01x03 - Rose the Prude

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend Discard already!

I'm 80- I'd like to live long enough to see the next hand!

No need to, Ma.

Gin.

You're taking advantage.

You know I'm whacked out on blood pressure medicine.

Honey, if the medicine bothers you, change the prescription.

I like being whacked out.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here!

My date's brother just came into town and unless I can find a date for him so we can double, the whole evening's gonna be called off.

So what do you say?

Would you please be a friend and go out with him?

Sure, I'm game!

Next time, Sophia.

Dorothy, what do you say?

Oh, honey, I'd really love to go.

But as you can see, I'm busy.

Busy?

You're playing cards!

We are not playing cards, we are playing gin rummy.

And she stinks at it!

We've been doing it for 30 years - she hasn't beaten me once!

Tonight's going to be different.

Tonight, the 30 years of humiliation ends!

Ooh, I'm so scared, my dentures are chattering.

- Hi!

- Oh, Rose, honey, are you up for a night on the town with two handsome, eligible bachelors?

Thanks for asking, but I don't think so.

I'm not that interested in dating anymore.

Now you know that's not true, honey, or you'd let your hair go natural.

You know what my problem really is?

I'm spoiled.

I had a long and wonderful marriage with a perfect man.

Everyone seems so ordinary after Charlie.

Honey, it's just for dinner, and Charles would want you to eat.

Oh, Rose, be a friend.

If you don't go, I can't go.

I know I'm gonna regret this and I know I'm gonna have a miserable time,

- but I'll go.

- Aw, that's the spirit!

I'll go call the boys.

Rose, why do you look so depressed?

I'm tired of going out and not enjoying myself.

All the men I meet act so old.

Last week, I went out with this man that talked for two hours about his prostate problems.

I lived in Minnesota for 51 years

- I never even heard of a prostate.

Honey, they don't have them there.

It's too cold.

Dorothy, you should be going on this date.

At least you'd have some fun.

Nothing could be more fun than b*ating my mother at cards tonight.

- What's the name of the game?

- Gin!

Gin!

Dorothy?

What's the matter?

Something wrong?

The thrill of victory!

The agony of defeat!

I don't know why you play cards with your mother.

It just makes you crazy.

You're absolutely right, Blanche!

This has gone on far too long!

Mom, I am not playing gin with you anymore!

You'll be back.

You know why?

You're too competitive!

It's always been your worst feature.

Actually, your ears are your worst feature.

But competitive is right up there!

Do you believe that?

No.

I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.

- Nighty-night!

- Wait!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, you haven't told me about the double date!

It was a complete disaster.

You mean Rose and her guy didn't hit it off?

Oh no, they got along just great.

It was my escort who turned out to be the dud.

Next time, I'm gonna date both brothers before I give one away.

- Hi!

- Hi!

I hear you had a great time tonight.

It was the best!

I haven't laughed so much or acted so silly since I was a teenager.

- You know what we did?

- What?

- We ran a tollbooth!

- Oh Arnie said he just did it because it was there!

Oh, he is the most outrageous, unpredictable man I have ever met!

Jeffrey's on a low-sodium diet.

I can't remember when I had so much fun!

We went dancing at The Beachcomber.

We're gonna go back again tomorrow night.

Jeffrey doesn't dance.

He says it makes his ankles swell.

Honey, I think it's terrific that you had a good time tonight.

I have you two to thank for it.

Goodnight!

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight!

Blanche, come on now!

Be happy for her!

She finally met someone.

I mean, you go out with lots of interesting guys!

Name one.

How about that coach from the Miami Dolphins?

Oh, yeah.

That night was kind of fun.

The training room, the whirlpool, the adhesive tape Name another one.

Honey, take a cold shower and go to bed.

Dorothy, would you please open this jar of macadamia nuts for me?

- You can't get it open?

- Oh, I didn't try.

- I don't want to risk cracking a nail.

- What are these, claws?

I figured you wouldn't mind, seeing as how you work with your hands all day.

I'm a teacher - I grade papers.

I don't shuck oysters!

Thank you.

I'm going next door to Frieda Goodson's.

We're having a club meeting.

I didn't know you were in a club.

A bunch of us get together and send our pictures in to Willard Scott with a note saying we're 100.

Ma, that's ridiculous!

You got a better way to get on The Today Show?

Will you take it inside, Rose?

This isn't the French Quarter!

- You'll think about next week, Rose?

- I will, Arnie.

Talk to you soon.

Well, it looks like you and Arnie are getting pretty serious.

- Honey, are you all right?

- I'll be fine.

Is this about Arnie?

No, Blanche, she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Arnie wants me to go away with him on a cruise to the Bahamas.

Oh, and you're upset because he wants you to pay your own way?

I'm upset because we'll be all alone.

In the middle of the ocean.

On a ship.

In a state room.

With a bed.

Oh.

I don't know what to do.

I haven't been with a man in that special way since Charlie d*ed.

Get out of here!

It's true!

Charlie was the only lover I ever had.

And my first time was on our wedding night.

Get out of here!

Oh, back off, Blanche!

Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

Maybe it sounds strange, but without Charlie, I thought that part of my life was over.

I never gave it a second thought.

Until now?

Then I think you should go on the cruise.

Honey, if the situation is right, you'll know it.

But I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, honey, I know what you're going through.

The bottom line is, if you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen.

But honey, if you don't take a chance, nothing happens.

I'm gonna take a chance.

- Oh, that's wonderful!

- Oh, great, Rose!

Oh, I have to look in my closet.

I don't even know what to wear the first night on the ship!

A life jacket and a great big smile!

- You startled me!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Next time I'II I'll knock.

I like your bathrobe.

Yeah.

Kids gave it to me for Father's Day.

I wish I had that knack.

Picking out unusual gifts.

- Is it, um, is it terry cloth?

- Yeah, I think it is.

Terry cloth wears a long time.

It's a nice fabric.

- Yes, perfect for a robe.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, I guess it's time to turn in.

- I guess.

Oh, you're not tired?

- Not really.

- Me neither.

Do you feel like dancing?

Oh, I'd love to.

I can be dressed and back in that ballroom in ten minutes!

No, no, Rose!

We don't have to go through all that trouble.

See, I bought this for my grandson

- sounded so good, I kept it for myself.

- Oh, I love Glenn Miller!

- Come on.

I met my husband at a Glenn Miller dance.

It wasn't really the Glenn Miller Orchestra

- it was d*ck Singleton and The Singletones.

Their motto was: if you close your eyes, you think it's Glenn Miller.

Believe me, no matter what you did, you knew it was d*ck Singleton.

Rose, Rose, you're one of a kind.

That's what my husband used to say.

You know, in a lot of ways, you remind me of Charlie.

The way you laugh.

The way you dance.

Even the way Rose, I'm not Charlie.

I'm Arnie Peterson from Plainfield, New Jersey.

If you like me, it's for who I am, not for who I remind you of.

I do like you, Arnie Peterson.

I like you too, Rose Nyland.

- Oh, you can't sleep either, huh?

- No.

Want some tea?

Oh, please.

Watch what you're grabbing.

I got a specimen in there.

Gee, I wonder what Rose is doing right now.

You mean, you wonder if she's doing it right now.

No, I just wonder if maybe we didn't push her into something too fast.

What I can't understand is how in the world she managed to wait 15 years.

How long did you wait after George d*ed?

- 'Till the paramedics came.

- Ma!

As the reverend was performing the funeral service,

- I knew for sure that he wanted me.

- Oh I'd always known that there'd been something between us.

Sometimes from the pulpit, he'd be talking about sin and he'd look straight at me.

We couldn't do anything about it because he was married.

But after his wife d*ed, there was no stopping him.

So?

Well, we could finally consummate our long and burning passion.

And?

It took about ten minutes.

He wore his watch and his socks.

I never saw him again.

Your father didn't even take off his pants!

Ma!

What about you, Dorothy?

Who was the first after Stan, hmm?

- Blanche.

- Her divorce lawyer.

- How did you know?

- It's always the divorce lawyer.

Oh, it was a terrible time for me.

You know, I'd gone on an eating binge when Stan left and I put on quite a bit of weight.

Plus, I was not a 20-year-old.

You know, when you're 20, no matter what you do, everything stays where it's supposed to.

Now, when you lean over, it looks like somebody's let the air out of your face.

What?

Honey, lean over a mirror some time and take a look at yourself.

- Where's a mirror?

- There's one in the tool drawer.

I think you'd better take a sedative before you look.

Don't be silly.

I look at my face all the time.

How different could it be leaning over?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Dorothy, why didn't you tell me about this before?

Only on your back, Blanche.

That way everything slides back and you look like you just had a face lift.

Oh, you're right.

I'm gorgeous.

I'm gonna have to meet men lying down.

I thought you did.

Of course that way, not only does your face fall back, but your chest does too.

Unfortunately, it falls back and off to the side.

Rose, Rose, are you still in there?

This is crazy!

Look, I talked to the purser.

Another cabin is available and I'll move to it.

But I need to get in the bathroom, Rose.

I hate to go anywhere without my Actifed.

Good morning.

I can't let you see my eyes.

They look terrible from crying.

Rose, you couldn't possibly look terrible to me.

I left my contact lenses in the bathroom.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, it can be awkward.

I thought I could do it, I really did.

And then I couldn't.

You see, it would have been the first time since my husband d*ed.

I figured it was the first time.

It's been 15 years since he d*ed, huh?

Boy, he must have been something.

This may sound silly, but it's true.

I felt I would be unfaithful to Charlie if I slept with you.

Rose, it's not silly.

I felt that way when my wife d*ed.

- You did?

- Absolutely.

'Course I didn't let that stop me.

You mean you'd just make love and feel lousy?

Well, I'd feel lousy about it.

But otherwise, I'd feel terrific.

Look, that's the difference between men and women, I guess.

We can do it no matter what.

Rose, I adored Molly, my wife.

We were married 34 years.

Never slept with another woman.

I looked, I enjoyed, I patted a few bottoms, but that was it, Rose.

No, Molly was my world.

Then one day a drunk in a Chevy took my world away.

For a year, I was a zombie.

I dressed, I worked, I slept.

For fun, I ate onion sandwiches.

Then one day, my daughter sat me down and she said, "Mom would hate what you're doing.

She would say, 'Arnie, who are you saving yourself for?

I'm dead.

And I'm not in heaven if I have to worry about you.

"' That convinced me.

I wonder what Charlie would say, if he knew.

Probably the same thing Molly said.

Molly didn't actually say that, Rose.

- There's something else.

- Oh?

I might k*ll you.

What?

What are you talking about?

I've never told anybody this in my life, but my husband d*ed while he was making love to me.

And I'm afraid if we make love, I'll k*ll you.

If you haven't made love in 15 years, that's a possibility.

Hey, Rose Rose, don't worry about it.

Listen, I had a checkup a couple of weeks ago

- I got the heart of a 12-year-old.

Rose, whatever you want to do is fine with me.

I just like being with you.

Hey, I'd better pack my stuff.

- Arnie?

- Yeah?

Sit down.

Hold me.

Buzz off.

- I'll spot you 25 points.

- Aw, Ma, enough already.

I'm not gonna play cards with you anymore.

- Why not?

- Why should I?

You're the only one who gets any enjoyment out of it.

- Nah, cards bore me to tears.

- Then why do you play?

- I like the talking.

- The what?

The talking.

You and I had some of our best talks over a game of gin rummy.

I don't know why.

It just seemed easier for both of us to open up while we were playing cards.

Your aunt Jean was the same way.

During a pinochle game, she told me that she swam nude in a pool with Charles Boyer.

Aunt Jean?

You never told me that.

I would have gotten around to it, but we stopped playing cards.

Rose is back.

Her taxi just pulled up.

Oh, I wonder if she had a great time on that cruise.

- She did if she fooled around.

- I can't wait to find out.

Oh, come on now.

It's none of our business.

- I bet she did.

- I bet she got cold feet.

Now listen, I want to know just as much as you two.

But what happened between her and Arnie is private.

If she wants to talk about it, fine.

But if she doesn't, I don't want anybody asking any embarrassing questions.

I'm back!

So, did you and Arnie play find the cannoli?

- What?

- Nothing, nothing Rose!

Just sit down here, honey, and tell us all about your trip.

Oh, it was fabulous!

The food was delicious.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous.

And the activities on board ship, well, the list goes on forever!

Masquerade balls, hootenannies, tours of the engine room, fashion shows, Jazzercize, Las Vegas Night, Monte Carlo Night, Rio Night, Riviera Night Who cares, Rose!

Did you and Arnie hit the sheets or not?

Dorothy!

- Some women don't kiss and tell.

- Oh, sh**t, honey, that's half the fun.

Most of the boys I dated in college were just for the stories.

You must have more stories than O.

Henry!

I'm gonna unpack.

Now, this isn't fair.

You have to tell us.

No, you don't.

But if you go out that door and don't come back in, we'll know you didn't.

And if you do come back, that means you did.

- It was wonderful.

- Oh!

Oh, honey, this is terrific!

Oh, I'm so happy, and I have you two to thank for it!

You two?

Don't you think Arnie should get at least an honorable mention?

I want you to know, going on this cruise changed my life.

Being with Arnie made me realize that I can care for a man again, without feeling guilty about it.

Oh, it's a nice feeling, you know, that when one part of your life is over, another part can begin.

Now I'm really gonna unpack.

Oh, let me help you, honey.

I'll get the juicy details.

Ma, Persian Rummy?

- 500 points?

- Penny a point.

You deal.

I meant to tell you, I got a card from Gloria Pelizado today.

Oh, how many stamps did she use?

Gloria Pelizado's been dead for two years.

Who said Gloria Pelizado?

I said Flo Pelizado.

- Why don't you pay attention?

- Oh, how is Flo?

Oh, beautiful.

She and her second husband, Pete, are in Rome.

You remember Pete, the man you could have had?

I did have him.

That's why I didn't want him.

You and Pete?

You never told me that!

Later, later.

First I want to hear about Aunt Jean and Charles Boyer.

Oh, you know your Aunt Jean.

She was always just two steps away from the gutter.

Anyway, one summer she decided to