01x20 - Adult Education

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for bein' a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for bein' a friend"

I don't want to miss my appointment at the beauty parlor.

In a minute.

Dorothy's been trying to get through to the box office for minutes.

I can't be late.

The last time I was late, Ronald gave me the broken hair dryer.

I came out looking like Don King.

Ma, please.

All my life I've wanted to see Frank Sinatra in concert.

I'm not getting off this phone until I get tickets.

What are you talking about?

I took you and Gloria to see him at the Paramount Theatre.

I'll never forget it.

From the second he stepped out on the stage,

- I don't know, something happened.

- You fainted.

That's what happened.

I spent the rest of the evening in the ladies' room, trying to revive you.

Wasn't until a couple of years later that I got another chance to see Sinatra.

Stan bought tickets for my birthday.

But two weeks before the concert, he asked me for a divorce.

I got the house and the kids.

He got the tickets.

Don't think I didn't put up a fight!

Oh, girls, I have terrible news.

I failed my psychology exam.

I'm just beside myself.

Oh, Blanche, look on the bright side.

It's just one test.

Yeah, but this is my midterm.

I could fail the whole course.

If I fail this course, I won't get my degree, and if I don't get my degree, the museum won't even consider me for that promotion.

Oh, I guess there's no bright side.

Calm down.

You're gonna pass the course.

You're gonna have to buckle down and study a little harder.

At least you're doing well in your other two courses.

But those are art courses.

They come easier to me.

I've always had a great appreciation for the arts and artists.

And carpenters and mechanics and delivery boys.

Yes?

Yes, yes, yes, I'm still here.

Yeah, I'm calling about the Sinatra concert.

It's what?

What, you've kept me on hold all this time to tell me that it is sold out?

No, no, I will not have a nice day!

Oh, darn!

I was really counting on that concert.

Now what'll we do?

Don't worry.

I'll make some calls.

I got connections.

I'll handle it.

I'm gonna call a couple of ticket brokers.

Fine, big sh*t.

Handle it.

See how far you get.

I just remembered, I know somebody in show business who can help us.

My best friend in St.

Olaf has a nephew who's a page at NBC in Hollywood.

I'll write to her and ask her to write to him.

Honey, won't that take an awful long time?

Oh, I don't mind.

I'm a very patient person.

I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away.

Every night, I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller.

And one morning, I woke up and it was gone.

Ma, you OK?

I'm fine.

I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Whose theory states...

"A young man becomes intimate with his mother to get revenge on his father"?

Well, I don't know who said it, but my second cousin Arlen did it.

I think we'd better try another question.

I am exhausted!

I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today.

They all told me the only way I'm gonna get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Oh, you can't buy from a scalper.

That's a crime.

So is eating grapes at the supermarket, but you do that all the time.

- I have to test them.

- Rose, one is testing, is brunch.

Good lord, I'm a criminal.

Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.

Tomorrow I am going to a scalper and I'm going to buy four tickets.

You'd better make that three.

My final exam is that night.

- Honey, that's too bad.

- Oh, what difference does it make?

My social life's gone down the drain anyway.

All I ever do is study.

You know, it cannot be good for you.

It's unnatural, it's unhealthy, it's unlike me.

No wonder I can't concentrate.

I need a break.

I need a change of scenery.

I need to hit Wally's Bar for Ladies' Night.

I'll see you all later.

Don't you girls wait up.

Hold it, Blanche.

I don't think you should go anywhere till you finish your homework.

Oh, I'll just be gone a few hours.

You get right back here and hit those books.

If you want a diploma, you have to apply yourself.

Do you think Bob Hope got all those degrees without studying?

Rose, let me handle this.

Listen, Blanche, nobody said that going back to school would be easy.

Easy?

It's impossible.

I cannot pass that course.

I just can't do it.

Listen, honey, if you're having such a problem, maybe you should talk to your teacher.

I can't do that.

I'd be too embarrassed.

- But that's what teachers are there for.

- I know exactly how she feels.

I used to be scared of my teachers, too.

- Get out of here.

- No, it's true, it's true.

Elementary school was a nightmare.

I was afraid to talk in class.

- Why?

- Well, I had a slight speech impediment.

It's different for kids these days, you know.

They have Barbara Walters to look up to.

Yeah, but in those days, it really stood out, you know.

Oh, I don't know, it must have taken three months before I could muster up the courage, you know, to talk to Mrs.

Lenoff.

And it turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done, 'cause not only did she help me, you know, with the speech problem, she was the one who inspired me to go into the teaching profession.

You know what?

I think tomorrow after class I will talk to Professor Cooper.

Good girl.

What ever happened to your teacher Mrs.

Lenoff?

Oh, gosh.

Last I heard, she retired from teaching, opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Wode Island.

Rhode Island.

- Professor Cooper?

- Yes?

What can I do for you?

If I might have a minute of your time.

'Course, if now's not convenient, I can...

No, no, please, please, sit.

I'm all ears.

Don't sell yourself short.

I don't believe we've been formally introduced.

I'm Blanche Deveraux.

- Yes, I know.

- You do?

- Mm-hm.

Of course.

- Oh, I'm flattered.

You're the only student who failed my midterm exam.

Oh.

What was it you wanted to see me about?

Professor Cooper, I suppose you are aware that I'm having the teensiest bit of trouble in your course, and to be frank, passing this course is very important to me.

So I was wondering if maybe you could give me a little help.

Oh, I see.

Well, Blanche, considering that you flunked the midterm, you'll need an A on the final exam to even pass my class, and the odds on that seem pretty slim.

But you see, I have to have these credits to get my degree.

Well, it's gonna take a lot of hard work on your part.

- You mean, like extra credit?

- Well, you could say that.

That's fine.

I'm ready, willing, and able.

I'll do whatever I have to.

Oh, I like your attitude, Blanche.

This is my home phone number.

Now, if you really want that degree, you'll use it.

You catch my drift?

Oh.

Oh.

Here we are, Sophia.

The perfect after-dinner treat.

- A nice dish of Jell-O.

- I hate Jell-O.

If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

- What?

- b*at it, Rose.

I'm busy.

- What are you doing?

- It's Tuesday night.

I'm cleaning out my purse.

Did all that stuff come out of your purse?

No, I was also cleaning out my ears.

That's where the Feenamint and the rain bonnet came from.

Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

Forgive me, Rose, but I haven't had sex in years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

- So, big sh*t, did you get the tickets?

- Can't you say hello first?

Hello, big sh*t.

Did you get the tickets?

Look, Ma, don't start with me.

I've had a very rough day.

The only scalper I could find had funny things moving in his hair, and he wanted to bargain in a dark alley.

- What seats did you get?

- I didn't get any tickets.

- I didn't think it was exactly safe.

- I can't believe you were such a baby.

In Sicily, we did all our bargaining in dark alleys.

How do you think I ended up with your father?

If the tickets are that hard to get, maybe we just weren't meant to go.

Maybe you weren't, Rose, but two weeks from now, I intend to be sitting in front of Old Blue Eyes himself, live, in-person, middle-aged spread and all.

Dorothy, you can take off a few pounds by then if you put your mind to it.

Oh, girls, I am devastated, just devastated.

Honey, what happened?

I asked my teacher for help, like you all told me to.

He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

- No!

- Oh, yes.

I just don't know what to do.

Get it in writing.

Blanche, that is terrible.

I hope you told him off.

First I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say.

Then I marched back up to his desk and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, "I'll think it over.

" Blanche, there is nothing to think over.

What he did is sexual harassment.

He cannot get away with that.

I don't know if I can pass this course on my own.

Oh, Blanche, believe me, in the long run, you'll be so much happier if you use your brains instead of your body.

I don't know if I can.

When I was little, I was always overshadowed by my sisters.

They were all smarter and more talented than I was.

Then when I was , I discovered I had a talent, too, the talent to drive men crazy with a body that many said should have come with a warning label.

Blanche, please.

After a while, I learned I could use my looks to my advantage, so I did... regularly.

I've done it for so long now, I don't know if I can get by without it.

Well, maybe this is a good time to start.

Rose is right.

Listen, you're gonna get an A in that class.

We're gonna help you do it.

As far as that professor is concerned, you should report him immediately.

- You think I should?

- Absolutely.

When I first started teaching, the school principal pulled exactly the same thing on me.

- What did you do?

- I reported him to the Board of Education.

They investigated, and he was forced to resign.

'Course, much later, I found out that I was not the only person he had harassed.

I was, however, the only person he harassed while he was wearing a corset and high heels.

Well, at any rate, I spoke out, and because I did, a lot of other women didn't have to go through the same thing.

You know, you're right.

I have made up my mind.

I'm going to see the dean about Professor Cooper.

Very wise decision.

Nils Felander attempted to harass me repeatedly.

What do you mean, he attempted to?

He worked at Lars Erikson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop.

He was a soda jerk.

Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk.

Every Saturday afternoon, I'd go in and have a sundae.

Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way.

I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, - the evidence had...

- ... melted.

To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush.

Look, Coach, I want Leon off the team.

I don't care if he is ' " and weighs pounds.

The boy can't spell his own name unless he copies it off his jersey.

I'm not gonna tell him.

You tell him.

You're the coach.

(knock on door - Dean Tucker?

- Come in, come in.

Look, we'll talk about it later.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Problems, problems, problems.

My mother wanted me to be a priest, but no, I had to pursue the flashy world of academics.

- Oh, I'm...

Sit down, sit down.

- Thank you.

Dean Tucker, my name is Blanche Deveraux, and I have something extremely important to discuss with you.

Could this wait till next week?

I've only been dean here for a couple of days.

I haven't got a secretary, I can't get my parking validated.

I don't even know where the restroom is.

I was sexually harassed by Professor Cooper.

Oh, don't do this to me.

Please, I beg you.

Look...

We'll look into this first thing Monday morning.

- It can't wait.

- You're right.

We'll do something immediately.

We'II, uh, we'll fill out a form.

There must be one in here somewhere.

OK, Sexual Discrimination, Sexual Education...

Sexual Harassment.

OK, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.

Well, Lord, I can't ask you this.

I can't even ask my own wife this.

I'd like to.

Dean Tucker, what happened to me was really quite simple.

I'm not doing very well in Professor Cooper's class, so he offered to give me an A i- if I would...

Do number five?

Actually, number five, six, and seven-B.

Why, that's terrible!

Were there any witnesses?

- No.

- Oh.

Oh.

Well, that complicates things.

Why, don't you believe me?

It's not a question of whether or not I believe you.

It's just without substantial evidence, it's just your word against his, and a man's career is at stake!

Well, so is mine, not to mention my dignity.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'd like to help you.

But unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.

- But that's not fair!

- Miss Deveraux, life is not fair.

I should know.

I'm years old, and until today, I never even heard of B.

Well, I've known about it for some time, and as far as I'm concerned, you can go do it to yourself.

Oh, hello, Rose.

Blanche, you won't believe what happened to me today.

It was so exciting.

I've been waiting for somebody to come home so long, I thought I was gonna burst.

You won't believe what happened to me today in the dean's office.

I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard, listening to WREQ, the big band station.

I usually listen to WXDC, all talk radio, but this morning, a little voice told me to turn the dial, so I did, and I tuned in right in the middle of this contest.

They were looking for the th caller.

has always been my lucky number, so I pulled over and I got my change ready...

I always keep two dimes in the crook of the door handle for emergencies...

and by the time I got through, I was the th caller.

I won four tickets to the Frank Sinatra concert!

Rose Nylund, you get your bohonkus back in here and listen to what I have to say.

Blanche, I'm sorry.

What were you trying to tell me?

I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Three tickets to Old Blue Eyes.

It's finally going to happen.

- But, Dorothy...

- Rose, please.

I went down to the auditorium today and out front, I saw a kid scalping tickets to this woman.

So I figured this is my last chance.

I raced over, took her aside, explained to her how much I'd always wanted to see Sinatra.

And guess what?

She let me buy the tickets!

It was that easy, just 'cause you said how much you wanted to see Frank Sinatra?

Yeah, that and that I only had three weeks to live.

- Dorothy...

- These are desperate times, Rose.

Boy, I'll say.

Today, when I went to the dean's office...

I got tickets, too.

This is such a coincidence.

I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...

No!

No, no, no, please.

I cannot bear that again.

She was listening to her car radio...

big band, not all talk.

There was a contest.

Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle.

Then bim, bam, boom, she won the tickets.

Take a lesson, Rose.

That's how you tell a story.

Blanche, here we've been running on about the concert, and you haven't even had a chance to tell your story.

Go ahead.

Never mind.

I don't feel like it anymore.

Honey, come on, we're sorry.

We're listening now.

You have our complete attention.

All right.

- I went to see Dean Tucker today.

- So, big talker...

- did you get your mitts on any tickets yet?

- As a matter of fact, I did.

- Three tickets, rear orchestra.

- Three tickets, third row center.

- Ma, how in the world did you get these?

- Easy.

I called Frank.

I told you I had connections.

You know Frank Sinatra?

No, Frank Caravicci...

from the fish market.

He's always been good to me.

Never a bad piece of cod.

- He knows Frank.

- Sinatra?

No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner, Tina's third cousin once removed.

- Tina Tortoni?

- Tina Sinatra!

Ten tickets!

What are we gonna do with ten whole tickets?

I got it, I got it.

We'll go scalp them in front of the theater.

Oh, Rose.

After what we went through to get them, the least we can do is break even.

And believe me, whoever gets these tickets is gonna be very grateful.

- Now, what do you say?

- Oh, who cares what she has to say?

I have been trying for five minutes to tell you about my meeting with Dean Tucker, and all you two can do is go on about your silly concert.

Blanche, I'm sorry.

What can we do for you?

Nothing.

I've decided I have to do it myself.

Since the dean was no help whatever, I've decided the only one who can help me is me.

I'm going to show that Professor Cooper something.

Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have some tall studying to do.

Only first I think, as a reward for working so hard, I'll make myself an ice cream sundae.

Rose, I suggest you leave the room.

I may get a little crazy with the chopped nuts.

Pencils down.

- Well, where is everybody?

- Just you and me, Blanche.

Well, looks like we're finally at the crossroads.

Whatever do you mean?

I mean, I know you've been having trouble with this course, and I'd hate to see you have to repeat it.

Professor Cooper, I've been thinking about what you said, and I have no intention of repeating this course.

Good.

I'm glad you decided to take me up on my offer.

Oh, I'm declining your offer, but I do want to thank you.

- For what?

- Well, thanks to you, I studied all day and all night.

And whenever I felt like giving up, I would just think about what kind of man you really are, and I'd study even harder.

In fact, you made me so mad, I decided to get an A on this test come hell or high water, and I think I did.

I, sir, am a lady.

Maybe not the smartest lady in the world, but I do know that my self-respect is more important than passing your damn course.

So you, sir, can kiss my A.

Oh, thank goodness you're...

I have been worried sick!

Do you realize it's almost two in the morning?

I was about to call the police!

You should have.

That's who we were with.

- What?

What happened?

- Look, I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, well, all right, but somebody tell me before I die of suspense.

My brilliant daughter scalped the tickets to an undercover policeman.

Ma, get off my back, huh?

You're lucky I was with you.

You'd still be in the slammer if I hadn't faked that heart att*ck.

My life will be ruined if this ever gets home to St.

Olaf.

What'll they do, Rose?

Revoke your ice fishing license?

Take back your helmet with the horns?

I mean, I'm the injured party.

Obviously, I am destined to never see Frank Sinatra face to face.

They're called longenhodden.

What is called longenhodden?

The helmet with the horns.

- Why, for two...

- Wait!

Dorothy...

Girls!

Not one soul has asked me about my test.

Oh, Blanche, we forgot.

How did it go?

Well, I think I passed with flying colors.

But best of all, I told off that nasty old professor.

Honey, congratulations.

You're going to be a college graduate.

Oh, we're so proud of you.

Thank you, but I couldn't have done it without you girls.

Oh, now you can get that promotion at the museum.

Oh, no, didn't I tell you?

That position was filled.

Oh, you're kidding.

No, the museum director gave it to Sally Folgeson.

The money I spent on tuition, she spent on a tummy tuck and a butt lift.

Blanche, I hope you're not discouraged.

Oh, not one bit.

My time will come.

One day, her butt will turn to mush, but I'll always have my degree.