01x12 - The Custody Battle

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

- Ma, will you knock it off?
- What?

"What?" We've been washing glasses for ten minutes. We've finished three.

What's the rush?
It's not like you have a date tonight.

- Ma.
- It's not like you have a date any night.

Or any day.

When I find somebody worth going out with, I'll go out with him.

- Now, will you please stop nagging me?
- Nagging?

Is that what it's called when a mother wants a little happiness for her daughter?

I'd like to finish these glasses before Gloria gets here.

- Your sister's not coming till tomorrow.
- I know.

Could I borrow your diamond ring and your pearl necklace and your jade bracelet?

Are you planning to come back?

- Some time tomorrow morning.
- Where are you going?

Out to dinner with Jason, the director of our community theater.

He's considering me for the role of Lady Macbeth in Mr. William Shakespeare's masterpiece Macbeth.

I feel sure after our date, he'll make a decision in my favor.

Come on now, Blanche, you're not just using this guy to get a part in a play.

'Course not, Dorothy. I'm gonna let him use me to get a part in a play.

Blanche, Blanche, does he have a friend for Dorothy?

- Oh.
- We know this is last minute.

So we'll take short, bald, fat.

I'm sorry, Sophia, but I've already palmed Rose off on his fat friend.

He's a lighting director.

Blanche, I've never been out with a fat lighting director. What'll we talk about?

How should I know, honey?
Talk about light bulbs.

That's a good idea.

Maybe he could explain to me how the three-way bulb works.

I've always wondered about that.

I've always wondered about the same thing, Rose.

That, and what Jane Pauley looks like standing up.

Maybe she can't stand up. Maybe Willard has to carry her around the set.

Come on, honey.
We don't want to keep our dates waiting.

Wait, Blanche, honey, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, no, I never wear underwear.

- I mean my jewelry.
- Oh, forget it. Why paint the peacock?

Your sister never sits home on a Friday night and she's a widow!

Every time I talk to her, she's going out with another guy.

- Ma, she calls you three times a year!
- She's very busy.

I'm thrilled she found the time for a visit.

Ma, why do you always make excuses for her?

I don't make excuses for any of my children. Except Phil.

Ma, I think I'll watch TV in my room.

Before you go, before you go, call this number.

- What is it?
- A phone number.

I met him at the supermarket.
He asked me to squeeze a melon for him.

He's missing a few fingers, but everything else seemed to be intact.

- Ma, how dare you?
- How dare I what? I was trying to help!

Ma, can you get it through your head that I do not need your help?

Now please, Ma, get off my back!

Who do you think you're talking to?

Don't you raise your voice to your mother!

Then stop smothering me and give me some space!

Space? Fine!
Have all the space you want!

- Where are you going?
- To Mildred's!

She's shorter than you.
She doesn't need so much space!

I can't understand why the community theater chose Macbeth for its spring production.

Jason said that they were planning to do a musical but the accordion player d*ed.

Besides, it's a much bigger challenge playing Lady Macbeth!

But Blanche, you don't have the part yet. You still have to audition.

Oh, honey, I did.
Last night.

I opened to great reviews.

- Morning, everyone.
- Clear out, girls, Dorothy needs her space.

Ma, don't start with me.

Now come on, you two, let's put on our happy faces.

It's a beautiful day and Gloria's coming!
Why don't you just kiss and make up?

Why don't you just blow it out your ditty bag.

- (doorbell
- I'll get it.

- I'll get it!
- Ma, I said I'd get it.

- I don't want you to get it!
- Let's not argue. You get it.

What am I, your servant?

- Hi, Ma!
- Gloria!

So good to see you! Dorothy, it's wonderful to see you!

- Honey.
- What is this?

You gift-wrapped your luggage?

Of course not, Ma. My luggage is at the hotel. Those are gifts.

- You're staying at a hotel?
- I didn't want to inconvenience anyone.

What inconvenience? You're my daughter.
We shared a body for nine months.

Really, Ma, I'd be more comfortable at a hotel.

Fine. Be more comfortable.

I hardly see you.
You never come to visit.

You finally get here, you're staying at a hotel. You could have just called.

- Ma, do you want me to stay at the house?
- Do what you want.

Why don't you stay here?
You can share my room.

- It's certainly easier than arguing with her.
- Right.

I'd like you to meet my two dearest friends. This is Rose.

- Hello.
- This is Blanche.

- Hello.
- My sister, Gloria.

- Welcome to Miami.
- Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, Gloria, Sophia's told us so much about you.

I especially enjoyed the story about your imaginary childhood friend, David, who lived in the oven.

I had an imaginary friend, but he'd never tell me his name.

- It was during spring planting...
- Rose! Do you mind?

Gloria's only staying for a week.
I'd like to talk to her before she leaves.

Come on, honey.
Let's get to that audition.

- Gloria, consider this your home.
- Thank you. Nice meeting you both.

- I'll tell you about it later.
- Let's go in the kitchen.

- I'll fix us some coffee.
- No, no, wait, wait. First, open these.

Now, there is a new outfit for you and some warm pajamas and an electric blanket. Every time I call you, it seems you have a cold!

- Call more often!
- Don't pick on your sister.

Here, she brought you something.

It's a gift certificate for a complete makeover at Elizabeth Arden's.

Maybe now you can get a date.

Please, Ma.
I'm not calling Captain Hook.

I am going to freshen up and call my driver.

Then I'm taking you for lunch and a shopping spree, Ma.

- That Gloria's some special kid!
- Oh, Ma, she's your baby.

All mothers think their babies are special.

That's ridiculous.
I think all my children are special.

Except Phil.

Sure, Ma.

Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?

- Sure, what is it?
- Don't expect a miracle.

- Hi! How was the audition?
- Wonderful!

I'm % sure I got the part!

There were so many good people there!

Trust me, I got this part in the sack!

- She means in the bag.
- No, honey, she means in the sack.

- Where's Sophia?
- She and Gloria went shopping.

- They haven't come back yet.
- Gloria seems like a lovely person.

She is a lovely person.
And she's sophisticated and worldly and wealthy and has never had a pimple in her life.

- Do I detect a little sibling rivalry?
- Oh, I don't know.

I guess I've just always had the feeling that my parents liked Gloria better than they liked me.

I know for a fact my parents liked my sisters better than they did me.

Oh, Blanche, that's silly!
How could you know a thing like that!

They told me!

Oh, Blanche, I can't believe that your parents told you that!

I don't care if they are from the south.

They didn't tell me in words.
They told me in actions.

Like on our birthdays.
When we were little, every year, my sisters had huge parties with clowns and magicians and tons of presents.

- And you didn't.
- Well, not exactly.

I did have parties and I had presents but I never had a clown.

- Not until I was much older.
...much older.

Yeah.
But that's another story.

My parents always made each of us feel like we were the favorite.

They loved all nine of us equally.
We used to have the best Christmas Eves.

Daddy'd sit at Grandma's old player piano and he'd play Christmas carols and the children would sing along, then Mother'd bring in some homemade eggnog and snickerdoodles.

And then we'd decorate the tree.

And after Daddy'd hung the star at the very top of the tree, we'd all join hands and pray, and then Daddy'd tell us a story and...

- tuck us into our feather beds...
- Who was your father? Michael Landon?

Can I help it if I came from a happy family?

Well, we had our share of problems.
Believe me, we had some hard times.

Once a mysterious drifter stole our butter churn.

Well, I guess Ma and Gloria aren't coming back for dinner.

What say we go out and grab a hamburger?

Oh, sounds good to me.

This reminds me of when Daddy used to take us for hamburgers on Saturday night.

We'd grab our dog Binky, and we'd pile into the...

I hope you're not mad at me for keeping Ma out so late.

Of course not.
Did the two of you have a good time?

Ah, wonderful. I like being with Ma.
I want to spend more time with her.

- And I'd like us to get closer, too.
- I wish there was more time.

I mean, I see you just packed for the weekend.

Dorothy.
You don't resent me, do you?

Don't be silly! Why would I resent you?
Oh, please!

- For having money?
- No, I don't resent you.

Oh, I did, a great deal, as a matter of fact, but I've outgrown it.

Even though my marriage was happy and yours hit the rocks?

Well, that bothered me for awhile,but I got over it.

Even though all my children are practicing professionals and yours aren't?

Please, Gloria, I'm happy for your children!
All except Katherine.

No, she really should've taken the nose job instead of the Mustang for graduation.

This reminds me of when we were little, and you used to tell me bedtime stories.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
"The Bogeyman and the Little Girl,"

"The Zombie in the Hamper," "Cannibal Parents."

I think between the ages of five and seven you might've gotten... two hours sleep.

Why don't you ever come to California to visit me?

Well, it's not easy, you know.
I have my job, I have responsibilities, I've never been invited.

Well, I'm inviting you now.

I have a huge house with servants and an ocean view.

And Bert Convy shops in my grocery store.

Bert Convy? Let's leave now!

I was telling Ma about it, you know.

How great the weather is and how she would never have to lift a finger for anything and she really liked the idea of maybe coming out.

It would be great if she were to come out for a visit sometime.

Well, I was thinking of more than just a visit, Dorothy.

I was thinking of a permanent arrangement.

- What do you mean?
- I want Ma to come live with me.

So I asked her to and she said yes.

- Hi, Ma. What are you doing?
- Having a toga party.

- I'll talk to you when you're not busy.
- I'm not busy, but do what you have to.

Gloria tells me you're gonna go live with her.

That's right.
I think it's best.

- Isn't that kind of a fast decision?
- Why, you think I'm making a mistake?

Oh, no, of course not.
I mean, you know, not if you think it's best.

What do you think?

Well, I can understand why you'd want to live with her.

She can give you so much more than I can.

You'd live in a mansion, you'd have servants, you'd do your grocery shopping with Bert Convy.

And you'll have your space.
And you can sit home on Friday night and become an old maid like your Aunt Regina and you won't have to listen to me nag.

Then I guess it's all settled.

- I guess so.
- Well, I'd better get to work.

- Ma?
- Yeah?

If you need any help moving, just let me know, OK?

I'll do that.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Blanche, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Goodness! I'd better sit down. Dorothy just said she had bad news.

Oh. Since you got here first, you go ahead and tell her first.

- You go ahead.
- No, really.

- I insist.
- You got here first.

Girls, please! Will one of you just say something so I can become hysterical, eat a box of Mallomars and get it over with?

OK. Jason called.
You got a part in Macbeth. but I'm afraid it isn't the part you were hoping for.

What part did I get?

Witch number three.

A witch?
He cast me as a witch?

Well, who got Lady Macbeth?
Don't tell me!

Probably one of those little theater groupies with a mattress strapped to her back.

No, it isn't.

It's me.

Oh! You're pulling my leg!

- He picked you over me?
- Listen, I hate having to...

Hold on, Dorothy.

This is a joke, isn't it?
He didn't really pick you over me.

Oh, Blanche, I didn't even want the part, but Jason said I have presence.

- Listen, I really have to go to work...
- He actually picked you over me?

I do not believe this!
I have been had.

I know.

And you still didn't get the part.

All right, Dorothy. I'm ready.
Now tell me your bad news.

My mother is leaving. She's going to move in with my sister, Gloria.

- You're kidding.
- Sophia can't leave!

- She just can't!
- She's a grown woman.

- She can do anything she wants.
- Why's she leaving? Isn't she happy here?

I guess she thinks she'll be happier with Gloria.

Well, what about us?

Who's going to keep after us and make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?

I don't know, Rose.
Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

- Dorothy, do you want her to go?
- Of course not!

- It's breaking my heart!
- I am not gonna let her go without a fight!

Me neither!
Sophia's like a mother to us all!

- It just wouldn't be the same without her!
- But if she wants to live with Gloria, she has every right to do it.

And we have no right to make her feel guilty about it. Now I really have to go.

Oh, what a terrible morning this is!
Sophia's leaving!

And I'm playing an ugly old witch 'cause you stole my part!

Oh, Blanche, I know how much that part means to you.

You know what I was thinking?
You could go on for me one night.

Well, Rose, isn't that sweet? And I do love you for it, honey, but I just couldn't.

I could never fit this trim little body into that big old tent of a dress they're gonna have to make for you.

Does your luggage have to sit in the middle of the room?

No, it could also roll over and play dead.

- Something bothering you?
- 'Course not. What makes you say that?

- Do you want to talk about it?
- No.

Yes. You come here with your limo and your presents and your designer luggage and you think you're better than everybody else.

You have everything!
Do you have to have Ma, too?

I mean, all these years you've been her favorite. All I wanted was this time with her.

Dorothy, you are crazy. You're Ma's favorite - you always have been!

Come on! You're the one who always got all the attention.

Sure, I got attention!
But only because you were the strongest, the smartest, and you could take care of yourself, which Ma constantly pointed out in English and Italian.

Ma said this about me?

Think back, Dorothy. When we were kids and Ma and Pop were working,

- who did Ma always leave in charge?
- Me.

- Right. And do you know why?
- Yeah, because Phil played with matches.

No, because Ma trusted you with responsibility.

In her eyes, I could never be as good as you!

Ma looked at you and saw a wonderful future.

She looked at me and hoped I would marry rich.

Which I did. Very rich.

- Why didn't she ever say any of this?
- She did.

Who does she turn to whenever she's in trouble, hm?

Who did she come to live with?
Her favorite - you.

Oh, come on, Gloria.
That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Dorothy, even with all my money, you have so much more than I do.

You have Ma and your friends and your work and...

Your life just seems so much more important than mine.

And I wanted to take a little bit back with me.

- It's not what Ma wants.
- You think she wants to stay?

I know she wants to stay.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, sure. I've got all I need.

And you also have a sister who loves you.

And Pop's nose.

Ma, you're not leaving.

You're staying here with Rose and Blanche and me.

Hey, if I want to leave, I'll leave.
I'm free, single, and !

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
You're staying!

I should have known you couldn't make it without me.

You're right. I can't.

And neither can Blanche and neither can Rose.

Of course not, Rose! The woman can hardly find her way to work!

- Then you'll stay?
- Not so fast.

You're gonna have to make a few changes around here first.

What kind of changes?

Like you can't hang around me all the time.

You need your space - I need mine. OK?

OK, Ma.

So maybe I'll stick around and look after you Three Stooges.

Come!

Oh, Gloria. I just made a very important decision I think you should know about.

What is it, Ma?

I decided to stay here in Miami.

I had to, she begged.
It was pathetic!

It's OK, Ma. I understand.

You're a good daughter, Gloria.
You're both good daughters.

Most people my age have children trying to get rid of them.

My children are fighting over who gets to keep me.

You don't know how much that means to an old lady.

Honey, you don't know how much you mean to us.

And I love you.
I love all my children.

- Even Phil?
- Sure, but don't tell him.

He'll want to borrow money.

- Hi, girls.
- Oh, hi. How was dinner?

Great. I ate a lot, Ma drank a lot,
Gloria paid a lot.

I'm so glad the three of you got things worked out,

- and that Sophia's not leaving.
- Oh, me too.

That spunky little lady sure does add life to this place!

Oh, and the stories she tells.

And there's always a little gem of wisdom hidden deep, deep, deep inside.

Listen, when I thought I was moving, I was gonna give each one of you a gift,

- but I want you to have them anyway.
- Why, Sophia, how sweet!

- Oh, honey, you shouldn't have!
- Oh, Ma, this is so lovely.

And so familiar.

This is mine.

- I thought the cleaner lost it.
- I told you the cleaner lost it.

I took it - I needed something to go with my black sweater.

This is my black sweater.

- I know, it goes great with...
- My pearls.

Well, enjoy and be healthy!

I wonder if she's seen my umbrella with the duck handle.

You know, I haven't been able to find my ankle bracelet.

Come on, I think it's time to search her room again.