03x11 - A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony

JEFF: The Bible says a lot about love.

"Love thy neighbor.

" "For God so loved the world.

" In First Corinthians, it says, "Love is patient, love is kind.

" But what does it mean to truly love someone?

You see, Jesus showed us (QUIETLY): You see that?

(QUIETLY): No.

But keep talking.

Why?

'Cause I'm trying to unwrap a candy, and I don't want anybody to hear.

How come she gets candy?

I want candy.

How come you're not shushing them?

Shh!

Shh.

JEFF: Sometimes love is about the little things.

A smile.

Asking about their day.

Writing an encouraging note.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

See?

He's talking about Robin.

Who is Robin?

Pastor Jeff's girlfriend.

Mom set them up, and now she thinks she's cool.

Shh.

But I did set them up.

- Cool.

- JEFF: So, let's see what Jesus has to say about that.

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man - Thanks for coming.

- Pastor Jeff, do chickens go to heaven?

Well, the Bible doesn't say much about the souls of animals, but I like to believe that God loves all his creatures.

Why?

My dad wants to eat Matilda.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

She stopped laying eggs, so it's off with her head and into the fryer.

Well, I will pray for her little chicken soul.

(CHUCKLES)

Just pray she's juicy.

Hello, Coopers.

Nice to see you, - as always.

- Lovely sermon today.

I wouldn't know.

I couldn't hear over all the candy wrappers and gossip.

- That's enough.

Move along.

- Actually, Mary, can I speak to you for a sec?

Sure.

Um, I'll be right there.

Yeah, make it quick.

I don't want to miss kickoff.

(GROANS)

Church and football?

At least 60 Minutes is on tonight.

Everything okay?

Everything's wonderful.

We're trying to keep this quiet, but We have decided to get married.

- Oh, my gosh!

- (LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS): Oh, my gosh.

And we were hoping that you could help us plan the wedding.

- Oh, my gosh!

- (LAUGHS)

I did it again.

I'm sorry.

Um, I would be honored.

Oh.

Just something small and simple.

So, when were you thinking?

Uh, spring, summer?

- Next Sunday.

- Uh, oh.

That is soon.

Uh, you're not?

No.

Because we haven't, you know But we would like to.

But we can't 'cause I'm a pastor.

But we can once we're married.

So Sunday it is.

- Okay.

- Or maybe Saturday.

Ooh, Saturday.

Even better.

I cannot wait.

Me, either.

Still here.

Hmm.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(FOOTBALL PLAYING ON TV, DOOR CLOSES)

George, you will not believe what I get to do.

What's that?

Plan Pastor Jeff's wedding.

Oh, isn't that nice.

Oh, it's gonna be a lot of work.

They want this done by next weekend.

What, he knock her up?

(CHUCKLES)

Been there.

No.

He is a man of God.

He cannot have a physical relationship outside holy matrimony.

Oh, so that's the rush.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, yes, but they also seem very much in love.

Love is great.

(SIGHS)

Anyway, I am gonna be extra busy, so I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack around here.

You know?

The kids.

Making meals.

Sounds good.

Wait, what?

I need you to help out.

(MUTES TV)

So, Pastor Jeff wants to get lucky, and I pay the price?

I am asking you to take care of your children.

And I'm asking you, why can't your mother do it?

George.

Fine.

ANNOUNCER: That has to be the play of the game, maybe even the season!

(GROANS)

And I can't believe what I just saw.

(CLUCKING)

Your dad can't eat Matilda.

Sure, he can.

He eats everything.

Billy, you've raised her from a chick.

She's like your child.

You wouldn't let somebody eat your child.

Does my child taste like chicken?

Billy!

Missy!

(SIGHS)

ADULT SHELDON: Many inventions changed people's lives for the better: the light bulb, the polio vaccine, and one that doesn't get enough credit, the home video cassette recorder.

It didn't help keep people out of wheelchairs, but it did keep me from missing Star Trek.

PICARD: Captain's log, stardate 44307.

3.

I am preparing to leave by shuttlecraft ("I'M ALWAYS HERE" BY JIMI JAMISON PLAYING)

Some people stand In the darkness, afraid to step Don't you worry No.

No.

I'll be ready.

Georgie!

Georgie, why are there bathing suit ladies where Captain Picard should be?

Georgie!

He's not home.

What's going on?

Georgie taped over Star Trek: The Next Generation.

So?

Watch something else.

I don't want to watch something else.

I want to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation.

And I want to feel bad for you, but I don't.

The television station's in Houston.

Drive me there.

I'm sure they have a copy of it.

(CHUCKLES): I'm not driving to Houston.

Well, then, I should warn you, I am very unhappy.

Okay.

In fact, I am peeved.

Okay.

I would slam this door right now, but it would startle me, so just imagine I did.

Okay.

I'm sorry Robin couldn't be here.

She's working extra shifts so she can take some time off after the wedding.

For a honeymoon?

How nice.

Where y'all going?

Oh, we don't really plan on leaving the bedroom.

Well, um, we have a lot to discuss.

Reception, flowers, cake Like I said, we're just looking for something simple.

Got it.

Nothing fancy.

Just elegant.

Right, but a plain, bare-bones elegance.

How many guests were you thinking?

It doesn't have to be big.

I've been married before.

But Robin hasn't.

And you're our pastor.

Your congregation is gonna want to share in your special day.

Those bones are sounding less bare.

Sorry.

Your small, elegant, bare-bones, unforgettable, simple, special day.

Now, let's talk centerpieces.

ADULT SHELDON: None of my friends had recorded the episode.

I called Tam.

I called Dr.

Sturgis.

Those were all my friends.

- PICARD: Engage.

- (STAR TREK THEME PLAYING)

Fortunately, having a modem granted me access to an even better kind of friend: the kind you don't have to see or talk to.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

(CLUCKING)

(SCREAMS)

(YELPS)

(CLUCKING)

Why would you bring that pecking poop machine into our home?

To save her life.

What about my life?

She's not trying to kill you.

Oh, yeah?

Then why was there hate in her eyes?

That's how everybody looks at you.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

- GEORGE SR. : I got lunch!

Dad, Missy put a chicken in my room!

The Sparks were gonna kill her and eat her!

The hell's going on?

How could you?

What?

(SIGHS)

I miss your mother.

Would you look at these sugar flowers?

I'm too busy looking at the price tag.

Judas Priest.

Oh, you can't skimp on the cake.

It's the focal point of the entire wedding.

How about this?

We get a bunch of Ding Dongs, stack them in the shape of a heart.

Everybody's happy.

You do not want your wife to look back at her wedding pictures and see a pile of Ding Dongs.

I'm not sure she's gonna care.

She gonna care!

(EXHALES)

But there are more affordable cakes here that we can look at.

Thank you.

Maybe they have some stale ones in the back that you can disappoint your bride with.

(WHIMPERS)

(EXHALES)

All right, here I am.

What's the emergency?

Sheldon's mad at Georgie 'cause he taped over his space show, but now he's hiding in the garage 'cause Missy brought home Billy's chicken.

And Missy's hiding in the bathroom 'cause I brought home fried chicken.

Good luck.

Oh, come on, help me out!

What are you doing to help?

I called your ass over here.

Where's Mary?

At church planning Pastor Jeff's wedding.

And she left you in charge?

- Yeah.

- Well, that was dumb.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Let's split up.

You want live chicken or dead chicken?

Hey.

- Right in there.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Hi.

See ya.

I'll take the chicken problems.

Girl in bedroom?

(SINGSONGY): All yours.

(MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY OVER SPEAKERS)

Oh.

(SMACKS LIPS)

- Would you like to try it on?

- Oh, no.

I'm not here for me.

Just helping a friend.

Oh, too bad.

That dress would be stunning on you.

Oh, I would look like a princess.

What do you think?

How handsome!

I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.

Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Should we pull some dresses for Robin?

I suppose.

How about that?

Oh, she'd hate that.

Keep looking.

Oh.

Come on, and bring that bucket of chicken out of there.

MISSY: No, we're not eating it.

What if it was Matilda's friend?

Honey, that one's from Kentucky.

They didn't know each other.

MEEMAW: George.

Why are you not in that bedroom?

Well, I'm just thinking of what to say.

They're teenagers.

If you wait any longer, they'll be done.

I'm just gonna grab a beer.

George!

Georgie?

Out on the streets, that's where we'll meet What?

Door stays open.

Why?

We're just listening to music.

My house, my rules.

And don't sit on the bed.

Where are we supposed to sit?

Just not on the bed.

Whatever.

That you would end up winning He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

Done.

I made 'em sit on the floor.

Smart.

Nobody ever got pregnant on the floor.

- Have you had the talk with that boy?

- Of course.

Really?

What'd you say?

You know, the stuff you know, a father says when he has a talk with his son.

Good Lord.

Did you tell him about protection?

- Oh, come on, Connie.

- Well, it's important.

What if he knocks that poor girl up and ruins her life?

- Is that a swipe at me?

- Well, it depends.

Did you knock up my daughter and ruin her life?

Wait.

I know the answer.

Hey, for your information, Mary is very happy.

(CRYING)


Robin's gonna look so beautiful in this.

Your wedding's gonna be perfect.

- (CRYING)

- Great.

Thank you.

She won't have to go down to city hall wearing the only thing that still fits 'cause she's trying to hide the fact that she's pregnant.

- Uh-huh.

- (MARY INHALES LOUDLY)

She's gonna get the wedding of her dreams.

(SOBBING)

If she cries on the dress, do I have to buy it?

(SOBBING LOUDLY)

You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?

I know that.

Does Georgie?

Probably.

We got cable now.

Dad?

What?

Is Matilda still in my closet?

What?

- That's a "yes.

" - (TOILET FLUSHES)

MISSY: Aah!

The bathroom's flooding!

- What happened?

- I flushed a chicken leg, and water started going everywhere.

Chickens were your job!

Maybe I'm being punished.

Maybe I'm a bad person.

That went in my mouth.

Stay back!

Calm down.

We're taking her home.

To be murdered.

Okay, have fun.

Can y'all keep it down?

I have a bone to pick with you, sir.

What'd I do?

You taped over my Star Trek episode.

So?

So, now I may never get to see it.

What if it was a two-parter?

I can't start a two-parter on part two.

That's madness.

I think I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Hola, señorita.

She's in my Spanish class.

I'll call you later.

Te veo mañana en la clase de español.

What?

That means, "See you tomorrow in Spanish class.

" I was going to ask how you thought you did on Friday's quiz, but I'm guessing the answer is no bueno.

Adiós.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- What?

(NOSE BLOWING)

I'm sorry.

This is your wedding, and I'm making it all about me.

No.

I mean, you are, but it's fine.

It's just, every bride dreams of walking down the aisle, and I never got to have that.

Still on you.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'll stop.

Hey, even though I'm looking fly, I'm still your pastor.

Well it's more than the wedding.

Overnight, I became a wife and a mother.

I feel like I missed out on a lot.

Well, sometimes the Lord has his own plans for us.

And if it helps, Robin and I always talk about how much we admire you and your family.

Really?

Your marriage may have gotten off to a rough start, but if that's what it took to get where you are, maybe God knew what he was doing.

(SIGHS)

You know what?

Let's get back to planning your wedding.

Oh, no.

You're done.

You may be a great wife and mother, but you stink at this.

That's fair.

Do I have to?

You want to add grandkids to this mess?

God, no.

Georgie, we need to talk.

What now?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

You're of an age where your body has urges.

Oh, my God!

Georgie, you need to hear this.

From both of you?

W-Well, who do you want to hear it from?

No one.

But if I got to pick, I guess you.

Good choice.

Don't forget to tell him about venereal disease.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

MAN: This next part's so great.

WESLEY CRUSHER (OVER TV): Yes, sir.

I'm aware of that.

(GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV)

The Academy?

PICARD: I just received a message from Admiral Nsomeka.

She expects you What's going on here?

Wesley Crusher was just accepted into Starfleet Academy, and for his final mission, he's accompanying Picard on a shuttle mission to Pentarus Five.

No.

I mean who's your friend?

Oh, he's not a friend.

He's a stranger.

I met him on a Star Trek bulletin board.

He had a copy of the episode Georgie taped over and brought it here.

Hello.

I'm Nathan.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave Nathan.

Okay.

- But I'm taking my tape with me.

- That's fine.

- No.

I need to see the end.

- No, you don't!

Does anyone read us?

(CLEARS THROAT)

And I know your mom would want me to tell you to wait till marriage, but I also know you're probably not going to.

Did you?

The important thing is that when you're with a girl (SCOFFS)

You know how when we're running practice drills and we wear protection so both people are safe?

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

What?

Same thing, but with your privates.

- Please leave.

- Thank you.

PICARD: Wesley, you will be missed.

That was excellent.

Yeah, top notch.

Get out!

Yeah, I think that turned out pretty Who the hell is this?

This is Nathan.

He's been to four Comic-Cons.

And he's leaving.

Are you sure?

Beam your ass out of here.

Yes, ma'am.

One to beam up.

Energize.

(STAR TREK: THE NEX GENERATION THEME PLAYING)

ADULT SHELDON: Okay, that last part didn't happen, but, boy, would that have been neat.

That was so neat.

Forgot my tape.

(MUSIC STOPS, TAPE EJECTS)

Energize.

I miss him already.

Robin and Jeffrey, by their solemn vows freely made before God ADULT SHELDON: Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin finally had their ceremony, which was nice for them, but meant I had to go to church on a Saturday and watch old people kiss.

You may kiss the bride.

(APPLAUSE FADES, PEOPLE MURMURING)

("A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION" BY ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYING)

A little less conversation, a little more action All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me No tongue.

No tongue.

Oh, there it is.

And open up your heart and, baby, satisfy me - Satisfy me - Come on, come on Where are they going in such a hurry?

Probably to unwrap their presents.

Satisfy me, baby Something's getting unwrapped.

- Told you.

- Satisfy me, baby - Satisfy me - Satisfy me, girl Come on, come on, come on, come on