01x11 - Stan's Return

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend

(whistles)

- What do you think?
- I can't decide.

Oh, honey, trust me, Martinique is perfect.

It has everything and all the men speak French.

What do the women speak?

- Honey, everybody speaks French.
- Then we can't go there.

- I don't know any French.
- Don't worry.

All you need to know are two phrases - yes, and no, your roommate can't watch.

I was thinking maybe some place like Williamsburg, Virginia.

Or maybe Washington, D.C.

You're moving, Rose? Too bad.
This would be touching if I liked you more.

I'm not moving, Sophia. The three of us are planning a vacation together.

Without me?

We were hoping that maybe you'd stay here and watch the house.

Why don't you take the house? I'll stay here and watch the hole in the ground!

Hello, everybody.
Hi, Ma.

Brooke Shields takes her mother everywhere!

- She just found out about our vacation.
- We thought you were gonna tell her.

I was waiting for the right moment.

You know, like right after we landed in New York.

New York?
I want to go to an island.

New York is an island.

No, I mean some place where swarthy men who don't speak English rub oil all over your body.

Great, then we can go for a ride on the subway.

- Stan's here.
- Oh.

What is he doing here?

He needs my signature on some papers so I told him he could stop by.

- Oh.
- Where is he?

I left him on the doorstep.

I wanted the neighbors to see what a bacia-galoop you married.

I'll be back in a minute.

Where is this vacation spot that doesn't allow mothers?

Look, Ma, please.
We'll discuss this after Stan leaves.

What's to discuss?

You're leaving me behind to guard the house like an old watchdog.

I hope a neighbor comes by to give me fresh water.

- Hello, Stan.
- Dorothy, hello.

- You look fantastic.
- Please, please, Stan.

No hugging, no kissing.
Let's just do it and get it over with.

Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.

I wish it was that good.

- It wasn't that bad.
- No, you're right.

The important thing is that it's over.
Come on in.

Hello, Sophia.

So, did you bring the young chippy with you?

Ma, come on, you're talking about his wife.
So did you bring the bimbo?

Chrissy's back in Maui.

I just came to sell a piece of property that Dorothy and I bought when we were in Miami on our honeymoon.

- Just sign on the last page.
- Read it first.

The last time he had you sign something, I ended up in a home.

Relax. It's just property where Dorothy and I talked about retiring someday.

Wait a minute, Stan.
I can't sign this now.

Oh, come on, babe.
I thought everything was agreed.

But this has to be signed in front of a notary public and don't call me babe.

Darn! Can you meet me at a notary's tomorrow?

- Do I have a choice?
- You're beautiful.

I'll call you in the morning and make the arrangements.

So long, Sophia!
You're beautiful, too.

- Why did I ever marry that man?
- Because he knocked you up.

- Why did I ever let that happen?
- 'Cause he got you drunk.

Why am I even discussing this with you?

Beats the hell out of me.

You sure all you want is coffee?
The corned beef here is really primo.

No. I didn't even want the coffee.

You were the one who said it'd be rude if I didn't join you.

Besides, I thought the little woman had you eating things like sprouts and roots and those green things that grow under boats.

Let's not talk about Chrissy.

Oh, come on.
We've had a bitter divorce that time has softened into a hostile relationship.

Face it, our topics of conversation are limited.

Come on.
We just sold a piece of property

that we bought on our honeymoon.
Don't you feel a little sentimental?

No.

What do you say we take a drive and take one last look at it?

Oh, two hours in a car with my ex-husband, looking at a piece of swampland that I don't even own anymore...

Oh, Stan, you really know how to show a girl a good time.

She left me.

- What?
- Chrissy left me for a younger man.

Younger than Chrissy?
Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?

I didn't want to say anything.
What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.

I deserve to gloat a lot!

But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on...

I don't know how to finish that sentence - I usually say Stan.

- When did it happen?
- Ah, a couple of months ago.

She told me she thought we were no longer sexually compatible.

She didn't say it exactly in those words.

Of course not. Those words have more than one syllable.

Anyway, she found a guy with a few less miles on his surfboard and that was that.

Well, I must say, you're taking it fairly well.

It's a front.

You sure you're not going to say "I told you so?"

You're a good person, Dorothy.

- You want some?
- Oh, wonderful!

Half a pound of cholesterol.

Are you sure you don't want to go take a ride and look at our swamp?

Oh, why not?
I mean, the day's sh*t anyway.

I'll take you to dinner.
How about that seafood place near the Fontainebleau where we were on our honeymoon?

Sure, why not?

If memory serves me correctly, the last time, we excused ourselves before the main course

- and rushed back to the hotel.
- Mmm...

If memory serves me, we rushed back to the hotel because you had the runs from that cheap lunch you bought us.

Oh, yeah.

I don't care what Dorothy says, I'm not spending my vacation in New York.

It might be interesting. I've never been to New York.

You haven't, Rose? I'm shocked, you're so cosmopolitan!

Take it from me, you're not missing a thing.

The people are rude, the streets are full of criminals, everything's overpriced.

I don't know why Frank Sinatra sings about it.

New Yorkers are all sickos.

We could go to Hollywood.

Sure, good choice.
No sickos there!

Sophia, please. We're trying to make a very difficult decision here.

Excuse me! Not only am I not allowed to go, I'm not allowed to talk about it!

This is the same deal Cinderella had with her stepsisters!

I've always wanted to go to Hollywood.

When I was a young girl, I used to dream about becoming a movie star.

Mr. Mason, who owned the corner drugstore, said I was a young Barbara Billingsley.

So when I turned , I told my father that I wanted to take acting lessons.

What did he say?

No.

Great story, Rose.

But you know what?
Hollywood's not a bad idea.

Should we tell Dorothy that we want to go to Hollywood?

Why don't we! As soon as she gets up!
To Hollywood!

- To Hollywood!
- Morning.

I guess you ladies didn't recognize me without my toupee.

I guess that's it.

Do you mind if I use the phone?

You already used my daughter, you didn't ask for my permission.

- There's a phone in the living room.
- Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

OK, I know what it looks like.
And frankly, that's exactly what it is.

You had to bring him home? You couldn't find a drunken sailor on a street corner?

We're a little surprised, that's all.

You're not alone. I mean, it was the last thing in the world I expected.

I met him, we went to sign the papers, we had lunch, he told me his wife left him...

And you believed him?
That is the oldest line in the book.

- I hear that at least twice a week!
- And it works every time.

I said it was old.
I didn't say it doesn't work.

No, believe me, Chrissy left him.
He was devastated.

Next thing I knew, I was holding him, he was crying, we were in bed.

It was just as it always had been.

- Well, I'm shocked.
- I was too.

You know, Chrissy didn't teach him a thing.

If he's moving in, I'm moving out.

He is not moving in, Ma.
We are not getting back together.

It was just one night with a comfortable stranger and that's where it ends.

Believe me, we both know that.

No, you heard me right.
Six dozen long-stemmed roses.

And the card should read, "To Dorothy and a wonderful new beginning."

We're gonna talk to the travel agent about Hollywood.

- Do you want to come with us?
- No, look, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to spend my vacation sitting in a tour bus, looking at houses that may or may not belong to Lucille Ball.

I'm not spending my vacation in New York getting mugged and groped and insulted.

I'll be happy to go anywhere they don't spit on Americans.

- Why don't you come with us?
- I can't.

Stan called, he's stopping by.

What's he going to do?
Bring you some more flowers?

You know what I don't understand?

I don't understand why he sent you flowers at all.

I mean, two days ago you hated each other.

And you know what else I don't understand?

I don't understand how two people who go off to a business meeting end up in bed together.

And you know what else I don't understand?

I don't understand why you didn't tell him this morning exactly how you felt.

Is that is, Rose?
I mean, are you finished, or is there something else that you don't understand?

Well, actually, there is.

I don't understand how a thermos keeps things both hot and cold.

Neither do I. But I'll tell you, if ever I sleep with Mr. Wizard,

I'll find out what I can.

I'm sorry, honey. It's just, last night should not have happened, but it did.

And it obviously means more to Stan than it does to me.

I mean, right now, he's hurt and he's vulnerable.

Why didn't you tell him that this morning?

I was too shocked and I didn't know how to tell him.

And to tell the truth, I don't even know what I want to tell him.

What do you mean?

I mean that I am totally confused about what I feel.

(knock at the door

- Hi, Stan.
- Hello, Stan.

Blanche, Rose, don't leave on my account.

No, they have to.

They're hitching up the house to the car and entering it in the Rose Parade.

We'll see you all later.

- Didn't you like the flowers?
- They're beautiful.

They're absolutely beautiful, but it's too much!

I know! I can't believe how expensive roses got since the last time I sent them to you.

Yeah, well, everything's gotten more expensive since Truman left office.

Stan, listen, we really have to talk about last night.

We sure do.

What do you say about us getting back together?

Come on in, girls.

- See, what did I tell you?
- Ma, what are you doing?

I was having a meeting with my vacation club.

It seems there are a lot of children who like to take vacations without their mothers.

Yeah, but...
What are you all doing here?

They never heard of a woman going to bed with her ex-husband.

That's him, girls.

I can't explain it either.

I think we'd better continue our discussion in the kitchen.

Sure, babe.
Beautiful. Dorothy.

You just want us to get back together again? Just like that?

I mean, Stan, we're divorced. Stan, you walked out on me.

You left me for another woman.

I realize I may be rushing things.
But think about it.

We had years together.
A lot of it was good.

I can't believe one stupid mistake on my part could undo all of that.

Well, believe it.
It was one hell of a stupid mistake.

Was I the first guy to ever go through a mid-life crisis and react that way?

Probably not.
But you were the first one I was married to.

Dorothy, Dorothy, hear me out.

I know what you're thinking.
That last night really didn't mean anything.

But you're wrong.

The fact that it happened at all proves that there's still something between us.

And now we've got a chance to start all over.

We could take that cruise we always talked about.

We could look into that antique shop you always wanted to open.

We could stop the sale of that property and build the home we always dreamed of.

There are so many things that we can do together.

So many things you can't do alone.

Don't answer me right now.
Just think about it - please?

Please don't close the door on the rest of our lives.

I love you, Dorothy.
Took me awhile to realize I always have.

You shouldn't take him back!

It's not just my opinion.
We took a vote.

- Hey, what are you two doing up?
- Waiting for you.

We thought you might want to talk.

All the food's already on the table.
We didn't want to waste precious time.

Thank you.
So, what do you want to talk about?

All right, I have not decided what to do about Stan.

I mean, how can I just forget all the time that we had together?

And then how can I forget the pain and the hatred that I felt when he left me?

I... I can never trust him again.

If you can't trust your husband, what kind of a relationship can it be?

Sounds like you've already made up your mind.

I guess I have. Yeah, I just didn't know it until just now.

Oh, I wish there was some gentle way to tell him.

Take it from me, honey. There is no gentle way to end it with a man.

When you're gentle, they don't get the message.

Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy.

That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker.

He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him.

You see, when Charlie went off to w*r, I went to work for our local USO club.

And that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.

He was a blue midget?

Don't be ridiculous.
He was a diving midget.

That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punch bowl.

So, uh... what happened?

Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out.

I mean, what happened between you and Eddie?

We talked a lot between shows and of course I didn't realize it,

- but he was falling for me.
- Didn't have far to fall.

- It started with little things.
- I'll bet.

Pretty soon the situation got out of control and I tried to let him down gently.

You tried to make it short and sweet?

He just wouldn't take no for an answer.

So I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me.
It had nothing to do with his size.

It was simply that I could never become involved with anybody in show business.

Thank you, Rose.
I don't know what to say.

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

(knock at the door

- Hi.
- Hello, Stan.

Come on in.
I ordered up some refreshments.

- Oh.
- After all, this calls for a celebration.

Oh, what are we celebrating?

The fact that you got free champagne with your room?

We are celebrating what you said on the phone.

Oh, what did I say?

You said, "Stanley, Stanley, could I come to your hotel room? I have to see you."

Mmm, no, that's not what I said.

I said, "Stanley, Stanley, could I come to your hotel room? I have to see you."

Exactly.

Here you go, Dorothy.
How about a toast?

Look, slow down, Stan.
There are a couple of things I'd like to say.

OK, but usually the man makes the toast.

- Uh... Stanley, I...
- (knock at door

That must be my socks and underwear coming back from the laundry.

That is one of the biggest drawbacks of being without a wife.

Chrissy?

Chrissy!

I had to talk to you, Big Stan.
Why didn't you return my phone calls?

I... There's nothing to talk about, Chrissy.

Big Stan?

- Who's she?
- Oh, sorry.

This is my ex-wife, Dorothy.

Dorothy, this is my soon-to-be ex-wife, Chrissy.

Hi.
I want you back, Stick Man.

I need you back. I was so wrong to think I'd be happier with Jean Paul.

I realize that now.

I can't spend another night without you in that big, empty, Ionely, solar-heated waterbed.

No need to say a word.
I understand. Here you go, honey.

Dorothy, wait.
Chrissy, there is nothing to discuss.

Oh, but Stick Man...

I mean, the girl flew all the way from Maui.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm a stewardess. I fly for free.

I know, but the thought should count for something.

Chrissy, something happened here in Miami.

- Something that changed the way I feel.
- Listen...

- You know, before you...
- Don't be embarrassed.

Chrissy deserves to hear the truth.

It's all over between us, Chrissy.
This is the woman I love.

Seeing Dorothy again made me realize how superficial my relationship with you really was.

Sure, the sex was great.
Terrific, actually.

But it's OK with Dorothy, too.

And with Dorothy, there is so much more.
I'm sorry, Chrissy.

There's nothing left for us.

The fact is, there wasn't that much there to begin with.

She never could hold her liquor.

Uh... Stan, did you really mean what you said about there not being that much between you and Chrissy?

That's right.

I'm glad, because now I don't feel so guilty.

- What are you talking about?
- Stanley...

I don't feel the same way about us as you do.

- You're kidding!
- No.

You know, what happened the other night brought back lovely memories, but I'm not the same woman you walked out on two years ago.

My whole life has changed and quite frankly, I like the way it is.

- The fact that I'm on my own now...
- My God, Dorothy.

Are you saying you won't take me back?

We could never have things the way we used to have, Stan. You see...

You're telling me that you're not gonna take me back?

Yes, Stanley, that's right.

Let me get this straight, you're definitely not gonna take me back?

Look, Stanley, I'm sorry...

Dorothy, I'd like to hear the rest of this, but I've got to get down to the lobby and grab Chrissy before somebody else does.

Hey, terrific sex is better than nothing.

Here's to terrific sex.

And the dumb blonde who's not gonna get any.