01x25 - The Way We Met

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

- Oh...

- Oh, Dorothy!

What do you mean sneaking up on me like that?

You scared me half to death!

I'm sorry, Rose.

Next time I walk into a dark room in the middle of the night, I'll send a mariachi band ahead of me.

What are you doing up?

- I thought I heard a strange noise.

- What kind of strange noise?

Like someone walking slowly up creaking stairs.

We don't have stairs.

I know!

How strange is that?

What are you doing?

Well, I thought I heard a prowler outside.

Oh, my God, Dorothy!

Why didn't you call the police?

Oh, no, no.

It turned out it was a neighbor's cat...

trying to mate with our plastic flamingo.

What is it?

I heard screams!

What's happening?

No, nothing.

Everything's fine, Blanche.

We never should have watched Psycho.

For years, I have avoided that picture, even when Stan invited me to the Roxy instead of over to his mother's house for dinner.

And it turned out that my instincts were right - Norman Bates is scarier than my mother-in-law.

And a much better dresser.

Oh, I never should have watched it, either.

It always upsets me - especially that shower scene.

Why, it's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.

Sure, Blanche.

And Goldilocks and the Three Bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.

- Well, at least we're not alone tonight.

- Oh, boy.

You know, there is nothing worse than being wide awake and scared and by yourself.

Oh, yes there is: being wide awake and scared and by yourself without a double-fudge chocolate cheesecake in the freezer.

Ah!

I'll get the silverware.

I feel better already.

You know, I never used to do anything like this with my old roommates.

You had roommates before us?

I never knew that.

Oh, yes.

Two very eccentric old ladies who used to bathe together and floss each other's teeth.

I kicked them out one morning, and that very afternoon went down to the supermarket to advertise for new ones.

That was when I first met Rose.

- Are you OK?

- Oh, I'm fine.

Oh, I know exactly what you're going through.

- I can read it in your face.

- You can?

Oh, sure.

Your husband or your boyfriend dumped you.

Oh, honey, don't let it get you down.

It's just the nature of the beast.

They'd do it in the mud if they had to.

You just go sleep with his best friend.

That'll even up the score.

Am I on Candid Camera?

- You mean, you didn't get dumped?

- Well, actually, I did by my landlord.

He threw me out of my apartment, but I couldn't sleep with his best friend.

He's over years old and thinks he's the Archduke Ferdinand.

Why did he throw you out?

Well, the new owners of the building don't allow cats, and I'm not about to part with Mr.

Peepers.

Oh, I guess you two have been through a lot together, huh?

Yes, I found him last week.

But I wouldn't feel right having a home if he didn't.

We've become very attached.

You know, I think that shows great strength of character.

I like you and I like cats.

I also happen to have a room for rent, and the name is Blanche Devereaux.

Why would you name a room Blanche Devereaux?

That's very good.

I like a roommate with a sense of humor.

My last two roommates were two old sticks-in-the mud from Minnesota.

Oh!

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, my name is Rose Nylund and I'm from Minnesota.

- Stop it, girl.

You're k*lling me.

- Oh, but I'm not a stick-in-the-mud.

Oh, listen, I can let my hair down and get crazy with the best of them.

Really?

Hey, I think we'd get along great.

- I got a feeling you're a wild woman.

- Oh, you bet I am.

I eat raw cookie dough.

And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap.

And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog.

- What's the matter?

- I think I'd better keep looking.

Oh, I'll stop eating raw cookie dough.

No, honey, that's not it.

It's just the two of us have nothing in common.

We're just two different kinds of people.

It wouldn't work out, believe me.

- Can I pet your cat, lady?

- Why, sure, sweetheart.

- What's his name?

- Mr. Peepers.

I had a cat just like him.

His name was Harpo.

But he d*ed.

I miss him.

Oh, well, you'll have to get yourself another kitty.

Would your mommy let you have another kitty?

Yeah, she said she would get me one next week.

Well, if you'll promise to give him a really, really good home, - I'll let you have Mr. Peepers.

- Great!

- Would it be OK if I call him Harpo?

- Well, I don't think he'd mind.

- Thanks a lot, lady.

- Yeah, there you go sweetheart.

Mom!

Say, Rose...

Look, now, I'm not making any promises, but how would you like to take a look at that Blanche Devereaux room?

Really?

I'd love to.

- Come on, let's go.

- By the way, what's your name?

That last remark was the reason I didn't let you move in that same day.

But after I saw what I had to choose from, you seemed like a gift from heaven.

You wouldn't believe some of the people I interviewed.

Well, I think that about completes our tour, Madame Zelda.

Anything else I can tell you about the place?

Yes.

Was a young woman in a nurse's uniform m*rder*d in this house with a handsaw?

Heavens, no!

Are you sure?

I'm getting a very strong vibration.

I see a woman in a white uniform, writhing and screaming.

And there's a man kneeling over her.

If it was last Wednesday, that was me and the gentleman I'm currently dating, but that was a French maid's uniform.

(doorbell)

Mrs. Devereaux, you must leave this house at once.

It's possessed by an evil spirit.

Actually, it's possessed by Miami Federal.

And at seven percent, you couldn't blast me out of here.

- Yes?

- Are you Blanche Devereaux?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

This is my mother Sophia Petrillo.

Remember we spoke on the phone about sharing the house?

Yes.

Come in, uh-huh.

Move in this house and you'll die an agonizing death.

Thank you, Madame Zelda.

Goodbye.

Oh, ladies, I'm sorry about that.

You get so many weirdoes when you run an ad in the newspapers.

Please sit down.

Well, are you ladies considering taking both rooms?

Oh, no.

Just me.

Mother lives at the Shady Pines Retirement Home.

Oh, the Shady Pines.

I know the Shady Pines: it's a lovely place.

It's a prison.

They lock us in our rooms and force us to look like we're having fun.

Then they take pictures for their brochure.

Ma, you know that's not true.

You'll have to excuse my mother - she recently had a stroke, and her perception is a little, you know, distorted.

- Oh, I understand.

- No, you don't.

Why don't we start out with a tour of the house and later on we'll sit down and go over that application you filled out.

Wonderful.

Oh, your house is just breathtaking.

I know.

You said it looked like a dump from the outside.

This is the lanai.

It is wonderful in the summertime.

Especially if you like to sunbathe with your top off.

Oh, really, really?

And the neighbors can't see in.

Oh, sure they can.

The woman has "slut" embroidered on her underwear.

Dear things, I'm afraid I'm running a little late.

- May I just ask you a few questions?

- Well, of course.

Go right ahead.

What do you call an inhabitant of Guam?

I don't know.

A Guamanian, I guess.

What does this have to do with renting the room?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted to finish my crossword puzzle.

Now, then, Dorothy, would you say you are a very neat person?

Oh, yes.

Very, very neat.

Please.

You're neat and I wear a D cup.

At that moment.

I was convinced I'd blown it.

I was sure I'd made a bad first impression.

But then I met Rose. and I realized I could have shown up naked.

playing a ukulele and still gotten the room.

Oh, it's been such a lovely day.

Mr. Sunshine really gave us one of his biggest and brightest smiles.

Oh, I feel like putting my arms around Mother Nature and giving her a big kiss.

- Hi, you must be Dorothy.

- And you must be Mrs. Rogers.

No, but we have a Mrs. Rogers at the Grief Center.

Oh, and there's a Mrs. Rogers lives across the street.

Then of course, there's Dale Evans, the most famous Mrs. Rogers of them all.

I didn't catch your name.

I'm Rose Nylund, your new roomie.

Blanche has told me all about you.

Sorry your husband dumped you.

You can borrow my bubble bath anytime you want.

That'll help ease the lonely nights.

Thank you very much.

I see you two are getting acquainted.

Yes, I'm just gonna take my stuff to my room.

It's the second on the left down the hall there?

Dorothy, the second on the left is mine.

Blanche had promised it to me.

Blanche promised it to me too.

Didn't you, Blanche?

Whoops.

Oh, great, great.

What are we supposed to do now?

Back in Minnesota, we'd settle this kind of a dispute with some good-natured logrolling.

Sorry, Rose.

My log is in the shop.

What do we do now?

Toss a coin?

- OK.

- All right.

- I'll take tails.

- OK.

Tails, you win.

I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise.

Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya. " Rose, I don't know what to say.

Yes, I do.

Don't ever do that.

Well, Rose, what do you say we help Dorothy move her things, OK?

OK.

Gee, this is fun already, being roomies with you two.

- Oh!

- Oh, Blanche!

Blanche, I am so sorry.

Oh, I'll buy you another one.

Well, you can't.

That was one of a kind.

Oh, well, don't feel bad.

I never really liked it much anyway.

It's just that my grandmother gave this to me.

On her deathbed.

She was very, very sick for a very, very long time.

I loved her very, very much.

Blanche, why don't you just grind the broken pieces in her hand?

Blanche, I know I can't replace it, but I wanna make it up to you.

Listen, since this is our first night as roommates, I'd like to invite the two of you to dinner at my favorite restaurant.

- Well, that's very sweet of you, Rose.

- Well, thank you, Rose.

Then we'd better hurry, 'cause the Strawberry Blizzard Special at the Dairy Queen only lasts till five.

- Come on, I'll drive.

- Oh, let's not drive.

Let's skip there.

Oh, my goodness, It's : in the morning.

- And I am still wide awake.

- Me too.

You know, before I met you two girls, I was never up this late.

Except, of course, during the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

- Of course.

- I was never a night person, either.

Until I blossomed into young womanhood and realized I was even more devastating by moonlight.

Of course.

I will never forget the night I made that discovery.

It was during the spring cotillion.

I was wearing a long white dress and my first push-up bra.

And Bobby Buck McAIlister and I were enjoying a glass of punch out on the veranda, when a beam of moonlight hit my cleavage.

Suddenly, the band began to play.

It was at that moment I realized my bosoms had the power to make music.

Didn't Bette Midler win a special Grammy for that?

Oh, girls.

Isn't it wonderful how we always have such a good time together?

- It's been that way right from the start.

- Please, Rose.

Don't you remember the day after we moved in when we went shopping together?

Walking by that sausage case back there really brought back a lot of memories.

Sausage opens a floodgate for many of us, Rose.

- What's this, Blanche?

- Smoked oysters.

Oh, come on.

Now, I know we said we'd go in on everything equally, but this is four dollars a can.

Well, we have to have these.

They're absolutely essential.

Well, if you ever have a date with a man who's a little sluggish...

a tin of these and a bottle of cold duck, you'll be prying him off the wall.

- Those are very nice cantaloupes.

- Why, thank you.

- This one's ripe.

- And how do you tell, Dorothy?

Well, you smell the tip of it.

It's an old Sicilian method my mother taught me.

Oh, Dorothy, dear.

The best way to tell if a melon is ripe is Southern.

You thump it.

Well, actually, roomies, I have the best method - the farm method.

- It works every time.

- And what might that be, Rose, dear?

No.

Mm-mm.

Better.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

We need a Globe and a Tattler and a Midnight Star and an Enquirer and I guess maybe one serious newsmagazine so we know what's going on in the world - one People.

Excuse me, you made a mistake.

Those peaches aren't cents a pound: they're cents.

Honesty is the best policy.

What are you trying to do, Rose?

Qualify for some kind of scout badge?

Well, I can't help it if I'm an honest person.

Obviously, something you don't know anything about.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, you bought pantyhose in petite.

Anybody can see you couldn't get those past your knees.

If you don't keep your voice down, I'm gonna hit you in the head with this loin of pork.

Oh, Blanche, come on!

$ . ?

Now, this is just too extravagant.

I'm not going in on this.

I don't even like loin of pork.

All right, then I'm not going in on this nightstick.

- This is a pepperoni.

- It's obnoxious.

Excuse me.

You made a mistake.

That Windex isn't on sale this week - the regular price is $ . .

Rose, why don't you just save it for The Price is Right?

Excuse me for trying to be a good American.

Will you two please keep your voices down?

I have shopped and dated extensively throughout this market.

That does it, that does it!

I am shopping for myself.

Fine!

Blanche and I will do very nicely on our own.

Oh, no, I'm not shopping with you, Mary Poppins.

Fine!

All right, who put the Raisin Bran in the refrigerator?

- I did.

Do you have a problem with that?

- Yes, I do.

I have two problems with it.

First of all, there isn't room for it in there and second of all, it doesn't go in the refrigerator- it goes in the cabinet.

It does not go in the cabinet.

It stays fresher in the refrigerator.

No, it does not stay fresher in the refrigerator.

If it stayed fresher in the refrigerator, there would be a sign on it saying "refrigerate. " Actually, you're both wrong.

It does not belong in a refrigerator.

It does not belong in a cabinet.

It belongs in a glass canister.

That way, it's not only visually appealing, but you can see if they cheated you out of raisins.

I thought everybody knew that.

You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talk back to their Rice Krispies.

All right, I have had it!

Thanks to all this constant bickering, I now have a splitting headache.

Oh, girls, let's face facts.

The three of us just can't agree on anything.

I mean, it is obvious we were not meant to live together.

I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right.

I think so too.

In fact, I know so.

This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring w*r.

The Great Herring w*r?

Yes.

Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.

Oh, that Great Herring w*r!

The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together.

Oh, boy, was that a mistake.

You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.

Oh, well, that's understandable.

I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.

Exactly.

The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.

Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?

Oh, not that kind of circus.

A herring circus.

Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller.

Much, much smaller.

But bigger than a flea circus.

Tell me, Rose, um...

did they ever sh**t a herring out of a cannon?

Only once.

But they sh*t him into a tree.

After that, no other herring would do it.

You're making this up!

I am not!

My grandfather told me that story.

Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name.

And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.

Ohh...

Ahh!

Oh, girls, girls, do you realize what just happened?

Well, I know I've been having a very good time, and there wasn't even a man in the room.

Do you think it was just a fluke, or do you think we could learn to like each other?

Well, I think it might take time, but I think it could be worth it.

- Let's give it a sh*t.

- Great!

- I'm game.

- OK.

Wait a minute.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know it's awful, but I have this incredible sweet tooth.

- What is it?

- Cheesecake.

- What kind?

- Chocolate.

Oh, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I guess some things never change.

They sure don't.

We've almost finished the entire cheesecake.

Oh, what the hell.

It was a special occasion.

Yeah, and it sure took my mind off of Psycho.

Listen, these can wait till morning.

Let's go to bed.

OK.

Ma, that is not funny!

Are you kidding?

It's a riot!

I pulled it once on old man Peterson, after we had saw Psycho at the home.

They had said he would never walk again.

He walked.

Well, good night.

Sweet dreams!

Well...

I think I'll have just one more cup of tea.

Yeah, and we can finish the cheesecake.

Sounds good.

You know what would go so good on this cheesecake is those chocolate sprinkles.

- We finished those an hour ago.

- We could crush some Oreos on top.

We ran out of those two hours ago.

- How about some whip cream?

- Mm!

I think we still have a can.

I'll get it - it's in my bedroom.

Never mind, Blanche.