01x05 - A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball and a Cheerleader's Bosom

- Geez!

- Damn it!

- Come on!

ADULT SHELDON: In Texas, the Holy Trinity is God, football and barbeque, not necessarily in that order.

I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.

- Mom, are you betting again?

- No.

ANNOUNCER: fans on their feet, trying to urge the defense on.

Fourth down.

Gotta punt.

Gotta.

Statistically, always punting on fourth down makes no sense.

Statistically, you're a dumbass.

Hey.

When the Aggies give up the ball on their own five-yard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring.

When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring.

But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.

Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?

Sheldon, I've been playing and coaching football all my life.

I don't think your math is right.

Really?

Hang on.

No, it's right.

ANNOUNCER: able to hold A&M to a field goal, they'll only be down six points.

Is it your dentist?

The little guy with the glasses?

You can tell me.

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man I am a mighty little man.

I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about my mother.

She keeps betting on these football games, next thing you know, there's an Italian fella driving off with her pickup truck.

You think Sheldon's right?

About what?

The punting and the math.

I should think so.

He's been doing our taxes since he's six years old.

We never been audited.

That's true.

He even got us that nice refund last year.

I got some ocean front property in Arizona How come Mom's not taking me to school?

'Cause once in a while, your dad wants to spend some time with you.

My little Shel-man.

But Mom's car has a backseat.

Statistically, I'm much safer there.

Hey, I'm glad you brought up statistically.

You think those numbers you talked about for Texas A&M would apply to my JV squad?

I don't see why not.

Unlike our former principal, math doesn't discriminate.

You're not thinking about taking his advice, are you?

- Never you mind.

- But he's wrong.

Everybody knows you punt on fourth down.

Why does everybody knowing something make it right?

Because.

That's what makes this country great.

ADULT SHELDON: Many years later, my brother would use this same argument in front of a judge.

He was still convicted for urinating in a phone booth.

(CROWD SHOUTING, CHEERLEADERS CHANTING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Oh, damn it.

I'll send in the punting team.

Hang on.

Hang on.

What?

Let's go for it.

Why?

We got plenty of time.

I know.

Still want to go for it.

We're on the 12-yard line.

Everybody know you punt.

Why does everybody knowing something make it right?

But we're on the 12-yard line, Coach.

Okay, Coach says we're going for it.

Stupid brother.

- What?

- Nothing.

Power left jumbo on two, on two.

Ready, break!

P. A. ANNOUNCER: And your Wolves are going for it on fourth down.

What the hell?

Punt!

Statistically, they're better off going for it.

- Says who?

- My little boy.

(WHISTLES BLOWING)

That's why everybody punts.

That was just plain foolishness.

Your little boy's a real genius.

Well, actually he is.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Too many men on the field, defense.

Replay fourth down.

Ah.

Thank you, Jesus.

Now, can I send in the punt team?

Coach?

ANNOUNCER: And they're going for it again.

What the hell?

Punt!

Remind me to tell you about the tax refund I got from the IRS.

Set.

Hut!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Whoo!

Go, go, go!

Go!

ANNOUNCER: He's at the 30, the 20, the 10.

- Touchdown, Wolves!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I never had any doubt, Coach.

Never had any doubt.

Oh, booyah!

Yes.

Sweet dreams, baby.

Mwah.

Night, Meemaw.

Can I ask you a favor?

- Sure.

What?

- You know those statistics that you were talking about with your dad?

Could could that be applied to, say, who might win the Cowboys-Packers game next week?

And, more specifically, by how much?

I suppose with enough data I could make a reasonable guess.

I don't want a guess, I want to know.

Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.

Sleep, child!

- MARY: Mom?

- In here!

(WHISPERS): I'll get those numbers to you tomorrow.

Just tucking him in.

(CHUCKLES)

I got something for you.

It's dirty.

Well, that's 'cause it's the game ball.

And you earned it, 'cause you helped us win.

Okay, but can you wash it?

Sheldon, your daddy's telling you he's proud of you.

I see.

Thank you, Dad.

You're welcome.

I'm still never touching that.

Let's go wipe it off.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

ADULT SHELDON: For the next five weeks, I continued to help my father apply statistics to coach his team.

Not surprisingly, they continued to win, which changed my status in the school dramatically.

- There he is!

- Yo, Sheldon!

(STUDENTS CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER)

Shel-dog!

Math man!

Hey, cutie.

It was a nightmare.

Shel-dog!

Woo-hoo!

Hugging, hair tousling, high fives.

And as my popularity grew, so did my time aloft.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Everybody wants it.

Hey, I've been looking all over for you.

Do you know how popular we are?

- We?

- Yeah.

I put the word out I was helping you with the football stats.

And since I'm Asian, they bought it.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.

You're not?

I was touched 82 times this afternoon.

What do you mean, "touched"?

Not inappropriately.

Joyfully.

Affectionately.

A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.

That's amazing.

No more high fives.

I can't keep washing my hands.

Hey.

There's my little assistant coach.

Hello, Dad.

You have any more, uh, arithmetic ideas for next week's game?

I do, but I'm trying to finish my homework.

Ah.

Looks complicated.

Advanced chemistry.

It's not.

What are you guys doing?

Your brother and I are gonna knock around a few ideas for the Freeport game.

Can I help?

Actually, yeah.

Run out to my truck.

There's a little, uh, pocket calculator on my front seat.

I got you a present.

Thought it might help with your figuring.

I don't need a calculator, Dad.

I am one.

Sure.

Well Go get it anyway.

It's solar-powered.

(CHUCKLES): Can you imagine that?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY OVER STEREO)

(STEADY THUMPING)

Georgie, turn that down!

What?

(MUSIC STOPS)

And look at this room.

You need to clean this mess up.

I'll get to it later.

No, you'll get to it now.

I don't feel like it.

Well, your feelings have nothing to do with it.

And stop throwing that ball.

My room bothers you so much, you clean it.

MARY: That's it!

You are grounded!

You hear me?!

The hell?

Hey!

There's my little Moonpie.

Did you get a chance to look at this week's games for me?

Not yet You understand there's a little time crunch involved.

Meemaw's got some outstanding loans I need to pay back.

I'm sorry, I have to finish my homework and then I have to help my dad.

Come on.

I'm your meemaw.

I make you cookies.

How 'bout a little quid pro quo?

As much as I enjoy your use of Latin, no.

Shelly, time to get ready for bed.

But I'm not done.

Don't you sass me, too, young man.

Brush your teeth and get to bed.

I think your anger might be a little misdirected.

Don't you start with me either.

Now, see, you're still shootin' wide.

(KNOCKING)

Good evening, Mrs.

Cooper.

Can I speak to Sheldon?

No, you can't speak to Sheldon.

It's late.

He's in bed.

Oh.

I was hoping he might like to go to a party with me.

Has everyone lost their mind?

He's a little boy, Tam!

- Good night!

- But Good Lord, that mouth of yours is a machine gun tonight.

What are you doing?

Trying to calculate the odds of the Dolphins covering the spread next Sunday.

I like dolphins.

They talk out of that hole in their head.

(KNOCKING)

- Hello.

- Tam?

What are you doing here?

Would you like to go to a party with me?

I don't want to go to a party with anyone.

I would!

Please, Sheldon.

It's right across the street.

Just get me in, and you can go back to bed.

I have to ask my mom.

No need.

She knows all about the party.

All right, then.

I need a minute to change.

- Why are you wearing that?

- It makes me look older.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Just so we're clear, once you get in, I'm going home.

Hey!

Sheldon!

What are you doing?

Hey, everybody, check it out!

Sheldon's here!

(CROWD CHEERING)


(CHEERING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

I hope that doesn't wake up the kids.

Should I go over there and say something?

I think you should.

(SIGHS)

I was bluffin'.

Don't make me put my socks back on.

Never mind.

Good night.

Good night.

I feel bad about yelling at Georgie.

He deserved it.

You should do it more.

I think he's feeling left out now that you and Sheldon are spending so much time together.

Are you kiddin' me?

You're always saying to find something in common with Sheldon.

And now that I have, you're telling me I'm ignoring Georgie?

I'm not saying that.

I'm just reminding you that you got two sons.

I know.

I also got a daughter I need to spend more time with.

You do.

But I wouldn't worry about her.

She's an angel.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING, CROWD CHEERING)

ALL (CHANTING): Sheldon!

Sheldon!

Sheldon!

- Put me down!

I said put me down!

- Sheldon!

Sheldon!

SHELDON: Put me down!

I'm not enjoying this!

Missy, what are you doing here?!

Cuttin' loose.

What are you doing here?

SHELDON: Slowly!

Slowly!

Slowly!

You, too?!

Hello, Georgie!

You're not supposed to be here.

Neither are you!

You're grounded!

Come on.

Both of you are going home.

Now.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- Aw.

How's puberty treating you?

Because it is knocking me for a loop.

Right?

ADULT SHELDON: Somehow, my parents didn't find out about me partying heartily.

But I did pay a price for burning the candle at both ends.

I made a mistake on a math test.

In my exhaustion, I did all the calculations in my head, and, like a common zoo animal, forgot to show my work.

I just saw one of those girls from the party, and she acknowledged my existence by doing this.

I've never felt so alive.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Yeah, so?

A B-plus that's the beginning of the end.

The end of what?

My life.

If I don't make some changes, who knows how far I'll fall.

I could wind up a drug addict, or a lawyer.

Is it possible you're overreacting?

No.

Starting today, I'm done helping the football team.

But if you do that, girls will no longer greet me like this.

I'll greet you like that.

It's not the same.

ADULT SHELDON: Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy.

My father was counting on me, Meemaw was counting on me, the school was counting on me.

After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on.

I tattled.

Mom?

("I FOUGHT THE LAW" BY THE CLASH PLAYING)

Robbin' people with a six-gun I fought the law and the law won Sheldon got a B-plus!

That's terrible for him!

I'm very disappointed in all three of you.

That is right.

Missy, this is for your ballet class.

We do not go to parties.

I am very disappointed.

Hey.

Got to go pick up some equipment for the team; you want to join me?

Can't.

I'm grounded.

(SIGHS): Yeah, well I won't tell if you won't.

Sheldon going?

That little snitch?

Absolutely not.

Sheldon still gonna help you with the math?

I don't think so.

But I did hear his little Asian friend can do it.

Hey.

Hello.

So Oilers are a four-point favorite for this Sunday's game, but it's a home game, so I'm thinking I give the points.

What do you think?

I think I have to tell on you again.

Go ahead.

What's your mama gonna do, ground me?

Take the Oilers, give the points.

I love you, Moonpie.

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT SHELDON: For the record, the Oilers lost that game by four touchdowns.

Meemaw never asked for my advice again.

Come on, come on, come on.

Damn it!

Okay.

One more time.

Mama needs a new Jet Ski!

And rat b*st*rd!

How you doin' there, Connie?

Hey, Vincent.

(CHUCKLES)

What brings you to Louisiana?

Wait, don't tell me.

You're here to see Tony Orlando.

'Fraid not.

Oh, well, you ought to check him out.

He'll, uh, knock your socks off.

I like my socks on.

Connie, you're putting me in a very awkward position.

I won a toaster oven playing keno.

You want it?

I got one.

I want my money.

(CHUCKLES): All right.

Hang on.

That's a very nice jacket.

You're looking dapper.

Ah.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, they comp my room here.

They do that for you?

Actually, they frown upon my presence here.

Oh.

I also get a coupon for the breakfast buffet.

You should look into that.

(SIGHS, MUTTERS)

Constance!

Patience, Vincenzo.

(CHUCKLES)

- (BELL RINGING)

- Yes!

(LAUGHING)

- (COINS CLACKING)

- Oh!

All right, now we're talking.

Will you take a down payment in quarters?

Do I have a choice?

(LAUGHS)

Start scoopin'.

I got to go see Tony Orlando.

(COINS CONTINUE CLACKING)

Oof.

(SHUDDERS)

(EXASPERATED GRUNT)

(YELLS)

(COINS CONTINUE CLACKING)

Hey!

Hey, I need another cup!