaware

to defeat the Hessians.

(laughing): No Dr. Crane,

try to understand.

It's only the president's
face that changes.

It's not like he grew
fins or something.

(silly gibbering)

(knocking on door)

Sam.

Oh, hi.

I wanted to thank
you for your discretion.

What do you mean?

Well, not telling Robin
about us was one thing,

but not telling all
those g*ons out there...

I know that was
a real sacrifice.

No, no big deal. Yes, it is.

I know how much you love

to crow to all your friends

about your great
romantic encounters.

Rebecca, believe
me, it was nothing.

Wait, wait... not telling
them was nothing,

or the great romantic
encounter was nothing?

What?

Oh, uh, the not
telling, of course.

No, the... romantic
stuff was great.

Wasn't it?

You know, I don't mean to be
disloyal to Robin or anything,

but... it was one of the
most powerful things

that's ever happened
to me in my life.

Really?

You need to get out more, hon.

What?

You mean you didn't like it?

No, I said I did, didn't I?

No, it was great.

I liked... I really,
really liked it a lot.

But what?

Uh... I don't know.

It's, like,

maybe I was looking forward
to it too much, you know?

Like when you're really
excited about a new movie.

Like The Bad News
Bears. Remember that?

For weeks, people kept
coming up and telling me

what a great movie it was.

But when I finally went to
see it... So it wasn't that great.

No, it's just Tatum O'Neal
throwing a ball around.

Not that.

Oh, you mean us?

I told you really,
it was fine, honey.

Fine?!

But it was a letdown,
like The Bad News Bears.

No, it was... (sputters)

much better than
The Bad News Bears.

Maybe I was a little off.

I don't... you know?

I mean, I knew that
I'd been depressed

and I'd been crying for
a couple of days and...

Wait a minute.

What?

I know what you're doing.

You are trying to convince me

that I was not good in bed,

so I will go to
bed with you again

to prove how good I can be.

I swear to you, Rebecca...

No, wait a minute.

We did it once and
that's all we're gonna do it.

And no matter how
much we might want it

and no matter how
great it was for both of us,

we're never doing it again.

Fine. I mean it, never again.

Gotcha. You should listen
to me... there is no more.

I hear you

and I agree with you.

It was a terrific moment
that you and I had together,

but the truth is, you know,

I can see that you love
Robin and Robin loves you,

so, truthfully, I'm liberated.

I feel, I feel good.

But I just hope we can,
you know, remain friends.

Get your mind out of your pants.

Hey, wait-wait-wait!
Come back here.

I wasn't trying to
do anything there.

Oh, stop caressing me.

I have had it

with this constant
sexual harassment!

I am quitting this job

and I'm never coming back here.

Me too, man.


20 lousy bucks after two years.

Man, I'm out of here. Wait
up, Miss Howe, wait up...

Woody, that was a personal
thing between me and Rebecca.

It had nothing to
do with your raise.

Well, still, 20 lousy bucks...

Well, that's fine...

25. Now, let's get back to work.

Come on.

Hey, keep your hands off.

Wait, wait, wait a
minute, Sammy, look,

Rebecca just said she was
leaving here, and never coming back.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, man.

This is terrible.

What?

Sammy finally
struck out for real.

Ooh.

(customers muttering, murmuring)

What are you talking about here?

We all knew that it
was taking a long time,

but we thought that, eventually,

you two would be doing
the horizontal hokeypokey.

But I guess that's it, huh?

Lower the flag.

The end of an era.

First, the Communist
bloc crumbles,

and now Sammy's studhood.

Yep. Guess that's it.

SAM: No, it's not.

Come here.

Come on, all of you.

I want you to step
in the office there,

and I'll show you where we...

uh, where we, uh,

decided to put up some,
uh, some shelves, uh...

Tall ones, you know,
it'll be great for books

and uh, some of my
videotapes and everything...

It'll be nice.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

What I can't figure out is why,

why I don't want to
tell any of my friends.

No, that's not true... I-I
do want to, but I can't.

Why? That's...

That's... You know, maybe

it was such a letdown

that I didn't feel like
bragging about it.

Or maybe it was not a letdown

and I was just ticked
that she dumped me

as soon as her
boyfriend walked in.

Or maybe she's right

and I'm just trying to
get her in the sack again.

I don't know.

God! I-I just... I-I'm
just a simple guy

trying to deal with
this complex problem.

Or maybe... maybe
I'm a complex guy

trying to deal with a simple
problem, I don't know.

What do you think, Father?

Am I to understand that you
had relations with a woman

who is not your wife?

Yes. That's, uh...

that's correct, Father.

Uh, what do I need to do?

Say three Hail Marys...

four Our Fathers
and nine rosaries.

Thank you, Father.

Nine rosaries? That's a lot.

We're cracking down.

You mean that
I... I have to do that

for each one of these beads?

Hey, it's not a
religion for wusses.

CLIFF: You know, uh, Sam,

we all feel kind of bad

about what you're
going through and...

as much as we live
vicariously through you

when you score, we...
also feel vicarious pain

when you strike out.

So what's the deal?

Are you gonna snap
out of this by the weekend

or do we have to go
rent a Matt Helm movie?

I'm fine.

Can we just drop
the subject, please?

Sam, is something troubling you?

Do you need to talk to someone?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I
do need to talk to someone.

I need to talk to
everybody here.

I don't know why it's taken me

so long to get this out here,
but last night, in that office,

Rebecca Howe and I had...

uh, a disagreement about those
shelves I was telling you about.

Uh, you know, I'm gonna
put them up anyway.

You know, what the heck.

They'll be good for
knickknacks and everything.

I think they're
gonna look, uh, fine.

Matt Helm never
had to build shelves.

(knocks on door)

Hi, Sam. Hi.

I didn't expect to see you here.

I just came back
for my final paycheck

and there seems
to be some mistake.

It's only for $16.

Oh, darn those computers.

How can they make
a mistake like that?

It was supposed to be for six.

You got a ten on you?

This isn't about a silly check.

Give me the check.

This is about us.

What about us?

Sam, we have been friends
for too long to let it end this way.

And I just came back to say

that I'm sorry I ran
out earlier in a huff

and that I knew you

weren't coming on to me,

and that when you
said I wasn't good,

that it wasn't just some
trick to get me back into bed,

it was because you
were being honest,

because I am a lousy lover.

No, sweetheart,
you're not lou...

No, Sam, it's all right.

It's not like I haven't
heard it before.

I have to learn to accept it.

You know, some
people are bad at math.

Some people can't skip.

No, no...

You're a fantastic lover.

I am a dud and I know it.

Robin just didn't realize
it because he's English.

Listen, I wouldn't say you
were good if you weren't.

Maybe I just, you know,
wasn't too enthusiastic

this morning because
my feelings were hurt.

I mean, the minute
he comes in here,

you act as if nothing happened.

No... no, no.

Sam, that doesn't wash.

You have been after
me for three years.

And you finally got me.

I mean, if I was even adequate,

I know that you would
have run out there

and told every bozo in the bar.

You don't think I
wasn't dying to do that?

It was making me crazy.

It's just that I thought that
I'd be betraying our friendship.

I never really had
a friend before.

You have lots of friends.

No, no, I never
"had" a friend before.

It's weird.

I don't know how to behave.

I don't...

So you really, really did this

out of respect
for our friendship?

Uh-huh.

Sort of... sort of like
you were being noble?

Well, I...

Yeah, I guess so. I guess...

And, uh, I wasn't lousy?

No. You were fantastic.

Look, you want me
to prove it to you,

I'll go out there and tell
them that we made love.

No, no, no, no, Sam, no.

It's enough

just knowing you're
willing to do that.

No, I think you need more.

No, no, no.

No, Sam, don't
give up your nobility.

Aw, come on.

Let, a noble guy
have some fun here.

Oh! I get it: you
want to tell them.

Yeah. It's a guy
thing, you know.

At least let me tell Carla.

Okay, go ahead.

Really? Yes, yes, you've
done a lot for me; it's fine.

Yeah, this friendship
stuff's gonna to be fantastic.

Yes...

Hey, guys, guys, listen up here.

(laughing)

Uh, last night...

Rebecca and I made love,

and she was fabulous.

(sighing deeply): Well...

this has got to be the
saddest day of my life.

What?

Sammy, you never had
to resort to lying before.

What, you don't believe me?

First of all, why would you
wait a whole day to tell us?

And second of all...

She was fabulous?!

Sammy,

come on, let's go
look at those shelves.

No, no, really, I
was being noble.

No, really, I was fabulous.
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